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Baby Names
TikiTurtle
member
Dear Abby
TikiTurtle
member
in Baby Names
Mildly entertaining:
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that after 13 years of marriage, my son and daughter-in-law are expecting a child; my first grandchild! I was overjoyed at the news. They live about 1,000 miles away from me.
I mentioned to my son that I have been looking at flights and want to come out a week before her due date so I'll be there for the big moment, and stay three to four weeks to help with the baby. I was shocked when he told me they don't want me to visit until at least three weeks after the birth, and stay for one week max.
He said my daughter-in-law will need time to heal, and they both need time to adjust to being parents before they have guests. I am not a "guest." I am the grandmother! I was also told not to expect to take care of the baby because it is "their" job.
It hurts so bad not to be wanted to share in the joy of the new baby. I have always dreamed of watching my grandchild take his or her first breath, and see the look on my son's face when he holds his child for the first time.
Is there anything I can do to change their minds and allow me to be there for my son at this important moment? Do you agree that they are being unreasonable and cruel? -- FAMILY FIRST IN FLORIDA
DEAR FAMILY FIRST: I'm sure you are a loving mother, but I don't agree, and I doubt you can change their minds.
If it is going to take three weeks for your daughter-in-law to heal, it appears the baby's birth will be by C-section, and she will need time to regain her strength. The new parents will also need time to adjust to the baby's sleep and feeding schedules. They will be sleep-deprived, and she will be nursing every few hours and not up for company.
While you have always dreamed of being present at your grandchild's birth, the reality is your son and daughter-in-law would prefer this intimate moment be shared by them alone. I'm sorry you are hurt, truly. Let them know you are willing to help them in any way you can on their terms, and take your cues from them. Do not take any of this personally.
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that after 13 years of marriage, my son and daughter-in-law are expecting a child; my first grandchild! I was overjoyed at the news. They live about 1,000 miles away from me.
I mentioned to my son that I have been looking at flights and want to come out a week before her due date so I'll be there for the big moment, and stay three to four weeks to help with the baby. I was shocked when he told me they don't want me to visit until at least three weeks after the birth, and stay for one week max.
He said my daughter-in-law will need time to heal, and they both need time to adjust to being parents before they have guests. I am not a "guest." I am the grandmother! I was also told not to expect to take care of the baby because it is "their" job.
It hurts so bad not to be wanted to share in the joy of the new baby. I have always dreamed of watching my grandchild take his or her first breath, and see the look on my son's face when he holds his child for the first time.
Is there anything I can do to change their minds and allow me to be there for my son at this important moment? Do you agree that they are being unreasonable and cruel? -- FAMILY FIRST IN FLORIDA
DEAR FAMILY FIRST: I'm sure you are a loving mother, but I don't agree, and I doubt you can change their minds.
If it is going to take three weeks for your daughter-in-law to heal, it appears the baby's birth will be by C-section, and she will need time to regain her strength. The new parents will also need time to adjust to the baby's sleep and feeding schedules. They will be sleep-deprived, and she will be nursing every few hours and not up for company.
While you have always dreamed of being present at your grandchild's birth, the reality is your son and daughter-in-law would prefer this intimate moment be shared by them alone. I'm sorry you are hurt, truly. Let them know you are willing to help them in any way you can on their terms, and take your cues from them. Do not take any of this personally.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dear Abby
(PS my mom is awesome and a fantastic grandma but yeah, overbearing and extremely self centered. I love her anyway. Haha)
My mom was totally going to come out a month before a hypothetical grandchild's birth, and/or get on a plane and fly cross country as soon as she heard I was in labor.
I showed her, LOL. She didn't come until DD was 6 weeks old
I'm afraid my parents will be this way. Those people know no boundaries.
I think both sides are a little extreme. Grandma's should expect to be invited into the the delivery room or that staying 3-4 weeks after to help out is acceptable!
However, as a recent new parent, I didn't want anyone in the room with us, I did allow visitors in the hosptial ( we had a c-section so we were there longer). Once we got home, I could have used some help around the house like cooking and cleaning for a couple of weeks (but all anyone wanted to do was see the baby) but I am not sure I would want someone actually staying in our house that long. Maybe a week, two at the max, at a nearby hotel.
Nah, I think it's pretty weird either way to expect to be in the delivery room.
You wanted your mom in the room with you and that's awesome---it's what you wanted, and the support you asked for. You're entitled to seek the birth experience you want. I didn't want anyone but my husband there, and I wouldn't have wanted my mother with me even if it had been her lifelong dream.
Besides my husband, who made the baby with me, and the hospital staff whom I've chosen to trust with the delivery of my child, no one else is entitled to be there.
Also, like...strokes and folks, but I'd rather be in a position to ask for help than be obligated with having to find a tactful way to send people away. I had my parents with me for like two weeks after DD1 was born and that was waaaaaay too long for me (even though my mom was really helpful). We came home to an empty house with DD2, and it was perfect.
Right? How can you possibly assume that your DIL will be cool with you being there for such a private, vulnerable moment? I mean, I'm really not a shy/overly modest person, but I wouldn't be comfortable having anyone I know (besides DH) in the room with me for...that.
I love DH's family and in fact we were living with them when we had our second child and it was immensely helpful not to worry about housework or DD or anything besides DS right after he was born. If I'd attempted a VBAC, I might even have wanted my MIL there when I was laboring. But we were the guests, not the hosts, and my ILs offered help without imposing it as a guise for vicarious, self-indulgent wish fulfillment.
But when you flip it around, gosh I would be hurt if my parents or in laws didn't want to help and meet my baby for a full 3 weeks after birth! A lot of people would. That timeline isn't really the norm.
Yeah, I definitely wanted help!
Yeah but they could strike a compromise and have her stay in a hotel. That's not against the law.
Meh, I think the whole "it's the parents rights, not the grandparents" is a bit overrated. Family, extreme dysfunction aside, isn't primarily about rights and defending then but about relationships and nurturing them. I don't see the parents "rights" threatened here, I see a lack of sensitivity for the grandparent relationship. Yes, they have the final say (and this woman hasn't indicated she is going to bust their doors down), but I don't see that as "the point" here at all!
I am thankful for my extended family. We set boundaries, but we wouldn't be very happy if all we ever thought about was our "rights".
********
But we don't have enough info from the letter to know if that is the situation. Everyone is kind of "adding their own story" into this story, but on the surface, with the exception of the MIL wanting to be there for delivery, nothing she is saying is crazy. And for a lot of families 3 weeks is a very long wait and not necessarily what a grandparent would expect. For all we know, the son married a difficult, crazy woman who has been unreasonably keeping her MIL at a distance for years.
Very true - mine arrived at 41 weeks, and I have a coworker who's first arrived a day short of 42 weeks
Still, for arranging air travel dates, I probably would have said a week, max two weeks past the EDD. But that's just me. It's hard to know for sure how I would have felt because for us all the grandparents were in driving distance.
They all came up the day after the birth, as I told them we'd call them when we were going to the hospital and they could leave home then. For some reason it made me feel anxious to think they'd be waiting in the waiting room during labor, and so I knew I didn't want them to arrive until after the baby was born. I figured the driving distance would more or less cover the time in labor. But as I said in PP, I found the visiting in the hospital stressful, for example; the lactation nurse finally arriving to help right as my MIL and FIL arrived. I felt selfish asking them to leave, so I asked the LN to come back. Of course it took a while for that to happen. So that was a mistake, but in that moment I wanted to be sensitive to the fact my in laws were overjoyed to finally lay eyes on their first grandchild (my DH is 37, they'd been waiting awhile!)
Anyway, every mother is different, and every grandmother is different (ie, able to respect boundaries or not). The challenge is navigating those differences with grace and respect. Not always easy it you feel like your wishes are being disrespected.
My point is that it sounds like this woman in the letter is the same way. She is making it about herself. This is an event she has been waiting for for years and instead of valuing what it means to her son, she values what it means to her (thus the creepy baby watching comment). Something that she said that made my skin crawl was the "I'm not a guest, I'm the grandmother!" My MIL pulled this same crap with us last week, demanding she be allowed to come over without calling first simply because she is DHs mom. This shows that this woman probably does have boundary issues and that's more than likely the reason she has been asked to wait. I'm sure her son and DIL have had more than a few run ins with this type of behavior from her and are taking this route to deflect it.
My MIL did wait, her choice, to come visit when DD was 3 weeks old. They also live 1000 miles away. They stayed at a hotel, again their choice. Even then, it turned into me having to play hostess. I lost so much blood after delivery that even 3 weeks PP, I tired easily and couldn't walk for long distances. IL's solution? Meet us out and we can "shop for baby and eat."
That lasted just a few days of their week-long visit, as I began to pass out during marathon shopping. When they started coming to our house, the "help" was to offer to hold baby so I could cook, clean, & do laundry.
She called last week to announce they would be coming down when this baby is due. I will be making every attempt to convince her to wait for a while longer.