Decision to Become a SAHM?

lhbird87 · May 2014

Hi,

This will be my first post here so I hope nobody minds if I drop by to ask a few questions. I am PG with our first and in the situation where I'm trying to figure out whether it's best for me to stay home after the baby is born or go back to work ASAP. My situation is kind of complicated, but I just want to know from anyone who is willing to share:

*How and why did you become a stay at home mom?

*Are there any of you out there who feel like you save more money than you would make, or like what you would have left after childcare wouldn't be worth working for?

I would love to hear the different responses. TIA

penguingrrl · May 2014

I became a SAHM for two reasons. The first is that right when our oldest was born DH was starting graduate school. We knew he needed the ability to work insanely long hours and focus, to travel last minute to visit collaborators and generally operate almost as a single person would in order to complete his degree. That level of dedication definitely would have been hindered by having to be available when I worked late or routinely be in charge of drop off, pick up and time that I was at work when daycare was closed. We also had no family within an hour, so nobody who could help if he was working late or traveling.

I also brought home significantly less than daycare was going to cost us with even one child (we were in NYC and daycare ran about $2K/month per child, I took home $1600). His income as a student was tight and we couldn't afford to have $400 less take home per month in order for me to work.

I've been home for just about 7 years now and mostly like it, but am starting to really crave the intellectual stimulation of working. I love my kids and love being home, but that part has been hard. I'm hoping to return to work in the next few years now that my oldest two will be in full day school come August and we're moving to a MCOL area instead of VHCOL. But, getting back in will be a challenge at best. My career wasn't well established yet and we're moving to a new area, so getting a foot in the door may be impossible or close to it. So before making a decision consider the impact taking a year or a few years off may have on your long-term career trajectory. It's common to have to start at the very beginning again after taking a long break or have difficulty returning at all. Certain fields are easier to return to than others, but we're likely looking at me returning to school for a bit to refresh my skills, improve them and have current references.

Good luck making a decision! It's not one to make lightly, but has been mostly a joy and pleasure!

rosesandpetals · May 2014

Whether or not it's "worth" it totally depends on what you would use your income for. If it would go toward your mortgage/rent, then you should keep working. If it would just go into an extra vacation budget and you're willing to downgrade that part of your life, then you could SAH. You just need to look at what cuts you would need to make and whether you're okay with making them. Some people give up cable, some people aren't okay with that -- it depends on your lifestyle.

MomIn2013 · May 2014

Hi and welcome!

I always knew I would love to stay at home (at least until my kids were in school, anyway) but never knew if I'd be able to.

Thankfully DH got a job shortly after DS was born that pays enough that we can afford for me to stay home. I'm in kind of a unique situation, though, as far as the decision went - DH and I lived about 2 hours apart until I was 7 months pregnant, at which point I left my job to move to the same city as him, so returning to that job after mat leave wasn't really an option anyway.

If I hadn't had to leave my job altogether to move it might have been tempting to go back after the year off, though, as I would have been making close to $3000 a month after childcare expenses.

notkateanymore · May 2014

I'm curious what makes your situation complicated, because depending what it is, our personal stories won't help you at all.

Aussie45 · May 2014

It really is a personal choice. For me, my job was just that...a job, one that I hated even. For me to give up my time just so I could work would be pointless (in my mind and my situation). We had childcare at my last workplace, but it's still time that I'm missing out on, getting up early and being tired a lot of the time. For us, it just wasn't worth it and not what I wanted to do.

NicoleWI · May 2014

Everyone's situation is so different. I worked FT until I went to 4 days/week a year ago, and then left in early March this year. I knew for a long time I would prefer to be a SAHM, but I can appreciate that there are many benefits to working. In our case, I had to work FT at my job or not at all, and FT had become just too much for me. They would only consider the 4-days/week as a transition-out time, to keep me a bit longer. It was a great career but I had been doing it 12 years and was somewhat burnt out anyway. Most opportunities for me in my exact field would be FT and downtown, which is about a 40 minute drive. I just wasn't up for that anymore. If I could work PT, close to home, and still make a decent income, that would be something I'd definitely consider. That said, I love being home so far. I haven't been doing it long enough for it to get old yet.

DH owns a business and he has long/irregular hours. If we were both to continue in our jobs and do a good job (I was starting to coast as much as possible), we would have needed childcare much more than I was personally comfortable with. Some people LOVE camps, etc and the kids do too, but I (just me!) hated the idea of my kids going to before/after care at school. I had no idea how we'd get them too/from activities. I hated the idea of my daughter (who is sensitive) starting 5K and me not being able to be home/close by for her. I wanted my kids to have more old-fashioned, "free" summers, like I did as a kid. I didn't like being 40 minutes away and I was soooo tired of my commuting route. If my kids had special things at school, it was going to be very difficult for me to be there, and I wanted to be there. Already with DD1 in preschool there are parent helper days, special programs, and field trips. ALL the kids brought someone (grandma, parent, whatever) and I wanted to be able to be that person for my kids.

I wanted us to be able to have greater flexibility for family time around DH's job.

Child care costs weren't the main factor at all, but it WAS frustrating to spend SO MUCH on child care. I also got tired of not knowing exactly what was going on/dealing with various child care issues.

My income was "security" and extras, but I carried insurance so that's a big hit, too. It was hard to give up but we are fine.

I stuck it out for a long time b/c I wanted to get those years of income and benefits, and for me, it seemed that the start of school years was MORE when I would need to be home for my kids. I'm very glad to have the chance to stay home right now. I expect I'll go back to work someday, but not sure when/what that will be. Just enjoying this stage for now.

lhbird87 · May 2014

KateMW said:

I'm curious what makes your situation complicated, because depending what it is, our personal stories won't help you at all.

The short version of the story is that I have two chronic health conditions that started interfering with my life about October 2013. We were in the diagnosis process when I got pregnant (not trying, which I only say because I wouldn't have gotten PG on purpose while taking the meds I was. That was scary until we got it straightened out.) One is a seizure disorder that is likely epilepsy, but we don't know for sure until they do more testing after the baby comes, even though anti-epileptic drugs are the only thing that helps. I also have an inflammatory arthritis which in my case basically means i have all the signs and symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis but my antibodies aren't high enough to indicate that as the diagnosis or the cause of my joint damage, symptoms, and inflammation. So really we don't know for sure yet, but we know I have chronic health issues.

At the time this all started DH and I were both going back to college in our mid-20's to finish our 4-year degrees in graphic design, working part time at a call center, doing internships, and doing some freelance work when we could get it. We were looking forward to careers and while we both really wanted kids we knew it was pretty much an awful time and that was a thing to worry about in the future.

In January 2014 I lost my call center job due to too much missed time, most of which was literally due to having seizures before or during my shifts. Even though I literally had them at work and had to be walked to the door and driven home, it didn't matter because I didn't qualify for protection from being fired under FMLA due to being part time. It's not that they did me wrong, as they found a way for me to leave and be rehirable even though on paper I was "terminated".

So I haven't worked since January aside from continuing some of the freelance... And I realize some might think "Oh my gosh why weren't you being more careful" and while I really don't want to go into that you'll just have to trust me that we WERE trying to prevent pregnancy and I wasn't able to take hormonal contraception at the time... but in early April we found out we were expecting when I was a week late. Then we graduated in May when I was 9 weeks along.

DH already got a job but it doesn't pay much in terms of our field. He has some opportunity for raises and/or bonuses and is likely poised to get a better job in the near future IMO. I have tried, but so far I've only had one informal interview for a job I'm overqualified for which ended in the guy telling me my degree was worthless, scoffing at how much my freelance clients pay, and telling me I'm worth $9.00 an hour (less than I made at the call center). I feel like the further along I get and the more I start showing the harder it will be to get a job... plus I'm not in a good position to negotiate leave if I do. And if I'm getting paid $9.00 an hour for a job that isn't really what I want daycare costs really don't seem worth it. I'd rather be home calling the shots about the details of how my baby is cared for rather than trusting a stranger.

So I'm worried about not being able to get leave since I'd be starting a new job. I'm worried about not being able to get hired. I'm worried about daycare costs, and I'm worried about my health... like even though I haven't had a seizure in 7 weeks and the arthritis thing seems to be suddenly inactive/in remission due to pregnancy (automatic immune-suppressed state) I don't know if things are going to stay that way. I might explain more later if anyone has questions but I have to get going

Thanks for all the input so far.

jensriot · May 2014

*How and why did you become a stay at home mom?

I wanted to SAH when DD1 was born, but we were living a bit beyond our means. I had a career I really enjoyed, but I wanted to be with her. It wasn't possible at the time. I remember the heartache leaving her the first time. Oh man, that was tough, but it got easier and I believe she benefited from daycare. During an off week for her daycare, DH took vacation and stayed home with DD. She was probably 8 mo. I don't know why that week did it (maybe jealousy?), but during that week I decided I wanted to be home. DH and I put together a plan to be able to live on only his income. It took a while, but we got our budget under control and when DD2 was born, I resigned. I just wanted to spend the time with my kids.

I sometimes miss the work. Just recently my old boss contacted me about a job. It was perfect, but I weighed it out, and I still prefer to be at home with the kids. We do things that would be harder or close to impossible if I worked, swim lessons, playdates, my volunteer group I meet with weekly, the zoo, etc. I really love being able to run off to a museum or park whenever we want to go.

*Are there any of you out there who feel like you save more money than you would make, or like what you would have left after childcare wouldn't be worth working for?

I had a pretty decent salary that would have covered daycare and more. Money was an issue for us in the beginning because we spent a ridiculous amount on expensive cars and we were house poor (we made some silly decisions). We do have more money now, but because we are smarter with our spending and budget. Maybe deciding to SAH was the catalyst, but it isn't the reason we have more.

I agree with PP that the job is/can be so much more than the paycheck. If working is what a person wants to do, then they shouldn't stay home just because they don't make enough for the job to be "worth it". If that makes sense.

Eta: this is just my experience and certainly doesn't apply to anyone else. Without knowing your situation, it shouldn't be considered advice.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

Um in this post you said you can't afford to stay home so Unless something has changed you need to get a job. https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12341001/how-to-navigate-a-job-change#latest

lhbird87 · May 2014

Andrewsgal said:
Um in this post you said you can't afford to stay home so Unless something has changed you need to get a job.
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12341001/how-to-navigate-a-job-change#latest

I find your reply pretty rude and I'm not sure what you're trying to prove. Forgive me if I misunderstand your intentions and over-react as a result. My situation hasn't changed much, although my perspective has... It shifts as I learn more information.

What people can and can't afford is more flexible than most people think. I am extremely financially cautious, so for me I'm sure I can afford a lot of things I think I can't. Perhaps I am willing to live with less cushion than I would like... But I don't know why I should have to defend myself. I haven't lied or done anything wrong...

I am glad you know enough about my medical history and finances to tell me when im ready to return to work. May I ask why you care? What about my situation perturbs you?

Andrewsgal · May 2014

WTF? You specifically said. And I quote "So because I'm no longer in school I am now unemployed and my hubby's income probably just won't be enough right now. "

YOU said you can't afford to stay home your husband does not make enough money. Therefore it seems pretty cut and dry. It's really not rocket science. If you can't afford it you can't ford it, you can't make money magically appear.

And. Wtf is this about me caring you asked for opinions on a public message board and I gave you my opinion see that is how this works.

lhbird87 · May 2014

Andrewsgal said:
WTF? You specifically said. And I quote "So because I'm no longer in school I am now unemployed and my hubby's income probably just won't be enough right now. "

YOU said you can't afford to stay home your husband does not make enough money. Therefore it seems pretty cut and dry. It's really not rocket science. If you can't afford it you can't ford it, you can't make money magically appear.

These claims, which I made, are subject to interpretation. In this case, my own. I didn't state facts and figures and a mathematical formula which shows that we can't possibly afford it. You can make money appear and it isn't magic... But budgeting and being frugal.

I don't think there's a perfect choice for us. The situation stinks regardless of how we handle it. I just don't understand why you have such a strong opinion.

Also DH had conversations with friends who have kids and make less or the same as him... Some of their spouses don't work. Apparently it's possible. I would have never imagined.

lhbird87 · May 2014

Why do people like to start arguments with strangers on the internet?

Andrewsgal · May 2014

Okay who left the gate open? That is two in one day. Pretty soon they are going to take over.

lhbird87 · May 2014

Would you like to explain your remark? Who are "they" exactly?

lhbird87 · May 2014

Andrewsgal said:
...And. Wtf is this about me caring you asked for opinions on a public message board and I gave you my opinion see that is how this works.

I kind of assumed they wouldn't consist of personal attacks. How foolish of me.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

...And. Wtf is this about me caring you asked for opinions on a public message board and I gave you my opinion see that is how this works.
I kind of assumed they wouldn't consist of personal attacks. How foolish of me.

who personally attacked you? I sure as heck didn't.

lhbird87 · May 2014

Andrewsgal said:
Okay who left the gate open? That is two in one day. Pretty soon they are going to take over.

Are you sure? What about the girl you told she was slow was she the other one of the "two in one day?"

Goodbye Troll.

jensriot · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

...And. Wtf is this about me caring you asked for opinions on a public message board and I gave you my opinion see that is how this works.
I kind of assumed they wouldn't consist of personal attacks. How foolish of me.

there was no personal attack. If you can't afford to live on his income, you likely need to get a job. That is not personal, just a fact.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

Okay who left the gate open? That is two in one day. Pretty soon they are going to take over.
Are you sure? What about the girl you told she was slow was she the other one of the "two in one day?" Goodbye Troll.

Snort you mean when I called Nanda slow? Lol this really just made me laugh. Um nanda and I are friends it was a total joke and she took it as such. You should probably hang around more before you start spouting off about stuff you know nothing about, oh and the word troll? I don't think it means what you think it does.

jensriot · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

Okay who left the gate open? That is two in one day. Pretty soon they are going to take over.
Are you sure? What about the girl you told she was slow was she the other one of the "two in one day?" Goodbye Troll.

I seriously just LOLed. My kids want to know what is so funny.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

@NandaB‌ I am sorry I personally attacked you. Sorrynotsorry.

)

rosesandpetals · May 2014

Can you make ends meet on just your H's income? Do you qualify for some sort of aid (disability, maybe?) If I were you, I would look into the future a little bit. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. What will your H's job/salary be like in 6 months? A year? 2 years? When H started his job, he made crap for money but we knew after he hit the 1 year mark that phase would be over and he did get a significant raise at that point. We didn't have DD back then but if we did, we could have muddled through it knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

If you think it's a situation like that where he just needs to get some experience and then he will be able to apply to other companies or his salary will significantly increase then you could try to SAH and make some sacrifices in the short term. And I suggest this only because if you are really sick, then you will need to be flexible to make appointments and work on getting healthier.

Do you live in a HCOL or LCOL area? Do you have family around who can help with the baby? What would happen if you had a seizure when alone with the baby, would you need to go to the hospital? Would DH be able to leave work and watch him/her or would you be able to have family babysit or hire a sitter? Can your H pick up some freelance work on the weekends or evenings to help out until you get your medical issues sorted out? Sorry you're dealing with this. GL.

lhbird87 · May 2014

I care. Your regs aren't kind to newcomers.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

I care. Your regs aren't kind to newcomers.

I was not unkind. You specifically said you couldn't afford to SAH. I simply pointed out what YOU had already said. I am sorry you are dealing with all this, but if you can't afford it you can't afford it. You also said in your other post that you are not having seizures when pregnant so it seems a really good time now to get a job.

rosesandpetals · May 2014

Can you be a troll if you're a reg?

Andrewsgal · May 2014

Really you went to another board to tattle on us? That didn't work out so well.

lhbird87 · May 2014

roses&65335678 said:
Can you make ends meet on just your H's income? Do you qualify for some sort of aid (disability, maybe?) If I were you, I would look into the future a little bit. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. What will your H's job/salary be like in 6 months? A year? 2 years? When H started his job, he made crap for money but we knew after he hit the 1 year mark that phase would be over and he did get a significant raise at that point. We didn't have DD back then but if we did, we could have muddled through it knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

If you think it's a situation like that where he just needs to get some experience and then he will be able to apply to other companies or his salary will significantly increase then you could try to SAH and make some sacrifices in the short term. And I suggest this only because if you are really sick, then you will need to be flexible to make appointments and work on getting healthier.

Do you live in a HCOL or LCOL area? Do you have family around who can help with the baby? What would happen if you had a seizure when alone with the baby, would you need to go to the hospital? Would DH be able to leave work and watch him/her or would you be able to have family babysit or hire a sitter? Can your H pick up some freelance work on the weekends or evenings to help out until you get your medical issues sorted out? Sorry you're dealing with this. GL.

Thanks so much for being kind and understanding the situation. So many people don't understand what it's like and the decisions you're faced with when you have a chronic health problem like epilepsy or an autoimmune disease (if that's what it ends up being in the end of the diagnosis process). I'm not trying to get sympathy by saying that. I was never looking for anyone's permission to be a SAHM. That's a decision up to me and my husband...

You've brought up some things I didn't think of before. I worry a lot about dropping the baby although I get an aura so I think I would know and have time to put him or her down before losing control.

In terms of dh's job he has so much potential to make more than enough. Just not right now... So our sacrifices and living on less than we would like wouldn't be permanent.

Mrs.Greg · May 2014

JenS2203 said:

lhbird87 said:

...And. Wtf is this about me caring you asked for opinions on a public message board and I gave you my opinion see that is how this works.
I kind of assumed they wouldn't consist of personal attacks. How foolish of me.

there was no personal attack. If you can't afford to live on his income, you likely need to get a job. That is not personal, just a fact.

Agreed. This is a pretty standard answer around here. Sure, you can be frugal, put less into savings, etc but if you honestly can't afford to live off your DH's income and you come here saying so, we're suggest you work. I'm sorry about your medical condition. If you truly can't work because of medical issues, I doubt anyone here could really give you any real advice.

notkateanymore · May 2014

Keep your job, Snowflake.

lhbird87 · May 2014

KateMW said:
Keep your job, Snowflake.

I don't have one because I lost it for having weekly seizures?

Andrewsgal · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

Keep your job, Snowflake.
I don't have one because I lost it for having weekly seizures?

oh burn. I bet you feel bad now Kate! I mean that was the point right?

lhbird87 · May 2014

Andrewsgal said:

lhbird87 said:

KateMW said:
Keep your job, Snowflake.
I don't have one because I lost it for having weekly seizures?

oh burn. I bet you feel bad now Kate! I mean that was the point right?

Not at all I just think people are commenting without reading the full thread since it's long.

rosesandpetals · May 2014

If she wanted to tell on us, bmb isn't the place to go. Parenting would call us 8 synonyms for snobby in a hot second if they saw this. eta: not that I disagree with the general advice.

lhbird87 · May 2014

roses&65335678 said:
If she wanted to tell on us, bmb isn't the place to go. Parenting would call us 8 synonyms for snobby in a hot second if they saw this. eta: not that I disagree with the general advice.

I just wanted to explain to them why I wouldn't be back after today... Since that's where I usually post.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

If you ask a question and want real answers it's kind of important to give all the information to begin with. The fact that you physically can't work was some pretty important information you left out to begin with.

Mrs.Hizzo · May 2014

This is kind of crappy, guys. She was nothing but courteous and respectful in her OP, and she answered the questions about the specifics of her situation very forthrightly. I'm not sure a pile-on is really necessary, here.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

But it was so necessary for her to go tell on us to another board? Honestly I was not mean to her at all until she started getting defensive and pissy. I simply stated the obvious which has been said a million times on this board. She got pissed as the truth isn't always fun and ran to her BMB. Shit there is white knighting everywhere today.

Andrewsgal · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

If she wanted to tell on us, bmb isn't the place to go. Parenting would call us 8 synonyms for snobby in a hot second if they saw this. eta: not that I disagree with the general advice.
I just wanted to explain to them why I wouldn't be back after today... Since that's where I usually post.

and yet you are still here.

rosesandpetals · May 2014

lhbird87 said:

If she wanted to tell on us, bmb isn't the place to go. Parenting would call us 8 synonyms for snobby in a hot second if they saw this. eta: not that I disagree with the general advice.
I just wanted to explain to them why I wouldn't be back after today... Since that's where I usually post.

Eh, people get flamed. It happens. If everyone left after one flaming, this place would be empty. We're all internet strangers, none of us know your lyfe so you should try to not let it get to you. eta: I meant that much more nicely than it came out. Really. : )

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