Gmama drama

SparkySharky · February 2014

Just closed on a house today and having a csection for baby #2 in about 10 days. My parents helped us with down pymt and are staying 6-8 wks to help us with our 2 under 2. We purposefully bought a 4 bdrm to accommodate their long visits. My mom also just finished chemo about 2 mos ago. She's doing much better but still regaining her strength and normal bodily functions.

So. We have had plans to put them in baby #2's room while she is in our room. The fourth bdrm is downstairs and we'll be using it as a playroom for the next five years or so. My parents are asking to be put in the fourth bdrm bc they don't want to deal w the stairs. Their place has stairs. My brothers place has stairs. The stairs in our place don't seem to pose any significant issue beyond the stairs they weather everyday. Putting them in the fourth bdrm would eliminate the playroom. Changing tables, play yards, couch, chairs, swing, trunks, etc. would have to be temporarily moved into the living rm, dining rm, kitchen, or upstairs or into the basemt. There wouldn't be any blocked off area for DS to play which would be interesting while I'm trying to take care of a newborn.

In addition, once they've gone, we would have to rearrange everything, including moving the bed from the fourth bdrm up two stories to the attic. We are hiring movers who will do dverything for us when we move in. We will not be hiring movers to rearrange our house later.

Are we being unreasonable by saying no? They've helped and will help us a lot, but they are only going to be sleeping in the bdrm. I'm not seeing a profuse number of trips up and down the stairs by them. Although I certainly will be trekking up and down more bc the only space for the kids will be upstairs. I honestly can't fathom how this would go. I was overwhelmed trying to plan things already.

I'm having a wtf reaction to this last minute request for a change in plans. Can I get an objective opinion?

RondackHiker · February 2014

Perhaps they also want to be further from the noise of a baby at and such and have more privacy while they live with you for such an extended time?

I'd say you're worried about having to move furniture after they go. Perhaps they'll offer to help. Otherwise... It's just two rooms worth of stuff and they're doing you a big favor. Moving a few things around is not a huge deal.

NorBar39 · February 2014

If my mom just finished chemo, helped me with a down payment on a house, and is offering to help me for 6 weeks...it would be an absolutely must that she be upstairs. No questions asked.

RondackHiker · February 2014

NorBar39 said:
If my mom just finished chemo, helped me with a down payment on a house, and is offering to help me for 6 weeks...it would be an absolutely must that she be upstairs. No questions asked.

Do you mean downstairs? Her parents want the downstairs bedroom.

MaybeKatie10 · February 2014

If my parents just gave me a boat load of money (after recovering from chemo!!) and were willing to help me for 6 weeks, I'd eat glass before I'd make them trek up and down stairs. Heck, I'd give them my own bed and make hubby carry them around the house piggy back style if that's what it took to make them comfortable.

NorBar39 · February 2014

I apologize. I read this wrong. I wouldn't make it about the toy room though or how inconvenient it is for you. I would tell her it would make you more comfortable if she didn't have to go up and down all those stairs-but if that's not how you feel that's not how you feel. It sounds like your parents are very selfless people and are opting for the downstairs to try to make it easier on you. I personally would make this as easy on her as possible.

RebeccaY1 · February 2014

While I agree that their wishes should be taken into account, I also know that putting boundaries and rules on the grandparents is important. Even though they helped you, that doesn't mean you are beholden to them forever. I would probably just be up front and honest and say no. It does sound selfish, but if you don't give boundaries now then you might end up with a lifetime of feeling obligated, which doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.

Both my parents and in-laws got help from their parents and were made to feel beholden to them for the rest of their lives. Fortunately, they learned from that experience and don't make us feel like crap when we need something.

spacepotatoes · February 2014

RebeccaY1 said:

While I agree that their wishes should be taken into account, I also know that putting boundaries and rules on the grandparents is important. Even though they helped you, that doesn't mean you are beholden to them forever. I would probably just be up front and honest and say no. It does sound selfish, but if you don't give boundaries now then you might end up with a lifetime of feeling obligated, which doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.

Both my parents and in-laws got help from their parents and were made to feel beholden to them for the rest of their lives. Fortunately, they learned from that experience and don't make us feel like crap when we need something.

I get what you're saying but this really doesn't sound like that type of situation. And grandma is recovering from chemo! No question, I'd suck it up and give them the room they want. Rearranging it after the fact is not a big deal.

mcgeeva · February 2014

Yep like everyone else I would honor the request. It's temporary and you will survive. Not only did your mom go through chemo but she is coming to help you. God what I would do to have family help. Maybe she is dragged down after chemo and if she wants less steps so be it. Not like they are painting. You will just have to move the furniture later.

SparkySharky · February 2014

I know from an "I owe you so much and you've been through so much" standpoint, it's a no-brainer. As a practical matter, though, I'm struggling to come around. I don't entirely know what to expect having 2U2. Being pregnant and having one was overwhelming (God bless all those farmers' wives who had their babies in the field and kept right on working...), much less having a newborn with an active 15-mo-old. If DD takes 45 minutes to BF like DS did - what in he!! am I going to do to keep DS occupied and out of trouble without shutting him in his room or putting him in a pack and play? Even with my parents there to help, they will have to chase him around instead of watching him in a contained area, and they will be hauling him and down the stairs for everything (naps, quiet play when DD is sleeping, diaper changes...) instead of having a space for those things to be done downstairs where we all are. Plus, when you throw in having to cook and taking time out for other responsibilities, we will be one person down b/c someone will have to be trailing DS. Our place will be childproofed, but that doesn't mean he won't be in the living room pulling stuff off of tables, climbing underneath, reaching into vents, making a juice collage on the floor or couch, or pulling down a dining room chair on top of himself.

Forgetting about the additional mess of having an extra couch, extra chairs, and baby paraphernalia in already cramped spaces, and having to haul couches and beds up and down stairs after they leave; I'm just not sure that I can wrap my head around this being a solution that won't actually cause all of us more difficulties watching the kids. It really seems like every trip my parents are saved going up the stairs to fetch something from their room would be doubled or tripled by the number of trips upstairs to get one of the babies or get something one of them needs. I offered to just be on call to run up and grab whatever they need to minimize the trips to their room, b/c once they've woken up and showered, they shouldn't have too many trips back to their room other than putting babies down for naps. We also offered to let them have the upstairs bathroom all to themselves and we would use the downstairs bathroom.

Maybe the solution would be to set up everything the way we've been planning, but make a space for them to sleep on our mattress on the floor in the living room. It seems more practical to go without a living room than without a playroom and it's much bigger so we could still have the furniture in there, even if pushed against a wall.

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

In addition to the financial help they are providing childcare. I would honor their request.

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

You are over thinking 2u2

mcgeeva · February 2014

Okay your still missing the point. I get it's hard but we are all having kids. If I make it full term my son will just turn have turned 2 weeks and I har to har a csection again. Dh travels weekly and I have no family to help. People make it on their own all the time and yes I fb for a year with ds and plan to this time around. Things work out so complaining how hard even with two extra adult hands to help is a but much.

dragossoul84 · February 2014

I'm going to have 2u2 its going to be tough but I did choose to have this child. If my parents were kind enough to pay for the down payment on my home and come to help me get used to having both kids at home they could have whatever room they wanted during that time. You are complaining about what would be an inconvenience to you think how much more inconvenient things would be had they not given you that money and you didnt have your new house for your bigger family. Even if you had to pay movers to move stuff after they left its still less than a down payment on the house. You seem very self involved and ungrateful to me

SparkySharky · February 2014

It's easy to misread all of this as complaining, but my initial wtf reaction aside - this is actually about making the most of what I have. My goal is to make everything easiest for all of us and what I'm saying is that 1) giving them the playroom seems to actually make it harder on everyone, and 2) there have got to be other solutions given all of our resources.

As for the gratitude issue, acquiescing to this specific request is not the only way to show gratitude, and as a general matter, there's no shortage of gratitude here. If I say no, it's not going to be b/c we're not grateful. It's going to be b/c I have a better plan.

*sparky* · February 2014

So you are saying after they leave you will have to take the bed up two flights of stairs to the attic. Are you asking them to sleep up two flights (so on the 3rd floor) or on the 2nd floor while they stay with you? Then in your follow up you are saying you would rather have them on a mattress on the living room floor than in the guest room. That makes absolutely no sense to me. Where will they put their things? What about a little privacy for the 2 months they will be there?

If you can deal wiht a mattress in the middle of the living room floor, why can't you put a PNP and/or some baby toys in there instead? When I had DS, I had a PNP in my family room, and I had diapers, wipes, etc. in a little bin next to the PNP so I didn't have to run up and down the steps. I will do the same thing this time. It is not that hard.

It just seems like you are way too hung up on how you thoguht things would go and you are unwilling to let it go. There is not a chance in hell I would ask my parents to sleep on a mattress on the LR floor for close to two months while they helped me with my kids. Let them have the first floor BR and deal with moving things around after they are gone.

PrimRoseMama · February 2014

I think you are being very unreasonable & kind of mean to your IL when they are sacrificing a lot to help you. They aren't asking for payment for their services.

Just a space to sleep & maybe have some privacy. I don't think climbing stairs is a big deal, but they've made this request. It seems like the only thing they've asked for.

In the long run you are getting help when some get none. You get a shiny new house, help to unpack & care for your kids. Stop being selfish & let your in-law have that bedroom. It's seriously not the end of the world. FFS.

I don't even *like* my MIL-- but if she volunteered to help me after chemo then I would STFU about it.

MaybeKatie10 · February 2014

OP, no.

Just no.

Are you seriously suggesting that your Mother who just spent God knows how long getting poisen (because that is what chemo is) pumped into her body should sleep for 6 weeks on a mattress on your LIVING ROOM FLOOR while she HELPS YOU FOR FREE? The fact that you consider this a "better" or even "acceptable" option both shocks and horrifies me. Shame on you!

You keep whining and crying about how difficult and inconvenient it will be for you to move some toys and a couple of pieces of furniture around after she leaves, but not a single thing you mentioned is more difficult than, say....

Living through chemotherapy.

Depleting your own retirement funds to write your daughter a big fat check to better her life.

Sacrificing 6-8 weeks of your golden years (time that should be spent on a beach sipping wine and enjoying retirement) to sign up to be an UNPAID workhorse.

These are all the things your Mom has done recently and you are BEGRUDGING her a bedroom where SHE feels like SHE will be most comfortable! Instead of being touched and humbled by her extreme generousity, you are busy scheming to think up ways to get to sleep on your floor instead!

How are you not embarrassed by the words you are typing? How are you not ashamed by the very thoughts in your head?

Not only should your Mother get ANY ROOM in the house that SHE wants, there should be a chocolate on her pillow every night and a fresh cup of coffee on her bedside table every morning.

And if you dare begrudge her this minor request in the face of all her kindness, then shame on you some more. Is this really the example of hospitality and family love you want to set for YOUR OWN children?!?

Think about it.

spacepotatoes · February 2014

Is it really not possible to put a PNP and some toys downstairs, and maybe set up a changing station so that the kids can nap and play down there without everything have to be lugged up/down stairs? This doesn't seem like it needs to be as complicated as you're making it sound, OP.

*sparky* · February 2014

Also, if you put a PNP in the LR and need a quiet place for the LO to nap without running up and down the stairs, can you wheel it into the BR your parents are using during the day? That way they can still use that room but you don't have to have the baby napping in the LR where people will be milling around.

tcam2012 · February 2014

Having a playroom does not guarantee any of the things you are hoping for. Your DS will probably want to be where everyone else is, go exploring, make juice collages & all of that no matter what play area you set up for him. I hear that you're overwhelmed or afraid to be. But I think you're focusing that energy in the wrong place. Give your parents what they want. It will all work out. You all will settle into your new routines & your new normal & then you won't even be able to remember what it was like having only one or what would make you so worried that you would even think to deny your mom's request. Your mom seems like someone who takes care of others. Take this chance to take care of her.

ohwhynot85 · February 2014

PrimRoseMama said:

I think you are being very unreasonable & kind of mean to your IL when they are sacrificing a lot to help you. They aren't asking for payment for their services. Just a space to sleep & maybe have some privacy. I don't think climbing stairs is a big deal, but they've made this request. It seems like the only thing they've asked for. In the long run you are getting help when some get none. You get a shiny new house, help to unpack & care for your kids. Stop being selfish & let your in-law have that bedroom. It's seriously not the end of the world. FFS. I don't even *like* my MIL-- but if she volunteered to help me after chemo then I would STFU about it.

Its HER parents - her mom that had chemo....not her IL. Makes it worse.

RondackHiker · February 2014

Kimbus22 said:

SparkySharky said:

I know from an "I owe you so much and you've been through so much" standpoint, it's a no-brainer. As a practical matter, though, I'm struggling to come around. I don't entirely know what to expect having 2U2. Being pregnant and having one was overwhelming (God bless all those farmers' wives who had their babies in the field and kept right on working...), much less having a newborn with an active 15-mo-old. If DD takes 45 minutes to BF like DS did - what in he!! am I going to do to keep DS occupied and out of trouble without shutting him in his room or putting him in a pack and play? Even with my parents there to help, they will have to chase him around instead of watching him in a contained area, and they will be hauling him and down the stairs for everything (naps, quiet play when DD is sleeping, diaper changes...) instead of having a space for those things to be done downstairs where we all are. Plus, when you throw in having to cook and taking time out for other responsibilities, we will be one person down b/c someone will have to be trailing DS. Our place will be childproofed, but that doesn't mean he won't be in the living room pulling stuff off of tables, climbing underneath, reaching into vents, making a juice collage on the floor or couch, or pulling down a dining room chair on top of himself.

Forgetting about the additional mess of having an extra couch, extra chairs, and baby paraphernalia in already cramped spaces, and having to haul couches and beds up and down stairs after they leave; I'm just not sure that I can wrap my head around this being a solution that won't actually cause all of us more difficulties watching the kids. It really seems like every trip my parents are saved going up the stairs to fetch something from their room would be doubled or tripled by the number of trips upstairs to get one of the babies or get something one of them needs. I offered to just be on call to run up and grab whatever they need to minimize the trips to their room, b/c once they've woken up and showered, they shouldn't have too many trips back to their room other than putting babies down for naps. We also offered to let them have the upstairs bathroom all to themselves and we would use the downstairs bathroom.

Maybe the solution would be to set up everything the way we've been planning, but make a space for them to sleep on our mattress on the floor in the living room. It seems more practical to go without a living room than without a playroom and it's much bigger so we could still have the furniture in there, even if pushed against a wall.

1. You are overthinking and being selfish.

2. Plenty of people do 2U2 on their own. No matter who sleeps where, you're still taking about 2 kids and THREE adults. You'll be fine. And at 15 months old, your kid is going to turn any space you put him in into a disaster area. In under 10 seconds.

3. The fact that you're even considering making them sleep on a mattress on the floor just proves that the only person you're concerned about here is you. In which case YOU should have paid for YOUR downpayment so YOU can watch YOUR kids alone in the way you see fit.

The sense of entitlement here is staggering. Staggering.

Team @kimbus22.

Dump some freaking toys in the living room for your son to play with. Have a diaper changing station and nap station downstairs.

Give your mom, who is recovering from freaking chemo, the room she requested. They gave you money and are leaving their home for SIX WEEKS to help you.

luvmybundle · February 2014

i would not even think about putting a mattress on the floor in the living room and having my parents who are coming to stay to help sleep there. i surely wouldn't appreciate those accommodations if i were them, especially knowing there's a playroom that could be used. plus it isn't like the stuff in the playroom is only being moved around for a few days; they are staying for 6 weeks so i think it's worth the hassle/headache.

notkateanymore · February 2014

You are being completely selfish and horrible. Give your SICK mother who is coming to help your selfish ass the room she wants and get the fuck over yourself.

outnumbered · February 2014

2U2 is not as hard as you think. My oldest were 14 months apart. My husband went back to work 4 days after the second was born. He had no choice. I had no help and no playroom (gasp). Can you imagine that? I survived without a playroom! I had a basket with diapers and wipes in the living room and changed both on the floor. I also had a basket of toys in the living room. If I really needed a moment to keep my 14 month old occupied and safe I strapped her into her high chair with toys and the TV on. Really it is not rocket science. You are being selfish and mean. Give your parents the bedroom.

Edit: Corrected mine oldest to my oldest. Ugh. Fingernails on chalkboard.

rosesandpetals · February 2014

Someone offers to stay for 2 months to give you free child care and help after a c section and you won't let them pick the room that is easiest for them? Why are they even coming? You sound ungrateful and horrible. "Oh God, we will have to move the bed upstairs." Your mom through chemo and is still recovering but wants to help you. Stfu and give her the damn room.

myeverything1203 · February 2014

I agree with @KateMW. That is pretty fucking selfish....it's a room. She didn't have to help yall out, but she did Bc she loves you. Respect your SICK mother's wishes and let her have the room, she's recovering from chemo. Be lucky your mom is still here, mine isn't and I would do anything for her to be here.

KFED103 · February 2014

I have 2u2 right now and I 99.9999% guarantee your older kid doesn't give two shits about a playroom right now. They are too busy jumping on couches, unloading kitchen cabinets, and dumping Cheerios on the floor to care.

I agree you are overthinking it. Change your kids on the couch or floor and they can take naps somewhere else. Your parents (especially your mom) deserve more gratefulness than this. Even if it's inconvenice down the road when you have to....wait for it...MOVE A BED!! (((Gasp)))

mcgeeva · February 2014

I still would love to know what toddler stays in a playroom. My DS is 23 months and still will only last 5 minutes in ours. So our plan like I did last time..I will live on the first floor with the kitchen and living room. I don't give a shit if things are everywhere. Everyone will be in one place where I can see them and I am able to cook for them..without any help. Shocking

outnumbered · February 2014

mcgeeva said:

I still would love to know what toddler stays in a playroom. My DS is 23 months and still will only last 5 minutes in ours. So our plan like I did last time..I will live on the first floor with the kitchen and living room. I don't give a shit if things are everywhere. Everyone will be in one place where I can see them and I am able to cook for them..without any help. Shocking

I imagine the OP telling the toddler "That is the playroom. That is your assigned space. You are not allowed to cross the threshold or you will be shocked.". Maybe she can install an invisible fence and keep her parents and toddler corralled.

mcgeeva · February 2014

Oh and the fact she will be unpacking..unless she has specific tasks for her parents to do. I just moved 6 months ago with a husband that travels weekly, I work full time and had no help..and let me tell you..that was a cluster F with ds. He was in every box but I got it done. But again she will have a man down for cooking food or following DS so it will be a lot harder then I could imagine with only two extra set of adults to help.

SparkySharky · February 2014

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. We were able to work this out without all of the emotional animus that this thread seemed to predict. I did share this thread with my mom, though, and she's asking me to say "thanks" on her behalf. So thanks, everyone!

MaybeKatie10 · February 2014

SparkySharky said:

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. We were able to work this out without all of the emotional animus that this thread seemed to predict. I did share this thread with my mom, though, and she's asking me to say "thanks" on her behalf. So thanks, everyone!

Who wants to bet this SAINT of a Mother saw this thread and VOLUNTEERED to sleep on the living room floor and the OP is LETTING her?

Hopefully, one day the OP's own children will take her example and will treat her like she treats her own parents. Everyone gets hit by the karma bus sooner or later.

immakirstinn · February 2014

Oh man, there are SO many things I could say about this post right now, especially since my own mom has stage 4 breast cancer that came back in her spine after having a double masectomy PLUS chemo twice and radiation all of which left her horrible scarred and with eternal back pain. But you know what? All these other ladies have pretty much said what I would have so I'll leave it at that. I just pray that you ended up NOT having your parents sleep on a freaking air mattress. Heaven knows your mom must really be a saint to deal with the kind of crap you told us about here.

cantsitwithus · February 2014

JFC

ugoglencoco · February 2014

This seriously makes me nauseous. You should be bowing down at your selfless mothers feet for
A. Giving you help with your down payment
B.giving up 2 months of her life to help you out
C. Doing this all while recovering from chemo

How selfish are you?! Give her the damn room. Do you not see everything she has done for you?! And you can't stand to repay her by doing the one thing she's asking of you?! That is just.. I don't know. I really don't even have a word for it. I'm speechless. Awful. Also, Did you not think about you know, maybe the thought of what 2 children would be like before you got pregnant? That, yeah, you might have to run around a little more and make some more adjustments? That you might just have to deal with toys strewn about the house every once in a while? I take care of my 2 kids everyday while my husband works from sun up to sun down with no help besides Disney junior. You chose to have another child. You need to figure it out, because at some point, your moms not gonna be there to hold your hand anymore.

mavgirl_73 · February 2014

BEC please. I have 3u3, no playroom and my husband stays at home with them all day. You are the epitome of narcissism. It's called respect and gratefulness.

Krilolo · February 2014

MUD IMO. Also, there's a @sparkysharky AND a @*sparky* ?? Weird..

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