Really upset

lellymine

Some might remember me posting about my 16 yr old niece who I thought was trying to get pregnant. Well we found out a few days ago she is. She's 2 months behind me in her pregnancy. She's keeping it and she's telling everyone how glad she is about it. It's been such a shitty last few days with a whole range of emotion.

I'm SO mad that I have to share my pregnancy with my 16 yr old niece. We tried for this baby for a long time and I was on meds for over a yr just to get my body to ovulate. So it infuriates me that she got pregnant so easily and is so mentally and financially unprepared for this child. I'm also furious because my MIL thinks it's a good idea to give us a joint baby shower. I think we shouldn't even give her a shower but it seems so unthoughtful to me that she'd even think the two should be combined.

I'm also heartbroken over how hard she's just made her life. She's dropping out of high school. Her boyfriend dropped out. How will they support this baby?

And lastly I cry every time I think about how sad this baby's life will be. It has a loser for a father, who I can almost guarantee will leave them within a year after he finds out how hard it is to raise a child. It's mother doesn't see anything wrong with still smoking and drinking hard liquor. It'll just struggle it's entire childhood.

I just have this huge tidal wave of emotions. How do I let her know I still love her but that I absolutely do not support her keeping this baby? I was so shocked that MIL plans to combine showers I didn't say anything. Do I just turn it down? Am I being a brat by not wanting a combined shower? Ugh, sorry for the length of this. It's been days and my feeling aren't any calmer.

Cherylwang

I agree that I would not want a joint shower. It should be a special time for you as well and you should have special day for you and your baby. You should not have to share that with a 16 Year old. I do think that if the 16 year old is keeping the baby she will need a shower or smaller something or she will have no supplies for baby making her situation even worse. I do not think they should be combined. She will have to grow up and learn from her mistakes.

lellymine

mrsdbc said:

Your not being a brat at it all. YOU deserve your own after everything you have been through. Now if it was your sister or something I would be kinda like 'it sucks but maybe grin and bear it' but I think your MIL is being unreasonable. Will your mom or someone throw one for you?
oh sweetie Im so sorry your dealing with this *creepy internet hugs* pm me if you ever need to vent feel free anytime okay?

Thank you! My aunts are throwing me a shower but with how big DH's side is I can't ask my aunts to invite and pay for that many people. It'd be a party of close to 75-100 women with both families. I think if she's pushes the issue I'll just have to forgo the shower with his family being invited.

erind228

Wow, what a terrible situation.  I can understand how you are feeling, and I think you are justified in not wanting a joint shower.  If I were you, I think that I would kindly decline her offer.  I don't really have any words of wisdom to share.  I do hope that she grows up, and realizes that she is no longer a child herself, and will have the responsibility of another life.  I really hope she has some responsible adults in her life that can help her along the way.  Maybe you could model how to be a good parent?  Just a thought.  Good luck. 

lellymine

emilyh107 said:

That's really sad, I'm sorry. Why did she drop out of high school? There is no reason that she can't finish up school. That baby doesn't need 2 high school drop outs as parents.

Also- HELL no to the joint baby shower. If they want to throw her one fine, but I would NOT be ok with having a baby shower with her.

She said she wants to be a stay at home mom so school will get in the way of that.

ADalesa29

So sorry you're going through this! I don't really have any suggestions but just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I definitely think you have every right to not want a joint shower. Hang in there!

Mizoo

The way I kind of look at it is that regardless of whether the baby was wanted or not - she's pregnant now and needs support.  And it is her decision whether or not to keep the baby. So I would not express your opinion on that matter to her, you'll only alienate your relationship.

I see this as a really good way for you to be a positive role model for your niece!  My best advice might sound a bit harsh - but you really need to strap on your big girl panties and deal with this anger you seem to have toward her.  She's a teen who made a tough choice, and will have to face the consequences, but she's not a criminal.

For what it's worth, lots of my classmates had kids in high school.  I don't keep in touch with most of them, but those that I do still talk to have children that are loved just the same as children had by adults in a marriage.  The support of the family makes all the difference in the world!

ETA:  I would also decline a joint shower if I were you.  I wouldn't want a joint shower with anyone!

lellymine

wareagle1220 said:

First of all, this is a really crappy situation.  I don't understand why they both dropped out of high school.  How do they plan to pay for the child?

I would talk to my MIL and explain to her that you don't feel comfortable having a shower with your 16 yo niece as well.  Then she can decide to throw them separate, or you could just decline.  I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your MIL, but if you have a close relationship with her, I don't see how she wouldn't understand your decision.

Her boyfriend dropped out a few years ago (I think he's about 20 now) because he's lazy. She's dropping out because "it'll be so fun to be a SAHM and school will just get in the way of that."

ashanne88

You're not being unreasonable at all-I would feel exactly the same way in your situation.  You shouldn't have a shared baby shower.  Each of you should have separate ones.  I am so sorry you're going through all of this!!

I agree that she doesn't need to drop out of school.  It would be better for her and the child if she finishes.

jshrop

I agree with @mrsdbc. This really blows. I'd vote no to the joint shower (you can blame it on she needs a special day) and talk to your family or friends about it. As for the situation, it certainly isn't ideal. However, I am the child of a young mother. It doesn't necessarily have to end up like something from a shitty MTV series.

ElTrain5

UGH.  I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this crap-tastic situation.  No, you absolutely will NOT do a joint shower.  I will personally fly out to Utah and throw you a shower myself if that's your only option.  Tell your MIL she should consider throwing your  niece a "checking into rehab" party instead.  Seriously, though, as crappy as her situation is right now, try to keep the focus on how loved and awesome your little nuclear family is and will continue to be.  There's no need to let that negativity sink in (even though I know it's hard not to) and spoil your time right now.  She's going to need even more support than she could ever realize pretty soon, and she is incredibly lucky to have such a supportive and loving aunt to be a great role model for her. 

Dharmatron

This is a really terrible situation. I think the best thing to do is talk to your MIL about not having a joint shower so you can get that stress off your mind. After settling that situation, you may need more time to process your niece's pregnancy. Since you are still feeling emotional about it, you may not want to talk to her for a while. Once you've had some time to deal with everything then maybe you can offer her your support and assistance.

rainbowdashh

My mom was 16 when I was born. She was scared. Really scared. Even if your niece is acting like she isn't, she probably is. She needs support even if you don't agree with her decision. My mom said she did a lot of growing up in her 9 months of pregnancy. Not everyone ends up like the train wrecks on Teen Mom.

That being said, I would talk to your MIL about the shower. I wouldn't really like that, either.

lellymine

jshrop said:

I agree with @mrsdbc. This really blows. I'd vote no to the joint shower (you can blame it on she needs a special day) and talk to your family or friends about it. As for the situation, it certainly isn't ideal. However, I am the child of a young mother. It doesn't necessarily have to end up like something from a shitty MTV series.

I hope this hasn't come off like I'm against all young mothers. There are lots that become really mature and are great mothers. My niece is very immature and I can't see her being able to be a good mom. She's been trying to get her mother to let her live with the boyfriend for months. Every time she's told no she does something drastic. Before this she filed a false police report that her step-dad had raped her because she thought the police would take her out of the home and place her with the boyfriend. She's a very manipulative and confused girl.

mrscbrad

First, I hope she understands that no one would describe being a SAHM at 16 "fun". Rewarding, maybe, fulfilling possibly but definitely harder than your usual "fun". I'm so sorry for all of you. I would probably turn down the joint shower and just be proud of myself for not throwing a hissy fit. You are right to be upset and I hope when the euphoria ends she is able to ask for sound advice. Hang in there!

hscoggins

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would be livid, too. It's hard to not want to scream your opinions when you tried so hard to achieve something that someone else who is irresponsible and selfish could obtain so easily.

I agree with the other PP's that refusing a joint shower is reasonable and I would do the same. Tell your MIL how you feel.

lellymine

mrsdbc said:

lellymine said:

emilyh107 said:

That's really sad, I'm sorry. Why did she drop out of high school? There is no reason that she can't finish up school. That baby doesn't need 2 high school drop outs as parents.

Also- HELL no to the joint baby shower. If they want to throw her one fine, but I would NOT be ok with having a baby shower with her.

She said she wants to be a stay at home mom so school will get in the way of that.

Sorry but that made me go puppy face. Unless bf is going to make booko bucks she is going to need a job and not having a degree is not going to help.
As with tge shower I would say turn it down or with your aunts just have tgat side and friends.

Sadly, he won't. He can't/won't keep a job longer than a few months. He gets mad at being bossed around and she encourages him to quit because "you're way too good for working that construction job" ugh. They're both so freaking immature!

megzep

lellymine said:

First of all, this is a really crappy situation.  I don't understand why they both dropped out of high school.  How do they plan to pay for the child?

I would talk to my MIL and explain to her that you don't feel comfortable having a shower with your 16 yo niece as well.  Then she can decide to throw them separate, or you could just decline.  I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your MIL, but if you have a close relationship with her, I don't see how she wouldn't understand your decision.

Her boyfriend dropped out a few years ago (I think he's about 20 now) because he's lazy. She's dropping out because "it'll be so fun to be a SAHM and school will just get in the way of that."

bebemac

Oh man, this is so rough for you to be a witness to, sorry you're having to deal with it. I think it is quite reasonable for you to not want a joint shower and I would absolutely decline it. Hands down, no questions asked.

I don't know if, at this point, it would do you any good for her to know that you don't support her keeping the baby. If she's bound and determined to keep it and knows she wants it, it may create an unnecessary rift between you two. Is there any way you can put a positive spin on this and take her under your wing and be a positive influence in her life, if not for her or her loser boyfriend, but for the baby?

Hairstylist16

I'm so sorry your having to deal with this during what's suppose to be the happiest time if your life. I feel your pain though, I went through a similar situation with my husbands nephew. And of course my MIL thought that to make the situation better they needed to get married and were divorced before they made it a year. Now the mother ran off and cps decided that the nephew was the best parent and gave the baby to him and all he does all day is smoke pot and play video games, never finished high school or gotten his drivers license.

lellymine

bebemac said:

Oh man, this is so rough for you to be a witness to, sorry you're having to deal with it. I think it is quite reasonable for you to not want a joint shower and I would absolutely decline it. Hands down, no questions asked.

I don't know if, at this point, it would do you any good for her to know that you don't support her keeping the baby. If she's bound and determined to keep it and knows she wants it, it may create an unnecessary rift between you two. Is there any way you can put a positive spin on this and take her under your wing and be a positive influence in her life, if not for her or her loser boyfriend, but for the baby?

I should, I know that'd be the right thing to do. I'm just so mad right now. Mad for myself, for her, for the baby I feel like I can't see straight. I hope that after the initial shock of it wears off I'll be able to be more positive about it and help her because now I feel like the worse aunt in the world for being so bitter. Then I think about swapping pregnancy woes with my niece and I get all fired up again. :-S

LegalLadyBug

I do remember your earlier post, I'm sad to hear she was able to convince her bf that having a baby at 16 is a good idea.

I honestly don't blame you for not wanting to share a shower. You two are at completely different places in your lives and I don't know...I would be angry too. You should each get your own showers IMO.

I understand what others are saying about being a role model, and I agree. However, if I remember right, she's not the kind of girl that would listen or really care, so it may just be a waste of time. Try to focus on you and baby.

Sareynoo

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I remember your post from a while ago about her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting your own shower, having to share with a teenager would piss me the f off.. It's a party for YOU. You don't need to share that day with anyone, it's all about you and your baby.
Dropping out of school is the worst decision she could make right now, how does she think she is going to support her family? Minimum wage jobs and welfare checks? That won't cut it.
Instead of saying that you don't support her keeping her baby, try to be a little supportive.. Just let her know that she's making the wrong decision by quitting school, ask her how she is going to provide for her kid, let her know she will not live a happy and comfortable life if she is always struggling financially (she will)and tell her not to depend on her boyfriend because he WILL leave. Just a shitty situation all around.

abastian00

What an awful situation all over - I'm so sorry. I agree with PP that you shouldn't have to share your shower. You deserve to have these special times to celebrate your pregnancy all to yourself.

I also am sad for your niece, and I'm sure I would be reacting the same way. I sincerely hope that she decides to finish her education and that her boyfriend surprises us all by ponying up and being a great father and partner to your cousin! I also hope for both of them that there are other family members who can pitch in and help support them over the next few years, which will be trying for us all already!

sumochik

Lots of people would love to be a SAHM, but financially or other reasons don't allow it. Usually someone is mature enough to realize that and make the right decision for their family.
I don't think you should have to share your baby shower with ANYONE for ANY reason. I wouldn't even bring up my true feelings about the situation, it sounds like it would make it worse. Your day is your day. Your pregnancy is yours as well. Don't let her take anything away from you, especially not your happiness and joy for what you went through so much for.

quinnlucas6118

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's a no go on the joint shower.  First, I do not feel it's appropriate to have a joint shower with someone that age and in that situation and someone in your situation.  I think she should think this through more, there is nothing in common between you two other than the family connection and interactions are going to be awkward and probably upsetting at times.  I would talk to her and decline it if she still does not see the issue.  Hopefully soon, her decision to have a child this young and in her situation will begin to set in as it will become more real and maybe she will grow up.  Try to relax and take some time for yourself right now, I know it's hard, and if you have to not communicate with that part of the family for a few days to relieve some stress then do that.  You need to take care of yourself and enjoy your miracle.  

JulieSmiles

I don't have anything to add that PP haven't already said. I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry she is going through this.

TheMrs820

Well said mizoo.

MNOpea

I am so sorry. I can relate to your feelings as a few short months after announcing our pregnancy with DS my DH's then 17 year old niece announced her pregnancy. Everyone in his family fawned over her and how great it was etc etc, while we sat dumbfounded.. Then right after we announced we were pregnant with this baby, we found out she is also pregnant! When she first found out she didn't even know who the dad was. I struggle a lot with the positive attention she receives for her bad choices when DH and I work hard to make responsible choices. Sorry didn't mean to make this about me, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I would also decline a joint shower.

iris427

If you don't want the joint shower, you can decline it. But that may mean you just don't get a shower with that side of the family and the corresponding gifts. I wouldn't want a joint shower in that situation either, although at least it sounds like it won't be your only shower--you are still having another one just for you right? I don't think it is your place to tell her you don't approve of her keeping the baby. I do think you could talk to her more about the financial realities of her choice in hopes she might see the light--but don't count on it. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to make their own mistakes in life and sadly they sometimes drag innocent children along with them.

justme04

You should refuse to share a shower. You don't want her immature high school friends at your shower and your friends don't need to be subjected to attending a shower for a 16 year old or feel that they will have to bring her a gift as is often the case at joint showers.

elittler

justme04 said:

You should refuse to share a shower. You don't want her immature high school friends at your shower and your friends don't need to be subjected to attending a shower for a 16 year old or feel that they will have to bring her a gift as is often the case at joint showers.

I didn't even think about the fact that a joint shower probably means bringing both mamas gifts. I would decline the joint shower. After all your hard work to have a baby you deserve a shower all your own. I also agree with what everyone else has said. I wouldn't put too much energy in trying to change the way she sees her situation just yet- sounds like she's not ready to hear it.

nunzchucks

I'd decline the joint shower, too.  Other than that - *hugs*

AshB11

Just decline the joint shower. Nbd.

flerlgirl

You are under no obligation to have a joint shower. 

As for what to tell your niece - I wouldn't say anything. She has made her choice and personally it sounds like you could talk till you're blue in the face and not change her mind. 

Tinlig

I don't think you should be mad that you have to "share" your pregnancy with your niece. You seem to be more mad, sad, whatever feeling at her for getting pregnant easily when you struggled to conceive. That's not a reason to be mad at her. Instead of being mad, be a role model. Guide her, lead her. Something is going on with her internally for her to actively try to get pregnant at such a young age.

LEO2010

I remember your earlier posts- what a horrible horrible situation to go through especially when you should be able to focus on your new beautiful family.

I echo everyone else on the baby shower- hell no would I want to share my shower with anyone! It's supposed to be a day to celebrate you and your LO- we only get a few days like that in our whole lives and you deserve to have all the attention on you.

I would talk to my mil and tell her a resounding no! If she pushes back, you might have to forgo a shower with that side of the family, but I'm with pp that said she'll throw you a shower

As for the rest of it- you absolutely have the right to be angry and feel the way you do. I would stay away from the inlaws until I felt calmer and better able to deal with the situation. My in laws are not easy people to be around and every time they pull some shitty stunt I tell DH I just need a break for a while. It helps me gain perspective and calm my raging nerves. I hope you are able to vent and get some compassion from your family- I know talking to my mom about how crappy the inlaws are often makes me feel better... Or at least not alone.

Vent away here too- we are definitely here for you! Hugs!!!

PinkKEL9

That is a really sad situation. You do NOT need to have a shower with her. I would decline. 

Kinipela7

Decline the shower.  I think it's weird to have joint showers, regardless of the situation but maybe that's just me.

I do not understand most of the rest of your post though.  Not all teen moms are train wrecks.  Sometimes all it takes it for that baby to come into their life to get their stuff together.  Just because they are immature now doesn't mean they always will be.  Give them a chance.  Also, just because she is young doesn't mean she does not deserve a shower.  I'm not saying her choices are smart by any means, but I think it is unfair for you to have some much hate against her because she is pregnant at 16. 

Shineoncrazy

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and totally understand why you are upset that she's pregnant. Based on your previous post, it sounds as though she's out of control and is likely not mature enough to handle the responsibility of caring for/loving a human being. I hope she grows up for everyone's sake (especially her LO).

As far as a joint shower...absolutely not. I think it's crazy that this was even posed as a viable prospect, and I don't think showing equal amounts of excitement is warranted given this specific situation.

b48kate

Call me crazy, but I don't think that there is such a thing a thing as a 16 year old SAHM. I think of SAHMs as having made a career choice. What she will be is a stay at home high school dropout. Unacceptable. Who in the family will be financially supporting this decision?

My mother had my sister at 17, graduated from high school, went on to graduate magma cum laude from university, and did it all without my sister's father. She worked the entire time...it can be done. What you sacrifice is any semblance of a social life. It takes maturity.

Lellymine, I've read your other posts so I know you are really very sweet. You are justified in desiring a baby shower free from these shenanagians. Don't feel bad about it!