Am I over-reacting? WDPT?

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

A little backstory: Im a divorced mom and XH was cheating while married with a client of his and had a baby with her while we were still married and before our divorce was finalized. His girlfriend is now his fiancée and has been for over a year. She sometimes accompanies XH to DD's preschool to pick her up. I was at DD's school a few weeks ago to bake holiday goods and a classmate of DD's said to me, "Where is DD's other mommy?" Needless to say this made me livid. I mean I know that XH's fiancée will soon be my daughters step mom but she will never take my place and be considered another mommy to DD. That is even spelled out in our custody agreement. I responded by telling the child who asked "Oh, that's not her other mommy, that's DD's daddy's girlfriend" and left it at that. DD knows I'm mommy and calls her soon to be step mom by her first name and I guess that's all that matters right? Not what some random 3 year old classmate of DD's thinks.... so what does parenting think?

NotSharknado · December 2013

Um, WHUT? Did it not occur to you that the kid is 3?

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

You really think so JJJH? I mean you are right in one sense...she's 3 so I shouldn't put too much stock into what a 3 y/o thinks.

RondackHiker · December 2013

I might mention to the teachers that they're not to call the other lady DD's mommy. That way the kids don't hear it from them.

That said, I wouldn't assume anyone called her DD's mommy. To a three year old, any grown up lady picking up a friend is likely a grandma or mom. Since she's with DD's dad, it's reasonable that the child decided on her own that the fiancé is DD's other mom. Or that she heard "stepmom" and just used "other mommy".

I'm sorry. It must have really hurt, but you can't control what kids see or hear or come up with.

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

Thanks @Rondack! I will mention it to the school but like others have said, this is a 3 y/o we're talking about but yes, it did sting.

NotSharknado · December 2013

Don't project your feelings onto the kids. Bottom line.

Nita2603 · December 2013

Yes it would bug me too, but at 3, the kid doesn't know better. And really, once they are married she's stepmom. May as well get used to it now.

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

@mbenit4- what was spelled out in the agreement was that nobody other than DD's mother and father should be referred to as "mom, dad, mommy, daddy, etc"

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

Thanks mbenny! I have to agree with you. What you just said makes perfect sense to me

aforst · December 2013

I can imagine that it hurt to hear that. At the same time, a 3 y/o has no clue about all the possible dynamics of a family. I'm a little shocked you even said that to the kid.

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

@WhoCanItBeNow- I didn't say it filled me with rage, maybe i should have phrased it better but to hear that did upset me and rightfully so...

RondackHiker · December 2013

MamatoA2010 said:
@WhoCanItBeNow- I didn't say it filled me with rage, maybe i should have phrased it better but to hear that did upset me and rightfully so...

I'd say you we're understandably hurt, but I wouldn't say rightfully. You used the word "livid" in your first post. You were livid about something a three year old said. I wouldn't say that was okay.

Eleventy11 · December 2013

1. The fact that this woman had an affair with your husband really has nothing to do with this. You are projecting your hurt and anger.
2. It was a three year old. I hate to tell you, but if this lady is in your child's life, there will be lots of children and adults innocently mistake her for your child's mom for the rest of her life.

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

@Romdack- livid probably wasn't the best choice of words. I was very hurt and upset though.

MamatoA2010 · December 2013

Oops, that should be tagged as @RondackHiker

randomsalpal · December 2013

I think that you may need to look into the real underlying reasons of why a 3 year old made you so "livid". Obviously you have some underlying issues that you need to resolve and deal with. Believe me, I have been therem dealing with the Ex's multiple GF's, but I usually never assume that children should understand or deal with adult issues. I hope that you can find some inner piece with your situation.

LoveActually4 · December 2013

You need to get used to the fact that, regardless of what your custody agreement says, people will often mistake her for your DD's mother. It may hurt but people don't mean any harm.

taggiecb · December 2013

I also agree that this is beyond this one indecent, and you may want to work on how you get through this rough period in your life, because in this situation you being angry, and making stipulations, and feeling upset by simple misuse of words is only hurting one person. That is you unfortunately.

I have an aunt who still cannot be in the same room as her ex husband, 20+ years later. He moved on, got married, had another child, my aunts child grew up, has a family, and my aunt is alone, and still living off the bitterness of that time. She is the one who suffered from her ill feelings. I'm not saying you have to love the guy, or even make peace with him, but you really should try to make peace with your own life.

robinsokj · December 2013

Well this is simply shocking

shopgirl78 · December 2013

Only.....a lot. I would honestly be upset if I was the mother of that 3 year old.

ShamyCooler · December 2013

I'm in a similar situation. Newly divorced, Ex remarried 28 days after our divorce was final, and DD has been calling his new wife "momma first name" since about a month after they started dating.
I wasn't happy about it at that point, and it is hurtful to hear, but she's good to my daughter, and that's all that really matters to me. She's never going to take my place as her mother. I do think you overreacted, both at the preschool, and by having something put into the custody agreement. I understand the hurt, believe me, I do. But, if down the road your DD wants to call her some form of mom, I think you shouldn't get totally bent out of shape about it. You need to put your daughters needs first, not your anger/hurt.

ppants · December 2013

shopgirl78 said:

Only.....a lot. I would honestly be upset if I was the mother of that 3 year old.

Shopgirl is an old school poster from the old old parenting days. I believe she's speaking about how OP may have spoken to the 3 yo asking the question

shopgirl78 · December 2013

ppants said:

shopgirl78 said:

Only.....a lot. I would honestly be upset if I was the mother of that 3 year old.

Shopgirl is an old school poster from the old old parenting days. I believe she's speaking about how OP may have spoken to the 3 yo asking the question

Ding ding ding! 10 years?!? ( I make random reappearances during teaching breaks mostly).

Anywho, I maybe reading more drama into it than was applied but I kinda get the feeling it would be said in a WTF kinda of way....IDK. Don't mind me ; )

ppants · December 2013

@shopgirl78 I was mrs_sexy. I post here and there. Pretty much status quo for me

shopgirl78 · December 2013

ppants said:

@shopgirl78 I was mrs_sexy. I post here and there. Pretty much status quo for me

ahhh...I recognized the "Wendy Twins..." but not the name. That makes sense. Good to "see" you.

shopgirl78 · December 2013

Not saying I don't but I don't recall over-reacting on here in years...

missyishere · December 2013

I need a reminder again for the overreaction @hilarityensued.

LoveActually4 · December 2013

LINK!

LoveActually4 · December 2013

HilarityEnsued said:
Wanted to press sexual assault charges against a 5 year old for some shit.

Holy fucking moly.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

So, DH is an attorney who does a lot of divorce/attorney for the child cases, and he just said that that is very common in a lot of divorce agreements, that no one else can be called mom, dad, etc. He just read me the legal wording. I am pretty shocked.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

It's hard for me to wrap my head around too. I think what would happen if it was "violated" would be that you could use it as fuel to take your ex back to court for whatever reason, saying that they were violating the divorce agreement.

That's what I said to him, how do you tell a kid you can't call their new stepmom mom, and he said the father us supposed to say, no, that's not your mom, that's Brenda. Or whatever. I'm guessing more often than not it is written in during the heat of the divorce and forgotten about later.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

He is saying that it is written in more to prevent one parent from manipulating a young child and confusing them

missyishere · December 2013

Having something like that in the decree is the reason why Family Law is so fucked.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

I hate it, and I can't wait for DH not to do it anymore. Divorces anyway. I like that he does attorney for the child and can be a voice of reason in the craziness. He has really limited the amount of divorces he does in the past few years.

robinsokj · December 2013

Not everyone getting a divorce is a nutjob

missyishere · December 2013

I've been with DH since my SD was only 15 months old. Her memory only knows me being around. She doesn't call me mom, but we never swayed her either way to say anything but what she was comfortable.

Despite any differences we've had between us adults, we never allowed it to project onto my SD. It is imperative in our blended family that communication lines are between adults and always considering what is best for the children. DH and I now have a child on our own, and BM has another child with another man. We know the decisions we make for SD also impacts the other children and visa versa.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

robinsokj said:

Not everyone getting a divorce is a nutjob

Of course not. But there are a hell of a lot of nut jobs out there in the general public. And the emotions of divorce can certainly cause people to act in ways they wouldn't normally.

BluepointToasted · December 2013

missyishere said:

I've been with DH since my SD was only 15 months old. Her memory only knows me being around. She doesn't call me mom, but we never swayed her either way to say anything but what she was comfortable.

I started dating DH when my stepson was ten months. I was introduced to him by my first name and it stuck. What he calls me has never even come up. He does refer to me (and his stepfather) as his "parents", and when people mistake him for my son in public I have never corrected...I never wanted it to come off as me saying "this isn't my child!"

RondackHiker · December 2013

Hawkward said:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/8036078/wwyd-dd-touched-at-school#latest

There was more to it than just this, but this was the start of it.

Holy crap. Some kid touched her dd and they called the POLICE?!

mhwood · December 2013

I think you are completely over-reacting.

I've been through this before, and I just let it roll off my back. Once I picked up my eldest daughter from daycare, and one little girl said that I wasn't my daughter's "real mommy" because they were used to seeing my ex and his girlfriend. I told the little girl that my daughter was lucky enough to have a lot of parents in her life, the little girl nodded and went on her way.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell this child that this woman was her father's girlfriend...

angelashly · December 2013

Get used to it. I come from a blended family and for years my mom tried to manipulate me into not liking my step-mom. Now my step-mom is my mother because my own mom left.

While I know you aren't leaving your child please allow her to have a healthy relationship with her step mother. You want her to have a good relationship with her. There may be a time when you are not available and she is. You want her to take care of your child. I get why you are upset,but your marriage is over and he is moving on. One day you will too.

I agree with counseling. Good luck.

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