A mini-rant about ILs

pb_bride · December 2013

I feel bad about saying anything negative about my ILs, and I find myself having somewhat of a double standard, but I just need to get this off my chest!

My own family doesn't celebrate Christmas, so we have always spent it with my ILs, which is fine with me. My parents also don't do presents, and I'm totally fine with it (which is what annoys me b/c I have double standard). Having said that, my parents always give M a "red pocket" (ie, cash; it's a Chinese tradition) every time they come visit.

We used to travel to ILs' every Christmas (T'giving too), stay for a few days and exchange gifts. Some years they got us some thoughtful things (eg, gardening gloves for me; baby soap/lotion for M etc), though some other gifts have been less useful.

My ILs moved about 6 weeks ago to be closer to us (40 mins vs 3+ hrs), so it is easier to host Christmas at our place instead. Yesterday I cooked everything except for dessert (MIL was in charge). We all had a great time. Afterwards, we exchanged gifts.

DH & I made a shutterfly wall calendar with M's photos for my ILs. It's not expensive at all but we know it's something they'd enjoy seeing & using throughout the year. We also gave them a batch of my homemade granola, and some chocolate mints from Crate and Barrel. They downsized so we don't want them get cluttered with stuff again.

The gift they got us was - a 3.5-lb box of roasted almonds. Which is fine, I guess, as I do eat almonds. After they left, I asked DH, did they not get anything for M at all? Nope. Not a single thing. M is their only grandchild.

To their defense, we did mention to them (~ 2 months ago, before M's birthday) that we'd rather them (MIL/FIL/SIL) not spend $ on toys, but perhaps they could buy him some books, and we even forwarded them an Amazon wish list with a list of board books. For M's birthday, they bought him a picture book (not from the wish list). I know the move has been stressful and they have got lots to deal with... Perhaps because of it, they haven't had time to get settled and think about buying a gift for M?

On one hand, I know I shouldn't let this bother me. M doesn't "need" another Christmas present (he doesn't even understand it yet). OTOH, I can't help but feel hurt that his grandparents didn't even make an effort to pick out a present for him???

phishgirl29 · December 2013

I understand where you're coming from. I would be so hurt if my MIL or mother forgot to acknowledge my son at Christmas. ((Hugs))

DH and I haven't exchange gifts for the past couple of years, but I would cut him if he forgot to get me a card. It's the thought that counts.

Eta: I'm actually a little upset with my DH that he didn't get me a card from my son. I got him the cutest daddy card and he didn't get me a mommy card. I could see that he realized he should have afterward but at the time, I was a little bummed.

We love cards in this house if you couldn't tell

kmc84 · December 2013

Humm, yeah that's kinda crappy

I'm surprised they didn't get him anything. Maybe it's just a fluke thing??

Robeano · December 2013

ya I'd be upset too. Like really upset, but gift giving is a huge deal to me though..

JBDamonM · December 2013

I feel your pain!!!!!!! Did you see one of my posts in "Christmas recap"? My MIL did the same thing. She came strolling into the house yesterday with bags of gifts. Immediately she told me she did not bring LO's as "it would have been too complicated".......um - ok. But she brought gifts for all 7 of her other grandkids. She had previously told DH that she got LO a leapfrog thing.....but yesterday she was telling me how she got her a bouncy chair- that you can jump in and it sings and plays music. I can only assume she means a jumperoo - which would be doubly insulting since I registered for that when I was pregnant - got it at my shower and LO has already been in it for 4 months...... She told me she was having a hard time putting it together; which also makes no sense. I don't for one second think she got LO anything. I tried to not be mad as she's had her own mom in the hospital all week but the more I thout about it today the more pissed I got. For the love of god - it's my LOs first Christmas

I think it's REALLY rude to go to your house for Chrustmas dinner ant not bring M anything.....what did your husband say?

TJ1979 · December 2013

Oh, hugs pb! That's so not fair to poor M. I would be very upset. It's not the gift or material thing that matters, it's the thought. I'm so sorry they didn't get M something. At least he is too young to understand. It would be even worse if he knew he got left out.

luvboston · December 2013

I would be super pissed, what does it take 2 mins to pick out a book at a store? My parents neighbors got LO a Hanukkah gift and they have only seen her once. Yet my inlaws got her nothing but why should I be surprised I am still waiting for my wedding gift.

JBDamonM · December 2013

luvboston said:
I would be super pissed, what does it take 2 mins to pick out a book at a store? My parents neighbors got LO a Hanukkah gift and they have only seen her once. Yet my inlaws got her nothing but why should I be surprised I am still waiting for my wedding gift.

Same here on the wedding gift

my MIL also gave me a card at the wedding shower she hosted for me that said "two settings of your china are being shipped to you"..... Yup, still waiting for those two. Apparently I'm not the only one with some BS in law behaviors to deal with

pb_bride · December 2013

luvboston said:

I would be super pissed, what does it take 2 mins to pick out a book at a store? My parents neighbors got LO a Hanukkah gift and they have only seen her once. Yet my inlaws got her nothing but why should I be surprised I am still waiting for my wedding gift.

Funny you mentioned that. I was just thinking last night, wondering if my ILs ever got us a wedding gift. I don't think they ever did!

To their defense regarding the X'mas present for M, they are sort of "new" to the area (they used to live there 30 years ago), so perhaps they aren't familiar with the stores around to buy gifts? They also have been having issues with their computer, so I think they were afraid to use it to order anything off the internet (due to security problems).

kzawisl · December 2013

Hugs...that is really crappy. My mom even bought gifts for my brother's random girlfriend, who none of us had ever heard of, let alone met.

pb_bride · December 2013

JBDamonM said:

I feel your pain!!!!!!! Did you see one of my posts in "Christmas recap"? My MIL did the same thing. She came strolling into the house yesterday with bags of gifts. Immediately she told me she did not bring LO's as "it would have been too complicated".......um - ok. But she brought gifts for all 7 of her other grandkids. She had previously told DH that she got LO a leapfrog thing.....but yesterday she was telling me how she got her a bouncy chair- that you can jump in and it sings and plays music. I can only assume she means a jumperoo - which would be doubly insulting since I registered for that when I was pregnant - got it at my shower and LO has already been in it for 4 months...... She told me she was having a hard time putting it together; which also makes no sense. I don't for one second think she got LO anything. I tried to not be mad as she's had her own mom in the hospital all week but the more I thout about it today the more pissed I got. For the love of god - it's my LOs first Christmas I think it's REALLY rude to go to your house for Chrustmas dinner ant not bring M anything.....what did your husband say?

Serious, I would have been MORE pissed if I were in your situation. Not getting a gift for their only grandchild is one thing, but getting presents for all the other grandkids but NOT yours (well, a re-gift at best) is definitely WORSE. I'm so sorry you have such crappy ILs.

JBDamonM · December 2013

pb_bride said:

JBDamonM said:

I feel your pain!!!!!!! Did you see one of my posts in "Christmas recap"? My MIL did the same thing. She came strolling into the house yesterday with bags of gifts. Immediately she told me she did not bring LO's as "it would have been too complicated".......um - ok. But she brought gifts for all 7 of her other grandkids. She had previously told DH that she got LO a leapfrog thing.....but yesterday she was telling me how she got her a bouncy chair- that you can jump in and it sings and plays music. I can only assume she means a jumperoo - which would be doubly insulting since I registered for that when I was pregnant - got it at my shower and LO has already been in it for 4 months...... She told me she was having a hard time putting it together; which also makes no sense. I don't for one second think she got LO anything. I tried to not be mad as she's had her own mom in the hospital all week but the more I thout about it today the more pissed I got. For the love of god - it's my LOs first Christmas I think it's REALLY rude to go to your house for Chrustmas dinner ant not bring M anything.....what did your husband say?
Serious, I would have been MORE pissed if I were in your situation. Not getting a gift for their only grandchild is one thing, but getting presents for all the other grandkids but NOT yours (well, a re-gift at best) is definitely WORSE. I'm so sorry you have such crappy ILs.

I sadly am used to this and not surprised. When we got married she volunteered to pay for flowers and rehearsal dinner (Dh and I were paying for our own wedding)..... We didn't ask. I took her with me to the florist and she added things I never would've spent money on - like aisle decorations..... Sure enough when the money was due a month before the wedding - she did not pay and we had to scramble to come up with a few thousand dollars not in our budget. DH sat her down and indicated if she could not pay for the rehearsal dinner she needed to let us know now so we could change things. (and note - she vetoed my choices on where I wanted it)..... she insisted she could, and even sent out invitations listing her as the hostess. Sure enough - we had to pay for that too. We ended up having to take out a loan and having to use almost all of our wedding money to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Even typing this out 4 and a half years later I get mad. Who let's their kid start their marriage with a pile of new debt?

Then the day of my baby shower she called DH an hour before and told him she couldn't make it.Her excuse was that she had no one to watch her 95 year old mom, whom she lives with. One of my BIL's ended up doing it - but she still showed up a half hour late and left early. Additionally she gave me a bag of clothes. With a gift receipt which blew her cover and confirmed she was indeed late because she was buying a gift Mind you with each of my DH's sisters the family pooled their money and bought a bug a boo stroller. I got these clothes and burp clothes from his sisters. The worst part about her antics that day though were that she threw DH into a bad mood which put tension on what should have been a nice day.

So yeah, I don't for one second think she bought anything for Molly. Even if we do see a gift - it's going to be something she bought after Christmas. And what REALLY gets me? My DH won't say anything to her. If my family pulled this shit - he'd have there head on a silver platter!

mnj05 · December 2013

I totally understand being upset over this. Like TJ said, it's the thought and this is sending the message that they didn't think about M.

Last year my niece was almost 5 months and I was pregnant still. My niece got tons of things but I know H won't get near as many for his first Christmas. What really makes me upset about my ILs is that they constantly do things for H it want to because he's a boy and not my niece because she's a girl. My ILs have three boys, not that it should matter at all.

laura1 · December 2013

My ILs do stuff like this too...except they sort of play favorites among my kids. This year, we all got an Aquarium family pass for the year - which we had asked for instead of toys (they already have SO many), which was wonderful and very appreciated. But then the day before Christmas, we got a package addressed to DS and DD#1, and ended up being a frosted sugar cookie for each of them. Again, very nice, but where was DD#2's? She is only 1, so maybe they thought she didn't need one (which she doesn't, but neither do the other 2). And they have always done things like this - first it was DD#1 who wouldn't get things when they would send gifts for DS. Thankfully, they have started adding her and I am sure they will eventually add DD#2. And I know DD#2 doesn't know or care, it just rubs me the wrong way!

mcgeeva · December 2013

Please they can buy gifts online! Do they normally do gifts though? If they do I would be a bit surprised especially since they celebrate xmas. I know we shouldn't think about the gifts but I get where your coming from.

mcgeeva · December 2013

laura1 said:

My ILs do stuff like this too...except they sort of play favorites among my kids. This year, we all got an Aquarium family pass for the year - which we had asked for instead of toys (they already have SO many), which was wonderful and very appreciated. But then the day before Christmas, we got a package addressed to DS and DD#1, and ended up being a frosted sugar cookie for each of them. Again, very nice, but where was DD#2's? She is only 1, so maybe they thought she didn't need one (which she doesn't, but neither do the other 2). And they have always done things like this - first it was DD#1 who wouldn't get things when they would send gifts for DS. Thankfully, they have started adding her and I am sure they will eventually add DD#2. And I know DD#2 doesn't know or care, it just rubs me the wrong way!

I'm sorry this is crazy to me. With kids you do for all or none. They don't understand shoot I don't get that at all. Each child should have something for them.

mcgeeva · December 2013

JBDamonM said:

pb_bride said:

JBDamonM said:

I feel your pain!!!!!!! Did you see one of my posts in "Christmas recap"? My MIL did the same thing. She came strolling into the house yesterday with bags of gifts. Immediately she told me she did not bring LO's as "it would have been too complicated".......um - ok. But she brought gifts for all 7 of her other grandkids. She had previously told DH that she got LO a leapfrog thing.....but yesterday she was telling me how she got her a bouncy chair- that you can jump in and it sings and plays music. I can only assume she means a jumperoo - which would be doubly insulting since I registered for that when I was pregnant - got it at my shower and LO has already been in it for 4 months...... She told me she was having a hard time putting it together; which also makes no sense. I don't for one second think she got LO anything. I tried to not be mad as she's had her own mom in the hospital all week but the more I thout about it today the more pissed I got. For the love of god - it's my LOs first Christmas I think it's REALLY rude to go to your house for Chrustmas dinner ant not bring M anything.....what did your husband say?
Serious, I would have been MORE pissed if I were in your situation. Not getting a gift for their only grandchild is one thing, but getting presents for all the other grandkids but NOT yours (well, a re-gift at best) is definitely WORSE. I'm so sorry you have such crappy ILs.

I sadly am used to this and not surprised. When we got married she volunteered to pay for flowers and rehearsal dinner (Dh and I were paying for our own wedding)..... We didn't ask. I took her with me to the florist and she added things I never would've spent money on - like aisle decorations..... Sure enough when the money was due a month before the wedding - she did not pay and we had to scramble to come up with a few thousand dollars not in our budget. DH sat her down and indicated if she could not pay for the rehearsal dinner she needed to let us know now so we could change things. (and note - she vetoed my choices on where I wanted it)..... she insisted she could, and even sent out invitations listing her as the hostess. Sure enough - we had to pay for that too. We ended up having to take out a loan and having to use almost all of our wedding money to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Even typing this out 4 and a half years later I get mad. Who let's their kid start their marriage with a pile of new debt?

Then the day of my baby shower she called DH an hour before and told him she couldn't make it.Her excuse was that she had no one to watch her 95 year old mom, whom she lives with. One of my BIL's ended up doing it - but she still showed up a half hour late and left early. Additionally she gave me a bag of clothes. With a gift receipt which blew her cover and confirmed she was indeed late because she was buying a gift Mind you with each of my DH's sisters the family pooled their money and bought a bug a boo stroller. I got these clothes and burp clothes from his sisters. The worst part about her antics that day though were that she threw DH into a bad mood which put tension on what should have been a nice day.

So yeah, I don't for one second think she bought anything for Molly. Even if we do see a gift - it's going to be something she bought after Christmas. And what REALLY gets me? My DH won't say anything to her. If my family pulled this shit - he'd have there head on a silver platter!

I swear this is the difference between women and men's families. Mine would neeeeeeever cause issues between my husband and I or put us in akward situations. Dh also will not say a word to his psycho family..hence...counseling.

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2013

That is really weird. Don't really card for almonds, so I would be ticked to get 3.5lbs

no gift for M is really odd. Clothes, books, etc would have been expected.

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