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November 2014 Moms
spanking (my poll making skills suck)
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Re: spanking (my poll making skills suck)
Also, I think it should be considered that sometimes we have automatic/spontaneous reactions. We use positive training methods for our dogs as I believe hitting is not the best way to train/correct a dog. I love our dogs and do my absolute best to spoil them and give them the best care possible. However, when we added a one year old puppy, she once got into something bad, once completely surprised me with a bite trying to get me to play, and I shocked myself by smacking her. Not hard, but it happened before I even realized what I was doing. I felt awful, however I've had to remind myself no one is perfect and we make mistakes. I
Regarding the adults not getting spanked as a form of punishment, I don't feel it's a valid argument. An adult is, generally, capable of listening to, comprehending, and responding to warnings, instructions, corrections and reasoning. A young child does not have the same capacity and should be/needs to be treated differently. That doesn't mean you have to spank by any means. But say this baby at 2 years old manages to find themselves in a dangerous situation unexpectedly, I won't throw myself over a bridge if I give them a smack on the butt.
Obviously it's not okay to abuse anyone, particularly a defenseless child. That being said, I don't think a rare, non-bruising, smack on the butt as a form of punishment in response to a dangerous situation qualifies. And I don't think it should be outlawed since even the best, well meaning, parent with no intention of spanking could end up doing it once unintentionally.
Based on that knowledge, we didn't want to spank our kiddos. Not having spanking as an option did allow us to develop other discipline techniques we may not have otherwise.
I still think that spanking can have is place when used appropriately as discipline. My parents were excellent examples of this and never once crossed a line with it. With all that being said, I may use spanking someday. I may not. Despite having some pretty tough kiddos at times, I don't ever recall thinking that I would have an easier time resolving an issue if I could resort to spanking.
With my son (just turned 3), I do "time ins" where when he's being a real PITA (repeatedly hitting or screaming at DH and I) I basically plop his butt down and sit right next to him while he cries and gets his feelings out. I tell him he needs to "rest his body" (they use this phrase at day care). I don't just put him in a corner and walk away (time OUT). I sit next to him (time IN) to show him that I'm there to help him get through it. When he's calm enough, I acknowledge the fact that he is upset about having to rest his body and I talk about why I had him sit down and what he could have done differently. Depending on the situation, sometimes I'll give him a chance to try it again the right way.
ETA: As he gets older I will probably move more toward taking away privileges/toys as a consequence. I don't plan on sitting next to my teenager while he pouts.
DH wasn't spanked, and my mom only spanked me once. I was 14 and being a smartass, and she smacked my ass as I walked by. I turned around and hit her back, lol. That put an end to that.
With my son (just turned 3), I do "time ins" where when he's being a real PITA (repeatedly hitting or screaming at DH and I) I basically plop his butt down and sit right next to him while he cries and gets his feelings out. I tell him he needs to "rest his body" (they use this phrase at day care). I don't just put him in a corner and walk away (time OUT). I sit next to him (time IN) to show him that I'm there to help him get through it. When he's calm enough, I acknowledge the fact that he is upset about having to rest his body and I talk about why I had him sit down and what he could have done differently. Depending on the situation, sometimes I'll give him a chance to try it again the right way.
ETA: As he gets older I will probably move more toward taking away privileges/toys as a consequence. I don't plan on sitting next to my teenager while he pouts.
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I still do this with DD, and it's worked well for us. But sometimes, time away is necessary for both parties. Maybe its more of a mental break for parent rather than "time to think" about poor behavior for a toddler, but still effective to then have "time in."
It's good to learn to remove yourself from escalated situations rather than staying in the heat of the moment, IMO. This applies to adult relationships too!
You're right, though, it is more effective than placing them alone and not revisiting the situation.
...and I said I wouldn't get into this too much
Edit quote fail
Time outs basically leave your child all alone when they need you the most.
Although as I said earlier, I do agree with time outs for furious parents. When you feel like you are ready to lose it sometimes you just need 2 minutes locked in the bathroom to get YOUR shit together. Then you do the time in.
As for little ones not being able to listen to, comprehend, and respond to warnings, instructions, corrections and reasoning... I respectfully disagree. Sure you need to frame it in a simpler way, but they aren't stupid. There ARE ways to reason with children. Even when they are losing it. (ie, time ins... removing them from the situation that is aggravating them... giving them a damn hug. Slugging a kid fulfills MY NEED to unleash my rage. It does NOT fulfill any of their needs. Please note I said their needs, not wants. I will not indulge a child's tantrum because they want ice cream. But I will change their location, perhaps acknowledge their desire... Maybe explain that mom just has to say no sometimes, then give them something else to focus on.)
And....
If consenting adults want to enjoy some kinky spanking, go for it. :P
=D> You might be my new Bump crush.
Spanking is not for DH and I - we were both spanked, I think there were definitely times where a line was crossed with me, and I know the same is true for DH. I don't judge a parent who spanks for punishment, I have friends who believe in it, and to my knowledge they're not violent about it. With punishments, I think you have progressively be able to teach your child to understand consequences, and I don't think spanking provides an opportunity for deeper learning as they grow. It teaches fear (and sometimes not fear of repeating the behavior, but getting caught) and humiliation. That's not the same thing as teaching your child right from wrong.
The other issue is (and FTMs will discover this too) - little precious is going to do some things that make your head want to explode. So I think spanking in the heat of the moment out of anger is pretty common, and unless you can wait to do it until you calm down, you're doing it more for a release for yourself than to teach your child a lesson. Plus, depending on an adult's temperament, there is a danger in losing control. This does not teach a child to control anger in a positive way which is an important life-lesson.
My experience with the toddler stage is their sense of justice is formed by you - and their little minds apply it across the board to everyone. We do time-outs and/or he loses a privilege - like a favorite toy. DS has told us he is putting us in time-out and he has taken my iphone before when he sees something that he thinks is punishable behavior (like raising my voice in the house). They are little imitators so yes, there is a decent chance that they will hit if they see some sort of injustice - that can mean they might hit you, or a friend at school. It's hard to teach that hitting is wrong when you spank - especially when they're young. Picking something now that is progressive as they grow - time-out now, groundings later. Losing a toy now for a few hours, losing something more important for a longer period of time when they're older makes more sense to us. You can't really give them a light spanking at 3 and beat the crap out of them when they're 13 (well you can but who wants to do that).
That said, kids are all different. Some are more defiant than others. DS is pretty sensitive, sometimes just telling him he hurt mommy's feelings when he does something wrong is enough for him to sit himself down and cry his little eyes out - he feels bad about that. I've seen some of my friends' kids laugh at that concept and think it's funny.
Fear is necessary as well - I don't spank because I don't want my child to fear me - but I have no problem telling him harshly that if he jets into a parking lot or away from me that he'll get hurt or a stranger will take him and he'll never see us again. I have had people side-eye me because it scares the crap out of him and he cries hysterically for a few minutes. But you know what, he's pretty good at holding my hand and doesn't dare try and jet across the street himself. He hold my hand and says what I've told him "you've got to hold an adults hand because a car can get you and then you won't see your mommy anymore." I'm fine with this sort of fear if it is effective at keeping him safe.
and...
:-*