Thanks

Sandrea2

Thank you for all the responses.

cakebatter27

I see both sides. One, I would be clear everyone will be notified AFTER the baby is here. We are doing the same. But two, making grandparents wait weeks seems a bit excessive.

What does your DH say?

Myanswer true

Honestly, if you and your husband have already agreed on this plan, everyone else just needs to fall in line. You have no responsibility to anyone but your family (you, DH, and LO) at this time, and extended family needs to respect your wishes. I've already had to have this discussion with my mother, who is acting pretty butthurt that I don't want her around for early labor. Discuss how you feel with your husband, and whatever game plan the two of you agree upon, stick with it.

Sandrea2

He was certainly ok with excluding everyone from the delivery room and asking for privacy after the birth, but he does want to be able to call his parents when I start labor. My concern is that he will be on the phone as the news spreads like wildfire and I will need his focus since he is taking the lead as the birthing coach.

cookieinva

I think it is reasonable if he wants to call his parents and/or update them on the progress of the birth of his child. If your concerns really are just his level of focus or distraction, that is something to address with him and make sure he knows where his priorities should lie. As an adult and your partner he should understand that. I think it is a little extreme to suggest you need to impose a rule of no contact on him to ensure he is there for you. I mean, I would expect it would be quite easy for him to have his phone on silent so as not to take any incoming calls or messages, and to only provide info if and as it seems appropriate; I wouldn't envision live birth updates, but an occassional message on progress (outgoing only) doesn't seem too invasive to me personally. You don't even necessarily need to know about it.

I know they are not your parents, but making his parents wait weeks seems a bit much. Maybe it is because I have sons but I hate seeing the dad's parents treated differently when babies are born simply because that set of grandparents happened to have a son instead of a daughter.

jnnfrrose6

I'm going to agree with most PPs.  Completely cutting off communication because of a concern of possible interruptions is overboard.  As others have said, phones have mute/silent buttons and off buttons for a reason.  Discuss it with your husband of course, but if he wants to be able to let his parents know when his wife is going into labor with his child, I don't see why you would keep that from him.  He can make it clear to his family he will not be taking calls/messages during this time and will keep everyone posted as necessary, but to make a blanket statement that he (or you) will not contact anyone seems extreme.

Also, as you pointed out, labor could take some time.  If that's the case, then there will probably be some down time anyways for him to provide updates.  I'm pretty sure when it's the heat of the moment your DH will be more focused on you anyways, and not some possible phone call that may or may not come from his parents.  And if he's taking calls when he should be coaching you, then you probably need to have a bigger conversation with him.

cakebatter27

I feel like notifying people when you start labor is crazy. It could take hours or days. Why do a bunch of people want to sit on edge waiting?

Sandrea2

I should also point out that the Inlaws live on the other side of the country, so waiting a few weeks was also to ensure that they didn't buy plane tix in advance and the baby show up late. At first I suggested just a week alone before taking guests at the house (I don't mind stop-ins at all, I am just very type A anal retentive and would not be able to relax with guests staying over) but then we discussed a few weeks to ensure there would even be a baby to visit when they got here.
I do feel like FIL may just jump up and do a last minute flight though and crash my intimate birth setting, since at first he wanted to be in the delivery room....that part is weird though right???

Skeemer

Sandrea2 said:

Let me preface by saying that I am an only child and my parents are no longer with me, as a FTM I am feeling very reserved and want the entire birthing experience to include myself, my husband, dr, and baby. I requested that the Inlaws wait a few weeks before visiting as I want bonding time and intimacy wih my new family. I realize part of my need to exclude them at first is because of how painful it will be to enjoy this experience without my own parents, but I also understand that this is their first and only grandchild (husband is an only child as well) and everyone is excited. Recently my FIL told us that he would be "pissed" if we don't call when I go into labor. I don't want anyone surprising us at the hospital or at home during this time and I fear that might be what he is planning. It may be days after I start labor that I actually have the baby, so even if he didn't plan on starting his travel (with his chimney smoking wife--other story) he will be wanting updates and calling on the phone when my husband is supposed to be coaching me (Bradley natural child birthing classes). I feel like this is stress I just do not need at 36 weeks. Am I being a selfish brat or am I right for feeling like FIL is in my personal space? I planned on just having husband call everyone immediately after birth with photos and no one would have to sit waiting with anticipation for how ever many hours. Sorry such a long rant. I'm an emotional pregnant lady that misses her mom (passed in 2007 from cancer).

First, I'm so sorry your family isn't here the way you want & need them to be. I can't imagine how you miss them. ((hugs))

Second, did you or did your DH actually ask the in-laws for a few weeks of privacy? That can be a game changer. For my DH & I, I handle everything with my family & he handles everything with his family. His family tends not to get so mad at their son when he tells them how something is going to be. It's been our easiest way to keep peace on each side.

Third, I'll be honest. If I didn't get a phone call about my only grandchild...it would hurt. Has your DH agreed to & laid down the ground rules for his family that you BOTH have decided on? If so, when/if they decide to not abide by those rules it's not out of place at all for him to kindly invite them to leave. Father in law needs to know straight up that even if he does surprise you at the hospital or at home he won't get anywhere. Has your DH had a sit down heart to heart with him?

Fourth, I think you're taking some of the joy away from your DH by telling him not to contact people. It's his baby too. Unless you have more children, which you say you aren't, this is his only time to experience this & share the love with others. It's not really fair to him to strip him of that happiness unless you have both agreed on that.

Fifth, as someone else said...silence the danged phone. Have DH tell people he will update them when HE wants to & he will not be answering texts as they arrive. Ain't nobody got time for answering texts all during labor & delivery!

abundancenow

First, I want to say sorry that your parents are no longer here. Both of my parents are deceased and it sucks to be able to relate to your feelings.  There are life situations that leave me feeling a bit resentful that I don't have the support or even ability to share any more life experiences with my parents.  For me it is important to open my heart to what I do have and not limit my husband and son in their family relationships just because of my bitter feelings.  While, I may feel justified in my hurt over not having parents, I am lead by my heart.

<br>

I think it's important for you to consider your husband and your child and nurture their connection to what family they do have as long as they are not destructive people.  I don't think it's unreasonable to not want people at the hospital, if your husband agrees, but I do feel like asking family not to be included in phone call updates and to not be able to visit for a few weeks is isolating your loved ones from their family and you may want to consider your decision.  If both you and your husband decide no one is to visit at the hospital and communicate that clearly to his family, they should respect that and are not going to be let in your room if you tell the hospital you don't want any visitors.  It's not like they would barge in your room because they were updated by a phone call that you gave birth. <br>

<br>

What are you going to lose by opening your heart and allowing them to share in the happiness of your child, their first grandchild?

<br>

Just after my mom died, I felt very protective over DS spending time with DH's family, I saw the movie In to the Wild and the message hit me, "Happiness is Best Shared".  It greatly impacted me that anyone who wanted to share the happiness of my child and would reciprocate in a way that would not harm my child, would be welcomed by me.

jnnfrrose6

Sandrea2 said:

I should also point out that the Inlaws live on the other side of the country, so waiting a few weeks was also to ensure that they didn't buy plane tix in advance and the baby show up late. At first I suggested just a week alone before taking guests at the house (I don't mind stop-ins at all, I am just very type A anal retentive and would not be able to relax with guests staying over) but then we discussed a few weeks to ensure there would even be a baby to visit when they got here. I do feel like FIL may just jump up and do a last minute flight though and crash my intimate birth setting, since at first he wanted to be in the delivery room....that part is weird though right???

To answer your question: Yes.  However, I don't know your ILs or if this is something they are capable of.  If that's truly a legitimate concern, then you need to be talking about it with your husband.  He's your partner and you need to be on the same page as you so he can talk to his parents about it.

cookieinva

I definitely think you are well within your rights to not want anyone besides your H and drs in the delivery room. I did not want any of the grandparents in the delivery room.

Skeemer

jnnfrrose6 said:

Sandrea2 said:

I should also point out that the Inlaws live on the other side of the country, so waiting a few weeks was also to ensure that they didn't buy plane tix in advance and the baby show up late. At first I suggested just a week alone before taking guests at the house (I don't mind stop-ins at all, I am just very type A anal retentive and would not be able to relax with guests staying over) but then we discussed a few weeks to ensure there would even be a baby to visit when they got here. I do feel like FIL may just jump up and do a last minute flight though and crash my intimate birth setting, since at first he wanted to be in the delivery room....that part is weird though right???

To answer your question: Yes.  However, I don't know your ILs or if this is something they are capable of.  If that's truly a legitimate concern, then you need to be talking about it with your husband.  He's your partner and you need to be on the same page as you so he can talk to his parents about it.

How can your FIL "crash your intimate birth setting" if he's not going to be allowed in L & D or at the hospital after the birth? Doesn't your hospital have rules to follow regarding who they let in or out at the mother's discretion? I know at our hospital the rules were so tight that even DH would have been booted out had I said the word.

I would discuss everything again with DH & let him know his folks will need to stay in a hotel instead of your house. I agree that I definitely wouldn't want people staying overnight with us the first week unless they were there to help & we asked them to.

AKB090609

I don't call until baby has arrived safely, and I think that is perfectly fair. I do think it is kind of asshole-ish to keep grand parents away for 'a few weeks' just because you can't have your own parents there as well. We let grand parents visit for a few (2-3 days) after baby is born, there is nothing like a fresh baby and it was nice to have help with the dogs and dishes when we got home. The grand parents had to get a hotel and leave when we told them too.

BPer

Honestly, I would be okay with calling when I went into labor, but I would establish ahead of time that if anyone shows up unannounced while you're in labor, or post-delivery, you won't allow them in the room and you'll make that request of the hospital staff. (Though find a nicer way to say it).

My entire family, parents, ILs, sister, SIL's boyfriend, everyone was waiting outside the room while I delivered, and it was a lot of pressure.  That won't fly this time.

jnnfrrose6

symphony4586 said: I truly don't understand why people think OP should be ok with her DH calling people to give updates she doesn't want to share. Is there any other situation you'd be totally ok with your partners calling up your ILs to share your personal medical information if you had asked them not to? I would certainly hope not. A laboring mother has as much right to that privacy as anyone else if she wants it, and if anyone else wants to get upset about it that's on them, not her. OP, maybe you should ask your DH if the next time he has a colonoscopy if you can call up one of your family members or your BFF and give them a play-by-play. Personally I don't see much of a difference.
.+++Stupid Quote Box not working+++
Pretty sure most people think it's ok for DH to give updates if SHE'S ok with it as well, hence all the recommendations to talk to DH about it as she has expressed that her husband would like to at least notify his parents when the baby is on the way.  Her concern was the ILs calling for updates and interrupting her "intimate labor experience."  

Of course the mother has her right to privacy, but comparing it to a colonoscopy is extreme.  No new life/extension of a family is coming out of that procedure (and if DH is ok with updates during it, then what's wrong with that?).  Again, the issue is making sure she and DH are on the same page with what communication is ok and setting those boundaries.

nolemomma14

I think not wanting anyone stay at your house the first couple of weeks is completely reasonable, and even not wanting visitors at the hospital is fine. I think asking your DH not to inform his parents at all about the baby until after LO is born might take away from your DHs experience. It seems as if he is on board about his parents waiting to visit, so allowing him to let his parents know when baby is on his way should be okay. He can call them and then like pp have said just have him mute or turn his cell phone off and call them again after LO is born. I'm sorry your family isn't around, it's hard to imagine what that would be like. Hopefully you and DH can come to an agreement that works for both of you to make the arrival of LO as special as it should be. Good luck!!

Skeemer

jnnfrrose6 said:

.+++Stupid Quote Box not working+++

Pretty sure most people think it's ok for DH to give updates if SHE'S ok with it as well, hence all the recommendations to talk to DH about it as she has expressed that her husband would like to at least notify his parents when the baby is on the way.  Her concern was the ILs calling for updates and interrupting her "intimate labor experience."  

Of course the mother has her right to privacy, but comparing it to a colonoscopy is extreme.  No new life/extension of a family is coming out of that procedure (and if DH is ok with updates during it, then what's wrong with that?).  Again, the issue is making sure she and DH are on the same page with what communication is ok and setting those boundaries.

Yes, this is what I'm hearing a lot of. Also, she's getting varied thoughts, opinions & different points of view. Some of what pp's said may cause her to talk with her husband again & make agreements they are both very happy with.

SuperTinkerham

Hugs to you!!! I don't have any helpful advice other than my thoughts are that birthing a baby is time to circle the wagons and only the nearest and dearest get to be let in. For us that means just me and Mister (Mister and I?). We told ILs we would call them after baby has arrived and I am showered and ready for visitors. They are in the same town as us, so I kept emphasizing "4 hour old baby is just as cute as 2 hour old baby, but we need time to compose ourselves"

I hope you and DH can compromise. I am not telling anyone unless it is work "I won't be at work, baby is on its way, will let you know. "

abundancenow

symphony4586 said:

I truly don't understand why people think OP should be ok with her DH calling people to give updates she doesn't want to share. Is there any other situation you'd be totally ok with your partners calling up your ILs to share your personal medical information if you had asked them not to? I would certainly hope not. A laboring mother has as much right to that privacy as anyone else if she wants it, and if anyone else wants to get upset about it that's on them, not her. OP, maybe you should ask your DH if the next time he has a colonoscopy if you can call up one of your family members or your BFF and give them a play-by-play. Personally I don't see much of a difference.

This made me laugh, because during my laboring, literally my mom (she died 2 years after ds was born) and my MIL were answering phone calls from my sister and DHs sister asking for updates.  My pushing went on for a few hours and I was getting very distracted with the phone calls.  I actually yelled at both of them and said, "No more phone calls, turn them off, if you are going to be in here, you are going to be present with me!"  I was pissed.

I agree, if a woman in labor does not want phone calls being made to update family during delivery, then phone calls should not be made.  But, there are breaks in delivery when a quick up date could be made or a text saying they are headed to the hospital or confirming birth can be made with out much being taken from the laboring woman.  

With your example of her husbands colonoscopy, you are not including that there is another person besides the laboring woman, there is a child that does have connection to others.

Acsim

cakebatter27 said:

I feel like notifying people when you start labor is crazy. It could take hours or days. Why do a bunch of people want to sit on edge waiting?

My labor lasted 31 hours and I had a room FULL of people because nothing ever happened until we had to be taken for CS. I was annoyed because once one person knew they called this person who showed up with that person and then they all got pissed at ME because I wasn't pushing. Uh, hello?!? GTFO. That being said, it was my fault for letting it get so out of control but honestly, that was nothing but down time, so what else was I going to do?

I'm having a scheduled RCS and I text both of my MIL's whenever I go into L&D, even if it's just a precautionary visit. I want them to be ready. One will need to sit with out daughter during the process. I've made it clear to both of them that though I am allowed visitors in recovery, the only visitor I want is DD1. DH will come out and get her and bring her back so that she can meet her sister in peace and we can have a little bit of quiet time as a new family of 4. After that, I will be taken to my room and bring on the visitors. They all have to understand that I'm going to be sore, tired, and my boobs will likely be on display and they can just not visit if they aren't ok with that. My MIL's are extremely different and one drives me up a GD wall, but I would never say "Don't visit." I will definitely be having a "don't drop in because I hate that crap" rule when we go back home, but most people know I hate that anyway and tend not to do it, because I let them know I hate surprises lol.

My mother was my best friend and passed away in 2003, and I haven't had a father for a long time. It hurts that my mom can't be there, but I refuse to hurt others just because of my pain. If you believe in this type of thing, I got subtle hints throughout my labor last time that made me believe my mother was with me in spirit, if at least not in body. Your mom will be watching over you, however you choose to have your labor and delivery. Please don't let the hurt take away from the joy that is this miraculous experience.

One last thing, if your husband is adamant about letting people know, compromise by having him let them know and then setting his phone to airplane mode. If you have downtime, he can change the setting and get word out accordingly. If not, at least his phone isn't vibrating like crazy.

gallifreygirl

Well currently I'm pissed at people who seem to be treating my baby like it's a new toy that they somehow have rights to so I might be a little biased but I would be perfectly fine with not calling anyone until after the baby is born. 

Since I am having a c-section that wasn't as much of an option because DH gets off work with just enough time to reach the hospital and my sister is the one who's going to be in there with me, and we can't have my family know and not his. But I have made it very clear that I don't want a whole lot of people waiting around for me, it's in the morning they can all go eat donuts or pancakes and then come back later and I will have no problem telling them that if people show up before I'm ready to see them.

cuntasaurusrex

Call me an asshole but I think it makes you a little selfish to make your DH deny his parents involvement just because yours can't be there.  Why make him miss his own parents and their joy?  He's also a part of this and should have a say in how shit goes down.  I'm not saying they should be allowed in the delivery room to see your freshly stretched ladyhole, but maybe compromise a little to include them in the excitement. 

@symphony4586, I doubt anyone is excited to welcome a hemorrhoid into the world, and if you can't see the difference between a colonoscopy and a BIRTH, you're a little slow this morning.

iris427

I don't think you have any obligation to call people while in labor. My MIL got impatient while I was laboring with my first and even though she knew we didn't want visitors during labor she ended up literally barging into my hospital room at the worst possible time, and I'm still pissed about it. And I made my own parents wait 2 weeks before visiting when we had our first because I knew it would be the best thing for me. I say do what you need for your own mental health.

Soon2BMrsN

symphony4586 said:

aliletz said:

Call me an asshole but I think it makes you a little selfish to make your DH deny his parents involvement just because yours can't be there.  Why make him miss his own parents and their joy?  He's also a part of this and should have a say in how shit goes down.  I'm not saying they should be allowed in the delivery room to see your freshly stretched ladyhole, but maybe compromise a little to include them in the excitement. 

@symphony4586, I doubt anyone is excited to welcome a hemorrhoid into the world, and if you can't see the difference between a colonoscopy and a BIRTH, you're a little slow this morning.

Again, then they can know when kid is out.. until then they have just about as much right to information about my vagina as they would to information about his asshole.

I just don't get the OP being told she's taking away from her DH's experience because she doesn't want to share updates on the state of her cervix. SO knows if he even tried that crap he'd be kicked out as soon as anyone else would.

Really, you'd kick your own SO out? That seems a bit extreme.

cuntasaurusrex

symphony4586 said:

Call me an asshole but I think it makes you a little selfish to make your DH deny his parents involvement just because yours can't be there.  Why make him miss his own parents and their joy?  He's also a part of this and should have a say in how shit goes down.  I'm not saying they should be allowed in the delivery room to see your freshly stretched ladyhole, but maybe compromise a little to include them in the excitement. 

@symphony4586, I doubt anyone is excited to welcome a hemorrhoid into the world, and if you can't see the difference between a colonoscopy and a BIRTH, you're a little slow this morning.

Again, then they can know when kid is out.. until then they have just about as much right to information about my vagina as they would to information about his asshole. I just don't get the OP being told she's taking away from her DH's experience because she doesn't want to share updates on the state of her cervix. SO knows if he even tried that crap he'd be kicked out as soon as anyone else would.

So everything is that black and white?  Is that how your DH would share information ?  "Oh hi dad, @symphony4586's cunt is stretching, so we're almost there!"  "Oooh her gash just ripped, let me measure it for you!"

No, I think "the baby is coming, I'll let you know when I have more info!"  is fine.  And then maybe "She's about halfway there, doing okay but getting tired" or something.  It doesn't have to be a blow-by-blow account of every minute detail.  There are shades of gray here.  Also being a FTM to what is likely my ILs' one and only grandchild, I understand that while I don't necessarily want everyone in the hospital and up my ass following the birth, that levels of compromise are to be reached to keep everyone feeling valued and happy, because that's what family is about.

The argument that childbirth is akin to your husband's asshole is about as asinine as breastfeeding being compared to pissing in public.


ETA:  If OP's DH wasn't wanting to share the info, that's another story, but he does, and wants his family to be involved.  Soooo, compromise.  It's half his kid too.

iris427

symphony4586 said:

aliletz said:

Call me an asshole but I think it makes you a little selfish to make your DH deny his parents involvement just because yours can't be there.  Why make him miss his own parents and their joy?  He's also a part of this and should have a say in how shit goes down.  I'm not saying they should be allowed in the delivery room to see your freshly stretched ladyhole, but maybe compromise a little to include them in the excitement. 

@symphony4586, I doubt anyone is excited to welcome a hemorrhoid into the world, and if you can't see the difference between a colonoscopy and a BIRTH, you're a little slow this morning.

Again, then they can know when kid is out.. until then they have just about as much right to information about my vagina as they would to information about his asshole.

I just don't get the OP being told she's taking away from her DH's experience because she doesn't want to share updates on the state of her cervix. SO knows if he even tried that crap he'd be kicked out as soon as anyone else would.

I agree. Just because a woman is pregnant, doesn't mean she loses her right to privacy. Yes, call people once the baby is delivered and let them know. But people aren't entitled to know that she is in labor or what her cervix is doing. Who knows what her relationship with her ILs is like, but based on some of the inappropriate and asshole behavior I've seen from family/ILs when I had my kids and other relatives had theirs, sometimes a little distance really is best. she should be able to decide for herself who she wants there and how much info she wants given out.

Katieryan13

Maybe your DH can call his parents when you go into labor and strongly let them know the next time they will be notified is when the baby is here. Have him put his phone away and turn it off so y'all will not be bothered. I do think making them wait a few weeks is a long time to see their grandchild.

lowerygirl

I don't understand the whole "nobody has the right for details on my vagina". An update doesn't mean that you have to tell them how dilated you are or etc....just something along the lines of "dr said it could be a few more hours", "she doing okay, just getting some rest". I think to immediately say that people don't need updates on your vagina is a little overboard.

[Deleted User]

Katieryan13 said:

Maybe your DH can call his parents when you go into labor and strongly let them know the next time they will be notified is when the baby is here. Have him put his phone away and turn it off so y'all will not be bothered. I do think making them wait a few weeks is a long time to see their grandchild.

This is what I was going to suggest. We called our parents when I was in beginning labor with DS and then not again until he was born. I also mostly labored over night which made that easier because they were sleeping and not calling us for updates (which they fortunately wouldn't have done anyway).

I don't necessarily think it's bad to request they wait a few weeks to come visit, either, if your DH is okay with it. I was an anxious mess when DS was born trying to figure out how the heck to care for him, breastfeeding, recovering, etc. I didn't even really want visitors who only stayed for a couple hours, never mind house guests (would they stay with you or in a hotel?). I wouldn't have felt at all comfortable having my ILs hanging around all day (MIL by herself probably would have been okay but not FIL - I wouldn't have felt comfortable nursing in front of him or escaping for a 15 minute sitz bath). It really does depend on your relationship. Will they be really helpful to have around or will you feel obligated to entertain/feed/etc them? It's not like they have to wait two months to come - even by 3 weeks postpartum you might feel adjusted enough and ready for out-of-town visitors. I don't think it's out of line to ask them just for a little bit of time to get settled at home before they fly out. Ultimately, it'll be something you and your H have to decide together but hopefully you can compromise.

Sandrea2

Thank you @LeaLupins‌. I was starting to feel really bad having my behavior referred to as "assholish" for needing private time after delivery. I am a super private person and although I like my in-laws, I see them once or twice a year other than the occasional Facebook chat. It is an ordeal for me to have houseguests at any time because I DO feel the need to have all the food and accommodations ready and convenient when someone stays, much less the stress of the new baby on top of that. I just want time to get my life together before I open it up to anyone. Even though they have the best intentions, I need to be able to breastfeed and look my worst, and stay in bed when I need to, not worry about whether the Inlaws have breakfast.

Skeemer

symphony4586 said:

I'd kick anyone out who was sharing personal medical information I didn't want shared. Period. But then again he respects the fact that it's my body and my choice, so I don't have to worry about it. *shrug*

I haven't seen anyone say that he should do whatever he wants. We've only suggested other options & talking more about something they can happily agree on.

pfeilele

Most people actually DON'T want to know the status of a woman's vagina when they ask for updates, so there's that.

Anyways... OP, your feelings are definitely valid, but just because your parents can't be there doesn't mean his parents should miss out! If the tables were turned, I'm sure you'd be hurt by his request. Turn phones on silent if necessary. I understand not wanting a bunch of visitors...I really really do. However, your kid also deserves some time with grandparents. They change so much in the first few weeks. Tell them they need to get a hotel. That's a reasonable request. If you give them some respect, chances are, they'll do the same for you.

cuntasaurusrex

Sandrea2 said:

Thank you @LeaLupins‌. I was starting to feel really bad having my behavior referred to as "assholish" for needing private time after delivery. I am a super private person and although I like my in-laws, I see them once or twice a year other than the occasional Facebook chat. It is an ordeal for me to have houseguests at any time because I DO feel the need to have all the food and accommodations ready and convenient when someone stays, much less the stress of the new baby on top of that. I just want time to get my life together before I open it up to anyone. Even though they have the best intentions, I need to be able to breastfeed and look my worst, and stay in bed when I need to, not worry about whether the Inlaws have breakfast.

I don't think wanting time to yourself to bond with your family is asshole-ish, just cutting them out *completely* is.  Hell, I'm not letting my ILs stay with us, either for reasons similiar to these- who needs to play hostess?!  We only see them once every year or so as well.  They're staying about 15 miles away with SIL, and will come over after calling only.  Compromise, ya feel me?

jnnfrrose6

Sandrea2 said:

Thank you @LeaLupins‌. I was starting to feel really bad having my behavior referred to as "assholish" for needing private time after delivery. I am a super private person and although I like my in-laws, I see them once or twice a year other than the occasional Facebook chat. It is an ordeal for me to have houseguests at any time because I DO feel the need to have all the food and accommodations ready and convenient when someone stays, much less the stress of the new baby on top of that. I just want time to get my life together before I open it up to anyone. Even though they have the best intentions, I need to be able to breastfeed and look my worst, and stay in bed when I need to, not worry about whether the Inlaws have breakfast.

None of this is unreasonable.  What seems unreasonable to most (as far as I can gather, and I'm in this camp so admittedly biased) is the idea that DH can't inform his parents you are in labor when it's go time simply because you have a fear that they will constantly call for updates or immediately book a flight out to stay with you.  That is where most people continue to push against you on your post.  There is nothing wrong with wanting just your family and the doctor in the room, or wanting time to get together/recover before house guests.  However, refusing your husband the phone call to his parents when his child is being born (because it isn't just your kid here) is excessive.  Again, talk to DH, set boundaries for family and friends, and stick to them.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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lowerygirl

symphony4586 said:

@Sandrea2 you say that you have been taking Bradley method classes, are you still taking them or have you already completed them? If you are still in the class it might not hurt to ask the instructor to touch on how stress and/or unwanted interruptions can affect or even stall labor and delivery. While SO always supported and respected my wishes I think it helped him have a better understanding of *why* I was asking for those things when he heard about the possible outcomes if others chose not to respect our birth plan. 

I'm still failing to see how her husband sending a quick text is considered an interruption. Him sending a quick text about the status of HIS baby will not interrupt anything. To completely deny the husband of doing anything at all besides focusing on you (you in general), is completely selfish. As mentioned before, labor could take a really long time and I could not imagine making my husband not be able to talk/text/do anything other than focus on me for what could be 24+ hours.

kweaver123

If he wants to make the call when labor starts and you are just. Concerned about him getting distracted by multiple calls have him make the call and then have him just shut the phone off. He cal forewarn them that after the call he will have his phone off and will call once he gets a chance when the baby arrives. I think making grandparents waiting weeks to see the little one is a bit excessive but to each there own.

EllaSmella

As far as updating during labor - I would just use the excuse that you were both so caught up in the excitement/activity that there was no time for updates. In my experience, they will just be so excited the baby has arrived that they will forget about getting updates. It's your labor, do it how you want.

But, I will also say that I agree with PP that two weeks is a really long time to wait for a visit. I understand your want/need for privacy, as I am the same way, but if this is their first/only grandchild, that seems excessive. If I were you, I would let them know that you'll be ready for visitors once you're home from the hospital and have had a few days to settle in. Just be very clear about what "visiting" means to you - ie - make sure they understand that you're looking for visitors for a few hours at a time, not a few days at a time etc.

chrinikki1

I can complete empathize with you @sandrea2.  I am in the same boat, not wanting anyone but DH, LO around the first couple of weeks.  However, DH sat me down one night and reminded me that this isn't just about us... that his family is very close and a first grandchild/nephew is a BIG deal to them.  He helped me understand that my feelings of being smothered/overwhelmed are because I don't have a close family.  He voiced his opinion that he feels it would be taking away his and their joy and that he doesn't want that... he nicely worded "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU" and "IT'S NOT JUST YOUR KID".  I was able to wrap my head around my own issues which helped me compromise.  While I am going to let him manage his family and when he decides to tell them all, we agreed 1) no one besides us in delivery; 2) If someone shows up uninvited it's their problem and I wont be taking on the pressure to people please; and 3) we stay a TEAM so checking out to answer phones/textes at inappropriate times if a definite NO. 

We have communicated our goals to family/friends and although they don't understand or like it, they don't have a choice.  And... they know what is coming so it helps lessen their hurt feelings more than a "surprise, you weren't invited" conversation would.

knitsandgiggles

Labor can be a long process. Maybe it would help your husband if he was able to call his parents at least to let them know that grandchild arrival is imminent. If they take it upon themselves to come visit immediately even after you AND your husband have decided they can't visit for a few weeks, then they are just being ridiculous. At the same time, telling grandparents they shouldn't come for weeks seems extreme. Your husband may be happy for the company as you will be primarily spending the most time with your newborn, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Also, you likely aren't going to have anymore time or energy to take care of house guests at 3 or 4 weeks, so I see that as a non-issue. Most people know what they are getting into when they visit a house with a newborn.

FWIW, my mother is no longer with me and my father is out of the picture pretty much so it is just the ILs. Then live pretty far away. DH called them to say the induction started at 7:00am and then called them at 4:30am to say DD was born. The early labor was pretty low key so he even took work calls while I watched TV or knit. It helped keep him occupied until the real fun started. Once second phase started, he was on point and with it.