Surprised by DH's selfishness

chrinikki1 · February 2014

My goal is to get support... Although this is going to come out like a rant. DH kindly asked me which hotel in Vegas I want to stay at in Aug. at first I started processing if we (baby and I) should even go at 4weeks... Until 4 weeks registered. "4 weeks?? Wait, you won't be back to work until the 6." DH: "I'm not taking off 6 weeks. I've spoken to MANY PPL and they said 2 weeks tops. I'll go 'crazy'." [I freak out internally] "no, u don't understand, I am going to need u. I don't know what I'm doing. U do remember u r my ONLY support?" (We live a state away from my fam and his... Even he avoids until holidays") DH replies "just call my mom or something." [i freak out out loud] "Get out of my shower. NOW"... 10 min later DH: "want to watch a movie?" Me: "No" DH: "r u going to be pissed all night?" Me: "u better leave me alone cause u WILL NOT like what I have to say to u"... 2 hrs later I'm still fuming. HELLLLLLLPPPPPP??? He is normally one of the best teammates. I have never regretted marrying him or ever thought the nastiness I am thinking. Background: I did change our never want kids plan and he only went along for me. He is a workaholic but so am I. He travels 65% of the year and I am typically completely independent. Because I have never wanted kids I have no idea what I am doing (he knows wayyy more than me no exaggeration), I have never paid attention to my friends' pg experiences so let me repeat I KNOW MINIMAL and what to expect books/half these posts FREAK ME OUT with all the "could happen"...Ready...GO!

Ylvelill · February 2014

You are going to be fine

but perhaps the two of you can compromise on 4 weeks instead of 6 or 2?

When are you going back to work? Are you getting a nanny or a daycare? You can always consider getting a mom helper if he can't be there so you aren't alone.

EleanorKr · February 2014

Taking 6 weeks paternity leave sounds like a lot to me to be honest.

Can't you take the coming few months to read a couple of books and prepare yourself? Find a book that doesn't freak you out, stay away from things that freak you out.

Two weeks together should be enough to get into a routine and to start feeling more confident about taking care of your baby. And anything you don't know you can figure out as you go along.

I do think he should have talked to you about it so you can decide together, but have confidence in yourself!

TallMomma29 · February 2014

My DH only gets 10 days (which I think includes weekend days if he takes them). I think for a lot of jobs 2 weeks is pretty standard for paternity leave, although I can see how 6 weeks would be nice! If he really only takes 2 weeks, you really will be just fine!

By "go crazy" does he mean he thinks he'll go crazy being stuck home with you and the baby? (vs falling too far behind at work or something like that)? I don't think the potential that he will go "crazy" out of boredom or being stuck at home all day with kid is a reasonable excuse to leave you on your own. That sounds really selfish. From what I've heard, mamas go a little crazy too in those initial weeks. If you both have the time off you can take turns getting breaks from the baby, and also go out and do stuff together instead of feeling stuck in the house on baby mode 24/7 (I say this having no idea what it is like attempting to leave the house with a newborn ;-)).

hope1017 · February 2014

Once you have your baby your mother instincts will kick in. Even if you paid attention to your friends pregnancies and such does not mean you are ready for what's coming. I have a niece and nephew and I am too terrified of all of this. Just try to relax and when you are in the hospital with the baby try to ask as much questions as you can, I'm sure the nurses there will answer your questions and give you the best advise. Also have you considered in going to classes? Parenting? That sort?

AMcLaws · February 2014

My DH only stayed home for one week with our DD. With this one, he'll probably do about the same. It's not paternity leave, he has to take paid vacation. My DD may stay with a sitter some of the days for a few weeks after I have LO, because I'm having an RCS and idk how much my recovery will allow me to do for/with her. We still have to discuss it.

pantherRN · February 2014

MH is taking a week initially a and then probably another week at some point when I'm home. I'll be on leave for 12 weeks total. Truthfully, I don't know that I would want DH home with me for a full 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure that would make me lose my mind.

Dream123456778 · February 2014

Consider yourself lucky. MY dh plans to take off as few days as possible. We're moving in with my parents or mom is moving in with us so I guess it's different.

tourqeyes · February 2014

I think part of you is going to want to kill him if he stays home for 6 weeks.

If that's what you guys decide is best for you, great, but I think it sounds like entirely way too much time for everyone to be home together.

MississippiCatfish · February 2014

pantherRN said:
MH is taking a week initially a and then probably another week at some point when I'm home. I'll be on leave for 12 weeks total. Truthfully, I don't know that I would want DH home with me for a full 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure that would make me lose my mind.

My DH took 2 weeks vacation after his 2 weeks paternity and we were SOOO ready for him to go back to work. It's hard spending 24x7 together! I would try to go with the flow if I were you.

You will do great. You pick it up quick. Newborns sleep a LOT so that helps with taking a shower, making a meal, etc. You can do it!

fmb2011 · February 2014

MH only took off a couple days. In all honesty, I wanted the time to relax and just be with the baby myself. I think 6 weeks is a lot to ask. If you don't mind me asking what do you want him home for during those 6 weeks?

Lhalliburton · February 2014

You're lucky, my DH is only going to get 2 days. Two weeks will allow you to get a major handle on things. You'll be just fine. With my first, I did it alone. No spouse or anything and I did fine. You'll be great.

JMCB09 · February 2014

My DH took 3 weeks, which for his schedule is 12 days. It was PLENTY of time. 6 weeks is rather excessive.

AutumnBonfire · February 2014

You'll be fine. With my first, DH had five days off in the beginning and four of those were in the hospital. Then he was home over the weekend and went back to work on Monday. Nobody came over to help me with the baby (and I really didn't want them to). I was just fine.

lowerygirl · February 2014

The military gives my husband up to 10 days...from what I have heard this is a normal paternity leave time for most careers. Our family is all in another state as well, but they will be back and forth to visit and see the baby. I would honestly be ready to kill my husband if he was home for six weeks. I believe everyone needs some time apart. Hopefully you can find a way to compromise so you can both be happy, but I would be shocked if his job actually let him have 6 weeks off.

VTKatie · February 2014

I don't know anyone who gets 6 weeks of paternity leave. SO has a ton of vacation and could take off several weeks but I like the idea of bonding with baby. He will take 2, then another when we go on vacation in September. I would go nuts if he took longer than that.

cookieinva · February 2014

I will barely get to take 6 weeks of my own accrued leave as maternity leave, let alone DH. Neither of us get and actual maternity or paternity leave as federal employees. That is a lot of time. Would you feel more comfortable knowing he is going back to work but if something happens and you really need him you can call him and he can come home? Consider that if it is something he would be able to do. Lots of other good suggestions above.

JayBzo · February 2014

We were basically planning 1 week off for DH... I would like him to be able to take some other time here and there but who knows, all I know that we agree on is 1 week - I hadn't even thought of more time off to be honest. I have no idea what being a mom is like, but I figure it will all work out! Gotta start somewhere..

Unknown · February 2014

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Allison546 · February 2014

My DH took off 4 days. It was fine. You really won't need round-the-clock help. Especially if you are breastfeeding- you'll be the only one feeding, so besides DH taking care of the house, holding baby, etc. he'll probably get bored.

jnnfrrose6 · February 2014

First, OP, please avoid "text speak" on here. We're adults. We use proper english and grammar.

Now, to your actual concerns. Sure, I'd be upset at DH if the original plan had been 6 weeks off (I assume you both discussed this and you didn't just assume that was the time he was taking) and then he changed his plans on it without discussing it with you. However, 6 weeks is a very long time for a father to stay home. Some mothers only get 6 weeks before they have to go back to work.

As others have said, I'm pretty sure I'd go crazy too if DH was home that much. It's hard to create a routine when you have another person to incorporate. Your LO will only be eating, sleeping, and pooping for the most part in that first month. Unless you are formula feeding, there isn't much for DH to help with except changing a diaper and that takes about a minute.

Last time around, DH stayed home for that first week (when everyone is trying to figure out how this former family of two will now function as 3). It was helpful because I was recovering from a c-section, but during the day (and night for that matter), there really wasn't much going on except getting to know our baby. By the second week, I was ready to get DH out some and be on my own with LO. Hell, by the second week, I was ready to get out of the house myself. I much preferred getting into our family routine that would actually include DH working and me being on my own with DS sooner rather than later and getting to used to having the help.

marsalisails · February 2014

Ditto to everything PPs said. Most men do not get to take a whole FMLA after their wives give birth.

Also remember throughout the whole process - most new mom's go through EVERYTHING you are about to go through. You're not alone - you are not isolated on an island. I bet there are several mommy groups in your area that you can join. I went to one with my son starting when he was two weeks old. Even with DH at home, you'll be going through so many emotions that he won't be able to wrap his head around...it could be a big help to see other women either going through the same things, or with older kids that can give advice.

Believe me, it'll be a lot more helpful than having DH home, no matter how big of a rock star he is (or isn't).

knitsandgiggles · February 2014

I agree with @bliss+berry and echo what others have said. 6 weeks is a long time. Will he be using all of his accrued vacation/personal/sick time? If he is,what about future holiday breaks, emergencies, etc.? If DH's family lives close and is willing to help, use them as a resource. In the beginning there isn't a ton DH can do anyway, especially if you are nursing. He can help with diaper changes and hold the baby while you shower and get a break, but newborns sleep a lot.

pfeilele · February 2014

DH started a new job weeks before DS was born, so they offered to schedule a random week off. It happened to be the week I was induced. By the time we got home, I had three days with him. I managed to take care of my reflux food allergy never stop crying baby on my own. I have family near me, but they worked as well so I was on my own.

I understand you're scared, but you WILL be okay. Even with two weeks, you guys will learn about your baby and you'll be amazed at how great of a mother you can be. Honestly, you might even want him to go back because you'll want to figure out your own routine with baby! I think you're overreacting a bit, but I think it's normal. I promise you'll be okay. If you guys can compromise, that's great. He might appreciate that you asked him to take more time off once he holds baby. But I still think you're making a bigger deal out of this than necessary.

jjess1201 · February 2014

I agree with some of the other posts, 6 weeks is a lot of paternity leave. Newborns sleep a lot so what would you need him home that much for? Personally, I would not like my husband hovering around all day every day for 6 weeks! Lol im not sure if you will work after the baby is born but my other reason I personally wouldn't want him to take 6 weeks off is because this is my time to bond with the baby and get a routine down, which would be hard with my husband home. He will take probably 3-4 days off when baby is born and then maybe a few days off a couple weeks later to spend time and bond, this way I will be recovered and would have time to go do errands and such.

cuntasaurusrex · February 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

TBH, you are the one overreacting and being selfish. Six weeks is a lot of time to expect him take off.

I don't know where the whole Vegas things comes in because honestly your post was a little confusing and hard to read. I guess you're planning on bringing your month old baby to Vegas? Not something I would be comfortable with, but whatever.

Thank you for nicely stating what I was about to say with a nastygram.

Lola825 · February 2014

chrinikki1 said:
My goal is to get support... Although this is going to come out like a rant. DH kindly asked me which hotel in Vegas I want to stay at in Aug. at first I started processing if we (baby and I) should even go at 4weeks... Until 4 weeks registered. "4 weeks?? Wait, you won't be back to work until the 6." DH: "I'm not taking off 6 weeks. I've spoken to MANY PPL and they said 2 weeks tops. I'll go 'crazy'." [I freak out internally] "no, u don't understand, I am going to need u. I don't know what I'm doing. U do remember u r my ONLY support?" (We live a state away from my fam and his... Even he avoids until holidays") DH replies "just call my mom or something." [i freak out out loud] "Get out of my shower. NOW"... 10 min later DH: "want to watch a movie?" Me: "No" DH: "r u going to be pissed all night?" Me: "u better leave me alone cause u WILL NOT like what I have to say to u"... 2 hrs later I'm still fuming. HELLLLLLLPPPPPP??? He is normally one of the best teammates. I have never regretted marrying him or ever thought the nastiness I am thinking. Background: I did change our never want kids plan and he only went along for me. He is a workaholic but so am I. He travels 65% of the year and I am typically completely independent. Because I have never wanted kids I have no idea what I am doing (he knows wayyy more than me no exaggeration), I have never paid attention to my friends' pg experiences so let me repeat I KNOW MINIMAL and what to expect books/half these posts FREAK ME OUT with all the "could happen"...Ready...GO!

I honestly am struggling with getting past you taking your 4week old to Vegas.

Also, QFP because you never know.

Unknown · February 2014

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TigerLily12345 · February 2014

Did you ever tell your DH that you expect him to take off 6 weeks? How did you arrive at that magic number?

He shouldn't be expected to read your mind. Assuming of course he will take off 6 weeks is frankly pretty unreasonable.

allardr · February 2014

Most DH's don't have the option of 6 weeks. So I can understand him, especially you saying he was never huge on kids not wanting to stay home 6 weeks. DH was home one week after DD (no family anywhere near us) and I was just fine. First two weeks I can say it would be nice as you'll still be recovering. But if you want longer I say compromise. I wouldn't demand 6 weeks. However above all else it should be a conversation with neither side assuming they get to just tell the other the plan.

As for the trip, we did 16hr drive for a wedding at 5 weeks and it was very enjoyable. They travel easy at that age. But I guess everyone is different. It depends a lot on what the trip is for and flight/drive possibilities.

runrinserepeat · February 2014

Sorry, but I agree with PPs. 6 weeks is a lot of time for him to take off. I do think he should have discussed it with you first, but I don't think he's being selfish when he says he wants to go back to work after that.

And... yeah. I thought this whole thing was going to be about how he wanted to go to Vegas and leave you alone with a 4 week old baby. And then it sounded like you were going along.... you realize you're probably still going to be bleeding out of your lady bits and your boobs will be leaking everywhere and the baby will need to eat every 2 hours and forget about getting a good chunk of sleep, right?

Unknown · February 2014

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TurtleMonsters · February 2014

I think DS had 2- it was around xmas, so I think he took off from the birth through the holidays. I'm spoiled he works from home. I agree with pp's but wanted to add, the baby won't do much those first couple of weeks. Mine slept. a lot. After having a C section, it helped to have ppl around for MY recovery there- but that was because I was trying to do too much. Otherwise all they do is sleep and poop, and cry, need a feed every couple of hours. I made a bunch of freezer meals or ordered out for food. We co slept (and BF'd) so I wasn't up all night long- just to change a diaper or so. So you CAN do this. It's tiring, but not impossible, you won't NEED him for so long.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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runrinserepeat · February 2014

shanicenicolle said:

I'm surprised that so many companies offer so little time for paternity leave.

Technically if they qualify for FMLA, they have to offer 12 weeks. That said, I don't know one guy at the job I work who's ever taken more than 4 off for the birth of his child.

cuntasaurusrex · February 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

Also, I love Vegas and I'm not a germaphobe, but honestly that is the last place in the US I would take a baby that hasn't been vaccinated. Have you spoken to your doctor about that? I mean, mine doesn't say no outings until 6 weeks, but they did recommend no crowded places (like airports, hotels, etc.) for the first couple months.

Seriously.. and I was slightly concerned about the idea of taking LO camping at 6 weeks (pending finding out how much of a screamer he is, of course).

[Deleted User] · February 2014

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AutumnBonfire · February 2014

kleMcK said:

shanicenicolle said:

I'm surprised that so many companies offer so little time for paternity leave.

Technically if they qualify for FMLA, they have to offer 12 weeks. That said, I don't know one guy at the job I work who's ever taken more than 4 off for the birth of his child.

My husband was able to take 12 weeks of FMLA after DS was born. He was only allowed to use vacation days and not sick to get part of it paid. I think he took 9 weeks off, 2 unpaid. This was after I did my 12 weeks of leave in order to give DS more time at home before starting daycare. We did not both stay home at the same time. DH really enjoyed it and got to bond with DS. Unfortunately, this time around he doesn't have the vacation time saved up so we're probably looking at him staying home maybe 4 weeks after I go back to work.

alysie89 · February 2014

I'm sorry OP but your post was odd and confusing. Vegas? That would be something I'd seriously think twice about. I personally would not do it, and I'm pretty open to a lot of things.

Now as for your husband's leave... 6 weeks seems excessive! Very excessive, even if this is your first. I think that after 2 weeks you should have the routine down, or at least be working towards one that works for you. My husband may get a couple of days, as in the day we have the baby and the next day, and that's if the next day isn't serious at work, in which case he may work a part day.

lindslalala · February 2014

Please don't take your 1 month old to Vegas. Such a bad idea. The horrible smoke everywhere, the crowds, etc. 6 weeks is a lot of paternity leave. Try compromising with him. DH took 4 weeks off for our first and went back to work after 3 weeks.

AKbadwolf · February 2014

For DD, my DH took a week off, worked from home half a day for a week (the other half of the day was at the office) and then went back to work. We were also trying to get our older two in to get their yearly checkups, dental appts, vision appts, ect. so the help was appreciated.

With this one, DH will be on orders so he will get the day of delivery off, but that is all he has to get (Guard on orders vs active duty military). A friend of mine had her DH get only the day of delivery off as well since he was in class when they had their DD. She was a ftm.

Honestly, 6 weeks is a lot to expect DH to take off. Typically moms take 6 weeks off to heal, get a handle on boobs squirting milk, and all which he isn't doing. I know some moms that only took a week off because that's all they could afford.

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