UPDATE SO upset, DH is normally my rock

CONativeGal · March 2014

I will keep it brief. Our sex life is generally once a week, almost nonexistent since pregnancy. Yesterday we have a great session and I felt comfortable and confident and it was such a nice connection.

Then while I spent a great evening nursery shopping and dinner with my folks, I find out that this morning (after DH gets home at 3am), that he spent $500 DOLLARS at a strip club.

Since we don't have frequent sex anyways, I had asked DH to try and limit other goodies since we should do it as much as we can before I get too big or we have the post-partum weight. He maybe goes to the strip club 2-3 times a year and I have no problem with it. But since I quit my job at his encouragement and support, we only have one paycheck now.

I am hurt on the level of my confidence and what I took away from our lovemaking yesterday, and also shocked at the price tag of his night out. I actually like strip clubs and think they can be a great time, but cannot stop wanting to bawl my eyes out at that number. I just have a terrible feeling that with that number there were drugs or something else, which is really scary and emotional for me to be expecting a child with someone that I care for so deeply. We have NEVER had a problem with infidelity, but how many people say that and never actually know?

I feel so embarrassed to share such personal info, but I just need some advice or kind words.

I am also trying to stay calm for my baby.

UPDATE

We spoke this morning after I showered, put on makeup, and was determined to face the day and get out of the house. I saw the bank statement and it was multiple trips to the ATM, that actually added up to $600. No false charges, evidently it was just his night to treat everyone. His story is that he adamantly denies any involvement physically with any strippers and the money was a combination of cigars, lap dances, tips, alcohol, etc. He says he may have given his friends some money too.

I left the house and went and ran errands all day, and visited my brother, who has a really hard health situation, so I could help him and take my mind off my worries, which helped me. The whole day was very hard and I didn't see DH until I picked him up and we had to go meet my parents for dinner (my father's birthday is today), and we had to put on happy faces.

I am sleeping in the guest room, he has begged me to stay with him, it took me two hours to get him to leave me alone. He's promised me that this was a big screw up and he would do anything he could to make me feel better and prove to me that it was just a really stupid mistake and it will never happen again. It's the money, the fact that he encouraged me to quit my job so now I feel powerless to take control if I want to take a break, and the sad fact that I have never received much sexual attention from my husband. It's 1,000 worse now that I am pregnant and I just feel very lonely and sad.

I REALLY really appreciate you ladies and the kind words. I know we all have some unturned stones in our marriages and I really just so appreciate the kind words and support. I am going to try and be positive and take every day at a time to see what comes of this event. I need to focus on what I can do to help others and be grateful for this baby and take advantage of everyday, so please hold me to that, as you all have given me that peace of mind.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

I don't have a lot of advice in this area but I have found that the best thing is to talk to him about it. Maybe he ordered bottle service or footed the bill for one if his buddies. I frequently sit around and stew in my feelings and it usually gets me worked up more than if I just talked it out in the first place. T&P for you that it wasn't something more than some drinks and a show.

jamboree jess · March 2014

I would feel the exact way you're feeling, and I enjoy strip clubs as well. That is a ton of money. I don't think I could fathom spending more than $200 in a night, (though I think that strip clubs in Wisconsin are pretty cheap)

I'm hoping what PP said, that he had bottle service or was paying for someone else's lap dances.

But still. that's a whole lotta dough.

My husband has a few bachelor parties to go to between now and LO's birth, but he is usually pretty good with his money there (or at least he tells me that he is)

I'd try to brush it off as a way for him to relieve stress, but I don't think I'd be able to do that. I'd strap on my chastity belt until I went into labor, lol.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

allardr · March 2014

I wouldn't be as upset with the motivation for sex. Everyone gets turned on differently and clearly he came home to you to get that out. The bill would definitely piss me off though, that's crazy. I'd just ask what he could possibly spend that much money on. I think the more you stew and not just ask the worse it'll be for the relationship.

BoraBoraBaby · March 2014

I agree that talking to him is the best thing you can do. Can strip clubs be off limits for a bit unless you go too? Or at least until you feel better about him going? You deserve an explanation regarding the $500 bill, but it could easily be something other than drugs/other things of that nature. Dont let this eat you up, talk to him. If you've never had a reason to suspect cheating then I'm sure he's not going to betray you now.

Nichole8787 · March 2014

hugs.....i say talk to him about it calmly. 500 is a lot to spend on one night but maybe he just got drunk and got a bit to generous. hell i've been known to have a few to many and buy rounds for everyone in sight.

MstoMrstoMom851214 · March 2014

First of all, I admire your attitude. I would be livid and DH would be in deep shit. With that being said, he can't go back in time so all that he can do to fix the situation is give you an explanation and apology. I would give him a calm opportunity to explain. and if his explanation is weak or he is unwilling to give one, then cross that bridge when you come to it. Good luck!!

yurmom · March 2014

$500!?!?!? I would KILL..

TallMomma29 · March 2014

Dear FBI, I loved @dlsexton's post for the GIFs. I am not endorsing murder! ;-)

I agree with the other PPs that you should get him to explain what he spent $500 on. It definitely is possible that he just got really generous once he got intoxicated (and that might be a reason for future trips to just go with cash so he has a specific limit ;-)).

On the one hand I would be very upset if my DH blew $500 in one night, even if it wasn't at a strip club. The strip club element would likely make me even more mad. But at least he told you the truth about it? I'd think most guys who went to a strip club and blew that much money would want to hide it from their SO as long as possible!

Sorry that it makes you feel bad about your experience the other night. I can totally see how that would hurt your feelings and confidence (I would feel the same way), but from my understanding of the male mind... the two situations are completely unrelated (i.e. he didn't go to the strip club because he was unfulfilled by you or you are not enough for him... some guys just really like that kind of thing and it is generally completely unrelated to their relationship with their wives/SOs).

yurmom · March 2014

@TallMomma29‌ I selected my gifs carefully...decided guns were inappropriate

krdesi · March 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this....I have no experience or advice, but with the way I know we are personally trying to shift our finances to include baby costs, I feel like I would smack my husband in the head for spending $500 at a strip club (or ANYTHING that wasn't a priority expense or something we both happened to enjoy like a trip away).

Hope you get it sorted and that your husband realizes his error of that kind of spending.

pantherRN · March 2014

You need to talk to him. I don't think many of us can give you great advice without knowing WTH he spent $500 on.

I'm so sorry, I'm be upset and angry and sad too.

AutumnBonfire · March 2014

I wouldn't automatically suspect cheating, but I'd be curious what he spent that much money on. The more popular strip clubs where I live don't serve alcohol, so money spent inside the actual club would be spent on something slightly more suspicious. I'd be pissed if DH spent that much money at a regular bar or anywhere. Maybe its time to have a talk about a budget for entertainment.

AMcLaws · March 2014

As a PP said, I admire your attitude regarding this. I would be livid that he even stepped foot in one, let alone spent that kind of money. (I'm not a fan of strip clubs, FWIW. If I wanted to see a naked woman, I'd stand in front of a mirror. He doesn't like them either.) I believe he definitely owes you an explanation as to what the money was spent on, specifically. And I think boundaries need to be set as to how often he goes and how much is spent. Raising a kid isn't cheap, and that money could have been used far more wisely.

Ylvelill · March 2014

Talking is good

jessicalynnmontes · March 2014

ahh this has happened to me before... just checking how much money is in the account and BAM...$400 gone. I am just like you...I don't mind strip clubs at all, and I often go with DH and we have a great time. We have a very open relationship. I asked him about it, and his honest response was that "he lost in credit card shuffle."

Credit card shuffle you ask? When they go out with a bunch of guys... all guys put there credit card in when the tab comes, and the waitress picks one. That is the one that gets charged the entire bill. Sucks when you lose, but they play that when we go out with a bunch of couples, too. Sometimes you get a free dinner...sometimes you pay to take all of your friends out lol.

Needless to say, if it puts your mind at easy at all, stippers don't take tips/private dances/ect. on charge cards (at least every place I have been to). And if it were an ATM fee where he got out $500 in cash, it would say on your cc statement... I think most guys are uncomfortable with a bunch of other guys in a strip club, and spend way too much money easing their mind with alcohol.

I would talk to him about it...but sometimes it is best to give yourself a bit until you calm down. Obviously $500 is a huge bill for one night, but he is probably HATING himself over it right now without hearing how irresponsible he is. Don't get me wrong... don't let it completely slide, but I can guarantee he is more mad at himself right now than you are at him...and often it is more satisfying when you keep your cool and just mention you love for him to have a fun time, but it's your money, too.

jessicalynnmontes · March 2014

***Their

cookieinva · March 2014

We are not on a tight budget and yet neither DH nor I would spend $500 (on anything) without talking about it first. I would so not be okay with that alone, nit even getting into the strip club aspect or anything.

honeybee434 · March 2014

I agree with the previous posters that you need to ask him about it. Until you know the details, you very well could be getting yourself worked up over nothing OR you may just have to be upset about the $$ he spent when he didn't actually get much for it (paid for friends, bottle service, etc) And like a specific post mentioned, unless it's an ATM cash withdrawal, a credit charge can't get you very far with the dancers.

To look on the very best case scenario, it could also be a mistaken charge. DH had a $700 charge at a bowling alley a few years ago. I noticed it the day after he went out, and I was with him bowling. He bought a pitcher of beer for $5.00, left a $2.00 tip and the guy at the counter forgot the cents button so we ended up with an obviously incorrect charge that we had to get the bowling place to reimburse us for.

SuperTinkerham · March 2014

Mister saw my angry face when I read this and he wasn't even involved. Someone made bad choices.

LyndseylovesHugh · March 2014

cookieinva said:
We are not on a tight budget and yet neither DH nor I would spend $500 (on anything) without talking about it first. I would so not be okay with that alone, nit even getting into the strip club aspect or anything.

This. We discuss any large amounts of money spent so I would be pissed if he spent $500 without discussing it with me first, regardless of where he spent it or what it was on. If this is was typical for my H or if he did it again after talking to him about it I would probably want to speak to a therapist who specializes in financial issues.

drunkenhandstand · March 2014

I don't have any advice with this sort of situation but I'm sorry you're going through this and I think the best thing to do is talk it out - after you've calmed down.

drunkenhandstand · March 2014

Maybe he had about 35 of these??….

jnnfrrose6 · March 2014

There are just too many details left out here. First you say you don't mind that he went, it's just that he spent $500, but your next paragraph you're upset because he went after you had sex. So, which is it? As to the money, $500 can be spent fairly quickly at a club if you're in a higher cost if living place, or it could be a huge red flag if you aren't, and then of course that is also affected by who he went with (if anyone). I agree with PP that you need to talk to DH about it, but if it's something that you usually don't have a problem with him doing (going to the club, not necessarily the amount spent) then he may not even realize it's bothering you.

abundancenow · March 2014

I'm really surprised that going to strip clubs is a part of a few posters entertainment experiences. Some just for their dh and some together as a couple. I went a time when I was young and single and dh used to go, but not many times since we were married. Whatever floats your boat, I don't judge that. I would feel uncomfortable if dh went to a strip club and then came home and released his mojo on me after paying to get fired up by other ladies, but that's my hang up. I wouldn't be happy about dh spending 600$ on any entertainment, including gambling, or dinner or a club. I know op is looking to vent and for support, so I accept we all have different expectations in our marriages and offer advice like others to talk about your feelings and set clear expectations for the future. CONnativegirl, you sound reasonable and calm and I respect the way you've handled it so far, good luck.

jnnfrrose6 · March 2014

Wow, just read your update and DH's reasoning seems completely legit. Not sure why you're feeling the need to sleep in a separate room, but that's obviously between you and him. Sure, it sucks that he spent the money, especially now that you are not working and feel more dependent on him for money, but it sounds like that is a new thing for you guys anyways so you're still figuring out your boundaries, roles, and expectations with as a single person income and you hit a bump in the road. It sounds like that's what you guys really need to talk about.

As to the sex side of it, that's something completely separate from the money aspect, and something you may need to work on yourself, not him. We're pregnant. Our bodies are changing in ways we are not used to or prepared for. It is hard to adjust, much less feel sexual or attractive to our husbands, but you really shouldn't be comparing the fact that he went to a strip club to you no longer being desirable to your husband. One comes no where near equaling the other.

glitterclaws · March 2014

Good luck OP. I would be severely pissed if my DH was out dropping that kind of money, especially if we were on one income. I would also be pissed if it was at the strip club and there was no bachelor party. I get that bachelor parties are expensive but if he's going just to go, there's a way to curb spending.

Also I get that you are feeling super insecure right now. I think it's great that you have a spare bedroom to go and be alone when you want to. I think you are making all the right choices to deal with this shocker.

To the PP that thinks she's overreacting, how about we let OP deal how she wants to deal. It's not like she's throwing a tantrum and kicking him out of their room or house. She just needs time to process the hurt alone. That's completely normal.

TugboatSheila · March 2014

After reading your post, your update and the comments I think I can weigh in.

Re: the financial issue. I completely understand your reaction to him spending 500/600 dollars. I would be really freaking mad and I know that because it was spent at a strip club my mind would go "there" too. That isn't an indication of how trustworthy DH is, that's an indication of my own historical issues. Even being someone who is ok with DH going to a strip club for a bach party. I also really identify with your response to not having a job and relying on your husband for income. I am not yet in this situation but I have expressed my concerns to DH about the potential to becoming a full time stay at home mom and feeling like I couldn't spend any money because it wasn't "mine". May I ask (and please don't feel like you have to answer but i feel like it would gain perspective for us) why you quit your job? Are you dealing with a medical issue or did you quit to pursue another dream? I ask because maybe these reasons could be contributing to your feeling of dependence?

As far as the sex issue, DH and I just had sex for the first time in 3 (maybe even 4) weeks and it was the best and worst 2.5 minutes ever. I think women have had it beaten into their brains that if a man doesn't want to have sex he couldn't possibly have any other reason except that he doesn't like his wife. I was feeling like this and said something to DH, apparently he's felt just as unsexy as I have. At least that's how I feel, maybe you have felt this too. Regardless though, I think the solution, like PPs have said, is to definitely discuss this with your DH. I mean, if you can't talk to your partner about issues that effect your marriage then it's going to be a looooooooooooooooong day.

Hang in there and let us know how everything goes!

jnnfrrose6 · March 2014

csmith0085 said:

To the PP that thinks she's overreacting, how about we let OP deal how she wants to deal. It's not like she's throwing a tantrum and kicking him out of their room or house. She just needs time to process the hurt alone. That's completely normal.

I can only assume this means me, as no one actually said she was overreacting (including me), I was just more blunt on my take of it. Re-read what I wrote: that I didn't think it warranted sleeping in a separate room, but that was between her and her husband (or in other words, "how she wants to deal," as you put it). In fact I agreed with pretty much everybody that she needed to speak to her DH about how she was feeling and the money spent, just framing it in a different way to provide perhaps a different perspective for her.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Sorry, OP. I would feel similarly to you. I can imagine it feels a bit degrading to have a very lacking sex life and then have your husband go spend that kind of money on being entertained by other women. In regards to the job issue, does he feel like it's "his" money so he can spend it how he wants without checking with you first? Because if so that's another issue in and of itself. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed he would be feeling too great about himself, either. Hopefully, he realizes that and won't do it again. *hugs*

cuntasaurusrex · March 2014

I really don't understand the need to go out and watch chicks dance naked for money. It's something I used to do when I was a 19 year old slut looking for attention from the guy I was with, but as an adult, yeesh.. get on pornhub or pornterest, wank it out privately, and move on. Sitting next to your friends with a boner? How is that even remotely fun?

I'm not typically a jealous person, so that's not even my issue with it, but I'm glad DH isn't into strip clubs, because I'd definitely think less of him.

ETA: As for $500, I'd take that as my cue to go blow $500 on a salon visit and some new clothes.

zellatrix · March 2014

We had the same issue with porn a few years ago. I didn't have a big problem with it, except it would take the place of sex with me. That hurt that he'd rather go look at some girl on the computer than come to me and initiate anything. Once I told him how serious my concerns were and made it clear that it could break us, he hasn't done it since. And our sex life has improved greatly. I think you are doing the right thing, just keep the lines of communication open.

CONativeGal · March 2014

JP27 said:

After reading your post, your update and the comments I think I can weigh in.

Re: the financial issue. I completely understand your reaction to him spending 500/600 dollars. I would be really freaking mad and I know that because it was spent at a strip club my mind would go "there" too. That isn't an indication of how trustworthy DH is, that's an indication of my own historical issues. Even being someone who is ok with DH going to a strip club for a bach party. I also really identify with your response to not having a job and relying on your husband for income. I am not yet in this situation but I have expressed my concerns to DH about the potential to becoming a full time stay at home mom and feeling like I couldn't spend any money because it wasn't "mine". May I ask (and please don't feel like you have to answer but i feel like it would gain perspective for us) why you quit your job? Are you dealing with a medical issue or did you quit to pursue another dream? I ask because maybe these reasons could be contributing to your feeling of dependence?

As far as the sex issue, DH and I just had sex for the first time in 3 (maybe even 4) weeks and it was the best and worst 2.5 minutes ever. I think women have had it beaten into their brains that if a man doesn't want to have sex he couldn't possibly have any other reason except that he doesn't like his wife. I was feeling like this and said something to DH, apparently he's felt just as unsexy as I have. At least that's how I feel, maybe you have felt this too. Regardless though, I think the solution, like PPs have said, is to definitely discuss this with your DH. I mean, if you can't talk to your partner about issues that effect your marriage then it's going to be a looooooooooooooooong day.

Hang in there and let us know how everything goes!

With regards to my job, I was in a VP client facing role for an insurance company. The hours and travel were horrendous and we have had bad luck with healthy pregnancies in the past. When the work, and a hostile work environment continued to grow, it really became evident that they were either going to fire me or or make my life more miserable than they were already trying to. There was a package option available for me to leave and so I took it with DH's support so I wouldn't be fired. So I am also dealing with leaving a position I did well at and was bullied out of, when I have never walked away from anything in my life. Being almost six months pregnant it doesn't make sense for me to go look for something either.

I have my own money, but now the flow is not there and I have never shared finances in my life. Another reason i focus so much on the dollar amount is the fact that DH has been encouraging me to file for unemployment to just put it in the bank, while we are a household that does not need assistance and I morally do not think it's right to do that, it should be for people that need it. So for him to push me to try and take advantage of the system (which for us, it would be, not for everyone) and then go "make it rain" at the club is disgusting to me. That's another insight as to why I was so angry

CONativeGal · March 2014

csmith0085 said:

Good luck OP. I would be severely pissed if my DH was out dropping that kind of money, especially if we were on one income. I would also be pissed if it was at the strip club and there was no bachelor party. I get that bachelor parties are expensive but if he's going just to go, there's a way to curb spending. Also I get that you are feeling super insecure right now. I think it's great that you have a spare bedroom to go and be alone when you want to. I think you are making all the right choices to deal with this shocker. To the PP that thinks she's overreacting, how about we let OP deal how she wants to deal. It's not like she's throwing a tantrum and kicking him out of their room or house. She just needs time to process the hurt alone. That's completely normal.

Thank you, that is exactly what I was doing. Just going to a calm place I could distract my thoughts and try and sleep

marsalisails · March 2014

First of all, who are these deadbeat friends that can't pay their own way at A STRIP CLUB?! and he gave some cash too? Um, I've heard of picking up a round, but that's ridiculous.

Secondly, I don't understand the moral dilemma with collecting unemployment. You pay into unemployment insurance every paycheck. Technically you've already earned that money and put it away for safe keeping with our lovely government. BUT if you quit it is moot anyway because you don't meet the requirements.

AKbadwolf · March 2014

Matthew930 said:

First of all, who are these deadbeat friends that can't pay their own way at A STRIP CLUB?! and he gave some cash too? Um, I've heard of picking up a round, but that's ridiculous. Secondly, I don't understand the moral dilemma with collecting unemployment. You pay into unemployment insurance every paycheck. Technically you've already earned that money and put it away for safe keeping with our lovely government. BUT if you quit it is moot anyway because you don't meet the requirements.

Just because you quit doesn't automatically keep you from unemployment insurance. For instance in Alaska if you quit you have a 6 week delay in benefits plus 3 weeks of reduced benefits from the point where you apply.

I agree that the money is there for you as you paid into it while working though and if you left with a benefits package then they probably listed you as laid off vs quiting.

netsirk2013 · March 2014

Curious, out of these people that have commented who has been to a strip club themselves? Not bashing anyone, just curious.

Where I live there are 2 near by. One we frequent is nice however another is very trashy and is how most people unfortunately view an experience at a strip club.

500/600 is INSANE!! In my state my husband and I go together, buy drinks, tip & lap dance for about 100 for the night. The friends we go with spend about the same on the two of them. I would be pissed at the amount spent and that it happened and i would me annoyed that he went, without him at least offering me an invite. $500... I would suspect he ordered more than a lap dance... those of you that say that is not offered in strip clubs are totally clueless!

yurmom · March 2014

I've never been to one, the ones I've seen around here in IN look pretty trashy on the outside. Plus one of the PP said there's no alcohol at some?! If that was the case I'm definitely out.

CONativeGal · March 2014

Matthew930 said:

First of all, who are these deadbeat friends that can't pay their own way at A STRIP CLUB?! and he gave some cash too? Um, I've heard of picking up a round, but that's ridiculous. Secondly, I don't understand the moral dilemma with collecting unemployment. You pay into unemployment insurance every paycheck. Technically you've already earned that money and put it away for safe keeping with our lovely government. BUT if you quit it is moot anyway because you don't meet the requirements.

Because I am so far along in my pregnancy, and my company knew that with no kind of performance problem with a termination, they put it in writing that if I filed for unemployment they would approve it and record it as involuntary. I negotiated that in my severance package, just in case my husband lost his job or something drastic happened.

CONativeGal · March 2014

netsirk2013 said:

Curious, out of these people that have commented who has been to a strip club themselves? Not bashing anyone, just curious. Where I live there are 2 near by. One we frequent is nice however another is very trashy and is how most people unfortunately view an experience at a strip club. 500/600 is INSANE!! In my state my husband and I go together, buy drinks, tip & lap dance for about 100 for the night. The friends we go with spend about the same on the two of them. I would be pissed at the amount spent and that it happened and i would me annoyed that he went, without him at least offering me an invite. $500... I would suspect he ordered more than a lap dance... those of you that say that is not offered in strip clubs are totally clueless!

You hit the nail on the head. I've been to the strip club he went to before. We live in an expensive city, but if you figure the following:

Cover - $20

ATM fees - (SIX visits to the ATM at $5.00 a pop)

Cigars - roughly $50 per cigar, and he sounds like the Marlboro Man - so I am guessing $100?

Alcohol - Probably $100-$150

The rest to strippers with nothing shady (per his story) $200ish

That leaves about $60-$100 to his stupid friends, which I might add all make more than we do as a household.

The bottom line is, it sucks either way. Either it was a stupid mistake that he truly just felt like a walking ATM and it was excess with nothing shady. OR my mind goes to the place of what REALLY happened? If he spent this on this visit and I for the first time have seen what he spends at these places since we have always had separate finances, what the hell else don't I know about?

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