Thanks

LuluPMW · June 2014

I think the most important needs to consider are the babies. The baby needs their parents to bond and learn to provide essential care. If the parents feel they require space to do that then so be it.

Each situation is different, but if the Grandparents are not vital for meeting the needs of the baby then IMO visitation is a privilege not a right.

If the Grandparents in my family want the privilege of visiting our babies they need to adjust to our roles as and respect our decisions as parents. That's not to say that their opinions and feelings aren't respectfully heard and considered.

redhotmama7 · June 2014

I'm only telling my parents when I go into labor... And even then not until I'm in active labor/admitted to the hospital. Once baby is here everyone else will be notified and then the visitors will start coming massive amounts... I want birth to be private but once baby is here I want to show him off. How about having DH not tell his parents until you've been admitted and even then just a "hey looks like we are having a baby in the next 24ish hours update later when we have time... "

blacktie3 · June 2014

It will only be me and DH in the delivery room but I wouldn't dream of making my in laws wait weeks to see the baby. I try to imagine how I might feel being pushed out like that when my son has his children, not to mention how it would make my husband feel.
You don't have to let them stay with you for weeks or anything but not even letting them meet their 1st grandchild is way over the top IMO. DH's and SO's are involved in the birth as well, yes its true that we hold the reins but how can you not value their feelings and/or opinions? I would appreciate mine being taken into consideration if the situation was reversed.

dixieprincess92 · June 2014

Hi! I may be jumping into this a little awkwardly, but just figured I'd offer a (similar?) perspective.

First off, I am very sorry for your loss, and I cannot even imagine how difficult it is for you. I say I may have a situation that is similar, but that's not exactly right - actually it's probably nowhere close. Please don't hate me for my awkwardness in trying to explain.

I am a type 1 diabetic, so my DH and I are having to figure out a way to "respectfully exclude" the majority of our friends and family. Due to my diabetes and our hospital's policy, we will have about 10-15 minutes with our baby girl before they take her to the NICU (scary word that NOBODY wants to hear, right?!) for at least 4 hours of observation. Let me just say, telling me this for the first time when I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and still not completely confident with my diabetes, was not pretty. I know I'm not the only woman going through this, and it is a routine proceedure, but it's still kinda scary.

Anyway, enough of my tangent, I'm not trying to hijack your thread, I promise - as my grandma, a former OB/GYN nurse, put it to me, "they weren't there when the baby was made, so they shouldn't be pushy or offended if they aren't in the room when the baby comes out." My DH and I have decided that he will make 3 sets of phone calls/text messags. Round 1 will be a general, "we're headed to the hospital" simple notification - no one is to come to the hospital unless specifically asked. Round 2 is the "she's here" alert. And round 3 is when we'll finally give permission for them to come see. But NO ONE will be staying with us. Luckily neither of our families live too far away.

We have already told both families of this plan - each of us told our respective sides as that's the way we always handle communication. This is just our way of handling it, maybe it'll give another perspective.

marsalisails · June 2014

Example of simple updates that were made to family when I went into labor.

1. Her water broke so there will definitely be a baby in the next 24 hours.
2. (14 hours later) real contractions have started.
3. (3 hours after that) time to go to birth center will call when baby is born
4. (5 hours later) baby is born!

No distractions from hubby helping with drug-free child birth. No calls interrupting anything. No mention of my cervix/vag. No people showing up unannounced. If they live across the country, how would they even know where you are delivering? My ILs didn't even know where we would be...

The only thing I'll say about keeping people away for weeks is that when I had DS, I was so clueless and tired and in pain. The birth center I went to kicks you out after 12 hours - i had given birth through the night so we only got 2 hours of sleep after DS was born. Not having anyone to help me in those early days was rough. DH had to work, so I had all the night duty, and i didn't know which way was up. If your ILs won't be extra work for you (my MIL is no trouble for me at all when she's over), you may actually be grateful for the extra set of hands or a nap or two between feedings. I can only speak from my personal experience, but the newborn phase was extremely difficult for me to navigate and it was nice to have the help in those first few weeks and did not take away from bonding.

email2ash · June 2014

Sandrea2 said:
Thank you @LeaLupins‌. I was starting to feel really bad having my behavior referred to as "assholish" for needing private time after delivery. I am a super private person and although I like my in-laws, I see them once or twice a year other than the occasional Facebook chat. It is an ordeal for me to have houseguests at any time because I DO feel the need to have all the food and accommodations ready and convenient when someone stays, much less the stress of the new baby on top of that. I just want time to get my life together before I open it up to anyone. Even though they have the best intentions, I need to be able to breastfeed and look my worst, and stay in bed when I need to, not worry about whether the Inlaws have breakfast.

Can they stay in a hotel or only come for a few days? I wouldn't want to play hostess 24/7 while recuperating and taking care of a newborn unless it was something I personally decided on.

Sandrea2 · June 2014

We live on opposite coasts, so when they come, they stay. 2 weeks usually. That's just a lot for me to handle. They would surely think that they would be helpful, but I will not be able to relax enough to have them do much for me. I also have a post partum doula (bartered a service for a service--lucky break!) for those first few days to help is get settled. Husband says that they're fine with the visiting timeframe--that wasn't even the issue. We compromised and I'm sure we will find some way to work this out as well without hurt feelings. I by no means want to deprive anyone in sharing our joy and want everyone to have their opportunity with LO. I know everyone is excited. Another thing I hadn't mentioned is that Husband has two sets of parents--FIL has assumed he has rights to show up as he pleases. MIL has been so pleasant and is simply waiting to hear what we'd like and has been nothing but supportive. I'm much more likely to want her here first mainly because she has caused me zero stress. I also feel like her feelings would be hurt if FIL and his wife got first visit.

chevronseven · June 2014

Haven't read the other responses yet, but my suggestion is that he call, let them know you're in labor, and then let them know that he is turning his phone OFF until baby comes, at which point he will call with the update. Have him also tell them that the hospital has been instructed not to allow visitors for your entire stay, so a trip there would be pointless. I do think weeks is an excessive amount of time for grandparents to have to wait, but it is your baby and ultimately your wishes that need to be respected (and those of you husband, of course).

ghostof5letters · June 2014

Sandrea2 said:

He was certainly ok with excluding everyone from the delivery room and asking for privacy after the birth, but he does want to be able to call his parents when I start labor. My concern is that he will be on the phone as the news spreads like wildfire and I will need his focus since he is taking the lead as the birthing coach.

There is this amazing invention on our phones nowadays called a POWER button. Just turn the phone off.

I think you're making this way more dramatic than it needs to be

francined01 · June 2014

I would call when you go into labor and let them know- with a quick phone call. Call when baby is born- because you will both want to share the news. Also, have your husband explain to them that you need time as a new mother to adjust before having family stay with you. and that you will enjoy their company a lot more if you have some time to establish a bit of a routine with the baby.

You may be ready before you thought but maybe not. Believe me, I have been there and now my in laws don't come to stay until at least a month has passed. It may seem mean but no one is happy if the mother isn't happy...and your guests will know that immediately.

marsalisails · June 2014

ghostof5letters said:

Sandrea2 said:

He was certainly ok with excluding everyone from the delivery room and asking for privacy after the birth, but he does want to be able to call his parents when I start labor. My concern is that he will be on the phone as the news spreads like wildfire and I will need his focus since he is taking the lead as the birthing coach.

There is this amazing invention on our phones nowadays called a POWER button. Just turn the phone off.

I think you're making this way more dramatic than it needs to be

^^ this. it seems to me in reading your subsequent responses that there really isn't much of an issue here at all...just the phone calls during labor part, and that's easily solvable. it seems like all the other things you mentioned were non-issues to begin with.

JLHV1909 · June 2014

I thought about this last night when my SD told DH that he was going to have to call her when I go into labor every 30 minutes to keep her updated- keep in mind she is 10 going on 30 and the entire world needs to revolve around her. I just laughed and said, "Sorry Charlie, Daddy and I are both going to be a little busy to make a lot of phone calls." We'll call when we can- but calling anyone while I'm in labor isn't our priority (certainly not every 30 minutes.)

I figure let people know, and then turn off your phones or don't text or call with an update until you are ready or the baby has been born. If your hospital is like mine, you may have to do that anyway to hold onto your battery. In the Labor and Delivery room, we aren't allowed to use any of the plugs in the room according to our tour guide on Tuesday. Postpartum room, plugs and chargers are completely allowed and ready to be used.

If you don't want visitors after the birth at home or at the hospital, talk to your people and try to explain your feelings. Most will understand, but saying weeks away is a little harsh and not quite nice for your IL's.

EllaSmella · June 2014

Sandrea2 said:

We live on opposite coasts, so when they come, they stay. 2 weeks usually.

Ask them to stay in a hotel if they want to come right away. If they are willing to wait your two week window, tell them they can stay with you at that time.

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