Family opinions and concerns regarding your TTC journey

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Hello friends. I have to talk about this because if I don't get it out, I may burst from my anger. I apologize for the length of the post, but if any of you have had a similar experience, I would absolutely appreciate any advice that you may have.

I do know that my situation is different in that I am one-half of a same-sex couple. However, I figured that this group is probably full of different situations (age, health, financial situation, size of family, etc.) and I would likely get some good advice.

When we decided, almost 2 years ago, that we wanted to try and start a family, we decided to keep it from our families. We didn't want the pressure or negativity that may come. Once we actually started to try, we realized that given my wife's profession (firefighter) and our lack of protection in our State, that telling limited family of our journey would be a a good idea. What if we were successful, but then something happened to my wife and no one in her family knew we were trying? Her family would instantly think the worst of me.

We started with telling my Mother, which went really well. She is absolutely over the moon. DW's Dad was also awesome. We then talked to DW's mother, whose response was absurd. She was cold and distant and frankly, she was rude about the fact that I was carrying and not DW. We told DW's sister and her response was okay, and then we moved on to my Dad. I was concerned with my Dad because he is so far up the Republican's a$$ and has made it clear he doesn't agree with gay marriage. His response was comical. He asked "why?", but it wasn't in a mean or judgy way. Overall, he said he was happy for us and it was our decision to make. He gave us both a hug and told us he loved us.

Sounds great right? So far, only DW's Mom is a total freak. Well, we then decided to tell DW's bible thumping brother. This is where the rage sets in for me. DW told her brother a few weeks ago, but they were interrupted and didn't really finish the conversation. Her brother came to our house last night to look at a juicer and we had no idea he had an ulterior motive. This is the same brother that had to have a lengthy conversation with my wife before we got married (add to that, two days before our wedding, the same kind of conversation with DW's mother and how she thinks we are going to hell.)

He started the conversation with asking the question "I guess I just need to know why you are choosing to have a child, instead of adopting a child." "Why would you bring a child into the world with no genetic ties to you (DW)" My wife was livid, but she kept her composure and asked him "Well, why did you decide to have two children with your wife?" His response: "Because I wanted a family. But, if we weren't able to get pregnant, we would not have sought out any other measures such as IVF."

At this point, I am enraged and the more I repeat the TWO HOUR conversation in my head, the more my blood boils. The conversation was centered around HIS beliefs and how this puts HIM in a tough spot because if his kids ask him if it is "okay" for two women to have a baby, he is torn on what to say. On one hand, if his kids see someone at school with two parents, he will gladly tell them that it is "wrong", but if his kids ask about us having a kid, he doesn't know what to say. He wanted us to give him props for not just telling his kids "no" because he "loves his sister."

Things said by him in this conversation (no, I'm not kidding):

* You physically can't make a baby, so God did not intend for you to have a baby. We immediately rebutted this with hypotheticals about straight couples with fertility issues.

* You need a penis and vagina to make a baby. You don't have both, so you should not have a baby.

* I would back you 100% if you were adopting. (This completely contradicted his issue with the fact that we were choosing to have a child with none of my wife's DNA)

* A child NEEDS a mother and a father. I believe the problem with the children in today's world is that they don't have a solid foundation with a Mother and a Father. (Again, rebutted by us. I reminded him of the mother and father that jointly killed their child in the same city where he lives. I also reminded him that my brothers and I were raised by the same Mother and Father (who are still married), yet I am the only one with an education and both brothers have multiple children from multiple women.) Also, apparently, a single Mother or Father is not good enough. You know, like the way our President was raised...

* I don't believe that anyone should take extra measures (such as IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm) if they are unable to get pregnant on their own. They should just adopt. (I couldn't even speak after this statement.)

The conversation was all about him and how this is difficult for him. Apparently, the fact that we are still unsuccessful and going through the emotional turmoil that is TTC, well, that is nothing compared to his internal struggle with the fact that he doesn't know if it is right for us to be together or not.

We are good enough to throw his kids a party. We are good enough to take them and spoil them for a weekend. We are good enough to attend all of their events. We are good enough to share holidays with them. He wouldn't allow his kids to come to our wedding ceremony, but allowed them at the reception. Oh, and at his Father'sthird wedding...that was okay. Apparently, though, the fact that we want our ownfamily is just making his life more difficult.

I'm sick with anger right now and although I don't think we are pregnant this cycle, I do know that the stress is not healthy either way.

I let my DW know that if anyone else in her family wants to have a similar conversation, I will not entertain it. I will not be there. I will not justify my PERSONAL choice for wanting to have a family. She is just as angry and had a very difficult time keeping her anger and frustration under control while he was here. For two hours.

Have any of you experienced anything similar? If so, how do you deal with the anger and frustration that comes with it?

Liss1481 · February 2014

I don't really have any advice but I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with this type of attitude. What a jerk!

augusta17 · February 2014

I understand your anger!! First of all there a ton of people who can't have biological children. What about them? They shouldn't take extra measures/adopt? Families aren't about HOW they were formed it's about the people and love that form them. You and your DW love each other and want a child to love too. And that is YOUR business. Also, I never had a father. Or any male figure in my life for that matter and I turned out to be fabulous. $:\$ "> . He needs to worry about his own life. He should be happy that his sister is happy. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm sure he will come around. Just remember that it's not his opinion at will make you happy at the end of the day. It's your wife, your future LO, your FAMILY! Stay strong. Edit: I can't do words today

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Thank you so much for the supportive comments. During the conversation, I was able to maintain my composure, but the more I think of the conversation, the more my blood just boils.

Pintobean39 · February 2014

I'm angry just reading that. No advise either. He sounds like a total ass. I'm sorry!

NerdyLucy · February 2014

GoaliesWife123 said:

She is just as angry and had a very difficult time keeping her anger and frustration under control while he was here. For two hours.

If it comes up again, I would probably just say, "Then I guess it's a good thing this is OUR decision for OUR family, and not yours." I'm afraid that engaging with him just fuels his fire.

I'm sorry that this is happening. People can suck.

TowerClimbersWife · February 2014

So sorry you have to deal with this! There is nothing worse than someone trying to shove you into their box of "right."

I will say I am Christian and I do not share any of this jerk's views. I find people who argue from a faith base that does not use common sense and kindness the most absurd person to talk with. Everyone will have their own beliefs, and I guess that is okay, but it is not okay to barrage and force someone to see their view.

Keep strong and understand that you do not need his approval for you to be happy and for you to go on with your lives. It hurts not to have it, but it isn't required!

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Alpresson said: I understand your anger!! First of all there a ton of people who can't have biological children. What about them? They shouldn't take extra measures/adopt? Families aren't about HOW they were formed it's about the people and love that form them. You and your DW love each other and want a child to love too. And that is YOUR business. Also, I never had a father. Or any male figure in my life for that matter and I turned out to be fabulous. $:\$ "> . He needs to worry about his own life. He should be happy that his sister is happy. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm sure he will come around. Just remember that it's not his opinion at will make you happy at the end of the day. It's your wife, your future LO, your FAMILY! Stay strong. Edit: I can't do words today I agree! Just because a kid has a mom and dad does not mean that they are getting the best life.
There are so many different family dynamics out there, and so many of those produce amazing human beings. I'm just shocked at his comments, but not shocked.

What is funny to me is that he hasn't had a conversation with his little brother. His little brother got a chick pregnant before they were married, he then married her just because she was pregnant and proceeded to have another child they couldn't afford. Oh, did I mention that she already had FIVE children?

But he had a mother and a father....so....

Thank you for your comments!! I'm certain you are fabulous!

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Sorry for the quote fail above...

You are all wonderful. Thank you for your kind words!

MrsG713 · February 2014

I don't have anything that would help you out because I haven't shared TTC with our family, but I do want to say we're here for you.

What an unbelievable thing to have to go through. You should never ever have to justify your own family & personal decisions to someone else, even if they fall under that same category of family.

It was wrong of him to even say anything at all to you because it sounds like you open up your lives to them and treat them with kindness and respect. They are lucky to have you in their life! You don't try to give them advice or pass judgment on them, as he is doing to you.

I'm angry for you.

I'm sorry.

augusta17 · February 2014

Alpresson said: I understand your anger!! First of all there a ton of people who can't have biological children. What about them? They shouldn't take extra measures/adopt? Families aren't about HOW they were formed it's about the people and love that form them. You and your DW love each other and want a child to love too. And that is YOUR business. Also, I never had a father. Or any male figure in my life for that matter and I turned out to be fabulous. $:\$ "> . He needs to worry about his own life. He should be happy that his sister is happy. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm sure he will come around. Just remember that it's not his opinion at will make you happy at the end of the day. It's your wife, your future LO, your FAMILY! Stay strong. Edit: I can't do words today

I agree! Just because a kid has a mom and dad does not mean that they are getting the best life.

There are so many different family dynamics out there, and so many of those produce amazing human beings. I'm just shocked at his comments, but not shocked.

What is funny to me is that he hasn't had a conversation with his little brother. His little brother got a chick pregnant before they were married, he then married her just because she was pregnant and proceeded to have another child they couldn't afford. Oh, did I mention that she already had FIVE children?

But he had a mother and a father....so....

Thank you for your comments!! I'm certain you are fabulous!

Nice. Really nice. It's fine to encourage the mass production of children you can't handle right? He sounds like a little shit head asshat (sorry). Next time he gets his mouth running just picture all of us cheering you on! :x and thank you

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

@Alpresson I will do just that! I will absolutely remember those who are in our corner. Thank you!

MrsP924 · February 2014

I don't have much input but I am so sorry your dealing with this. It's not right at all! I hope it all gets better for you!

Milagros315 · February 2014

I'm so sorry that he is treating you guys this way. You don't deserve and it especially sucks that it's coming from family. I don't really have any good advice. I would be enraged too and it would be hard to let go of the anger at the things he said. I would probably leave him out of any future conversations regarding this topic. If he tries to bring it up to you, just walk away. He doesn't deserve your time or respect. I know that's easier said than done especially when he's sneak attacking you at your own house.

I can sort of relate to the comments about adoption and IVF. People ("religious" people, in my experience) often feel that way about straight couples as well. The whole 'if God wanted you have children, he would have given them to you' bit. And 'it's wrong to try so hard to have kids when there are so many children already in need of homes'. It's also usually people who have their own children. But you know, since they're clearly people of such wonderful character, God needed them to pass on their stellar genetics. That's why they didn't adopt. All I have to say about that is fuck them.

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

mrsmechanic1 said:

Oh, this makes me so pissed off! I can't believe you were that kind to him. I would have told him to get the fuck out, and that our child wouldn't be around his family because you don't know how to respond if he decides to be a dickwad to your family. The street goes both ways, my friend! It's fine to have different beliefs, it's not fine to be an asshole about it. I would just tell him that until he can be a kind and supportive person not to bother you.

I couldn't believe that my wife maintained her calm for the conversation. She had no problem calling him out on anything she didn't agree with, but I do wish that one of us just flat out told him that his opinion does not matter. We are too nice at times, but this will not happen again.

Like I said, if another member of her family comes to us and wants to have this discussion (believe me, it will happen), I will not be involved.

JocelynB0911 · February 2014

**lurker here**

A few members of my family flipped out on me when we told them we were expecting our first child. Dh is white, I am black (mother is biracial and dad is black) and these family members never accepted that I didn't marry a "strong black man" and our children are going to hell. Yes, you read that right.

We had to cut them out for a little while. Their energy was toxic and the ground they based their opinions on was unfounded. They had zero issue with my mother, aunt and uncles coming from a white mother and black father but said that because I have an education I should "know better".

We tried letting them back in our lives slowly and received a few apologies but there is one that still treats all of us like crap.

I know that's it's your DW's brother and I don't know how close they are but I found it best to keep ttc and pregnancy talk to a minimum and let them come around when they were ready to accept things. We still sent birth announcements, Christmas cards, etc for all of our children but don't expect much in return.

lovesmonkey · February 2014

I am sorry you are dealing with so much hatred and judgment towards you. As a Christian this makes me angry. I have a cousin in a same sex relationship and have watched how different family has responded to them. They now have 2 adorable and well behaved children. I will suggest to you what I saw in them-cling tight to one another and the dreams you have, refuse to subject yourselves to these arguments as they really aren't about you,and surround yourselves with love and support. My last suggestion comes in play after the baby is here-decide now what you are going to do if a family member is unwilling to love your child or says hateful things in front of him/her. Unfortunately, this happened in my cousin's case and they hadn't discussed a response beforehand. You will get through this!

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

JocelynB0911 said:

**lurker here** A few members of my family flipped out on me when we told them we were expecting our first child. Dh is white, I am black (mother is biracial and dad is black) and these family members never accepted that I didn't marry a "strong black man" and our children are going to hell. Yes, you read that right. We had to cut them out for a little while. Their energy was toxic and the ground they based their opinions on was unfounded. They had zero issue with my mother, aunt and uncles coming from a white mother and black father but said that because I have an education I should "know better". We tried letting them back in our lives slowly and received a few apologies but there is one that still treats all of us like crap. I know that's it's your DW's brother and I don't know how close they are but I found it best to keep ttc and pregnancy talk to a minimum and let them come around when they were ready to accept things. We still sent birth announcements, Christmas cards, etc for all of our children but don't expect much in return.

You have got to be kidding me. What era do they live in? I bet they are upset with the Cheerios commercials, too? Ridiculous. It amazes me how some people can be so hateful and yet spew religion as the reason.

Oh, did I mention that DW and her siblings have FIVE aunts who are lesbian? Out of 7 kids, 5 were gay. Her brother stated last night that they are all wonderful, but if they decide to get married or have kids it would be the same issue. Because he thinks it is wrong. Because there is no clear guidance on the issue and the "Holy Spirit" hasn't answered his question.

I'm not kidding.

I think cutting him out for a while is definitely a good idea. We aren't even pregnant at this point and this is an issue. I can't imagine what will happen when we are successful (hopefully!). I do know that stress needs to be at a minimum for all stages of TTC and this is not helping.

katie0919 · February 2014

Grrr, this post makes my blood boil for you and your DW. This is what especially pisses me off:

* A child NEEDS a mother and a father. I believe the problem with the children in today's world is that they don't have a solid foundation with a Mother and a Father. (Again, rebutted by us. I reminded him of the mother and father that jointly killed their child in the same city where he lives. I also reminded him that my brothers and I were raised by the same Mother and Father (who are still married), yet I am the only one with an education and both brothers have multiple children from multiple women.) Also, apparently, a single Mother or Father is not good enough. You know, like the way our President was raised...

What a child NEEDS is loving parents who would do anything for them. It has nothing to do with "mother and father". This guy sounds ignorant. And unable to imagine anyone thinking or feeling any other way than him, I cannot stand people that think they are right, no matter what.

Blah, I'm rambling....just want to give you a big virtual hug (and also to tell you to forget about him - you two go live your life the way you want to live it!)

:x

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

linville2012 said:

I am sorry you are dealing with so much hatred and judgment towards you. As a Christian this makes me angry. I have a cousin in a same sex relationship and have watched how different family has responded to them. They now have 2 adorable and well behaved children. I will suggest to you what I saw in them-cling tight to one another and the dreams you have, refuse to subject yourselves to these arguments as they really aren't about you,and surround yourselves with love and support. My last suggestion comes in play after the baby is here-decide now what you are going to do if a family member is unwilling to love your child or says hateful things in front of him/her. Unfortunately, this happened in my cousin's case and they hadn't discussed a response beforehand. You will get through this!

That is such a good point. If/when we are pregnant, it will definitely be something to talk about. Even though my wife loves her family, she will absolutely cut them out if they are cruel or disrespectful. She has no problem putting that on them and be at peace with her decision. I'm fortunate to have such a wonderful spouse!

I'm so sorry for your cousin having to deal with that, but for them, I thank you for being such a wonderful support. You truly have no idea how wonderful it is to have someone have your back!

JocelynB0911 · February 2014

GoaliesWife123 said:

JocelynB0911 said:

**lurker here**

A few members of my family flipped out on me when we told them we were expecting our first child. Dh is white, I am black (mother is biracial and dad is black) and these family members never accepted that I didn't marry a "strong black man" and our children are going to hell. Yes, you read that right.

We had to cut them out for a little while. Their energy was toxic and the ground they based their opinions on was unfounded. They had zero issue with my mother, aunt and uncles coming from a white mother and black father but said that because I have an education I should "know better".

We tried letting them back in our lives slowly and received a few apologies but there is one that still treats all of us like crap.

I know that's it's your DW's brother and I don't know how close they are but I found it best to keep ttc and pregnancy talk to a minimum and let them come around when they were ready to accept things. We still sent birth announcements, Christmas cards, etc for all of our children but don't expect much in return.

You have got to be kidding me. What era do they live in? I bet they are upset with the Cheerios commercials, too? Ridiculous. It amazes me how some people can be so hateful and yet spew religion as the reason.

Oh, did I mention that DW and her siblings have FIVE aunts who are lesbian? Out of 7 kids, 5 were gay. Her brother stated last night that they are all wonderful, but if they decide to get married or have kids it would be the same issue. Because he thinks it is wrong. Because there is no clear guidance on the issue and the "Holy Spirit" hasn't answered his question.

I'm not kidding.

I think cutting him out for a while is definitely a good idea. We aren't even pregnant at this point and this is an issue. I can't imagine what will happen when we are successful (hopefully!). I do know that stress needs to be at a minimum for all stages of TTC and this is not
helping.

---fuck you quote box---

Yea. I went into ptl with our second due to stress from these assholes. Take a break from him and let him back in when all of you are ready. Most of my family haven't met our twins yet and they're almost 6 months old. I figured we'd get more negative responses from my husbands family and friends. We live in a very small (and this is where he grew up) farming town and have had no vocal issues.

Sewfie · February 2014

What a total douchecanoe! It is amazing the level of cognitive dissonance he seems to be able to withstand.

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

JocelynB0911 said:

JocelynB0911 said:

**lurker here** A few members of my family flipped out on me when we told them we were expecting our first child. Dh is white, I am black (mother is biracial and dad is black) and these family members never accepted that I didn't marry a "strong black man" and our children are going to hell. Yes, you read that right. We had to cut them out for a little while. Their energy was toxic and the ground they based their opinions on was unfounded. They had zero issue with my mother, aunt and uncles coming from a white mother and black father but said that because I have an education I should "know better". We tried letting them back in our lives slowly and received a few apologies but there is one that still treats all of us like crap. I know that's it's your DW's brother and I don't know how close they are but I found it best to keep ttc and pregnancy talk to a minimum and let them come around when they were ready to accept things. We still sent birth announcements, Christmas cards, etc for all of our children but don't expect much in return.

You have got to be kidding me. What era do they live in? I bet they are upset with the Cheerios commercials, too? Ridiculous. It amazes me how some people can be so hateful and yet spew religion as the reason.

Oh, did I mention that DW and her siblings have FIVE aunts who are lesbian? Out of 7 kids, 5 were gay. Her brother stated last night that they are all wonderful, but if they decide to get married or have kids it would be the same issue. Because he thinks it is wrong. Because there is no clear guidance on the issue and the "Holy Spirit" hasn't answered his question.

I'm not kidding.

I think cutting him out for a while is definitely a good idea. We aren't even pregnant at this point and this is an issue. I can't imagine what will happen when we are successful (hopefully!). I do know that stress needs to be at a minimum for all stages of TTC and this is not helping.
---fuck you quote box--- Yea. I went into ptl with our second due to stress from these assholes. Take a break from him and let him back in when all of you are ready. Most of my family haven't met our twins yet and they're almost 6 months old. I figured we'd get more negative responses from my husbands family and friends. We live in a very small (and this is where he grew up) farming town and have had no vocal issues.

I'm so sorry to hear you went into ptl because of this. Wow. Shame on them! I bet your kids are absolutely perfect!

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Sewfie said:

What a total douchecanoe! It is amazing the level of cognitive dissonance he seems to be able to withstand.

Lol @ douchecanoe! That is the perfect word to describe him!

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

mrsmechanic1 said:

GoaliesWife123 said:

Snip
...

I think cutting him out for a while is definitely a good idea. We aren't even pregnant at this point and this is an issue. I can't imagine what will happen when we are successful (hopefully!). I do know that stress needs to be at a minimum for all stages of TTC and this is not helping.

This, this, this! You don't need that bullshit in your life. Yes, they're family, but if they don't support and love you the way family should, and they cause more harm than good, good riddance. Being "family" doesn't override their damaging ways. You should never have to deal with it.

You're right, and I plan on sticking to my guns on this one!

ngolimento · February 2014

I am so so sorry your family is being so insensitive and aweful to you (((hugs))).

I have awful awful inlaws, and understand 100% the kind of rage their selfishness causes. This Xmas I couldn't eat for two days because my inlaws were bitching us out for more expensive xmas gifts when we didn't know where our food was going to come from next. I hate them, so so much.

JocelynB0911 · February 2014

GoaliesWife123 said:

JocelynB0911 said:

GoaliesWife123 said:

JocelynB0911 said:

**lurker here**

A few members of my family flipped out on me when we told them we were expecting our first child. Dh is white, I am black (mother is biracial and dad is black) and these family members never accepted that I didn't marry a "strong black man" and our children are going to hell. Yes, you read that right.

We had to cut them out for a little while. Their energy was toxic and the ground they based their opinions on was unfounded. They had zero issue with my mother, aunt and uncles coming from a white mother and black father but said that because I have an education I should "know better".

We tried letting them back in our lives slowly and received a few apologies but there is one that still treats all of us like crap.

I know that's it's your DW's brother and I don't know how close they are but I found it best to keep ttc and pregnancy talk to a minimum and let them come around when they were ready to accept things. We still sent birth announcements, Christmas cards, etc for all of our children but don't expect much in return.

You have got to be kidding me. What era do they live in? I bet they are upset with the Cheerios commercials, too? Ridiculous. It amazes me how some people can be so hateful and yet spew religion as the reason.

Oh, did I mention that DW and her siblings have FIVE aunts who are lesbian? Out of 7 kids, 5 were gay. Her brother stated last night that they are all wonderful, but if they decide to get married or have kids it would be the same issue. Because he thinks it is wrong. Because there is no clear guidance on the issue and the "Holy Spirit" hasn't answered his question.

I'm not kidding.

I think cutting him out for a while is definitely a good idea. We aren't even pregnant at this point and this is an issue. I can't imagine what will happen when we are successful (hopefully!). I do know that stress needs to be at a minimum for all stages of TTC and this is not
helping.
---fuck you quote box---

Yea. I went into ptl with our second due to stress from these assholes. Take a break from him and let him back in when all of you are ready. Most of my family haven't met our twins yet and they're almost 6 months old. I figured we'd get more negative responses from my husbands family and friends. We live in a very small (and this is where he grew up) farming town and have had no vocal issues.

I'm so sorry to hear you went into ptl because of this. Wow. Shame on them! I bet your kids are absolutely perfect!

They are. It makes me want to AW them but I won't. I'm sure your baby(ies) will be perfectly perfect and this will be a small blip in time.

meld42 · February 2014

I am so sorry for your situation. It makes me so upset that people use their religion to spread hatred. I haven't gone through this specifically, but I have dealt with toxic family members. And as others have mentioned, sometimes cutting the toxicity out for now is the best option. You and your wife do not need that negative energy, and I imagine you don't want you children around that either. Cutting family out isn't easy, but he seems to be struggling with his opinion and he might grow from this in a more accepting direction. From what you said, he knows he loves his sister and is struggling telling his children that same sex couples with Kids is wrong. I think he could be challenging his previous views.. Hopefully!

I really wish I could make this better! I do not tolerate hateful feelings like that, and I can't imagine how hard it is to take hate from the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally!

Edit: pressed submit too soon!

jlbeanza · February 2014

You've already gotten great advice, but I just want to chime in that you and your wife are absolutely amazing for not losing it on this idiot, even if he is family. If anything, your ability to be patient and reasonable in this situation point to the fact that you will be wonderful, open-minded, and ADULT parents. I hope at some point he realizes how offensive and small-minded he was and is to you. Serious kudos to you, and lots of support. Hang in there!

tlc35 · February 2014

What a bigot! I don't have any advice but I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

mockingjay1 · February 2014

WTF is wrong with people?? I didn't even have to sit through two hours of his bullshit, and I'm mad for you! He sounds extremely selfish. All he cares about is what he would do, how this reflects on him, what he should tell his kids, etc. I will never understand how people can be so close minded. I agree with PPs, a child needs love. As long as a person(s) is meeting their child's needs who cares what race, sex, religion they are?

I don't have much to offer, but I wanted to wish you luck dealing with this situation.

wishiwaspreggo · February 2014

Wow. Your DW's brother has a LOT of nerve. Are she and her brother close? He's obviously really upset about this - not that he has any right to be because it is not by any means his choice. But it's probably been painful for your wife too, I imagine.

I have cousins who are like this. They don't have the balls to confront me (and if they decided to grow a pair and try to tell me what to do I'd rip them off anyway). Dealing with disapproval sucks. It sounds like he'd disapprove of *anyone* undergoing IVF or any other kind of infertility treatment, straight or gay. Which really, really sucks.

He needs a healthy dose of compassion.

I have a plan on what I'd do if my cousins tried to push their holy-roller beliefs on me. My plan was to set up a gofundme.com account for donations to the Human Rights Campaign in their name and ask my friends to donate - and of course, contribute money myself. That way they'd be on their mailing list and will get promotional materials. Once you're a donor you're on their radar, especially if you can drum up a few hundred bucks. Trying to decide if I'd want to be a real bitch and have the materials sent to his church where he works - fucking asshole. I won't get ahead of myself because he hasn't done anything yet but it's on my mind.

Anyway, I'm furious for you and your DW. That really sucks. I hope he eventually minds his own damned business and leaves you two be!!! ((((HUGS))))

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

SassyMommaC said:

Wow... just wow. I'm so sorry you had to listen to that garbage. What's wrong with just being happy for people? Tell him to piss off, be supportive, or stay out of your future baby's life. Hes full of contradictions and asshat comments. Oh man! Your wife must be feeling miserable to hear that dribble come from her brother. I feel awful for you both! I've never had the problems that you're having, or even close. My problem is that DH and I want a large family, as in 6 kids. My family thinks it's awesome and wonderful. DH's family laughs and says, "You won't have 6 kids. Why would anyone want that? And you get so violently ill while you're pregnant, you'll never make it through 6." Insert massive eye roll here. Thanks for telling us what we want out of life, folks.

I guess I missed the memo that says that it is anyone else's business how many kids you want. Shameful! I'm so happy to hear that your family is at least supportive!

janda426 · February 2014

People like him give Christians a bad name. I'm sorry you're related to someone so hateful and narrow minded. All that hate and ignorance he's filled with must be such a burden. My advice would be to not let him walk through your door again, or stick his hand in the juicer he came to look at

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

Thank you again, everyone. We tried to inform him that sheltering his kids (this made him angry, because he says he isn't sheltering), is not going to prevent them from being exposed to people who are gay, black, Jewish, single, etc. He just doesn't get it.

He said that if his daughter came to him and told him that she wanted to marry her best girl friend, he would tell her that it isn't right and he believes she needs to marry a man. I was very quick to inform him that nothing he says will change her. If she is gay, she is already gay. I also reminded him of the many victims of hate crimes or hatred in general that don't come out to their families; leave the moment that they are allowed and never go home; or God forbid, end their lives because there is no other way.

Like I said, he expected props for coming over and having this discussion. That's not going to happen.

Thank you again, for all of the support!!

LuckyPenny1231 · February 2014

Ugh! He is a complete jerk and has no valid points. (But you already knew that!) I have no advice, but I want to wish you good luck! I would probably distance myself from him for awhile.

wishiwaspreggo · February 2014

GoaliesWife123 said:

Thank you again, everyone. We tried to inform him that sheltering his kids (this made him angry, because he says he isn't sheltering), is not going to prevent them from being exposed to people who are gay, black, Jewish, single, etc. He just doesn't get it.

He said that if his daughter came to him and told him that she wanted to marry her best girl friend, he would tell her that it isn't right and he believes she needs to marry a man. I was very quick to inform him that nothing he says will change her. If she is gay, she is already gay. I also reminded him of the many victims of hate crimes or hatred in general that don't come out to their families; leave the moment that they are allowed and never go home; or God forbid, end their lives because there is no other way.

Like I said, he expected props for coming over and having this discussion. That's not going to happen.

Thank you again, for all of the support!!

My favorite thing to say to the bigots in my life who are worried about their kids "choosing" to be gay:

If you kick your kid out, he/she will always have a bed and a meal at my house.

It sickens me to think of kicking your kid out for any reason, especially one your kid literally can't control. Fuck those people.

LostFan716 · February 2014

Wow OP.

I can't even begin to pretend I've ever had to deal with any judgment to that level from my ILs. Your anger is 150% warranted.

But I will tell you the advice I've been given when I've vented to people about the (much less offensive) judgments from ILs over my life choices (which DH backs 100%).

First of all, f*ck them.

Secondly, I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to find ways to destress, let the anger go, and not give two sh*ts what they think.

As long as DW is 100% on board, then you two need to do what is best for you. And family will have to learn to be on board. If they can't, then the family relationship is their loss, not yours.

GoaliesWife123 · February 2014

NariaDreaming said:

I'm so sorry. I'm not gay myself, but my best friend and her partner are currently fostering three children through the state children's services. She's dealt with so much of the "a child needs a mother and a father" crap from her conservative friends and family.

Her standard response:

"The kids I'm fostering had a mother and father, and look how that worked out for them... clearly having a male and a female raising you doesn't mean shit"

I've had to deal with my fair share of ignorant bullshit about my infertility, and the "why don't you just adopt" responses to us considering IVF or IVF with donor embryos.

No one, especially someone dealing with infertility, should ever be told that they should choose adoption. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the insensitivity of assholes.

Also, I love your friend's response!

nikiz628 · February 2014

((hugs)) This totally infuriates me and it has nothing to do with me. I am sorry you are going through all this. It's completely inappropriate of him to push this on you both. It's YOUR life. He needs to accept that. He can choose to be a part of it or not, but he can't tell you how to live your life. I hope things get better for you!!

mmb248 · February 2014

Seriously, I'd love to shake him for you. Actually, I'd like to sit down with him and dismantle his argument piece by piece using scripture - just like I did with my uncle! Some Christians can't grasp that whole "only God can judge" part of the Bible which is a real shame considering it's basically the #2 point of the whole book.

My granddad's preacher recently had a sermon that said IVF/IUI was wrong because it wasn't natural and children are a gift from God, not a scientist's laboratory. My granddad agreed with him, so he and I had a heart to heart where I reminded him that he was only alive because of a pacemaker that was manufactured on an assembly line in Mexico. If that wasn't unnatural neither were babies made from all the same parts just assembled in a slightly different way. He's totally okay with IVF now.

I think it's interesting that he would be okay with adoption, but he's not okay with a baby that is genetically linked to you and not his sister. Would the opinion change if you were using her eggs? I bet DW's mom would be more okay with that. Seems like she's pretty upset about a future child not being genetically linked to her and she's probably been complaining to DW's brother because she knows that's a sympathetic ear for any of her issues with y'all.

Want a personalized experience?

Family opinions and concerns regarding your TTC journey

Re: Family opinions and concerns regarding your TTC journey

Choose Another Board

Search Boards