I just wanted to add another angle here. It is the Holidays and the time of the year that ppl start to check out your houses. They try and see what the area is like and who all lives there, they are checking things out on the best time to break in.
The fact she's in a rural area makes this a very big possibility as the would be thieves could be thinking that everyone is off to work and no one else will notice them.
He very well could be hard up and just looking for money to get food, but like a previous person mentioned the asking for money is a red flag.
We really can only follow our gut, and doing so may have prevented something further from happening.
She certainly prevented that man from getting a few bucks and maybe a hot meal. Cool beans he got some ramen and an apple, and the opportunity to lose any self respect he might have remaining.
And are you sh!tting me - asking for money is a "red flag?" I'm asked for money on the regular. I'm sure that poor people handling don't only live in cities. FFS.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
someone asking for food or money at Christmas time usually gets it from me. do unto others and yay jesus and all that stuff.
I think the OPs reaction was 1000x extra. Add in the recovering racist nature of the OP and I am glad the man is alive and this didn't turn into another George Zimmerman situation.
use all the excuses you want - I live in a rural area, dude was white, there are no homeless here - but you were still a flaming asshole to someone that probably just needed some compassion and instead got judgement
She stated multiple times the man in question was white. So, please explain to me why everyone is assuming this was a racially motivated reaction? Yes there is the backstory of her sons name, but that has nothing to do with this situation, the person who approached her was a white man.
I cannot for the life of me believe that people are all oh yeah it's totally normal for random stranger to approach you in the driveway of your rural home begging for money/food. Say what now? No. It's not normal. Maybe in a town, suburb, city, sure. In the middle of nowhere? No, it's not normal. I am not a paranoid person. I am smartly aware of my surroundings. I likely would have told the person to leave and then called the non-emergency police number. Could this person just legitimately be hungry and in need of food? Sure. Or they could be up to no good. And I for one, don't want to be saying "these thing never happen in my neighborhood" or worse having a loved one say "she lived in such a safe area, we never thought this could have happened to her". And I would not be freaked out if a homeless person approached me in the city. Or the local town. I frequently give money. Have given food too. But when you live in the middle of nowhere, it's just not something that happens. No one would hear me scream if I were attacked. No one would find me for hours if this happened in the early evening bc my husband isn't home until late. So, by your thoughts if a ransom stranger approaches you in a secluded area, cool, just hand them some cash, maybe ask them in for a warm cup of coffee? Is that what one should do? Because I am fairly certain if you read someone did that and then wound up dead you'd be handing out a Darwin award.
So only poor people from urban areas are allowed to ask for help? oh FFS. Of course not. Not at all. That is not at all what I or anyone else said. Its a matter of safety. If ANYONE approached me in my driveway, about anything, sell me magazines, ask for money, praising Jesus I am going to ask them politely to GTFO and likely I will call someone to alert them to an uncomfortable situation. If someone on a street in a populated area stops me for some reason chances are I can scream for help if I feel threatened. And no the world is not a scary place for me. Again, I am not overly paranoid. I am realistic though. It would be very strange for someone to show up where I live, essentially in the middle of nowhere. It would be "off". It has nothing to do with classism or racism or any other ism at all. To jump to that conclusion is ridiculous. And yes, I am well aware of the statistics of poverty in this country and it is why I do my best to help where and when I can. People are jumping down the OPs throat bc she put food on the doorstep, again, what should she have done? Invited him in? Emptied her pantry?
So let's summarize: It's not ok to feel threatened when a stranger approaches you in your driveway asking for money. Ever.
If that person is asking for money for food, and you give them food, also not ok.
Certainly don't call the police or tell them you are armed, even if they made you uncomfortable. Good to know.
If the person that made you uncomfortable, is the same race as you, it's probably racism (say what now?)
You ladies are way smarter than this and you know it. Stop looking for something that isn't there (in this situation). Maybe you wouldn't be threatened if a stranger approached you in that situation, and good for you. But it doesn't speak of classism or racism (again the man was the same race as the OP) to be uncomfortable in that situation.
He approached her when she was OUTSIDE. If she lives in a rural area, it's not that hard to believe that he lives pretty close and just doesn't have a functioning vehicle at the time.
It's not that hard to say, "I'm sorry, I can't help," and just go about your business of getting in the car. It takes a lot less effort than behaving like a rabid dog, running inside, locking the door, and throwing ramen on the porch. And let's not forget her racist asshollio of a husband screaming about how he's going to shoot the guy if he comes back.
I know this is entirely after the fact but I live in a rural community but in town, were you saying someone approached you out in the boonies? That USA little different, when you said rural community, I simply think small town.
Moving on, not having been a part of this board as long as many, my impressions are different. Knowing no history of Amber it I still thought her reaction a little intense. You add the race factor and it seemed believable that she wad racist. Still that was when I assumed small town not lonely house in the middle of no where. Still yet though we aren't all who we were at 19. So good growth but sadly the things we do as young people follow us. It seemed to me you were still trying to back peddle but your not because your racist just that you don't wish to appear that way. Still you owned your need for personal growth from past issues and it's over.
Just curious, if you weren't around for that whole shebang to know about that past thread, then why would that have seemed racist? The man who approached me was the same ethnicity as I was. Tifanico, I get, but you? I can only see that you drew ASSUMPTION from other people's comments or that you automatically ASSUMED he must have been not been white from my OP.
And aside from the side path this thread has taken, I feel like everyone has completely list sight of my original OP and now has an image of me standing there with a gun pointed at him threatening to shoot him. I said that IF HE HAD TURNED HOSTILE OR GIVEN ME REASON TO BELIEVE HE WAS TRYING TO PULL SOMETHING I had a gun in the house available for protection. It was not even in the same room or loaded. I will not apologize be being aware of my options for defense in case they are needed. That is one thing I need not apologize for.
As for the rest, I think we have pretty much settled that. Nothing I can say is going to change some people's minds. And that is just something I will have to live with.
You have small children in your house and you think the best form of protection is brandishing a shotgun.
He approached her when she was OUTSIDE. If she lives in a rural area, it's not that hard to believe that he lives pretty close and just doesn't have a functioning vehicle at the time.
It's not that hard to say, "I'm sorry, I can't help," and just go about your business of getting in the car. It takes a lot less effort than behaving like a rabid dog, running inside, locking the door, and throwing ramen on the porch. And let's not forget her racist asshollio of a husband screaming about how he's going to shoot the guy if he comes back.
Really, I am not trying to be difficult, but it's better to NOT offer any assistance (and she didn't say she yelled, just that she was firm and clear) than it is to offer assistance in a way that puts you in control of the situation?
Yes, this man likely was just looking for help. And that makes my heart hurt, honestly, i am not a vilian, and I care very much that others don't have enough to eat. But what would you say if the tables had been turned? What if this guy DID have malicious intentions? What if she had said sure, turned her back to unlock her door (as most people must do) and he pushed her inside and raped or killed her or even just ransacked the house? These things DO happen. Maybe not often, but they DO happen. Is it not better to cautiously give some help, and ask that they not come back, than it is to either give no help at all, or to let your guard down and potentially regret that moment forever.
As for her husbands reaction, really, I have no words. Is it over the top, yes, i am sure it was. I am strictly talking about OPs actions here. I don't have the energy for the rest of it.
I did feel hanged up on at first, but once but not after my initial reaction of two or three in a row posts that I was too lazy to go back and edit on mobile.
And the explanation of the gun in the abovev was not aimed at you, several people in general. Only the paragraph directly under your quote was aimed at you. I thought "aside from" you'd declare I was s starting a new point. Sorry.
Either way, it's done and over with now. You're right. People can look at this many different ways. That is what you think. And that's ok.
Sorry I missed that "aside from" but I haven't slept yet and that's my bad, I should've looked again. I get muddled when sleep deprived.
ok just wanted to put that in caps because people are still calling her racist against this man but the guy was the same race.
The police said they already received several calls about this guy. Its possible there was something 'off' about this guy and kicked up everyones spidey senses.
Or maybe amber lives in a neighborhood full of classist people who hate white men.
Maybe there are other ways to handle it. I would have been caught off guard if someone approached me in my driveway and maybe I wouldnt have the perfect reaction i dont know. Amber was probably nervous about being approached by a stranger but also wanted to help and this is what she did to reconcile the two.
Ambrvan, ignore all the haters. Seriously. This thread was clearly XP'd because of all the randoms that have decided to jump down your throat.
I sure as heck would be wary if someone came knocking on my door for money. I have young children and anxiety. Would I want to help the person? Definitely. I think your reaction was smart - you took control, protected your family, and helped the guy.
Ambrvan, ignore all the haters. Seriously. This thread was clearly XP'd because of all the randoms that have decided to jump down your throat.
I sure as heck would be wary if someone came knocking on my door for money. I have young children and anxiety. Would I want to help the person? Definitely. I think your reaction was smart - you took control, protected your family, and helped the guy.
Ita! I did not reply to the op bc I am in the newborn haze, but when I read it I thought you reacted in a great way and better than I probably would have. You gave him some help and were assertive about your own protection. Ignore the haters who are just looking for drama to pass the time.
Yes, Amber is a total racist classist bitch. That is clear because she wasn't welcoming to a strange (white) man who approached her when she was alone in her driveway. Because there is no way that man could have been dangerous and we should always assume strange men hanging out in our driveways are harmless and just hungry.
He approached her when she was OUTSIDE. If she lives in a rural area, it's not that hard to believe that he lives pretty close and just doesn't have a functioning vehicle at the time.
It's not that hard to say, "I'm sorry, I can't help," and just go about your business of getting in the car. It takes a lot less effort than behaving like a rabid dog, running inside, locking the door, and throwing ramen on the porch. And let's not forget her racist asshollio of a husband screaming about how he's going to shoot the guy if he comes back.
15% of Americans live in poverty. That's 1:7. 1 in 6 people are food insecure - they don't know where their next meal is coming from.
So that's around 50 million people in the US who are hungry on any given day.
By contrast, there were around 2 million total burglaries in 2010. Let's round that out to about 5500 per day.
You're saying that despite the fact that there are statistically almost 10,000 times as many people living in hunger as there are people committing burglaries on any given day... you immediately jumped to "a man asking for food is probably here to rob my home"?
That's not just (probably) racist and (definitely) classist, but also just hugely naive. The world must be a very scary place for you.
I just wanted to add another angle here. It is the Holidays and the time of the year that ppl start to check out your houses. They try and see what the area is like and who all lives there, they are checking things out on the best time to break in.
The fact she's in a rural area makes this a very big possibility as the would be thieves could be thinking that everyone is off to work and no one else will notice them.
He very well could be hard up and just looking for money to get food, but like a previous person mentioned the asking for money is a red flag.
We really can only follow our gut, and doing so may have prevented something further from happening.
She certainly prevented that man from getting a few bucks and maybe a hot meal. Cool beans he got some ramen and an apple, and the opportunity to lose any self respect he might have remaining.
And are you sh!tting me - asking for money is a "red flag?" I'm asked for money on the regular. I'm sure that poor people handling don't only live in cities. FFS.
This is getting to be too much.....Amber, how dare you not provide a hot meal?! Get in that kitchen and start cooking, FFS!
I'm not white, and I sure as shit wouldn't give money or assistance to some random person (regardless of color) walking up my driveway. I would've said I was sorry I couldn't help and went in the house.
I don't agree with the comments people are making and saying how wrong Ambervan is, but I do think it is just confusing to offer food, but still be threatening that you have a gun at the same time. Either help or don't. Dont try to be helpful and yet insulting at the same time. It doesn't make sense. If you need your gun, you shouldn't provide help. If you want to provide help, you don't need your gun.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
I'm not white, and I sure as shit wouldn't give money or assistance to some random person (regardless of color) walking up my driveway. I would've said I was sorry I couldn't help and went in the house.
I don't agree with the comments people are making and saying how wrong Ambervan is, but I do think it is just confusing to offer food, but still be threatening that you have a gun at the same time. Either help or don't. Dont try to be helpful and yet insulting at the same time. It doesn't make sense. If you need your gun, you shouldn't provide help. If you want to provide help, you don't need your gun.
I agree with that. I don't understand the need to call the police after the man was peacefully leaving with the food you'd given him. What's the crime you'd report?
But congratulations - if the guy was a thief, now he knows which house to rob to get a gun!
FWIW if someone approaches me like that on my suburban street I would have tried to get in my house and called the cops and waited inside until they arrived. No matter the race of the person I would have assumed they were up to no good .
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
Sandsonik and others have you ever been to a really rural area? Most people don't have neighbors right on top of each other. It could be miles and miles walk between houses. It's not like it is in the suburbs or the city where people approach your house to sell you or ask for donations frequently.
Amber did the right thing. I wish we lived in a world where we could always assume the best but we don't and we can't.
I don't know that being raised in the Northeast or Mid-Atlantic or whatever has anything to do with it. I was raised in New Jersey, live in PA, in Brooklyn. There are panhandlers everywhere. It's just a different form of panhandling. Obviously, there are plenty of panhandlers who aren't honest about their needs/wants and are out to scam people. If you're concerned, don't give. But barking at them to stay far, far away lest they breath the same air you do while imperiously dumping the least of your food stuffs on your porch for them to take after you're gone is out of order and gross.
If you can't treat people with common courtesy and trust me, there are ways to do that and protect yourself at the same time, then stay away from people. It's just that simple.
As people have pointed out, it's the holidays. Maybe there are more burglars out but there are also people in tighter constraints. The weather is cold, the electric bill is higher, and everyone wants their family to have something for Christmas. I'm not sure why it's easier to presume dude was out on a rapey prowl.
I think youre pretty sheltered and that's great but your advice lacks global perspective.
It is not normal to randomly approach someone in an extremely rural and isolated area and it is not normal to be on foot walking around to random houses in an extremely rural area.
Anyone I have ever known that lives out in the country has a gun so I would guess he had been threatened plenty of times that morning. You're off the mark thinking Amber is being classist. We have a random action by a random person that defies the cultural norms of the community. That is usually met with a hostile response.
FWIW if someone approaches me like that on my suburban street I would have tried to get in my house and called the cops and waited inside until they arrived. No matter the race of the person I would have assumed they were up to no good .
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
FWIW if someone approaches me like that on my suburban street I would have tried to get in my house and called the cops and waited inside until they arrived. No matter the race of the person I would have assumed they were up to no good .
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
Seriously? Are you stupid sandsonik?? The intent behind calling the cops would be to get their assistance to remove someone who is threatening or harassing. The intent in telling this stranger would be to let them know you are not fucking around and they need to move on. No crime has to be committed to ask for their assistance in a threatening situation.
Jesus. Who are these people?
I make NO apologies for being rude to someone when something is off and I feel threatened. Ambrvan felt threatened. We weren't there. We didn't see the guy. Her instincts went up and she did the best she could to address the situation. As a woman, your best defense is to listen to your instincts and to follow them. And one of the other things i have read about protecting myself is to stop being nice and worrying if you are going to offend someone who threatens you. The guy should know better than to approach a woman alone, and he sure as hell should know he is not going to be welcome.
While I wish we could trust people more .... The facts are we can't in today's world.
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
FWIW if someone approaches me like that on my suburban street I would have tried to get in my house and called the cops and waited inside until they arrived. No matter the race of the person I would have assumed they were up to no good .
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
No it is actually doing exactly what a police officer asked me to do because our neighborhood has had teens/young adults go up to houses with fake stories to figure out which houses to rob so I was told if I saw anything like that which is not normal for the neighborhood to call the police. You don't only call the police to report crimes but to report suspicious behavior to PREVENT crimes. When I did it a few months back I was not scared of the guy at all but it was suspicious and exactly was the officer asked me to look out for.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This entire post is a ridiculous testament to the idiocy of internet advice!
There are many areas of the USA where a shotgun in the house is common place. Amber gave a fair warning and did not create herself as a victim by stating she had a gun. People who are trained how to use guns are in a power position, not a victim position.
I am a tall woman, however I also know that most men can quickly overpower me. Even a man begging for help could easily force me into my home and rape, kill, or have his way with me. I applaud Amber for having the courage to keep the man at a distance and still provide help to him.
The ratio of food deprived to burglaries is impressive - but not all food depraved beg door to door. Therefore your logic is flawed. If you gave me a ratio of panhandlers to burglaries I would be more impressed. I would be most impressed if you gave me the ratio to good Samaritan to victimized!
Calling the police alert them to a situation in their patrol area. Even if the man did no harm the police would be interested in a man walking door to door begging. Why? Because they could take him to a shelter. They could provide assistance, or they could provide information tot he next housewife who calls about a suspicious man walking down the street.
Are all of you people jumping on this board insane?
I have lived in the inner city, suburbs, and rural. I have also lived on my own for over 20 years. What Amber did was the intelligent thing to do.
Everyone else saying otherwise is stupid and is prepping themselves nicely to be a victim!
Oh, in addition to my last comment, as I said I live in a suburb in a development or subdivision based on where you live. The houses are right next to each other but we are two miles from a highway. You would not just wander into our neighborhood so you live here or you are here for a very specific reason. The town has resources so you go to them or you pick up the phone for help. If the police find strangers going door to door to be suspicious why would you suggest that I am horrible or stupid for disagreeing.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
I just wanted to add another angle here. It is the Holidays and the time of the year that ppl start to check out your houses. They try and see what the area is like and who all lives there, they are checking things out on the best time to break in.
Totally true.
Just recently there were a lot of home robberies in my city. People were ringing doorbells to see if you were home. If you weren't, they broke in and took whatever they could. One of my friends was home when this happened. Someone rang her bell at 8:30 pm, and she answered the door. The guy asked for someone named "Mary" and my friend told him he had the wrong house. As soon as she shut the door her dog started going nuts in the backyard. There was a guy in her backyard!! She called the police but they didn't catch the guys. It's scary stuff.
I love the people who say it would be BETTER to say no and shut the door on the guy's face, because then he would have more dignity. DH and I both took jobs that were "beneath us" which is a huge blow to our respective egos. My boss is younger than I am, is less educated, and has less experience. It is a little depressing. I guess he should have done me the favor by NOT hiring me, so I couldn't help support my family. I would gladly have food for my kids over my pride!!!
Amber, I think you handled a difficult situation as best you could. Don't compromise your own safety just to be "nicer" to a random stranger who shows up at your door.
Most advocates for the hungry, homeless do not suggest that people give strangers food and shelter to help them. The longer term solution is for them to find sustainable food / shelter resources.
Re: had an encounter tonight NBFR sorta WWYD
She certainly prevented that man from getting a few bucks and maybe a hot meal. Cool beans he got some ramen and an apple, and the opportunity to lose any self respect he might have remaining.
And are you sh!tting me - asking for money is a "red flag?" I'm asked for money on the regular. I'm sure that poor people handling don't only live in cities. FFS.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
oh FFS. Of course not. Not at all. That is not at all what I or anyone else said. Its a matter of safety. If ANYONE approached me in my driveway, about anything, sell me magazines, ask for money, praising Jesus I am going to ask them politely to GTFO and likely I will call someone to alert them to an uncomfortable situation. If someone on a street in a populated area stops me for some reason chances are I can scream for help if I feel threatened. And no the world is not a scary place for me. Again, I am not overly paranoid. I am realistic though. It would be very strange for someone to show up where I live, essentially in the middle of nowhere. It would be "off". It has nothing to do with classism or racism or any other ism at all. To jump to that conclusion is ridiculous. And yes, I am well aware of the statistics of poverty in this country and it is why I do my best to help where and when I can. People are jumping down the OPs throat bc she put food on the doorstep, again, what should she have done? Invited him in? Emptied her pantry?
So let's summarize:
It's not ok to feel threatened when a stranger approaches you in your driveway asking for money. Ever.
If that person is asking for money for food, and you give them food, also not ok.
Certainly don't call the police or tell them you are armed, even if they made you uncomfortable. Good to know.
If the person that made you uncomfortable, is the same race as you, it's probably racism (say what now?)
You ladies are way smarter than this and you know it. Stop looking for something that isn't there (in this situation). Maybe you wouldn't be threatened if a stranger approached you in that situation, and good for you. But it doesn't speak of classism or racism (again the man was the same race as the OP) to be uncomfortable in that situation.
40/112
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ok just wanted to put that in caps because people are still calling her racist against this man but the guy was the same race.
The police said they already received several calls about this guy. Its possible there was something 'off' about this guy and kicked up everyones spidey senses.
Or maybe amber lives in a neighborhood full of classist people who hate white men.
Maybe there are other ways to handle it. I would have been caught off guard if someone approached me in my driveway and maybe I wouldnt have the perfect reaction i dont know. Amber was probably nervous about being approached by a stranger but also wanted to help and this is what she did to reconcile the two.
This is getting to be too much.....Amber, how dare you not provide a hot meal?! Get in that kitchen and start cooking, FFS!
I agree with that. I don't understand the need to call the police after the man was peacefully leaving with the food you'd given him. What's the crime you'd report?
But congratulations - if the guy was a thief, now he knows which house to rob to get a gun!
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
Amber did the right thing. I wish we lived in a world where we could always assume the best but we don't and we can't.
It is not normal to randomly approach someone in an extremely rural and isolated area and it is not normal to be on foot walking around to random houses in an extremely rural area.
Anyone I have ever known that lives out in the country has a gun so I would guess he had been threatened plenty of times that morning. You're off the mark thinking Amber is being classist. We have a random action by a random person that defies the cultural norms of the community. That is usually met with a hostile response.
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
are you stupid
Seriously? Are you stupid sandsonik?? The intent behind calling the cops would be to get their assistance to remove someone who is threatening or harassing. The intent in telling this stranger would be to let them know you are not fucking around and they need to move on. No crime has to be committed to ask for their assistance in a threatening situation. Jesus. Who are these people? I make NO apologies for being rude to someone when something is off and I feel threatened. Ambrvan felt threatened. We weren't there. We didn't see the guy. Her instincts went up and she did the best she could to address the situation. As a woman, your best defense is to listen to your instincts and to follow them. And one of the other things i have read about protecting myself is to stop being nice and worrying if you are going to offend someone who threatens you. The guy should know better than to approach a woman alone, and he sure as hell should know he is not going to be welcome. While I wish we could trust people more .... The facts are we can't in today's world.
Because they TALKED to you? When did that become illegal?
I'm not blaming anyone for being careful and alert, but this is taking things to extremes and villainizing other people because of YOUR fear.
No it is actually doing exactly what a police officer asked me to do because our neighborhood has had teens/young adults go up to houses with fake stories to figure out which houses to rob so I was told if I saw anything like that which is not normal for the neighborhood to call the police. You don't only call the police to report crimes but to report suspicious behavior to PREVENT crimes. When I did it a few months back I was not scared of the guy at all but it was suspicious and exactly was the officer asked me to look out for.Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
I love the people who say it would be BETTER to say no and shut the door on the guy's face, because then he would have more dignity. DH and I both took jobs that were "beneath us" which is a huge blow to our respective egos. My boss is younger than I am, is less educated, and has less experience. It is a little depressing. I guess he should have done me the favor by NOT hiring me, so I couldn't help support my family. I would gladly have food for my kids over my pride!!!
Amber, I think you handled a difficult situation as best you could. Don't compromise your own safety just to be "nicer" to a random stranger who shows up at your door.
Most advocates for the hungry, homeless do not suggest that people give strangers food and shelter to help them. The longer term solution is for them to find sustainable food / shelter resources.