"its the hardest thing you'll ever do"

runningmama14 · June 2014

I challenge those who think parenting won't be hard to find me one parent who is ACTIVELY involved in raising their children to tell you it isn't hard . All the planning and parenting styles in the world do not make parenting easy. Whoever thinks that is in for a really rude awakening in about 5-6 months.

Saying it will be the hardest thing you will ever do does not mean people are trying to tell you that it is this "huge, scary, fearful thing". Although, I would argue that it can be all of those things too. It's just the truth. It's the hardest and best thing ever. I don't get why this offends someone? It really makes me wish I could see into your mental picture of what parenthood will be like so I can laugh my ass off over it.

Maelara · June 2014

runningmama14 said:
I challenge those who think parenting won't be hard to find me one parent who is ACTIVELY involved in raising their children to tell you it isn't hard . All the planning and parenting styles in the world do not make parenting easy. Whoever thinks that is in for a really rude awakening in about 5-6 months.

Saying it will be the hardest thing you will ever do does not mean people are trying to tell you that it is this "huge, scary, fearful thing". Although, I would argue that it can be all of those things too. It's just the truth. It's the hardest and best thing ever. I don't get why this offends someone? It really makes me wish I could see into your mental picture of what parenthood will be like so I can laugh my ass off over it.

I love this so hard! I wish I could love tit it a million times!

mamatohne · June 2014

Also you can read and study all you want. When that baby comes you will spend the first (at least) 3 months doing what you have to do to survive! I'm totally laughing at the ftm on here arguing with whether or not it's hard to be a parent.

Maelara · June 2014

tarynleann said:
Also you can read and study all you want. When that baby comes you will spend the first (at least) 3 months doing what you have to do to survive! I'm totally laughing at the ftm on here arguing with whether or not it's hard to be a parent.

Totally! I'm also laughing pretty hard at the select few FTMs on here who think they know better than STMs+. Oh ladies!

runningmama14 · June 2014

WildFlower810 said:

The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12.

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now.

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

@wildflower810 - I'm just curious. Is this parenting gig just a huge gamble for you then? Hope you get dealt the "easy kid" card and if not, then you fold?

What level of difficulty is tolerable to you as a parent? Is a 6 year old that isn't potty trained yet due to medical issues too hard? Is a child with autism too hard? What about a terminal cancer diagnosis in your 10 year old? Your 15 year old being pregnant? A child with ODD or RAD? A child with a severe learning disability? What about a child that is permanently disabled due to something like a terrible car accident? Are all of these children candidates for adoption in your world of parenting?

Seriously, parenting is fucking hard and your remark about adoption is just beyond shitty. I hope it was just flippant, but even so, what a truly awful thing to say.

lisaren · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

WildFlower810 said:

The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12.

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now.

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

@wildflower810 - I'm just curious. Is this parenting gig just a huge gamble for you then? Hope you get dealt the "easy kid" card and if not, then you fold?

What level of difficulty is tolerable to you as a parent? Is a 6 year old that isn't potty trained yet due to medical issues too hard? Is a child with autism too hard? What about a terminal cancer diagnosis in your 10 year old? Your 15 year old being pregnant? A child with ODD or RAD? A child with a severe learning disability? What about a child that is permanently disabled due to something like a terrible car accident? Are all of these children candidates for adoption in your world of parenting?

Seriously, parenting is fucking hard and your remark about adoption is just beyond shitty. I hope it was just flippant, but even so, what a truly awful thing to say.

-------------

Your words sing to my heart.

sAAmFam · June 2014

I have 2 kids with autism. 1 that just acts like she can't do anything cuz of learned helplessness thanks to mommy. To paint a better picture my husbands son couldn't even take a freaking shower by himself at 9 yrs old. It took me 6 months for him to complete the whole task himself. It's only as hard as YOU make it.

runningmama14 · June 2014

I think an important thing to remind ourselves (me absolutely included) is that others on this board can only use the info that you have given them when they respond.

I stand by my response in the sense that I was responding to what was written. I would not write the same thing as a response to a post that said all of the things you have just posted.

I don't think that most people share the "hardest thing" remark with the goal of being malicious. I think for most people, that's the plain truth. It's their truth and they are sharing it, sometimes in a condescending manner, for sure, but some people are just condescending assholes, even when being honest and "trying to help."

Nfranco973 · June 2014

It's hard because it's a life long commitment. Think like Marriage without a Divorce option. You will be responsible for their every need & sometimes wants. I also think that no one truly understands until they are parents. It takes patience. ALOT of it!
I love being a Mom and wouldn't change it for the world. I have grown with my kids spiritually , Mentally and emotionally.

Nfranco973 · June 2014

bethas said:

Dumbgurl04 said:

Also I believe people's parenting styles could always be what makes being a parent hard.

I'm gonna respectfully disagree here. I usually bite my tongue, but this made me angry. Parenting is hard because it's hard. Regardless of your parenting style. There are things that you just can't be prepared for, like that little person will have a personality of their own and regardless of what parenting style you use, it just may not fit well with yours. EX? Me, my DH and oldest DS are all introverts. Imagine our surprise when younger DS was born an extreme extrovert. He needs activity and interaction with others. He craves to be stimulated, whether physically or intellectually. Parenting style has zero to do with this, it's just who he is, but it certainly makes it tiring for us. I love him dearly. He is intelligent, inquisitive, and such a people-person. But parenting him is hard because I have a borderline phobia of social situations, and because it take so much energy.

And then... you get to the teenage years. And they become clinically depressed. And angry. And get in trouble. And no matter what parenting style you use, nothing will help that there is something in the brain that is chemically imbalanced. Or they have a learning disorder that the schools refuse to admit until he's in 7th grade and you've changed districts, so he grows up hating reading and school. THAT is hard. I've lived it.

What makes parenting hard is NOT parenting style. What makes it hard is that you constantly do the best for your child... put so much energy into growing them, loving them, teaching them, and you can only *HOPE* that you have done the right thing. There are so many factors that can undo what you have tried to do, that interfere with it
along the way, and threaten to tear them down once they leave home. And *that* doesn't have a thing to do with parenting style.

//endrant.

I have to say I love this ^^^^^ typed the words right out my mouth. Well said.

Nfranco973 · June 2014

WildFlower810 said:
The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12.

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now.

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

Well sweetie, idk what to tell you because you couldn't imagine that pain to the billion power if god forbid your child was the one in the freak accident or your child even ended up hurt someway. It becomes your pain. You feel it, breathe it and live it.

So yea it's hard.

mamatohne · June 2014

I think that people are comparing apples to oranges too. It's hard but you can't compare it to loosing someone you love or being abused. those things have grief and sadness attached. Although it's hard it's a good kind of hard. Like working hard to accomplish something with a great result at the end. Again it's something you won't understand until that little one is here.

missiongirl78 · June 2014

I've only been a parent for just over 13 months now, but I can definitely say it is the hardest and yet the most awesome thing I have ever done. Becoming a mom is amazing, but it's also 24/7 - for the rest of our lives. This is great but it can be exhausting and overwhelming at times. But it is the coolest thing in the world to have this little human look to you for everything. That can be scary and also so very rewarding. There's a verse in the Bible in the book of Psalms that says that children are an inheritance from the Lord. I think this is such an amazing way to see children. Being a parent is an incredible gift, but also a huge responsibility.

A friend of mine uses this analogy to describe what it's like having a child and I think it fits very well: "It's like having your heart walk around outside of your body."

Maelara · June 2014

@RunningMama‌ I love how you just get things :x

When I say being a parent it hard, it's because everyone I know either doesn't talk about it or they all make parenting out to be 'magical'. I have limited experience but I vowed while getting treatment for my PPA that I would never sugar coat. I would always tell moms-to-be (when asked, I'm not walking around being a mommy martyr) the truth. I once had a friend tell me she didn't think being a parent would be that hard... While I was still going through all my PPA stuff (she knew about it, one of the only people I trusted with that info). She apologized once the baby got here. You simply do not know how hard it is until you are a parent. Getting all high and mighty about it just makes the rest of us laugh at you. Are FTPs (first time parents because we shouldn't limit this) allowed to have opinions and ideas on how they want to raise a baby and go about things? Duh! You have too! It would also be a good idea to go with the flow and do what you and baby need at the time. This is coming from someone who is SO type A that they had an adjustment disorder (which was what my PPA was) after N got here. Parenting IS hard, one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's also has the biggest payout of anything I have ever done and I would never trade even a second of it for anything.

lisaren · June 2014

Fwiw I only used death because it was used as an example here. But for me, it's a daily existence with my daughter and Brody. Especially with my D, it's hard knowing as a parent we've had to make choices that no parent should make. I would much rather worry about silly stuff like sleeping schedules and preschools. Which is all in of itself hard!!
What may be hard to one patent may be equally mundane to another. I do believe it's curved out by the individual child and behaviors set forth by parent and child together.
But yes I agree apples and oranges.

Melissa2216 · June 2014

Every decision you make affects your child. You are the most important person in his/her life. You need to be "on" 24/7. Your priorities now revolve around meeting this little person's needs. And you need to do all of this while hormonally effed up and terribly sleep-deprived.

But, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Dumbgurl04 · June 2014

@Maelara
@phdprocrastinator
@sunflwra

Ok Maybe saying parenting style was the wrong use of words. I was just taking from something I have observed from my own life with a friend who has a one in half year old. Her SO tells me ALL the time how difficult parenting is but barely does anything around the house or for their DD. Since their DD has been born when me and my friend hang out there have only been 3 times where it has just been the two of us but her SO is constantly needing breaks from the kid because they find parenting too hard. Which before you jump down my throat I love hanging out with her and DD, but to see her constantly having to do everything and seeing how stressed out she is all the time. But man everyone deserves at least 5 minutes to at least breath. Sometimes when I come over to their house just to hang she can't even enjoy 5 minutes to talk to me because she has to feed her DD or change her even though her spouse is sitting right there plus she even asks her SO to help her out so can have some time to hang out with her friend like they get to do all the time. I understand she is a mom and this is her job but really it's like she is a single parent with two kids. So it makes me mad and I feel awful for my friend because I see how hard she works to take care of her DD and home without any support. And really from many osbervations their parenting styles are completely different from one another. My friend likes to sit and inter active with their daughter while she has a movie playing in the background where as her SO puts the movie in and seats at their computer while the kid plays by herself. Maybe I should have been better at explaining myself. I know parenting is going to be hard and i have no idea how hard it will be for me because I don't know what my child is going to be like but I will say to see someone tell me that parenting is this huge horror story and I'm making a huge mistake by becoming one and they barely lift a finger for their own child and think they are working so hard as parent sort of makes me question their parenting style.

Maelara · June 2014

Dumbgurl04 said:

@Maelara
@phdprocrastinator
@sunflwra

Ok Maybe saying parenting style was the wrong use of words. I was just taking from something I have observed from my own life with a friend who has a one in half year old. Her SO tells me ALL the time how difficult parenting is but barely does anything around the house or for their DD. Since their DD has been born when me and my friend hang out there have only been 3 times where it has just been the two of us but her SO is constantly needing breaks from the kid because they find parenting too hard. Which before you jump down my throat I love hanging out with her and DD, but to see her constantly having to do everything and seeing how stressed out she is all the time. But man everyone deserves at least 5 minutes to at least breath. Sometimes when I come over to their house just to hang she can't even enjoy 5 minutes to talk to me because she has to feed her DD or change her even though her spouse is sitting right there plus she even asks her SO to help her out so can have some time to hang out with her friend like they get to do all the time. I understand she is a mom and this is her job but really it's like she is a single parent with two kids. So it makes me mad and I feel awful for my friend because I see how hard she works to take care of her DD and home without any support. And really from many osbervations their parenting styles are completely different from one another. My friend likes to sit and inter active with their daughter while she has a movie playing in the background where as her SO puts the movie in and seats at their computer while the kid plays by herself. Maybe I should have been better at explaining myself. I know parenting is going to be hard and i have no idea how hard it will be for me because I don't know what my child is going to be like but I will say to see someone tell me that parenting is this huge horror story and I'm making a huge mistake by becoming one and they barely lift a finger for their own child and think they are working so hard as parent sort of makes me question their parenting style.

I see what you're talking about. Your friends and her SO do need to get on the same page for parenting but what you are talking about here is not a parenting style. It's an asshole of a partner. Everyone needs a break and more than 5 minutes. Parenting isn't a huge horror story, that person is a freaking jerk. Parenting is HARD but it's also the absolute most rewarding thing I have ever done. Roll your eyes at that jackass and don't listen to a thing he says.

Dumbgurl04 · June 2014

Maelara said:

Dumbgurl04 said:

@Maelara
@phdprocrastinator
@sunflwra

Ok Maybe saying parenting style was the wrong use of words. I was just taking from something I have observed from my own life with a friend who has a one in half year old. Her SO tells me ALL the time how difficult parenting is but barely does anything around the house or for their DD. Since their DD has been born when me and my friend hang out there have only been 3 times where it has just been the two of us but her SO is constantly needing breaks from the kid because they find parenting too hard. Which before you jump down my throat I love hanging out with her and DD, but to see her constantly having to do everything and seeing how stressed out she is all the time. But man everyone deserves at least 5 minutes to at least breath. Sometimes when I come over to their house just to hang she can't even enjoy 5 minutes to talk to me because she has to feed her DD or change her even though her spouse is sitting right there plus she even asks her SO to help her out so can have some time to hang out with her friend like they get to do all the time. I understand she is a mom and this is her job but really it's like she is a single parent with two kids. So it makes me mad and I feel awful for my friend because I see how hard she works to take care of her DD and home without any support. And really from many osbervations their parenting styles are completely different from one another. My friend likes to sit and inter active with their daughter while she has a movie playing in the background where as her SO puts the movie in and seats at their computer while the kid plays by herself. Maybe I should have been better at explaining myself. I know parenting is going to be hard and i have no idea how hard it will be for me because I don't know what my child is going to be like but I will say to see someone tell me that parenting is this huge horror story and I'm making a huge mistake by becoming one and they barely lift a finger for their own child and think they are working so hard as parent sort of makes me question their parenting style.

I see what you're talking about. Your friends and her SO do need to get on the same page for parenting but what you are talking about here is not a parenting style. It's an asshole of a partner. Everyone needs a break and more than 5 minutes. Parenting isn't a huge horror story, that person is a freaking jerk. Parenting is HARD but it's also the absolute most rewarding thing I have ever done. Roll your eyes at that jackass and don't listen to a thing he says.

Well being a FTM at lot of people just assume to think we think it's going to be rainbows and butterflies. I'm scared shittless because I'm not one of the motherly types so I'm signing up for classes to learn at least some basics like changing diapers. But I know that whatever they teach me doesn't mean my LO is going to fit that mold. So to be one that is already scared and expecting it to be a very hard experience i don't like people just constantly telling me the negatives about being a parent with no positives at all. Yeah it's hard and stressful but there are rewards for those hard times and it sucks to hear people just focus on the negative.

P.S That's why I love this forum a lot of you STM+ moms are honest about the hardships but also share lots of positive people in the real world just don't seem to do that.

Maelara · June 2014

Dumbgurl04 said:

Maelara said:

Dumbgurl04 said:

@Maelara
@phdprocrastinator
@sunflwra

Ok Maybe saying parenting style was the wrong use of words. I was just taking from something I have observed from my own life with a friend who has a one in half year old. Her SO tells me ALL the time how difficult parenting is but barely does anything around the house or for their DD. Since their DD has been born when me and my friend hang out there have only been 3 times where it has just been the two of us but her SO is constantly needing breaks from the kid because they find parenting too hard. Which before you jump down my throat I love hanging out with her and DD, but to see her constantly having to do everything and seeing how stressed out she is all the time. But man everyone deserves at least 5 minutes to at least breath. Sometimes when I come over to their house just to hang she can't even enjoy 5 minutes to talk to me because she has to feed her DD or change her even though her spouse is sitting right there plus she even asks her SO to help her out so can have some time to hang out with her friend like they get to do all the time. I understand she is a mom and this is her job but really it's like she is a single parent with two kids. So it makes me mad and I feel awful for my friend because I see how hard she works to take care of her DD and home without any support. And really from many osbervations their parenting styles are completely different from one another. My friend likes to sit and inter active with their daughter while she has a movie playing in the background where as her SO puts the movie in and seats at their computer while the kid plays by herself. Maybe I should have been better at explaining myself. I know parenting is going to be hard and i have no idea how hard it will be for me because I don't know what my child is going to be like but I will say to see someone tell me that parenting is this huge horror story and I'm making a huge mistake by becoming one and they barely lift a finger for their own child and think they are working so hard as parent sort of makes me question their parenting style.

I see what you're talking about. Your friends and her SO do need to get on the same page for parenting but what you are talking about here is not a parenting style. It's an asshole of a partner. Everyone needs a break and more than 5 minutes. Parenting isn't a huge horror story, that person is a freaking jerk. Parenting is HARD but it's also the absolute most rewarding thing I have ever done. Roll your eyes at that jackass and don't listen to a thing he says.

Well being a FTM at lot of people just assume to think we think it's going to be rainbows and butterflies. I'm scared shittless because I'm not one of the motherly types so I'm signing up for classes to learn at least some basics like changing diapers. But I know that whatever they teach me doesn't mean my LO is going to fit that mold. So to be one that is already scared and expecting it to be a very hard experience i don't like people just constantly telling me the negatives about being a parent with no positives at all. Yeah it's hard and stressful but there are rewards for those hard times and it sucks to hear people just focus on the negative.

P.S That's why I love this forum a lot of you STM+ moms are honest about the hardships but also share lots of positive people in the real world just don't seem to do that.

It will be fine! Everyone is different with THEIR child. Your instincts will take over once the baby gets here. FTR, its also normal to not feel connected to the baby right away. Don't worry, it will come. My mom had no connection with me for weeks. We are still super close and I tell her everything. She is my best friend. For me, the hardest part was the newborn stage. Now that N interacts and runs around and is such a little person, it's so much better. I'm definitely more of a kid person than a baby person. And you know what? That's ok

sunflwra · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

WildFlower810 said:

The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12.

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now.

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

@wildflower810 - I'm just curious. Is this parenting gig just a huge gamble for you then? Hope you get dealt the "easy kid" card and if not, then you fold?

What level of difficulty is tolerable to you as a parent? Is a 6 year old that isn't potty trained yet due to medical issues too hard? Is a child with autism too hard? What about a terminal cancer diagnosis in your 10 year old? Your 15 year old being pregnant? A child with ODD or RAD? A child with a severe learning disability? What about a child that is permanently disabled due to something like a terrible car accident? Are all of these children candidates for adoption in your world of parenting?

Seriously, parenting is fucking hard and your remark about adoption is just beyond shitty. I hope it was just flippant, but even so, what a truly awful thing to say.

Exactly! One of the toughest things about being a parent is that you don't just get to check out when it gets hard. No matter what happens, you have to be there. My mom is not a cryer. When I went through my losses, the first thing she did was cry with me. The second thing she did was say in a conversation with my husband that, as a parent, she would do anything she could to keep her kids from experiencing pain like that, they would take it on themselves if there was any way to do so. The love you have for your kids will fill your heart but also break it in numerious scenarios. As others have explained it, it is the hardest thing you'll ever do but it is also the most rewarding thing you'll ever do and you'll start to wonder how you ever lived your life without them.

Maelara · June 2014

@sunflwra‌ I just ugly cried over your post. It's so true and I'm so happy your mom could be there for you that way. *hugs*

sunflwra · June 2014

There's a reason that there's not just one how-to parenting book- there is no one size fits all- so you do what you have to in order to get through the tough stuff. But I will tell you that, if you have a partner in your life that will be parenting this baby, they need to step up. I get angry when I see situations where this doesn't happen and therefore, it's EVEN HARDER on the parent that is involved. I love my daughter all the time but there are definitely times when I don't like her (the terrible twos are REAL)! Sometimes one of us just needs to step away for a bit- whether its to another room or outside the house. That's a lot easier to do when you have a good partner. As others have said, you can't understand it until you live it. Best on-the-job training EVER!

phdprocrastinator · June 2014

Yeah, I agree that your friend's problem is more about her SO than it is about parenting style. This is also a challenge I see many moms facing, as they're usually the ones who stay home and therefore are the ones who figure out how to do X first. My husband and I discussed this when I was home for maternity leave. He's a super involved parent - and a feminist - and we were shocked at how the gender roles fell down around us as I was the one who became responsible for most of the feeding, cleaning, and general taking-care-of our daughter. It was too easy for him to rely on me, and too easy for me to jump in and help him. I really had to step back and not criticize (although if you ask him, I still do!). I try to only address issues that I think are going to effect me when I'm alone with DD. So, I don't critique how he dresses her or what he feeds her, but if I see him allowing a "bad" behavior I will bring it up as I don't want to deal with that in our alone time.

But I will also say if your SO comes into parenting as a willing partner, this is something that is easily addressed. Meanwhile, if your SO is like your friend's... it's going to be a long slog.

Deardra77 · June 2014

Being a parent is hard but what would be about 10 million times harder would be being CFNBC. Any time things are hard I remind myself of that fact and how incredibly incredibly lucky we are to have our DS and what a miracle he is. Really helps put things in prospective in how being a parent really isn't that hard.