July 2014 Moms
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Surprised by DH's selfishness

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Re: Surprised by DH's selfishness

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    Newborns are actually pretty boring.  There's no need for you both to be around for 6 weeks.  DH is a medical resident and he'll be lucky to a couple of days off.
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    My husband, whom I affectionately call Dadzilla took the longest paternity leave of anyone I know. Now, he gets 40 PTO days a year off, so I'm glad that he used them, but it was a bit extreme. In our case, it helped because I went back to work (work from home) by 4 weeks. 

    What we did, and I'm only telling you this as a possible alternative to 6 weeks straight (extreme IMO) was he took the first 2 full weeks off. After that, he worked every other day (3 day weeks) for the next 4 weeks, totaling 6 weeks but only 22 days taken off. This allowed him to get his critical daily tasks done and still be home to help me. 

    I had no experience with children prior to having my daughter and suffered from pretty bad undiagnosed PPD. 

    Vegas with a 4 week old is pretty intense and you may want to reconsider this. 
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    It drives me crazy when people post things like this and never respond or come back for follow-up.
    She might not be happy that she didn't get the support she was looking for here.  In any case, still pretty lame.
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    My DH took 2 weeks when DS was born and 1 week when DD was born. I had never even changed a diaper when DS was born and I had a very rough recovery. Even still, after 2 weeks I was fine being home with him during the day. You'll be fine. Maybe you can ask him not to travel for a little bit longer than 2 weeks, but I agree with some of the PPs that 6 weeks is a pretty long paternity leave.
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    Thank u all for your posts. DH is the one who told me his work gives him paid 6 weeks which I then took to mean that was what the norm was. Then my coworkers (all 3 of them) said their DH helped out a lot even with family. Truthfully, what I realized reading the posts is all I think about is WHAT IF I SUCK AT BF?? I don't feel comfortable at all telling SIL/MIL... And my friends, we we've only know each other a year so I don't know that I'm at that level. Apparently, I view DH as my security blanket but really, what could he do physically to help that. Sigh. Overreaction for sure.

    Lastly, Vegas. We travel, a lot. DH's company supports families traveling on some of the trips since he's gone so much. No it wouldn't be partying or walking down the strip. It'd be more dirt tracks in the desert. The doc said I can travel at 4 weeks but no airplanes. Which we drive anyway. I'm confused on if there will be a routine by 2 weeks or so and all they do is eat, sleep, poop why traveling would be a problem? It's going to be at a fancy casino-free hotel so the most action it'd get is a lobby and sleeping by the pool or the grand stands. Is that too many ppl around it? The doc was pretty relaxed about it when I asked if I could travel that early (I didn't specifically say the destination) not mentioning anything about too many ppl. I've started reading another book that says kids adapt at a young age to travel and are pretty resilient to changes. Is this true STMs?
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    It drives me crazy when people post things like this and never respond or come back for follow-up.

    I posted it around 10pm last night. It's 9:04am. Maybe u aren't in the same time zone?
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    Six weeks for paternity leave is a huge amount of leave. With my first, DH took a week off and worked from home part of that week. Is there anyone else (mom, friend, neighbor) you could ask to look in on you or just give you a little break during the few weeks after DH goes back to work?

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    Get in contact with a lactation specialist and take a breast feeding class to prepare yourself :) they can help you after birth as well if you struggle or so I hope. I fear the breastfeeding too :(

    As for travel, if you aren't going to be running about all day and staying out all hours you should be fine. You may want to reconsider being by the pool unless it is indoors, babies have a hard time regulating their body heart early on :)
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    sparklebootsparkleboot member
    edited February 2014
    A couple thoughts:

    1. DH and I knew jack shit about kids before having our own. You figure it out. Even our friends with extensive kid experience prior to having their own children reiterate the fact that nothing can actually prepare you for the 24/7 responsibility of being a parent. 

    2. DH took 2 weeks of paternity leave and that was considered very generous for his company. I'm sort of shocked that someone would even be allowed to take off 6 weeks (but maybe I'm assuming you're in the US). That being said, at the end of those 2 weeks we were both ready to nail-down some sort of routine and DH going back to work was a big help in that area. 

    3. Your DH would be wise to save some of his vacation/sick time because your baby will get sick, will need to go to the doctor's office, etc. If my DH had burnt out all his leave on the newborn phase, we would have been screwed the rest of the year when we needed to toggle parental duties for unanticipated sickness, etc. 

    4. Having a child is not something you ask someone to just "go along with". Yikes. If that's the case, I am astounded that you'd be surprised by your DH wanting his life to get back to normal ASAP. 

    5. Are you seriously planning to go to Vegas with a newborn? I think you both have major naivety about the next stage of your lives and need to visit the "Parenting" section of your local library. 

    ETA: standard grammar cringe

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    AnotherPreggoAnotherPreggo member
    edited February 2014
    I was in the same boat as you.... knew absolutely nothing about babies.  I had never even held a baby until DD, therefore obviously never fed a baby, changed a diaper, put a baby to sleep... etc.  I wasn't terrified of the prospect of giving birth like most of the women on my BMB were... no, labor and delivery is over eventually.  Being a parent, is not.  I felt very unprepared, but knew it'd all work out.

    DH only had 1 week of vacation time to use when DD was born.  We had no family around to help.  Friends dropped off meals, but never helped with anything else (I was very grateful for the meals!).  I'm sure they would have if I asked, but DD had issues as a newborn, and was extremely difficult until we figured out all her food sensitivities.  I cried when DH went back to work, but got through it obviously.

    If your husband is able to take more than just those 2 weeks off, that would be great.  It does seem selfish of him to say his reasoning is that he will go stir-crazy.  You can take a baby many outdoor places in July, so it isn't like he will be stuck in the house constantly.  I'd ask him to compromise if you are really nervous.  Is it vacation time that he has saved up?  If so, it might be a good idea to have him save a couple weeks for further down the road anyway.  Six weeks does seem like an awful lot of paternity time.  Just try to talk it over with him and come to some sort of meeting point.  GL
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    Travel with a young baby in some ways is way easier and in some ways is much more difficult.  I recommend waiting till you have a little one before making the decision to go to Vegas.  Personally, I would go as long as you don't intend on being around a ton of people.  I am traveling when this one is little ~6 weeks and we are flying.  I am comfortable with this though. 

    13 yr old boy with ASD, ADHD and PICA, 11 yr old boy, 3 yr old Girl, & baby Girl.

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    I had DS late on a Tuesday night- DH and I both worked full days that day. He took the rest of that week and the following week off, and it was plenty.

    Can you ask DH about a gradual return to work? Maybe home with you for two weeks, then work part-time the third week, and back to full-time the 4th week.

    And nope- your 4 week old will be no where close to being on a schedule. And don't stress about it- feed when LO is hungry, don't try to schedule feedings every x hrs. And for the love of all things holy DO NOT wake a sleeping baby to feed it!! Infants have better hunger cues than adults and will wake when they need food.

    See about getting the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding- a book put out by La Leche League. Check out kellymom.com for all sorts of pregnancy and parenting advice.

    And, you're going to be great at this. Remember- none of us had any idea what we were getting into the first time around either!

    Mommy to R (8.23.11) and K (6.21.14).

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    If your husband gets a full 6 weeks paid paternity leave I think he would be crazy not to take it.  Is there anyway he can break it up say 2-4 weeks in the beginning take some time with the baby by himself after you go back to work?  With my DS my husband took 3 days off the first week until my Mom could come help for a week, then he took 6 weeks off with the baby after I went back to work at 12 weeks.  My DH loved having his own bonding time with the baby, and I felt better going back to work knowing my DH was home with DS.

    Also I found a good class in my area for first time moms that meet once a week.  Is there anything like that in your area?  I found it extremely helpful.
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    You'll be fine. My husband worked after I delivered, literally I was still in the hospital and he was at work. He took no time since he owns his company. At the time I thought it was the pits, but it really helped me (quickly) adjust to motherhood.

    Also, at 4 weeks I was so exhausted, I didn't want to go to the store, much less Vegas. You also don't know if you might have to have a c section, which you would still be recovering from at 4 weeks and need to take it easy.

    I took a vacation when my daughter was 7 months. It was a lot of time spent nursing and napping while stuck in a hotel room. I would've rather been at home and waited to travel when we could all enjoy it as a family.
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    Ummm... I wouldn't take a newborn to Vegas (even at a "casino-free" hotel).  I'm not sure what the desert track (trek?) is, but somehow that sounds like a lot of dust for a baby to be breathing?  I can't imagine that being good for developing lungs.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to take my baby to the stratosphere so we can go on the roller coast... oh wait, we can't, because it's a baby.  Okay, how about a fun show?  Cirque de Soleil.. I'm sure baby will love the loud noises and be quiet for everyone around us to enjoy spending their money!  Hrm, maybe a fancy dinner out (since we wouldn't be doing freemont street, or strolling through any casinos since they're *all* smoke all the time)?  Just my opinion... then again, we're debating going on a trip while still out on maternity, however Vegas never crossed my mind for all the reasons listed above.

    I asked DH to take 2 weeks off... to help while I'm still healing and whatever.  Having 6 weeks off might be nice.. but what is he really going to do?  If you're worried about finding support for breastfeeding, I'm not sure how much your husband would be able to provide versus calling la leche folks (or online)?  Maybe he could bring baby to you in the middle of the night for feedings and you can nap during the day?  Like PP said, if he travels 65% of the time for work, you're going to need to adjust to caring for baby alone at some point.  Also... I'm really confused.  Did you tell him that your expectations were for him to take off 6 weeks and he decided that he wouldn't, or was this never discussed and you assumed since that's the max his job offers that he would take that?

    After all of that - you decided to have a baby and he "went along with it" to make you happy.. that's a huge red flag to me... if you are anti-baby to the point where you don't even look at a pg friends' status or something, and then decide you want to get KU... it's a *huge* decision, and perhaps it takes some adjustments?  Some people, when they say they never want children, really mean that they *NEVER* want children, and if you and your husband both felt this way before, maybe your feelings have changed but... erm... yeah.
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    Ok- so I have no prob not going on that trip if it isn't good for baby to be around others or in air that will be hot and dusty. <br><br>  Bliss+Berry  I need to get a pediatrician now?  Do I make an appointment even though it's not born to ask these types of questions to?  I'm guessing your reference was stating OB's don't know the best care for newborns compared to a pediatrician? 
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    You're lucky, my DH is only going to get 2 days. Two weeks will allow you to get a major handle on things. You'll be just fine. With my first, I did it alone. No spouse or anything and I did fine. You'll be great.
    Mine gets this as well.  Possibly one, depending on the timing of things.  You will be fine, tons of FTMs have no idea what they are doing, you learn as you go.  Don't let the books freak you out.
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    Thank u all for your posts. DH is the one who told me his work gives him paid 6 weeks which I then took to mean that was what the norm was. Then my coworkers (all 3 of them) said their DH helped out a lot even with family. Truthfully, what I realized reading the posts is all I think about is WHAT IF I SUCK AT BF?? I don't feel comfortable at all telling SIL/MIL... And my friends, we we've only know each other a year so I don't know that I'm at that level. Apparently, I view DH as my security blanket but really, what could he do physically to help that. Sigh. Overreaction for sure. Lastly, Vegas. We travel, a lot. DH's company supports families traveling on some of the trips since he's gone so much. No it wouldn't be partying or walking down the strip. It'd be more dirt tracks in the desert. The doc said I can travel at 4 weeks but no airplanes. Which we drive anyway. I'm confused on if there will be a routine by 2 weeks or so and all they do is eat, sleep, poop why traveling would be a problem? It's going to be at a fancy casino-free hotel so the most action it'd get is a lobby and sleeping by the pool or the grand stands. Is that too many ppl around it? The doc was pretty relaxed about it when I asked if I could travel that early (I didn't specifically say the destination) not mentioning anything about too many ppl. I've started reading another book that says kids adapt at a young age to travel and are pretty resilient to changes. Is this true STMs?

    Can't bold, but you said sleeping by the pool. More than likely at 4 weeks pp you want be able to be in the pool. Most women bleed for 4-6 weeks after giving birth and tampons are a no no while things heal. All my other heights have been covered by PPs, this is all I had to add.
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    Yes you should look at getting a pediatrician now :) my ob requires me to have one before week 25.
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    Thanks everybody! On it! 
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    Wow, 6 weeks for paternity leave?  I'd be stoked if DH got more than a full week off.  He only has one week of vacation, so that's it.  Maybe I'll get lucky and go into labor on a Friday night and he can have Saturday through the following Sunday off.  I should definitely write that down in my birth plan.
    *SIGGY*
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    Lots of great points already made but not sure I saw this one...even if you decide you are ok with the trip and even though you CAN do it at four weeks, I wouldn't necessarily expect it to be enjoyable at all so that too would be a reason not to consider it. Your baby will not really be ready for much exposure to heat and sun, let alone you as you recover. Your baby will need to sleep and eat every couple hours day and night, so you are kinda stuck with that routine. Even though infants are easy in some ways, all the crap you will have to bring puts a damper on the fun too. And trust me, I am not opposed to travelling with babies or kids; DS has probably been on probably 25+ flights at this point spread out over his 3.5 years.
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    allardrallardr member
    edited February 2014
    Thank u all for your posts. DH is the one who told me his work gives him paid 6 weeks which I then took to mean that was what the norm was. Then my coworkers (all 3 of them) said their DH helped out a lot even with family. Truthfully, what I realized reading the posts is all I think about is WHAT IF I SUCK AT BF?? I don't feel comfortable at all telling SIL/MIL... And my friends, we we've only know each other a year so I don't know that I'm at that level. Apparently, I view DH as my security blanket but really, what could he do physically to help that. Sigh. Overreaction for sure. Lastly, Vegas. We travel, a lot. DH's company supports families traveling on some of the trips since he's gone so much. No it wouldn't be partying or walking down the strip. It'd be more dirt tracks in the desert. The doc said I can travel at 4 weeks but no airplanes. Which we drive anyway. I'm confused on if there will be a routine by 2 weeks or so and all they do is eat, sleep, poop why traveling would be a problem? It's going to be at a fancy casino-free hotel so the most action it'd get is a lobby and sleeping by the pool or the grand stands. Is that too many ppl around it? The doc was pretty relaxed about it when I asked if I could travel that early (I didn't specifically say the destination) not mentioning anything about too many ppl. I've started reading another book that says kids adapt at a young age to travel and are pretty resilient to changes. Is this true STMs?
    I say people probably said no vegas not sure what your plans were. I think such a trip is fine. Like I said I traveled at 5 wks with DD. A drive over flight is good and as long as you know it'll be hotel mostly relaxing/napping/indoor pool & some good food, to me it sounds like a good way to get out and not get depressed. Just have the right expectations. Plus it seems if you're driving you could always back out last minute if you deliver late/ have c-section/ etc. and don't feel up for it.
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    Just my personal experience, I took an 8 hour car trip (I did zero driving) 4 weeks after my csection. We went to Sacramento for 4th of July. It really wasn't bad at all. I had a good time. Visited with family but I definitely took it easy! I relaxed, stayed hydrated and it was nice.

    With that said no way would I go to Vegas on a work trip with DH! You won't want to take the baby around and DH (I'm guessing) will need to be rested and focused which he couldn't do with you and the baby there. You would be sitting in the hotel room waiting for DH to come back. I would skip it and stay home where you're comfortable.

    Is your DHs 6 weeks vacation or strictly paternity leave? If it's paid vacation I would suggest him taking 2-3 weeks and saving the rest.
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    To the OP, to clarify, while other posters are entirely correct about LO not being on a schedule by 4 weeks, the biggest issue that your pediatrician would bring up is the lack of immunity.  Your baby is born with the most minimal of immune systems and much of the early protection is offered through antibodies given through breastfeeding.  It takes time for your baby to build up an immune system and this is why many peds will say things like avoiding public outings for 6 weeks.  I think it would really benefit you to check out some parenting books or at least something on what to expect during the first year so that you both feel more comfortable and can make more informed decisions.  
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    (Phone-bumping; crappy format). I think it is completely normal to be scared at being alone. I totally was and I also felt unprepared. And I was someone who always wanted kids, so trust me you aren't alone. Honestly, I'm intimidated at the thought of being alone with two kids. Eek! But I have faith it'll become my new normal just like when I had my DD. My husband stayed home for one week with my DD. That was just fine for us. I have family nearby but I didn't need them. She slept, nursed and pooped 24\7. And when she slept, I slept. I can see needing more paternity leave if you have a c/s. But otherwise, the extra 5 weeks would just be icing on the cake. I think you'll be surprised at how natural it feels once your LO is here. It'll be ok lady!
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