"its the hardest thing you'll ever do"

MrsLillyG

A few people had told me this.  Being a mom is the hardest thing that you'll ever do.  Moms of 6 month olds have even told me this.  No one has explained to me why?  Please explain to me! Thanks!

mander82

I can totally understand it.     I met SD when she was 6.  Already wiping her own bum, able to speak up and say whats wrong,  and she still exhausted us after just a weekend with her.   After she would go back home,  we would basically just sit and stare at the wall, utterly exhausted.    Kids are super fast paced.    They are little energizer bunnies.  

FTM here though, so I can't wait to see what the STM's have to say 

NLJ82

I understand it's life changing, but things like this infuriate me. The women I work with ONLY point out the negative things to me. The other day a woman told me that once he's out I'll wish he was back in. REALLY?! In no way do I think it'll be easy, and since I'm a FTM I guess I have no idea, however growing up my mom would always tell me how awesome it was to be a mom & never once mentioned the negatives. I guess I'm bombarded now lol

God speed in doing "the hardest thing you'll ever do"

lisaren

It's another human. They might end up on Maury povich screaming whose my baby daddy.
Yeah. The hardest but most amazing thing you'll ever do. And it NEVER stops. The older they get, the bigger the problems.

Lilwatz

My husband and I are planners, so we talk out potential ideas for how we'll share responsibilities/etc once our little girl is born.  We aren't stupid--we know that in reality things could change, but we like to have a plan.  One of our good friends told us we won't be able to stick to any plans we make and should just stop.

Thanks for the support! 

momtojad

I would re-phase it as it is the hardest thing you will ever love.  Being a mom is tiring and exhausting and you have to come to terms with everything not going as planned.  Take care of this little being when they are sick even if you have no clue how to.  You may have to sacrifice your old life style.  And you are now employed 24 hours a day by a little miniature boss.  On the flip side, they love you no matter what and it is very rewarding to get through all the things I listed.  You grow as a person and become a mom. 

lisaren

Yeah, I agree with your friend @Lilwatz‌ life happens
I'm super type A and my kids, love them so, yeah... They have/had their own plans


The only plan you should make is to wake up, feed baby, eat, change diaper, sleep. Repeat next day.

meeshybee

I think the "hardest" part for me is being responsible for all the decisions regarding another human being. Especially in the first year or two, you wonder if your decisions could ruin their life.

The SAHM vs daycare issue is a big one for mom guilt. Am I a horrible mother for having other people take care of my child, or am I a horrible mother for not helping provide for my family? Will my bond with my child be weaker because s/he goes to daycare?

That may not be true for everyone, but that's what it was for me.

ccam

It is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's also the most rewarding.  You have another human to take care of besides yourself - you teach them everything, take care of them, provide for them, worry about them every second.... of course it's hard!  I don't think many Moms would tell you it's an easy job, but it's also amazing and so worth it.

sweetbabyrahe

@kakicloud I agree that it maybe isn't the hardest thing you'll ever do (I can think of some really tough things that hopefully I won't ever have to do) but it is hard. It is such an adjustment. It makes you realize every ounce of selfishness you may have. The first 4 months for me were the toughest because they need so much and don't give much back, but once DS smiled and started to interact back...it got easier.

LongIslandMama1114

I came across this article just this morning. Perhaps this is a good place to share it?

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/catherine-alford/what-nobody-tells-you-about-the-first-3-months-of-motherhood_b_5519562.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

I am a first time mom so I have zero experience with how hard it is or may be but I really enjoyed the article.

lisaren

Wait until y'all have teenagers.

sweetbabyrahe

@lisaren...I am dreading that. Part of the reason I wouldn't mind if this baby was another boy. I just know how dramatic, sarcastic, and downright awful I was from about 12-16.

mexinugget

Hardships and all its still, in my opinion, the most wonderful, rewarding, and greatest gifts of life. I was a terrible teen, but i'm an adult now and my mom is the greatest and did an amazing job raising us kids. I owe her a lot. So even if my own teens are rotten, its just a faze. If i stay the course and remain firm, like my mom, it will all work out.

sunflwra

All of what everyone else has said. The other thing I will add is that you (and your SO if that's the case) are completely responsible for the life of another human being.  That is a HUGE responsibility and pressure in itself. Initially your worries are keeping them safe, fed, rested, healthy and breathing. Soon enough it becomes worry about how they are developing (physically, cognitively, etc), what kind of person they will be, what kind of parent you'll be, etc.  The worry will never end when you have a child and that, to me, is why it's the hardest thing you will ever do.  It's not a specific phase of having a baby that is necessarily tough- it's the overall journey.

mander82

Right now, teenage stepdaughter is really rough.    She is starting to plot our house against mothers house to try and get her way.    We think her house lets her get away with too much and doesn't discipline enough.  She won't come stay with us because she knows she can get her way at moms house.    We feel like the bad guys,  but we also feel like her adult life would be easier if she stayed with us.    Her mother doesn't think we handle things right,  she thinks we are too strict and "mean".

Its so hard,  and stressful....it feels like we have no control.       I can't wait to see the differences between raising our own child and having full control vs. the situation we are in now. 

carcrashheart

Well, because it is. It isn't a bad thing or a negative thing. But it can be hard. Inconsolable crying, being at their constant beck and call, always having a tiny human with you everywhere you go-that alone makes life totally different. You begin to decide if the stop to store xyz is really worth getting the kid out of the car, stroller out, kid in stroller, etc. having a feeding hit while you're in the middle of a store and dealing with it. Making sure you have everything you could possibly need before leaving the house. Getting up several times a night and being flat out exhausted. Not having a day off. It's not all roses and thinking that it will be is naive. Challenging may be the better word for it. It isn't all of the time but there are definitely a lot of challenging times. Trying to put up with a crying infant that you put down for a nap while trying to get something else done and hoping the calm down. Those things can begin to grate on your patience after awhile. Babies look like they're tiny and easy bc they don't need much. Absolutely true. But what they do need is frequent and there are a lot of times where you've tried everything and they just won't stop crying. I learned quickly why the purple cry can be so dangerous. I had to walk away from DS many times just to save my sanity. As they get older their needs expand. They become more fun to interact with and also even more challenging in different ways.

I remember when DS came home. One week old we went to the pedi. She asked how we were doing and if it was harder than we thought. I remember smugly tellin her that we were fine and it was a piece of cake! She must have rolled her eyes so hard at me. That night DS came out of the honeymoon sleepy phase and fourth trimester hit. Suddenly we had this tiny human that just would not stop crying, no matter what. Sleeping with a baby isn't as easy as it seems, especially when hormones are high. Every time he twitched my eyes flew open, which was about eve 10 minutes. As the weeks went on my DH would say "babies cry, surely you knew that" when I would get frazzled. I would tell him that I knew they cried but I had no idea they cried so much and for so long at times and couldn't be calmed at times. I went ones for ppd shortly after, which did help.

Point is: it IS hard. Not in a way that what you're doing is terribly hard act by act. But because it's constant, on little sleep, and can get frustrating. You'll do things you never thought youd be ok with-like touching poop and vomit.

It's hard because the life you once knew goes away. Especially when they are newborns, that time you had to quietly sit with your husband is gone. We couldn't even eat dinner together. We ate in shifts while the other held the baby that refused to be put down. And once the baby went to sleep around 9/10/11/12 we immediately went to sleep as well, without even talking about each other's day. Those things call after a few months and you can find a new routine, but in the meantime life really changes and it's an adjustment.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's also the best thing I've ever done. The good days outweigh the bad by far, but when in the midst of a bad day it can feel really miserable. There are always challenges, always something new happening to figure out.

The fourth trimester is real, FTM's. Read up on it now.

Lilwatz

lisaren said:

Yeah, I agree with your friend @Lilwatz‌ life happens I'm super type A and my kids, love them so, yeah... They have/had their own plans The only plan you should make is to wake up, feed baby, eat, change diaper, sleep. Repeat next day.

Sure, but I know of several successful couples who schedule middle of the night duties (e.g. one handles before 2am, the other after).  That's all I am saying.    Plans are fun and good and not bad if you know you likely will have to change them. 

abbyful

Something else that makes it hard, you will change how you look at things forever. Things affect you differently.

That news story about child abuse? It used to just piss you off, after having a kid, it goes straight to your soul. Your awareness of the fragility of life will be much more accute. Etc.

lisaren

Lilwatz said:

lisaren said:

Yeah, I agree with your friend @Lilwatz‌ life happens
I'm super type A and my kids, love them so, yeah... They have/had their own plans


The only plan you should make is to wake up, feed baby, eat, change diaper, sleep. Repeat next day.

Sure, but I know of several successful couples who schedule middle of the night duties (e.g. one handles before 2am, the other after).  That's all I am saying.    Plans are fun and good and not bad if you know you likely will have to change them. 

---------


Oh! Yes, definitely!! Husband always did diaper duty at night, because them babies love to poop after every freakin meal!

lisaren

bethas said:

lisaren said:

Wait until y'all have teenagers.

This. Formula vs bf, cloth vs diaper... Such small things in comparison to IEP meetings, military recruiters, college applications, driving. And then they graduate and you just pray.

I'm touring colleges next month with my son. I'm scared. He's excited.
This time next year I'll be buying his dorm room essentials. Wah

mamatohne

These words have come out of my mouth a few times. Being a mom is the hardest job in the planet. Someone else rely on you for EVERYTHINg. And I truly think until you are a parent you won't begin to under stand that. its not something someone can explain as all babies, parents, and experiences are different, but that doesn't change how hard it is. The statement is always followed by "but it's ALL worth it, and I wouldn't change it for the world, it's the best thing that has ever happened to me."

Dumbgurl04

That seems to be the biggest trend I get with the advice giving.  People just point out all the negative stuff.  I mean yeah it's going to be hard cause you are responsible for another life but not every kid is going to be the excat same.  I'm just trying to be prepare myself with all the responsiblity that comes with a kid.  I try not to listen to people because so far my pregnancy has been nothing like theirs so why should I expect my kid will act the same.  Also I believe people's parenting styles could always be what makes being a parent hard. 

mamatohne

And when you think you have reached a "OMG I don't know if I can do this anymore" moment they start to do something you think is way harder to handle. But the memory of those things fade (not completely) and you do it again.

jaminjeff

momtojad said:

I would re-phase it as it is the hardest thing you will ever love.  Being a mom is tiring and exhausting and you have to come to terms with everything not going as planned.  Take care of this little being when they are sick even if you have no clue how to.  You may have to sacrifice your old life style.  And you are now employed 24 hours a day by a little miniature boss.  On the flip side, they love you no matter what and it is very rewarding to get through all the things I listed.  You grow as a person and become a mom. 

All this over and over and over again.

jlove253

This has all been said but what struck me most about having dd was how much I needed to sacrifice, which I don't think you can understand till baby comes. And that can suck sometimes when I want to be selfish and can't. But I truly believe it is all so good for us as humans. When we get married you are forced to put your selfishness aside sometimes because you love your DH, and then that increases with children. When you makes choices that are better for someone else and cost you something, because you love them, you gain too. And it's hard but it's beautiful.

jaminjeff

lisaren said:

Wait until y'all have teenagers.

This. Formula vs bf, cloth vs diaper... Such small things in comparison to IEP meetings, military recruiters, college applications, driving. And then they graduate and you just pray.

I'm touring colleges next month with my son. I'm scared. He's excited. This time next year I'll be buying his dorm room essentials. Wah

I did this two years ago with my stepson (he's with us full-time, no relationship with his mother) and I always tell people that both of my children stress me out the same amount, just in different ways.  It doesn't go away.  I worry about finances, school loans, parties, the 3 hour drive between his school and our home, his big plans to move away after school.  It simply just never goes away.  That saying about choosing to live with your heart outside of your body when you have a child is true to the core.

abbyful

jlove253 said:

This has all been said but what struck me most about having dd was how much I needed to sacrifice, which I don't think you can understand till baby comes. And that can suck sometimes when I want to be selfish and can't. But I truly believe it is all so good for us as humans. When we get married you are forced to put your selfishness aside sometimes because you love your DH, and then that increases with children. When you makes choices that are better for someone else and cost you something, because you love them, you gain too. And it's hard but it's beautiful.

And when you are pissed at your little bundle of joy for breaking something , but have to calmly explain in toddler-terms why not to do something. (Like DS throwing my phone and shattering the screen last weekend!)

jlove253

bethas said:

Dumbgurl04 said:

Also I believe people's parenting styles could always be what makes being a parent hard. 

I'm gonna respectfully disagree here.  I usually bite my tongue, but this made me angry.  Parenting is hard because it's hard.  Regardless of your parenting style.  There are things that you just can't be prepared for, like that little person will have a personality of their own and regardless of what parenting style you use, it just may not fit well with yours.  EX?  Me, my DH and oldest DS are all introverts.  Imagine our surprise when younger DS was born an extreme extrovert.  He needs activity and interaction with others.  He craves to be stimulated, whether physically or intellectually.  Parenting style has zero to do with this, it's just who he is, but it certainly makes it tiring for us.  I love him dearly.  He is intelligent, inquisitive, and such a people-person.  But parenting him is hard because I have a borderline phobia of social situations, and because it take so much energy.  

And then... you get to the teenage years.  And they become clinically depressed.  And angry.  And get in trouble.  And no matter what parenting style you use, nothing will help that there is something in the brain that is chemically imbalanced.  Or they have a learning disorder that the schools refuse to admit until he's in 7th grade and you've changed districts, so he grows up hating reading and school.  THAT is hard.  I've lived it.  

What makes parenting hard is NOT parenting style.  What makes it hard is that you constantly do the best for your child...

*snip*

//endrant.

-----quote box fail-----
Really valid points. While there are some things you can choose to do as a parent that make it harder on yourself, there are lots of circumstances when parents can do something to make things easier on themselves that really are just selfish parenting choices that can set your kids up for failure. Be gracious to yourself and your children, but don't be selfish.

Ineedmorecoffee

They're just so...busy. Constantly doing things. My son always has to be doing something every second of the day! It's exhausting, but fun.

Edited to say the hardest part is definitely realizing you are the one responsible for this beautiful, innocent person. You want to raise them the best you possibly can, but it's so incredibly hard.

MrsDL

I agree with everyone else. People always say you need a "mental break" every once in a while. You can get that from everything else you deal with in life except kids imo.  Your child/children will be the most important thing to you and you are responsible 100% for every aspect of their well-being. Even when they are adults, making decisions for themselves and you've done what you think is a pretty good job for a few decades, you'll worry about them, their decisions, worry about whether you are even partly responsible for their mistakes.  It's never ending. Nothing else requires that kind of mental fortitude. They are always on you mind.

kikimeemee

Close family friend told us our lives will be forever changed for the better. He has three kids aged 12 - 22 y/o so I'll listen to him over people saying it's hard. I'm sure it is hard but there's a brand new lovely person in your life!

sunflwra

Dumbgurl04 said:

 Also I believe people's parenting styles could always be what makes being a parent hard. 

@Dumbgurl04 - I'm just going to call this out as an ignorant statement. There's enough judgment when it comes to parenting and being a mom- please don't start now. 

kimberly_ann81

It's hard because it's no longer about you.  It's about them.  I'm tired but they are full and energy and want to play.  I have a headache and he's screaming because his little brother has the Thomas train that he wants.

It's hard because at first all they can do is cry and you are left to figure out what is wrong.  Sometimes it is nothing because babies just cry sometimes.

It's hard because he's decided that at 2.5 years he no longer needs to nap and quiet time isn't always quiet time. The baby wants to be held all day while the older one decides to no longer be potty trained and has not only pooped on his floor but used his cars to drive through it.  It is now smeared all over the floor.

It's hard because the oldest has learned to open doors and will run out of the house naked in the middle of cooking dinner.  You fetch him from the neighbors yard to come back to a now burning dinner.  The baby is holding onto your legs while trying to cook while the oldest is getting into the fridge because he is hungry and doesn't want to wait 5 minutes until dinner is ready.

It's hard because you fold the laundry and the they both dump the laundry and throw it all over the living room while you run to the bathroom; which if you stay more than 3 minutes they come looking for you in there.

It's hard because they have cold but insist that you need a big snotty kiss right on the mouth.  They refuse to sleep in their own bed/room so you spend the next few nights either being kicked or having the child snuggled right up to you all night.

It's no longer about you and what you want/need.  It's about them, their wants and needs and many times what they want is your undivided attention and what they need is all your love and energy.  Hardest job but best job you will ever have.

lisaren

WildFlower810 said:

The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12. 

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now. 

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

Imagine that being your child. Or having the ashes of your child sitting next to you in the nightstand.

Or preparing a funeral for your child twice. Signing dnr papers. Deciding what dress the child will wear.

So yes, mothering entails the possibility of having to do all that. Unfortunately it also becomes reality for many.

So should you not become a patent because shit can happen? Because it can.
That horrible day you experienced was a mothers worst day and every choice she had to make about that day was hard and unfair. That's what parenting is about. It's fuckin hard.

kfo22

excitedpreggo12 said:

carcrashheart said:

Well, because it is. It isn't a bad thing or a negative thing. But it can be hard. Inconsolable crying, being at their constant beck and call, always having a tiny human with you everywhere you go-that alone makes life totally different. You begin to decide if the stop to store xyz is really worth getting the kid out of the car, stroller out, kid in stroller, etc. having a feeding hit while you're in the middle of a store and dealing with it. Making sure you have everything you could possibly need before leaving the house. Getting up several times a night and being flat out exhausted. Not having a day off. It's not all roses and thinking that it will be is naive. Challenging may be the better word for it. It isn't all of the time but there are definitely a lot of challenging times. Trying to put up with a crying infant that you put down for a nap while trying to get something else done and hoping the calm down. Those things can begin to grate on your patience after awhile. Babies look like they're tiny and easy bc they don't need much. Absolutely true. But what they do need is frequent and there are a lot of times where you've tried everything and they just won't stop crying. I learned quickly why the purple cry can be so dangerous. I had to walk away from DS many times just to save my sanity. As they get older their needs expand. They become more fun to interact with and also even more challenging in different ways. I remember when DS came home. One week old we went to the pedi. She asked how we were doing and if it was harder than we thought. I remember smugly tellin her that we were fine and it was a piece of cake! She must have rolled her eyes so hard at me. That night DS came out of the honeymoon sleepy phase and fourth trimester hit. Suddenly we had this tiny human that just would not stop crying, no matter what. Sleeping with a baby isn't as easy as it seems, especially when hormones are high. Every time he twitched my eyes flew open, which was about eve 10 minutes. As the weeks went on my DH would say "babies cry, surely you knew that" when I would get frazzled. I would tell him that I knew they cried but I had no idea they cried so much and for so long at times and couldn't be calmed at times. I went ones for ppd shortly after, which did help. Point is: it IS hard. Not in a way that what you're doing is terribly hard act by act. But because it's constant, on little sleep, and can get frustrating. You'll do things you never thought youd be ok with-like touching poop and vomit. It's hard because the life you once knew goes away. Especially when they are newborns, that time you had to quietly sit with your husband is gone. We couldn't even eat dinner together. We ate in shifts while the other held the baby that refused to be put down. And once the baby went to sleep around 9/10/11/12 we immediately went to sleep as well, without even talking about each other's day. Those things call after a few months and you can find a new routine, but in the meantime life really changes and it's an adjustment. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's also the best thing I've ever done. The good days outweigh the bad by far, but when in the midst of a bad day it can feel really miserable. There are always challenges, always something new happening to figure out. The fourth trimester is real, FTM's. Read up on it now.

I love this. It's definitely an eye-opener and as realistic as it gets. I've also never heard of the purple cry or fourth trimester. So thank you.

Ditto. And now I'm going to go hug my husband for two hours because I'll miss spending time with him in a few months...

 

Oh and here come the tears. I'm at work, dammit! haha.

PineApple85

abbyful said:

Something else that makes it hard, you will change how you look at things forever. Things affect you differently.

That news story about child abuse? It used to just piss you off, after having a kid, it goes straight to your soul. Your awareness of the fragility of life will be much more accute. Etc.

PPs pretty much covered everything I would say, but this. Holy crap this and I wasn't prepared for it. I can't read the sad stories about children anymore. At all. Every toddler that gets hurt is my son's age or near my son's age, that could be him. And suddenly it's like I could be reading about him and it's too much. EVERYTHING becomes personal.

rahkitt

I agree with wildflower.  Parenting is hard, sleepless nights and putting someone else's needs first for years on end is hard.  But someday I may have to take care of my dying parents.  I just watched my mom care for her sister who was dying and is now dealing with all the things that come after that.  I would never want to say that something like parenting that is challenging *and* rewarding is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.  

lisaren

I think it's all how define hard and in what context and scenario it's used in.

phdprocrastinator

sunflwra said:

Dumbgurl04 said:

 Also I believe people's parenting styles could always be what makes being a parent hard. 

@Dumbgurl04 - I'm just going to call this out as an ignorant statement. There's enough judgment when it comes to parenting and being a mom- please don't start now. 

I actually think it's much more dangerous than an ignorant statement.  I've seen proponents of vastly different parenting philosophies claim that their "style" makes life easier.  Put the kid on a schedule = mom can get breaks!  Co-sleep = mom can sleep!

And then you hear parents from both philosophies utterly bewildered that it's still hard.  Because sometimes kids don't fit into the "plan."  Follow this up with everyone and their mother (more specifically, your own mother) critiquing your parenting choices, many of which happen on the fly, and you can become absolutely riddled with self-doubt.   And it's not like the type of self-doubt about whether or not you should have dyed your hair a different shade, it's a doubt about whether or not your meeting the needs of one of the people you love most in the world and who depends on you for everything.

I read so much before DD came and actually didn't have many people tell me how hard this would be.  It set me up for utter failure.  

So to beat a dead horse: it's hard.  You will not get the breaks you need.  You will have moments in which you don't know how you're going to make it until the next nap.  You may even need to put your crying child down and walk away for his/her safety.  You will feel like shi*t for failing your little one.  

And then your baby will start to smile at you (hopefully sooner rather than later - and don't let anyone tell you it's gas) and it will be worth it.  

Maelara

WildFlower810 said:

The hardest thing I've ever done is stand by the casket of my little sister's best friend (who felt like a sister to me) who was killed in a freak accident when she was 12. 

If mothering is harder than that, then give me the adoption agency's number right now. 

Whoever told the OP that needs to get their head screwed on straight.

This isn't apples to apples. Is losing someone hard? Yup. My great grandpa lived with us for two years when I was a teenager and I got to watch him very slowly die because he WANTED to die.

Comparing losing someone to being a mother is only going to harm yourself and anyone who believes you. As every STM+ has said, being a mom is hard but SO rewarding. It's different, very different.

@Dumbgurl04‌ your post really infuriated me, until I realized that your belief will only hurt you in the long run, not me. It is an incredibly naive view on things and will only fuel mommy wars.

What's harder? Letting your child CIO or being exhausted because they won't sleep? But you won't do CIO because it's against your parenting style. Both are hard. I did both.