Help and support needed...no judgment please

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

Well, this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I am 13 weeks pregnant with a girl...I'm so excited to be having a daughter. On the day I found out that all was ok with my pregnancy, my 20 year old "son" informed me that he is a transexual. I am devastated. I am shocked as well as I had no clue...all these stories that you hear that you just know something isn't going as planned did not happen with me. He informed me last night that he has been stealing make up from me since he hit puberty.

I am very supportive of my new daughter, but I am struggling with some pretty intense emotions and I just have no clue how to proceed or how to cope in some instances. I have contacted my local PFLAG chapter and am going to the monthly support group for parents next weekend, but until then I am just reeling with conflicting emotions. Happiness about my pregnancy and an overwhelming fear, sadness, and worry for my 20 year old. To make this more complicated, we do not even live in the same state and despite my insisting that she move here she refuses. This scares the holy crap out of me.

I need support and hopefully just hugs and acceptance here I guess. My husband is 100% supportive as well, but I cannot discuss this with my parents or anyone else I am super close to because she has not informed them as of yet. I am just so confused, hurt...and above all worried. I don't expect that anyone here has experience with this as this only happens to about 1 in 300,000 birth born males. I just had all this inside and felt writing would help me release some of the sadness.

Thanks for listening, but I would ask that if you have a problem with transgendered individuals or issues to please respond with sensitivity or not at all. Just keep any and all judgments at bay. This is difficult for me. Thank you.

Beth

JenGin74 · January 2014

I can see how you'd have so many mixed emotions. I imagine that would be expected and I'm glad you've joined a support group because I think that will help you process everything.

My personal feeling is that I think it's wonderful that your child feels free and comfortable enough to be who they feel they were meant to be.

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

I feel pretty fortunate that she felt the courage to come out with it as opposed to the alternative...suicide or heavy drug use.

That being said, I thank you for your reply. I am very conflicted. I am very accepting of my child and just very worried and not sure how to move forward or even help her.

JenGin74 · January 2014

I think for now you should stick with the support group for yourself and let her know that if she ever needs anything or just needs to talk, that you'll be there for her. Maybe just take a step back and let her come to you if she needs you.

Also, when you talk to her, try not to make it the main topic of conversation all the time. I'm thinking that might put her at ease if she doesn't feel like that's all you're focused on now, you know?

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

That's very good advice. I know the last couple of days I have had tons of questions. She has been good about answering but now I think we just need to maintain and try to relate. I mean she is the same person I've always known anyway.

jensavicci · January 2014

I can understand the shock (after all you raised him as a masculine human being, im assuming, for 18 years. The sudden change would be shocking for anyone) and it is so heartwarming to know that both you and DH are supportive but, I don't understand why you are hurt/devastated/saddened by it. She's still your child. She just wants to change her sex organs and perhaps be feminine. In fact, if you happen to be a feminine woman yourself, I'd think of it as a great bonding opportunity! I hope you can learn to see this in a positive light because it really is a positive thing, especially for your daughter.

ksuRN09 · January 2014

I truly think you are being a wonderful mother and I admire that. I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster you're going through right now and I think a support group for yourself is an excellent step. There are so many parents that would turn their backs and write off their child but to be feeling everything that you are and still be supportive and accepting of your daughter says a lot about you, as a person and a mother.

I agree with PP about trying to treat your daughter like the person she's always been. You don't and won't have to wrap your head around this in a matter of days. It's going to take some time and that's ok. Right now, just be her rock and I think you'll show her that you're going to be there for her no matter what.

bewilderingstar · January 2014

Congratulations to your daughter for feeling brave enough to tell her family. It's a VERY hard thing to go through. You feel as though you are living a lie your ENTIRE life and that you have been put in the wrong body. I too am glad she came out rather than the dark dark alternative. Just remember, she is the same person as she was before she came out. She is just being honest with you. Treat her the same. Love her the same. Support her while she goes through the transition. It's going to be a long road for her.

You should see if there are support groups for parents of transexuals in your area. If you have any questions about transexuals, you can always PM me. I have a friend who went through the transition and is now living as a woman.

allardr · January 2014

Just think how important & supportive you've been in your child's life up until this point that she feel comfortable enough sharing with you. And I know you're struggling but I'm so happy that you and your husband are being supportive. It breaks my heart when I hear stories of parents "disowning" their kids. GL!

BoraBoraBaby · January 2014

I have no experience with this but I can tell you I would be feeling every last bit of what you're probably feeling right now. I don't understand how science does this and it breaks my heart to think if anyone uncomfortable in their skin. You're being so supportive even though this comes as a total shock. It'll probably take a while to come to terms with and that's okay. I'm proud that you are the kind of mother who your child can be so open with. That says a lot about you.

nicole336 · January 2014

jensavicci said:

I can understand the shock (after all you raised him as a masculine human being, im assuming, for 18 years. The sudden change would be shocking for anyone) and it is so heartwarming to know that both you and DH are supportive but, I don't understand why you are hurt/devastated/saddened by it. She's still your child. She just wants to change her sex organs and perhaps be feminine. In fact, if you happen to be a feminine woman yourself, I'd think of it as a great bonding opportunity! I hope you can learn to see this in a positive light because it really is a positive thing, especially for your daughter.

I think the sadness/grieving is normal- she is "losing" the male child and the life she had imagined for him. I think it takes time to adjust. That being said, you (op) sound like you are doing your best to be supportive and I think attending a support group is a great idea. It will help you move from those feelings of loss to acceptance and embracing your "new" daughter. I wish you and your family peace and happiness as you all adjust to this new stage in your relationship. *hugs*

pfeilele · January 2014

I think you're a wonderful person. Grieving the loss of the son you raised is, in my opinion, a very normal thing. It seems like you'll have no problem getting through this, and it might make the relationship with your daughter stronger. Best wishes to you and your changing family

lamarei · January 2014

Way to go mama! Unconditional love for out children is so hard when things don't go according to OUR plan. You must have done something right for her to tell you so quickly. Praying for you and your family. There is more support out there than you think.

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

I will take you up on that! Hey I was talking to get last night and she told me she was having a hard time affording make up so I am gonna send her some. I am all kinds of mixed emotions but in a way feel so much closer to her now bc she is honest! I am so glad for you guys here.

Ylvelill · January 2014

I can only echo everything that has been said here. It is a tough thing to have to go through for everyone involved. My family is currently dealing with a similar situation and it has caused tension and division

I commend you for being strong for your daughter.

*hugs*

rach1285 · January 2014

Just to add another perspective, it took your daughter "20" years to wrap her head around how she was feeling and to get to a point of comfort and confidence to share. consider this when setting expectations for yourself about processing. Love and an open ear are the best for her right now.

emy730 · January 2014

Wow, you are a fantastic mother! I think it's wonderful that you are supporting and loving your daughter no matter what. She will continue to need your support as she continues in this journey, so I also think going to the support groups for family is a great idea for you.

Good luck with everything!

TugboatSheila · January 2014

My first reaction was that you had already started referring to her as "she and her" and that to me spoke to your character. There are some who would refuse to offer this simple courtesy and continue to refer to her as "he and him". That is a sign, to me, that you are a supportive mom who just wants her child to be happy. I don't have a personal experience with this but I just wanted to say that joining groups, educating yourself, loving your daughter and supporting her during this time is exactly what a mom should do.

I hope your relationship continues to grow and strengthen inside and outside of what your daughter is now going through and I can imagine that having you in her corner will make a world of difference.

Keep it up mama.

TricksyPixie · January 2014

All the pp have said anything I could have said. But I will say you are doing great, and I am so happy you are so accepting and reaching out to understand your daughter and her situation. Carry on with love and light, all shall be well.

keshupe29 · January 2014

I think that the fact you are acknowledging this and seeking support is a great first step! When I was younger I had a family member come out as gay at 22 years old. Though it was hard to hear I decided to be a supporter for them. What happened with this is we grew extremely close. Thru him I met a lot of transgender, gay, etc. and realized they all had something in common. It isn't something that they "choose" it is something they are born with and cannot fight. and though the lifestyle may be hard on you, it comes with a tremendous amount of internal conflicts for them. Taking the 20 years for your daughter to tell you this probably reflects her internal challenge as well! And the fact she came to you is a good sign!! I recommend you getting the help you need and standing by her side. I heard numerous stories of those who did not have supportive families and chose other avenues to cope. (Drugs, alcohol etc.). Stay strong!! For your daughter and you LO on the way!!

SuperTinkerham · January 2014

Hugs to you. You're going to get through this and hopefully have a better relationship with your daughter. Sounds like you're making good first steps. Best wishes to her, you and your whole family.

andyandrachel · January 2014

You are taking a huge first step in going to the support group. It is so wonderful to hear that both you and your husband are supportive in this difficult time, for your daughter and your family.

cuntasaurusrex · January 2014

You're an awesome mom. Keep doing that and you and your new daughter will be just fine

LuluPMW · January 2014

If only everyone could be as ready to love and accept. Your an exceptional Mom. ((Hugs, hugs, hugs))

Salsera29 · January 2014

JP27 said:

My first reaction was that you had already started referring to her as "she and her" and that to me spoke to your character. There are some who would refuse to offer this simple courtesy and continue to refer to her as "he and him". That is a sign, to me, that you are a supportive mom who just wants her child to be happy. I don't have a personal experience with this but I just wanted to say that joining groups, educating yourself, loving your daughter and supporting her during this time is exactly what a mom should do.

I hope your relationship continues to grow and strengthen inside and outside of what your daughter is now going through and I can imagine that having you in her corner will make a world of difference.

Keep it up mama.

This is exactly what I was thinking. OP I dont have personal experience on thism but I just wanted to agree with what others have said. I think it's ok to go through a grieving process and it says a lot that your daughter felt comfortable enough to come out to you. ::hugs::

Salsera29 · January 2014

Oh also OP...don't worry about people who may be judgemental of transsexuals. If anyone dared go there on this board, they would be ripped to shreads.

chrinikki1 · January 2014

I LOVE your willingness to take care of yourself in this, as well your daughter. I can add a little different perception than what most have written. The support group will allow you to feel accepted and loved and allow you to hear/feel what others have gone through to relate. The problem with support groups is that it typically takes some time to voice your true TRUE thoughts and feelings. I highly suggest going to a psychotherapist for yourself (and DH) to help the process, at least in the beginning. Group therapy is highly effective but only when you get all your needs met in the group and this can take awhile.

You are an amazingly strong and supportive person! We need more people like you in this world!!

TRS48 · January 2014

I have no experience with this in particular but have dealt with other immediate family circumstances that affected me strongly in many ways (mentally, emotionally, etc)- I finally sought counseling with a person who specializes in the subject matter and it helped tremendously. I strongly recommend it. Best wishes to you & your family!

Ecomom17 · January 2014

First of all, BRAVO to you for immediately beginning to refer to your "new" daughter as "her." I agree that that speaks volumes about your character. How wonderful that you are so willing to be accepting of this even as you are just beginning to process your feelings about it.

Secondly, I think it is completely normal to have all sorts of feelings about this. Don't beat yourself up for whatever you feel. It makes sense that you will probably grieve the son you raised but celebrate the daughter he's probably always been. I also suggest joining a support group and seeing a therapist as I'm sure it will help you wrap your brain around this whole thing.

As far as how you can "help" her, I think the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open and be there for her. I think sending her some makeup will mean a lot to her. I also think it's amazing that your husband is also being so supportive. From what I've heard from friends who've come out, the same-sex parent often has the hardest time with it.

Please keep us updated!

Also, I agree; if anyone came on here being all gross and judgmental about trans/bi/gay/whatever folks, well, it wouldn't be pretty for that person. You have our support.

Also, not gonna lie--this totally made me cry. All parents should be this supportive of their kids!

emineminem · January 2014

This brought tears to my eyes! All I can do is agree with everyone else that you are doing a great job. It's a huge adjustment and you sound like you're doing exactly the right things for you both. It's different, but my best friend in HS is transitioning from FTM, and it was hard for me to adjust, not because I was judging him, but because I felt so ignorant as to how to approach talking to him about it. Don't be afraid to ask questions - It's great you guys are communicating and that you're being so supportive!

SherylA80 · January 2014

Are you confused and worried because you fear your child will be teased and hurt, or because you are very unfamiliar with whats going on?

As a parent we want whats best for our children. I think the best thing for you is to talk about it with her and try to understand whats going on with her transition and it probably wouldn't hurt for her to talk with you too. Anything you are confused and worried about will be resolved. The good thing is that your child is 20 and you have the ability to talk to your child like an adult. Just be open and honest and try to understand what she is going through and this could help you as well. Most important is love and giving each other especially your self time to figure things out because things are very different for both of you now.

I have no experiences with this particular situation however; when i told my mom at 16 that i was bisexual it took a lot of time and communication and things worked out in the end.As long as she is happy and I know she will be okay, and so will you.

I hope this will lead you in the right direction. Communication is the most powerful tool we have as humans and giving it time is the key to making it work.

~Good Luck

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

The out pouring of support here has made my day so much better. I love all of you and I don't even know ya *giggles

I love all the advice you've given and plan to take it and run.

Thanks again for all the support and love. I appreciate it.

Ktgirl1226 · January 2014

Hugs to you. I think you should feel proud to have raised such a strong person, since suicide and drugs are more common outlets. You should also feel good about the open lines of communiction you both have especially since you live in different places. Its wonderful that you are supportive and I think a support group will help you maintsin that supportive nature.

V1981 · January 2014

:x I just wanted to add I think you're an awesome mom. If everybody boy or girl - born that way or not - had a mom like you, we'd see so much less sadness on the news. You're awesome.

I hope we can all be that loving if ever our children came and opened up to us.

thecatsmeow1972 · January 2014

SherylA80 said:

Are you confused and worried because you fear your child will be teased and hurt, or because you are very unfamiliar with whats going on?
As a parent we want whats best for our children. I think the best thing for you is to talk about it with her and try to understand whats going on with her transition and it probably wouldn't hurt for her to talk with you too. Anything you are confused and worried about will be resolved. The good thing is that your child is 20 and you have the ability to talk to your child like an adult. Just be open and honest and try to understand what she is going through and this could help you as well. Most important is love and giving each other especially your self time to figure things out because things are very different for both of you now.
I have no experiences with this particular situation however; when i told my mom at 16 that i was bisexual it took a lot of time and communication and things worked out in the end.As long as she is happy and I know she will be okay, and so will you.
I hope this will lead you in the right direction. Communication is the most powerful tool we have as humans and giving it time is the key to making it work.
~Good Luck

I am worried most about her being harassed, outcast, or worse subject to physical violence. I am there for my daughter and always have been. I indicated to her when she came out to me that I love her anyway. She talked to me a bit more about what was going on with her and my response was, I love you anyway. She said, "I knew you'd accept me." That was a very proud parent moment. One I cannot just share with anyone. Even though I love her anyway, I know the world can sometimes be unkind. Just keep her in your prayers and thanks for the thoughtful response...from all of you.

Today, I went baby shopping and focused a little on my other daughter. I am trying hard to make sure they both get the attention they need. With this going on it's been hard to focus on the pregnancy but today, I managed to do that and not feel guilty. Of course, shopping made me think back a bit and then a little teary eyed, but I just patted my tummy and thought to my baby...you have an amazing big sister waiting to welcome you into the world

michellexm · January 2014

I don't have too much to say, but I think you are heading in the right direction, starting with PFLAG. The best thing you can do for your child is to offer your unending love and support, and let them know that you think they are wonderful, regardless of how they view their gender.

Total acceptance may take time, but I'd suggest faking it until you make it. You'll get there. Trust you raised your child right and they will turn out ok, no matter what! That they told you shows they care enough to let you know what's going on with them. You are a good mom. Otherwise you wouldn't even be asking this question.

You might also consider some bonding time, teaching her how to use makeup, get a manicure or pedicure, etc. She's probably feeling like she missed out on some of the "girly secrets" to being pretty and if you can share these, it might be very appreciated and show your acceptance outwardly.

PenelopeSnuz77 · January 2014

I don't have direct experience with this, but reading your story has really impacted me. Your daughter is so lucky to have your support through this!

mamabc14 · January 2014

I'm not personally in your situation but I have at least 10 lgbt family members and I can honestly say that what you are doing is what its needed: supporting your daughter. the responses on this post could never validate your feelings, that can only be in you and your daughters hearts, but we all obviously think you are doing an amazing job. keep being an amazing mom!.

Kabee4 · January 2014

I'm impressed by your love and support.

My husbands childhood best friend came out as a female when we were in college. They had lost touch for awhile as she went out of state. The way she shared with friends was through friending them on Facebook with her new profile as a female. It was shocking for my husband as they shared so many childhood experiences as boys. My husband was supportive as is his family.

She has not come home and spent time with us as a female. I just wonder if she is uncomfortable coming back to the town she grew up in or just happy where she is living now. Her family is very supportive of her too so I know she is welcomed by them with loving arms.

I guess I was sharing to say be prepared for how friends and extended family react. Be ready to support her through it as I'm sure it will be an emotional time.

BBColt78 · January 2014

What an amazing parent! You have gotten some really, really great advice, but I just wanted to add that I think you are doing wonderful job.

I too was going to add that the sadness you may feel is because it feels like you are losing some of the person that you knew. That is totally normal. I know a few others mentioned it, but I wanted to add it as well.

Lots of hugs to you!

mamakiss · January 2014

The only thing you need to be upset over is the way people will react to her being trans*. Society is , unfortunately, still pretty horrible with it. She is lucky to have accepting parents who support her and will be joining a support group to work out (completely normal) feelings. You obviously love your child very much, you're just gonna have to prove it a bit more for a while. Best of luck to you and your entire family!

Help and support needed...no judgment please

Re: Help and support needed...no judgment please

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