Now that we're all experts...

ErikaLynn75 · February 2014

In the last six months (or more, depending on how long you were TTC) we've all been subjected to lots of advice from our families, friends, and total strangers. Now that we're all pretty much experts on pregnancy, let's pass it on.

What's one thing about pregnancy that you WISH someone would have told you? Or a brilliant piece of advice that's not in any of the books that you would give to someone who is about to get pregnant?

Here's mine:

I knew before that pregnancy would mean a lot of boob changes. But I never thought I would miss my old boobs so much, and now I fear I'll never see them again. I totally took my C-cups and normal-sized nipples for granted back then. If I could go back to August and give advice to my almost-pregnant self, it would be to take a picture of my boobs to be able to look back on later and reminisce. If I had one now, I would put it in a frame on my dresser and look at it every day in loving memory of my old tits...

spacepotatoes · February 2014

I had a good idea, in theory, of what the physical changes would be like. I wish someone had prepared me for the mental/emotional effect of those changes. The first trimester was rough with morning sickness and fatigue, but I think I struggled more with coming to terms with everything than I did with the sickness.

Being sick and tired constantly frustrated the hell out of me, which made things worse, I'm sure, but I felt like I was descending into a pretty dark place for a little while. People kept commenting on how pregnancy was so exciting and beautiful and magical but I felt the complete opposite. Then I felt guilty for admitting that. I felt like I had no control over my body anymore, or really, over anything. I didn't know how long it would last. It was just so awkward and uncomfortable in so many ways, and I didn't know what to do with it all. It wasn't until maybe 17 weeks or so that I started feeling like I'd come to terms with things and it would be ok.

So, I'd tell people that it's ok to feel like pregnancy sucks and to not enjoy it. It's ok to be frustrated with what's happening and it's ok to be confused by what you see when you look in the mirror. It's normal and it will pass.

spacepotatoes · February 2014

I should add to the above that it's ok even if you've struggled to get pregnant in the first place. I had a lot of guilt over hating being pregnant because I felt like after 13 months, I should be grateful and enjoy it. I'd want to tell people that you can still be grateful and still love your LO without having to act like you enjoy every unpleasant moment.

LoveIsAll25 · February 2014

spacepotatoes said:

So, I'd tell people that it's ok to feel like pregnancy sucks and to not enjoy it. It's ok to be frustrated with what's happening and it's ok to be confused by what you see when you look in the mirror. It's normal and it will pass.

This is awesome. I wish someone would have said this to me.

lavendergiraffes · February 2014

I wish I had known how hard it would be to poop!!!

jenb_99 · February 2014

I wish someone had told me that it was normal and even okay to have some unhappy moments where I found myself not looking forward to motherhood. Life is changing in a big way and it's effing SCARY. How could you not be affected by that at some point? Just acknowledge it, accept that you're having some negative feelings, and move on. It doesn't mean you love your child any less or aren't suited to parenthood.

One thing I'm glad someone did tell me is that the outside baby is usually nothing like the inside baby you've grown to love -- it's literally like they're two separate beings, and there's an actual grieving period shortly after birth during which you must mourn the "loss" of that sacred anticipatory pregnant state and your inside baby as you learn to love the tiny stranger who's suddenly demanding things of you that at times you may feel ill equipped to provide.

spacepotatoes · February 2014

@jenb_99 I'd hadn't heard that before about feeling a sense of loss once the baby is here, but it makes sense. Thanks for sharing that!

LoveIsAll25 · February 2014

I wish someone had told me NOT to stress so much if I things don't work out the way you lanned.

I planned for a vaginal birth. I researched vaginal birth. Because well, I read on how to do it. I was healthy. He was healthy. I thought that meant it was going to happen. Well that didn't happen and I cried for days after. I felt like I failed him and that I wasn't women enough to give birth to him vaginally.

I planned to breast feed for 6 months. I did research. I bought the pump. I had the nipple cream to help heal my breast. Well I wasn't producing enough milk and he would take 30-40 minutes on each breast trying to get enough milk. By the time he was done it was time for me to feed him again. After two weeks of not feeling any type of connection to my son I broke down. I asked my husband and son to please forgive me but I could not continue breast feeding our son. My amazing husband left in the middle of my break down and bought formula. My son drank his formula in 10 minutes. Honestly at that moment I finally saw my son. MY SON. I stopped being so stressed out and depressed and saw how satisfied he looked to not have to struggle to have two ounces of milk.

I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and decided to stop trying to be perfect. I that what may work for one mom may not work for you and that's OK.

Anyway, that's not a pregnancy advice, thats more of an AFTER pregnancy advice. I just wish someone would have told me that.

usernewname · February 2014

Love the idea! Its amazing what you think will happen and then real life experience kicks in.

I wish I'd known how much my back and hips would hurt to the point of being unable to move. And pregnancy brain, I have stickies everywhere!

I never understood the awe of feeling LO move until now, despite all the frustrations and discomforts, I look forward to the pre-bed dance party

momo214 · February 2014

I still don't think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant. I know I am, I feel and look pregnant, I feel baby move, but I really have not 100% accepted/believe it. It's weird. No one told me I would feel this way. Also, no one told me I would be kinda grossed out and weirded out by feeling baby move around. Everyone told me its their favorite part, how much they love it, etc. Maybe these go hand in hand. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy to have a baby on the way!

ama7165 · February 2014

How emotional you can be. I was warned but I mean I can cry at anything or nothing. It is frustrating to just be crying over something silly or nothing at all and not be able to explain it. Also the feeling of being out of control. This baby has just taken over your body and you just feel like you no longer have any control. I am also happy to have a baby but was not quite prepared for some of the emotional changes.

I also second not being able to poop!

Junebug060609 · February 2014

That not every pregnancy will result in a baby...but to try and keep hope because most (unfortunately not all) ladies who experience a pregnancy loss go on to bring a baby home.

Junebug060609 · February 2014

Oh and something for the FTMs in the group.. It is ok if you don't have that love at first sight moment with your baby. Becoming a mother is a HUGE adjustment. You will come to love that baby more than life itself.

Oh and for the hard hard nights..."this, too, shall pass". Everything is a phase.

undercoverst · February 2014

I just have to say dito to the boob thing. I was looking at these.... monsters and wishing for my old boobs. I loved my old boobs. And knowing that how they look now is probably the best they'll ever look in the future makes me a little sad too.

neems1982 · February 2014

I wish I'd known how long of a process and how intense labor could be. Also, if I knew the epidural could wear off like mine did I would have gotten IV drugs. My labor was 27 hours and I delivered w/o meds which was not my plan at all. I also wish I knew how emotional I'd be after giving birth. I cried everyday for the first week of DS1's life. It was a tough adjustment.

FlemDance · February 2014

I wish I would have known how bad morning sickness and exhaustion can be. With my Crohn's, I'm used to vomiting and being a bit more tired than the average person, so I naively thought that if I got morning sickness that I would handle it like a champ. Man, I have never vomited so much or been so exhausted in my life! I'm proud to say that I only missed one day of work through it all, but juuuuust barely.

jcf2133 · February 2014

I wish I had realized how surreal it would be for the first while. You get the positive test, and the doctor confirms it and you have to go on faith that baby is doing okay in there because you have no way of knowing in between appointments. I wished there was a little window I could open just to check in on the baby to validate that I was still pregnant. Sounds silly, but I guess I just thought you'd feel pregnant from the start and "know" all was good... Not so.

busterbeagle · February 2014

Even maternity pants stop being comfortable at some point. And that point will be earlier the second time around.

cbrust · February 2014

I wish someone would have told me that some woman just have really hard pregnancies and it's normal. I struggled a lot around 20 weeks because everyone told me after 1st tri I'd feel better. Well the morning sickness went away but I still felt..off. If I do too much during the day I literally limp around and can't get off the couch because I'm so tired and uncomfortable. If I don't drink enough water I know right away because I won't feel good. Heck I can't even vacuum the whole house anymore without feeling like I've run a marathon.

cnbean · February 2014

I wish I'd known that even after you lose the baby weight your shape will still be different. Also that its ok to not connect with your pregnancy. I never felt connected to my first pregnancy, but I love my son to death.

Also ditto what busterbeagle said. I hate all my maternity pants right now.

(

Veittobe · February 2014

I need to throw my support in for the "difficult to poop" comment. Seriously, I've had constipation before. But NOTHING anywhere near what I had with my first pregnancy. And once you're battling constipation, you need to stay on top of it so it doesn't keep happening. I'm much more proactive this time around.

Soupy84 · February 2014

I wish someone would have told me that my husband would process the pregnancy differently and my hormones would make me question the wife that I am. We have had many "discussions" lately about how I feel he is not excited about the pregnancy like I am. He has challenged that by pointing out that I experience EVERYTHING and that he really only gets to experience the pregnancy vicariously through what I tell him.

mileswithmyles · February 2014

I second the boobs and pooping ones.

I wish someone would have told me how much I wouldn't feel like myself in the beginning because of the morning sickness and fatigue. I have never felt like that before!

Miggg · February 2014

jenb_99 said:
One thing I'm glad someone did tell me is that the outside baby is usually nothing like the inside baby you've grown to love -- it's literally like they're two separate beings, and there's an actual grieving period shortly after birth during which you must mourn the "loss" of that sacred anticipatory pregnant state and your inside baby as you learn to love the tiny stranger who's suddenly demanding things of you that at times you may feel ill equipped to provide.

That's really interesting but makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for sharing that @jenb_99. Not that you can prepare for everything but I think anticipating some of these emotions and acknowledging them as normal before they even happen will be a huge help postpartum.

Also agree with @spacepotatoes. I worked so hard to get pregnant and have felt some guilt for complaining and not cherishing every moment. Between my [unexpectedly large and fast] weight gain and nonstop back/hip/pelvic pain, I haven't enjoyed being pregnant half as much as I thought I would. I am slowly coming around to accepting the crappy parts but I've definitely had some moments of tear-filled anger, guilt, and doubt.

awknyc · February 2014

Not that I have an amazing body by any means bc I don't, but I wish someone would've just told me to enjoy the way I looked, accept it and love my body, inside and out. I'm afraid how my body will change after the baby only bc it's been my same body for 30+ years and I know what to expect. I know what I can and cannot eat, what my problem areas are, and what I am physically capable of. I feel like some of these things will change into something totally new and foreign. I am so excited to welcome LO but also nervous and a bit scared to see what my new body will look like.

jsaffer01 · February 2014

I wish someone would have told me that morning sickness can get so bad that you don't leave your house unless it's for a trip to the hospital to get fluids because you're dehydrated.

I wish someone told me that it was okay to think you want this pregnancy to be over because you just want to feel normal again. That throwing up every hour does a toll on your body, physically, mentally and emotionally. And having thoughts like that is okay, and doesn't make you less human or less of a mom. For the first 4 months I would cry every night because I wanted the sick feeling to just away, I wanted to feel like myself again.

Bootsie327 · February 2014

I wish I had invested in different footwear for the winter. I had no idea how difficult it would be to bend and slip on boots, especially with swollen ankles on top of everything else. I also wish I had known how nosy everyone can be with their unsolicited comments and advice, so that I could have prepared some good come backs. I'm getting better at that one, at least!

I actually like my preggo boobs, because they've gone from small to quite nice, but I will say that I was not prepared for the alarming nipple changes!

Lild09 · February 2014

I wish someone told me just how much excess fluid would come from my lady bits and that it's completely normal but to stock up on panty liners!

I wish someone told me it'll be normal to have days where I glow in all my pregnant body glory and other days where I feel not so beautiful.

Bootsie327 · February 2014

Lild09 said:

I wish someone told me just how much excess fluid would come from my lady bits and that it's completely normal but to stock up on panty liners! I wish someone told me it'll be normal to have days where I glow in all my pregnant body glory and other days where I feel not so beautiful.

Ugh, that, too!

MamaLlama14 · February 2014

spacepotatoes said:

Being sick and tired constantly frustrated the hell out of me, which made things worse, I'm sure, but I felt like I was descending into a pretty dark place for a little while. People kept commenting on how pregnancy was so exciting and beautiful and magical but I felt the complete opposite. Then I felt guilty for admitting that.

This. I had an idea of how I'd be sick and tired and all that, but definitely not to the extent that I actually was... and as a result, I felt like a failure at pregnancy. This time around was(is) way worse than last time, too, and so emotionally I have been a Debbie Downer and feel like I'm not basking in the glory that is pregnancy at all.

JAM85 · February 2014

I would definitely say don't go in with any expectations because one way or another they will be broken. It was a surprise pregnancy in terms of timing though we certainly had plans for them and the one thing I have kept constant is just never expecting things to go any specific way so I was able to take most everything in stride. The one thing I did think id be able to do more of was exercise- but between working 6 days a week at the beginning with horrible ms, to moving twice in two months, to the honeymoon and then starting a new more physical job and us struggling with money/stress it hasn't been anything like what I am used to and having a history with an eating disorder that includes compulsive over exercise that has been the hardest mentally for me. I also took my non nauseous moments pre-pregnancy for granted- then moved right into reflux. Definitely miss when my body was more predictable even having lupus I had gotten used to my "new normal" with that but pregnancy is a whole other ball game of fun surprises!

mibarra93 · February 2014

I wish I knew how many times I'd pee myself. But it's okay cause my lovely husband thinks it's hilarious, especially when it happens in public.

IBackBevo · February 2014

A brilliant piece of advice?

Pregnancy is hard. And it is harder for some than others. I think the fast paced world we live in so often ignores this fact. I think it is okay to cut yourself some slack when pregnant and not try to be everything to everyone.

jenb_99 · February 2014

@spacepotatoes @miggg For me the loss was intensified because DS spent a few days in the NICU. He was whisked away from me 5 minutes after he came out, and I barely got an upside-down glance at his cheek. After recovery I didn't have any visitors, because visitors really only want to see the baby; I didn't have a baby to care for in my room; and I didn't have a baby in my belly to keep me company through little kicks and nudges. It was worse when we got home. All the anticipation was suddenly over, and I had this tiny creature I didn't know how to take care of. We had feeding problems too, which are always stressful.

I felt a lot of guilt for a long time over not bonding with and feeling a deep motherly love for my baby right away.

yvanehtnioj · February 2014

Wise current self to hopeful 1st tri self: "It's normal to feel like your body is going to break in half down the middle. It's normal and it's okay." ::pats 1st tri self on the head::

Wise current self to current self: But really it's not. I had no idea that my ligaments stretching would feel like my body is going to break, separate, and stretch completely apart. And it's just not okay. IT'S WEIRD.

Kinipela7 · February 2014

Do not take others comments about your body personally because you will come in contact with a ton of stupid people.

Case in point: A co-worker of mine actually came up to me and said...

Joe: Congrats!
Me: Thanks
Joe: I don't find pregnant people attractive at all. My wife was definitely at her ugliest when she was pregnant.
Me: .........

The day he said that I was so super upset, but for no reason. His and other people's opinions shouldn't matter. I guess this isn't just in pregnancy, but still. Good lesson to learn!

angelita11 · February 2014

I wish someone had told me that it isn't always easy to get pregnant. Infertility can happen at any time if you've never had a baby or if you had one or two.
I agree with all the comments that it is ok to not enjoy being pregnant or at least all the physical discomforts of pregnancy.
I also wish someone had told me heartburn can be horrible. I never knew that you can get heartburn from water until my first pregnancy. It is crazy!

TaylorHam86 · February 2014

The boob thing. Definitely the boob thing. Especially for my husband. I don't think he realizes that they're never going to be the same. I try to warn him but I don't think he hears it.

Miggg · February 2014

jenb_99 said:

@spacepotatoes @miggg For me the loss was intensified because DS spent a few days in the NICU. He was whisked away from me 5 minutes after he came out, and I barely got an upside-down glance at his cheek. After recovery I didn't have any visitors, because visitors really only want to see the baby; I didn't have a baby to care for in my room; and I didn't have a baby in my belly to keep me company through little kicks and nudges. It was worse when we got home. All the anticipation was suddenly over, and I had this tiny creature I didn't know how to take care of. We had feeding problems too, which are always stressful.

I felt a lot of guilt for a long time over not bonding with and feeling a deep motherly love for my baby right away.

@jenb_99 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how strange and lonely those first few days must have been on top of the issues it created for bonding.

spacepotatoes · February 2014

Because the ladies of December 13 are awesome and I can't seem to quit lurking on their board, I thought I'd link this thread of theirs:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12268624/pregnancy-advice

Very similar to this one but they came up with some different things. I thought it was interesting to see what stood out for them once they've actually had their babies and had a couple of months to reflect after the fact.

momthatlifts · February 2014

Lild09 said:
I wish someone told me just how much excess fluid would come from my lady bits and that it's completely normal but to stock up on panty liners!

I wish someone told me it'll be normal to have days where I glow in all my pregnant body glory and other days where I feel not so beautiful.

A million times this. I was just thinking about this today!

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