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December 2014 Moms
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  • caden1206caden1206 member
    desireeariel said:


    caden1206 said:

    desireeariel said:


    caden1206 said:

    She has snapped at most of you for just trying to help her. I don't thinks she is worth any more energy. You guys tried to help her and she obviously doesn't want it. My guess is she wants sympathy, not really perspective.

    If by sympathy you mean support than yes I wanted support. Not all the responses were judgy and condescending but most were. I appreciate the help. It is my fault for not explaining better.. 
    Pretty sure I just wrote sympathy. You really owe most of these girls an apology. They were all trying to help you.


    I know you wrote sympathy... but I was correcting your accusation :) 
    but being told I disrespect my SO by several responses off of what I said was irrelevant and rude... So I apologize to the ladies that were actually being supportive and helpful that were put in the mix...


    Accusation? For real? You might just want to move on.

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  • desireearieldesireeariel member
    CandEChicago said:
    Not sure when you just retitled the post, but re-titling it to "I just want this post to go away"  is only going to bring more attention to it then the original title "SO out late" -- or somehing like that. 

    Just a thought... since you aren't looking for advice. 


    well i didnt know what else to do... I'm just embarrassed and panicked 
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  • JunkieBrewsterJunkieBrewster member
    desireeariel said:
    IamInigoMontoya said:
    I said rule not rules thats why its quoted the second time. jesus.
    I know it's hard but try not to get defensive. I think what people are trying to say is that how you say things is important. So if you are using words like rules, etc. He may feel like you are trying to control him. Whereas if you approach it more as a conversation about how it makes you feel and agreeing on expectations that work for both of you, he may receive it better. For what it's worth, I don't think your expectations are unreasonable.
    Just because I wrote to you guys saying rules does not mean I said it to him like that. It is hard to not get defensive because people are bringing things I didn't even mention into this discussion. No where did I say this is how I presented the conversation or share it with him. I did not anywhere in my original post tell HOW I requested him to be home at a certain time. All I wanted to know was how other women handle the situation and I have been construed as acting like his "mommy" and disrespectful.
    You can't come in here and say "rule" then get pissed off when people respond based on your use of the word "rule".
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  • CandEChicagoCandEChicago member
    desireeariel said:
    CandEChicago said:
    Not sure when you just retitled the post, but re-titling it to "I just want this post to go away"  is only going to bring more attention to it then the original title "SO out late" -- or somehing like that. 

    Just a thought... since you aren't looking for advice. 


    well i didnt know what else to do... I'm just embarrassed and panicked 
    Re-Title it back. Otherwise you are calling more attention to this.  Also... take a chance to step away and get some water/lunch.  I understand you might be embarrassed and panicked, but it will allow you a chance to regroup a little.  What matters the most is how you bounce back when you are embarrassed and panicked.

     (Or that is what I would do).


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  • kayak11kayak11 member
    I think the ladies have given great suggestions based on the information given. The most important thing is to talk to your SO about how his staying out makes you feel and expectations you have once the baby arrives.
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  • allonsyalonsoallonsyalonso member
    @desireeariel‌ I think it's reasonable to ask that he be home by a certain time, and it may honestly take some time before he warms up to the idea of being a daddy. My husband was 34 when we had our first and was freaked out at first, I can't imagine if he was 19.

    It's hard, but try not to stress too much. I've seen great guys become assholes while their SOs were pregnant and became the most amazing partners when their baby gets here.

    FWIW, milkshakes always make me feel better. :)
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  • CandEChicagoCandEChicago member
    edited June 2014
    BankerBSN said:
    I had banana pancakes for breakfast today. DH is now off to a brewery and I have no idea what time he will be home, and frankly, I don't even care.
    @BankerBSN - Yeah but I don't think your DH is 19 yo.  Plus if he is a Chicago boy we know they can handle themselves.  ;)



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  • desertsundesertsun member
    desireeariel said:
    achickpea said:
    While I agree with PP that a lot of the responses you got were really supportive already, I'll throw my two cents in if you'll have them. In my experience, the relationship I was in when I was 20 was really hard. We were both trying to figure out who we were and what our place in the world was. I can't imagine throwing a baby into that mix. We didn't last. I have a lot of respect for young moms, kudos to you! However, I've found that the number one way to cause trouble in a relationship is to tell your partner what to do. I'm not saying he should be staying out all night because he shouldn't be. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my husband and I know what we expect from each other and respect what we know the other's limits are. It took some work to get to that point. Ultimately, I'm sorry that this is something you're dealing with and I hope it gets better.
    I tried to give credit where it was due but for some reason I cannot get my point across very well today. Ultimately (which I didnt explain before) is that I live literally surrounded by bars so I get really worried that something may happen to him. Of course he is 19 and thinks he is invincible ugh. Thank you so much :) thats the part I struggle with.. like is it worse to ask him to be home at a certain time and put a strain on the relationship or let him be out all hours and something happen to him and be by myself with this baby for the rest of my life. << I guess thats why I got defensive when people were responding saying I was treating him without respect and like a mommy (which isnt there fault and I am sorry). Thanks for your advice despite my snapping at others...
     
    I think people were trying to help you find a way to express your concern WITHOUT coming across like you're your SO's mommy. HE may feel like you are being controlling if you just say, "Be home by 1 am." 

    But if you say, "I am worried about something happening to you and being left as a single mom. Becoming a parent is really scary, and I want to be able to talk with you about our roles and responsibilities." THAT is completely different and should elicit a different response.

    Try to find a compromise that works for you and for him. For example, if he is only out past midnight 1-2 times a week, that would be a lot less worrying for you. Or if he takes a taxi instead of walking through the neighborhood. That kind of thing. Ask him for ideas and suggestions. I find people often follow through on their own ideas better because they feel more in control and less like they're being controlled by others. KWIM?

    Good luck!



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  • ColeyCannoliColeyCannoli member
    Am I the only one that kicks their SO out on occasion? I've been out of work since we moved and my DH works from home and neither of us have made many friends here yet. So we are together all. The. Time. It's starting to drive me nuts. I've caught myself saying, "you should take a guy night... or week..." (I love him, I'm just too introverted for this situation)

    Anyways, sorry that you're having trouble OP. Every relationship is different and will require different compromises. It might be a while before it really clicks in his head that he is no longer a kid but a Father. And that might freak him out a little. All you can do is talk it out.
    Your other friend, though? That does not sound healthy. Trying to have that much control over another adult is bound to backfire. You should show her how it's done by having a loving relationship where he does things for you out of respect and not obligation.
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  • LinziLoo09LinziLoo09 member
    desireeariel said:
    emsrdh03 said:
    emsrdh03 said:
    I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.
    I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.
    Well actually you said your one "rule" was be home by 1:30. So those were your words not mine. And as NandaB mentioned a big question is whether or not this is new behavior, because if it's not then he may not see the big deal and why all of a sudden he has to change. Maybe have another talk with him since the behavior hasn't changed and see if you can compromise. Let him know your concerns for how it's going to be once the baby is here.
    Do you not understand what plural is? rule vs rules... so yes your words not mine thanks though.
    I think you're getting really hung up on semantics, and you're missing out on some really positive and helpful feedback. Who cares about "rules" vs "rule" or whether any rule-making was involved, period?! The point is that you both are not on the same page about things, and you need to have a constructive conversation to discuss how you can be a responsible couple in parenting this baby. 

    From my experience, guys (and people in general) don't change for other people --- they do it to benefit themselves. He's not going to respond well to your request if he doesn't understand the reasons behind it and buy into those reasons. And when it comes down to it, it's hard to have hard-and-fast rules about things like when you get home at night. My husband and I just keep in contact to let each other know what we're doing and when we think we'll be home. Some nights it's early, and some nights it's later. But we keep each other informed.

    It's probably also complicating things that you're both so young. It's so hard to settle down and come home early when you're in your early 20's. I'd definitely want to discuss all of this with him (and maybe even with a counselor) so you can best prepare to parent as a couple once the baby is born.
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  • caden1206caden1206 member
    ColeyCannoli said:

    Am I the only one that kicks their SO out on occasion? I've been out of work since we moved and my DH works from home and neither of us have made many friends here yet. So we are together all. The. Time. It's starting to drive me nuts. I've caught myself saying, "you should take a guy night... or week..." (I love him, I'm just too introverted for this situation)

    Anyways, sorry that you're having trouble OP. Every relationship is different and will require different compromises. It might be a while before it really clicks in his head that he is no longer a kid but a Father. And that might freak him out a little. All you can do is talk it out.
    Your other friend, though? That does not sound healthy. Trying to have that much control over another adult is bound to backfire. You should show her how it's done by having a loving relationship where he does things for you out of respect and not obligation.

    You are definitely not alone. I tell mine to go out all the time. I love him to death, but time apart is good for us.
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  • angeladowns1angeladowns1 member
    He just sounds young. It sounds like an immaturity issue to me. When my husband was younger and we were dating like 5 years ago, I experienced something somewhat similar with him. He had to be the one to decide to be responsible and present and my bitterness only caused mutual resentment. I would have a talk with him, because it sounds like it might be a deeper underlying issue.
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  • colliebabecolliebabe member
    My husband goes out whenever he wants until whatever time, as long as he tells me when he is going so we don't make plans on the same night. Now that I'm pregnant I rarely want to go out with my friends, so him going out means I can dominate the TV with as many episodes of OITNB as I want.

    I think the other ladies gave you great advice about having a talk with your SO.
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  • EmuTaviEmuTavi
    @ColeyCannoli‌ , MH and I have had many heated discussions about him NEEDING to get some guy friends because he needs to leave me be once in a while.

    OP - I have dates this guy. It didn't turn out well but I also is not know how to communicate. I would agree with other people that parameters need to be discussed. I recently read an article recommending use if the word "can" and "could" during these discussions so the men think that they have a choice. I would request keeping nights out to a minimum (maybe 2-3 nights a week right now and down to 1 or 2 once LO is here?) and ask if he CAN please keep in touch via text if you feel that need. I wish I could have given my younger self this advice instead of getting upset but, he IS young and as other people said, baby is not real to him just yet. Best of luck to you!
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  • MaggieN2028MaggieN2028 member
    Oh in a couple years you'll tell him to go away and do something, I love when my DH leaves me alone to do my own thing.

    I agree with a PP, he sounds young. Things are going to have to turn around once your LO arrives. I'd just have a conversation with him. I don't tell DH what to do, and that means he doesn't tell me what to do. There just needs to be an understanding.


    And for what it's worth...no one here was mean to you, no one said anything that you should have been upset at. Every response was trying to give you perspective of others' relationships. You may want to reevaluate what forum you visit if you did not like these responses.
                                                    


                                                          

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  • brittandjpbrittandjp member

    Good job @CandEChicgo on the QFP.

    OP, you are both still SO young. The likelihood of you getting your boyfriend to change his ways, especially when his life is really just beginning, is incredibly unlikely. Just wait until he's old enough to go out to the bars!

    I do think that as your partner and father of your unborn child, he does need to be respectful. If he says he's going to be home by a time, I think he should be near that time. If he tells you he's going one place, I think he should honor that. I would highly recommend you do not give him rules. You made an adult decision to have a baby (unplanned or not, you made the choice to jump in the sack), you need to treat him like an adult. You are not his mother. Trying to tie him down is only going to make him push the envelope further and further until it REALLY blows up in your face.

    Communicate. Be respectful. Act like adults.

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  • possitivethoughtspossitivethoughts member
    Communication, communication, communication... It is what makes a relationship last.

    Both of you are really young and you have to remember that most men mature so much slower than women. So while you feel you are responsible and mature and ready for this life changing event, perhaps he is having a hard time accepting that he is no longer a single guy. He is becoming a father and because of his age, he just needs to get the late night hanging out episodes out of his system before the baby comes.

    My own personal experience, I was the young one in our marriage, I was 18 and he was 27. He was so mature and I was a total child! I took everything to extremes, specially if he would tell me that going out late was no longer appropriate now that I was a married woman. And to be honest, when he would go out.. I was simply insecure. That was my problem. Insecurity. So our solution? Communication. It took some time to work it out... But we did. We compromised.

    It takes time, patience, communication and dedication to make a relationship work.

    I can tell you its not going to be easy... And if you guys hang in there and really want to commit to this relationship, it is going to take a lot of work... But it can be done ...

    Best of luck to you
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  • feeshahfeeshah member
    Doesn't want advice...but wants perspective. Soo just tell her your stories but not tips on how to make the situation better??
    Mad when she get perspective and really really valuable advice.
    Maybe she wasn't happy with all the "my SO goes out and I don't really get angry or mad"

    When I was 18 I got married to another 18 year old. I was pregnant by 19. This fool did whatever he wanted because he was an asshole and I was too insecure to leave. I would get mad and be upset. We would fight and I would cry. I would try to talk about how I felt and he promised he would change but never did of course because he was freaking 19 years old.
    We seperated about a year after my daughter was born and got devorced. He was a terrible husband but he was an ok dad.

    I am older now and remarried to a wonderful man. He isn't big on going out but he does a few times a month. He has introduced me to all his beer drinking buddies and they seem cool. I have no problem that has has guy time. I call them Man Dates. I don't like when he is out past when he said he'd be back. He's only done that like three times. I give him a glaring look and he already knows I'm pissed. But I don't hold it against him. He'll call me pretty and get me ice cream and I'm good. Because when all is said and done I truely TRUST him with every bone in my body.

    BTW: only reason I opened this post was because of the Title.

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  • DoctorWorm222DoctorWorm222 member
    I get where you're coming from, OP. You're young,  freaking out about a new baby (as every expecting mom does), AND you're alone a lot on top of it. I'm sorry your situation is a little shitty right now. I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable.

    My family has a history of alcoholism, as does DH's, so drinking always makes me nervous. I'm pretty hard on DH when it comes to being back at a reasonable time with a reasonable level of sobriety -- I don't know if I'll ever get better or more relaxed. Fortunately, DH was willing to take it down a notch (a BIG notch) for the sake of our relationship and my sanity. Of course he's 10+ years older than your boyfriend and may have had a very different reaction at 19.

    Like others have said, expecting him to be up and productive at a decent hour may help your cause. My kid wakes up at the butt-crack of dawn no matter what I did the previous night, so you can bet your arse DH and I are both in bed at a reasonable time. "Little Napoleon" waits for no man when its time for breakfast.
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  • AngelSong76AngelSong76 member
    I also opened the post because of the title.  It's really just asking for people to come in.  

    I feel for you, OP.  I was married at 19 and it was so hard.  I didn't understand how to communicate with my husband about things like this, so it always ended up in an argument. Because he felt I was trying to tell him what to do.  We eventually ended up getting a divorce because he had an affair.  His primary justification for cheating on me was that I was "too controlling" because I tried to impose "rules" about when he should be at home.  So I have some experience with this.  As previous posters have said, you have to approach this subject carefully.  

    Your lives are going to change, even more than you think they are.  Trust me, DH and I are in our 30s and we had no idea how much things would change when our son was born, and how long it would take for us to adjust to our new normal.  It takes compromise and maturity and LOTS of honest and respectful communication to be good parents and maintain a good relationship.  It's a lot of very hard work, but is completely worth it.

    I don't think anyone was mean to you on this thread.  Not at all - have you seen some of the other threads on here?  You haven't even experienced any real snark here - just people giving their honest opinions and some great advice.

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  • AngelSong76AngelSong76 member
    Duckie419 said:
    Goddamn your name! It makes me sing that song every single time!! All I need is a saxophone to play me in! 
    Me too, Duckie491.  Me too.  ;)

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  • desireearieldesireeariel member
    WhoCanItBeNow said:
    The only thing that screams "READ ME NOW!!!!" more than this is a post with a title of ".".

    OP- you have received a ton of good advice. And instead of heeding it like an adult, you are stomping your feet and acting like a child. It's time to grow up and start acting like one in your relationship as well. 

    At this point I really don't care what the post screams it has been over 12 hours and apologies have been put forth. Considering this is a board of pregnant women I am surprised a lot of you are more focused on scolding my emotional behavior rather then relating or just backing off... I was on my work computer earlier and I did miss a lot of good advice in the moment because I was focused on the negative. I definitely realize that. Sorry if I am not allowed to be frustrated with people twisting my words? I treat my SO with the utmost respect and earlier this morning I missed a lot of detail because I didn't think about the possible miscommunication it could cause later.. I should have been a lot more specific. Considering you weren't even part of this OP I don't see why you felt you had to knock me down even further when I haven't done anything to you... you're basically stooping down to the level you think I am at... But I wish you a healthy pregnancy, good luck and goodnight...
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  • LaxMOM44LaxMOM44 member
    desireeariel said:


    WhoCanItBeNow said:

    The only thing that screams "READ ME NOW!!!!" more than this is a post with a title of ".".

    OP- you have received a ton of good advice. And instead of heeding it like an adult, you are stomping your feet and acting like a child. It's time to grow up and start acting like one in your relationship as well. 


    At this point I really don't care what the post screams it has been over 12 hours and apologies have been put forth. Considering this is a board of pregnant women I am surprised a lot of you are more focused on scolding my emotional behavior rather then relating or just backing off... I was on my work computer earlier and I did miss a lot of good advice in the moment because I was focused on the negative. I definitely realize that. Sorry if I am not allowed to be frustrated with people twisting my words? I treat my SO with the utmost respect and earlier this morning I missed a lot of detail because I didn't think about the possible miscommunication it could cause later.. I should have been a lot more specific. Considering you weren't even part of this OP I don't see why you felt you had to knock me down even further when I haven't done anything to you... you're basically stooping down to the level you think I am at... But I wish you a healthy pregnancy, good luck and goodnight...

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  • LaxMOM44LaxMOM44 member
    edited June 2014
    Psst guise, guise....do you think she is going to post somewhere else about how to make rules for people responding on a BMB?

    ETA: just read the apology....oops that's what I get for jumping to the last page. Sorry OP.
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  • desireearieldesireeariel member
    LimaBeanMOM Thank you :)
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  • desireearieldesireeariel member
    chayshay1408 said:
    I am going to throw my 2 cents in because I was you over 6 years ago. 
    My ex and I were both 20 and living together, both of us extremely immature and not even ready to handle the task that was coming...parenting. He went out all the time, never kept in contact, never came home when he said. Instead of letting him be himself and handle this extremely huge adjustment that was about to come his way I was the controlling psychotic bitch. I tried to make 'rules', I called him 20 times wondering where the hell he was when he didn't come home when he was supposed to.
    Now granted, he should have manned up and respected some of my wishes, my behavior just pushed him farther away. 
    Want to know what happened? 
    He ended up leaving me for my 10 yrs older, very married friend when our son was a month old. I found out they were sleeping together while I was still pregnant.
    I am not saying my behavior caused this to happen (he made this decision on his own), but I know that handling our situation the way I did did NOT help us at all. He needed time to come to terms with what was happening in our life without having me bark at him all the time. 
    He and her are now married with a newborn baby, we co parent very very well together and honestly we probably wouldn't have worked even without the crazy and the cheating. But you cannot control him. He's still an immature child. Let him have his space. I am not saying he'll leave or cheat on you like my situation but I would really like to see you take the mature high road. Hopefully he will come around for you. Parenting when you are this young is NOT an easy task. 
    Good luck. 
    Omg... well I am sorry that happened to you, that was probably very emotionally damaging at the time...
    My SO isn't avoiding reality when he goes out. He is very excited. At this point we have discussed it further and our compromise is that he can stay out till whenever but he has to tell me before hand when to expect him home and stick to it. Last night it was put to the test and he was back early!
    Thank you for sharing your experience, It is definitely something I will keep in the back of my mind incase this issue comes back up. 
    Good luck!
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