Today I had a dental cleaning that put me on a downward spiral. I made the appointment in December. I purposely waited seven months so that I would be comfortable leaving ds for an hour. He should be about a month old.
The receptionist and the dental assistant both asked me if we had any other kids. I told them we lost ds in March. The receptionist told me, "in time?" Wth?! I'm trying to remember people mean well but it can be difficult.
One of the girls that was on the same BMB as Devon posted a picture of her son today on Instagram. He is the sweetest little boy ever, but I cried when I saw that picture. Devon should've been almost two, just like her son. I should be getting ready for his second birthday party, not trying to figure out how I'm going to handle a second angelversary without him. Even as I'm typing this out, I'm crying. I've been able to handle other babies his age, but that picture just made me so sad.
Every time someone asks me how many children I have, I always hesitate. That almost always sets me off, even two years later.
When the stuffed animal at her grave is wet and dirty. It shouldn't be outside at a grave, it should be clean and dry in her room. Even when I went to take it home to wash it, I lost it because she needed her stuff animal there with her and I couldn't bring myself to take it.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
Any time I see a double stroller with twins I freak out. The last time it happened, my husband and I were going to the aquarium (we try to do things on the 10th of each month for the boys), and I saw kids in the same stroller I had bought Conner and Benjamin. I find that I can see babies and be fine, but if I see twins I just lose it. I can't handle seeing what I will never have again.
When there aren't flowers at his gravesite I get upset. They pick up flowers once a week so it's only empty for a few hours between when they pick them up and when me or DH can get there to put place new ones, but it bothers me.
Or when songs there were popular when I was pregnant come on, songs I used to sing to him before he was born and before we knew what was coming.
I was friends with three other ladies who were all expecting girls the same month as I was expecting Elsie. seeing pictures of two of them, I am fine. But the third one always sets me off. Her mom and I have been friends since middle school, so we had always talked about our kids being besties too.
Certain songs, smells, etc. And anytime my mom or dad refer to my niece as their "favorite". They do it to build her up, but it breaks my heart. If Elsie were here, they would not say it.
"Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."
Certain songs, seeing other mom's with strollers that are the same as the one we purchased for our son, seeing other new mom's out with their newborns, my parents taking "family pictures" with all my nieces and nephews (but my son is missing)...
For me, it's seeing two little boys, brothers, out shopping with mom or at the park. I want DS to have a sibling so bad and it is so hard to see what he is missing out on.
I also have a hard time with friends babies who were due at the same time as Colton, who are now the same age. That is really hard.
Me: 32 DH: 33 High School Sweethearts Married 5/28/2005
DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16. Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
For a while I have a very hard time seeing a mom with a child around the same age as my daughter AND another little one. It's just so easy for some people to get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a baby that lives.
BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011
BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012
I know it's soon and I'm still in the early stages of grieving [we lost both our boys at 28 weeks on July 16th], I have a hard time going by their room. It was never completed, just used as storage because we were stock piling everything. 4 days before we got the news, my mom and I went on a shopping spree and bought 152 pieces of clothing, 7 boxes of diapers, etc. My husband and I were pretty much done at getting everything we would have needed...and now I'm left with the thought "what do I do with it?....what should we keep in case we have a boy in the future?"
Plus, one of my great friends [whom I also work with] is pregnant with their first child, a boy. Our due dates were 1 week apart from each other. We called each other bump buddies! She's having a hard time with our loss because she's scared now and I'm having a hard time with her wanting to visit because we shared that mommy bond!
Everything is just so surreal....I keep just wanting to wake up and everything be fine and dandy. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare!
I had a new one for me last night. I was in line behind a mom and her pre teen daughter at a store. They were doing back to school shopping and all that will never be with my Frannie just hit me. I started crying right there. I just wonder if it will be like this for the rest of my life.
When I took my rainbow to his 2 month check-up. We were sitting in the waiting room with a few other families. They call you by the child's name. A nurse came in and called for Eleanor, and I actually started to reach for the carseat and baby, thinking for a split second that I had Ellie with me instead of S. Then I realized that was impossible because she is dead, and it all hit me like it had just happened again. I broke down crying right there in the middle of the waiting room, looking like a crazy person.
When I took my rainbow to his 2 month check-up. We were sitting in the waiting room with a few other families. They call you by the child's name. A nurse came in and called for Eleanor, and I actually started to reach for the carseat and baby, thinking for a split second that I had Ellie with me instead of S. Then I realized that was impossible because she is dead, and it all hit me like it had just happened again. I broke down crying right there in the middle of the waiting room, looking like a crazy person.
These are all such sad stories. I hate that we all have to experience this pain. This one just broke my heart. I'm sorry this sounds like an awful day.
When I took my rainbow to his 2 month check-up. We were sitting in the waiting room with a few other families. They call you by the child's name. A nurse came in and called for Eleanor, and I actually started to reach for the carseat and baby, thinking for a split second that I had Ellie with me instead of S. Then I realized that was impossible because she is dead, and it all hit me like it had just happened again. I broke down crying right there in the middle of the waiting room, looking like a crazy person.
@gertiebarden - this breaks my heart. So many ((hugs)). That had to be so painful.
Me: 32 DH: 33 High School Sweethearts Married 5/28/2005
DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16. Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
****child mentioned in siggy****
Every time I hear his name (Logan). I also will never order/eat from the sandwich place that we ate for dinner the same night we went to the hospital and found out Logan had no h/b.
BFP#1=1/17/08 Missed m/c: 3/19/08@ 12 w D&C 3/21/08
BFP #2=8/5/08 She arrived 4/16/09!
BFP#3 7/9/11 EDD:3/16/11 Logan Patrick born sleeping on 3/20/11
When I took my rainbow to his 2 month check-up. We were sitting in the waiting room with a few other families. They call you by the child's name. A nurse came in and called for Eleanor, and I actually started to reach for the carseat and baby, thinking for a split second that I had Ellie with me instead of S. Then I realized that was impossible because she is dead, and it all hit me like it had just happened again. I broke down crying right there in the middle of the waiting room, looking like a crazy person.
Ugh that hurts. I also had a lot of split seconds when I thought I had Stella with me, and then remembered this is a different baby. It's all so twisted.
BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011
BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012
I have trouble seeing little blonde haired boys because that's always what I pictured our Jack to look like. We were at the RE's office last week and this woman, very pregnant, was there with her toddler(a little blonde) and husband. All the nurses were oooh and ahh'ing over the cute things he was saying. I couldn't even look at him. Then the mom, apparently having twins, told the nurse she'd be happy if they were 37weekers and 6lbs each that was the goal to make her happy. I said out loud, "Seems like having babies that are alive is a better goal". I got some nasty looks for that one, oh well, she was stupid she deserved an imaginary slap for that.
Me: 33, Endocrine issues & FVL DH: 32, Nothing
NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:
Clomid, 2 IUI cycles, and 5 IVF cycles = BFN
FET #1 August 2013 = BFP! EDD 5/11/14
Jack dx at 19w1d with Dandy Walker on 12/16/13
Severe Pre-e /HELLP set in Jack born sleeping at 20w1d on 12/23/13
lexusolsen
member
Re: Unexpected triggers
The receptionist and the dental assistant both asked me if we had any other kids. I told them we lost ds in March. The receptionist told me, "in time?" Wth?! I'm trying to remember people mean well but it can be difficult.
Ticker warning
When the stuffed animal at her grave is wet and dirty. It shouldn't be outside at a grave, it should be clean and dry in her room. Even when I went to take it home to wash it, I lost it because she needed her stuff animal there with her and I couldn't bring myself to take it.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
When there aren't flowers at his gravesite I get upset. They pick up flowers once a week so it's only empty for a few hours between when they pick them up and when me or DH can get there to put place new ones, but it bothers me.
Or when songs there were popular when I was pregnant come on, songs I used to sing to him before he was born and before we knew what was coming.
I also have a hard time with friends babies who were due at the same time as Colton, who are now the same age. That is really hard.
I know it's soon and I'm still in the early stages of grieving [we lost both our boys at 28 weeks on July 16th], I have a hard time going by their room. It was never completed, just used as storage because we were stock piling everything. 4 days before we got the news, my mom and I went on a shopping spree and bought 152 pieces of clothing, 7 boxes of diapers, etc. My husband and I were pretty much done at getting everything we would have needed...and now I'm left with the thought "what do I do with it?....what should we keep in case we have a boy in the future?"
Plus, one of my great friends [whom I also work with] is pregnant with their first child, a boy. Our due dates were 1 week apart from each other. We called each other bump buddies! She's having a hard time with our loss because she's scared now and I'm having a hard time with her wanting to visit because we shared that mommy bond!
Everything is just so surreal....I keep just wanting to wake up and everything be fine and dandy. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare!
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
I also had a lot of split seconds when I thought I had Stella with me, and then remembered this is a different baby. It's all so twisted.
I have trouble seeing little blonde haired boys because that's always what I pictured our Jack to look like. We were at the RE's office last week and this woman, very pregnant, was there with her toddler(a little blonde) and husband. All the nurses were oooh and ahh'ing over the cute things he was saying. I couldn't even look at him. Then the mom, apparently having twins, told the nurse she'd be happy if they were 37weekers and 6lbs each that was the goal to make her happy. I said out loud, "Seems like having babies that are alive is a better goal". I got some nasty looks for that one, oh well, she was stupid she deserved an imaginary slap for that.
NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:
Jack has handpicked his sibling up there
My blog about IF and loss ... Kate's IF Blog
