Baby Shower Hell

ElaineMOH · June 2014

So, I received an email from an in-law that it is my "place" to put on a baby shower for another family member who I do not get along with. Not wanting to rock the boat, and not feeling it was a battle worth choosing, I agreed. Funny, that the people in the family who traditionally host the showers decided not to touch this one, but now that I am hosting, two of them are full of demands as to what needs to be done. I asked another woman in the family to co-host, and she has agreed. We have received calls re: when to have it, where to have it, who to invite, who not to invite, what the theme HAS to be, what food to serve...you name it. I have deflected the "requests" by saying "thanks for the suggestion...we will let you know what we decide". Now they have decided that my co-host is the weaker link and have concentrated on her, and she is starting to crack. I am ready to tell them I am out, if they are so intent on having their way they can take it over. So not worth the hassle, especially considering the MTB is extremely hard to please and will probably not be appreciative anyway. The latest insult is an email that stated we are basically just "figurehead" hostesses, and the plans should really be up to the family to decide on. Biting my tongue before answering and ultimately burning a couple of bridges - any suggestions on how to deal with this are welcome. What I've been doing isn't working

mommy5point0 · June 2014

Oh my god, poor you, Elaine.

"It sounds like you have a pretty distinct vision of how things should be and my ideas don't really fit into that. I'm contributing $$$ (if you want to) to help with the costs but either way, I am not best suited for this."

Again, the $$ is a BIG if you want to. Because it's inlaws and they're gonna talk shit anyway, it's up to you.

Side note: I was in a similar situation when DH and I were just dating, though not nearly as bad. MIL wanted help planning a shower for SIL, their cousin was hurt she was left out, so we included her. Once that happened, SIL was HEAVILY involved in the planning.

What we ended up with was a diaper raffle & DIY TY addressing among SIL snubbing my gift in front of her friends and telling me basically that I wouldn't ever be considered an aunt.

When she got PG again when that kid was 11 months old, MIL approached me saying "D wants us to throw another shower...." I made myself conveniently unavailable for a 2 month period. I strongly suggest no matter HOW you do this that you back out too and stay far away from the drama.

I will never understand the obligation/entitlement sentiment with something that's supposed to be a gift.

baloneydisc · June 2014

I would tell them you're out. You don't like the MTB, she won't be appreciative and the family is micromanaging everything. Save your sanity and get out. If the family is that upset about it that's their problem and sounds like you're better off without these people in your life anyway.

ElaineMOH · June 2014

Thanks for the replies! We think there has been a falling out between the aunts and cousins somehow and their solution was to have me take on the shower. Seems they are having difficulty relinquishing control or don't quite trust us to do it right (aka "their way"). We are both 40ish women who have successfully thrown showers in the past. I am torn between preserving family harmony for my hubby's sake and telling them to shove it. Hubby says I should meet the next suggestion with "What a good idea! I am going to let you go ahead with that, you obviously are the person to pull that off!" - delegate everything, show up looking gorgeous, and be the "figurehead hostess" while they knock themselves out! Not a bad idea, lol!

VOR · June 2014

This is you DH family? And HE is saying to pass it off? Then do so. Seriously. His family, follow his lead. You aren't going to win either way, TBH. And I'd use this as an opportunity to draw a line. You were picked for a reason. Show them that they may not want to do that again....

MMason12 · June 2014

I would just tell them you no longer feel comfortable hosting and since they have a ton of great ideas they would make the perfect hostess. I wouldn't just be the figure head as your DH suggests because you could be left holding a huge bill for a shower you had no part in planning.

ElaineMOH · June 2014

Small update...I replied to the email after discussing with my co-host, sent it to all parties involved, that we were willing to put on the shower but only if we were left alone to plan the what, when and where. If they were not willing to trust us to do it without their meddling then they would have to take over and plan/host it themselves, or there would be no shower. I told them we were deeply hurt and insulted by the "figurehead" comment and that I personally was ready to pass on the whole thing based on that alone. I also said that I needed an answer by tomorrow, because life is busy and we refuse to waste anymore time on a project they were not going to allow us to follow through on. Kind of blunt but I wanted there to be no doubt about where we stood on the matter. The response will be interesting.

SingleMom31 · June 2014

Please keep us updated on the response(s).

VOR · June 2014

ROck on!! I can't wait to hear what they have to say -- if anything!

mommy5point0 · June 2014

I won't lie.... Dying for an update! Who's with me?

ElaineMOH · June 2014

Sorry, just got in from work, but I do have an update. Received a reply from Family Member #1 (not the "figurehead" woman). She said she didn't realize they had been making us feel that way, she didn't know about the figurehead comment, that she guessed where she herself was concerned it was difficult to give up the reins after so many years of looking after family gatherings, and asked us to contact her if we needed any help at all! AND if we continued to have trouble with FM #2 to let her know and she would "sit her down", lol! She really did come through with a classy response, and she's earned all the more respect for it, in my opinion.

Not a word from FM #2 yet...

ElaineMOH · June 2014

So, FM #2 didn't have the stones to contact us herself, but had FM #1 call co-host to say "whatever, do what you want" basically. Thank you, we will!

VOR · June 2014

Ha.

Crawfish88 · June 2014

elainelbuck!

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