shower issues (kinda long sorry)

amr196 · June 2014

My mom, my sister and my MIL are planning my shower. My mom is a planner (we call her the game planner because she has to have a schedule for everything!) So literally the day after we shared the news she started planning it! She already reserved the church, picked out a cake and games and started a guest list.
So here's my problem she planned it for September 6th! I think that's just kinda early and when I told her I think late late September or October would be better she pretty much told me no. The ONLY reason she wants to have it that early is so my grandmother can make it. My grandparents spend every winter in Az and leave in September. I highly doubt she'll even show up so I don't get why we're planning my shower around her.
Also everyone would have to buy in august and there probably won't be much winter clothes for baby out. All summer stuff still and being due in December I kinda want my baby to be warm!
Uggghhh I would just rather wait an extra month to do it but she won't listen! Any suggestions?

CandEChicago · June 2014

If her biggest argument is your grandmother then I would talk to the grandmother.

Otherwise I am not too opposed to September 6th...what difference does a couple of weeks really make? If you aren't thrilled with the clothes you can return or exchange them (season, style, color, sex, size, etc)...I figure that will happen no mater when the shower is.

We are trying to plan mine around when my mom will actually be in the country since she spends 3 weeks in Ireland every October....then my travel is more restricted come November.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

You can try talking to her once more, but if she stays firm, then you need to drop it. This date works best for her and since she is a host, she has a say in this. This is a gift she is giving to you and just like any other gift, you can't dictate how it is given.

My only other suggestion is perhaps your mom and sister can host a separate shower for just your side of the family, while MIL hosts one ( in Sept) for his side of the family because since they are hosts, they have a say too.

hellopartyof5 · June 2014

I unfortunately think it's pretty much up to her since she' throwing it. However, if you are worried about baby clothes I think there will be plenty of colder weather stuff out since it's usually a season ahead (at least in all other types of clothes... not sure if it's the same in baby clothing).

amr196 · June 2014

@Disneygeek77‌ they originally planned to do two separate but I wasn't too keen on that either
Maybe I just need to stop being so darn picky! Hehe

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Well if they want to do separate ones, then I think you should honor their wishes since it is their time and their money we are talking about.

amr196 · June 2014

nauticallife816 said:
I unfortunately think it's pretty much up to her since she' throwing it. However, if you are worried about baby clothes I think there will be plenty of colder weather stuff out since it's usually a season ahead (at least in all other types of clothes... not sure if it's the same in baby clothing).

Yeah I don't know when they release new seasons for clothes so maybe I'm stressing for nothing

AnonnAni · June 2014

Sorry but I take issue with a few parts of your post….. It’s not a why “we’re planning my shower around her” type thing it’s your mom (sister and MIL) that are planning the shower around your grandmother since you shouldn’t be planning your shower.

And why would your mom not want to plan around her mother? I would assume your grandmother had some sort of hand in knowing you as a child and was excited for your impending birth, and would want to share special occasions with you and your child as well. Planning the shower when she won’t be there is like saying “hey didn’t care too include you at all” your grandmother isn’t a casual acquaintance she is a caring family member.
I can see making sure the date itself doesnt conflict with any plans you have but thats the extent of that conflicting dates not a season you feel is best for you.
And making the statement that “you want your baby to be warm” regarding guests buying you clothes comes across as is you are expecting your shower attendees to be the sole ones supplying the clothing for your child which is your job not theirs. So this isn't something you should be actively concerned with, that’s what exchanges are for if you don’t like or can’t use something exchange it. And I don't mean to harp on you about the semantics, but baby showers (among a lot of other topics) turns into hot topics that span a few boards and how things are stated can go VERY wrong fast.

And totally agree with the PP a baby shower is gift in itself. So being “disappointed” with when someone is planning on giving you “this gift” for whatever reason doesn’t scream appreciation.

Having a shower that early is not unheard of and for the record most stores start to put out the next seasons clothing in July and August either way as a preparation for the fall season.

CandEChicago · June 2014

amr196 said:
@Disneygeek77‌ they originally planned to do two separate but I wasn't too keen on that either
Maybe I just need to stop being so darn picky! Hehe

If this is the case...start picking your battles. Based on what you have told us it sounds like you are particular about the date due to type of baby clothes you may or may not receive.

Your preference (at the moment) does not sound dictated by any other schedule conflicts (weddings, traveling, work, medical, etc).

Both sides of our family have lost our grandmothers with the most recent being this February. I would have loved to have her at my shower and if it meant scheduling a month earlier on a less than preferred day I would have done it just to give her the opportunity to be there. But that might just be me.

ETA - can't type a coherent sentence on my mobile.

amr196 · June 2014

Disneygeek77 said:
Well if they want to do separate ones, then I think you should honor their wishes since it is their time and their money we are talking about.

My reasoning for not wanting to is because our families have never actually been at the same place at the same time. They've never had reason to be and after almost 5 years we both thought it would be nice for them to finally spend some time together. It was no problem though everyone was cool with it

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

With the baby coming, they will have plenty of opportunites to spend time together. Trust me. Just let them plan their won showers. Considering, your MIL seems like the type to take over, I have a feeling that your mom and sister would appreciate doing one of their own.

amr196 · June 2014

I'll take all of your advice into consideration! I appreciate it as now I can see I'm the one getting too worked up over it and its not that big of a deal
Thanks guys!

Cryssteen · June 2014

My opinion is not popular here, but based on the way you're talking about the shower, my guess is our family culture about these things is similar. These things are expected.. just par for course, and not really a "gift" so much because my family doesn't see it that way. Everyone is excited about a baby/bridal shower and everyone helps out and it isn't even a question of whether or not it will happen. The guest of honor is involved as they choose to be. Like, my sister picked the where and when of her bridal shower, and made the guest list. The rest was up to me.

So... I see it as less of a "gift" and more of an "honor" if that makes sense. Because it is about you, I think it is your right to ask you mom to change the date if it isn't suitable for you. That said, while 9/6 is early, who cares? At least you won't feel like a big fat blob... And you never know if you'll go early. My cousin left her shower (6 weeks before her due date) and headed straight for the hospital to deliver her son. Early is probably better anyway. Mine's only 7 weeks before I'm due.... i dunno. My mom is nuts and has planned everything already too.

amr196 · June 2014

@danisgossipgirl‌ I'm really sorry to hear that and sorry for your family's loss! It must have been awful

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

We always do showers in my family too, everyone gets one, but they are always, always considered a gift not a right and just like any gift you can't dictate that gift.

My ILs, give me kitchen towels every year for Christmas. It is expected. Now, I don't need nor want kitchen towels every year, but I would never, ever feel comfortable calling them up and saying " Hey, I know you guys plan on giving me kitchen towels this year, but that won't work for me, I want you to give me a new set of bedsheets, ok." If you wouldn't feel comfortable saying this to your MIL at Christmas than you shouldn't when it comes to a shower. A gift is a gift is a gift.

Now, that being said, I do think they MTB has a say in the date if it conflicts with plans, Doctor's orders or if she feels she will be too uncomfortable. But to have them change the date because you want different stuff, just comes across as tacky to me. Sorry, but it is. Especially since there is a high likelyhood there will be plenty of winter clothes in Sept anyways.

mlee116 · June 2014

I agree with most of the PP's. A shower is a nice thing that someone is doing for you and its kind of unappreciative to say that a date won't work for you just because of what potential gifts you may or may not get. If it were a work/family/travel conflict or something out of your control, it'd be perfectly fine to speak up. But in this case, I'd just let your mom do the shower when she planned it.

As for clothes, you might be surprised. A lot of them will be able to be returned or exchanged and may need to anyways because they're the wrong size or whatever. Also, they can be layered or you might have unseasonable weather. DS was born during one of the warmest winters ever and I was so grateful for all the shortsleeve onesies we got!

mlee116 · June 2014

Plus, an early shower will give you plenty of time to wash things, set them up in the nursery and make necessary returns!

Belle3184 · June 2014

Yeah, I didn't get to choose when I was pregnant with DD. My SIL just gave me a date. Fwiw, there is one advantage to having an early shower. You can see what things you still have to buy after your shower, and you still have plenty of time to make the purchases.

nolanova85 · June 2014

AnonnAni said:
And totally agree with the PP a baby shower is gift in itself. So being “disappointed” with when someone is planning on giving you “this gift” for whatever reason doesn’t scream appreciation.

This. Your mom is gifting you a shower - it's borderline rude to try to dictate the details. As for folks getting you season appropriate clothes...you should never assume that folks will get you anything at all (of course it is unlikely they would show up at a shower without a gift). Be grateful for all of it. Enjoy the shower, even if it's not what you would have planned had you planned it for yourself!

leenieb123 · June 2014

My shower will be the following weekend (9/13 or 9/14) because that's a weekend we were already planning to travel to family (we don't live near anyone) so I didn't want to travel again the next month too. The wrong season clothes didn't even occur to me because I figure I'll be lucky to have a variety of sizes/seasons that something might fit when the baby comes--who knows if it'll be the right size for the right season--And if I don't have the right thing in December, well I guess I'm going shopping. My cousin just had a baby two weeks ago and he's already in 9 month outfits. Because he was huge. Which is why I gave her summer clothes in 3, 6, 9 and 12 months as a shower gift since you never know.

Eora3 · June 2014

I am betting the winter clothes will be out by September anyway. I would just ask your mom to remind the guests that you will need warm clothes for the new little one. Make a registry (no one will actually look at it, but do it anyway) and have your mom include that info with the invitations.

As to the ladies freaking out about the shower being a "gift", clearly this grandma is doing it for herself more than the mother-to-be if she won't even consider changing the date for the guest of honor. Please remember that a lot of future grandmas are more than happy to steal the spot light and be prima donnas. Having a grand baby and throwing a shower doesn't make you a saint.

allfalldown14 · June 2014

Honestly, I agree what difference does a few weeks make? Also, when it comes down to it -- yay! A shower! People that love you and want to spoil your baby. Not everyone has that. I hope it turns out exactly how you want it, though!

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Eora3 said:

I am betting the winter clothes will be out by September anyway. I would just ask your mom to remind the guests that you will need warm clothes for the new little one. Make a registry (no one will actually look at it, but do it anyway) and have your mom include that info with the invitations. As to the ladies freaking out about the shower being a "gift", clearly this grandma is doing it for herself more than the mother-to-be if she won't even consider changing the date for the guest of honor. Please remember that a lot of future grandmas are more than happy to steal the spot light and be prima donnas. Having a grand baby and throwing a shower doesn't make you a saint.

OP, please don't do this. It is one thing to add a registry on the invitations because it is a list of suggestions, but to dictate that people get you winter clothes is simply not polite. What if I wanted to get her a pretty spring dress for a 6 month old ? I would feel like I would be put in a awkward position and I wouldn't appreciate being told how to spend my own money either. Especially since ya know...this is a gift not an entitlement.

And yes, it is certainly possible for someone to host a shower out of the kindness of their hearts and still put limits on the date. I mean come on, we are talking about prioritizing a grandmother over clothing. I don't blame the MIL one bit and I would be mortified if I told my hosts to have it on another date in order to manipulate the guests into getting me more specific gifts.

Besides, the guests aren't morons. Give them some credit. They aren't going to be giving you summer newborn clothes to wear in the middle of winter.

ALHickok1 · June 2014

I think September is fine. Honestly, I don't know about you guys but where I'm from swimsuits come out in February and are packed up or clearanced in July, fall/winter clothes are put on the rack in August.

nesenotes · June 2014

Echoing what everyone else has said, an early shower means more time to assess what you still need. Honestly I got zero items from my registry. Expect people to buy whatever the hell they want. Most times that's clothes, toys, and shoes. But hey its free so I don't complain.

AnonnAni · June 2014

Pretty much the same here fall stuff is getting ready to hit the rack and summer stuff goes on clearance. And OP please do NOT dictate what you "want" from your guests in tour invitation!

AnonnAni · June 2014

@katehgee‌ im from the camp of not unless your asked specifically for some input about what they are planning otherwise might come across like you think what they have in mind somehow wasnt good enough for you even though that may not be the case. And maybe they know you well enough to know you wouldnt want that.

CandEChicago · June 2014

katehgee said:
I have an etiquette question. Is it rude to politely request the type of shower you want? I'm very close with my mom and sister, who are the ones throwing the shower. I really hate all baby shower games. Can I request that the shower is a simple (and game-less) one?

I am a little mixed on this and wish i had a copy of emily post. I have been to a couple of showers where there were multiple games going on to the point it was out right annoying. My initial reaction as guest of honor might be, "ok thank you for offerring to throw me a shower but so you know I really dislike games." You have stated the preference up front and it is up to them to honor it. You might have to give up some ground and compromise on one or two less annoying game options

Now if you are demanding a certain style of shower (tea party, seated luncheon vs pot luck, back yard BBQ) that is tricky unless they are soliciting your thoughts.

That is my thought and I know I wouldn't be offended if someone preferred there be no games. I am interested in other people's responses.

frenchy816 · June 2014

My shower is August 9th for family reasons as well. I'm excited because my 2 showers are going to be separate from each other. Personally, I'm hoping people stay away from the clothes and get us the stuff we really need.

I agree with PPs about having your mom remind everyone that you will need warm clothes, or you can always return things and get what you really need afterwards.

MaineMama · June 2014

Have you ever tried to buy a bathing suit after July? Its impossible.

Where I live, the stores will have Christmas crap out by September. I'm sure they will have baby sweaters too.

Unknown · June 2014

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frenchy816 · June 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

frenchy816 said:

My shower is August 9th for family reasons as well. I'm excited because my 2 showers are going to be separate from each other. Personally, I'm hoping people stay away from the clothes and get us the stuff we really need.

I agree with PPs about having your mom remind everyone that you will need warm clothes, or you can always return things and get what you really need afterwards.

Lurking...but you do realize that your baby needs clothes, right? I mean, in the beginning I was changing outfits like 2-3, sometimes even 4, times a day because of puke and leaks, etc. The laundry is, well, a lot.

Yes, I realize I need clothes, I only have a few on my registry b/c I know people buy them anyway, but I do need other stuff too and I'm hoping some people will not go for clothes. Besides I know I can get away with onesies and layettes and PJs for a few months anyway. I already have a good stash of clothes people have given me as well.

CandEChicago · June 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

frenchy816 said:

My shower is August 9th for family reasons as well. I'm excited because my 2 showers are going to be separate from each other. Personally, I'm hoping people stay away from the clothes and get us the stuff we really need.

I agree with PPs about having your mom remind everyone that you will need warm clothes, or you can always return things and get what you really need afterwards.

Lurking...but you do realize that your baby needs clothes, right? I mean, in the beginning I was changing outfits like 2-3, sometimes even 4, times a day because of puke and leaks, etc. The laundry is, well, a lot.

--------quote block fail---------------
I think she might have meant that not all the guests are solely giving clothing. I have been to those showers where everything was clothing. I have also heard from friends and coworkers that clothes were all they received (which was annoying), but they returned them for store credit and bought some of the other registry items (high chair, car seat, etc.).

@frenchy816‌ - don't want to put words in your mouth so correct me if I am wrong.

frenchy816 · June 2014

@CandEChicago You are correct, thank you for helping me explain myself clearly b/c I apparently can't do that today...long day of giving and grading exams.

Unknown · June 2014

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AnonnAni · June 2014

Bliss+Berry said:
Yeah, apparently you also missed the memo that as the parents, it's kind of your responsibility to buy what your baby needs.

A registry is simply a list of things you plan on purchasing for your baby if someone needs or wants ideas on what to give you, it's by no means a mandate.

Alllllllll of this!!! I think a lot of people miss the point the shower isn't about what you NEED but what others are nice enough to provide.

frenchy816 · June 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

Yeah, apparently you also missed the memo that as the parents, it's kind of your responsibility to buy what your baby needs.

A registry is simply a list of things you plan on purchasing for your baby if someone needs or wants ideas on what to give you, it's by no means a mandate.

I realize that and I will (and can) get what we need. I was just pointing out that if people want to be generous and give us gifts at my shower it would be nice not to receive all clothes. I was responding to OPs statement of wanting warm clothing. I am actually looking at my showers as a time to hang out with my family. My mom specifically planned it in August so that my cousins who are from out of town can come and all my family members who go to college can come and hang out.

Before you jump down my throat about a comment about clothing, you should probably know, that I told my mom this weekend she could cancel the shower b/c my dad lost his job this week (she still is having it but that was her choice). I don't care about this stuff, I would rather see my family happy and healthy. They're mostly extra clothes and stuff that I can do without.

frenchy816 · June 2014

I don't want to hijack OPs post (sorry OP) therefore I'm done with this. I'm sorry if I conveyed the wrong message in my answer to her; I just wanted to assure her that it's ok to have an early shower. I have tried to clarify, but I have had a horrible few days (in my work/family life) and need to step away.

Csltdk · June 2014

frenchy816 said:

Bliss+Berry said:

Yeah, apparently you also missed the memo that as the parents, it's kind of your responsibility to buy what your baby needs.

A registry is simply a list of things you plan on purchasing for your baby if someone needs or wants ideas on what to give you, it's by no means a mandate.

I realize that and I will (and can) get what we need. I was just pointing out that if people want to be generous and give us gifts at my shower it would be nice not to receive all clothes. I was responding to OPs statement of wanting warm clothing. I am actually looking at my showers as a time to hang out with my family. My mom specifically planned it in August so that my cousins who are from out of town can come and all my family members who go to college can come and hang out.

Before you jump down my throat about a comment about clothing, you should probably know, that I told my mom this weekend she could cancel the shower b/c my dad lost his job this week (she still is having it but that was her choice). I don't care about this stuff, I would rather see my family happy and healthy. They're mostly extra clothes and stuff that I can do without.

So you hope people don't buy you clothes but rather get you the "stuff you need" and now you don't care about this stuff at all.

Seems legit

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

I guess I'm going to seem insane. My best friend is moving to across the country at the end of September for school so we are having one in late August or early September so she can come. I'm sure some will think it's too early (probably is) but so what? It's a gift from her mom and I'm just glad for whatever friends and family want to come celebrate with me.

I haven't even thought to worry about the clothes that will be available. I figure most of the clothes they give me won't last for very long anyway as babies grow so fast. Or they'll be more on the side of impractical and cute instead of really useful (like 100 long-sleeved onesies). People love buying baby clothes and I bet my MIL will buy a bunch even after the baby is here (she already sent me maternity wear that she found on sale). IMO, there are a lot of other items I want/need a lot more. But really, my sister had a baby in April with a baby shower in March and her MIL somehow got her a Christmas outfit, so really people will get what they get.

Edit: clarification, words are hard

Smalldl · June 2014

Honestly, I'd just be happy that someone would throw me a baby shower to begin with, without me doing all the planning and set up and paying for it. Which I did do with my first.
As for clothes, that's an easy thing to exchange, the date even better if its early rather then later, what if you planned it for when you were 8 months and oops baby decides to come early? Earlier means you can go through the stuff and exchange duplicates and finalize what you don't need and what you still do.

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