In-law drama! Need to Vent. Warning: This post is lengthy. - Page 2 — The Bump
2nd Trimester

In-law drama! Need to Vent. Warning: This post is lengthy.

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Re: In-law drama! Need to Vent. Warning: This post is lengthy.

  • I will go ahead and be the black sheep of the group and side eye the shit out of a lot of PPs comments.

    Sure, OP the world doesn't stop and give a moment of silence when you find out the sex of your kid. So your mil wanting to know before your reveal party that no one gives two shits about makes total sense.

    However, your mil a grown ass woman and made arrangements with your family so if they did something behind her back, I personally think she needed to say something to THEM about it. They all took it upon themselves to make some kind of deal together. Not you. I didn't read all of it but I did read most and I think you might be miss reading your mil. She seems sort of alone in all of this and could be taking things to heart when she really needs to reevaluate the entire situation before making assumptions that everyone is out to get her.

    It's a BOY










    mommy5point0brookeasc
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  • BeevolBeevol
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Photogenic
    member
    I'm with @weezy56 - your MIL is petty and ridiculous, your mom should not have gone behind her back though. Here's the thing though - none of it matters. 

    This is probably a super important lesson for you to learn now that you're going to be a parent: When someone is being ridiculous the best thing to do is to stay calm and be reasonable. Doesn't matter if that someone is you two-year-old who is pitching a fit about bedtime or if that someone is your MIL who is pitching a fit about furniture. 

    Also, a hot dog sounds amazing right now. 
    momthatliftsmommy5point0silverwings72hjenni
  • khanley1980khanley1980
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    member
    edited July 2014
  • edited July 2014
    Did everyone just ignore the part where I said I got some perspective and that we may BOTH be in the wrong and that there was lack of communication on my mother's part? 

    After I found out about the phone call about the nursery I repeatedly told her how much I would like to go out shopping with her. Been telling her since day 1 how much I want her involved, but, like I said, there's only so much that I can do to involve her and she needs to meet me halfway and EXPRESS VERBALLY to us if she's feeling left out, but she doesn't. I'm not a mind reader. 

    Also, to outright accuse someone you barely know of deliberately not inviting you to something we've only been talking to you about for months isn't rude? Instead of coming to me and asking me or even asking her what happened she went behind my back to everyone else in her family who all told her she needed to get the whole story. Instead she continued to accuse.

    I'm definitely not perfect and she and I have had differences in the past where I ended up telling her that I was wrong. DH, in this instance, is feeling the same way I am. To him this was a big weekend. He does not have a father, His father passed away from cancer when he was 13 so the only one he has is his mom. All he wanted was for his mother to come and be joyful and celebrate with us. He feels she could've just waited a little bit longer so he could enjoy that he's having a son. If that's selfish, so be it.

    Instead, we were put in the middle of EVERYTHING. Instead of speaking with the parties who upset her, she came to US and put it all on us, just like she does when she has a disagreement with anyone. It can be a lot to handle sometimes. We are constantly put in the middle and are sick of it. We explained to her during the wedding planning process when she was having issues with her other kids and only ever called us to complain about someone that we couldn't be put in the middle of every conflict. She never once called to find out how we were doing. And we are afraid it's continuing.

    We have no problem with her confiding in us if she needs to. But instead of dealing with people she ignores it and then we are thrown into everything and have even been told in the past not to talk to someone just because they upset her.

    It's a lot of stress to be put in the middle. I would not have been as upset if she had decided to confront and discuss the situation with whomever upset her.
  • Did everyone just ignore the part where I said I got some perspective and that we may BOTH be in the wrong and that there was lack of communication on my mother's part? 


    After I found out about the phone call about the nursery I repeatedly told her how much I would like to go out shopping with her. Been telling her since day 1 how much I want her involved, but, like I said, there's only so much that I can do to involve her and she needs to meet me halfway and EXPRESS VERBALLY to us if she's feeling left out, but she doesn't. I'm not a mind reader. 

    Also, to outright accuse someone you barely know of deliberately not inviting you to something we've only been talking to you about for months isn't rude? Instead of coming to me and asking me or even asking her what happened she went behind my back to everyone else in her family who all told her she needed to get the whole story. Instead she continued to accuse.

    I'm definitely not perfect and she and I have had differences in the past where I ended up telling her that I was wrong. DH, in this instance, is feeling the same way I am. To him this was a big weekend. He does not have a father, His father passed away from cancer when he was 13 so the only one he has is his mom. All he wanted was for his mother to come and be joyful and celebrate with us. He feels she could've just waited a little bit longer so he could enjoy that he's having a son. If that's selfish, so be it.

    Instead, we were put in the middle of EVERYTHING. Instead of speaking with the parties who upset her, she came to US and put it all on us, just like she does when she has a disagreement with anyone. It can be a lot to handle sometimes. We are constantly put in the middle and are sick of it. We explained to her during the wedding planning process when she was having issues with her other kids and only ever called us to complain about someone that we couldn't be put in the middle of every conflict. She never once called to find out how we were doing. And we are afraid it's continuing.

    We have no problem with her confiding in us if she needs to. But instead of dealing with people she ignores it and then we are thrown into everything and have even been told in the past not to talk to someone just because they upset her.

    It's a lot of stress to be put in the middle. I would not have been as upset if she had decided to confront and discuss the situation with whomever upset her.
    A few things.

    No I didn't ignore it, I read everything and gave my opinion.

    In one portion of this post you say she could have came to you with her complaints. Then a few paragraphs later you complain about her coming to you with her complaints. Which is it? Regardless of who she goes to you are going to be upset with her.

    A gender reveal party is hardly a big weekend if you are not the parents to be. Sorry, it just isn't. I still can't wrap my head around why people love doing these parties. If she doesn't want to "be joyful and celebrate", like you want her to, ignore her.

    You don't have to be put in the middle. When she starts her crazy antics, ignore it. It's not that hard. Yes she sounds extremely dramatic but you are feeding into it.



    image

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • As a psychologist, it sounds as though she may have a personality disorder. I would look up/research/go see a therapist to find out the best way to handle her. It does involve not reacting to her AT ALL. Tough stuff. She will likely never see the error of her ways. People with personality disorders tend to drive everyone around them nuts but never see it themselves. 

    Wtaf? No. Just no. Everything you just said you need to delete. You don't know a damp thing about her mil

    It's a BOY










  • Okay so you have a dramatic mother in law.  I relate but as it has been pointed out you married her son.  Even though he may have irriation with her trust me it probably hurts him that everyone can't just get along.  This is what I have learned in my life at 42 being married a second time in dealing with in laws.  I don't live close to them, I express my needs, I consider their needs, like someone said I pick my battles.  I learned that for any argument or issue there are always two parties participating.  It is very easy to point fingers and blame even if the other person is in the wrong but I have learned there is always a part I play into or help create.  If I look at my part and change what I can in my attitude and behavior (which often trust me is difficult because I married a man who is the baby) it shifts things.  If there is not some common ground found it won't be just you or your husband that suffers but your child will pick up on this and miss out and it won't be all MIL that has had a part.  Do your best to include her and when it is all said and done like with the invite let her be her.  She obviously loves drama and is creating it because you are participating and getting mad to get the attention she is seeking.  There should be boundaries and you do not have to explain however you should be considerate and think would I want to be done this way no matter how insignificant it is in your mind treat it as if it isn't.  I am sure there are things that you find important others would find insignificant but do you want to be treated as such.  Explain to your family about inclusion as someone said it is just good manners that if you include her in say buying baby furniture and she sees you bought something that you didn't communicate.  Obviously she doesn't have the coping skills to process and let it go so treat her in a sense as if she doesn't but with respect.  It all sounds like there is a lack of communication from you, your family and his family.  Also I noticed you asked for advice by posting on a forum but when the truth and advice is given I can sense your not open because you have 'reason's'.  I have learned and still learned anytime I inject but they, but this, then I am not open for solution and want to be right in the problem and I have really good friends that help me to see this.  Drama, stubbornness and lack of communication killed my first marriage and two wonderful kids were caught in the middle and I still deal with it.  I am remarried and have found issues with every family including my own who often I am sorry to say will make errors and aren't perfect.  We have limits and boundaries and trust me, my husband, his family and I visit them but when I squarely sit down and view my part in creating the mess and initiating the bad behavior from the other side then I have something to work with.  I try to be honest and open with my MIL and I can see some very co-dependent behavior but I learned to deal with it and walk away when I need, communicate my feelings which can't be argued, acknowledge her feelings which are very real to her no matter how dramatic (most of it stems from old past stuff) and try to forgive and include.  Yes she sounds selfish but I find in the past somewhere I probably and most other others too stepped on the toes of others and they retaliate as I would if they stepped in mine.  Maybe apologize for lack of communication, admit your part which is pretty hard but mature, and move forward with the motivation to communicate better.  You can't change others but can learn to live with difficult people if you find your okay with you then people won't get to you as much.  Look at the ages you all are acting with the nah nah boo boo thing, your mother in law behavior, your mother, your husband, and your own behavior and treat it as such.  Some of it sounds like a toddler, sorry if that is harsh but we all have been there.  Would you treat a toddler that way if so well your in for an awakening with this baby because how you act will be reflected in his/her attitude and as my mother told me you get to see what you are like.  They mimic your attitudes, Here is a great poem to remember when dealing with adults, children or the your own behavior and then maybe giving a little forgiveness:

     

  • Children Learn What They Live
    By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.


    If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
    If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
    If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
    If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
    If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
    If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
    If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
    If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
    If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
    If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
    If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
    If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
    If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
    If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
    If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
    If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
    If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
    If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
    If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

  • mommy5point0mommy5point0
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    member
    edited July 2014
    OP, do you regret asking now?

    ETA: not finger pointing, but I am willing to bet this didn't shake down like you imagined it would...and FWIW I would be avoiding anyone who shows histrionic tendencies after this.


  • OP, do you regret asking now?

    ETA: not finger pointing, but I am willing to bet this didn't shake down like you imagined it would...and FWIW I would be avoiding anyone who shows histrionic tendencies after this.

    That's good advice, but how's she going to avoid her own self?  

    Stuff like this takes a lot of internal reflection. I'm sure the responses here have given her some food for thought.

    Personally speaking, there are behaviors my parents show that I absolutely hate. Most often, they're my own bad habits too. It's a painful realization and I often struggle with this...

    Side note: something DH told me when we first started dating was I reminded him a lot of his mom. Lots of men tend to marry women just like their mothers, my poor brother included, LOL. I kinda have the feeling hers did too.
    silverwings72
  • when my husband and I were about to get married our priest sat down with us and literally told us. Husbands handle his parents, wife handles theirs. If you say something to her, she'll never forget or forgive it. If her son comes to her and says something she doesnt necessarily want to hear, she'll forgive her own child. Dont put yourself in the line of fire. My MIL is the queen of maniuplation and guilt trips. My husband is her only child. LUCKY ME!  but the best thing you can do is make him handle it. You're his wife, and he needs to be on your side of things. You're MIL is being dramatic and is just trying to get the pity attention from people. Dont give it to her. It's like a child when they start acting crazy, it's for attention. dont give it to them and they eventually give up and realize it's not getting the result they want. GL

     

    *Siggy Warning*

    TTC since 11/11. 10 months natural= 10 BFN 8/12 First appt with RE 4 semen anaylsis later 1.9 million count, 21% motility and very poor morphology Me- bloodwork, 2 ultrasounds, HSG exam =I'm fine / 3 months of testosterone treatments = 3 more BFN DH bloodwork after 3 months treatment= no change/  

    RE says we can continue with hormone treatment for MIF, RE says we can try IUI but doesn't expect the results to be good based on severe MIF/ 

     IVFw/ICSI Cycle #1 1/11/13 Antagonist Protocol IVF Cycle #1 Canceled due to poor response and lead follicle problems. 1/18/13 started Provera to get body back to baseline / take a break to re-evaluate and recoop finances

    IVFw/ICSI Cycle #2 4/13/14 Supressed with Estrace for 7 days. / Started injections 4/22/14. Baseline -0 follicles  Started 75iu menapur/150iu follistim, morning and evening injections   ER- 8 Retrieved, 7M, 7F, 5/8 transferred2 Good 8 and 9 cell Embryos. Beta #1 at 11dp3dt  67! I'm pregnant! Beta #2 174! Ultrasound scheduled 6/6/14

    Ultrasound on 6/6 confirmed a singleton pregnancy and a heartbeat, although my iradic breathing would allow us to get the rate.  Second ultrasound measured great and got to hear he heartbeat!! 176 bpm Graduating to my OBGYN with our next appointment with them being 7/23/14

     

     
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    image
  • You better  believe it @Bliss+Berry

    *Siggy Warning*

    TTC since 11/11. 10 months natural= 10 BFN 8/12 First appt with RE 4 semen anaylsis later 1.9 million count, 21% motility and very poor morphology Me- bloodwork, 2 ultrasounds, HSG exam =I'm fine / 3 months of testosterone treatments = 3 more BFN DH bloodwork after 3 months treatment= no change/  

    RE says we can continue with hormone treatment for MIF, RE says we can try IUI but doesn't expect the results to be good based on severe MIF/ 

     IVFw/ICSI Cycle #1 1/11/13 Antagonist Protocol IVF Cycle #1 Canceled due to poor response and lead follicle problems. 1/18/13 started Provera to get body back to baseline / take a break to re-evaluate and recoop finances

    IVFw/ICSI Cycle #2 4/13/14 Supressed with Estrace for 7 days. / Started injections 4/22/14. Baseline -0 follicles  Started 75iu menapur/150iu follistim, morning and evening injections   ER- 8 Retrieved, 7M, 7F, 5/8 transferred2 Good 8 and 9 cell Embryos. Beta #1 at 11dp3dt  67! I'm pregnant! Beta #2 174! Ultrasound scheduled 6/6/14

    Ultrasound on 6/6 confirmed a singleton pregnancy and a heartbeat, although my iradic breathing would allow us to get the rate.  Second ultrasound measured great and got to hear he heartbeat!! 176 bpm Graduating to my OBGYN with our next appointment with them being 7/23/14

     

     
    image
    image
  • OP, I think the best advice you have gotten is to remember that you are having a son who will likely one day marry a woman and have children. When your future daughter-in-law is pregnant you will want to be as involved in her pregnancy as your mom is with yours, rather than feel left out like your MIL does right now. 

    For that reason I would apologize to your MIL for every making her feel left out. You do not have to revisit every detail with her, rather say "We can tell that you are hurt and feel left out, we are truly sorry if we made you feel that way, we never meant to cause those feelings." All of which is true according to you. 

    If you want to go the extra mile, you can remind your parents that MIL is the grandma too and she is just as excited so it would be great if your family could include her too. I have had to remind my very tight knit family of this multiple times as my husband's family is less vocal and less likely to throw parties in our honor, but still loves us the same and wants to be included. 
    toomanycats1
  • My in laws are great, sorry for your drama. Hope you figure it out, cause it can go hard or horrible depending. MIL sounds drama and petty, but it also does seem she's consistently so. Choose your battles, have your DH do the talking to her, and make sure if you can that it doesnt go "My wife and I were talking and she thinks you should...." Cause that won't ever be forgiven either....
    GL with the rest :-)
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • So I took down my post since a few if you were so offended! It was just a suggestion guys.
    If you react so strongly to a silly online forum I can't imagine how you must react to true problems in your lives! Your poor families! Y'all need to relax and remember this forum is meant to be supportive.

  • So I took down my post since a few if you were so offended! It was just a suggestion guys.
    If you react so strongly to a silly online forum I can't imagine how you must react to true problems in your lives! Your poor families! Y'all need to relax and remember this forum is meant to be supportive.

    You were quoted soooo....

    You feel sorry for our families because you got called out for saying something foolish? Okay.


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    aditigirlallrightmeowLuluRM
  • I can see this situation from all the sides..... And if I were you I would take the "Not my circus, Not my monkeys" approach. MIL doesn't have a problem with YOU or anything you have control over. If she complains to you about things your family has done just let her know that you have no control over them and what they do and that you are sorry that they offend her.... It's not up to you to try and make everyone get along. Just let the loose end drag, let this negativity go, and focus on you and yours and the joy of the situation. Keep MIL in the loop, but don't try to mash your families together as that isn't going to work and it's not necessary. All this stress isn't good for you or,your baby, just let it go. Let your DH handle his mother however he sees fit.... she is his monkey, not yours.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers
    mommy5point0
  • I read these posts and comments and am truly perplexed. I'm sorry but Facebook is social media, not real life, and if you get offended by something on it, that is entirely your own issue - you choose to participate, read, etc. So, in the case of the MIL unfriending the sister, I wouldn't let it phase me one way or another, that's entirely her choice to not participate and the sister's choice to post what, to her, was a perfectly innocuous comment. Truly, it's none of anybody else's worry or deal, so I would ignore that interaction. If the MIL proceeded to discuss her choice to unfriend the sister, that is a separate issue. 

    I am completely empathetic and familiar with the difficulties of and challenges of blending very different families. My own MIL threatened to disown my husband after we got married and told him he was stupid if he didn't make me retroactively sign a prenup (Let's clarify, my husband has limited property and may inherit a small amount from his mother, but I have my own assets, stand to earn more during our married life, and could care less about "his" money.). She didn't have a nice word to say and had plenty of criticism for the first year of our marriage. However, that is my husband's mother and his only parent. So, I have always done my best to remember (a) our marriage comes first, that is the commitment we made to each other, but (b) family is the next most important thing (we just have to keep clear boundaries and really think about, ultimately, what is more important). A few years later finds us all with a far more functional, caring relationship. Am I my MIL's favorite person? Not by any means; but I know she now respects me as an individual and as my husband's chosen partner, and she stopped threatening my husband emotionally over me, and that is all I need.

    So...your mom is your mom. She is allowed to buy you whatever she damn well pleases, whenever, period. Even if it drives you crazy. Same goes for your MIL with your husband and by extension you. You can't control them but you can set boundaries. Though, as adults, I would expect your MIL to direct her upset to your mother. You are not the intermediary and it is inappropriate to expect you to intervene in something that isn't even, technically, your issue. You're the recipient of a gift. The end. If it helps, my MIL is currently on a mission to buy everything on our registry (and everything off it) with all the love and excitement of a grandmother (who hopes I have a girl, she doesn't like boys, my husband was supposed to be her girl, etc. ...*bemused*,  and is a little irritated that we refuse to find out the gender), which leaves my mother feeling a little frustrated. - But my mom doesn't ask me to intervene or complain about the situation, she just once expressed her disappointment and her hope that I know she loves me and is equally excited and then moved on. So, I devised a way to let my mom purchase one or two things that I know my MIL won't, that are key items, and my mom gets to host my baby shower (but this is convenient for my MIL, so win-win). It's a juggling act but there is a way to balance the reasonable demands, and at this point I have no compunction against gently but firmly indicating when I find some demands to be unreasonable.

    Ultimately, love your husband, be happy with yourself, be excited about your baby (congratulations!), and anything else really isn't your problem. ;)
    mommy5point0
  • hdall0807hdall0807
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    edited August 2014
    So I'm with you OP. I think you have kept her involved. As far as the furniture thing goes.... I would say your mom could have asked if buying the nursery furniture was still the plan. However if t was only briefly brought up once I wouldn't consider that set in stone. Your mom could have said "oh did you still want to do that because I found a great deal on the changing table." I do think your MIl is overreacting. If her other kids don't talk to her for this same type of thing and she did this at your wedding I'm going to guess you are starting to see the real her. This happened to us with my grandma in law. She was not invited to the hospital the day our daughter was born and was apparently extremely pissed about it. we had said for months we only wanted siblings and parents there the day of so it was not a surprise. She has been horrible to us in any attempt we have made since. It was really hard at first because my husband was her favorite and he adored her. After knowing that she has cut out now 3 out of her 4 grandchildren and all 5 of her great grandchildren now we should have seen it coming. She is now completely out of our lives and we only see her 1-2x a year and don't interact with her during those times. She has no clue we are pregnant and will have nothing to do with this child either, I would say to keep attempting. Relationship but know that at a certain point you may have to decide if its worth it.
    hjenni
  • So I took down my post since a few if you were so offended! It was just a suggestion guys. If you react so strongly to a silly online forum I can't imagine how you must react to true problems in your lives! Your poor families! Y'all need to relax and remember this forum is meant to be supportive.
    If you diagnosed a stranger with a personality disorder based on biased second hand info on the net.  I can't imagine how you must react to truly troubled people in your practice.  Do you do ECT at your consultations?    
  • I post on the multiples board but just wanted to say that I can understand your MIL being upset about the nursery furniture because I had something similar happen to me back in April. I co-hosted a friends shower with 2 other ladies that I did not know. They wanted to go in on the shower gift and get a gift card but I had already gotten the mother-to-be a gift. We all agreed (a one-time agreement) that we would still give a combined gift...we would give the item I purchased plus a small gift card and it would be from all of us. I brought the gift wrapped and another co-host had the gift card in an envelope. They were not taped together but I made sure the mother-to-be knew the wrapped gift was from all the hosts. Imagine my surprise when she opened the card with the gift card and there was no acknowledgement of me being a contributor. Then after she read the card, one of the co-hosts tells her the gift card was only from the her, the other host, and the mom of the mother-to-be. The situation certainly irritated the heck out of me. Since I did not know the other co-hosts, I chose to just leave it alone at that time.

    My advice would be for you to at least acknowledge your MILs feelings about the situation or others as they come up. You don't have to agree with her but sometimes just hearing someone and acknowledging how they feel can be therapeutic for that person.

     

    hjenni
  • It sounds like your MIL and your mother have different definitions of what an agreement is.  You MIL is technically right in that if they made plans to do something, even if it was a brief conversation, your mother should have called your MIL before making any purchases for the nursery.  Even though your MIL should have gone to your mother to discuss this, she was obviously extremely hurt and confused and acted in the moment.  Can you honestly say that's never happened to you?
    DS  12-1-2014
    DD 10-29-2016
    #3 due 10-13-2018
  • OP you sound just as bad as her. If you weren't also a drama queen yourself you wouldn't be posting novels about her her her.

    imageimageimage
    H e n r y  May 21, 2014

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    aditigirl
  • Regardless of what was rude and on purpose and what was not, it doesn't seem fair to put you in the middle. Unless you egged on your mom and sister to do those things, that is not your fault. Mentioning her hurt feelings once is more than enough to get the message across. After that it's up to you on how to address it or if you should even mention it to your family.

    Feeling like you have to answer for or are accountable for your other family members can be very frustrating and stressful. But if she's anything like other people I know with a similar-sounding personality, she'll forget about the slight eventually. 
  • I'm surprised so many people are on your MIL's "side". Complaining that she wasn't sent an invite even though you had already invited her? Complaining your mom bought one piece of furniture for your nursery? Getting offended by pretty much everything your sister says/does? It's all so petty and dramatic. If she has such a big problem with one piece of furniture than she could have just called your mom and talked to her about it. I could understand if it was the crib or a rocker because grandparents love getting that kind of stuff but a changing table isn't really a big deal. Plus it sounds like her communication with your family isn't so good so I could see them going in on furniture never actually happening. If I were you I'd talk to my mom about whether or not they had agreed on the buying the furniture together, and if so just have her apologize and make arrangements to go shopping with your MIL. That way they can both be involved. I think the best way a MIL can avoid feeling left out is to make an effort instead of assuming everyone is trying to not include her.
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Lanna2014hdall0807
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