5.4K and devastated

IRR · January 2014

OK, I know I am not on this board as much anymore and I do update those of you who have been pulling for us, to keep you in the loop, but I just have to know who are all of you reading my post and not commenting? Obviously more than 5,000 of you. I figure if I put the word devastated in my title again, perhaps some of you will actually comment this time on the fascination of my post or others who are going through a really hard time.

Dr.Loretta · January 2014

I'm pretty sure there's a site glitch that sometimes bumps up the post count. Plus I can speak for myself that as a responder I've checked back on the post for updates several times

IRR · January 2014

Dr L. I am sure people will check back the posts and maybe even respond twice, but that number was really high so that even those that responded and checked back even 10-20 times, still shows many more "peepers". Even with a glitch, I was just curious to see if any of the "peepers" would respond. Have a great day!

25thHour · January 2014

I will admit to being one of those peepers. I am a teacher and originally started reading this board for information when one of my students was being adopted through foster care and continued to look as my brother in law and his partner are looking into adoption. Your story devastated me. I couldn't help but hope that it would all turn out to be a mistake and you would get the baby back. I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else on this board for being a "peeper" but I do hope that I haven't.

IRR · January 2014

25thHour said:

I will admit to being one of those peepers. I am a teacher and originally started reading this board for information when one of my students was being adopted through foster care and continued to look as my brother in law and his partner are looking into adoption. Your story devastated me. I couldn't help but hope that it would all turn out to be a mistake and you would get the baby back. I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else on this board for being a "peeper" but I do hope that I haven't.

I am not at all offended, I am just curious who you lurkers are. Fred and Dr. L, you both "know" me and is one of the reasons I post updates. I appreciate those who read, send hugs, empathy, whatever, it the others that make me curious and 25thhour, I so appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you are a peeper. So thank you! Just wondering if there will be others who "come out of the closet". I love that others read the adoption board to learn more whether for themselves family or friends. The more educated people are about adoption and the process (both good and bad) only helps the overall understanding, so I do think it is a good thing. It was just the high number of readers that baffles me on the "sad" posts.

IRR · January 2014

Spooko said:

I'm so sorry. I know I'm guilty of checking back a lot, too.

Spooko, you are the peeps who respond i the first place, again if everyone who replied checked back 50 times, it still doesn't equal the number of views. No need to for regulars to apologize, even peepers don't need to apologize just wondering if they will identify themselves.

bumpuser794640 · January 2014

Dr.Loretta said:
I'm pretty sure there's a site glitch that sometimes bumps up the post count. Plus I can speak for myself that as a responder I've checked back on the post for updates several times

This is me, too. Also I'm sure there are a lit of ladies who read posts on multiple boards without ever commenting, especially posts which seem to be about bad news. :-/

Sunglow28 · January 2014

Lurker here. My husband and I were strongly considering adoption before our sons were born, and still feel that adopting/fostering may be in our future, so I've been reading this board for some time now. I admit that I was rooting so hard for you; that this child might be the one! I understand that the birth parent had an impossibly hard decision to make but I kept checking back to be sure that she had not changed her mind again.

I just wanted you to know that the internet people are thinking of you.

pleasebeonsale · January 2014

Hmm, this post made me go back and look, and it's true that just about any title that looks like it might be bad news has way more views. If I ever need advice on something I'll be sure to make it sound as heartwrenching as possible.

Kburchie · January 2014

I'm a lurker too. My husband and I plan to adopt in the future and I love coming to this board to learn about the process. Sometimes I question whether I am strong enough or adoption, and what you went through was as bad as it gets. Like a PP said, I was checking in hoping that it was all a mistake, but also to see if you left any insight to how one deals with that heartbreak. I know that how you grieve is none of my business. But as someone considering coming into this process I am curious to see how people handle the good the bad and the ugly.

I hope that is clear and doesn't sound like I'm gauking. Just trying to figure out if I could get through what you are going through now.

Best (and peaceful) wishes to you and your family.

MrsMuenich · January 2014

I lurked for months, but that was more going into hiding (I used to be srmmm09). Then, when we started moving in our adoption again, I'd forgotten my password and email! So here we are. I'm still rooting for you, IRR. It would take a really wounded and hurting person to not be.

wildmaybe · January 2014

I am A lurker... I have been for months... Sorry.. I have one adopted son and hopefully Adopting another .. I havent posted because I wasnt sure I was ready to say hay look at me I am doing it again.. I am 43 almost 44 and Most frown on the fact that I am still wanting another baby.. LAst adopt child is 7 now and he wants a brother or sister.. I feel badly for alot of the people on this Board and wished that when I was younger I would have never tied my tubes .. I would have tried to give the world as many babies and I could .. That being said Yes I am looking and yes I am reading posts .. Good luck to all of you..

IRR · January 2014

Thanks ladies who came out of the woodwork! I really do appreciate the comments and thanks for answering my curiosity. Its part of why I loved this group, I just really hate the "new" set up. And I do appreciate the support I receive from everyone. Will definitely keep you posted on where we head next. Jalara has inspired us to start looking at surrogacy in India, but much more research is needed to figure out the right path for us to becoming parents.

ThereBeDragons · January 2014

I lurk. There was a time when adoption was on our radar and I lurked often enough to want updates on the posters I saw. There are some very long timers on this board and though adoption has been off the table for us for a long while- I still check over to see how those folks are doing.

And in the process read a few other posts, which make me want to read the follow ups.

But I don't have any advice or hope to offer because I haven't been through the same things. And from someone who's had terrible things happen in public here on the bump- I know better than to bumble my way through condolences or advice if I have no relevant experience. And I know my sig might be hard to see when things don't go right.

So I lurk. And my heart breaks for you (and others). I just don't want to make it harder on you by spouting off some supposedly comforting but ultimately hollow tripe.

IdigDirt · January 2014

I am a semi lurker. I read the posts and always wish you guys all the best but I feel like I never have anything productive to add.

MileHighMaam · January 2014

I'm new. I lurked for a while and read quite a few posts. I don't fell I 'know' people enough to necessarily comment on everything, especially older posts. I am going to try and be more active here.

CarolinaGirl2014 · January 2014

You've been on my mind and heart a lot @IRR, especially over the past week as I placed my baby and left the hospital empty-handed. I know your heart hurts, and I pray that the healing is fast for you. I truly hope surrogacy is a smooth path to your miracle.

pleasebeonsale · January 2014

IRR said:

Thanks ladies who came out of the woodwork! I really do appreciate the comments and thanks for answering my curiosity. Its part of why I loved this group, I just really hate the "new" set up. And I do appreciate the support I receive from everyone. Will definitely keep you posted on where we head next. Jalara has inspired us to start looking at surrogacy in India, but much more research is needed to figure out the right path for us to becoming parents.

I'm very curious about surrogacy in India, so update with what you learn!

RondackHiker · January 2014

I lurk this board a lot because we plan to adopt #3, but we're still many years out so I don't comment.

I read your original post and should have offered sympathy rather than lurking and adding to the views. Depending on the title of the post, you can also get views from google searches as well.

summergirl79 · January 2014

also someone checking back....I post but not often but like feeling connected to this community.

Pinksparkle28 · January 2014

Lurker here. After infertility for long time we finally had DS. I did foster for a while, but still think of adoption a lot. It's insightful reading the board, and learning about the process good and bad. I did follow your story hoping for a happy ending. Since I'm not a regular poster here, I didn't think I should comment.

beachbum4304 · January 2014

I lurk here. Sometimes I want to post but we adopted a 3 yo from the Philippines and there seems to be so many dia or foster to adopt I'm not sure I would fit in. But I like to see everyone's stories!

annalisel · January 2014

I also contributed at least a few views, including one last new one to make sure I had replied. I kept looking because 1. I was hoping you'd have an update and 2. I was interested in reading other people's replies.

We are also doing independent DIA and feel some affinity towards your situation. I wish you nothing but the best.

Shel77 · January 2014

adoptee and long time lurker. I've never posted here but try to follow every one's journey. FWIW, you've been in my thoughts for the last several months and still rooting for you from my corner of the triad.

coming here is the first time that I've really been able to begin to understand the depth of my parents' and first mother's struggles.

msditz00 · January 2014

It took me multiple times to reply to your last post (IE wouldn't work, had to switch to a device with Chrome), so I know I checked a few times. Actually I am now realizing I'm not positive my post went through on the last one. So I will say it again - I am so sorry for everything you are going through. It is everyone's biggest fear (one I've been living with for the last 6 weeks now, so I know it well). I hope that you will continue to let us show you support through this awful time.

emme022 · January 2014

I'm also a lurker and checked your post a few times. My cousins were put into foster care when I was also young and were eventually adopted and recently got back in touch with my family so I was curious about how the whole process works. And I realized there is a lot I didn't know about fostering and adoption so have stuck around to learn more.

Honestly I was hoping there would be an update with good news, that maybe the mom had changed her mind again and you had the baby back or I don't know just something, I can't even imagine how painful it all must have been, especially with your previous experience.

I don't post because I feel like I don't belong here and don't have anything helpful to add. Sorry

cedenton · January 2014

I'm a lurker. I've posted here once or twice, but I am not adopting or have any tie to adoption. It's just something that fascinates me. I've been lurking for a very long time and read most of the posts.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured.

kushie77 · January 2014

Semi lurker here. I peeked while at work. Can look but not post from work, then once I was home tried to find the right words being as they were coming from a complete stranger and failed.

I'll leave you with a creepy internet stranger hug. You've been on my mind and H & I have been praying for you and all the other families on this board.

robyn2201 · January 2014

I am one of those lurkers. My DH and I have talked about fostering a LO in a few years, so I have come here to read up about it and adoption. I haven't posted on this board, because it's so far off and may not even be something we actually do.

So, I did read your post and checked back for updates. I am so sorry for everything that you and your DH have gone through. Wishing you the best in the future, whatever it may be!

ppants · January 2014

I'm a lurker. My dear friend is fostering to adopt and not on TB. I don't comment, but you ladies are in my thoughts and prayers.

KaliChick · January 2014

I admit to being a dirty lurker. My DS is the result of IVF so I started lurking when we were TTC. More than that though, I own a preschool. I currently have a foster to adopt family and am about to have a second. I've had other foster families as well. And a few adopted.

I have learned so much from you ladies and have a better understanding of what my families have and are going through.

And through all of that, I have come to root for so many of you ... I continue to keep you in my thoughts. I don't post because I feel that my comments would be more hurtful than helpful but please know my intentions are good and I'm not here to gawk.

Twirple · January 2014

I am another lurker. I have always been interested in adoption, ever since I was in elementary school and a family down the street adopted sisters from Korea. Unfortunately DH is not on board. I have known BM's, Adoptees and Adoptive parents. I have been lurking on this board for over 3 years now, and was really hoping that this match would work out for you.

litzo27 · January 2014

I am a dirty lurker. I have been very regularly lurking on this board for 2 years already and I feel like I know so many of you ladies (and I helped a couple of you with Russian translations - hi Jillian). I lurk because I would love to adopt but DH is not on board in general and is particularly not on board with an adoption from one of the former soviet republics, which is where my heart was longing. Maybe at some point he will be but I really don't know.

IRR I'm sorry my lurking contributed to your pain. Like I said above I have followed your journey for a bit and I kept checking back hoping for a change in news. I'm really sorry.

IRR · January 2014

Appreciate all the lurkers coming forward, it does show the regulars that there are more people reading our posts than we can imagine. Welcome to all of you and thanks for your kinds words. I encourage you to post if there are questions you may have or just to offer encouragement to all of the ladies (or men) going through this process. It certainly is not an easy one. :-c

mtendere · January 2014

I apologize for not responding. I check in via phone and have a terrible time posting. I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you and I wish there were words that could make it better. Somehow I felt anything I could say was trite, but I should've said something.

IRR · January 2014

jalara48 said:

@IRR @pleasebeonsale - I'm always happy to answer any questions you ladies have. I had no idea how big the world of Indian surrogacy is. PM me or email me anytime.

Jalara - can't post on your blog, so excited for you!

pleasebeonsale · January 2014

jalara48 said:

pleasebeonsale said:

IRR said:

Thanks ladies who came out of the woodwork! I really do appreciate the comments and thanks for answering my curiosity. Its part of why I loved this group, I just really hate the "new" set up. And I do appreciate the support I receive from everyone. Will definitely keep you posted on where we head next. Jalara has inspired us to start looking at surrogacy in India, but much more research is needed to figure out the right path for us to becoming parents.

I'm very curious about surrogacy in India, so update with what you learn!

@IRR @pleasebeonsale - I'm always happy to answer any questions you ladies have. I had no idea how big the world of Indian surrogacy is. PM me or email me anytime.

Thanks, J! I'm excited for you and I'm excited to read your blog!

Nicolewinsbingo · January 2014

I lurk! But I don't just read sad posts, I read all of them, except really specific ones like "advice on this particular agency". I am interested in adoption but its not in our family plans at this time. I take an active interest in the topic though & have read several of thebooks recommended in the FAQ. This board is a great place to become more educated on adoption and I'm glad its a public forum....I know as a college student nanny I was guilty of some of the stupid comments and faux pas typical of people uneducated about adoption. (I nannied for two families that did DIA). I'm so sorry for what happened to you, IRR. I didn't comment before bc as others have said, I feel my siggy might seem to undermine my sincerity in offering comfort to those struggling to build a family. As sincerely as I may sympathize with someone in your situation, I think its better to say nothing. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

CaptainSerious · January 2014

Hi, IRR.

I checked into both posts a few times without responding immediately/each time. I want you to know that you remain on my mind and in my prayers. I am so happy to read that, while you may be stepping away from adoption, you aren't giving up hope on having a family altogether. I think that's always my biggest fear when I see people struggling through the process as you have.

With regard to all the lurkers, I think it's morbid curiosity. People are inherently drawn to things that seem too difficult to bear, because it gives them a chance to experience those things from the outside. I think that once a post gets some attention, more people stop in to read it, to make sure they aren't "missing" anything. And, as someone else pointed out, it's possible that off-board readers have found the post, through searches or other means, and that's also drawn the traffic.

I'm sorry that it makes it more difficult, but I do think it's human nature. I have also tried to desensationalize many of my posts, out of fear of who might see them.

I wish you all the best as you move forward. Please let us know how your story unfolds. There are many of us here who really want you to be blessed with life's most perfect happiness.

meliss008 · January 2014

I'm a lurker; I was a social worker with DCF for 7 years and my niece was adopted through DCF as well. IRR- I'm so sorry about everything you and your husband have been through and, like the previous posters, checked back at various times to see if you posted any updates.

thefarmchick · January 2014

I am one of the lurkers. I lurk on everyone's posts on this board. Any views from me are because I genuinely hope for good news and send prayers and good thoughts when things go wrong. I also check back on post to see what people have said after me.

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5.4K and devastated

Re: 5.4K and devastated

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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5.4K and devastated

Re: 5.4K and devastated

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

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March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm