Does anybody's friends or family understand? (Rant)

Hollowvic · June 2014

I feel your pain. Ever since I got married in Feb. 2013 my boss, co workers and family members all assume I am trying to get pregnant (which I am). Every time I have even the slightest stomach upset or have to pee more than usual, I get asked if I'm pregnant. So I finally confided in my boss that I have been trying without success, her answer to me was "wow I got pregnant the first month I tried both times." Wow, that made me feel a whole lot better, thanks. My husband sounds like yours, every time I try to talk to him about it he just says I need to relax, and then he says we'll get pregnant soon, usually followed by a joke to lighten up the mood. It doesn't help.

TTCBabyJ · June 2014

I'm so sorry you had to experience that...finding people who really understand IF is really hard. I also have a friend who is "me too" kind of friend everything always has to relate back to what she is going thru. So now when she asks I just say everything is fine. Sometimes I honestly feel like this is the only place, besides DH, that allows me to feel the way I want to feel about IF.

xlittlerosebudx · July 2014

eskimozie is correct and that a lot of us are caregivers so people aren't used to us being the ones who need care but I also think people are just plain stupid when it comes to reproduction. I'm an RN and there were a lot of things I didn't know about my own body until I started going through all of this. And I went to school to study the human body! I think we really need to do a better job of educating people about reproduction so they don't make insensitive comments without realizing it.

TLooney17 · July 2014

I agree with the other ladies that unless someone has been through it then they don't get it. I talk to my friends and family about it, and I wish that they would ask questions or ask for updates to show that they care but it seems like they are just uncomfortable with it. They say things like " oh it will happen eventually."

They don't know how painful it is to go through. I think most of us just want our pain acknowledge and not dismissed so easily.

erollis · July 2014

LSantay said:
@daydreamernyc maybe they still think that storks bring babies and you we aren't putting out the right bait for them?

On a more serious note I was talking about ovulation with a female co worker in her mid twenties and I blew her mind when I explained that the egg only survives 24 hours if not fertilized. She told me the next day she was telling her friends all the things I told her. Maybe we need to work on educating the next generation who aren't insensitive fools.

The uneducated about their bodies always makes me shake my head.

Back in Hs university days a group of us went to dinner and somehow got on the subject of sex shops. So we all went to the nearest one and wandered around looking at stuff. A box caught one of the girls attention. She called the other girls over and pointed at the diagram. They were all shocked that we have 3 holes! "Sex and the city wasn't lying!" These girls were just in shock. It was the biggest revelation ever! I just was in so much shock I couldn't say a single thing. And all these girls were 2+ years older then me!

eskimozie · July 2014

When I was teaching High School Biology you wouldn't believe the questions I got asked. Finally I just scheduled a day when we didn't have lecture, it was just an entire class where they could ask me questions. I have 16 year old girls with children who didn't know how babies were made! I had guys who honestly believed that the pull out method, or jumping up and down, or even girl on top prevented pregnancy. They didn't understand menstrual cycles, how sperm and egg were made and stored, or even how a sperm and egg made a baby. We were talking about sexual reproduction from a cellular standpoint, mitosis, meiosis, and gene transfer. When they discovered that this all applied to them and to sex... it completely blew their crazy hormone addled little minds.

erollis · July 2014

eskimozie said:
When I was teaching High School Biology you wouldn't believe the questions I got asked. Finally I just scheduled a day when we didn't have lecture, it was just an entire class where they could ask me questions. I have 16 year old girls with children who didn't know how babies were made! I had guys who honestly believed that the pull out method, or jumping up and down, or even girl on top prevented pregnancy. They didn't understand menstrual cycles, how sperm and egg were made and stored, or even how a sperm and egg made a baby. We were talking about sexual reproduction from a cellular standpoint, mitosis, meiosis, and gene transfer. When they discovered that this all applied to them and to sex... it completely blew their crazy hormone addled little minds.

My mind is blown. I guess I knew that this does happen but how can you have a kid and not know?! And don't schools teach sex ed?

I wanted to love this. You are a great teacher for doing that! Made the world slightly better. But I can't love people being ignorant of their bodies.

eskimozie · July 2014

Gotcha

In our school district Sophomores take "health". Too little, too late.

bravegrace22 · July 2014

to piggyback on previous posts..i'm so sorry that you're even in the position to have to that discussion, it is not easy with anyone, let alone those who have not been through it. my husband and i just recently decided to tell our closest friends and have done so throughout the past couple of weeks. they all knew that we started 'trying trying' last spring, so it seemed right and fair to let them in on what was going on for a number of reasons: so that they wouldn't feel awkward asking how it was going at this point, so we didn't have to be vague about being 'busy' with so many dr's apts, &so when i go for surgery we weren't springing everything on them then. our friends are truly our family and we knew that they would be supportive, but it was still a difficult thing to bring up and discuss, esp multiple times. I had varying responses. what happened most, was what we were afraid of-that they would get super worried and feel bad for us. yes, ik that means they love us, but we didn't want to be adding more on to their plates, it's bad enough that we worry about it constantly we didn't want people to look at us with pity and i have a feeling it will take them a while to get past that. but one of my girlfriends had the best reaction. she simply said "that sucks". and i was like "yea, yea it does" i could tell she felt bad for us and was concerned for my health, but she just offered her help and condolences for having to go through all of it and just listened.

just about everyone else, my husband included, has told me not to worry, that tons of other people go through the same things and that it'll be ok. sometimes i just want to say "i'm allowed to be sad and worried and pissed, just let me state the facts of whats going on and feel what i'm feeling"

but then i think, they are just trying to help. and i'm sure your friend was doing the same. they don't know exactly what we're going through so they don't know what to say and they are simply trying to connect and relate to us and what we're experiencing.

i totally understand where you're coming from with not wanting to be selfish--one of the friends we told is my 'baby buddy'. we were on the same track until recently and now that she is putting off getting pregnant i think she feels like she shouldn't say certain things to me and i feel like i shouldn't be talking about it at all with her for fear that it's all i talk about. when i told her everything that had been going on, she seemed distracted and when i brought the convo back a little later to say "even though we're going through this, please don't feel like you have to keep anything from me. and if it happens for you, know that i will be just as excited and that you can tell me." she sort of dismissed it, but admitted that she had worried about that.

i keep trying to remind myself that DH and I are still trying to get through this, so they will all need time (prob more than us) to figure out how to handle it too. Now we just have to decide if we're telling our parents

:-SS :-&

best of luck to you on your journey & know that you always have understanding, listening ears on here.

desertheart · July 2014

I really thought my husband was like yours until the other week. He went out and drank way too much with his brother who was in town. He came home and asked if I saw the Facebook post of one of our English friends. I had. His wife had just had a baby, and we didn't even know they were expecting. My husband sat down on the bed and cried. CRIED. He never does that. He told me he wanted a baby so bad and said, "Why can't I do that??"

I had no idea. I think he normally acts like it's all no big deal to be strong or something.

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

@Shelia6, I'm glad he was able to let it out like that. I bet it made you feel good that you aren't the only one worrying about things or in need of support.

I love my husband so much, but sometimes I shake my head and think, "Men......"

desertheart · July 2014

I know! I couldn't even be pissed off that he'd stayed out until 3am and knocked over the nightstand. Not when he sat on the bed and cried.

christielynn86 · July 2014

I have one friend that I can talk to about all of what I am going through, and I only was open with her because she is going through IF as well. She found out a year before I did and has been so supportive and understanding that it almost makes up for everyone else being so, how do I put this, uneducated jerks... I think the worst one out of all of it is my mom, I've tried to give her one of my books on pcos because she kept asking me questions about it and never seemed to remember anything I would tell her when I would talk to her again. I'm so sorry you all are having to deal with these people who are self absorbed, or just completely insensitive! It's really hard to deal with! My cousin just told everyone that she is pregnant and now is saying that oh you need to get pregnant so my lil one will have someone to play with, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. She knows the situation, and I know she's not trying to pressure me, and be rude. I just respond with I want to be pregnant too! Wow this got long quick, sorry...

shirleymaeby · July 2014

I am so sorry your friend reacted that way! It can really be such an isolating experience dealing with IF. Don't think you can't talk to someone though. Find another friend to talk to. Find a support group. Really sit your DH down and explain what you're going through. Mine had no idea how much I was hurting inside until I completely lost it one day when another person on FB turned up pregnant.

DH and I truly messed up because we told EVERYONE when we started TTC four years ago. Assuming we would be pregnant in no time. As time went on without a baby people started asking us what was going on. So now far more people than we'd like know about our IF. Some are really sensitive to it. Others are not. Some days it feels like everyone in the world is having babies just to spite us.

The worst thing that happened was that my BF from high school and I talked about our struggles every day for a year. She was really sensitive to what was happening with me and it was awesome to have someone to talk to about the intimate details. And then she got pregnant...accidentally...and she already had two kids. And she stopped being sensitive and started talking about her pregnancy all the time. Her morning sickness. Her baby shower. Baby names. I had to stop talking to her entirely for a few months because I was too full of anger to even think about her. She wasn't even thinking about having another child and then she suddenly gets pregnant.

Hang in there. AT least you know you have a chat room full of other women who are going through everything you are going through! We might not be able to see you or hug you in real life, but it's been a relief to me to be able to really unload with people who understand my struggles.

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