- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
May 2013 Moms
Boo0512
member
S/O the liven it up thread: Spanking
Boo0512
member
Will you ever spank your kids? If so how old and for what offenses?
I may spank my kids if I believe it is necessary. There would be few instances where this would occur such as: doing something that could cause major physical harm to themselves or others (running into the street, doing something harmful to a small baby etc.) or when time outs/other discipline fails. My niece used to refuse time outs, she'd just keep playing and be all "No, I won't stop playing!!111!!" They would also have to be at an age where I felt they defintiely understood what my expectations of them were.
I'll add this, I was spanked by my dad (only when I was way out of line) and I have a great relationship with him. My mom had a sharp tongue and said some very damaging things to me and I remember that much more than the spankings. I do have a great relationship with my mom though too.
I personally believe there is a huge difference between spankings (on the butt) and child abuse. I understand that not everyone will agree with that.
So what are your thoughts? Yes, no, maybe? Never ever?
I may spank my kids if I believe it is necessary. There would be few instances where this would occur such as: doing something that could cause major physical harm to themselves or others (running into the street, doing something harmful to a small baby etc.) or when time outs/other discipline fails. My niece used to refuse time outs, she'd just keep playing and be all "No, I won't stop playing!!111!!" They would also have to be at an age where I felt they defintiely understood what my expectations of them were.
I'll add this, I was spanked by my dad (only when I was way out of line) and I have a great relationship with him. My mom had a sharp tongue and said some very damaging things to me and I remember that much more than the spankings. I do have a great relationship with my mom though too.
I personally believe there is a huge difference between spankings (on the butt) and child abuse. I understand that not everyone will agree with that.
So what are your thoughts? Yes, no, maybe? Never ever?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O the liven it up thread: Spanking
ETA: Honestly I don't think I will ever spank dd.
As in they refuse to actually take the time out or they never learn from the time out and continue to do the same behavior? I'm honestly wondering, not being snarky.
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Ovulation Calculator"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt189369.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>
Worst punishment: breaking up cement in our barn with a sledge hammer. Yep. We were redoing the inside of our barn and were going to re-pour the cement so I had to go in there and bust up the old cement. It was exhausting and boy did I learn a lesson. I'm sure CPS would be called nowadays.....
We laugh about it now. I guess I always knew my dad loved me even though he was the disciplinarian in our house.
Edited spelling
If people choose to spank there is nothing for me to say but I will never think it's ok.
My father made a decision he would never hit me. He did hit my brother (and they still will get into a boxing match every now and then). So without him doing that he turned to getting out his anger saying some really awful things to me.
My mom on the other hand tried not to spank and be a "modern mom" but at her age she couldn't change her ways and would just explode (my parents were already in their 50s by the time I was 10).
I definitely can see their inconsistencies rubbing off on me. I've said some horrible things to DH that I regret to this day. But then I've tapped the dogs on their noses when they misbehave. I think the terrible things my father said to me hurt way worse than the rare spankings I got from my mom. My sister really struggled with this too with her kids (who are grown now). So I guess my goal is to just end the cycle my parents started. Ideally I want my children to know discipline when they are truly doing something wrong but I want to be able to keep myself in check when they are just being kids and it's me whose frustrated. Our relationship was really strained and I left the house at 17. It really wasn't until I was getting married did they apologize and explain to me their personal struggles. Now we have a fantastic relationship and they are the best grandparents. I just don't want my children to feel they need to escape like I did.
Here is what I wanted to post:
I grew up next door to a large blended family. Within the family were twin boys, my age, who were the husband's sons from a previous relationship. On the whole they were good kids, although they "talked back" a bit and got into minor trouble sometimes - but they were just little boys from a broken home. To my knowledge, they had no relationship with their real mother. They were beaten often, with belts (on the butt) by their dad. They were constantly made to stand in corners. For just being normal, slightly rambunctious, little boys. Burned into my memory are images of those poor kids standing with their nose against the wall nearly every time I came over to play with their older sister (which, being neighbors, was a lot). The boys seemed to be singled out from all their siblings as well (there were two teenagers and a daughter my age from the wife's previous relationship, and then the couple had two daughters together who were babies/toddlers - those girls were treated like little princesses). My parents didn't use physical punishment, although my dad was pretty authoritarian, so seeing those boys treated like that was always a shock to me. I have no idea why my parents continued to let me play over there (I do remember that my mom tried to get us to play at my house as much as possible). We moved when I was 14 so I lost track of them for a while. Fast-forward twenty-five years... the twin boys didn't finish high school and have been in and out of jail all their adult lives. One was arrested a few years ago for choking his pregnant girlfriend (he didn't kill her, but she ended up in the hospital). While this is a very extreme example, the lesson I learned from witnessing all this is that physical punishment is a short-term solution with potentially terrible long-term consequences. I don't smack my dog around when he pees on the floor, wakes up the babies with his barking, chews a hole in our leather couch... why would I hit my own children? I understand that my views are probably a bit extreme, but.... I have a problem with teaching young children that the most important thing in life is to behave and be "good." First, it tells them that they are only loved and valued if they behave how I want them to. Second, it tells them that their own thoughts/wishes/beliefs/fears are less important than an adult's. Both set them up for self-esteem issues in the future. As far as the question of "what if time outs, etc. don't work." I'm not sure what I'll do then... but not spank. I will probably just keep taking away "privileges" such as toys, play dates, phone (when they're older), etc. until they back down! I don't know... but I don't see how spanking does anything to rectify the underlying problem except teach them fear and that violence achieves a desired result. ETA: Sorry - WTF happened to my paragraphs!? Also, I meant to add that I've often wondered why my parents didn't call CPS on these people. I think because they spanked on the butt rather than anywhere else, my parents probably thought the neighbor couple were just shy of the "line." I don't know.Very well said
I think the key to discipline is consistency. If you always follow through with the consequences for poor behavior, I think you will see results. And I know it might sound lame but I think Deborah Tillman from America's Supernanny has some good ideas about time outs which she calls the calm down corner. She goes through the technique on the first episode. https://www.deborahltillman.com/parenting-tools-techniques.html
I also am going to try to affectionately reward and praise good behavior and be unemotional and detached in my response to bad behavior. Children most often just want attention, and I think if you show them that bad behavior is not rewarded with attention and that good behavior is, they will favor the better behavior.
.
However, I can't honestly say that I feel there are no circumstances where it may be called for.
My plan is to judge each situation and decide disciplinary action accordingly.
I don't feel that "one method fits all" when it comes to this topic.
O14 January Signature Challenge: Snow Fails
When a child is really young I find redirecting is the way to go. If there is something I don't want a young child to touch it shouldn't be within reach of the young child. If it is something I can't move out of reach I will keep redirecting and moving the child. (Ex I have to redirect my niece from the tv several times before she will move on) . There are so many situations and so many reactions that do not involve spanking or fear. It's kind of impossible to say what I would do in every case but I can say there will be no spanking.
I think you kind of have to tailor the response to the specific situation and child to be effective.
What about when spanking doesn't work? What happens when you find your child still misbehaves even after being spanked?
Edit I wasn't reall asking what you would do if spanking doesn't work, just trying to say there is always the what if x, y, or z doesn't work. You just keep going.
I was smacked by my mum and I hated. She also had a tongue that would cut like a knife. But as for smacking it did no good whatsoever. I knew that it would be over and done with so it never served to stop me from doing something if I truly wanted to.
My grandparents on the other hand never raised their hands and I was far more respectful towards them. I never wanted to disappoint them. They never even raised their voices. They were perfect.
So, will I smack Eliza? I sincerely hope not. I know if I ever do I will be hugely apologetic. It's not the message I want to send to my child; if you disobey me I will hurt you.
The other point I wanted to make (can you tell I feel passionately about this topic?) is that by the time spanking is invoked, usually accompanied by yelling or at least a raised voice, I feel like the parent has lost control of the situation. I try not to let emotion creep in when I'm solving a problem at work, or dealing with conflict with DH or an adult family member. I think the same should apply when dealing with problems raised by my child.
Also, as @LaxMOM44 and others are pointing out, it's a slippery slope. Kids are smart and will figure out that a light spanking is "worth it" not to lose valued privileges. So then what happens? The parent gets angry that the spanking isn't "working," beats a little harder...
My dad never slapped me or hit me anywhere except my butt. I never felt abused. At the time I thought, "My dad is so mean!" But I also thought that when they took a toy/privilege away.
While I agree that hitting is hitting, I think that the manner in which it could be done says a lot. A quick smack on the hand is a non verbal warning not to touch and a quick smack on the rear is a non verbal warning of being close to crossing the line. The one time I swatted my nephew, it was in this line of thought.
And another thought - when I was a teen and mouthed off to my mother, I was smacked on the cheek (not a slap, but a quick hard tap on my jaw). As a grown woman (and yes, even as a teenager), I know it was well deserved. For that type of behavior and age, how do you feel about this? For me, I pray that we raise her well enough not to tempt this one...
--------------------------
I agree with @scormier123's mom. My issue with spanking is that there's no obvious link to the "crime" committed. Whereas if a child bites, and you bite him/her back, fully explaining what you're doing and why, he learns that biting hurts and that his actions hurt someone. Now if he continued to bite out of maliciousness, I wouldn't bite back, because there's no lesson to be taught in that. I'd move to the taking away toys, etc. plan.
Edited to separate my reply from above quotes