Thinking about getting a night time nanny...

hlb622 · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
I feel Iike our baby is always so uncomfortable and upset. She rarely smiles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong and maybe a nanny will know more about babies than me because she fusses all the time. I've never been around a baby that is so fussy and upset. I'm trying all different feeding styles, I bought six types of bottles yesterday and nipples thinking maybe that's why she's so uncomfortable and can't sleep. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or what but I'm becoming mor depressed and just feel like I can't figure out what's wrong with her and why she screams so much. Maybe an experienced nanny who is around babies would know.

Maybe. I know when I haven't slept well, I'm agitated and easily frustrated, which I think LO can sense. That's when I elbow DH and tag him in. Parenting is a shared responsibility, FFS.

If you're using bottles, there is absolutely no excuse for your husband to not help out in the MOTN to let you get a 4-hour stretch of sleep. That's bullshit.

yesthisiskim0401 · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
Don't judge but we really can't keep up this routine when I return to work. I'm the breadwinner for our family and I'll return to work next month and our LO hates sleeping, going to sleep, napping, pretty much anything that involves sleep. I'm considering a nighttime Nanny. LO is now 10 weeks old and going back to sleeping 1-3 hour stretches. We are at a loss, I just can't return to work on this little of sleep and continue to support our household. Has anyone else done this or have recommendations on how to find one? Care.com? I hate to resort to this but my DH is little help.

Jessjames210 said:
Yeah DH works, he's a teacher, he'll sometimes take a shift on a weekend night but never during the week while he's working.

Jessjames210 said:
Well I'm pretty much doing it all on my own and for now I can handle it while not working but once I return it's going to be a different story. I have a pretty high stress job that requires lots or travel, for example, I return to work on January 2nd and fly out to a 6 day meeting in Texas on the 5th. My Mom has offered to stay all week with DH because he even said there's no way he could do it. I don't know, maybe with that experience and without me doing everything he'll see how hard it is. I've told him my mom is there to help, not doing everything for him because she is our child.

I also have friends that have hired nighttime nannys either through their religious organization or from a friends' recommendation and it seemed to help the family out tremendously.

Jessjames210 said:
Yes it was planned. However he's never been one to step up very willingly, because if that I've always taken care of most things, the house work, bills, he ummm...mows the lawn and shovels the snow but that's about it. Now with the baby here house work has only intensified and as you know taking care of the baby is an around the clock job, I'm still doing pretty much everything plus add the baby to the mix. She was being so bad last night though that I told him I wasn't cooking dinner so he made us sandwiches. I'm just saying something has gotta give over here.

Just in case.

pmarie33 · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:

I feel Iike our baby is always so uncomfortable and upset. She rarely smiles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong and maybe a nanny will know more about babies than me because she fusses all the time. I've never been around a baby that is so fussy and upset. I'm trying all different feeding styles, I bought six types of bottles yesterday and nipples thinking maybe that's why she's so uncomfortable and can't sleep. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or what but I'm becoming mor depressed and just feel like I can't figure out what's wrong with her and why she screams so much. Maybe an experienced nanny who is around babies would know.

Maybe she needs a change of scenery, like um..... her father?

He needs to read this post.

yesthisiskim0401 · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
Yes I'll admit, he needs to grow up but he's 30 so who knows if that'll change. He keeps saying he can't wait until she's a little older because he feels like the baby stage is so hard and there isn't much he can do.

Jessjames210 said:
And when I say nighttime nanny I mean someone to help from like midnight to 4 am so I can get 4 solid hours of sleep before going to work until.

Jessjames210 said:
She was screaming for two hours, you're right. She was being a baby, not bad.

Jessjames210 said:
I feel Iike our baby is always so uncomfortable and upset. She rarely smiles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong and maybe a nanny will know more about babies than me because she fusses all the time. I've never been around a baby that is so fussy and upset. I'm trying all different feeding styles, I bought six types of bottles yesterday and nipples thinking maybe that's why she's so uncomfortable and can't sleep. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or what but I'm becoming mor depressed and just feel like I can't figure out what's wrong with her and why she screams so much. Maybe an experienced nanny who is around babies would know.

Jessjames210 said:
Nope, not mud. I feel like my baby screams so much. Even my MIL acts like I'm doing something wrong because our LO is always so fussy. She keeps telling me to switch to formula because it has to be my milk that's making her tummy upset.

Jessjames210 said:
Yes we've been to the pedi and she said she didn't want to medicate her because she's gaining weight. I just actually called them again this morning at about 8:20 and said we NEED to try something's because I hate seeing her in pain. I'm waiting for a call back.

Just got to page 2.

Carry on Jessntim! I mean, Jessjames.

yesthisiskim0401 · December 2013

mdharrison said:

SnoopyLuv said:

Jessjames210 said:

I feel Iike our baby is always so uncomfortable and upset. She rarely smiles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong and maybe a nanny will know more about babies than me because she fusses all the time. I've never been around a baby that is so fussy and upset. I'm trying all different feeding styles, I bought six types of bottles yesterday and nipples thinking maybe that's why she's so uncomfortable and can't sleep. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or what but I'm becoming mor depressed and just feel like I can't figure out what's wrong with her and why she screams so much. Maybe an experienced nanny who is around babies would know.

No one will know more about your baby than you. Have you been to the pedi to rule out reflux or any other issues? Is she fussy all day long? Maybe ask your Mom to come help you for a weekend. If you are anxious and not confident, the baby picks up on that.

You should make an appointment to talk to someone about PPD.

And tell your husband to step the fuck up.

SnoopyLuv said:

SnoopyLuv said:
Sorry, thought it needed to be emphasized. He wanted this, too, so he needs to help out. I don't care what he works or what his excuse is.

Besides, we all know that things written in big red letters mean serious business!

Gatorsgirl731 · December 2013

@yesthisiskim you read my mind.

@jessjames210 what kind of formula are you feeding LO? Have you tried any others?

blondolphn · December 2013

Oh no, now it's legal

EmJ&B · December 2013

Oh for heaven's sake.

OP, if this is real then please get some help. I've been really frustrated with DH because he doesn't offer to help ... but guess what? When I tell him to take the baby so I can nap, shower, etc, ... he does just fine. Ideal? No. Improving? Yes.

yesthisiskim0401 · December 2013

Oh, and @jessjames - does your baby sleep in a gold crib? That could be the problem.

Ok, I'm done.
(That's what Tim said)

mommyilene · December 2013

You need to make him start helping out more as pp have said. The only way I really know how to do this is by giving him a choice.

For instance last night. Baby needed to be fed and dishes needed to be cleaned. Since I want us to be a team I ask hubby if he wanted to feed a baby or do the dishes. Things go a lot better when he "thinks" he is controlling the situation and to some extent he is......just on my terms.

I teach too an use this approach with difficult kiddos. It's called "love and logic". You should try it.

The trick is he has to know there is no third option. You give him two options and make sure you are ok with which ever one he chooses.

Let me know how it works out for you.

emmylou78 · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:

And when I say nighttime nanny I mean someone to help from like midnight to 4 am so I can get 4 solid hours of sleep before going to work until.

It might be hard to find someone for just 4 hours in the middle of the night. Especially since her sleep patterns can change quickly, and may be sleeping for 5-6 hour stents at a time soon. Would you keep the help once she is sleeping longer? Or do you have family? Although family might be judgmental if your husband is there but unwilling to help.

Ballstategrad · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
She was screaming for two hours, you're right. She was being a baby, not bad.

I hope this is genuine and not sarcasm. It's hard to tell on the interwebz.

But seriously, lots of us have been there, and it doesn't last forever. And when it's through, you'll remember how tiny she was and how precious these days really were, because you can't get them back. And I know it doesn't seem like you'll want them back, but I bet someday you will.

I think the hardest thing is to learn to relax and have confidence, but baby will recognize when you do and things will smooth over...as far as baby goes.

Now dh is a different story.

Amjoy25 · December 2013

I decided I had no words after "don't judge" and "the baby being bad"...none.

ETA needs a gif:

hlb622 · December 2013

yesthisiskim0401 said:
Oh, and @jessjames - does your baby sleep in a gold crib? That could be the problem.

Ok, I'm done.
(That's what Tim said)

If memory serves, the baby sleeps in a RnP, in/on the crib.

sooner1981 · December 2013

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

sleepy33 · December 2013

@jessjames210, we had a lot of trouble with our LO having extended screaming sessions, so our pedi put him on Zantac just to see if it helped. He said that was the easiest way to 'diagnose' reflux without doing a lot of invasive tests. Lo and behold, it helped. If your pedi won't at least try something like Zantac, I'd consider looking for a new doc. It really made things a lot more manageable for us.

Gatorsgirl731 · December 2013

sooner1981 said:
I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

Nope. Totally trust my husband to be a man and take care of the children he helped create.

Amjoy25 · December 2013

sooner1981 said:

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip. It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

I thought you were going to be helpful, but all you did was attack all the women on this board...sadsies, because you usually have good advice. At least you could recommend a nanny. Why the twisted panties this morning?

sooner1981 · December 2013

Gatorsgirl731 said:

sooner1981 said:
I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.
Nope. Totally trust my husband to be a man and take care of the children he helped create.

Then you were not the one I was talking about

I am just saying that we have had post after post of women talking about how they haven't left their little ones for even an hour/ two hours/overnight/etc. because they either don't trust or don't want to burden their husbands with such a hard job of taking care of the baby all by themselves.

Suddenly, this poster gets crucified for suggesting that their family may need a little help over nights, especially since she travels for a week at a time on business.

Jessjames210 · December 2013

In pumping so she's only getting breastmilk but I'm wondering if I should switch to formula because maybe it's my milk?

Jessjames210 · December 2013

Golden crib, no. Rock n play, yes.

RedZee · December 2013

First, try taking a probiotic. It will help with reflux and is just really good for your milk, according to my pedi. That might help with some of those issues.

Second, you have to be the one to decide what will work in your home. If that means that your H doesn't do anything but work and wait until your children get "easier" to take care of, that's your choice. But so far I have a 3 year old and an 8 week old and I don't think it's easier - just different things are easier and others are harder. If he's annoyed that she can't communicate now, he'll be infuriated when she talks back.

Third, it sounds like maybe you guys don't really know a lot about infant care. I'm not saying that in a judgy way - most people don't and it's not something that is totally natural either. I think in your case it might help for you to have a baby nurse for a week or two who can hopefully give you and your H a crash course and might help make things easier. A friend of mine knew nothing about baby care and had a baby nurse for 2 months after her baby was born. The baby nurse really taught her how to care for her baby. If you can afford it, it might be a good option for you and the nurse might also be able to teach your husband what he can do.

blondolphn · December 2013

@sooner1981 I have left my lo with my husband so I can run errands. I am also leaving the for the weekend. There may be some crying, but I have faith in will come home to a house still standing.

So yes, I feel like I can give advice because my dh has come along way.

sleepy33 · December 2013

sooner1981 said:

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip. It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

So do I get to judge her because my H is a SAHD? I don't get the logic. Nonetheless, lots of people raise children all by themselves, without even the benefit of having a partner to help, let alone a partner AND a night nanny. You post your dirty laundry here, people are gonna give you their opinions, especially when you freaking ASK for opinions.

sooner1981 · December 2013

Amjoy25 said:

sooner1981 said:

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

I thought you were going to be helpful, but all you did was attack all the women on this board...sadsies, because you usually have good advice. At least you could recommend a nanny. Why the twisted panties this morning?

Our little guy's longest stretch of sleep last night was 70 minutes. Shortest was about 15. I "went to bed" at ten and our 21 month old woke up at 7 and during those 9 hours, I only got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep, max. This has been going on in similar fashion for weeks.

I go back to work soon to a job where clients trust me to essentially save their businesses/livelihoods in court battles and my kid clients trust me to keep them out of horrible domestic violence situations.

My husband can't help too much at night when he is working the next day because he does surgical procedures on preemies. Sleep deprivation causes shakiness and mental fog and extreme caffeine causes more shakiness. None of that is acceptable. So I generally get up with the baby because my sleep deprivation won't kill anyone.

All that said, I can sympathize with Jess James' misery in her current situation and only wanting what is best for her baby--knowing that she will be traveling and her husband can't/won't step up to the plate. I think a nanny in her situation may make sense.

It is just so hard to judge other people's situations when we aren't living them and don't know all the facts. On my first birth month board, a girl in NYC got flamed to hell for having a night nanny for a couple weeks when she first came home from the hospital. She had no close family and a husband who worked 80 hours a week. Many of the people who flamed her had moms or mothers in law who were coming to stay at their house for the first month. They didn't realize that they were getting the same kind of help that they were flaming this girl for.

Taking care of babies is hard--and it does require a village, whether family, friends or paid child care. Some of us don't realize how lucky they are to have family who helps, daycare arrangements for toddlers and older children so they can sleep during the day with their baby and stay up at night, husbands with jobs with flexible hours so they can both participate equally in middle of the night walrus, etc.

Tl;dr-- this morning, I had a serious anxiety attach about what our life was going to be like when I started back to work. Although I don't think we could go the night nanny route, I get where Jess James is coming from re: the impossibility of having two full time workers in demanding jobs and looking at months of extreme exhaustion. There is a difference in waking up once or twice a night (like many posters on this board are doing) and waking up 8-9 times a night like I did last night and like Jess seems to be doing...

Ballstategrad · December 2013

Will she take a bottle from anyone?

Amjoy25 · December 2013

@sooner1981: that's what you should have said instead of attacking the board...that was helpful.

BlessUrHeart29 · December 2013

@jessjames210

Re: the extreme fussiness, is it possible that your LO has an allergy or intolerance to something like milk? If that is the case, then switching to formula won't help unless you switch to a special formula, which is going to be a lot more expensive than normal formula. You may want to consider asking your pediatrician about it or going ahead an experimenting with cutting out dairy and seeing if that helps. Just a thought. You could post about your situation on the food allergy or breast feeding forum. They might be able to give you some advice.

ETA: I agree with pp's; your husband needs to get involved.

Gatorsgirl731 · December 2013

@sooner1981

I could get behind some of what you said and the whole night nanny if both parents were pulling their weight. Unfortunately OP is doing it all and her H is just working and making an occasional sandwich. She shouldn't HAVE to hire help because she had a capable H in the house. But I also realize that what we say will probably no be the push she needs to have the come to Jesus with her husband, so for the sake of the baby go ahead and hire a nanny.

sooner1981 · December 2013

Amjoy25 said:
@sooner1981: that's what you should have said instead of attacking the board...that was helpful.

Well, you were right. My first post did come off like I had my panties in a knot. I just felt bad for the girl...I work in a very male-dominated field and when I went back to work after my daughter, I heard so many people say "oh, we could never let our child go to daycare/be taken care of by a nanny, you are so....brave!" (Said in a super judgy voice--since all but three of them have stay at home wives and their salaries alone can provide plenty for their families). It is just a sucky position to be in to need to enlist in help outside the family to take care of the person you love most in the entire world. And that judging was just for daytime care.

But better to get adequate care/adequate rest than to crash your car in the morning because you are too tired, or get divorced because you are fighting all the time from sleep deprivation, or practice unsafe sleep practices to gain an extra hour or two of sleep and roll over and suffocate your child.

Part of being a good mom is knowing when you need to call in reinforcements and when you can't be pushed any further past your limits.
A night nanny will at least keep the child safe and fed, which is the first priority.

Jessjames210 · December 2013

I truly don't know a lot about infant care, we took baby classes at the hospital but I never babysat when I was younger and I don't have any siblings that I took care of when younger. This is really my first real experience so I'm truly seeking advice. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal for a baby to take 3 ozs in 5 minutes, it was only at a Christmas party this weekend when my friend who has a baby noticed how quickly my LO eats. That may explain her vomiting problem after eat feeding. I really appreciate the kind words and advice from those that have offered them. I'm willing to try anything to make my baby more comfortable because that's all I want.

pmarie33 · December 2013

sooner1981 said:

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip. It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

Fuck that noise. If you are going to put "many" of us into a general category, then you need to point out who you are referring to. I am on the "he needs to step up" bandwagon, but have never complained about my husband's ability to take care of his children because he can and he does.

sooner1981 · December 2013

pmarie33 said:

sooner1981 said:

I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

Fuck that noise. If you are going to put "many" of us into a general category, then you need to point out who you are referring to. I am on the "he needs to step up" bandwagon, but have never complained about my husband's ability to take care of his children because he can and he does.

Again, I was just speaking about that post a few days ago where there were several pages of posters discussing how they had not yet left their little ones or had only left for five minutes because they didn't want to leave their husbands alone with little one--for whatever reason. And leaving little one with your husband for a week while you are traveling on business for a week is definitely a big step from going to get your hair cut on a weekend.

I don't have all the answers---and I am a huge believer in husbands doing their part. But even when everyone is doing more than they physically thought possible--sometimes there are still gaps that need to be filled...

I do think Jess' husband should step up more at night. But if he is not going to, se shouldn't have to do it all by herself--especially if they have the money to pay for some extra help to give her a chance to maintain her sanity while essentially doing all the childcare and working a demanding job:

Jessjames210 · December 2013

I'm truly learning here and if she wakes up once, twice or even three times at night I can deal with that but it's the 4,5 and 6 times that is really starting to wear on me. I am going to sit down with my husband tonight and tell him I just need more help because until this Lo starts sleeping better I can't be the only one on nighttime duty.

Painterlady · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
I'm truly learning here and if she wakes up once, twice or even three times at night I can deal with that but it's the 4,5 and 6 times that is really starting to wear on me. I am going to sit down with my husband tonight and tell him I just need more help because until this Lo starts sleeping better I can't be the only one on nighttime duty.

Being a mom is hard, especially the first time around. My first woke every 1.5 hrs for mos, and didn't sttn until she was 5. Sleep deprivation is a terrible -and dangerous- thing. I had a husband (ex lol) who was just like yours. Because he refused to take care of the baby, I dropped her one day because I fell asleep standing up. Never.again. You need sleep and your DH needs to pitch in. If he refuses my advice is to hire a nanny and an attorney. Seriously, though, sleep deprivation is nothing to mess with. Happy mommy='s happy baby!

ncase2 · December 2013

Not judging - if this is what you want to do, only you know what will work best for your family. I hired my nanny through care.com - I like that I could run a background screen and find out information about them personally before meeting / interviewing them.

knottied2a666e3e38a2a87 · December 2013

MH is somewhat of a man child as well (I am breadwinner, pay bills, make appointments, make the world go around, etc.), although I give him lots of credit in that he generally takes one of the night feedings. We make it work because I go to bed early (9?) and he stays up late enough to catch the first night feeding (1?). Then I get up for the late feeding and snooze a little before I have to go to work. My real point is, you married this guy, you weren't asking all of us to hate on him. And please believe, willing husband or not, if I had the money, we'd have had a night nanny from the beginning until LO STTN. You know the answer to your question, though -- you'll check care.com and lots of other sites I'm sure, and interview lots of people and find the right person -- might only last a few more weeks though. Good luck!

Aunt Edna · December 2013

Jessjames210 said:
I'm truly learning here and if she wakes up once, twice or even three times at night I can deal with that but it's the 4,5 and 6 times that is really starting to wear on me. I am going to sit down with my husband tonight and tell him I just need more help because until this Lo starts sleeping better I can't be the only one on nighttime duty.

Good luck, I hope he comes around and realizes he needs to contribute. If he doesn't want to help take care of his family then you need to focus on taking care of you and your baby. He can fend for himself, make his own dinners, having sex with himself, etc.

Is the a reason why you couldn't go to bed earlier at like 8? That way your H could do a 8-12 shift and let you get some continuous sleep? I think he needs to do more but at least that is a start and you get some down time. Hoping things get better and make sure you use birth control...life won't get better with more kids.

KimCousino · December 2013

I'm not reading all of the responses but I'll put in my two cents....

I am back at work & H is self employed and winter is his slow time, he's in Lawncare and plows snow in the winter. There may be a time he'll have to leave at 3 am to start & you bet your ass he will be getting up. We have twins that are 2.5 months old. He gets up with one & I get up with the other. DD has slept through the night a couple times. when I know he's not doing jack the next day- he gets up himself with DS or I get him up.

Sounds like your H needs a wake up call. He's the father, it's not your mothers or a night time nanny's responsibility to take care of your child when he is perfectly capable. You're giving him an easy out.

KimCousino · December 2013

sooner1981 said:
I just want to note that many of the judgy mcjudgersons who are yelling for your husband to "step up" because this is his child too are the same women who don't trust their husbands to take care of their little ones for an hour while they get a hair cut or go to the grocery store. Yet, they want you to leave your husband alone with your little one to be the sole care provider for a week while you are traveling on a business trip.

It is easier to judge when it is someone else's life.

I trust my husband 100%. If I can manage OUR children on my own, so can he.
I will tell you OP, things do get better. It may not seem like it now, but they will. H & I were talking about our singletons and how terrible we thought it was, it was nothing compared to two. - what I'm trying to say is no matter how hard you think things are, they coul always be worse!!

Obviously it's ultimately up to you to get a night nanny. I will suggest to give your H more responsibility before doing so. He might surprise the both of you how well he can manage in his own.

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