ELECTIVE IVF?!! Should I consider it?

Dcstern13 · July 2014

Hello,

I'm expecting a little girl in September-- and am beyond excited. My husband is as well-- however, he would like me to consider ELECTIVE IVF -- to guarentee a boy for our second child. Which we'd like to have as close together as possible; which is why we're talking about it now. I'm torn. I would love to have a boy for our second-- but I would also love to have another little girl. It's very important to him since he's the last man in the family to carry the name. I'd like to leave it up to nature--- but is that being too selfish?

portentosa · July 2014

I am very hesitant to get into this as I have not had to deal with IF of any sort, but there are many women on this board that have and the idea of voluntarily subjecting yourself to IVF just so you are guaranteed one sex over the other seems offensive to me.

I get really hoping for one sex over the other for many different personal reasons, but elective IVF seems very extreme. Have you even looked into the cost at all? ...financially, physically, emotionally. I really want someone who has had to go through IVF to come in here and set you straight.

Sunnyalj · July 2014

Ok, I'll tell you what it entails...
Stimulation phase includes lots of injections that make you feel like complete and utter crap. You will gain weight, you will rage, you will be at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation. Lucky me I ended up with that plus a pleural effusion. Out of work for 2 weeks and in crippling pain. Then they go in with a needle and take the eggs out.
Then you prep your body for the embryo transfer which includes more injections and hormones. Finally they transfer it and 10 days later you can find out if it worked. All this with the $20,000+ price tag.
Absolutely ridiculous to do this if you don't have to.

bumpuser10199668 · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

Hello, I'm expecting a little girl in September-- and am beyond excited. My husband is as well-- however, he would like me to consider ELECTIVE IVF -- to guarentee a boy for our second child. Which we'd like to have as close together as possible; which is why we're talking about it now. I'm torn. I would love to have a boy for our second-- but I would also love to have another little girl. It's very important to him since he's the last man in the family to carry the name. I'd like to leave it up to nature--- but is that being too selfish?

Babies are not accessories. You want to pick and choose a boy or a girl, go to the pet store.

Dcstern13 · July 2014

I agree with you. But I'm trying to consider my partners feelings about carrying on his name.

Dcstern13 · July 2014

Thank you!! I don't know if it's just my hormones or what-- but I feel more validated in my "leave it up to nature" stance. I see no point in spending thousands of dollars for an invasive procedure -- when nature has allowed us--- the privilege of getting pregnant--- and quite easily. So many people struggle to have ANY children-- the idea of elective IVF makes me really uncomfortable-- but I also don't want to discredit his feelings either....

NClady89 · July 2014

This is a pretty controversial topic. I agree with Carm. Science is great and all but I don't believe sex is something parents should get to choose. One day the boy you chose to create may choose not to be a boy is your husband going to be ok then? I think this is a pretty slippery slope.

punnybunny · July 2014

I'm beginning to have issues with guys that find it so important to pass on their names (personal story about DH wanting a boy because he's "the fourth" and he wants to have a "fifth"). Girls may never get married, may choose to hyphenate or simply keep their maiden name, etc. I think this name thing is a bit of a silly reason to pay money to ensure a specific sex. Let nature take it's course. If he wants a boy so bad, tell him to give his boy-making sperm a pep talk. (Personal opinion, feel free to flame away.)

Dcstern13 · July 2014

I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

conradraging · July 2014

OP do you even know for sure you are only having 2 kids? Considering you said you got pregnant pretty easily, you could have plenty of opportunity to create a boy on your own. Also, do you know the cost of elective IVF? Because it seems extreme in more than one way...

AnyMax · July 2014

Why the fuck would you put yourself through the meds IVF requires if you do not have an IF diagnosis? Do you know anything at all about IVF? Do doctors even do elective IVF with PGD?

$20,000+ and injecting your body with unnecessary hormone medications just to carry on a name? Disgusting is an understatement.

bumpuser10199668 · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

He's treating your children like going to a car lot and picking out a car. I'm not sure what more information you need.

There's not a single thing in life that is guaranteed, not even this. Even if you DO go through with this, your child isn't guaranteed to be healthy. Or happy. Or he may not even identify as a 'he'.

When a couple goes through the process of trying to have a child, there is a LIFETIME of really really difficult decisions to consider other than what sex the baby is.

I just can't wrap my head around the type of man who would have the audacity to make this request of his wife.

MrsLaLaBug · July 2014

Dcstern13 · July 2014

Thank you!!

jmolr · July 2014

no I personally would not want to go through IVF if I didn't have to. I'm pregnant with my 2nd boy and of course I'd love to have a girl but after 3 miscarriages I'm just grateful for being able to carry a healthy baby to term.

Everyusernameistaken · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:
I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

If your husband is being selfish enough to pressure you into doing this with your body when you clearly are not into it, I very much doubt he would do this for you if the roles were reversed.

AnyMax · July 2014

Sunnyalj said:
Ok, I'll tell you what it entails...
Stimulation phase includes lots of injections that make you feel like complete and utter crap. You will gain weight, you will rage, you will be at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation. Lucky me I ended up with that plus a pleural effusion. Out of work for 2 weeks and in crippling pain. Then they go in with a needle and take the eggs out.
Then you prep your body for the embryo transfer which includes more injections and hormones. Finally they transfer it and 10 days later you can find out if it worked. All this with the $20,000+ price tag.
Absolutely ridiculous to do this if you don't have to.

Sunny, I am so sorry for the difficult road you have had to walk. You are one hell of a strong woman.

I hope you do not mind me adding on the fact that there is also no guarantee that any of the embryos will actually be suitable for transfer.

kaleb87 · July 2014

I am sorry but this topic and post is beyond insensitive. I myself have been through infertility and multiple losses, and I literally am blown away. I think it is so sad that this is even an option. Do you know how many people would be beyond thrilled just to have a healthy child? To be honest with you I am crying as I am typing this. There are so many mean things I want to say but I don't want S14 mom's to be called bullies.
Okay to start with congratulations for being able to get pregnant so easy. Now if you start taking fertility drugs then there is that chance you could do damage and not be able to get pregnant so easy if you want more. There is called a term called overstimulation, so look that up.
Next I am pro choice for women so I am not even going to open that can of worms, but what if the eggs harvested and fertilized come back to be females, can you handle just doing away with them?
Finally when you go to the fertility clinic and are in the waiting room please at least have the decency to not be talking about what you are there for. It may have taken shy of five years, and two Angel babies later but I am beyond blessed to be able to say I have an amazingly perfect ddaughter, and another baby on the way. (Team green because the sex of my unborn baby is something that I don't have the slightest care about, because I will love, cherich, and care for my baby regardless.) Where a lot of the women that you will be in the waiting room will have months, possibly years of painfully both physically and emotionally treatments to try and have a baby, regardless of the gender.

trebekastan · July 2014

kaleb87 said:
I am sorry but this topic and post is beyond insensitive. I myself have been through infertility and multiple losses, and I literally am blown away. I think it is so sad that this is even an option. Do you know how many people would be beyond thrilled just to have a healthy child? To be honest with you I am crying as I am typing this. There are so many mean things I want to say but I don't want S14 mom's to be called bullies.
Okay to start with congratulations for being able to get pregnant so easy. Now if you start taking fertility drugs then there is that chance you could do damage and not be able to get pregnant so easy if you want more. There is called a term called overstimulation, so look that up.
Next I am pro choice for women so I am not even going to open that can of worms, but what if the eggs harvested and fertilized come back to be females, can you handle just doing away with them?
Finally when you go to the fertility clinic and are in the waiting room please at least have the decency to not be talking about what you are there for. It may have taken shy of five years, and two Angel babies later but I am beyond blessed to be able to say I have an amazingly perfect ddaughter, and another baby on the way. (Team green because the sex of my unborn baby is something that I don't have the slightest care about, because I will love, cherich, and care for my baby regardless.) Where a lot of the women that you will be in the waiting room will have months, possibly years of painfully both physically and emotionally treatments to try and have a baby, regardless of the gender.

I haven't had to deal with this, but these are my exact thoughts in the whole issue. I'm going to assume that since your DH is the kind of macho man that is into this thing that he's also into telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies (oh wait). Do you both not realize that you will have to create a number of embryos to get a boy and destroy the rest? Is he really okay with that, because most men with your husbands viewpoint aren't.

conradraging · July 2014

trebekastan said:

I am sorry but this topic and post is beyond insensitive. I myself have been through infertility and multiple losses, and I literally am blown away. I think it is so sad that this is even an option. Do you know how many people would be beyond thrilled just to have a healthy child? To be honest with you I am crying as I am typing this. There are so many mean things I want to say but I don't want S14 mom's to be called bullies. Okay to start with congratulations for being able to get pregnant so easy. Now if you start taking fertility drugs then there is that chance you could do damage and not be able to get pregnant so easy if you want more. There is called a term called overstimulation, so look that up. Next I am pro choice for women so I am not even going to open that can of worms, but what if the eggs harvested and fertilized come back to be females, can you handle just doing away with them? Finally when you go to the fertility clinic and are in the waiting room please at least have the decency to not be talking about what you are there for. It may have taken shy of five years, and two Angel babies later but I am beyond blessed to be able to say I have an amazingly perfect ddaughter, and another baby on the way. (Team green because the sex of my unborn baby is something that I don't have the slightest care about, because I will love, cherich, and care for my baby regardless.) Where a lot of the women that you will be in the waiting room will have months, possibly years of painfully both physically and emotionally treatments to try and have a baby, regardless of the gender.
I haven't had to deal with this, but these are my exact thoughts in the whole issue. I'm going to assume that since your DH is the kind of macho man that is into this thing that he's also into telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies (oh wait). Do you both not realize that you will have to create a number of embryos to get a boy and destroy the rest? Is he really okay with that, because most men with your husbands viewpoint aren't.

OOH maybe he thinks that women are the weaker sex and it's worth destroying them in order to create MAAAAN.

brittneyandadam · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

If you want as much information as possible, I encourage you to go lurk over at 3T and IF. However, please do not post this over there as you would end up really hurting those awesome ladies. We did 5 IUI's and were about to attempt our last before IVF. I can tell you that it was emotionally draining and I've never experienced so much heartbreak in my life. @Sunnyalj gave you a pretty good run down about what you will go through...and if you ask me, your husband is being selfish. He gets to go jerk off in a cup while you are poked and prodded and put through the ringer. You will feel violated. You will feel embarrassed. He gets 20 minutes in a room on a comfy couch with porn. You get to take off your pants, hang your butt over the edge of a table, and put your feet in stirrups while 20 different people put their face in your business. How's the picture I'm painting?

Not to mention, I don't know of any IVF clinic worth their salt who would even touch your case. The clinics around here will only take you if you've been trying for a year without success or already have a dx that would be a case of infertility.

If I seem harsh or snarky or mean, then good. I don't apologize for my emotional IF brain. Go ahead...go to IF and 3T...read the stories about how hopeful someone was after their procedure, only to get slapped in the face by mother nature. Read about how they feel inadequate that they can't have a baby on their own...or how they really hope this cycle works because they're in debt up to their eyeballs and can't afford another procedure. Or how about how they feel they're a horrible person because they've been trying so hard and long to have a baby and their friend got pregnant on the first try and they're having a hard time feeling anything but jealously and anger.

IVF is not something to take lightly and I think YH needs to do some of his own legwork and read up on the actual procedure...and what you would be going through medically.

Edit: typed too fast

Dcstern13 · July 2014

I am sorry that this discussion has upset you so much-- I truly apologize.

As I have said -- we are blessed with the ease of getting pregnant. I do not however, feel bad-- for THINKING about my partners request.

As I've also stated I'd be ecstatic with any child I have-- boy, or girl-- and they would not be loved any less for whatever they grow to be or identify with. I put no stock in names,... as an adopted child myself to wonderful parents who weren't able to have their own-- my name has been changed quite a few times.

In this day and age-- technology and scientific advancements and knowledge have become a part of life--- and for so many people a blessing. I do not fault my husband for asking me to consider something-- no matter the request!! In our relationship-- we can discuss anything--- openly. I wouldn't give that up for anything-- nor do I fault him for speaking up about his desires, however controversial they may seem. He can come to me with anything. Now that I have more information--- I can give him more than just a simple refusal.

portentosa · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:
I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

I assume you're talking to me as I used the phrase "set straight"... please use the quote button when responding to people so we know who you're talking to...especially with you marking some responses as answers messing up the original post order, I can't figure this shit out.

I think @AnyMax‌, @Sunnyalj‌, and @kaleb87‌ covered what I meant by "setting you straight". I didn't even think of the damage you could do to your reproductive system by taking meds YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE!!

ETA @brittneyandadam‌ as another good source of info in this thread setting you straight, because girl you need it.

((Hugs)) to all the ladies who have had difficult roads.

brittneyandadam · July 2014

trebekastan said:

I am sorry but this topic and post is beyond insensitive. I myself have been through infertility and multiple losses, and I literally am blown away. I think it is so sad that this is even an option. Do you know how many people would be beyond thrilled just to have a healthy child? To be honest with you I am crying as I am typing this. There are so many mean things I want to say but I don't want S14 mom's to be called bullies. Okay to start with congratulations for being able to get pregnant so easy. Now if you start taking fertility drugs then there is that chance you could do damage and not be able to get pregnant so easy if you want more. There is called a term called overstimulation, so look that up. Next I am pro choice for women so I am not even going to open that can of worms, but what if the eggs harvested and fertilized come back to be females, can you handle just doing away with them? Finally when you go to the fertility clinic and are in the waiting room please at least have the decency to not be talking about what you are there for. It may have taken shy of five years, and two Angel babies later but I am beyond blessed to be able to say I have an amazingly perfect ddaughter, and another baby on the way. (Team green because the sex of my unborn baby is something that I don't have the slightest care about, because I will love, cherich, and care for my baby regardless.) Where a lot of the women that you will be in the waiting room will have months, possibly years of painfully both physically and emotionally treatments to try and have a baby, regardless of the gender.
I haven't had to deal with this, but these are my exact thoughts in the whole issue. I'm going to assume that since your DH is the kind of macho man that is into this thing that he's also into telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies (oh wait). Do you both not realize that you will have to create a number of embryos to get a boy and destroy the rest? Is he really okay with that, because most men with your husbands viewpoint aren't.

This is totally besides the point, but there is an option for them to donate the embryos. There was a gal over on 3T who did embryo adoption and is now expecting her 1st beautiful rainbow baby.

MrsLaLaBug · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I am sorry that this discussion has upset you so much-- I truly apologize. As I have said -- we are blessed with the ease of getting pregnant. I do not however, feel bad-- for THINKING about my partners request. As I've also stated I'd be ecstatic with any child I have-- boy, or girl-- and they would not be loved any less for whatever they grow to be or identify with. I put no stock in names,... as an adopted child myself to wonderful parents who weren't able to have their own-- my name has been changed quite a few times. In this day and age-- technology and scientific advancements and knowledge have become a part of life--- and for so many people a blessing. I do not fault my husband for asking me to consider something-- no matter the request!! In our relationship-- we can discuss anything--- openly. I wouldn't give that up for anything-- nor do I fault him for speaking up about his desires, however controversial they may seem. He can come to me with anything. Now that I have more information--- I can give him more than just a simple refusal.

JFC. QFP.

brittneyandadam · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I am sorry that this discussion has upset you so much-- I truly apologize. As I have said -- we are blessed with the ease of getting pregnant. I do not however, feel bad-- for THINKING about my partners request. As I've also stated I'd be ecstatic with any child I have-- boy, or girl-- and they would not be loved any less for whatever they grow to be or identify with. I put no stock in names,... as an adopted child myself to wonderful parents who weren't able to have their own-- my name has been changed quite a few times. In this day and age-- technology and scientific advancements and knowledge have become a part of life--- and for so many people a blessing. I do not fault my husband for asking me to consider something-- no matter the request!! In our relationship-- we can discuss anything--- openly. I wouldn't give that up for anything-- nor do I fault him for speaking up about his desires, however controversial they may seem. He can come to me with anything. Now that I have more information--- I can give him more than just a simple refusal.

"I'm sorry but I'm right and here are the self-serving reasons why"

Just no.

CplusJ=S · July 2014

Taco Tuesday anyone?

Dcstern13 · July 2014

tromboner said:

Dcstern13 said:
I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.
I assume you're talking to me as I used the phrase "set straight"... please use the quote button when responding to people so we know who you're talking to...especially with you marking some responses as answers messing up the original post order, I can't figure this shit out.

I think @AnyMax‌, @Sunnyalj‌, and @kaleb87‌ covered what I meant by "setting you straight". I didn't even think of the damage you could do to your reproductive system by taking meds YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE!!

Thank you--I'm new to the format. Wasn't sure why it was getting all out of order -- wanted to just respond to people. I asked because I want to know--- and everyone's opinions are valid. I wouldn't have asked otherwise. While I do agree with the majority of you-- I still do not fault him for bringing it up-- as it's clearly something that's important to him. I intend to stick to my leave it to nature stance. Ive hated the idea from the start-- but wanted to be sure I wasn't just basing that opinion
on emotions.

And for the few that mentioned it-- there are in fact a few clinics that would be willing to do it-- they have their own eligibility requirements. I am not, however, interested.

But now I can talk to him about more than just "I feel like it's wrong to take someone else chair--- that needs to take the risks associated--- to have the hopes of getting pregnant."

JenniferAnn1972 · July 2014

AnyMax said:

Sunnyalj said:
Ok, I'll tell you what it entails...
Stimulation phase includes lots of injections that make you feel like complete and utter crap. You will gain weight, you will rage, you will be at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation. Lucky me I ended up with that plus a pleural effusion. Out of work for 2 weeks and in crippling pain. Then they go in with a needle and take the eggs out.
Then you prep your body for the embryo transfer which includes more injections and hormones. Finally they transfer it and 10 days later you can find out if it worked. All this with the $20,000+ price tag.
Absolutely ridiculous to do this if you don't have to.
Sunny, I am so sorry for the difficult road you have had to walk. You are one hell of a strong woman.

I hope you do not mind me adding on the fact that there is also no guarantee that any of the embryos will actually be suitable for transfer.

I normally avoid threads like this like the plague, but as someone who experienced two failed IVF attempts (embryos did not survive long enough for transfer) and then had a MMC after the 3rd "successful" attempt, I can't stay quiet. The idea of creating embryos only to select them out based on sex makes me sad. I'm assuming use of PGD would determine sex selection but maybe there are other methods I don't know about? Bottom line is if that's the route, you have no guarantee what you'll create & what would you do with the embryos that don't meet your criteria? i.e the female ones?

trebekastan · July 2014

brittneyandadam said:

trebekastan said:

kaleb87 said:
I am sorry but this topic and post is beyond insensitive. I myself have been through infertility and multiple losses, and I literally am blown away. I think it is so sad that this is even an option. Do you know how many people would be beyond thrilled just to have a healthy child? To be honest with you I am crying as I am typing this. There are so many mean things I want to say but I don't want S14 mom's to be called bullies.
Okay to start with congratulations for being able to get pregnant so easy. Now if you start taking fertility drugs then there is that chance you could do damage and not be able to get pregnant so easy if you want more. There is called a term called overstimulation, so look that up.
Next I am pro choice for women so I am not even going to open that can of worms, but what if the eggs harvested and fertilized come back to be females, can you handle just doing away with them?
Finally when you go to the fertility clinic and are in the waiting room please at least have the decency to not be talking about what you are there for. It may have taken shy of five years, and two Angel babies later but I am beyond blessed to be able to say I have an amazingly perfect ddaughter, and another baby on the way. (Team green because the sex of my unborn baby is something that I don't have the slightest care about, because I will love, cherich, and care for my baby regardless.) Where a lot of the women that you will be in the waiting room will have months, possibly years of painfully both physically and emotionally treatments to try and have a baby, regardless of the gender.
I haven't had to deal with this, but these are my exact thoughts in the whole issue. I'm going to assume that since your DH is the kind of macho man that is into this thing that he's also into telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies (oh wait). Do you both not realize that you will have to create a number of embryos to get a boy and destroy the rest? Is he really okay with that, because most men with your husbands viewpoint aren't.

This is totally besides the point, but there is an option for them to donate the embryos. There was a gal over on 3T who did embryo adoption and is now expecting her 1st beautiful rainbow baby.

I did not know that. I love the idea of helping someone else out. I did egg donation about 2 years ago so somewhere out there I have a little girl. (I bet she's adorable)

brittneyandadam · July 2014

@trebekastan That's awesome! I'm so jealous...I wanted to do that but turns out, you have to have good eggs, lol. And yeah...I can't remember how many embryos they put in for her FET, but they were frozen for like 10 years!

portentosa · July 2014

OP, just a basic amount of research into the topic could have given you more than just your feelings to give to answer your H with.

You got a very strong "Fuck no!" to your question of should you consider elective IVF... so I think a real heartfelt apology (meaning no defending why you asked it in the first place) is in order. And if you want to continue to learn about the process you've gotten a lot of good info to work off of in this thread.

I don't want to hear from any WKs that we weren't helpful in our responses, because damn...some of you ladies have been through hell to get your beautiful babies. You are all amazing women.

trebekastan · July 2014

brittneyandadam said:
@trebekastan That's awesome! I'm so jealous...I wanted to do that but turns out, you have to have good eggs, lol. And yeah...I can't remember how many embryos they put in for her FET, but they were frozen for like 10 years!

Wow. 10 years! Crazy what science can do. I guess just to add to this, the couple offered me 10,000 to donate again and I just couldn't do it. That's how bad overstimulation hurt. To the point of passing out from the pain when I got home from the retrieval. That process is not for the faint of heart.

bumpuser10199668 · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.
I assume you're talking to me as I used the phrase "set straight"... please use the quote button when responding to people so we know who you're talking to...especially with you marking some responses as answers messing up the original post order, I can't figure this shit out. I think @AnyMax‌, @Sunnyalj‌, and @kaleb87‌ covered what I meant by "setting you straight". I didn't even think of the damage you could do to your reproductive system by taking meds YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE!!
Thank you--I'm new to the format. Wasn't sure why it was getting all out of order -- wanted to just respond to people. I asked because I want to know--- and everyone's opinions are valid. I wouldn't have asked otherwise. While I do agree with the majority of you-- I still do not fault him for bringing it up-- as it's clearly something that's important to him. I intend to stick to my leave it to nature stance. Ive hated the idea from the start-- but wanted to be sure I wasn't just basing that opinion on emotions. And for the few that mentioned it-- there are in fact a few clinics that would be willing to do it-- they have their own eligibility requirements. I am not, however, interested. But now I can talk to him about more than just "I feel like it's wrong to take someone else chair--- that needs to take the risks associated--- to have the hopes of getting pregnant."

This is totally off topic, but is anyone else having difficulty reading with all of the DASHES?!

I keep having to pause for dramatic effect, and it is taking me for flippin' ever.

MMason12 · July 2014

Dcstern13 said:

I don't need to be "set straight." I need someone to come in here and be honest--- tell me everything that the process entails --- beyond what comes in the pamphlets --- because in hub's eyes it's all worth it to him. I do not agree. But I know I'd feel better refusing his request "to consider" it if I have as much information to bring to the discussion as possible.... Beyond just my emotional and gut feelings regarding the issues. If our positions on the topic were reversed-- I know he'd do the same for me.

I'm sure it's easy to be "worth it to him" when it isn't his body who is going to going through the majority of the "stuff" that you have to go through for this.

I would have listened to his request and then told him to go fly a kite. If he wants a second child than he will get what he gets. Period.

Sunnyalj · July 2014

AnyMax said:

Sunnyalj said:
Ok, I'll tell you what it entails...
Stimulation phase includes lots of injections that make you feel like complete and utter crap. You will gain weight, you will rage, you will be at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation. Lucky me I ended up with that plus a pleural effusion. Out of work for 2 weeks and in crippling pain. Then they go in with a needle and take the eggs out.
Then you prep your body for the embryo transfer which includes more injections and hormones. Finally they transfer it and 10 days later you can find out if it worked. All this with the $20,000+ price tag.
Absolutely ridiculous to do this if you don't have to.
Sunny, I am so sorry for the difficult road you have had to walk. You are one hell of a strong woman.

I hope you do not mind me adding on the fact that there is also no guarantee that any of the embryos will actually be suitable for transfer.

So true! I was really lucky that most of mine were viable and we had plenty to freeze!

formerwigirl · July 2014

@brittanyandadam had it covered but I wanted to chime in because I also dealt with IF. I was lucky and got my BFP from my 3rd IUI but had my IVF consult scheduled. You really need to show your DH this thread. Going through IVF isn't something I'd wish on anyone. I can honestly say that infertility was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and the sting of that never goes away (even after you become pregnant). If you lurk on the 3T, Infertility, Infertility Veterans, or PAIF boards you can see how many women struggled and why you should not take this lightly. It breaks my heart to see someone who has gone through multiple IVF attempts and still hasn't had a take home baby. Your DH is being soo selfish and he needs to realize that IVF is not there so people can select if they want a boy or a girl. I seriously would hope that if you actually considered this, that the RE would turn you down. Tell him to count his blessings that you got pregnant easily and be grateful you haven't had to have the journey some of us have.

wrightpalomo · July 2014

I'm going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume he didn't really think this whole process through before talking to you about it.

Like previous posters have said, this is a problematic request because of a) the physical and emotional gauntlet you will have to endure, b) how will you even find a doctor who will do this?, c) the decisions around what to do with any female embryos you create are far more gut-wrenching than a lot of people consider and d) this treatment can permanently impact your body.

A further issue I have with this is what does it tell your daughter about her value in the family? Having a boy is so important to her parents that they would go through all of that physical pain, emotional turmoil, financial expense, moral dilemma, etc. even though they already have her? I'm not saying that you don't value your daughter. I am saying that taking a dramatic course of action like this says a lot about what one values. You should talk to your husband about all of these issues and determine a course of action that truly reflects your values. It sounds like you are already opposed to this. You need to stick to your values and do what you are comfortable with.

MrsLaLaBug · July 2014

I think this thread needs to be fucking removed. REALTALK.

trebekastan · July 2014

1983lindsey said:

I went through 6 cycles of fertility meds, iui's, a CP and much heartbreak and disappointment before I got this miracle I am carrying now. If my last super aggressive IUI cycle with injections didn't work we would have moved on to IVF. It was a heartbreaking journey that had a happy ending. That being said, family balancing wouldn't necessarily be the choice I would make, but if you and your husband both really want to do that then I say do what you want. Many clinics by me in Seattle do family balancing. It won't be fun and it will be expensive, but it's your choice.

Family balancing is just another way of saying, "our family isn't complete without X". Like Carm said, kids aren't accessories. You balance an outfit with a necklace or scarf. You don't balance a family with a boy. Fucking stupid.

trebekastan · July 2014

Monicavickery said:

If your husband is super set on a boy, you could always adopt. There are too many babies that would be happy to carry on your family name. I don't know the exact prices, and I'm sure they vary by state, dr, etc, but it must be comparable.

Oh please, do you honestly think this type of man would raise a kid he didn't ejaculate out? No way in hell.

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