Food and In Laws

kt012885 · December 2013

I wasn't going to post anything on this bc my fear of getting fired up again over it but I just feel the need to share with you ladies. Thanksgiving is when this whole ordeal started. We were at the in laws- and first off they told me DD was sitting in there with them and the 'adults' and I was hesitant bc I never get any time with her when we are there bc they don't share her with me and DH said something about her being in the room with us and they said "oh we are just going to have her sit in there with us". Whatever that's fine-it's one day where I can share her. Then later I hear they fed her mashed potatoes- I was furious. I didn't directly say to them no food- bc she was 4 1/2 months old- sounds like common sense, however his aunt asked about food and I said no food to her & said it pretty loud where I figured everyone heard it. I'll take the blame on that- I didn't say anything beforehand.

Ok so to my point of this weekend- we had an 80th bday dinner with DH's side. DH looks over and they are feeding her cheesecake and mashed potatoes. He said sternly no food and why would you give her that. They said ok ok ok. 2 minutes later- they are giving her water from a glass and more cheesecakse and mashed potatoes?!?! I was so upset- We just told them 2 minutes before no food and you disregarding us. DH says, "whoa what are you doing- i told you no food." Then we get the... "oh it's fine- you turned out fine- it won't hurt her" then they make fun of DH "oh can she have a spoon to hold- or is she not allowed?".

We had a conversation with them yesterday about it bc we have another lunch this weekend and I just don't think they understand. First it's about DD- she shouldn't have that- she's had cereal and a couple purees. We are slowly introducing food. Second it's about respecting us as parents. I am dreading this weekend - and that's sad bc I love Christmas but I do not want to have this anxiety if they are going to try and give her more food. DH made it very clear yesterday about no food from now on. The comment we got- 'well she's had sweet potatoes' Those are purees I've made- and that doesn't mean she's ready for other food. What if she was to have an allergy- not to mention her tummy being upset. DH is a very laid back- quiet guy and he said he'd make a scene if they did it again. He doesn't get worked up about anything- I'm glad to hear tho he is on the same page with me. Thanks for the vent- anyone else dealing with this? Am I over reacting?

LauraB1016 · December 2013

Omg. I would be soooo upset and I think you have every right to be. You and your DH expressed your wishes to them and they didn't listen to you.

I am happy to hear that your DH said something to your ILs since a lot of guys don't. Honestly I would be rash. If they can't follow your wishes either you will hold LO the entire time or you won't be going to their home.

I know that sounds rash (I believe we are going to have to do that with my ILs) but I think you have to put your foot down somewhere because if they are anything like my ILs (and other bumpies) it may only get worse.

kt012885 · December 2013

I agree. I love my in laws and I'm just really upset by this. She's our daughter and regardless of what their opinions are on food-they should respect us. We are going to Mexico at the end of March and no part of me wants to leave DD with them if they can't follow our requests. That's the only thing we've asked them to not do. I hate to not take her over there without DH/I but we are going to have to be that way until I can trust them to take us seriously. DH said he feels like they don't respect him or us as parents and just do what they want to do with her.

Mommy1stTimer · December 2013

I would be irate. What parents say should be followed. Even if other family disagrees YOU are the parents. This is a props to you situation for not completely saying fuck you all & leaving. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

jackson290721 · December 2013

I wouldn't leave them alone with her anymore. I don't care if it's about waiting for solids or you only want her ass wiped with Egyptian cotton. Whatever the fuck it is, they need to listen. Your kid your rules. I'm a big believer in that.

jemasa33 · December 2013

I would turn into a bitch and tell them they can't hold the baby unless they are sitting right next to you because if they are going to act like children, treat them like children.

24karat · December 2013

You're not overreacting. I could maybe understand a first oops, but the fact that they're repeatedly doing something you've specifically asked them not to do (whether they agree with you or not) is wrong. It's good your DH is on the same page as you about this.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

They don't get the baby at meal times if they don't respect your rules. No food means no food. They are giving you the finger by disregarding your wishes then trying to justify it with lame excuses.

Put your foot down. Take the baby at meal times & tell the truth if they get butthurt. Your kid. Your rules.

End of story.

Stina2012 · December 2013

jackson290721 said:
I wouldn't leave them alone with her anymore. I don't care if it's about waiting for solids or you only want her ass wiped with Egyptian cotton. Whatever the fuck it is, they need to listen. Your kid your rules. I'm a big believer in that.

Yeah, exactly this. You and your DH sound a bit like pushovers. Don't just accept what his folks say! Who the fuck tells new parents they are taking the baby to eat in another room? Grow a pair and stand up for yourself!

chiboo9 · December 2013

Stina2012 said:

I wouldn't leave them alone with her anymore. I don't care if it's about waiting for solids or you only want her ass wiped with Egyptian cotton. Whatever the fuck it is, they need to listen. Your kid your rules. I'm a big believer in that.
Yeah, exactly this. You and your DH sound a bit like pushovers. Don't just accept what his folks say! Who the fuck tells new parents they are taking the baby to eat in another room? Grow a pair and stand up for yourself!

Yup, this exactly. You need to stand your ground NOW. Otherwise, they will think this is acceptable and will continue doing so. This is YOUR child and they need to respect your wishes. Period.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

I also echo the standing up for yourself as parents. Their way is not the only way. They are also disrespecting you as authority figures. Nip that now. If a toddler sees this he/she will run with it & disregard you. They disregard you enough anyway. Don't let this trend start.

Rock the boat. They won't die.

kt012885 · December 2013

@stina2012 I agree with you on the pushover thing. I'm learning and i know I have to not be that way now that we have a daughter- not just in this case but we will be faced with this stuff from here out. I am comfortable enough with my parents to be that way for sure. After these incidents- I will be speaking up from here on out.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

kt012885 said:
@stina2012 I agree with you on the pushover thing. I'm learning and i know I have to not be that way now that we have a daughter- not just in this case but we will be faced with this stuff from here out. I am comfortable enough with my parents to be that way for sure. After these incidents- I will be speaking up from here on out.

Good for you!
:-bd =D>

MagickalNarwhal · December 2013

kt012885 said:
I agree. I love my in laws and I'm just really upset by this. She's our daughter and regardless of what their opinions are on food-they should respect us. We are going to Mexico at the end of March and no part of me wants to leave DD with them if they can't follow our requests. That's the only thing we've asked them to not do. I hate to not take her over there without DH/I but we are going to have to be that way until I can trust them to take us seriously. DH said he feels like they don't respect him or us as parents and just do what they want to do with her.

They WILL NOT follow your requests, FYI. They have made that super clear. If you are planning on leaving LO with them while you take a trip, expect that they will do what they want. If you cannot get comfortable with that (and I couldn't if it were me!) then you are going to have to reconsider your arrangement. I'm sorry, that really stinks. You are totally not overreacting.

kt012885 · December 2013

@PrimRoseMama Good point. This is their first grandchild- so we are the ones setting the ways and I can't live keeping my mouth shut. It's something I need to work on-I have to just suck it up and not be a wuss.

kt012885 · December 2013

@MagickalNarwhal Oh I know- I don't know what we are going to do. I am going to watch and see how things go the next 2 months. If I'm not comfortable then my parents will watch her the whole time. I am already extremely anxious about leaving her for 4 days as it is- a huge part of me doesn's even want to go bc I'll miss her so much. This adds so much stress to it.

Lelo2006 · December 2013

That is so rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry!

jackson290721 · December 2013

I would not leave her with them for your trip if I were you. Really.

Stina2012 · December 2013

kt012885 said:
@stina2012 I agree with you on the pushover thing. I'm learning and i know I have to not be that way now that we have a daughter- not just in this case but we will be faced with this stuff from here out. I am comfortable enough with my parents to be that way for sure. After these incidents- I will be speaking up from here on out.

Totally get it. I'm not trying to be mean, I am mad for you! This would be a big, big thing in my house and my poor DH wouldn't hear the end of it!

I need to learn to speak up too. When my dumb ILs do crappy things I get mad and I can be mean. You sound nicer than me!

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

kt012885 said:
@PrimRoseMama lGood point. This is their first xdgrandchild- so we are the ones setting the ways and I can't live keeping my mouth shut. It's something I need to work on-I have to just suck it up and not be a wuss.

@kt012885 : I understand about getting the courage to rock the boat. However, it's about your kids & not really you. Boundaries are important. I've spent the last 10 years fighting tooth & nail with my IL for respect of boundaries.

We are still working on it. They drive me insane, but they do respect my wishes with food & sleep routines. They might bitch, but they do what I want for my kids because they know I will flip shit on them if they don't.

Be feared. You are Mama Bear!

pantsarella · December 2013

Nope nope nope, I would NOT be giving up that baby again if it were me. The first time, ok, like you said- maybe you weren't clear enough. Then they knew and they did it again?! I would have snatched that baby up real fast and not given her up again (at all, not even just at meal times).

Your baby, your rules. I agree about your trip, though- they're going to do whatever they want (clearly), so if you aren't ok with that, don't leave her with them.

heatherbrownm · December 2013

Honestly, I would just leave her with your parents while you are in Mexico. No way in hell would I let your ILs watch her for four days, alone. They blatantly disrespected your wishes with you in the same room, imagine what they will do while you are out of the country.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

I would pay for child care or get someone else to watch your LO when you are gone to Mexico. You cannot trust them. They've already shown this.

EagleWife · December 2013

kt012885 said:

I wasn't going to post anything on this bc my fear of getting fired up again over it but I just feel the need to share with you ladies. Thanksgiving is when this whole ordeal started. We were at the in laws- and first off they told me DD was sitting in there with them and the 'adults' and I was hesitant bc I never get any time with her when we are there bc they don't share her with me and DH said something about her being in the room with us and they said "oh we are just going to have her sit in there with us". Whatever that's fine-it's one day where I can share her. Then later I hear they fed her mashed potatoes- I was furious. I didn't directly say to them no food- bc she was 4 1/2 months old- sounds like common sense, however his aunt asked about food and I said no food to her & said it pretty loud where I figured everyone heard it. I'll take the blame on that- I didn't say anything beforehand.
Ok so to my point of this weekend- we had an 80th bday dinner with DH's side. DH looks over and they are feeding her cheesecake and mashed potatoes. He said sternly no food and why would you give her that. They said ok ok ok. 2 minutes later- they are giving her water from a glass and more cheesecakse and mashed potatoes?!?! I was so upset- We just told them 2 minutes before no food and you disregarding us. DH says, "whoa what are you doing- i told you no food." Then we get the... "oh it's fine- you turned out fine- it won't hurt her" then they make fun of DH "oh can she have a spoon to hold- or is she not allowed?".
We had a conversation with them yesterday about it bc we have another lunch this weekend and I just don't think they understand. First it's about DD- she shouldn't have that- she's had cereal and a couple purees. We are slowly introducing food. Second it's about respecting us as parents. I am dreading this weekend - and that's sad bc I love Christmas but I do not want to have this anxiety if they are going to try and give her more food. DH made it very clear yesterday about no food from now on. The comment we got- 'well she's had sweet potatoes' Those are purees I've made- and that doesn't mean she's ready for other food. What if she was to have an allergy- not to mention her tummy being upset. DH is a very laid back- quiet guy and he said he'd make a scene if they did it again. He doesn't get worked up about anything- I'm glad to hear tho he is on the same page with me. Thanks for the vent- anyone else dealing with this? Am I over reacting?

Bolded: I'd like to see someone try to take my baby away from me and not "share" her with me. That'd would never happen. I hold my baby or DH does until we feel comfortable enough to give another person permission to hold her. There's no way in hell I'd allow someone to take her from me and go out of my sight without my permission.

And the food thing? I agree with PP that they are totally giving you the middle finger with that. WHO gives someone else's child food without the parent's permission? That is ridiculous. What if she had a severe allergic reaction? Sounds like they are being royal assholes.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I wouldn't be comfortable letting them hold the baby and especially not out of your range of monitoring. They are being unbelievably disrespectful and out of line. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

sdtchica13 · December 2013

I'd be annoyed, and would have said something, because like PP's said, they will continue to disrespect you guys if you let them. We are on kid #2 and my MIL still needs this to be constantly reinforced because she simply doesn't listen to us. Over the summer she watched Gavin one day for a few hours and we repeatedly told her not to swaddle him while we were gone (we have never swaddled for naps). She kept saying, "oh, but his feet look cold, are you sure he doesn't need to be swaddled?" (we left socks for him). We said no a million times and then left. when we got back, he first thing she said to me was "I really think he needs to be swaddled for naps, its cold" (erm, it's July lady, and he runs on hot like his big sis, get a grip)...sure enough, I go into the nursery and he's in the crib with the swaddle blanket LAYING ACROSS HIS LEGS. I fucking lost it and so did DH...not only did she defy us completely, but she left a loose blanket on my three week old.

DH had a huge fight with her and then a second huge fight with her the next day and basically told her he was no longer having her watch Gavin since she couldn't behave herself. She got the hint and has been better, but it took both of us losing our shit on her for it to happen.

kt012885 · December 2013

Thank you ladies for your responses. I really appreciate it. As far as our trip- as of now my mom is taking her 3 nights and his parents have her 2 nights but I might be changing that. I know I won't be relaxing at all those 2 days knowing they might or will do the opposite of what we say. I just never would have imagined them being that way. Ever.

@EagleWife as far as sharing DD...I've cried (very very emotional) bc his parents pass her back and forth for like 3 hours in a row & no one including DH/I get to see her. It makes me sick. Last weekend we spent about 6 hours over there and I took her away after 2 hours and kept her for a couple hours. DH told me if I want her to just go get her and that's exactly what I will be doing from now on. When we are at my parents house- I have her almost the whole time or we play with her together. This is all new to us and I'm learning. Drives me bananas tho.

As far as the food thing- I would never give someone else's child food.ever without asking. Even if it was my sister and we are close close bff's. It's not something I would even think about.

themargo · December 2013

That sucks. They aren't respecting you guys. I would have her next to me at all meals now as a giant F U.

lrichmond86 · December 2013

I would be furious. I hope dh does make a scene of it happens again. They deserve it.

Stina2012 · December 2013

When they pull this shit just think of this guy:

redrocksmama · December 2013

Hell to the no are you even slightly over reacting. Seriously WTF. I would not leave your LO with them.

kt012885 · December 2013

@maryannespier lol like your LO needs to be passed around while he's screaming and tired. When DD cries at the in laws- FIL takes her from me (if I have her- so it's happened once) and says, "we need to move". I seriously was so pissed. If it happens again- I will say, no I have her. If anyone can calm her down- it's me. Also once I tried to get DD from him and he didn't hand her over- I put my hands out again and finally I got her. I can barely stand it. Before DD we were super close and now I just don't even want to be around at all.

pantsarella · December 2013

kt012885 said:
@EagleWife as far as sharing DD...I've cried (very very emotional) bc his parents pass her back and forth for like 3 hours in a row & no one including DH/I get to see her. It makes me sick. Last weekend we spent about 6 hours over there and I took her away after 2 hours and kept her for a couple hours. DH told me if I want her to just go get her and that's exactly what I will be doing from now on. When we are at my parents house- I have her almost the whole time or we play with her together. This is all new to us and I'm learning. Drives me bananas tho.

It would be one thing if you were comfortable with the situation...I have a strained relationship with my in-laws, but I'm fine with them having DD for a couple hours because I know they would NEVER disrespect my wishes when it comes to her. But seriously- how could you ever be expected to be comfortable giving up your LO knowing that they don't give two shits about your wishes? I agree with PP- (said in the nicest way) time to pull out the mama bear balls and don't let anyone make you uncomfortable when it comes to your baby.

cuterusaurus · December 2013

Sorry! I'd be livid too. I get annoyed enough with the snide remarks people give. But actually feeding lo?! Way way out of line.

DenverBride2005 · December 2013

Just wanted to say you are so NOT overreacting! I would be super pissed if someone fed my FIVE MONTH OLD cheesecake!! I would definitely try to look into another option for child care for your trip.

Altima80 · December 2013

Ohhhh helllll nooooooo! Just no. F them! I would never let DD out of your site around them again. They can't be trusted. I'd be livid. You are not over reacting at all.

bumpuser8571475 · December 2013

I agree with PP's. I would be furious if someone fed my baby after I told them not to. Especially cheesecake?! No way... Ugh I'm so mad for you... Get tough girl! You can do it!

Dubs1978 · December 2013

Cheesecake? Seriously? Ridiculous. And as a mom whose baby had a reaction to peas, good reactions are serious when they are little. You are the mama!

summerchild · December 2013

This is a big fear of mine as well. If it actually happened, I'd go absolutely ballistic on his family. Words would be said and they would cut deep. I hate when people disrespect your boundaries and parenting decisions. They would not hold my baby again.

summerchild · December 2013

sdtchica13 said:
I'd be annoyed, and would have said something, because like PP's said, they will continue to disrespect you guys if you let them. We are on kid #2 and my MIL still needs this to be constantly reinforced because she simply doesn't listen to us. Over the summer she watched Gavin one day for a few hours and we repeatedly told her not to swaddle him while we were gone (we have never swaddled for naps). She kept saying, "oh, but his feet look cold, are you sure he doesn't need to be swaddled?" (we left socks for him). We said no a million times and then left. when we got back, he first thing she said to me was "I really think he needs to be swaddled for naps, its cold" (erm, it's July lady, and he runs on hot like his big sis, get a grip)...sure enough, I go into the nursery and he's in the crib with the swaddle blanket LAYING ACROSS HIS LEGS. I fucking lost it and so did DH...not only did she defy us completely, but she left a loose blanket on my three week old.

DH had a huge fight with her and then a second huge fight with her the next day and basically told her he was no longer having her watch Gavin since she couldn't behave herself. She got the hint and has been better, but it took both of us losing our shit on her for it to happen.

This totally sounds like my MIL. Ugh. I wish we could have an adult convo but clearly that's not going to work if someone just doesn't want to hear what you need to say.

Erinm278 · December 2013

I'd be fucking furious. You're not wrong or overreacting here!

Hilaboo86 · December 2013

Is there an emoticon for bitch slapping someone? If so that's what you need to do! Mrs O style!

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