Curious how you answer this

sorrellam30 · June 2014

I know we all get sick of the "why don't you just adopt question". I was just curious what reason you give if you give or have one. For us it started that ivf seemed like the solution for us having biological children. Now it's more that I just feel more comfortable w ivf using donor whatever, it's what we know at this point. Honestly it's also a $$ factor, we are in a guarantee program. I know "normal" people probably won't understand many reasons we have but I'm just curious if you'd share w me. Also for the record I'm not saying I'd never pursue adoption, more "why" we aren't pursuing it now instead of DE or ivf Also my race is next weekend!!! I'm really nervous because the heat kills me and I've been having some hip pain, but I'm going to run the whole thing if it kills me! Eek

sorrellam30 · June 2014

Stupid iPad ran everything together, sorry it's hard to read

Mrs.McIrish · June 2014

My answer always had various components. I am 40 and DH is 46. I was doubtful that a birth mother would pick us. We don't have a large pretty house. When I was working, I worked long hours. I didn't think that would be appealing to a birth mother. I didn't want to create a marketing plan to get someone to pick us. Wasn't willing to put my life on display to see if someone thought we were "good" enough. I didn't want to wait for years with no idea if we'd ever get selected. I knew I'd have to do all the paperwork etc--DH isn't good at that sort of thing. I didn't want to have my heart broken with a failed adoption. Financially, I believed it to be way more $ than we spent for DE. I also wasn't open to drug addicted issues etc. I just wasn't up for a lot of these challenges after IF treatments.

sorrellam30 · June 2014

Mrs.McIrish said:

My answer always had various components. I am 40 and DH is 46. I was doubtful that a birth mother would pick us. We don't have a large pretty house. When I was working, I worked long hours. I didn't think that would be appealing to a birth mother. I didn't want to create a marketing plan to get someone to pick us. Wasn't willing to put my life on display to see if someone thought we were "good" enough. I didn't want to wait for years with no idea if we'd ever get selected. I knew I'd have to do all the paperwork etc--DH isn't good at that sort of thing. I didn't want to have my heart broken with a failed adoption. Financially, I believed it to be way more $ than we spent for DE. I also wasn't open to drug addicted issues etc. I just wasn't up for a lot of these challenges after IF treatments.

We have friends that just went through a failed adoption after having the baby for three months so this was also a concern of ours.

Twinkie0612 · June 2014

I haven't had too many people ask about adoption, but that's probably because I am not extremely open about our infertility. My biggest reason for chosing IF treatments over adoption is that I would like to experience pregnancy. I want to know what it is like to have a child growing inside of my body, even if that child is not my genetic child. I am also afraid that we would never get picked by a birth mother. We have a tiny house and don't make a ton of money. I just feel like we don't have anything that would be appealing to a birth mother.

firesiren · June 2014

I hate giving my answer. But I'm safe here so I'll tell. When I was 17, I had a girlfriend she was pregnant and had chose adoption. She drank, smoked,drugs, partied hard ..... You name it. When asked what about the baby. She would say it's not mine anyways... I never forgot that. Any time I have told people that they feel the need to argue. Some people think you fill out some papers and a fairy drops a healthy baby at your door the next day....

Also, adoption is so expensive. Our local agency wanted 15k just to start. And another 15 after placement with no guarantees.

Grateful&Thankful · June 2014

I echo a lot of what McIrish said. I didn't want to feel like I was auditioning for a baby. I didn't want some random person picking my life & lifestyle apart. Another thing that totally turned me off is the popularity of open adoptions. I'm not into that at all and so many adoptions are set up this way now. Lastly, I really would be devestated if the birth mom changed her mind and took the baby back. That's why I cannot foster either. I get attached too quickly.

Side note- It really pisses me the F off when people just sling adoption around like it's as easy as going to the store, picking out and then paying for your purchase. People don't know jack __ about the process but yet want to look at you like you are selfish/unreasonable for not choosing adoption. Adoption is a wonderful option but it's not for everyone.

mm29 · June 2014

I say "Adoption is very difficult, and I have known many people have had adoptions fall though. I cannot handle that kind of loss. And more than anything I want to experience pregnancy.'

poohniki · June 2014

McIrish said it perfectly. I don't want to be a fake person to hope to be selected. I shouldn't need anyone's approval to be a mother. I am certified to watch 30 children that aren't mine for 8 hours a day, but I need someone's approval to care for one that would be mine.

Also, since our child won't have a grandmother, I'm afraid someone might pick someone who still has living parents.. and that idea upsets me a lot.

Km672 · June 2014

Yup... For all the reasons McIrish stated.

While we are considering it, we both aren't ready or comfortable with it. I'm not sure if we ever will be or how we will feel if it proves to be the only way we can have a child.

No one 'just' adopts. I HATE it when people say 'just adopt'.. It's a huge undertaking in itself, full of unknowns and would force us to compromise about a lot of really important issues that right now we aren't ok with.

I've found that if I try to explain this to people, I get a lot of examples of someone they know who adopted and how wonderful everything is...

One of the woman I work with was telling me how lucky her friend who adopted us because her child only has 'a few issues' from the birth mothers lifestyle/habits during pregnancy...

Wtf? I'm just not ok with that! Really? She's 'lucky' for this?

At this point I simply tell people we aren't open to adoption. Usually people shut up, but if not I tell them it's a lot of issues and it's a personal decision.

RunCC37 · June 2014

I haven't encountered this question too much even though we are open about our IF. I think if someone did ask, I'd point out how expensive and unstable the path to adoption is. I have a colleague who went through IF and then a failed adoption, and she said the failed adoption was far more devastating. I don't think I could ever bounce back from it to be honest.

J&D2007 · June 2014

Since no one knows about our IF struggles, I have never fielded the question. When DH and I talk, he asks me why not adoption instead of 'putting me through all of this'. To be honest, it seems easier in a few ways to do ivf and even DE or DS. I would want an infant or newborn adoption and I hear it's very difficult to find. I hate the thought of the mom changing her mind, worrying forever if the mom is healthy, smoking, drinking, etc. And as shallow as it may sound, I want the option of ivf DE instead because I won't have to explain everything. Outside people will think it is our child and we can choose who to share the information with. Also, I want the excitement and feeling of being pregnant.

kflynn81 · June 2014

I've honestly only been asked the adoption question once and surprisingly it was recently. A family I babysit for asked me to watch their kids about a month or so ago.... I've been one of their sitters for 7 years so we're pretty close. The Mom said, so now what , do you think you'll adopt instead? I was just confused as to why that would be assumed next on the list, like lose your baby well time to adopt!! I just told her no , we're trying again and see where it takes us.

sorrellam30 · June 2014

I get asked this question ALL the time. I think because we have two close friends who have struggled with infertility and adopted (one successfully, one not) so people just assume we will too

zazu13 · June 2014

I was open to adopting and looked into many options, but my heart could not fully embrace the idea until I had grieved the loss of a genetic or biological child. Also adoption was really no cheaper than ART nor was there any garuntee of a take home baby.

Lacyj67 · June 2014

I think it takes a certain personality to adopt. Personally me and DH always talked about it and wanted to to do it before IVF. It's not for everyone and info think that it's right that people always go to that question with women's doing IVF. I agree it's annoying and people just day stupid stuff in general to people struggling to have a baby.

luvboston · June 2014

I never wanted to adopt and then I was in a bad situation at work with adopted kids and now I really don't want to so I just tell people I don't want to adopt. If they press the issue I ask them if they feel they deserved to have bio kids.

Curious how you answer this

Re: Curious how you answer this

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