DH disagreement finding out gender

amanda235 · November 2013

DH and I have been duking it out over whether or not to find out baby's gender before delivery. Anyone with thoughts, ideas or suggestions about how to discuss this without it ending in an argument?

sheacox · November 2013

There is still a lot of time to discuss this. I would just keep talking it out and discuss your reasons for and against it. You will know what to do when the time comes.

AmericanInOz · November 2013

We decided not to find out the first time around, it was fun to have the surprise

Now for #2 we will find out, just for a different experience, we definitely won't tell people the name, but we're in disagreement over whether to tell people the sex or not once we know

I would like to, thinking it'd be hard to keep to myself, but then I did keep our names secret last time

GL I don't think there's really a 'right' answer when it comes to this

amanda235 · November 2013

Thank you ladies.

biglewzer · November 2013

What about one of you finding out and the other not?

lindseymik13 · November 2013

We compromised. the first we didn't find out because I was the one doing all the work so I got to decide. The second we found out because I let DH decide. this time we aren't finding out because it is way better not knowing.

Alibabs · November 2013

My DH never wanted to know and never will. He likes the surprise. I let him away with it on #1 and #2 but on number 3 I hatched a plan.
When we went for the ultrasound, I asked the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope. She didn't seal the envelope (DH didn't see that) and I put it in my bag. When I got to work I checked it and knew I was having a boy. It was lovely to know. So I sealed the envelope and when I got home I told DH that I was putting it on the shelf and if I really wanted to know I would open it. It lay there unopened and he thought I didn't know which was great for him. We both got our way. I told him after the birth what I did and he laughed. I'd like to find out for this one too

It was easy to keep it from him. I respect his right not to know.

PregsMcSnoozalot · November 2013

lindseymik13 said:

We compromised. the first we didn't find out because I was the one doing all the work so I got to decide. The second we found out because I let DH decide. this time we aren't finding out because it is way better not knowing.

interesting! why was it way better not knowing?

Lola825 · November 2013

Alibabs said:
My DH never wanted to know and never will. He likes the surprise. I let him away with it on #1 and #2 but on number 3 I hatched a plan.
When we went for the ultrasound, I asked the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope. She didn't seal the envelope (DH didn't see that) and I put it in my bag. When I got to work I checked it and knew I was having a boy. It was lovely to know. So I sealed the envelope and when I got home I told DH that I was putting it on the shelf and if I really wanted to know I would open it. It lay there unopened and he thought I didn't know which was great for him. We both got our way. I told him after the birth what I did and he laughed. I'd like to find out for this one too
It was easy to keep it from him. I respect his right not to know.

So, let me get this straight. You lied to your husband multiple times for months and kept a pretty major secret from him because you respect him? If I had done this and not told my husband he would not have laughed it off. Finding out the sex of the baby is a major deal, if you respected your husband you would have respected his wishes fully and done what you both agreed to do. Not go behind his back and do whatever you wanted and not told him "out of respect".

jnnfrrose6 · November 2013

Last time we weren't going to find out (I wanted to, DH didn't), but FIL got sick. Once it got serious, we made the decision to find out so we could tell him. We were able to tell him we were expecting a boy the day before he passed. It was bittersweet. We decided not to tell anyone else until DS was born (though DH slipped several times around my family). This time we aren't finding out.

cakebatter27 · November 2013

Alibabs said:
My DH never wanted to know and never will. He likes the surprise. I let him away with it on #1 and #2 but on number 3 I hatched a plan.
When we went for the ultrasound, I asked the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope. She didn't seal the envelope (DH didn't see that) and I put it in my bag. When I got to work I checked it and knew I was having a boy. It was lovely to know. So I sealed the envelope and when I got home I told DH that I was putting it on the shelf and if I really wanted to know I would open it. It lay there unopened and he thought I didn't know which was great for him. We both got our way. I told him after the birth what I did and he laughed. I'd like to find out for this one too
It was easy to keep it from him. I respect his right not to know.

There would be no laughing about this at my house. DH would be pissed I kept a secret like that and vice versa. A big lie is never a good way to compromise IMO.

TurtleMonsters · November 2013

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Lola825 · November 2013

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.

amanda235 · November 2013

My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn.
Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

biglewzer · November 2013

amanda235 said:
My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn.
Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

What? You got a problem with duckies froggy's and monkeys?

LOL

biglewzer · November 2013

Lola825 said:

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.

Welp, thank The Lord you are having a baby with your SO and not OP.

You can unclench now.

rachoochoo2 · November 2013

DH and I are somewhat at odds for this but we had made an agreement last time when I wanted to go team green and he didn't (so I gave in) that it would be my call this time so it is. He has already pushed at me a little to find out but in general he has acknowledged that it is my choice this time. Maybe sit down and write a pro/con list. Go out to a nice dinner and talk it out! You do have a lot of time to figure it out but it's nice to be on the same page so that it isn't an ever rising issue for the next 9 months.

amanda235 · November 2013

Not at all... Unless that's all the little babe has for the wardrobe lol

jnnfrrose6 · November 2013

amanda235 said:

My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn. Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

There's a lot of great gender neutral things. Pros to this, too, is if you have more kids, you don't have to worry about it being the "wrong" stuff for that child either. I was happy with the mix of stuff I got, and I think I got less clothing wise, and more things I actually needed because people couldn't just get the "cute/gender specific" outfit at the store.

We also did onesie decorating at one of my showers and that was a lot of fun and stocked me up for awhile on onesies. We purposefully did a range of sizes. It was fun to pull one out that was made for DS once he got into the 6 or 9 mos sizes.

gallifreygirl · November 2013

I really don't have too much of a preference either way at the moment but DH really wants to know so we're probably going to go with that.

yurmom · November 2013

amanda235 said:
Not at all... Unless that's all the little babe has for the wardrobe lol

Yeah I don't blame you for not wanting all gender neutral clothing, it's alright I guess but I do think people are less inclined to buy clothing. We knew DD was a girl and we received enough clothing for an entire year...it was awesome.

Lola825 · November 2013

biglewzer said:

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.
Welp, thank The Lord you are having a baby with your SO and not OP. You can unclench now.

Yes, I guess thank the lord I am having a baby with a DH who trusts me not to conceal important information from him. Nothing clenched about wanting my partner to be honest and expecting the same from me.

PS - That wasn't directed towards OP it was directed towards the PP I quoted who admittedly lied to her partner out of respect.

helloblueeyes · November 2013

This will be a constant discussion in my house probably all the way up to the day we can find out, lol. I don't want to know beforehand, DH does. My DH could never keep it from me if he knew and i didn't. He couldn't even manage to keep the fact that we were pregnant a secret for more then a couple hours. Plus I absolutely prefer gender neutral stuff and plan on getting a lot of it anyways so that it can be used for the next kid.

amanda235 · November 2013

Thank you all so much for your input. It's very helpful. I think I'm going to stick to my guns and not find out. There aren't very many good surprises in the world and this would be one of them.

bullybutt · November 2013

I was team green for DS and will be again for #2. It drove everyone crazy to not know and it was fun to see people speculate and try to do tests to see what you are having (which didn't work). Momma's intuition knew what we were having though

TurtleMonsters · November 2013

Lola825 said:

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.

Oh they knew. I was just sharing that it worked to have someone know and the other not.

misfitroxy · November 2013

I think it's best to reserve any judgment of the dynamics of anyone else's relationship. If Alibabs husband laughed about it, I think its safe for us to as well or at least to not go out of our way to make her feel like a betraying spouse.

Anyways, I would be curious to know why Lindsey says it was better not knowing.

BettyBoop86 · November 2013

DH and I have decided we have to know, this is our first child. If we are lucky enough to have a third child and already have a boy and a girl we will go team green the third time.

natkay02 · November 2013

amanda235 said:

My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn. Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

Nope. You register but that's all you can do. Some people will get you what you want and you can't dictate that. That's the thing about gifts.

I plan on having onesies and sleepers ready. Grey, white, yellow, green, etc. There is a ton of cute stuff out there. If this little blueberry turns out to be a girl, I figure I'll do some internet shopping. Woohoo!

Guys, in the beginning you do not need sportscoats and dresses! It's alllll about comfort. And puke and poop and drool and squishiness.

TurtleMonsters · November 2013

we knew and probably will this time because I want to ease DS into a girl (he's threatening to shove it back in if it's a girl). I have so much stinkin' blue in baby clothes I hate the stupid color. it's really annoying that ppl only seem to buy pink, blue, and yellow (green is getting a little crazy for some!). We also have a lot of uncertainty in our day to day life, so knowing something is nice here.

GL with your decision:) and DH being on board.

tourqeyes · November 2013

amanda235 said:

My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn. Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

Unfortunately telling or not telling someone what you are having will not stop them from buying ugly clothes.

ETA: This was more a follow up to the frogs and monkey comment. Thankful for the gifts but really disliked those outfits.

You will most likely get a lot of clothes regardless of whether you register for them or not. GL

Lola825 · November 2013

misfitroxy said:

I think it's best to reserve any judgment of the dynamics of anyone else's relationship. If Alibabs husband laughed about it, I think its safe for us to as well or at least to not go out of our way to make her feel like a betraying spouse. Anyways, I would be curious to know why Lindsey says it was better not knowing.

And I feel it is wrong to HIDE the information from your spouse. This is my opinion, and I am entitled to it. As others ( @turtlemonsters ) have said it works in some relationships where one person knows and the other does not. That is generally with them both knowing that one of them knows and the other would rather not know, not hiding it from their partner.

The moral of the story is each couple can choose how they want to find out, or if they don't want to know and be team green. MY POINT is that I think it should be a united decision ie. they find out, they don't, one person does and one person does not and so on. To the OP, you have plenty of time to figure this out. As you get closer to the time and in the US the DR says they can tell you right now the sex of your baby, your feelings may change.

biglewzer · November 2013

Lola825 said:

biglewzer said:

Lola825 said:

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.
Welp, thank The Lord you are having a baby with your SO and not OP.

You can unclench now.

Yes, I guess thank the lord I am having a baby with a DH who trusts me not to conceal important information from him. Nothing clenched about wanting my partner to be honest and expecting the same from me.

PS - That wasn't directed towards OP it was directed towards the PP I quoted who admittedly lied to her partner out of respect.

I'm so happy to meet the moral beacon of the group. I can already tell that not a day will go by during this pregnancy that we will not be reminded of how much better you are than the other peasants. I look forward to your daily criticisms and one-upping. Bring on breast feeding and circumcision conversations lol

One in every group...

amanda235 · November 2013

Woah didnt mean to start any drama. Let's all just agree to disagree. We are each entitled to our own thoughts and opinions and we know what works for our own relationships. No one is right or wrong. It's about what makes us happy and works for us. That's what being individualistic is all about.

pfeilele · November 2013

amanda235 said:
My only issue about not finding out is that I don't want to get a bunch of gender neutral clothes at my baby shower. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get people to stick to the registry and not get tons of gender neutral clothes? Obviously after baby comes I'm not going to feel like going out shopping for clothes. I'm torn.
Also, I don't think I could lie to my husband or vice versa. We are very honest with each other. Plus I know him too well and he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself. Ugh good thing I got time to decide.

====

Honestly, we got sports team stuff and a few ducks and frogs, but I'd rather pick out clothes for my kid. We got a lot of useful stuff and it was great. The best thing about a hospital stay and amazon prime?? Both are about 2 days!

Lola825 · November 2013

biglewzer said:

biglewzer said:

TurtleMonsters said:

a friend of mine found out while her husband didn't. It worked out well.

Did he know she knew? The issue I had is not that she knew and he didn't, it was that she lied about knowing and hid it from him. If you and your SO agree that one person can know and one would rather know thats totally your call and the decision was made together. Her DH had no idea she knew, because she lied to him and said she didn't.
Welp, thank The Lord you are having a baby with your SO and not OP. You can unclench now.

Yes, I guess thank the lord I am having a baby with a DH who trusts me not to conceal important information from him. Nothing clenched about wanting my partner to be honest and expecting the same from me.

PS - That wasn't directed towards OP it was directed towards the PP I quoted who admittedly lied to her partner out of respect.
I'm so happy to meet the moral beacon of the group. I can already tell that not a day will go by during this pregnancy that we will not be reminded of how much better you are than the other peasants. I look forward to your daily criticisms and one-upping. Bring on breast feeding and circumcision conversations lol One in every group...

This makes me laugh at this point. So because I think its unfair to lie to someone you are life partners with about something as major as the sex of THEIR baby they are having TOGETHER, I'm all of a sudden the moral beacon? Awesome.

SC1977 · November 2013

We didn't find out with #1 and I'm glad we didn't.

That said, I would love to find out for this one. I really do hate surprises and suspense. But my husband wants to wait and I know that ultimately I won't regret holding out the full 9 months.

BTW, if I secretly found out the sex and lied to my husband about it (which I admit sounded appealing when I just read it), I'd take that little tidbit with me to my grave.

Mungojim · November 2013

For us, the big surprise is that we're having a baby! For everything else, I WANT TO KNOW! Haha! I love living in a day and age where they can give you a pretty good estimation of what you're going to have.

We've found out each time. It's still a surprise whether you find it out at 12 weeks pregnant, or when the baby arrives. Personally, I want to know before I tell my other kids so that they don't get their heart set on one gender and are disappointed. We're going to say, "Guess what! You're going to have a little (brother or sister, depending)!"

It's a personal choice, but we've never regretted finding out early. It really helped us to focus on names and avoided a lot of other debates (we've had all girls so far...if/when we have a boy, there will be a debate over circumcision between us.)

mamatomp · November 2013

On my last BMB when I was pregnant with DS I remember the mom didn't want to find out, but DH did. So when they went to the ultrasound they brought in two Christmas cards. In one of them the tech wrote the sex; the other had nothing. So on Christmas morning she let DH pick a card and shredded the other. He chose the one with no sex written in it, so they ended up not finding out. Seemed like a fun way to do it, and totally fair since it was up to him which card he chose!

tourqeyes · November 2013

^^^ What a crappy Christmas gift for DH. LOL!

shanaynerz · November 2013

My DH really wanted to find out, so we did. I really didn't care either way enough. This time we'll just find out again! And with the twins I wanted to know so I knew what we were gonna be expecting two of! It's a personal decisions between you and your husband though, and, imo, one of you may need to budge a bit.

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