MIL vent

lizztheo · May 2014

So while my MIL insists that she respects our parenting choices (namely no spanking and positive discipline approach) and will follow them, she constantly posts pro-spanking things on facebook. We had a huge argument about it months ago and she still does it. I try to ignore it but the general message behind all of them is "if you don't spank your child, they won't be behaved/won't respect you/blah blah blah". When she posts things like this, it makes me really nervous to let her babysit my children. We have had other issues with babysitting so in-laws babysitting is kept at a minimum but they still watch him about one or two evenings a month. My son has started "acting out" with hitting and biting and I am just worried that she won't be following our positive discipline approach (which we have gone over with her before). Am I overly worried? Would you bring it up again with her?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

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lizztheo · May 2014

AudeSapere89 said:

I suggest you look into that babysitter/nanny website. I think care.com? It even has background checks, reviews etc. If you only need help 1-2 times a month I would look at that option. You always need to trust your care provider which you don't.

We don't "need" a sitter at all. They insist and they live 10 houses down (whole other story-we were here first and they bought the house without asking or even telling us). I trust my parents and they babysit and so MIL gets upset that we "never let her watch him" but that my parents do. My husband thinks I am overreacting and won't take my concerns seriously when it comes to his mother watching our son. His mother worked full time and his grandmother was his full time care provider. They think that grandparents can do whatever they want and should be able to babysit all the time. My husband and I were finally able to agree that they can babysit in our house only (and not often) because we can't trust that their house is safe for a child. If I bring up my concerns about the spanking, my husband will just say she won't and I should trust her (although he has admitted that he does not feel like his parents respect us and our wishes).

jesuisfatiguee · June 2014

This would make me nervous, too, but I admittedly have trust issues. It sounds like you do as well, at least with your MIL. I think that's the root of the issue here.

Rrrrrachel · June 2014

I wouldn't leave my child with someone I didn't trust.

nosoup4u · June 2014

Does she have other grandkids? If so, has she spanked them? Have you or your DH talked to her directly about if she would spank your kids? Do you have an actual reason not to trust her (she's left babies in unsafe situation, etc)? It really sounds like you don't like her and don't like where she stands on spanking.

In general, my kids listen to both sets of grandparents better than they do w DH and I. They have fun w them, and don't have the boundary pushing that comes w how they can act w us.

All that being said, you can't make grandparents follow your dislpline strategy to a T. As long as they are nice and kind, does it really matter if they aren't doing it the same way you would?

Myaflowers · June 2014

My MIL keeps DD one day a week and believes in 'spare the rod, spoil the child.' DH already talked to her and told her that we have no plans to allow anyone to spank DD. DH told her that if she doesn't respect our wishes, she won't be allowed to keep DD anymore. She was OK with it, but I would be concerned if she were posting things like that on FB. I would have DH talk to your MIL again and make sure she knows if they don't respect your parenting style, then she won't be keeping your DS anymore.

=Lee=B · June 2014

My first reaction would be to change my settings so I don't she her posts and I would not go to her page to see anything.

That won't fix the trust issues and how she will treat your child but it will at least stop her from stressing you out as much!

If she gets upset that you let your mom babysit more than her and says something to you then your response should be a clear "my mother has agreed to respect my wishes on discipline and your posts on facebook clearly lead me to believe that you don't. Make it know that it is HER actions that are preventing her from being asked to babysit.

lizztheo · June 2014

nosoup4u said:

Does she have other grandkids? If so, has she spanked them? Have you or your DH talked to her directly about if she would spank your kids? Do you have an actual reason not to trust her (she's left babies in unsafe situation, etc)? It really sounds like you don't like her and don't like where she stands on spanking. In general, my kids listen to both sets of grandparents better than they do w DH and I. They have fun w them, and don't have the boundary pushing that comes w how they can act w us. All that being said, you can't make grandparents follow your dislpline strategy to a T. As long as they are nice and kind, does it really matter if they aren't doing it the same way you would?

This is her first grandchild and we have spoken to her directly about it and she says she will not spank him. Yes, I have reasons not to trust her. Without going into a list, the reason why she cannot babysit him at her house is because we went to pick him up at their house and they were playing with him on their bed and the nightstand had over a dozen insulin syringes on it (she's diabetic) clearly within his reach. I did not want to ever let them babysit again but I had to compromise with my husband and we spoke to them about how dangerous this was and they are no longer allowed to babysit at their house. It makes me incredibly nervous to have them babysit at all but this is an issue that I have fought about with my husband multiple times about.

I have been somewhat okay with her watching him at our house 2x a month, for maybe 2 hours each time. But now, she is talking about getting a carseat so she can take him places and I'm just not comfortable with that. My husband sides with his mother because my mom has a carseat (it is rarely used) but my mother does not work and takes my son when I have weekly NSTs. I just hate that because my mother does one thing, MIL does the same thing or expects it should be that way with her too when we have had way more issues with ILs not respecting wishes.

rae_dylanzmom · June 2014

Here's a thought.... is it possible to shift your own communication to a positive discipline approach? By that I mean focusing on telling your ILs what discipline you DO want instead of focusing on what you don't want her to do.

=Lee=B · June 2014

This is her first grandchild and we have spoken to her directly about it and she says she will not spank him. Yes, I have reasons not to trust her. Without going into a list, the reason why she cannot babysit him at her house is because we went to pick him up at their house and they were playing with him on their bed and the nightstand had over a dozen insulin syringes on it (she's diabetic) clearly within his reach. I did not want to ever let them babysit again but I had to compromise with my husband and we spoke to them about how dangerous this was and they are no longer allowed to babysit at their house. It makes me incredibly nervous to have them babysit at all but this is an issue that I have fought about with my husband multiple times about.

I have been somewhat okay with her watching him at our house 2x a month, for maybe 2 hours each time. But now, she is talking about getting a carseat so she can take him places and I'm just not comfortable with that. My husband sides with his mother because my mom has a carseat (it is rarely used) but my mother does not work and takes my son when I have weekly NSTs. I just hate that because my mother does one thing, MIL does the same thing or expects it should be that way with her too when we have had way more issues with ILs not respecting wishes.

I don't see this as being an issue. If the grandparents were on the bed playing with him then they were supervising him and would be there should he try to get the syringes. I would think that the large majority of grandparents have objects on their end tables and coffee tables and throughout their homes that are not suitable for a young child. They are supervising the children so it isn't a problem.

I can't help but feel that this was an over reaction. I would have spoken to them about your concerns and asked them to baby proof and supervise to ensure your child's safety but I don't think I would refuse to let them have your child at their house because they have objects on their end tables that are not meant for children.

WeLiveInMaine · September 2014

It sound like your MIL is being passive aggressive. If you want there to be trust in this situation I think better communication is the first step. She clearly had an issue with what your doing but feels life she can't express herself. It could be that she is just really guilty about spanking her children and that's making her defensive. She may not even still hold the same belief but feels like admitting that would be admitting she was wrong. People have the hardest time letting themselves off the hook when new information changes what they belive. Start with the common ground and work in the direction of a solution that makes everyone happy.

hopanka · September 2014

Why not let her come over once or twice a month like you have, but stay in the house? If you dont trust her, dont leave. It can still count as babysitting, as you may be in a completely different part of the house or yard going about your housework and you wont hover over her while she's tending to the child. you may be able to sell this option to her successfully, if you make it seem like she is really helping you out so you can do your housework in peace and especially if you do give her space so she can spend time with him (seemingly) unsupervised.

vballbaby · November 2014

I would find it very unnerving if I'd talked to MIL about our no spanking approach and she posts the opposite on FB. It's passive aggressive, I would feel like she was directing it at me esp since this is her first grandchild. And I would be upset about the syringes too..they need to put dangerous (and esp sharp) objects away. In my opinion, you definitely have a valid reason for being upset and I hope that you can have some meaningful communication with her to set your mind at ease and build up your trust again.

irispearl · December 2014

Trust your gut. If MIL is putting subversive , pro- spanking posts in FB, then she is digging herself deeper into a hole. Limit her time alone with LO and get a nanny cam. If she can't abide by your rules, then she shouldn't be allowed to watch your kids.

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