Really upset

curlylocks3 · January 2014

Mizoo said:

The way I kind of look at it is that regardless of whether the baby was wanted or not - she's pregnant now and needs support. And it is her decision whether or not to keep the baby. So I would not express your opinion on that matter to her, you'll only alienate your relationship.

I see this as a really good way for you to be a positive role model for your niece! My best advice might sound a bit harsh - but you really need to strap on your big girl panties and deal with this anger you seem to have toward her. She's a teen who made a tough choice, and will have to face the consequences, but she's not a criminal.

For what it's worth, lots of my classmates had kids in high school. I don't keep in touch with most of them, but those that I do still talk to have children that are loved just the same as children had by adults in a marriage. The support of the family makes all the difference in the world!

ETA: I would also decline a joint shower if I were you. I wouldn't want a joint shower with anyone!

I wish I could say what I'm thinking as well as @Mizoo did. You can- and will- alienate your niece by telling her you disapprove of her decision.
Joint showers do not work for everyone or every situation, but I agree with whoever said that if you decline the joint shower, be prepared to accept that you might not have a shower at all from that side of the family. Not every family can afford to host two showers, that close together, for the essentially the same guests.

lellymine · January 2014

Kinipela7 said:
Decline the shower. I think it's weird to have joint showers, regardless of the situation but maybe that's just me.

I do not understand most of the rest of your post though. Not all teen moms are train wrecks. Sometimes all it takes it for that baby to come into their life to get their stuff together. Just because they are immature now doesn't mean they always will be. Give them a chance. Also, just because she is young doesn't mean she does not deserve a shower. I'm not saying her choices are smart by any means, but I think it is unfair for you to have some much hate against her because she is pregnant at 16.

Hate is a pretty strong word. My feelings are not solely because she's 16. There are lots of teen moms that step up and become great moms. In my last post about her I explained how manipulative and lost she is. Earlier this summer she filed a police report saying her step father raped her. A big investigation happened and it only stopped because the police caught her in a lie and she admitted she made it up because she thought she'd be removed from the home and she could go live with her boyfriend. So her next plan was to get pregnant so her mom had no choice but to let her live with him. She's still smoking and drinking. Her boyfriend won't get a job. He dropped out of school years ago and she's planning to follow suite. None of those choices show any maturity or the ability to raise a baby but I sincerely hope they prove me wrong.

curlylocks3 · January 2014

lellymine said:

Decline the shower. I think it's weird to have joint showers, regardless of the situation but maybe that's just me.

I do not understand most of the rest of your post though. Not all teen moms are train wrecks. Sometimes all it takes it for that baby to come into their life to get their stuff together. Just because they are immature now doesn't mean they always will be. Give them a chance. Also, just because she is young doesn't mean she does not deserve a shower. I'm not saying her choices are smart by any means, but I think it is unfair for you to have some much hate against her because she is pregnant at 16.
Hate is a pretty strong word. My feelings are not solely because she's 16. There are lots of teen moms that step up and become great moms. In my last post about her I explained how manipulative and lost she is. Earlier this summer she filed a police report saying her step father raped her. A big investigation happened and it only stopped because the police caught her in a lie and she admitted she made it up because she thought she'd be removed from the home and she could go live with her boyfriend. So her next plan was to get pregnant so her mom had no choice but to let her live with him. She's still smoking and drinking. Her boyfriend won't get a job. He dropped out of school years ago and she's planning to follow suite. None of those choices show any maturity or the ability to raise a baby but I sincerely hope they prove me wrong.

She has a lot going on in her life. The average teenager doesn't act like this....so perhaps consider what led to this behavior. And think about the fact that whatever led to her acting like this means she needs support more than the average pregnant person right now.

lellymine · January 2014

I think everyone is right about taking some time away from the situation and her. I can freely admit I am mad that it was so hard for us and so easy for her but I also know our fertility problems aren't her fault. It's still just really raw of an emotion.

It bums me out that my post came across as putting young moms down. I think there are a lot of really good moms that got pregnant as teens. My niece's mom was a teen mom and I think she's a fantastic mother. My frustration is exclusively with my niece getting pregnant so young. She's very immature and self centered and I'm concerned not just for her future but for her baby's because I don't see her stepping up.

I also agree that being there for her would be good and I genuinely hope that after the shock of it all wears off I can be. Thanks for all the good feedback and support!!

amackattack · January 2014

I agree with a lot of the others on here that if you don't want a joint shower, decline. It's good that at least you will have one shower that will be the way you want it... and from what it sounds like it's a pretty big shower! However, I don't understand why you think she shouldn't get a shower? Yes, it sounds like she has made some very bad decisions and is immature, and while I don't think the family should totally pretend she hasn't made any missteps, I also don't think they should refuse to offer her any support and throw her a shower so she can get what she needs to take care of an infant? There has to be some middle ground.

It sounds like you're really angry and worried that her situation is taking some of the attention from your situation. Although it stinks that they offered you a joint shower, try to focus on you not her! Her news doesn't need to detract in any way from yours or your family's excitement for your baby. Try to continue being happy for yourself, and let her make her own decisions. You've tried to help her before, she knows that, and she will surely come to you if she decides to take your advice.

Also, are you indicating that she has been drinking and smoking while pregnant?

lellymine · January 2014

talon1226 said:

lellymine said:

Kinipela7 said:
Decline the shower. I think it's weird to have joint showers, regardless of the situation but maybe that's just me.

I do not understand most of the rest of your post though. Not all teen moms are train wrecks. Sometimes all it takes it for that baby to come into their life to get their stuff together. Just because they are immature now doesn't mean they always will be. Give them a chance. Also, just because she is young doesn't mean she does not deserve a shower. I'm not saying her choices are smart by any means, but I think it is unfair for you to have some much hate against her because she is pregnant at 16.
Hate is a pretty strong word. My feelings are not solely because she's 16. There are lots of teen moms that step up and become great moms. In my last post about her I explained how manipulative and lost she is. Earlier this summer she filed a police report saying her step father raped her. A big investigation happened and it only stopped because the police caught her in a lie and she admitted she made it up because she thought she'd be removed from the home and she could go live with her boyfriend. So her next plan was to get pregnant so her mom had no choice but to let her live with him. She's still smoking and drinking. Her boyfriend won't get a job. He dropped out of school years ago and she's planning to follow suite. None of those choices show any maturity or the ability to raise a baby but I sincerely hope they prove me wrong.

She's still a child and it sounds like she's dealing with some emotional issues. She needs counseling and support from her family. I have worked with troubled teens in the past and it's sadly common to see them intentionally get pregnant so they have can a cute baby who will love them so much. It sounds like she doesn't have the emotional maturity to recognize why that was a horrible idea but it doesn't change the fact that she's pregnant and is going to need support.

The only good thing that came out of the investigation is she's been mandated to have a case worker and counseling. So I'm hoping she'll keep going and get some guidance.

jshrop · January 2014

It sounds like your niece has a lot of issues, not just being a teenage parent.

lellymine · January 2014

Lcgroenewe said:
I agree with a lot of the others on here that if you don't want a joint shower, decline. It's good that at least you will have one shower that will be the way you want it... and from what it sounds like it's a pretty big shower! However, I don't understand why you think she shouldn't get a shower? Yes, it sounds like she has made some very bad decisions and is immature, and while I don't think the family should totally pretend she hasn't made any missteps, I also don't think they should refuse to offer her any support and throw her a shower so she can get what she needs to take care of an infant? There has to be some middle ground.

It sounds like you're really angry and worried that her situation is taking some of the attention from your situation. Although it stinks that they offered you a joint shower, try to focus on you not her! Her news doesn't need to detract in any way from yours or your family's excitement for your baby. Try to continue being happy for yourself, and let her make her own decisions. You've tried to help her before, she knows that, and she will surely come to you if she decides to take your advice.

Also, are you indicating that she has been drinking and smoking while pregnant?

The shower comment isn't because I feel she doesn't deserve it. Our whole family feels like it'd be in her and the baby's best interest to give it up for adoption. They've all told her that, except for me because I'm the only person she hasn't talked to about it yet. Her mom told me because my niece said she didn't know how to tell me. So I think giving her showers will make it harder to consider giving it up when she sees all the presents and just the fun parts of having a baby.

She's acknowledged that she's still smoking and drinking while pregnant. She said this baby isn't going to stop her from partying with her friends and one or two drinks a few times a week won't kill it.

lellymine · January 2014

mrsdbc said:
Can I ask what your husband feels about this whole thing? The shower the situation etc

He's really angry about it. After the whole false rape report happened with her he cut her out of his life because he was concerned that she'd make something up about him like she did with her step dad. So he's even more angry right now that she got pregnant of purpose and is putting his sister (her mom) through more. I think all those feelings are why he's taking the joint shower so personally. I'm mad for sure but he flew off the handle when he heard about it. I think taking some time away from it will do us both some good.

babygabe614 · January 2014

lellymine said:

SNIP
The shower comment isn't because I feel she doesn't deserve it. Our whole family feels like it'd be in her and the baby's best interest to give it up for adoption. They've all told her that, except for me because I'm the only person she hasn't talked to about it yet. Her mom told me because my niece said she didn't know how to tell me. So I think giving her showers will make it harder to consider giving it up when she sees all the presents and just the fun parts of having a baby. She's acknowledged that she's still smoking and drinking while pregnant. She said this baby isn't going to stop her from partying with her friends and one or two drinks a few times a week won't kill it.

This is just heartbreaking. And really shows the ignorance of a 16 year old and whatever "facts" she is getting from her friends and dropout boyfriend. I sincerely hope someone can talk some sense into her about this point, specifically. Whether she chooses to stay home, drop out of school, put the baby up for adoption or not, whatever - none of that matters nearly as much as the damage she is doing to that innocent child by making selfish decisions like this that will damage the baby irreparably. Ugh this just brings tears to my eyes because it is so unfair for this child.

crhein26 · January 2014

Everything about this situation sucks!

1. It took you forever to conceive such a precious baby.

2. Niece decides to get pregnant on purpose at 16 so she can move in with jobless boyfriend.

3. Niece continues to drink, smoke, and party while pregnant.

4. MIL wants to throw you a joint shower with niece.

5. Niece's baby could end up having some serious health/mental issues because of #3

All of this being said, your niece clearly has issues that it is going to take her a LONG time to workout. This girl is screaming for attention which I'm assuming her mother and step-father never gave to her. As hard as this is, you need to stop and look at the only thing important in this situation. There is a baby that is being born. Niece has made up her mind and isn't going to give it up for adoption, so the family has no control over that. I 1000% agree with you in the fact that you don't want a joint shower with her. I wouldn't either. And I would simply tell MIL that while I appreciate her generosity, getting pregnant has been a very emotional roller coaster for you and DH. Because there were two very different ways these babies were conceived, you would like to opt out of having a joint baby shower. I would simply say to her that you understand if they cannot afford to throw you one on your own, but you would have a hard time celebrating your baby when everyone in your family is not overly thrilled about niece being pregnant. You will just have to understand that you probably will not get a baby shower from that side of the family. That being said, nieces baby clearly needs more than what you need. I know it's not easy, but remember the important one here is the baby.

My sister was 14 when she got pregnant and 15 when she had my nephew. She wanted to keep the baby and the entire family was against it. Everyone wanted her to put the baby up for adoption. But in the end, our family stuck by her.

You need to do the same. Niece's baby is going to need someone stable in it's life....and you could help be the support person. Likely father of baby will leave or kick her out less than a year after baby is born. She will need more help then.

Again, the situation sucks, but try to make the best of it. Good luck in whatever decisions you decide.

elsa1688 · January 2014

Yikes!! I am so sorry!

ELC252011 · January 2014

I don't think you are being a brat. You have the right to ask her for separate showers. I would ask for separate showers. I'm sorry your going trough this.

LilyGracesMommy · January 2014

Wow. First I am so sorry you are going through this.

Second your niece needs a reality check. I had my DD young ( 18 not 16) and I was blessed to have a supportive family. Because of them I am currently an RN with my bachelors degree and a home owner. Dropping out of school is beyond stupid. They have online GED programs, but she needs to do something.

As far as the drinking/smoking goes, what is her mother doing about that?
How can she possibly be responsible enough to mother a child if she can't even abstain from things any idiot knows you should not do while pregnant

and honestly as a young mom myself, it makes me angry because it's people like her that give young moms who better themselves for their kids and do their best a bad name, because people assume we are like your niece

Sorry for the rant, hopefully for the sake of her baby she gets some help

And YES you most certainly need and deserve a seperate shower

Katieluc106 · January 2014

lellymine said:

wareagle1220 said:
First of all, this is a really crappy situation. I don't understand why they both dropped out of high school. How do they plan to pay for the child?

I would talk to my MIL and explain to her that you don't feel comfortable having a shower with your 16 yo niece as well. Then she can decide to throw them separate, or you could just decline. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your MIL, but if you have a close relationship with her, I don't see how she wouldn't understand your decision.
Her boyfriend dropped out a few years ago (I think he's about 20 now) because he's lazy. She's dropping out because "it'll be so fun to be a SAHM and school will just get in the way of that."

Have her come talk to me! I'm a SAHM/ full time student and neither one gets in the way of the other.

And HELLLLL to the no on the joint baby shower. That's your time and your baby's time to be pampered and celebrated. A 16 year old with poor life choices shouldn't outshine that.

pcourtade · January 2014

Just say you'd be uncomfortable with a joint shower. I think it's crazy that she would think it would be a good idea.

Lindsleigh77 · January 2014

LilNunz1 said:

I'd decline the joint shower, too. Other than that - *hugs*

this exactly, so sorry @lellymine this just sucks period

kibean · January 2014

First, I totally would feel the exact same way as you described if I was in your position.

Last year I worked very closely with a pregnant teen, while I struggled with infertility and a loss. She had her baby the same week I had my D&C, which was extremely hard. She did not nearly have the same emotional issues as what it sounds like your niece is struggling with, but she was also very immature and thought that being a SAHM would be roses. Needless to say, she was shocked when reality was far from her imagination, but she reacted by growing up, ditching a loser boyfriend, and enrolling in GED classes. Later, she said that she reacted that way because she had so many "grown-ups" encouraging her and supporting her. I am so proud of how she has handled this, even though it is obviously not an ideal situation.

Don't feel like you have to be the one on the front line of helping this girl (not your job and especially not right now), but have some peace in the fact that nothing she does changes how much you want your baby, how special your little family is, how lucky your LO is to have parents who are prepared and ready, and how happy of a time this is for you.

She is about to begin one of the toughest journeys that a 16 year old can choose. Hopefully she will make a positive choice to be the best mom she can with what she has, but if she doesn't it sounds like she has agencies monitoring her that will make a move if needed.

Oh and no way to the joint baby shower...that is just not okay.

SchoolPsychSteph · January 2014

Everyone has said what I would have. She'll only learn the gravity of the situation with time and as she gets older. Definitely don't share a shower. You more than deserve your own as a celebration of you and your baby and she certainly NEEDS a shower to get supplies seeing as she's not going to be working apparently. That blows my mind she thinks it'll be fun being a SAHM without an income or minimum wage job. It was difficult when DH was a SAHD and I worked earning $7-$8/hour while going to school, but we managed with the help of family and WIC. I grew up many years when DD was a baby and I hope your niece does too. I'll be thinking of you and I hate that you're in this situation.

Mztwilson · January 2014

I feel each first child should have their own shower.

kittenslove · January 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What state do you live in? In some states, girls under the age of 16 not living at home will not receive assistance for their family without being enrolled in school. She may receive SOMETHING, but usually it goes before juvenile court, and if she does not have her act together before petitioning to be eligible for state aid, she could be at risk of being enrolled in DHS or even losing rights to her child (this just happened to a student of mine in November). Also - drinking and smoking under age can also be used against her in this case. Even if you do not speak to your niece, this is information her mother or father should have.

Also - they should research teen pregnancy support programs and alternative education options for your niece. In PA for example, we have the ELECT/MARS program. These programs help teen parents (male and female) make good choices throughout pregnancy and parenthood. In my school, ELECT has held seminars on everything from childproofing the home to domestic violence, to parental rights. They help students set up childcare, find affordable healthcare, find part time jobs, work with the school for maternity leave and child illness leave.

PA also have Performance Learning Centers - these are accelerated learning academies that allow students to complete their high school education quickly. I currently work at one, and can tell you we work very hard to accommodate teen parents. The best part is they can finish their high school work and receive their diploma in as little as one year. If your area does not have an alternative or accelerated option, there are online schools that would allow her to stay at home while still finishing her education.

She may not want to hear this now, so it might not be the best time to approach it. But I have some wonderful infographics on household income in relation to education - and include things like car ownership, insurance, child going to college, etc. I use these all the time when working with students trying to prevent them from dropping out. I have a lot of resources I can email you that can be printed out and shared with your SIL or niece. I also have some nice conversation starters and life planning materials that I have found helpful when working with teenagers.

My thoughts are with you. I know how hard it is to see someone you care about making thoughtless choices. If the best thing you can do is keep your distance, then do just that. As other have said, you don't want to alienate her by saying something you may regret in 20 years. Offer support to her mom, and do what you can do.

PS - if you want to research elect or mars, google the information below

(Education Leading to Employment and Career Training/ Men Achieving Responsibility Successfully).

justme04 · January 2014

About her admited drinking and smoking. Is there any chance her mother could put her in rehab to clean her up? I mean she is 16 and that kind of hospitalization of a minor usually does not require their consent. I'm sure the program could very easily teach her why these things are not OK to do while pregnant. After all at 16 any drinking or smoking is a problem that could only get worse.

lellymine · January 2014

kittenslove said:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. What state do you live in? In some states, girls under the age of 16 not living at home will not receive assistance for their family without being enrolled in school. She may receive SOMETHING, but usually it goes before juvenile court, and if she does not have her act together before petitioning to be eligible for state aid, she could be at risk of being enrolled in DHS or even losing rights to her child (this just happened to a student of mine in November). Also - drinking and smoking under age can also be used against her in this case. Even if you do not speak to your niece, this is information her mother or father should have.

Also - they should research teen pregnancy support programs and alternative education options for your niece. In PA for example, we have the ELECT/MARS program. These programs help teen parents (male and female) make good choices throughout pregnancy and parenthood. In my school, ELECT has held seminars on everything from childproofing the home to domestic violence, to parental rights. They help students set up childcare, find affordable healthcare, find part time jobs, work with the school for maternity leave and child illness leave.

PA also have Performance Learning Centers - these are accelerated learning academies that allow students to complete their high school education quickly. I currently work at one, and can tell you we work very hard to accommodate teen parents. The best part is they can finish their high school work and receive their diploma in as little as one year. If your area does not have an alternative or accelerated option, there are online schools that would allow her to stay at home while still finishing her education.

She may not want to hear this now, so it might not be the best time to approach it. But I have some wonderful infographics on household income in relation to education - and include things like car ownership, insurance, child going to college, etc. I use these all the time when working with students trying to prevent them from dropping out. I have a lot of resources I can email you that can be printed out and shared with your SIL or niece. I also have some nice conversation starters and life planning materials that I have found helpful when working with teenagers.

My thoughts are with you. I know how hard it is to see someone you care about making thoughtless choices. If the best thing you can do is keep your distance, then do just that. As other have said, you don't want to alienate her by saying something you may regret in 20 years. Offer support to her mom, and do what you can do.

PS - if you want to research elect or mars, google the information below

(Education Leading to Employment and Career Training/ Men Achieving Responsibility Successfully).

We're in UT. From what SIL told me to qualify for any benefits in our state (including benefits and insurance for the baby after it's born) my niece can't live with a guardian since she's a minor. So my SIL will need to kick her out to be able to get any government assistance. We do have a school for teen moms to finish their schooling but so far she's refusing to talk about graduating. Once I talk to my niece and feel out how she'll react I'm sure I'll be PMing you for those papers! Thanks!

lellymine · January 2014

justme04 said:
About her admited drinking and smoking. Is there any chance her mother could put her in rehab to clean her up? I mean she is 16 and that kind of hospitalization of a minor usually does not require their consent. I'm sure the program could very easily teach her why these things are not OK to do while pregnant. After all at 16 any drinking or smoking is a problem that could only get worse.

I hadn't thought of a rehab center. I'll pass that off to my SIL!

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

lellymine said:

@lellymine

I was 17 and a Senior in high school when I got pregnant with my first kid. His bio-sperm donor split right away and I was left to face my family and my friends on my own. It wasnt long after that my friends didnt have time for me either and I had no one but my family that just didnt know how to deal with the situation. My parents tried to be supportive but were also condescending and embarrassed. It's a lot for a teenager to deal with.

Your niece dropping out of school is unfortunate but it's not going to ruin her life. She'll have additional options to finish her education or get a GED when the time is right for her. For me, I was lucky to have finished high school before my son was born. A marriage, two more kids, a divorce, and remarriage later..I went back to college and graduated cum laude with a BS in Adolsecent and Behavioral Psychology. With the support of family, your niece can be guided into a good life for her and her child.

I understand that you are jealous and frustrated that it took you so long to conceive and it was easy for her. Are you also infuriated that many of the women on this board also conceived without interventions? And maybe even some of them are not quite financially prepared for the arrival of their LOs? It sound more to me like you are throwing a tizzy because your baby won't be the only one in the family to be doted over and that you think her baby may get more attention simply because she's a 16 year old mother.

You don't have to share your pregnancy with her. But it doesn't mean that others should not share in hers. Your MIL has every right to throw a shower for your niece and encourage your family to support her through her pregnancy and let her know that she will still be loved and that her little one will be as well. The fact is, your niece is still a child and if her family withdraws from her and treats her pregnancy as something shameful, there is a much higher likelihood that the baby will suffer. Whether she's ready to accept it or not, the family needs to continue to give her advice and support on how to become a productive member of society and a good parent.

As far as the shower thing...I'm sure that you could approach your MIL and let her know that you'd like for both you and your niece to have separate showers. Especially if she intends to invite the family of the father and friends of your niece. But if she chooses to keep the two together, and you decline, you could come off as being selfish and alienate your DHs entire family from your LO. Since you are already having another shower thrown by your own family, you could invite the few close members of your DHs family to that as well and allow the extended family to cater to your niece only.

coffee-saur · January 2014

It stinks to see people we're close to make life altering decisions for bad reasons. Sorry you're going through this!

lizok22 · January 2014

people actually think that is great??

Rachel5130 said:

Okay, I'm from tecas, so I've had my fair share of "OMG I'm 16 and pregnant and the dad is in jail and we are sooo in love and he is so great and we are gonna be soooo happy" and everyone just jumps up and down with joy and thinks it is SO great. It's not great. But what is also not great is pointing this out to her. If she doesn't realize this now, she will soon. She is in for a rude awakening. As her aunt, you have a wonderful opportunity to support her through it and help her. She will look to you more than you know. As for the shower. No. Regardless of her age or situation, no. It's inappropriate and practically speaking, would be WAY TOO LONG. Plus, people would get y'all both small gifts instead of each a normal sized one. If you do talk to MIL, or anyone, I wouldn't admit that you feel like she is taking anything from you. That was the only part that sat wrong with me. Chances are, the people whose attention you really want are rolling their eyes at her lack of reality as well. Sorry you're in this situation. Good luck girl.

jshrop · January 2014

@becomingmommyagain I believe that you've misread @lellymine intentions. If you read through the entire thread, she is not saying that because she's 16 and pregnant she's pissed. She's saying that this child has a lot of issues, and is now bringing a baby into the world. There are many, many things that lellymine stated that has me concerned about the welfare of this baby as well. I believe her frustration is the lack of accountability this family has placed upon the 16yo and she doesn't want to be a bystander in the mess. It sounds like she's trying to show her family there is a very serious problem with the situation.

I don't think it's fair to judge @lellymine as "being in a tizzy" or "being jealous" because pregnancy came so easy to her niece. I don't believe that was her intended point. Again, I encourage you to read the ENTIRE thread before you flame away at someone who has some legitimate complaints.

Sorry, @lellymine, if I've misrepresented you in anyway here. I just don't this post was fair to you at all.

lellymine · January 2014

jshrop said:
@becomingmommyagain I believe that you've misread @lellymine intentions. If you read through the entire thread, she is not saying that because she's 16 and pregnant she's pissed. She's saying that this child has a lot of issues, and is now bringing a baby into the world. There are many, many things that lellymine stated that has me concerned about the welfare of this baby as well. I believe her frustration is the lack of accountability this family has placed upon the 16yo and she doesn't want to be a bystander in the mess. It sounds like she's trying to show her family there is a very serious problem with the situation.

I don't think it's fair to judge @lellymine as "being in a tizzy" or "being jealous" because pregnancy came so easy to her niece. I don't believe that was her intended point. Again, I encourage you to read the ENTIRE thread before you flame away at someone who has some legitimate complaints.

Sorry, @lellymine, if I've misrepresented you in anyway here. I just don't this post was fair to you at all.

Everything you said was 100% accurate in my feelings. Thanks for saying something on my behalf

jshrop · January 2014

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

jshrop said:

@becomingmommyagain I believe that you've misread @lellymine intentions. If you read through the entire thread, she is not saying that because she's 16 and pregnant she's pissed. She's saying that this child has a lot of issues, and is now bringing a baby into the world. There are many, many things that lellymine stated that has me concerned about the welfare of this baby as well. I believe her frustration is the lack of accountability this family has placed upon the 16yo and she doesn't want to be a bystander in the mess. It sounds like she's trying to show her family there is a very serious problem with the situation.
I don't think it's fair to judge @lellymine as "being in a tizzy" or "being jealous" because pregnancy came so easy to her niece. I don't believe that was her intended point. Again, I encourage you to read the ENTIRE thread before you flame away at someone who has some legitimate complaints.
Sorry, @lellymine, if I've misrepresented you in anyway here. I just don't this post was fair to you at all.

@jshrop - I did read through the entire thread as well as the other posts regarding her niece. I understand that she has concerns for her niece, but I feel that her original post was more directed to how her 16 year old niece's pregnancy is affecting her own. She clearly stated she didn't want to share her pregnancy with a teenager and that she was infuriated with how easy it was for her to get pregnant.

Before flaming me...remember @lillymine originally posted:

"I'm SO mad that I have to share my pregnancy with my 16 yr old niece. We tried for this baby for a long time and I was on meds for over a yr just to get my body to ovulate. So it infuriates me that she got pregnant so easily and is so mentally and financially unprepared for this child. I'm also furious because my MIL thinks it's a good idea to give us a joint baby shower. I think we shouldn't even give her a shower but it seems so unthoughtful to me that she'd even think the two should be combined. "

I understand that there are a lot of other issues going on with this 16 year old girl and she's probably not an easy one to handle. I'd strongly encourage @lellymine to report to the authorities anything she feels is putting the 16 year old and her baby in jeopardy. I lived in Logan, UT for seven years and only recently moved. I know that in Utah, it is illegal for minors to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes and that the State & Local governments will prosecute minors for doing such. In Utah it is also illegal for minors to have sex and both the girl and her baby-daddy could face legal charges.

I also understand, having lived in Utah for so long, that Utah culture is actually quite supportive of young families and there are a lot of resources in the community and through churches to help a young pregnant woman.

I think it would probably be best for Lillymine and her husband to step away from the niece and focus more on their own growing family. Unfortunately for them, their extended family has a more difficult and delicate situation to deal with at the moment.

Puka99 · January 2014

I haven't read the others responses but I would kindly tell MIL that you do not want to have a joint shower and that you would like to celebrate this baby by itself and I'm sure your neice would want the same.

While your feelings are valid, you also need to realize that verbalizing them to your neice, your MIL, and everyone else (except us and your h and close friends) is unneccesary. Yes, she has made her life harder but it's her life. Her baby daddy sounds like a douche but maybe this will make them both grow up. Maybe not. Maybe only one will. I hope for the baby's sake they both grow up.

That being said there are lot of "adults" who act like butt heads and a lot of teen parents who end up responsible. And vice versa.

jshrop · January 2014

Hmmm. Maybe I am the UO here, but I don't believe that you should stand by and say nothing while your family placates a spoiled child. As for the original problem... @lellymine 's question was this "I just have this huge tidal wave of emotions. How do I let her know I still love her but that I absolutely do not support her keeping this baby?" It was not "let me tell you how I judge teenage mothers." Again, it is a very serious problem they have. It is one thing to drop out of school, get a GED, and work to support yourself... And quite another to drop out of school because "I think being a SAHM would be fun." We have a completely different situation going on in my family in regards to a cousin of mine. Problematic young person who has made bad choice after bad choice. I no longer keep my mouth shut and "step away" from him because no one else is stepping up. He cannot continue his bad behavior and think his family will continue to bail him out. I think although situations are different, this would be my advice to @lellymine. If no one is going to step up and shout "this is a problem!!!" Then she needs to. We placate too many young people into thinking they are special now flakes who can do as they please. They must be taught that there are real world consequences to the dumb ass choices they make! @lellymine's niece needs to see that having a baby isn't like "I'm going to get my own MTV show and my parents can take care of it when I don't feel like it." She needs to hear that she is now a responsible adult. If she cannot be responsible then she needs to give the child up for adoption (or whatever).

Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me but it seriously PISSES me off when people are quick to say "wash your hands of it." It may be difficult, but voicing concern and consequence is so much more helpful than sucking your head in the sand and placating crap behavior.

End rant.

lellymine · January 2014

becomingmommyagain said:

jshrop said:

@becomingmommyagain I believe that you've misread @lellymine intentions. If you read through the entire thread, she is not saying that because she's 16 and pregnant she's pissed. She's saying that this child has a lot of issues, and is now bringing a baby into the world. There are many, many things that lellymine stated that has me concerned about the welfare of this baby as well. I believe her frustration is the lack of accountability this family has placed upon the 16yo and she doesn't want to be a bystander in the mess. It sounds like she's trying to show her family there is a very serious problem with the situation.

I don't think it's fair to judge @lellymine as "being in a tizzy" or "being jealous" because pregnancy came so easy to her niece. I don't believe that was her intended point. Again, I encourage you to read the ENTIRE thread before you flame away at someone who has some legitimate complaints.

Sorry, @lellymine, if I've misrepresented you in anyway here. I just don't this post was fair to you at all.

@jshrop - I did read through the entire thread as well as the other posts regarding her niece. I understand that she has concerns for her niece, but I feel that her original post was more directed to how her 16 year old niece's pregnancy is affecting her own. She clearly stated she didn't want to share her pregnancy with a teenager and that she was infuriated with how easy it was for her to get pregnant.

Before flaming me...remember @lillymine originally posted:

"I'm SO mad that I have to share my pregnancy with my 16 yr old niece. We tried for this baby for a long time and I was on meds for over a yr just to get my body to ovulate. So it infuriates me that she got pregnant so easily and is so mentally and financially unprepared for this child. I'm also furious because my MIL thinks it's a good idea to give us a joint baby shower. I think we shouldn't even give her a shower but it seems so unthoughtful to me that she'd even think the two should be combined. "

I understand that there are a lot of other issues going on with this 16 year old girl and she's probably not an easy one to handle. I'd strongly encourage @lellymine to report to the authorities anything she feels is putting the 16 year old and her baby in jeopardy. I lived in Logan, UT for seven years and only recently moved. I know that in Utah, it is illegal for minors to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes and that the State & Local governments will prosecute minors for doing such. In Utah it is also illegal for minors to have sex and both the girl and her baby-daddy could face legal charges.

I also understand, having lived in Utah for so long, that Utah culture is actually quite supportive of young families and there are a lot of resources in the community and through churches to help a young pregnant woman.

I think it would probably be best for Lillymine and her husband to step away from the niece and focus more on their own growing family. Unfortunately for them, their extended family has a more difficult and delicate situation to deal with at the moment.

I acknowledged I was upset that it was easy for her to get pregnant but in no way am I in a tizzy. I've been on the phone with her mother multiple times in the past week just offering a listening ear for her. I thought that I portrayed that it's not the fact that someone is pregnant the same time as myself but rather how focused we'll all (including us because that's what families do) need to be on my niece's pregnancy because of the gravity of her choices that affect our entire family not just her and her child.

I also said later in the thread that I feel giving her a shower will make it harder for her to consider giving it up for adoption when she just gets to focus on the fun parts of being pregnant rather than the realities of being a parent.

Also said in the thread, she already has a case worker. She already has had multiple talks with the police. If we were able to file statutory rape charges against the boyfriend it would've happened. She's certainly not going to admit to police that she's drinking and smoking but even if she were to do so we already know it'd result in just a fine which her mother would have to pay since my niece has no money.

We have plenty of church programs that help young mothers but she filed rape charges against her step father just so she could go live with her boyfriend. She won't even consider staying in school. Do you think she'll go to a church program?

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

lellymine said:

Some might remember me posting about my 16 yr old niece who I thought was trying to get pregnant. Well we found out a few days ago she is. She's 2 months behind me in her pregnancy. She's keeping it and she's telling everyone how glad she is about it. It's been such a shitty last few days with a whole range of emotion. I'm SO mad that I have to share my pregnancy with my 16 yr old niece. We tried for this baby for a long time and I was on meds for over a yr just to get my body to ovulate. So it infuriates me that she got pregnant so easily and is so mentally and financially unprepared for this child. I'm also furious because my MIL thinks it's a good idea to give us a joint baby shower. I think we shouldn't even give her a shower but it seems so unthoughtful to me that she'd even think the two should be combined. I'm also heartbroken over how hard she's just made her life. She's dropping out of high school. Her boyfriend dropped out. How will they support this baby? And lastly I cry every time I think about how sad this baby's life will be. It has a loser for a father, who I can almost guarantee will leave them within a year after he finds out how hard it is to raise a child. It's mother doesn't see anything wrong with still smoking and drinking hard liquor. It'll just struggle it's entire childhood. I just have this huge tidal wave of emotions. How do I let her know I still love her but that I absolutely do not support her keeping this baby? I was so shocked that MIL plans to combine showers I didn't say anything. Do I just turn it down? Am I being a brat by not wanting a combined shower? Ugh, sorry for the length of this. It's been days and my feeling aren't any calmer.

@ lillymine - Ok, so lets go back to the OP. Your concern the welfare of your niece and her child were over shadowed by your own disappointment of potentially having to share a baby shower with her. In your follow up posts you described the situation a little more indepth, but to me it still felt that you were upset that your in laws are supporting her and that it is getting in the way of the focus on you.

I get the situation isn't ideal. And its great that you are able to talk with your sister in law about the issues around her own daughter. She will greatly need your support no matter what the outcomes.

As far as giving up the baby...I agree with the prior posts. It's not your place to say anything. That is an extremely difficult and personal decision. The farthest you should take it is suggesting that she look into all of her options. Considering that it sounds like she did this on purpose, she's not likely to give up the baby. Your entire family pushing this on her is only going to make her step further away and shut everyone out- and that sounds to me like the worst thing that could happen. It sucks that the entire family has to live to deal with this situation, but like you said, that's what being a family is all about.

With a caseworker already involved, you could encourage your SIL to be in contact with the CW regularly to express the concerns and encourage her to have the CW address them with her. Maybe if its an outsider constantly following up on her and not her parents she'll be able to repair her relationship with her parents. Family counseling would be a great plus if they could manage it. With her being so young and now pregnant, the CW is going to be involved for a very long time. Although the system isn't perfect, continued communication between her parents and the CW will help. I would strongly encourage you to have your SIL and her ex-H look into Utah's Juvenile Justice resources. She could be deemed an ungovernable youth and they can mandate counseling through the JJ without going through the court systems.

https://www.jjs.utah.gov/youth-services.htm

@jshrop - I agree, this kid needs a dose of reality. I have a teenagers of my own and can speak from experience. All too frequently parents let their children "do" without setting limits and consequences. We battle constantly with my 17 year old who "falls in love" with every girl friend he's ever had and feels that certain activities are a "teenage right of passage" but we are also constantly enforcing the consequences for those actions. Unfortunately, I think this family is between a rock and a hard place and it now requires intervention (which it sounds like they are getting). If they turn their backs on her or withdraw support she will leave. And as soon as she turns 17 or has the baby, there is nothing they can do unless the state determines she is unfit to care for the child. And if the state takes the baby, they'd likely try to place it with a family member rather in foster care. In this situation I think a more passive approach by the family - support her decisions in regards to the baby but still make her be the one responsible for it - along with the support of the CW is the best solution for the family. If she missteps, make her face the legal consequences.

misscarter87 · January 2014

Dang sorry you going through this and yes i would most definitely decline the joint shower. Yall should not have a shower together. Hopefully your niece &the baby father will definitely get a look at real life real parenting and how tough it is once their baby gets here.

lellymine · January 2014

becomingmommyagain said:

lellymine said:

Some might remember me posting about my 16 yr old niece who I thought was trying to get pregnant. Well we found out a few days ago she is. She's 2 months behind me in her pregnancy. She's keeping it and she's telling everyone how glad she is about it. It's been such a shitty last few days with a whole range of emotion.

I'm SO mad that I have to share my pregnancy with my 16 yr old niece. We tried for this baby for a long time and I was on meds for over a yr just to get my body to ovulate. So it infuriates me that she got pregnant so easily and is so mentally and financially unprepared for this child. I'm also furious because my MIL thinks it's a good idea to give us a joint baby shower. I think we shouldn't even give her a shower but it seems so unthoughtful to me that she'd even think the two should be combined.

I'm also heartbroken over how hard she's just made her life. She's dropping out of high school. Her boyfriend dropped out. How will they support this baby?

And lastly I cry every time I think about how sad this baby's life will be. It has a loser for a father, who I can almost guarantee will leave them within a year after he finds out how hard it is to raise a child. It's mother doesn't see anything wrong with still smoking and drinking hard liquor. It'll just struggle it's entire childhood.

I just have this huge tidal wave of emotions. How do I let her know I still love her but that I absolutely do not support her keeping this baby? I was so shocked that MIL plans to combine showers I didn't say anything. Do I just turn it down? Am I being a brat by not wanting a combined shower? Ugh, sorry for the length of this. It's been days and my feeling aren't any calmer.

@ lillymine - Ok, so lets go back to the OP. Your concern the welfare of your niece and her child were over shadowed by your own disappointment of potentially having to share a baby shower with her. In your follow up posts you described the situation a little more indepth, but to me it still felt that you were upset that your in laws are supporting her and that it is getting in the way of the focus on you.

I get the situation isn't ideal. And its great that you are able to talk with your sister in law about the issues around her own daughter. She will greatly need your support no matter what the outcomes.

As far as giving up the baby...I agree with the prior posts. It's not your place to say anything. That is an extremely difficult and personal decision. The farthest you should take it is suggesting that she look into all of her options. Considering that it sounds like she did this on purpose, she's not likely to give up the baby. Your entire family pushing this on her is only going to make her step further away and shut everyone out- and that sounds to me like the worst thing that could happen. It sucks that the entire family has to live to deal with this situation, but like you said, that's what being a family is all about.

With a caseworker already involved, you could encourage your SIL to be in contact with the CW regularly to express the concerns and encourage her to have the CW address them with her. Maybe if its an outsider constantly following up on her and not her parents she'll be able to repair her relationship with her parents. Family counseling would be a great plus if they could manage it. With her being so young and now pregnant, the CW is going to be involved for a very long time. Although the system isn't perfect, continued communication between her parents and the CW will help. I would strongly encourage you to have your SIL and her ex-H look into Utah's Juvenile Justice resources. She could be deemed an ungovernable youth and they can mandate counseling through the JJ without going through the court systems.

https://www.jjs.utah.gov/youth-services.htm

@jshrop - I agree, this kid needs a dose of reality. I have a teenagers of my own and can speak from experience. All too frequently parents let their children "do" without setting limits and consequences. We battle constantly with my 17 year old who "falls in love" with every girl friend he's ever had and feels that certain activities are a "teenage right of passage" but we are also constantly enforcing the consequences for those actions. Unfortunately, I think this family is between a rock and a hard place and it now requires intervention (which it sounds like they are getting). If they turn their backs on her or withdraw support she will leave. And as soon as she turns 17 or has the baby, there is nothing they can do unless the state determines she is unfit to care for the child. And if the state takes the baby, they'd likely try to place it with a family member rather in foster care. In this situation I think a more passive approach by the family - support her decisions in regards to the baby but still make her be the one responsible for it - along with the support of the CW is the best solution for the family. If she missteps, make her face the legal consequences.

Nothing you've said hasn't been done or explored. She's in court mandated counseling. She meets with her case worker multiple times a month. She's been in the juvenile center. This isn't a situation that just snuck up on any of us. We've been watching her go down a destructive path since she was 14.

I'm not sure what else you're looking for me to say. My op was upset and probably focused heavily on myself and situation, I'd just been told I was having a joint shower with my troubled niece that we as a family have been struggling with for years. The niece that got pregnant just so she had a better chance to live with her boyfriend and is still smoking and drinking. Damn right I was mad and upset that she's not valuing this pregnancy the way I was or any other mature woman would. Continuing to quote my op is pretty dumb and makes me think you're just trying to stir the pot since as I calmed down, vented, got some great support here and gentle reminders that all I can do is be a good role model for her you'll see through this entire thread I ended up agreed with them.

becomingmommyagain · January 2014

@lillymine - I'm sorry, what I meant to say was:

Oh my, I am so sorry you have to deal with this right now!! This should be a happy time for you!! You should definitely tell your MIL that you don't want to share the baby shower she's throwing for you with your pregnant teenage niece.

As for your niece, hopefully she and her BF will get their act together for the sake of LO....if not, maybe everyone should encourage her to put the baby up for adoption. In the mean time, all you can do is be a good role model. She's so lucky to have so many people who care so much!!

lellymine · January 2014

becomingmommyagain said:
@lillymine - I'm sorry, what I meant to say was:

Oh my, I am so sorry you have to deal with this right now!! This should be a happy time for you!! You should definitely tell your MIL that you don't want to share the baby shower she's throwing for you with your pregnant teenage niece.
As for your niece, hopefully she and her BF will get their act together for the sake of LO....if not, maybe everyone should encourage her to put the baby up for adoption. In the mean time, all you can do is be a good role model. She's so lucky to have so many people who care so much!!

Thanks!!! That's really sweet of you!!

MrsAMB07 · January 2014

What a sad situation, most of all for that poor baby. I can totally understand how you feel, too, and I don't think you're wrong to feel that way.

As for the shower, I can completely understand not wanting to share. That said, it's not your only shower, so I would have your DH talk to your MIL about it since he's equally upset by the idea. If she still wants it combined, I'd graciously decline or like a previous poster said, limit it to just your DH's very close relatives. Not ideal, but if your MIL is hosting it and determined for it to be combined, that seems like the least awful way to do it.

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