.

desireeariel

keliaqt

It depends because really? Who wants to give their man a curfew? I don't try that with my husband but If he gets home at 4 am after a night out with the boys, I don't want to hear him bitching the next morning when he has to be at work at 9.

britgil89

I think adults shouldn't need a curfew, as they should be responsible enough to know what is appropriate. That being said, you shouldn't have to mother him when you have your own lo to worry about. I would talk to him about your need for him to grow up and work something out together. This is just my opinion, and I think it's important you work it out between you two. You don't need to take others'advice if you don't want to, because you two are the only ones that know what works for your relationship.
Good luck!

nopegoat

My H and I have been together for 9.5yrs. We had our first young  and after we had been together for 5yrs. We have never given each other a curfew. We both ask each other to be respectful (by not going out constantly) and let the other one know where they are going and keep them updated on any changes. If he said originally that he was going to be home at 12 and it doesn't look like he is going to make it, I like to know so I am not up worring about him. 

Now that we have kids, I still don't care if he stays out late, but he knows he isn't getting any special treatment in the morning. When the kids and I get up, so does he. 

RayRay007

My H is 38 and still stays out until 3 am some nights. He has gotten a little better in the last couple of years. 3am used to be a 2-3x a week thing, now he's usually home by midnight, and doesn't go out that often every week). I don't really get it but I'm not going to tell him he can't unless he really can't (I have plans, I need him home for some real reason, we have to get up at 4am for a flight, etc.)

emsrdh03

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

RayRay007

Ditto kdm, DH does not get any sympathy from me when dd wakes him up in the morning.

desireeariel

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

Akabli

M

CandEChicago

God I miss the days when I could be out to 3am and still be able to function the next day. To this day DH will still occasionally be up late but over the years he knows that I don't cut him slack the next morning. He still needs to be up and functioning like an adult.

I am tempted to tell you to cut him a little slack given he is 19 and let him get it out of his system since in a couple of months he is going to have to grow up quickly. But as PP said you can't mother him.

Just make sure he knows ahead of time if you need him to accomplish something or be at an appointment. Then he can make the decision himself.

caden1206

Lol, I tell my SO to go out all the time. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch with my DD and eat popcorn. I do hope you can talk to him.and things improve.

CandEChicago

desireeariel said:

My SO and I have been together for two years. I am 20 and he is still only 19. This pregnancy was very much so an accident (we are both very happy though). This is also the only relationship he has EVER been in. His lack of experience really has him in the dark about how other women act or request. I never stop him from going to hangout with his guy friends to play soccer or ps4. My only rule now that he is living with me is that he be home by 1:30am. I just really do not see why he has to be out even that late. He still always shows up at like 3 am... I have a friend who doesn't allow her SO to go anywhere and he must report home right after work and he cannot go out or do anything without her. So I was wondering what you ladies do in this situation? Like is there a time you think he shouldn't be out past? He and I need some perspective.

I have a feeling we might need to QFP.

chicorojo

My husband would not respond to me giving him "rules". He doesn't go out much but as long as he stays in touch and I don't get worried he can stay out as long as he wants (we still have to wake up early to take care of animals, no sympathy from me if he's tired)

nopegoat

I think if he tells you he will be home at a certain time, he needs to be home at a certain time. That is  called respect. If he is going out all the time and its bothering you, both of you need to have a talk and come up with some sort of compromise. I get it. He is young and still wants to have fun. Let him. But he also needs to understand that he had a part in making a little human and needs to start acting like a grown up. Reality is, he will not be able to go out all the time once this baby gets here. The baby has to be #1, not a social life and having fun. 

Talk. Figure out what both of you want from each other and come up with an adult compromise. You can't control him and act like his mom. He needs to man up and act like an adult. 

CandEChicago

desireeariel said:

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

--------------------- quote fail ---------------------
She was well intentioned and you did state earlier...my only rule...without the quotation marks.

Now if he is promising you one thing and doing another...that is a separate issue than being out late. DH and I have enough respect for each other not to go give hollow promises or lie. We also have the respect that if plans change or we are running late we try to let each other know.

desireeariel

I said rule not rules thats why its quoted the second time. jesus.

nopegoat

CandEChicago said:

emsrdh03 said:

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

--------------------- quote fail --------------------- She was well intentioned and you did state earlier...my only rule...without the quotation marks. Now if he is promising you one thing and doing another...that is a separate issue than being out late. DH and I have enough respect for each other not to go give hollow promises or lie. We also have the respect that if plans change or we ate running late we try to let each other know.

Exactly!!! 

nesenotes

I haven't gone through and read the comments yet so I may be saying similar to someone else. I think it's different for all families. It's whatever works for you. Personally staying out till 3 am is a no go for me. But my reason stems from my dad being a partier and not coming home and a lot of family fighting and trauma. So DH did that twice after we discussed it and I kicked him out. He never did it again. But we talked about it to death and why I feel so strongly about it. But that was early in our marriage like years 1-3. Now we have been married for 9 years and things have really evolved. By default we end up spending free time together because he works so much. He's free to go out with the guys I trust him. He just doesn't have any friends that party anymore. Everyone has families to take care of. Easier for me, I couldn't deal with it the other way around. But i would never want him to report to me immediately after he's done working. He's not an animal.

chicorojo

I think you need to respect him and quit treating him like a child. He also needs to respect you and what you ask of him.

chicorojo

@CandEChicago‌ way to QFP !

HorseFeathers3

desireeariel said:

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

Fact is that he is young and his life has not been impacted by this pregnancy yet like yours has. He just doesn't "get it" yet. I delt with this same issue with my first pregnancy (we were also quite young) I was so angry and upset and honestly didn't understand why he didn't want to respect my wishes. Looking back on it now, I realize his maturity level just wasn't there and wasn't invested in the pregnancy like I was quite yet. Like the other ladies suggested, talk to him about where you are coming from and ask him where he is at too. But seriously, the moment you set "rules" esp in regards to what time "you" think "he" should be home, expect it to be broken. Just sayin' IMO. Been there done that, will never do it again.

amr196

I'm in the same boat. I'm 20 he's 19. He goes and hangs out with friends late on weekends. Sometimes I go sometimes I don't because I'm tired. He always let's me know what he's doing and when he'll be home just out of respect and so I know he's safe. I don't have to tell him when to come home because he does it on his own. He has maned up and is prepared to be a father so he does what he thinks he needs to do to have fun now and also prepare for when he can't as much.
For us I didn't have to tell him what to do. He grew up and did it on his own so if you ask me you're just going to have to wait till he decides to do it himself
Also we've been together for 4 and a half years so we have really worked hard in the past to give each other a respectful amount of space. Respectful on both ends

path75

My hubby and I have always pretty much done what we want when we want within boundaries. I do get irked when he is out later than he said. But to be honest arguing over staying out late has been the least of our worries. We just discuss it the next day and I share how I feel. To be honest men really just don't get the time thing. As long as you have trust you have nothing to worry about. Like others said, I feel no sympathy the next day and believe me he will regret it once you get the baby crying all night stage. 

nopegoat

desireeariel said:

I've had enough shame for the morning -___- apparently some of you have trouble reading and need to take your judgement down a notch. I just wanted some insight, not for you to take the opportunity to gloat yourself on how your relationship is and be condescending.  

Sweetie seriously. Talk to him and compromise. Both of you need to let each other know what you need/expect and figure out what works for both of you. Is it him staying out so late, going out constantly, not coming home when promised, or all of it. He needs to know exactly what you want. Address this now! It will only get worse once the baby gets here. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope it all works out. 

nesenotes

I think it boils down to communication and compromise. You shouldn't have to beat that into anyone. Some men get it quicker, some don't get it till they are in their 60's *cough dad and fil cough* and trust me there is no changing a person with "rules". They are going to do what they want regardless. It's about being on the same page.

desireeariel

IamInigoMontoya said:

I said rule not rules thats why its quoted the second time. jesus.

I know it's hard but try not to get defensive. I think what people are trying to say is that how you say things is important. So if you are using words like rules, etc. He may feel like you are trying to control him. Whereas if you approach it more as a conversation about how it makes you feel and agreeing on expectations that work for both of you, he may receive it better. For what it's worth, I don't think your expectations are unreasonable.

Just because I wrote to you guys saying rules does not mean I said it to him like that. It is hard to not get defensive because people are bringing things I didn't even mention into this discussion. No where did I say this is how I presented the conversation or share it with him. I did not anywhere in my original post tell HOW I requested him to be home at a certain time. All I wanted to know was how other women handle the situation and I have been construed as acting like his "mommy" and disrespectful.

emsrdh03

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

Well actually you said your one "rule" was be home by 1:30. So those were your words not mine. And as NandaB mentioned a big question is whether or not this is new behavior, because if it's not then he may not see the big deal and why all of a sudden he has to change. Maybe have another talk with him since the behavior hasn't changed and see if you can compromise. Let him know your concerns for how it's going to be once the baby is here.

nesenotes

@desireeariel‌ you asked for advice and that what people are giving you. I know you said your friend gives rules not you. Just try to read the answers objectively. There is good advice here and no one is being mean.

desireeariel

emsrdh03 said:

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

Well actually you said your one "rule" was be home by 1:30. So those were your words not mine. And as NandaB mentioned a big question is whether or not this is new behavior, because if it's not then he may not see the big deal and why all of a sudden he has to change. Maybe have another talk with him since the behavior hasn't changed and see if you can compromise. Let him know your concerns for how it's going to be once the baby is here.

Do you not understand what plural is? rule vs rules... so yes your words not mine thanks though.

CandEChicago

desireeariel said:

I've had enough shame for the morning -___- apparently some of you have trouble reading and need to take your judgement down a notch. I just wanted some insight, not for you to take the opportunity to gloat yourself on how your relationship is and be condescending.  

Sorry you have been through a lot this morning. These ladies are truly a great help if you are willing to hear them. Not all advice you receive in life will be peachy keen and roses. Heck I wish life itself was peachy keen and roses...it would make everyone's lives easier.

desireeariel

nesenotes said:

@desireeariel‌ you asked for advice and that what people are giving you. I know you said your friend gives rules not you. Just try to read the answers objectively. There is good advice here and no one is being mean.

I didn't ask for advice I asked for perspective... I wanted to know what other people do 

emsrdh03

desireeariel said:

emsrdh03 said:

emsrdh03 said:

I think the first issue with this is you giving him rules and a curfew. He's your boyfriend, not your child. A better way to approach this without barking out orders would be to sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. You both need to come to a mutual agreement, especially with a baby on the way. Both of you need to give a little.

I am not giving him "rules" (its one thing I request) or barking orders wtf. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I have talked to him about it and he responded by saying ok I promise and still showed up at 3am. I didn't ask for advice about what to do I asked how you handle it with your relationship for perspective.

Well actually you said your one "rule" was be home by 1:30. So those were your words not mine. And as NandaB mentioned a big question is whether or not this is new behavior, because if it's not then he may not see the big deal and why all of a sudden he has to change. Maybe have another talk with him since the behavior hasn't changed and see if you can compromise. Let him know your concerns for how it's going to be once the baby is here.

Do you not understand what plural is? rule vs rules... so yes your words not mine thanks though.

I do in fact know the difference between rule and rules. But thanks for the English lesson. Good luck with your boyfriend, there's some good advice in here if you take the time to stop being defensive and read it.

amr196

Whattt???? You asked for help so all anyone is trying to do is help you. No one said anything rude or mean or out of line. They took what you posted (because obviously none of us know the whole story) and did their best to help you in your situation.
If you don't want to take their advice then don't take it. At least be polite about it when people try to help you though

nopegoat

desireeariel said:

nesenotes said:

@desireeariel‌ you asked for advice and that what people are giving you. I know you said your friend gives rules not you. Just try to read the answers objectively. There is good advice here and no one is being mean.

I didn't ask for advice I asked for perspective... I wanted to know what other people do 

I think most people's advice here has been from their own experiences and what they have done or are doing. Only you know your situation and if the advice/perspective given fits. Take what applies to you and don't worry about the rest. Your entire life you will be given opinions or advice whether you asked for it or not. Smile, shake your head, and move on.

caden1206

She has snapped at most of you for just trying to help her. I don't thinks she is worth any more energy. You guys tried to help her and she obviously doesn't want it. My guess is she wants sympathy, not really perspective.

desireeariel

amr196 said:

Whattt???? You asked for help so all anyone is trying to do is help you. No one said anything rude or mean or out of line. They took what you posted (because obviously none of us know the whole story) and did their best to help you in your situation. If you don't want to take their advice then don't take it. At least be polite about it when people try to help you though

I was polite to the people who helped I just don't appreciate people saying I don't respect him or that it is a matter of me acting like his mother< which is totally out of place to say. I am just extremely embarrassed about how my original text is being construed and I should have been a bit more descriptive...

desireeariel

caden1206 said:

She has snapped at most of you for just trying to help her. I don't thinks she is worth any more energy. You guys tried to help her and she obviously doesn't want it. My guess is she wants sympathy, not really perspective.

If by sympathy you mean support than yes I wanted support. Not all the responses were judgy and condescending but most were. I appreciate the help. It is my fault for not explaining better.. 

amr196

desireeariel said:

amr196 said:

Whattt???? You asked for help so all anyone is trying to do is help you. No one said anything rude or mean or out of line. They took what you posted (because obviously none of us know the whole story) and did their best to help you in your situation.
If you don't want to take their advice then don't take it. At least be polite about it when people try to help you though

I was polite to the people who helped I just don't appreciate people saying I don't respect him or that it is a matter of me acting like his mother< which is totally out of place to say. I am just extremely embarrassed about how my original text is being construed and I should have been a bit more descriptive...
----------------
Nobody's judging you from it. Just what some people take from a bit if information is different from what others will take and how each responds to it. Obviously not every response was really what you wanted to hear but try not to get upset or embarrassed about it. You won't always like what people have to say to you so just listen to what you do like and disregard the rest

caden1206

desireeariel said:

caden1206 said:

She has snapped at most of you for just trying to help her. I don't thinks she is worth any more energy. You guys tried to help her and she obviously doesn't want it. My guess is she wants sympathy, not really perspective.

If by sympathy you mean support than yes I wanted support. Not all the responses were judgy and condescending but most were. I appreciate the help. It is my fault for not explaining better.. 

Pretty sure I just wrote sympathy. You really owe most of these girls an apology. They were all trying to help you.

MaineMama

desireeariel said:

nesenotes said:

@desireeariel‌ you asked for advice and that what people are giving you. I know you said your friend gives rules not you. Just try to read the answers objectively. There is good advice here and no one is being mean.

I didn't ask for advice I asked for perspective... I wanted to know what other people do 

Ummm...I'm pretty sure 99% of PPs have told you what they do, or what they did when issues with their Hs/SOs arose. They all acted like adults and talked it out. They didn't lay down any rules. Respect begets respect.

desireeariel

caden1206 said:

caden1206 said:

She has snapped at most of you for just trying to help her. I don't thinks she is worth any more energy. You guys tried to help her and she obviously doesn't want it. My guess is she wants sympathy, not really perspective.

If by sympathy you mean support than yes I wanted support. Not all the responses were judgy and condescending but most were. I appreciate the help. It is my fault for not explaining better.. 

Pretty sure I just wrote sympathy. You really owe most of these girls an apology. They were all trying to help you.

I know you wrote sympathy... but I was correcting your accusation  

but being told I disrespect my SO by several responses off of what I said was irrelevant and rude... So I apologize to the ladies that were actually being supportive and helpful that were put in the mix...