Baby Shower - Who Plans it

Melemon02 · March 2014

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here. 22 Weeks tomorrow and we are not finding out the gender of our baby. Now, this makes the baby shower different (not a gender reveal, etc).

Here is my question...

No one has said they will host the shower or wants to take charge. We plan on paying for the favors/thank yous...but no one knows that because no one has stepped up. My MIL and MOH planned my wedding shower and it went well but I have some ideas for the baby shower that I'd like to get out there and I want to HELP with this because it's not just FOR me...it's for our family and the first Grandbaby for his parents.

Who typically hosts? How do I ask who is hosting without offending anyone or assuming? I'm a big fan of planning ahead and since the third trimester will be in the summer, I want the save the date out there ASAP so people can come and not be all booked by summer fun, vacations, etc. Again, I plan a head and am the planner in the family so at a little more than halfway through, I feel like it's time to get this ball rolling.

Any advice?

Squiddly · March 2014

You can't ask who is hosting without assuming. It's up to the people in your life to offer.

mtrhomegirl · March 2014

agree with pp....you can not plan or ask people to throw you a shower.

Weezy56 · March 2014

You should not plan or host your own shower. It is also rude to ask someone else to do that. If no one offers, then there is no shower.

kareik01 · March 2014

I guess I disagree with the ladies above. Personally, I think every woman and every baby deserves a baby shower. This gift of life deserves to be celebrated by friends and family who love you and can't wait to meet your new little one.

Do you have sisters? If you do I would simply ask one of them if there has been any talk of a baby shower. If you don't, I'd ask your MIL. Don't make it sound like you're insisting someone step up, just simply inquire if the conversation has been brought up or not.

If it has, then I think it's perfectly acceptable to share your wishes and hopes for it. You certainly don't need to plan it, but I agree with you when you said this isn't for YOU, it's for the baby. So having some things the way you want is not asking too much, in my opinion.

My sisters are hosting mine, my best friend lives 12 hours away so they thought they should step up and handle this shower since she did my bridal shower.

I hope you get the beautiful shower you and baby deserve!

kareik01 · March 2014

Also, a friend of mine who didn't find out their baby's gender asked her sisters to wait until after baby was born to have the shower. It was unusual, but overall a good idea I thought. Baby was able to be passed around and loved and the presents given were still about to be given for the right gender

My hubby and I are not finding out either and have considered that idea.

mrsH1112 · March 2014

I feel bad that no one in your life has mentioned it (though they could be in talks about throwing you one and just not telling you!).

I agree with others, you really cant throw one for yourself, or ask someone to throw one for you without it being an awkward situation

I do agree with the previous poster that what you could do is maybe send an announcement to everyone letting them know to mark the date that you have a baby coming and are planning an open house to come see the baby. (maybe when you are half way through your 3rd trimester). Then people can stop by see you and the baby and lots of times they will ask if you are registered anywhere, or if there is anything you need.

oughtonk · March 2014

I'm a firm believer that it's never okay to ask people to throw you a party, bridal shower, baby shower, etc. If someone volunteers and wants to then be thankful and enjoy it, if no one offers than you don't have a shower. If someone does offer they'll most likely ask for your input but if they don't then just let them go to town and enjoy the day.

MMason12 · March 2014

Picture this....

Someone walks up to you and says, "Will you please spend hundreds of dollars throwing a party for me where you invite guest so they can spend their own money on gifts for myself and my unborn child, which I decided to have?!?!? Please!"

Seriously... it is insanely rude to ask someone to host a shower for you. Although you may feel you know, you have zero clue about people's financial situations. Maybe people cannot afford to host a shower for you. If you ask them and put them on the spot that would be a horrible thing to do.

A shower is a gift. It's something that is offered to you. No, sorry unlike someone above said you do not DESERVE a shower and you -- nor anyone else -- is OWED a shower. If no one offers to host a shower for you then I'm sorry -- you don't get one! And no, you shouldn't host your shower yourself. That's just like saying, "Come to my party and bring me gifts bit#ches!"

lmdonnel · March 2014

Do NOT ask anyone to throw you a shower! Don't even just "casually" bring it up. And definitely don't plan your own. It just comes off as rude and needy. And to be honest, the shower isn't really for baby. Baby showers are meant to welcome a new mother into motherhood, to shower her with love and support...and a few gifts if they guests choose to do so.

kareik01 · March 2014

I have hosted 2 bridal showers and one baby shower in my life. Not one of them did I host alone. I asked for help from other friends and aunts of the bride/new mom. Even though I could afford to host a shower on my own, I feel it's necessary to involve other people close to her as I'm not the only one wanting to give her a shower to remember.

I'm NOT telling her to MAKE someone host a shower for her, or to host it herself (which would be incredibly weird)! Never once did I say that. But as someone else mentioned, there could be talk about hosting a shower and no one has mentioned it to her yet. If that's the case and a shower is in the works, I see no reason why she can't know about it and give her input. Never once have I hosted a shower where I didn't ask if there was something special or in particular that my friend wanted to have or see that day since it's for her.

Not to mention, a person needs to know if they're getting a shower in order to register for gifts. I've never been to a baby shower where every single attendee didn't bring a gift. Whether it's in their financial situation or not, it's kind of an obligation as a woman to bring a gift. If you can't afford a gift, simply don't go and send a card with your love.

I also disagree that a baby shower is for the new mom. It's for the baby, also. I don't buy gifts for the mom when attending a baby shower...I buy a gift for the baby. Sure, the games played may sometimes involve advice for the new mother, but in general the point of a shower, in my opinion, is to welcome a new baby into the world with gifts and love.

lmdonnel · March 2014

kareik01 said:

I also disagree that a baby shower is for the new mom. It's for the baby, also. I don't buy gifts for the mom when attending a baby shower...I buy a gift for the baby. Sure, the games played may sometimes involve advice for the new mother, but in general the point of a shower, in my opinion, is to welcome a new baby into the world with gifts and love.

Then why don't more people wait until AFTER the baby is born to have a shower to give the new baby gifts? Sure, most of the gifts given at a shower are for the mother to use for the baby. But I certainly don't think gifts should be expected. If your sole purpose of wanting to have a shower thrown for you is to make sure you get things for the baby, then you are having it for all the wrong reasons. Common practice in my area with family and friends IS to shower the mom with gifts and love. Certainly people buy things for baby (clothes, toys, etc), but the mother also receives lots of things for herself (no, she does not register for these things): gift cards for mani/pedis and massages, books about mothering/parenting, new pillows, night gowns, etc.. I know this obviously isn't common everywhere, but I think it's a great idea! People will always be buying things for baby after he/she is born, but showering the mother right before she does one of the hardest things in her life is definitely something to consider!

kareik01 · March 2014

And I completely agree with you! 100%!

But it must be a location difference, because those types of gifts you listed for the mother are certainly not something you see around my area. I think it would be great for the mother to receive gifts, too. Of any baby shower I've gone to, I can't think of the mother getting a gift that was for her. I personally ask new mothers if there's something in particular they'd really like to receive, something they're REALLY hoping to get, which is always something for the baby.

momthatlifts · March 2014

It's pretty rude to ask. If someone doesn't offer then you don't have one. That's the case with me

cMichelle0423 · March 2014

Melemon02 said:
Hi Everyone,

I'm new here. 22 Weeks tomorrow and we are not finding out the gender of our baby. Now, this makes the baby shower different (not a gender reveal, etc).

Here is my question...

No one has said they will host the shower or wants to take charge. We plan on paying for the favors/thank yous...but no one knows that because no one has stepped up. My MIL and MOH planned my wedding shower and it went well but I have some ideas for the baby shower that I'd like to get out there and I want to HELP with this because it's not just FOR me...it's for our family and the first Grandbaby for his parents.

Who typically hosts? How do I ask who is hosting without offending anyone or assuming? I'm a big fan of planning ahead and since the third trimester will be in the summer, I want the save the date out there ASAP so people can come and not be all booked by summer fun, vacations, etc. Again, I plan a head and am the planner in the family so at a little more than halfway through, I feel like it's time to get this ball rolling.

Any advice?

QFP. ...

Also, NEVER under any circumstances do you throw your own shower or ask someone to throw one for you. A baby shower is a gift in itself. You wouldn't just walk up to a friend or family member and ask them to buy you something, right? If someone offers to throw you one, then great. If not, then I guess you don't get a baby shower.

allrightmeow · March 2014

"Personally, I think every woman and every baby deserves a baby shower. This gift of life deserves to be celebrated by friends and family who love you and can't wait to meet your new little one." And if they feel the same a friend/family member will be more than happy to host the shower without prodding from mom to be.

"Don't make it sound like you're insisting someone step up, just simply inquire if the conversation has been brought up or not." If they say no then what? Awkward silences all around? No matter how delicately you approaching it will look like you are fishing for a shower.

"I hope you get the beautiful shower you and baby deserve!" Not a woman on this site deserves a baby shower. Its a gift, not a right.

OP I have helped to plan a surprise shower for a friend before. We got her husband and her mother involved to make sure she would be available on the day. If someone graciously decides they want to throw you a shower, they are not obligated to get your input on anything. We did it with zero input from mom to be and she loved the outcome. At 22 weeks there is still more than enough time for a shower.

kareik01 · March 2014

And what if no one has stepped up because they already assume someone else has? So this poor girl doesn't deserve a shower because no one wanted to step on someone else's toes?

"I hope you get the beautiful shower you and baby deserve!" Not a woman on this site deserves a baby shower. Its a gift, not a right.
Our opinions on this differ, doesn't make either of us right or wrong...it's a matter of opinion

Unknown · March 2014

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allrightmeow · March 2014

kareik01 said:

And what if no one has stepped up because they already assume someone else has? So this poor girl doesn't deserve a shower because no one wanted to step on someone else's toes?

"I hope you get the beautiful shower you and baby deserve!" Not a woman on this site deserves a baby shower. Its a gift, not a right.
Our opinions on this differ, doesn't make either of us right or wrong...it's a matter of opinion

If no one steps up she doesn't get a shower because a shower is a gift not a right. No one is obligated to throw anyone a party for any reason. Are you telling her that if no one steps up she should throw her own shower because she "deserves" one? Other than demanding one how is she supposed to get what she and you feel she "deserves"?

You're giving this girl horrible advice and setting her up for some foolishness.

kareik01 · March 2014

If you'd read my posts above you will see I say I am NOT telling her to tell someone to host a shower for her.

I guess I can't think of what to say anymore. Everyone seems to be taking what I'm trying to say the wrong way so I better just stop. I was simply giving the girl MY OPINIONS on whether it's right or not to give her thoughts on her baby shower.

Melemon, I guess don't listen to me or my awful advice. I'm lucky enough that I have people fighting already over who will host my shower. I wish I could give you a shower myself because I believe you deserve one just as much as I do, even if you don't have someone jumping the gun to do it.

allrightmeow · March 2014

kareik01 said:

If you'd read my posts above you will see I say I am NOT telling her to tell someone to host a shower for her.
I guess I can't think of what to say anymore. Everyone seems to be taking what I'm trying to say the wrong way so I better just stop. I was simply giving the girl MY OPINIONS on whether it's right or not to give her thoughts on her baby shower.
Melemon, I guess don't listen to me or my awful advice. I'm lucky enough that I have people fighting already over who will host my shower. I wish I could give you a shower myself because I believe you deserve one just as much as I do, even if you don't have someone jumping the gun to do it.

Sigh . There is no way for her to casually mention or bring it up without sounding like she is fishing for someone to throw her one. "Oh by the way is anyone talking about throwing me a shower?" "Any talk of a shower yet?" "So who is hosting my shower? I have some ideas on how Id like some things to go." All of that sounds horrible. I LOVE throwing parties and even I would be taken aback if one of my friends approached me like that.

"I'm lucky enough that I have people fighting already over who will host my shower. I wish I could give you a shower myself because I believe you deserve one just as much as I do" Im sure OP feels fantastic hearing about all the people falling all over themselves to throw you one. No one is saying she can't feel disappointed but she'll have to get over it because she can't force anyone to do it is all we are saying. You keep going on and on about what is "DESERVED" what is your suggestion if no one wants to do it? Should she throw herself on the ground and kick and scream or hold her breathe until someone does it? If you didn't have all the people fighting to throw you one, then what?

kareik01 · March 2014

*eye roll* Yes I'm telling her she should cry and pout until she gets what she wants...good grief

Why do I even write MY OPINON on the majority of my posts when I get ridiculed for it every single time.

I live in Nebraska, our "norms" are different from most people, I understand that. Here, it isn't a question if someone is getting a bridal or baby shower, it's a given. Here, it isn't "who" is giving the shower, it's "when" is the shower. That's why I feel this girl isn't in the wrong asking who/if someone has anything planned, because where I'm from, someone is and would love her input since she has some.

Unknown · March 2014

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Gigi8212 · March 2014

I am still stuck on the fact that OP wants to send out save the dates for a baby shower!! JFC.

Unknown · March 2014

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allrightmeow · March 2014

@kareik01 So every pregnant woman in the magical land of Nebraska is guaranteed a baby shower? Every single one of them. I completely understand your sense of entitlement now. How does any of that information help OP?

At no point did I ridicule your opinion, it's yours to have. I simply asked you once OP takes your advice and puts herself in the awkward position of asking who is throwing her shower, what you would advise her to do if it comes to light no one wants to do it? How should she go about getting what she deserves?

You aren't tell her to give her input on one already in the process of being planned. You're telling her to ask who is throwing it because where you're from its a given.

No one has been mean to her. She has gotten some really good and honest advice on HER situation since she lives outside the pearly gates of the fabled state of Nebraska.

loulou182 · March 2014

If no one has offered to throw you a baby shower, I bet someone is planning on surprising you with one.

PrimRoseMama · March 2014

Unknown · March 2014

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momthatlifts · March 2014

Double post

Hoshikitsune · March 2014

You can either ask or not, the choice is yours. I, personally, would not ask if anyone was hosting one for me. I don't believe that I am entitled to a shower. If I get one, great. If I don't get one, great. Either way, I will make sure my baby has all that she needs for life.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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WashingtonQueen · March 2014

loulou182 said:
If no one has offered to throw you a baby shower, I bet someone is planning on surprising you with one.

::snort::

Ciardasully · March 2014

loulou182 said:

If no one has offered to throw you a baby shower, I bet someone is planning on surprising you with one.

Sad thing is, OP wants to plan her own shower so a surprise shower probably would not suffice.

ang2016 · March 2014

I guess if someone wants to throw you a shower they will... you are not entitled just because you are pregnant! Showers take a lot of time and money from the hosts. No one has offered to throw me a shower yet and honestly I don't expect anyone too!

caballablanca · March 2014

kareik01 said:

*eye roll* Yes I'm telling her she should cry and pout until she gets what she wants...good grief

Why do I even write MY OPINON on the majority of my posts when I get ridiculed for it every single time.

I live in Nebraska, our "norms" are different from most people, I understand that. Here, it isn't a question if someone is getting a bridal or baby shower, it's a given. Here, it isn't "who" is giving the shower, it's "when" is the shower. That's why I feel this girl isn't in the wrong asking who/if someone has anything planned, because where I'm from, someone is and would love her input since she has some.

No they aren't really. It's an etiquette thing. Some people have it, some people just don't know better or care.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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nolagal79 · March 2014

Look, I'm from New Orleans and no one likes a party more than we do, but I agree with the camp of you don't get to ask who is planning the shower, when the shower is, or what goes on at said shower. If someone offers to throw a shower for you, smile and say thank you. If they ask for your input, give it. If neither of those things happen, be happy that you're pregnant and move on.

If you want a shower, then I hope someone gives you one. You're only 22 weeks in, chill. My shower was when I was 36 weeks. Not ideal, but that's when the host was available to have it - so I smiled and said thank you and was grateful.

I swear someone needs to come up with a tv show (if they haven't already) as a spinoff of bridezilla and name it momzilla or pregzilla. This topic alone could consume the first few episodes.

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

OP like many others have said - it is rude to host your own shower. I think it is also presumptuous to ask who is throwing one for you. I would suggest registering primarily as a list of things you'd like to buy for your baby, and if anyone asks you what you'd like you can either tell them something off the list or even tell them where you registered. If you end up not having a shower, it isn't the end of the world. Lots of people don't have one by choice.

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