Afraid and ashamed

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

My fiance and I were having issues around the time I may have conceived. When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't sure how far along I was because my cycles are irregular. So I had to rely on an ultrasound to estimate my due date. The u/s estimated a due date of December 20th. I cheated on my fiancé and had a one night fling on March 29th. We used a condom and stopped him a minute later because I felt guilty so he did not ejaculate. I then had sex with my fiancé on April 1st unprotected and he did ejaculate inside me. With EDD of December 20th, I would have conceived around March 30th, which is the day after my affair, two days before having sex with my fiancé. Please save the your a horrible person judgement,
You cannot be harder on me than I am myself right now. I am so ashamed and afraid of what to do. Odds are it's not the one night stands child but I can't shake the guilt. I want to come clean to my fiancé but I am going to lose him if i do. Non invasive paternity testing is available but it's expensive and not accurate. I know ultrasounds are not completely accurate and I am praying in my case I am measuring a few days ahead. I have anxiety and came off my medication when I found out in was pregnant so my anxiety is through the roof. Please give me some kind of reassurance or advice.

hollycn · August 2014

IMO if he used a condom and did not ejaculate I would say the chances that the baby is his are slim to none.

JRod13 · August 2014

Wow- I don't even know what to say on this one. Honestly- it could be either of them.

BayCamp · August 2014

I knew my date of conception but the ultrasound moved my due date 3 days. If you don't know when exactly you ovulated then the ultrasound is an estimate. Just take a deep breath. I'd put money on it being the unprotected sex but you can always get the baby tested after it is born.

CandEChicago · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:
My fiance and I were having issues around the time I may have conceived. When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't sure how far along I was because my cycles are irregular. So I had to rely on an ultrasound to estimate my due date. The u/s estimated a due date of December 20th. I cheated on my fiancé and had a one night fling on March 29th. We used a condom and stopped him a minute later because I felt guilty so he did not ejaculate. I then had sex with my fiancé on April 1st unprotected and he did ejaculate inside me. With EDD of December 20th, I would have conceived around March 30th, which is the day after my affair, two days before having sex with my fiancé. Please save the your a horrible person judgement,
You cannot be harder on me than I am myself right now. I am so ashamed and afraid of what to do. Odds are it's not the one night stands child but I can't shake the guilt. I want to come clean to my fiancé but I am going to lose him if i do. Non invasive paternity testing is available but it's expensive and not accurate. I know ultrasounds are not completely accurate and I am praying in my case I am measuring a few days ahead. I have anxiety and came off my medication when I found out in was pregnant so my anxiety is through the roof. Please give me some kind of reassurance or advice.

Welcome & congrats. Tell your FI otherwise it is going to continue to nag at you and make you wonder "what if".

weezy29 · August 2014

Most likely the baby belongs to your fiancé but you can't be 100% sure without testing. But more than that, as much as you don't want to tell your fiancé, it sounds like what you did is eating you up inside. I'm totally not judging your actions(we all make mistakes) but I worry that your relationship will never be built on solid ground with this lingering over you. I can't imagine going into a marriage with secrets of this caliber only because it won't be built on trust. I don't know the answer but I sure do wish you luck in figuring it all out.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

I hope I can last until then! I worry every day and I know the stress cannot be good on the baby. I just want to come clean but know that going to add even more stress and a big chance the baby is his anyway.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

I just don't want to hurt him

LinziLoo09 · August 2014

If I was in your shoes, I'd be honest with my fiance --- pull the bandaid off earlier so the healing can go ahead and begin. Hopefully there will be an opportunity to address your issues together and in counseling before the baby is born, and if he chooses to end the relationship, then you have time to work on a healthy co-parenting situation. I guess I would opt over discussing the matter directly rather than having the baby and always wondering. I have anxiety issues too, and I can't imagine dealing with that internally and permanently. Good luck!

Eora3 · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:
I just don't want to hurt him

That ship has sailed. You have already done the hurtful thing. Continuing to lie by omission is only delaying him knowing about it. If you want any chance of your relationship working out, you need to tell him now and work through his initial anger and sadness before the baby comes. Get help from a therapist and see if he can work through it.

ballpal · August 2014

I'm so sorry about your situation. If it makes you feel any better my December baby is supposed to be 21 weeks but my ultrasound says he is 23 weeks.Weird because I had a heavy period in March and got a negative pregancy test the day I was supposed to be having my period again (April, and found out a couple of days later...). Also, my husband was out of town the week of "the conception", so ultrasounds aren't very accurate, I just suppose my baby is bigger than it is supposed to.
The most probably is that the baby belongs to your fiancé, if were you I will let him know about the "affair" (you aren't married yet). Explain to him the facts and how you are willing to have a paternity test if that makes him feel more confident. Be prepared for his reaction honey. Good luck

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

Okay, I'm gonna start with the likelihood of the other man being the father is incredibly slim if he wore a condom let alone if he didn't finish (but sadly not zero % chance). An u/s can be off by about a week and you don't know when you ovulated. But I understand your fear there and your fear of losing your fiance.

I would come clean about the affair before it eats you up. It'll come out eventually and it's better if it was on your own terms. Building up trust again will be very hard but way harder if you aren't the one to start it. If he truly loves you, he'll be willing to work it out... eventually... it will take time. I'm sorry you are so stressed but what's done is done, so try to stop beating yourself up. All you can do is face the music now. If you can, could you look at couple's counseling? A safe third party might make this easier. Good luck!

QueenOfSpades622 · August 2014

I can understand that you don't want to hurt him but, as PP said that ship has sailed. You are going to hurt him eithier way and the longer you keep this from him the worse it is going to be and the worse this is for your child. Any relationship built on lies will crumble. So be honest with him and you may be able to work things out but continuing to lie to him by omision is just making things worse. That said as PP have said it is most likely your future husbands but there is the slim chance it is the other mans. Edit:typo

MaineMama · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:

Non invasive paternity testing is available but it's expensive and not accurate.

Not touching the rest of this (PPs have all my thoughts covered.) Non invasive paternity testing, when done properly is 99.99% accurate. It is done after the baby is born, with all parties (mother, child, potential fathers) getting mouth swabs. If your child will be getting state aid, such as TANF, medicare/Medicaid, or state mandated child support then your state will pay for the testing. Otherwise the cost is $97 through LabCorp (all state DHHS's are contracted through them).

This is what I do for a job, and if you are worried about the tester judging you, don't. We see enough people that we wont remember your name or face.

SeeRealSky · August 2014

I agree with previous posts. You really do need to tell your fiancé. It is something that will nag at you endlessly, and that is not a kind of guilt that you can carry on into a marriage. You owe him that much. You've already betrayed a promise of fidelity that comes with engagement. You should go ahead and follow through with the harder part, of honesty, of the promise to be truthful even when it hurts. This is something you two need to work out early on, to decide if this will be the end of your relationship or if this is something that you can work through, together.

Also, I know I got pregnant March 30th or April 1st. My due date is December 31st/January 1st. My doctor guessed that I conceived a week or so later, but my husband was gone on a work trip. Your ultrasound measurements are just another educated guess, and isn't always a concrete measurement of when exactly you conceived. If it would help rest your conscience, I would suggest testing after the baby is born.

Keep your chin up, and find your strength. It takes guts to own up to a mistake like this, but it's something that you need to do--not only for yourself, but for your fiancé. Trust me. I have not been in your exact position, but I know what it feels like to betray someone you love and care for. It's going to hurt, but now is the best time to do it.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

I agree with everyone above but I do have something else to offer you. I was in your fiance's shoes when pregnant with DS. We went through a very rough patch when I was about 4 months pregnant and he cheated. He did not come clean to me and I had to find out when he asked me to install itunes on his computer and when the files were transferring there was a picture of another girl (naked) dated during the time we were fighting. I was devastated and even put myself into preterm labor because of it. We ended up making it through but honestly, I wish he would have told me instead of me finding out the way I did. As pp's have said, these things have a way of coming out and I would have preferred the honesty. Either way it's going to hurt but I promise you if he finds out another way it's going to be worse on you in the long run.

nolanova85 · August 2014

I have what will undoubtedly be an unpopular opinion, and knowing that I may get flamed, here goes...

First, I 100% agree with PPs that the stress you're experiencing is likely not good for your pregnancy. If you are making the decision on that alone, then I suggest you tell your fiance.

That said, if it were me, I would wait till the birth and do a DNA test and get the results before telling my fiance. My only reasoning is this: if the roles were reversed, and my DH had cheated on me - a one time thing he felt awful about, as you do - before we were married and was debating telling me, I hope that he wouldn't. I would undoubtedly be hurt and devastated and would struggle to rebuild trust. Would I really choose that life over the possibility of living a happy life together? Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss, and in my humble opinion - that's not always a bad thing.

I certainly appreciate other posters saying a marriage should not be built on lies and secrets, and on paper, I can't disagree with them. But you are already in emotional hell working through your mistake. Is it really worth putting your fiance through that same hell?

Other posters have recommended counseling after you tell your fiance. My only additional recommendation is that perhaps you should see a counselor or therapist on your own now, before you make the final decision to say anything. A therapist may be able to help you see all angles better than internet strangers can. And if you decide to come clean, a therapist may be able to give you the communication toolkit you'll need for that conversation.

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

I can definitely second nolanova85's advice to get counseling before hand as well. This is a very sensitive time so you need to get some outside help if possible. If you do choose to tell him (which I still highly encourage if only for your own sanity), it could also be better with a counselor there to mediate the situation.

CandEChicago · August 2014

nolanova85 said:
I have what will undoubtedly be an unpopular opinion, and knowing that I may get flamed, here goes...

First, I 100% agree with PPs that the stress you're experiencing is likely not good for your pregnancy. If you are making the decision on that alone, then I suggest you tell your fiance.

That said, if it were me, I would wait till the birth and do a DNA test and get the results before telling my fiance. My only reasoning is this: if the roles were reversed, and my DH had cheated on me - a one time thing he felt awful about, as you do - before we were married and was debating telling me, I hope that he wouldn't. I would undoubtedly be hurt and devastated and would struggle to rebuild trust. Would I really choose that life over the possibility of living a happy life together? Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss, and in my humble opinion - that's not always a bad thing.

I certainly appreciate other posters saying a marriage should not be built on lies and secrets, and on paper, I can't disagree with them. But you are already in emotional hell working through your mistake. Is it really worth putting your fiance through that same hell?

Other posters have recommended counseling after you tell your fiance. My only additional recommendation is that perhaps you should see a counselor or therapist on your own now, before you make the final decision to say anything. A therapist may be able to help you see all angles better than internet strangers can. And if you decide to come clean, a therapist may be able to give you the communication toolkit you'll need for that conversation.

I am going to respectfully disagree. Tell him sooner than later. I had a friend where his wife did cheat on him when they were TTC. It came out afterwards that the baby was not his after he did all the planning, attended the birth, provided for the baby (finsncial, medical, and emotional)and he was devastated to loose his son (the wife also left him and he had to find out during a paternity test during divorce proceedings when they were arranging custody).

I also had this happen to an uncle where he was there for the pregnancy for his girlfriend and then found out after the birth about it not being his. This is something that I don't think anyone should go through and in both cases the guys wished they knew about the possibility before hand.

RayRay007 · August 2014

I have an UO too. What purpose does telling him serve? Only to relieve OP's guilt. So she's going to put him through hell to make herself feel better? After baby is born, reassess the likelihood of baby being fiancee's (blood type, looks, secret DNA tests, whatever) and if you still think there's a chance it's not his then you need to talk about it because you'll need to know baby's family health history etc. but at this point it is only self-serving to tell him.

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

I'm sorry but I have to agree with @alissendis, it's not just about honesty but also respect. You have no right to make this decision for him. He might leave, he might not, but he will be making the decision on his own with his eyes wide open. OP, you owe him that at the very least. Respect him enough to let him make this decision on his own.

Besides, can you imagine the ****storm if the other guy comes back into the picture ? What if his friends or family find out that the girl he slept with 9 months ago just had a baby ? Can you imagine your poor fiance's reaction to find out not from you but from the other guy ?

megbmeg · August 2014

I think one more thing to consider is that you mentioned that you and your fiancé were having difficulties before you cheated. Whatever those difficulties are, they still need to be addressed, along with the infidelity and the baby. I think it is definitely time to get some help from experts that can help you and your relationship.

Eta: it sounds incredibly hard to be dealing with all of this at once. Good luck!!

gimmeyronionrings · August 2014

OP, I agree wholeheartedly with all of the PPs who have stated that it's best to come clean as soon as possible and that therapy/counseling may help.

As for other posters urging you to keep it secret, I'll give you an example of how that mentality has hurt my very own family. My father cheated on my mother about ten years into their marriage. He didn't come clean for 20 long years (despite couple's counseling and my mom flat out asking him if he cheated). It has completely rocked our family and made my mom feel as though her marriage is a sham. They are trying to work it all out, but I don't know if they will ever get back to the level of trust they had before. Lying to someone for any length of time, let alone 20 years, is very damaging. When you aren't upfront and honest with someone about infidelity, you take away their right to choose whether they want to stay or go. Which, in my opinion, isn't a very loving thing to do.

Good luck to you and your family!

nashamber · August 2014

Wow - you are certainly in a hard place right now. I won't touch on whether you should tell your fiancé or not as I believe you received great advice from the PPs. I highly recommend that you see a counselor/therapist to figure out what led you to cheat on someone you intend on marrying. Hopefully you will be able to understand what triggered the "cheating fantasy" and how to deal with it should this happen in a future relationship.

nopegoat · August 2014

If the other guy wore a condom there is a very small chance that he is the dad. Though it's not impossible ::looks at my first:: ... Also you could have ovulated a little bit later.

As far as telling your fiance, I would, even if it was for sure your F's kid. More than likely this will come out one way or another and if I found out that my H cheated on me way way back, honestly it would be hard not to go back and question our whole relationship. Yes he is going to be hurt and be mad, but you need to own your mistake, lay it all out for him, and let him decide the next step. You are going to be a parent soon, time to do the responsible thing.

Good luck.

JRod13 · August 2014

Yea you definitely have to tell him. And then face the music and see where it goes. For one, if you're going to marry the guy, the last thing you want is this huge secret looming over your head- it will tarnish your whole relationship, regardless if the baby is his or not. Secondly, it's a respect thing- you respect him enough to marry him, then he deserves to know the truth and not be played the fool. Thirdly (and this isn't to beat you up, it's just the truth), can you imagine being him and going through a whole pregnancy with someone, sharing those first sweet newborn moments with your precious baby and only afterwards being told you need a DNA test and it might not be your's? I don't see how you recover from that kind of betrayal, even if it does turn out to be your child. Your best bet is to come clean, say you're deeply sorry and it was the biggest mistake of your life and see if he's willing to work on things with you and go to counseling.

amedbery · August 2014

Cheating may be forgiveable, but allowing someone to spend months or years bonding with a baby that may be someone else's and the result of your infidelity to him is not. It sucks, but if you made the decision to step outside of the relationship, you kinda sentenced yourself to a shitty situation. The only way out is to come clean and deal with the circumstances. I'm not trying to be judgmental but cheating is selfish and you dragged your baby into this. Worst case scenario is if you keep it quiet and it all somehow blows up later in the kid's life, shattering his world and your marriage. It is time for you to quit being selfish and do what you have to to prevent that scenario.

ETA: Grammar be hard, yo

feeshah · August 2014

The truth will come out eventually. Better he hears it from you then someone else.

mrsrroberson · August 2014

Whew! Ok, I have first hand experienced both what Most PP's are advising and what a few UO's have stated. My ex husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with my first and came clean about 9 months after baby was born. All hell broke loose. At first and kinda still say: what an idiot! He should've never confessed.

I personally was never able to see him or feel for him the same ever. No admiration what so ever returned, despite years of "working it out" and counseling. So at that time I thought he had ruined what could have been a good thing if he would've kept his mouth shut.

Now, that being said, I now a 33 year old woman who's über happily re-married and have never felt more confident in who I have become, have to thank him for confessing. I would've lived a big ole lie. His cheating was just the tip of an iceberg of underlying issues as to why our marriage was a joke from the beginning. He is now a different man and an excellent father to our 2 kids together. We're on of those anomalies, you ex's that are good friends an can respectfully interact with each others SO's.

Geez, I could really go on & on about this. Ultimately the moral of my story was this:

You must forgive yourself. Come clean and see what happens. Throw the chips in the air and see where they fall. It might surprise you. Coming clean will be to your benefit, allowing you to not live a lie with yourself. The most important relationship you'll ever have us with yourself. Keeping secrets is self- destructive.

You owe it to you and YOUR baby to be the best you can be!

Truly wish you not only luck but strength to handle what to come.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

@mrsroberson I can sort of relate to that. As I posted earlier in this thread, DH cheated on me while I was pregnant with DS and never came clean, I had to find out the hard way and I wasn't even looking. Parts of me wish I had never known and I'll still always wonder how things would be had I never found out. I have agreed for the sake of our relationship and our family to leave it in the past, but, it's never going to be out of my head. I wish he had come clean with me because there's also the part of me that wonders if he would have ever even told me had I not found out. I could also probably go on and on, it's such a sensitive subject and a HUGE weight on anyone. Definitely glad this pregnancy has been turning out much better than the last in the emotions department!

LaxMOM44 · August 2014

A little tough love, you have to tell him regardless of who is the father for two reasons:

1) you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person and he is going to spend the rest of his life believing the child is his. Those are some big lies. So for everyone's sake suck it up and deal with the situation you created.

2) this other man has rights and responsibilities if he is indeed the father.

Ok that being said I highly doubt he is the father but I don't think if matters. I am a firm believer that a father is made not in who gives the speem but in who gives their love and attention. This will be a shitty situation and is one of the many reasons why infidelity can ruin lives, but this is the situation you are in and you need to fix it by being honest and doing whatever you can to repair the damage.

LaxMOM44 · August 2014

amedbery said:
Cheating may be forgiveable, but allowing someone to spend months or years bonding with a baby that may be someone else's and the result of your infidelity to him is not. It sucks, but if you made the decision to step outside of the relationship, you kinda sentenced yourself to a shitty situation. The only way out is to come clean and deal with the circumstances. I'm not trying to be judgmental but cheating is selfish and you dragged your baby into this. Worst case scenario is if you keep it quiet and it all somehow blows up later in the kid's life, shattering his world and your marriage. It is time for you to quit being selfish and do what you have to to prevent that scenario.

ETA: Grammar be hard, yo

Well said and I love your boxer pic!

beachy6 · August 2014

Let me use an analogy.

If you drop an egg on the floor and make a mess, do you just leave it there and ignore it? Let people walk through it for a few hours, mashing the smuck into the floor? Probably not. Because as an adult, you clean up the messes you make.

You are getting ready to marry someone that you can't be honest with. That's a problem. If I entered into a marriage on false pretenses, I'd be pissed. Come clean and let him decide what he wants to do. It's not just your life that you messed up, but his and he doesn't even know it. He'll find out eventually anyway because these things always come out. How do you explain that away after years of keeping it a secret? Be an adult and do the right thing. He deserves the chance to decide the fate in his life, just as you were able to. You made a mess. Clean it up.

Sorry if this came across as harsh, but I really don't have a soft spot for cheating on SOs.

ebilbao · August 2014

If the fling didn't ejaculate and used a condom, it's not his. Also, I know for sure I conceived March 28th and my EDD is Dec 14th. The baby has to be your boyfriend's.

ebilbao · August 2014

As for telling your fiancé, he deserves to know all the info before marrying you. However, what will it accomplish? Is everything totally fine and on track now? Will telling him only serve to alleviate your guilt? If so, maybe you should chalk up your transgression to a moment of weakness and KNOW you will NEVER do that again.

kcw1cap · August 2014

My due date is dec 20th too. I conceived around march 23... I doubt the other guy is the father since you used a condom.

OhioDad · August 2014

I'm a big advocate of honesty - the sooner the better (for all the reasons mentioned earlier).

It is clearly a difficult decision all the way around, so T&P to you and everyone involved.

To add something else I don't think I saw mentioned yet - what if this person you had the affair with is the father? If he is, then you delaying is only adding to your anxiety, delaying your future husband's pain, and taking away the person from the affair's ability to step up and be a father (and I know that might be optimistic thinking from a one night stand).

I come from a family where someone delayed investigating paternity - in the end, it cost the whole family the entire pregnancy experience, the joy of the birth, and the first couple months of the baby's life. That kid will never have pictures or stories from their birth that include their dad, their grandparents, or their aunts and uncles who would have wanted to celebrate their birth.

In the end, you should do what's best for your LO - just make sure you are aware of how much everyone could be giving up if you delay.

Again - T&P to you and everyone involved that you can all find a way to make this a good situation.

JulieSC81 · August 2014

OP, my son's father has kept secrets from me and lied to me. I swear the lies and secrets are more hurtful that the actual behavior. I have every right to know the truth and decide for myself whether or not I want to be with someone...and so does your fiancé. If you have wronged him and then lied/kept secrets then it is a double sting. You need to be honest. He deserves at least that. If you don't tell him, your relationship will be a lie. You are not protecting him by lying to him...you are hurting him more. Keeping the secret only benefits you and you don't seem to be benefitting much either. Honesty is the best policy. Respect him enough to give him at least that. You need to tell him. Now. Sincerely, someone who has been lied to and wishes for nothing but the truth.

JulieSC81 · August 2014

Thank you @bvsbabymomma‌

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

Some additional information that I did not add to my first post. The man I had a one night stand with is married with a child. I also contacted him when the dates were too close for comfort. My fiancé and I also own a house and have an older child together. Believe me I know coming clean is the best thing to do but I will be effecting so many people when I come clean. I don't want to break up my family and my one night stands family if this baby is my fiancé's. I seriously got my big wake up and smell the roses when the thought of my world could come crumbling down before me and would never do this EVER again. For those who commented about keeping paternity a secret, I am definitely getting a test done as soon as LO is born and would never keep that from my fiancé and trick him into raising a child that is not his. My dilemma was 1. How big of a possibility could this be the one night stands baby? 2. Even though honesty is the best policy, is worth coming clean to announce my guilt and regret and drag my fiancé to my misery for the rest of my pregnancy with the slim doubt this baby couldn't be his?

AngelSong76 · August 2014

Just agreeing with previous posters. Honesty is the only choice. You already hurt him by cheating. He deserves to know. He needs all the information before you get married.

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