I need to talk.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

Today's dropoff with N at DCP was horrific. She was going better the last two days and then this morning she had an epic fit when I tried to leave. Which set K off. Which then set the other kids off.

N was that kid this morning.

I have no idea what to do. We have our appointment to speak with the DC director this afternoon so we'll get some answers about that.

I called a behavioral therapist this morning to try to get an appointment and I'm waiting for a call back. We won't know until this afternoon exactly how long all of this is going on with her at DCP. If it's been since February, then her trauma might have something to do with it. (Long story short for those of you who don't know, my parents and the girls were involved in a horrible car accident and N sustained an injury to her head. Mostly her eye, but it was still in her head area.)

I feel like N is scared to be at DC right now but we have very very few options right now. DH and I have spent hours over the last few weeks trying to find a new DC and we haven't been able to find any places with spots for two kids and we can't drive all over the city every morning to drop off at individual DCPs.

I feel like the worst mother ever because we just can't take her out of DCP when we're both working. I won't know for at least another 2-3 weeks about my job, so we don't want to front the money for a new DCP if they're only going to be there for a month or so. I don't want to keep N in her current DCP if she's scared to be there but I don't know of any other options that will work with both DH and I working. There isn't anyone we know who can watch them during the day because everyone works like us.

I don't know what to do to make this better. I'm doing everything I can but I feel like the DCP are judging us for not taking N out of there immediately and I feel so sorry for the teachers there having to deal with N when she goes off and affects the other kids there.

Help.

Unknown · June 2014

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jesuisfatiguee · June 2014

Hugs CG. I feel totally unqualified to offer any substantial advice so... Let me just hug you.

BluepointToasted · June 2014

Big hugs. Good luck this afternoon. I have no advice, just know that you are doing your best and don't worry about the DCPs judging you. They are most likely at a loss themselves.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

RVASC811 said:

This sucks and is awful, and I'm sorry. Is there a way to work out with your bosses that you will work odd hours for the next few weeks while you get it sorted? We've done this when C has been very sick. I work 5-11 am at the office and then 3 hours at home via nap or after bed. H would go in at 11:30 and stay until 8:00.

I work from home 3 days a week and in the office two, but it is almost impossible to work while the girls are here. It works for a day or two and then they get stir crazy and won't leave me alone/mess with my computer.

I could talk to DH about this, though.

And no to the nanny. All of our friends use DCPs or have school-age kids.

angelashly · June 2014

I wish I could come watch her for you. That is such a rough thing to go through. You are not a bad mommy you are doing all that you possibly can.

((Hugs))

Unknown · June 2014

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vandelay · June 2014

I'm so sorry. I like the temporary nanny suggestion, or the suggestion of talking with your employer to see whether they can work with you on your hours.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

I'm so sorry. I had no idea about the accident! First, stop caring what the DCP thinks of you as a parent. I understand, totally, but unless she's a physical threat to anyone, you need to just push them on needing at least 3 weeks to understand the direction of your job and all other decisions will follow that. I wish I could come over and hug you. Or babysit.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

They should not be judging you for trying to maintain a level of stability in your child's life when her family is going through a stressful time. I really hope they aren't making you feel that way and that this is just you internalizing the worries you have - not that I want you to do that, but, y'know. Better than them being total dillweeds. I hope the behavioural therapist can see you soon. I'm sorry it's really hard right now. I wish you were getting more support from her DCP. They're supposed to support families as a means of providing the best possible care for the children. Fwiw I think you're smart not to rush them into any big changes. Will the daycare schedule a team meeting with you and your partner, the director and all her teachers so you can get a better grip on what they are thinking and what they're willing to do to facilitate a healthy environment for everyone?

I don't know. DH doesn't even want to talk to DCP or the director right now. He's very angry over the way this has all been handled.

I'm going to bring up these issues today at the meeting. I'm going to request we get weekly, if not daily, reports on N until we can get her into a new DCP/my job situation sorts itself out.

The more we think about how all of this has been handled from the DCP side of things, the more frustrated and angry we get. I'm willing to give them a shot at explaining all of this and coming up with a plan of attack, as it were, though.

Unknown · June 2014

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CinemaGoddess · June 2014

SweetSouthernMomma08 said:

Major hugs...
A few questions...I might have missed info along the way..but,
Does she have episodes if you drop her off anywhere else? or just DCP? Just DCP. She doesn't really go anywhere else without us. She doesn't go to preschool or anything.
Does it happen if DH drops her off/ The same thing.
Is it separation anxiety? Possibly, but it's with both of us.
Why would she be scared to be at DCP? Did something happen there? I don't know and it's something I'm bringing up today at the meeting. I'm specifically going to ask what their reactions are when she does have these tantrums. When I left today, one of the teachers had to physically restrain her from running out the door after me.

RondackHiker · June 2014

I have no advice, only sympathy.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

katnhiding said:

CG, as a preschool teacher I've had to hold kids while their parents left. Those kids were always fine by the time their parents reached the front door. How is she after you leave? She's usually screaming/crying when I'm walking out the door. How long does it take to calm her? Between 5 and 10 minutes. They should have tried to make a plan by now with you on how to make drop off easier for all of you. I've found that dropping off quickly and getting out quickly is usually the best, even if the DCP has to hold her while you go. The longer parents stay the more upset the child is.

Have you tried sending a comfort object with her that can remind her of you? She has a bear that she takes with her. I had one child who had some separation anxiety issues and it helped him to wear one of his mom's ponytail holders on his wrist. This is a good idea. Maybe I'll find something of mine she can take with her. He would see it and think of her and feel better. I kept extra ponytail holders on hand in case he somehow lost his. Another little girl carried one of her Dad's handkerchiefs.

When did the daycare issues start? We're not exactly sure. the notes we have from the DCP start in April, but they claim it's been going on since before the accident.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

Im sorry you're going through this, I don't have any useful advice but I hope you can come up with some kind of solution. Sounds like getting a behavioral therapist involved and talking with DCP are both good next steps.

Rach7170 · June 2014

Hugs. I'm sorry that you are going through all this.

SpaceGirlSpiff · June 2014

I am so sorry you're dealing with this! What a tough spot... I wish I had experience or advice with this .... All I have is Hugs.

You really need a break!

MrsT0514 · June 2014

Im so sorry, CG. This is a lot to handle all at once. You know what they say, bullshit doesn't just rain...its fucking pours.

I dont have much helpful advice for you, unfortunately. I know you said your job stability was up in the air, but would it be feasible for you to just stay home for a while, given thw difficulty in finding alternate care? idk. I'm sure thats not much help, but just throwing it out there. ::hugs:: I hope you guys can finally catch a break soon.

ravenclaw1 · June 2014

I always get to threads late after everyone has weighed in.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and that your daughter is going through this stress. I hope they can give you decent answers today and work with you to give you time to find a new DCP

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

MrsT0514 said:

Im so sorry, CG. This is a lot to handle all at once. You know what they say, bullshit doesn't just rain...its fucking pours. I dont have much helpful advice for you, unfortunately. I know you said your job stability was up in the air, but would it be feasible for you to just stay home for a while, given thw difficulty in finding alternate care? idk. I'm sure thats not much help, but just throwing it out there. ::hugs:: I hope you guys can finally catch a break soon.

This actually terrifies me. I almost went legitimately crazy the last time I was a SAHM and I would only do that under the most dire circumstances right now.

We might be closing in on dire circumstances but I don't want to consider this option until I absolutely have to.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

I was reviewing the notes the DCP gave us last month when all of this started.

I really feel like they're trying to place her somewhere on the spectrum.

This is what the notes say:

4/17: Trying to eat stamping ink

4/18: Eating paint off her fingers like frosting

4/16: Threw a fit because she couldn't bring her toy outside

4/17: Had to be physically removed from playing

4/17: Spinning around bed and ignoring teacher during transition to nap time

5/2: eating bubbles

5/6: Having a hard time joining circle time, work time

I just don't see anything there that isn't "handle"able. There is no indication of what steps were taken by the DC staff in response to these things. This is all the notes say.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why they're trying to kick her out because of these items and the tantrums.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

katnhiding said:

CG, I would ask what they've done to handle each of those incidences. These types of things need to be handled in the moment and then later reinforced. How old is she?

They're 3.5.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

I'm taking the list with me today to discuss each instance and what the teacher's response was.

virgin4lyfe · June 2014

I would start insisting they tell you what they've done to handle each "incident" as well.

I'm so sorry CG. I hope you can start getting real answers.

MrsT0514 · June 2014

CinemaGoddess said:

MrsT0514 said:

Im so sorry, CG. This is a lot to handle all at once. You know what they say, bullshit doesn't just rain...its fucking pours.

I dont have much helpful advice for you, unfortunately. I know you said your job stability was up in the air, but would it be feasible for you to just stay home for a while, given thw difficulty in finding alternate care? idk. I'm sure thats not much help, but just throwing it out there. ::hugs:: I hope you guys can finally catch a break soon.

This actually terrifies me. I almost went legitimately crazy the last time I was a SAHM and I would only do that under the most dire circumstances right now.

We might be closing in on dire circumstances but I don't want to consider this option until I absolutely have to.

Understandable. I was a SAHM full time for my son's first year of life, now I work PT a few nights a week, but am still home with him during the day...and lets just say I have my days. So I get where you're coming from

I hope you guys can figure something out soon.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

Hawkward said:

I'm really surprised those are the only notes they gave you. I'd want to know a lot more details.

Also, are those the only incidents that happened in that period? Those are the only ones we have notes on.

Do they have any staff onsite qualified to make referrals to a behavioral pedi? I highly doubt it. I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with a behavioral therapist for N and we'll see what she has to say. For example, at the DC I worked, we had floating family life specialists to help with behavioral issues or family issues, and they could refer kids to any outside help they might need. They could also bring in EI specialists if they weren't confident about what was going on with a tough kid. They basically told us to do this ourselves. DH is in contact with our school district to get an assessment for N but it looks like she won't be seen until late August or early September.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

CTGirl30 said:

CinemaGoddess said:

I was reviewing the notes the DCP gave us last month when all of this started.

I really feel like they're trying to place her somewhere on the spectrum.

This is what the notes say:

4/17: Trying to eat stamping ink

4/18: Eating paint off her fingers like frosting

4/16: Threw a fit because she couldn't bring her toy outside

4/17: Had to be physically removed from playing

4/17: Spinning around bed and ignoring teacher during transition to nap time

5/2: eating bubbles

5/6: Having a hard time joining circle time, work time

I just don't see anything there that isn't "handle"able. There is no indication of what steps were taken by the DC staff in response to these things. This is all the notes say.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why they're trying to kick her out because of these items and the tantrums.

Jesus Christ, forreal?!? Because NONE of that strikes me as out of the ordinary for preschooler behavior. That almost seems laughable - this happens in the course of a normal day for little kids everywhere.

This was exactly our reaction when we were given the notes.

MrsT0514 · June 2014

CTGirl30 said:

CinemaGoddess said:

I was reviewing the notes the DCP gave us last month when all of this started.

I really feel like they're trying to place her somewhere on the spectrum.

This is what the notes say:

4/17: Trying to eat stamping ink

4/18: Eating paint off her fingers like frosting

4/16: Threw a fit because she couldn't bring her toy outside

4/17: Had to be physically removed from playing

4/17: Spinning around bed and ignoring teacher during transition to nap time

5/2: eating bubbles

5/6: Having a hard time joining circle time, work time

I just don't see anything there that isn't "handle"able. There is no indication of what steps were taken by the DC staff in response to these things. This is all the notes say.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why they're trying to kick her out because of these items and the tantrums.

Jesus Christ, forreal?!? Because NONE of that strikes me as out of the ordinary for preschooler behavior. That almost seems laughable - this happens in the course of a normal day for little kids everywhere.

I agree with all of this. Your DCP sounds like an asshat for trying to say this is "atypical". Sounds like normal behavior for any headstrong preschooler.

virgin4lyfe · June 2014

Although if they are trying to pigeonhole her into a spectrum diagnosis, it's probably just all "evidence" for them as opposed to normal behavior.

People get weird when looking for spectrum evidence.

Not that that's any type of excuse at all.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

FTWR said:

Their list of behaviors does not strike me as odd for her age. Are they comparing her to the expectations that they have of the older kids in her class? She got moved up a class, didn't she?

Yes and no. She's in the class for older kids because they needed to separate the girls. One of the things I'm going to bring up today is switching classes. N loves the teacher in K's class.

bumpuser260585 · June 2014

Add pulling down pants and shaking his butt at classmates and your list describes my 3.5 year old. None of that seems out of the ordinary for a kid her age. It sounds like they just don't want to deal with her.

Sorry you are going through this.

SpaceGirlSpiff · June 2014

Looking over your list, I'm baffled as to how that's outside the realm of normal behavior for that age.... maybe a little difficult or strong willed? Maybe, sure... but...it just really seems very normal to me!

I mean I'm no expert but.... just feels weird that they're escalating that to this point....

I'm very curious to know what the teacher's methods were in each instance too...

cedenton · June 2014

CinemaGoddess said:

I was reviewing the notes the DCP gave us last month when all of this started.

I really feel like they're trying to place her somewhere on the spectrum.

This is what the notes say:

4/17: Trying to eat stamping ink

4/18: Eating paint off her fingers like frosting

4/16: Threw a fit because she couldn't bring her toy outside

4/17: Had to be physically removed from playing

4/17: Spinning around bed and ignoring teacher during transition to nap time

5/2: eating bubbles

5/6: Having a hard time joining circle time, work time

I just don't see anything there that isn't "handle"able. There is no indication of what steps were taken by the DC staff in response to these things. This is all the notes say.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why they're trying to kick her out because of these items and the tantrums.

Uh...all of this is totally normal. The separation anxiety, as well. 5-10 minutes isn't bad at all for calming down. There are MANY days where DS has to be physically restrained from running after me and he is a VERY social child with almost no fears.

TBH it sounds like they're trying to force you out.

I agree with the PP who said try to find a temporary nanny, like a current or just graduated student. But you have to expect there will still be fits when you leave because of the change.

rin89 · June 2014

CinemaGoddess said:

I was reviewing the notes the DCP gave us last month when all of this started.

I really feel like they're trying to place her somewhere on the spectrum.

This is what the notes say:

4/17: Trying to eat stamping ink

4/18: Eating paint off her fingers like frosting

4/16: Threw a fit because she couldn't bring her toy outside

4/17: Had to be physically removed from playing

4/17: Spinning around bed and ignoring teacher during transition to nap time

5/2: eating bubbles

5/6: Having a hard time joining circle time, work time

I just don't see anything there that isn't "handle"able. There is no indication of what steps were taken by the DC staff in response to these things. This is all the notes say.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why they're trying to kick her out because of these items and the tantrums.

As an educator, with several years of experience working with prek kids, this pisss my the fuck off. First of all, not one of these "issues" are developmentally appropriate for a 3/4 year old. Second, these "notes" are woefully inadequate. I would never ever simply write "Had to be physically removed from playing" it doesn't tell the parent anything about the situation or how they might help in preventing it in the future. What was she playing? Who was she with? What time of day was it? What methods were used before staff had to physically remove her?

In all honesty it sounds like lazy/uneducated staff members want the child that requires effort to go away. If she was exhibiting this behavior in February you should have heard about long be these (pathetic) notes in April. You are in no way a bad mom, you are doing everything you can to help your child. But it sounds like DCP is full of shitty, lazzyass, dickwads.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

ClaireFraser said:

I'm not sure if you've said this before, but why did the girls have to be separated? Seems to me that if N is in a class of kids not her age it could have something to do with it.

Also, how long have they been attending this DCP?

Bolded: Because they sometimes pick on each other and try to help each other out in the room if they're together. If N was having an issue with a toy, K would go over and show her how to do it instead of letting her figure it out on her own. We didn't have any problems with the separation because we like the idea of them having their own space and their own friends.

They've been at the DCP for almost a year. They started in August of last year.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

Which problems? The tantrums?

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

katnhiding said:

CinemaGoddess said:

Which problems? The tantrums?

Any and all of them. The tantrums, separation anxiety, the supposed "issues" you've gotten notes on, etc.

No, but they were separated back in October-ish of last year. According to the DCP director, the girls are ok with being separated and even have their own "ritual" for when they say goodbye to each other. Their playground time is also at the same time so they see each other then.

ravenclaw1 · June 2014

That list is piss poor. I can't even take that seriously. I'd want a list of what happened, what they situation/surroundings were, what they did to help, N's reaction, timing (did it take 30 sec or 5 min to calm down), etc

These people owe you more than that garbage.

CinemaGoddess · June 2014

ClaireFraser said:

CinemaGoddess said:

ClaireFraser said:

I'm not sure if you've said this before, but why did the girls have to be separated? Seems to me that if N is in a class of kids not her age it could have something to do with it.

Also, how long have they been attending this DCP?

Bolded: Because they sometimes pick on each other and try to help each other out in the room if they're together. If N was having an issue with a toy, K would go over and show her how to do it instead of letting her figure it out on her own. We didn't have any problems with the separation because we like the idea of them having their own space and their own friends.

They've been at the DCP for almost a year. They started in August of last year.

Okay, that makes sense. How big is the age gap between N and the older kids in her class? I'm wondering if part of her behavior is to make herself seem "bigger" so to speak so that she fits in. I have no idea if that even makes sense, but in my head it does.

Not much. Maybe 6 months?

jorkz821 · June 2014

So many hugs CG. Those notes are not helpful at all! If I'd gotten them, I'd be like "well, ok." then tossed them bc they don't seem like big issues for this age. Hope you get some answers at the meeting later.

KTdidit · June 2014

I'm so sorry, I still don't like the way your DCP is handling things. That list is nothing out of the ordinary for a 3yo. I agree that it sounds like they are trying to force you out for some reason. I'd suggest a room change at the meeting today and see what they say. I know the next 3 weeks will seem to take forever until you get a resolution at your job.

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