Does anybody's friends or family understand? (**Rant**)

LindseyM2012

I decided today to finally tell my best friend why I'm not yet pregnant.  We started trying around the same time and her daughter is coming any day now.  She always asks, "Any news," or says, "I was hoping you wouldn't be drinking tonight...hint, hint," every time we see each other.  Now that I finally have a preliminary plan to treat my PCOS, I decided to tell her today.  She glanced over what I was telling her and began talking about her health issues.  In all fairness, she has quite serious chronic health issues.  She got pregnant after three months of trying and had the audacity to tell me "It didn't come easy to us."  She was very open with their process of getting pregnant (Yes, I know what position they did to actually conceive!!  TMI).  I was able to tell her half of my story and plan for getting pregnant before she had completely changed the subject to where I felt selfish bringing it back to me.  So I stopped.

She is the only person I was comfortable speaking to about this, and now I feel completely dismissed.  My husband is so nonchalant about everything that I don't even know what he thinks about this whole fertility stuff.  It seems like it is such a non-issue to him.  When I am upset about it, he just wants to make me laugh.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him trying to lift my spirits, but sometimes I just need to be upset about not being able to conceive on my own.  I need to grieve the fact that this won't happen the way I thought it would happen.  

Is there anything you ladies do to cope with all this stuff????

AnnaClaire256

I'm sorry she acted that way. I know sometimes it's hard for anyone to know what to say to people in our position. Sometimes I want to hear, "it will happen in time" or "there are lots of treatment options with millions of success stories" and sometimes I just want someone to acknowledge that IF sucks and that there's a chance this may never happen for me.

Give her time. Hopefully she comes around and stops being so self involved. In the meantime, you've got us! The support of these ladies has gotten me through some of my hardest IF days. We all understand your struggle. So glad you're here!

LindseyM2012

Thank you @AnnaClaire256.  I completely understand her being self-involved right now.  Her first child will be born any day now.  I just wanted a few minutes to be self-involved too.  You ladies have definitely been supportive!  Even just lurking around the board gives me comfort.

ky29

I'm sorry it didn't go well. I've learned that unless you've been through it, you truly can't understand. They try and mean well, but it just ends up hurting. We will always be here though!

AnnaClaire256

I understand completely @LindseyM2012‌ my two best friend both have babies under 2. I gladly listen to hours and hours of stories about every little thing their kids do because I know that's the biggest part of their lives...but I feel like when I talk about IF they get a little uncomfortable. That's hard because when they ask "what's new with you" IF is pretty much my focus.

They're amazing friends...they just don't know the right thing to say.

meld42

I'm so sorry! I definitely know how you feel. I don't think anyone knows how IF is until they go through it. Even if it wasn't about IF, it always sucks when a friend turns a conversation around and doesn't listen to you. I can imagine it stings even more since it was such a delicate topic. Hope you can gain some comfort on the bump tonight

lebradford

The only friend I told pretty much did the same thing, so I don't necessarily have advice about what to do about that.

As far as your husband, I would recommend straight up telling him that sometimes you need to be sad about this to process your feelings and that you want him to talk to you a little bit seriously before moving into "fix it with laughter" mode. I think men jump to fix things immediately, but if we tell them what we need, they can usually give it to us with some practice.

chicory

Ditto to what @ky29‌ said. No matter how well they mean, it seems people really just do. not. get. infertility unless they've experienced it. Maybe I'm just jaded, but anymore, I just don't discuss the subject with those people or I shut them up with a blunt comment. We're here for you and we understand!

jencity9

I'm so sorry you had that experience!! It still astounds me sometimes how much people don't get IF or can't even imagine or at the very least try to be there better. I have had close people say some really hurtful things that make me wonder if they could even possibly wonder how insulting what they just said or did was. (((Hugs)))

nmccombs11

I don't have much insight either my friend do the same thing. they tell me don't get ur hopes up and crap like that and then get mad when I don't want to spend hrs in the baby department.. one of my friends would thin she was helping when my test would came back that I was o-ing fine she said well ur not infertile!!!   

daydreamernyc

So sorry you had this reaction. About 2 weeks ago I started to share my troubles with IF with my best friend. Her reaction was, "I don't understand what the rush is. Why don't you just wait and see what happens". I was so put off by that response that I didn't know what to say. Things won't "just happen" like it did for her or anyone else that doesn't have IF issues. I just said no rush and didn't go into anymore detail.

cupcake122

I'm so sorry my best friend had TTTC too so she's been a huge support for me. Albeit she's pregnant now so that gets a little tough.
I really don't think anyone can understand this if they haven't gone through it. People just say "oh stop being stressed". The worst part is that IF isn't something that's discussed so openly so you don't get the sympathy and understanding you deserve.

I have a coworker who constantly belittles my ability to do my job bc I don't have kids yet. "Oh wait till you have kids, you have no idea!" I wish I could punch her and say "b*tch if you only knew". Sometimes I want to give people a link to a good IF article and tell them to educate themselves on what we are going through

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry she dismissed your struggles. I'm glad, though, that you tried to tell her what you're going through. Hopefully when she has a LO and if you are struggling with that at all, she will be aware enough to remember how much you are going through and try to be there for you, too.

masterofallcheese

I am so sorry this happened. At the suggestion of my IRL support group, I decided to share our struggles with my childhood friend. She did not say anything at all and did not ask any questions which really hurt me and unfortunately reinforced my feelings of not wanting to ever share this again. But as someone else said, we must educate people on how to support us and I know I need to get much better about that.

Pintobean39

I'm so sorry about everything. Personally I prefer to drink. :-)

Seriously my friends don't really understand either. I have some friends that pretend it doesn't exist and some that just ask how are things going or just say they are thinking of me. I do have 1 friend that's been there for every step. She even knows when all my appts are and wants the details on how many follicles. She's been a life saver for me as a person to cry to when things aren't going good. My husband is like yours he is always upbeat and never believes anything is going to go wrong. I told him the other night I needed him to just let me cry there is no fixing things.

I feel like this whole process has caused me to distance myself from my friends because sometimes it's just to hard dealing with everything anyway and even harder having to deal with hurtful comments. IF is a very lonely. I don't know what if do without these boards.

catlover790

I'm so sorry! It must've been hard for you to decide to tell someone and then have them be dismissive!

In my experience, people just like to talk about themselves! Some people are a little self-centered! we haven't told anyone about TTTC but I've had some friends where I'll go a whole get-together without getting to talk about myself at all!

LindseyM2012

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind words and support!!!  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  It sounds like we've all experienced the same (or at least similar) stuff.  

I am in grad school for counseling and will soon be a therapist, so I am used to and happy to sit and listen to people.  Therefore, people are not used to me wanting to talk about myself I guess.  My husband did come through for me last night though.  I was cooking dinner when he got home and he knew something was wrong so he stayed in the kitchen (which he never does when I cook) and just waited for me to start talking.  I actually started to tell him about my day with my friend and I got so angry that I started swearing (I NEVER swear) and started crying.  I'm not a big crier and if I do cry, it is usually small tears that I try to hold back.  This was a full on angry cry and I was borderline hysterical.  He just hugged me, turned off the stove and walked me to the couch saying "I love you; I love you so much."  Maybe being hysterical scared him.  Maybe it illustrated to him how hard I'm really taking this.  I think he gets it now.  

As far as my friend goes, I don't think I'm going to try to talk to her about this anymore.  She got pregnant in 3 months (which I'm so happy for her about!!) and considers that "having a hard time trying."  No matter how much I explain things, I don't think she'll get it.  I'll just stick around this board.  You ladies are amazing!!

eskimozie

I'm so sick of the fake pity I get from SIL. Yes. It's wonderfull that the longest you had to try was a few months. No. I don't have any news. Yes. I've been to the doctor. No. I can't just stop trying in hopes that it will magically happen. Relax? Seriously? Somehow I don't think getting drunk and having sex in the driveway is the best option for us. Yes...your brat is adorible....

LindseyM2012

@eskimozie  Precisely!!

xlittlerosebudx

My BIL and SIL just got pregnant.  They tried for about 3-6 months.  He made a huge post on fb about how "difficult" it was for them to get so many negative pregnancy tests.  They don't know what my DH and I are going through or I would have gone completely off on him.

eskimozie

Yup. My BRO and SIL just announced a new pregnancy the day after I found out that my one and only conception had failed. prefect! Thanks. Couldn't be happier for you. Now your 18 month old will have a playmate. Lovely. I'm sorry it took you so long and was so hard for her to conceive!

juneroses

I am sorry you got blown off - how insensitive! I don't have any advice for sharing with friends. We have not told anyone....part of this is DH and I are fairly private by nature, and the other part is I couldn't bear the thought of our family and friends either trying to "help" by asking questions or avoiding the topic. I just can't take on the burden of their hope, if that makes sense. For peer support, the ladies here are amazing. For a laugh on self-obsessed pregnant friends, you might look up "pregnant women are smug" by Garfunkle and Oates on YouTube. Warning- it does have lots of profanity

xlittlerosebudx

@eskimozie do they know about what you and your significant other are going through?  My husband for some reason wants to keep this very quiet and personal.  I have been very open about it (all my friends know, my family knows, most of my coworkers know).  Aside from some ignorant comments that people make because they simply aren't educated on the subject, everyone has been really supportive.  But DH has only told his mother and a handful of friends.  I keep telling him he needs to tell his brother because one more comment about how "difficult" it was for them to get pregnant and I'm going to punch him in the face.

eskimozie

Oh yah... They know. I hate the smug self satisfied... "Oh it must be so hard for you. Alexa, give aunty a hug to cheer her up." Knowing and understanding, or empathizing, are two very different things.

xlittlerosebudx

I often wonder if that's what my DH worries about with telling his brother.  Because I think that would be worse than them simply making ignorant comments because they don't know.  As much as it upsets me, I understand it and just blame it on them being stupid and ignorant and not knowing our situation.  But for them to say stuff like that if they knew our situation would make things 100x worse.  I don't know how you keep it together!!

eskimozie

I have a lovely little chant.

"I am a fountain of calm and patience. I will not slap my mother, I will not slap Caiti. I am a fountain of calm and patience..."

DH laughs. It doesn't work very well.

xlittlerosebudx

Your chant is amazing! 
)

LindseyM2012

@eskimozie, I LOVE that chant!  Do you mind if I steal it (of course replacing the names)???

eskimozie

I concur. It really helps to chat with someone who understands. While dealing with all these baby issues, It's nice to know I'm not the only one with a super fertile, size 0, flawlessly skinned, beautifully haired, arch nemesis...and a psychotic mother.

ankhwearer04

Yes!  I feel this way a lot...  I have 3 very close girlfriends that I regularly talk about things with, but their reactions have been very dismissive as well.  The first friend is gay, though she wasn't always, and has a child from when she was with a man.  Now that she is with a woman (married for 5 years), whenever I bring up the stress/frustration of PCOS and having issues, she just tells me at least I have a penis with me every month... So rude and degrading to my husband.  I stopped telling her whats going on, because she turned it around every time.  The second friend just gave birth to her second child a week ago.  She's been a little more understanding, but whenever we talk about it, she tells me how she had to take Clomid for two months because they spent a year trying to get pregnant.  According to her husband, they weren't actually 'trying' as in they barely did the baby dance and she just wanted the attention of having to be put on clomid.  So she sort of lets me vent, but usually not.  And the third and last friend I haven't even told.  She conceived BOTH of her kids in the first month she tried each time.  She's asked if I'm trying or if I am putting it off until I am more established in my job and then tells me that it is all apart of god's plan (even though she knows my husband and I aren't religious).  I don't feel comfortable explaining everything that is going on with me to her, and it sucks because I want someone to go to that isn't my husband, he hears it all the time!  I usually come here, because its easier to share with people who actually understand!

Sewfie

It's really awful when the people that are closest to you are unsupportive. I haven't told my parents anything that we've been through, not even my surgery, because I'm afraid they'll say something either straight up rude or say something hurtful by accident. So I keep them in the dark to not put us in that position.
I've talked to a couple of friends, and basically started the conversation with "here's what I don't want to hear" to help them know how to respond. If you want to continue your friendship, you may have to tell her straight out that you need a few minutes to be selfish and you don't want to here xyz, or something like that.

daydreamernyc

It's really interesting to see so many of us having difficulty talking to friends and family. As we go through this, we learn all the details about how our bodies work. It then helps us understand limitations (for example, no left tube = really, really unlikely to conceive if follies are on the left) So, it's interesting reading all the responses ppl are getting. Do you think that ppl just don't understand the anatomy of it? That they think things just magically happen?

eskimozie

That might be the case with some people. But from what I've read here I also think that perhaps we here are the caretakers in life. If you've been dealing with this long enough to end up on this board then you've decided that having a child is worth pursuing, it's a battle worth fighting, and you aren't giving up. I think the people in our lives are used to us being the strong ones and always there for them. They don't even realize we may need a shoulder now and then too. I know that there is no one in my life that I can be weak with.

erollis

I'm so sorry about all the family and friends not understanding.

I really feel like I'm in a different boat sometimes. My family and friends have been amazing for the most part. Except for my mom. She's gotten a little better but she hates all the meds and tests I've done/are going to do.

The thing that bothers me is when family and friends tell me "success" stories. These "success" stories are so and so (I'm related to one of these success stories) was told when she was a teen, by her doctor, that she had pcos. And that she would NEVER be able to get pregnant. So she never tried to have a kid. Never used protection or bcp. Guess what?! She had a child with her husband/boyfriend! They were sooooo shocked because they were convinced they could never ever get pregnant! Ever!

Now I am truly happy for these ladies. I really am. Children are a blessing and we all know that because we want a child so badly. And they probably were sad by the diagnosis and are thrilled the doctor was proved wrong. That's great!

Of course if you never use protection/bcp your entire life you have a chance to become pregnant no matter how small a chance. It also depends on diagnosis. And what angers me more is that these doctors tell them they can never get pregnant and to not worry about getting pregnant. And that they are dumb enough to believe it.

I do know there are cases that a woman is truly infertile or could never have a child. My heart goes out to everyone who wants a child and is struggling or can't have one.

When I hear a similar story at work. I'm the happiest photographer ever to photograph such a miracle baby. I understand how hard they tried.

I'm just sick of hearing and being compared to these people by family and friends. My situation is the same but isn't. We prevented for 9 years. Our entire sex life up until our wedding. We tried actively 1year and not prevented for 1 year before testing. Also both H and I have problems. I wasn't told I could never have a kid and our diagnosis is not pcos. I have told how I feel about these stories. The looks I get are sadness and confusion because it's supposed to bring me hope.

I still have hope. I'm just frustrated and sad. H has so much hope he may be a bit delusional. What keeps him going is that every time we have sex it could be the moment we become pregnant. I love that he believes so strongly that we will have a baby and it could happen this month or two years from now.

I'm really sorry about how long this became. It's been bothering me for awhile now.

ETA: I guess I'm just having a hard time being compared. I'm also still trying to cope with finding out that we may not have a child because of difficulties after believing for 29 years I could easily have a child.

LindseyM2012

rainbowbridge14 said:

eskimozie said:

That might me the case with some people. But from what I've read here I also think that perhaps we here are the caretakers in life. If you've been dealing with this long enough to end up on this board then you've decided that having a child is worth pursuing, it's a battle worth fighting, and you aren't giving up. I think the people in our lives are used to us being the strong ones and always there for them. They don't even realize we may need a shoulder now and then too. I know that there is no one in my life that I can be weak with.

I read this and it was dead on. I actually have talked about this with my therapist before. It is a whole other kind of pressure when those around you expect you to always be together and be strong when you feel like you are barely making it day by day during bad IF days/weeks/months. 

All of this, exactly!  I don't know if people really don't understand infertility as much as they are used to many of us always being the "rock".  I struggle with this every day now.  And it is made worse because I am actually in grad school to become that therapist.  People take our caring natures for granted and don't take the time to think that we may need to be selfish at times too. 

 

Also, pregnancy prevention is so ingrained in everybody now (female and male) that I think it might be hard for people to recognize that is can be just as hard for some people to actually get pregnant.  People without fertility issues theoretically know fertility issues exist, but they don't grasp the true emotional and physical toll it takes.

eskimozie

Doesn't it suck! We spend all of our time and energy doing the "right" things and now have to deal with this, while people who are irresponsible have things just fall into their lap! I want to get drunk and blow my rent money on a new tattoo and never worry about the consequences **pout!**

Oh well... back to work...

LindseyM2012

eskimozie said:

Doesn't it suck! We spend all of our time and energy doing the "right" things and now have to deal with this, while people who are irresponsible have things just fall into their lap! I want to get drunk and blow my rent money on a new tattoo and never worry about the consequences **pout!**

Oh well... back to work...

Yes please!

LaurenNK

LindseyM2012

I can't empathize regarding your friend, but I totally feel the husband thing.

We are just over two years in to TTC (we only JUST finished our first assisted cycle), and it wasn't until about 3 months ago that we really had our difference in expression come to a head.

Some cycles I'm okay-ish, some I just need to cry for 3 days and get it out of my system.

During a crying fit I asked my husband if he even wants kids anymore or should I just go buy a crapton of condoms?  He was flabbergasted.

He just didn't understand that for some reason I needed to *see* that he is hurt by all of this, too, or at least be *told* how upsetting it is for him.

They just want to fix everything by being the strong, stoic one, never realizing that by showing their emotion once in a while will actually give us strength in knowing we don't have to carry all of the sadness and disappointment ourselves.

I highly recommend flat-out telling him exactly how you would like his feelings about what you two are going through expressed.  I immediately felt SO much closer to DH, less alone, and more like I had a partner, even though I'm the one that undergoes most of the prodding.  

LindseyM2012

LaurenNK said:

They just want to fix everything by being the strong, stoic one, never realizing that by showing their emotion once in a while will actually give us strength in knowing we don't have to carry all of the sadness and disappointment ourselves.

 

YES!  I think it is great that he wants to make me laugh and try to fix things.  But sometimes us ladies don't want that right away.  From what I've heard from lurking on this board is that most of us want to be mad and sad for a bit before our spouses/partners swoop in for the save. 

 

I think I effectively scared him with my hysterics the other day so he might be treading lightly so as to not trigger that again.  I'm a complete head-case  lol

 

However, I did explicitly tell him that when he just let me cry and walked me away from cooking dinner the other night, it was exactly what I needed.

Waterlily234

I'm sorry about the disappointment of telling your bestie.  People just don't get it.  And what's even more odd, I noticed, is that when you mention you have been trying and not successful, some folks even seem to relish telling you it only took them 'once' or whatever. I mean what is the psychology behind that?? If I told someone I had cancer or something, would it be in any way appropriate to say, 'OMG! Wow! Cuz I totally do NOT have cancer, so..."  ??? 8-|

LindseyM2012

@Waterlily234, RIGHT!!??!!  I think because people don't necessarily see it is a "health condition", even though there can be underlying health conditions causing IF.  It is a mere inconvenience (or convenience) to people.