Am I allowed to be PO'd about this?

TooShy2 · October 2013

I had the opportunity to take a trip to a conference just outside Disney for 5 days for work. My in-laws offered to watch our 12 month old from Tuesday to Saturday so we took our 37 month old with us and made a family trip out of it. Now at dinner tonight, my in laws told DH that they took him to their vacation home and are staying there until Sunday morning and have hired a BABYSITTER to watch him so that they can go play trivia at the neighborhood bar/golf club. They have never even met the sitter or the sitters family, but say that she has sat for other families in the complex and is "highly recommended." So let's see, stuff I'm PO'd about... They are leaving my child with someone I've never met, nor have they, they didn't ask our permission (probably because they know the answer would have been HELL NO), they can play trivia any night they are at that house, so it's not like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if there are at this club it means that MIL will be drinking, and she generally has a bit too much when she drinks. There are many other thoughts racing through my mind, but these are the tops at the moment. I' m also a little PO'd at DH for not reading his parents the riot act, but that's another matter. So, am I justified in being upset, or am I wrong? i do get that they did and have done a nice thing by watching him, but I am so uncomfortable with this it is kind of washing away all my good feelings about the situation. Flying home early is not an option. Thanks in advance.

jnnfrrose6 · October 2013

On the one hand, I'd be upset over some of the things they have done (not telling you they would be going to the vacation home instead and that they plan on going out one night without your LO). On the other hand, everything they're doing was the norm when they were raising kids, so I'm sure they don't see anything wrong with leaving your LO with a sitter that comes highly recommended yet they haven't met before and having their drinks while out.

I'm not sure it deserves your DH reading the riot act to his parents, but you should express your concerns to them when you have calmed down a bit. Let them know you don't appreciate not being told their plans to go to the vacation home and you are uncomfortable with them using a sitter no one in your family has met before. Maybe you can find some compromise there.

Iblamethebeer · October 2013

This wouldn't bother me unless I didn't trust my IL's judgment to begin with, in which case I wouldn't have left my baby with them for 5 days.

daisy662 · October 2013

I would be pissed. I don't leave my son with my in laws at all because I don't trust them not even for a few hours. I certainly wouldn't trust their judgment in a sitter. Sorry this happened.

financialdiva · October 2013

I would be upset. But also willing to compromise. Can you meet this babysitter? A 12 month old is a lot of work. Maybe your IL's think they will need a break.

My parents are watching the boys for a weekend, and even they are having my sister come up to give them a break on Saturday night. Of course, it's my sister, so I know her, so this is different.

If you don't like the sitter they hired, maybe you can hire one of your sitters?

If these aren't an option, you can always take the baby with you. I take DS2 ( 9 months) to disney often, and he loves it. They really do 'get it'. It is a lot more work though. But I can give you tips if you want.

GL

kristennd · October 2013

My understanding is that the OP is already out of town on the trip. There's no option of taking the baby, meeting the sitter, etc. I would definitely be angry.

Samiantha101 · October 2013

I would be livid, and mil would not be babysitting again.

Nechie122 · October 2013

Iblamethebeer said:
This wouldn't bother me unless I didn't trust my IL's judgment to begin with, in which case I wouldn't have left my baby with them for 5 days.

Pretty much this. Hiring a babysitter isn't weird. And in a pinch, I've even hired babysitters based on only personal recommendations and a phone interview. When DD is sick and can't go to daycare, I also book sitters through the back-up care service that DH's employer contracts with and don't get to meet them in advance.

If your ILs generally have good judgment with your DS, you need to relax. And if they don't, don't take advantage of their generosity by leaving your kid there for five days and then micromanaging them.

ridesbuttons · October 2013

You can be PO'd about anything you want. However, being PO'd about this set of circumstances is not something that would get me worked up.

You've left the baby with your inlaws so you can have a family trip (colour me confused about this) and they have hired a sitter so they can carry on with their plans during that time for one night. If you have faith in your inlaws to care for your child for a week, then surely you must trust their judgement to hire a sitter for a few hours.

Look at it this way, they didn't have to mention that any of this took place. It's not like the baby is going to throw them under the bus. They volunteered the information which in my mind only makes them more credible.

Chill out.

preggersin2011 · October 2013

I'd be pissed that I wasn't informed there were getting a sitter until after the fact. I would be livid that they had never met the person prior to leaving them alone with my LO. I would be equally livid that they travelled with my child with out my consent or permission. The fact that none of it was discussed before hand and was all told after the fact would make me never leave them alone with my child again. In my book all trust is broken. Had things been discussed first then maybe my feelings on the situation would be different.

When I was on vacation my sister arranged a sitter so that we could go to a concert together. The sitter was a teenager and baby sat my niece and several other kids in the neighborhood. I was okay with this because my niece already had a relationship with the sitter and I observed them for about an hour while I got ready before I left. I needed to know LO felt comfortable with the stranger.

emberlee3 · October 2013

ridesbuttons said:
You can be PO'd about anything you want. However, being PO'd about this set of circumstances is not something that would get me worked up.
You've left the baby with your inlaws so you can have a family trip (colour me confused about this) and they have hired a sitter so they can carry on with their plans during that time for one night. If you have faith in your inlaws to care for your child for a week, then surely you must trust their judgement to hire a sitter for a few hours.
Look at it this way, they didn't have to mention that any of this took place. It's not like the baby is going to throw them under the bus. They volunteered the information which in my mind only makes them more credible.
Chill out.

ITA.

shannm · October 2013

I'd be upset too.

laurakaz13 · October 2013

I wouldn't be upset in the least that they went to their vacation home. Why would this bother anyone? I don't get it. Who cares which of their homes they watch the baby at?

However, leaving the baby with a sitter they have never met is just wrong. If it was someone they were good friends with, I would be okay with it. But I don't understand why they can't skip trivia for one 5-day period.

Maybride2 · October 2013

Yes, I'd be pissed. If they had other plans, they shouldn't have agreed to watch your child for you. This would be the absolute last time that I allowed them to babysit. If you're worried about your child's safety, fly home early. Why is that not an option? Why was leaving your one year old out of a "family" vacation an option?

LeahCK · October 2013

I would be highly pissed.

But to calm myself down I would think along these lines if I was too far away to control the situation.

If I read your post correctly you, your husband and your 3 year old are with you, while your 1 year old is with your in laws back home (which THEY offered, so no taking advantage of them)- and they decided to go to their vacation home (how far away is this 2nd home)? How far away are you from them?

What time are they leaving for this trivia? Is it after LO's bedtime (ie. 8:30 and he remains sleeping)? If so maybe calm down a little bit and tell them that since they have never met the sitter that you want the person's full name, phone number and address. Tell them to let her know that you will call her to speak with her briefly and will be calling to check in throughout the night until your inlaws arrive back at home.

After that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER let them have my LO EVER again.

I realize that some generations seem to behave and think differently. Because their parents were aloof and care free maybe they are too and see no harm. I try to explain to my in laws that times have changed and that some things that they allowed their kids to do they are lucky that everything turned out ok. Not everyone has foresight. Some have NONE! My in laws wouldn't do that knowing that there is a boundary with us and we made that clear early on. They ask us if our LO is allowed to have or do something. I appreciate it and because of that love them to have a strong relationship with him.

I would explain to them that even though this is their grandchild it is first and foremost YOU and YOUR HUSBAND's child. They should be consulted for most decisions (especially one of this nature).

I would also tell them that it was irresponsible. But that's just me.

Breathe Deep! Woosahhhhh! This you will get through too!

mslmk11 · October 2013

I would initially be PO'd when I found out. At the least they should have called to let you know or discuss it. Yes, you left your LO in their care, but under the assumption that it would be THEM caring for your LO, not a sitter. I agree you should definitely communicate to them your thoughts on the situation but once you've settled your nerves a bit.

I'm sorry you're going through this on your vacation though, sort of taking the relaxation out of it.

mommymegan831 · October 2013

I have a glass or 2 of wine around my kids and it's really not a CPS issue. Look around next time you go out to eat, I'm sure you'll find lots of parents having a drink. You going to call 911?

I wasn't going to be the 1st to judge, but since you've been called out on it, I can't imagine taking my 3 year old to Disney and leaving my 1 year old. Yes it would be a PIA, but there's too many memmories that I'd miss him in and too many things he'd enjoy, plus in 20 years or so and you're looking back at those pictures, its going to come off real selfish when you try to explain why the baby wasn't there. Because I'm the type of person who rarely leaves my kids other than to go to work, I'd be extremely upset if my in laws drove hours away with my son and left him with a stranger. Because you're the type of person who could leave one child with your in laws while taking another to Disney, I'm going to assume your comfortable leaving your children and you don't mind trusting them in the care of others while you go out to have fun, so, not that I really know you, your in laws might assume you're ok with what they're doing.

nosoup4u · October 2013

Neither of you can fly home to be with your 12 mo old? If it's that much of an emergency, then you or DH should be calling your in-laws to let them know you don't want a stranger babysitting your kid. And I also think it's really weird you left your younger kid at home.

traveltheworld · October 2013

Iblamethebeer said:

This wouldn't bother me unless I didn't trust my IL's judgment to begin with, in which case I wouldn't have left my baby with them for 5 days.

Exactly this.

traveltheworld · October 2013

Oh but I don't think that there is anything wrong with just taking your 3 year old to Disneyland. Every kid deserves some special time with their parents; or that there is anything wrong with leaving your 1 year old for 5 days.

TooShy2 · October 2013

Thanks so much for all the replies. I would have written but because we were checking out today our Internet connection in the hotel wasn't working anymore and when I tried to answer on my phone I got an error message that I couldn't get out of. Thank you so much for all the thoughts and consideration. I'll start with the ending, which is that DH did call his parents and told him we felt uncomfortable and asked that they cancel the sitter and their plans and they told him they would. I will have to wait to see if there will be a fallout or not. DH and I haven't gotten a chance to talk about it much yet without DD being present, but I am glad that he listened to my concern. To address some of the issues/questions raised above, the situation isn't really as odd as it may have seemed. We chose to leave DS here because the 5 day conference required me to be at a different hotel for 10 hours a day on days 1 and 5. DH is a great dad, but it didn't seem manageable for him to be at the pool by himself with both an infant and a toddler or stuck in a hotel room for such a long period of time. Friends also recommended that we not bring him, and as neither of us had been before, we didn't have much else to base a decision on, so we chose to leave him here. (Part of the irony of this situation is that we had discussions before we left about the sitter service that is offered at the Disney area hotels but chose not to take him because we didn't want to leave our kids with a stranger!) As to the idea of leaving DS for 5 days and the difficulty of having my in laws care for him, please factor in that DS is in full time day care which he continued to attend while we were away. They wake him in the AM and change his diaper, then he goes to day care where all his feeding etc is done until they pick him up at 6. He then goes to bed around 8:30 and almost always sleeps through. Other times when they have offered to watch one or both of the kids on a weekend day we have offered to pay for the daughter of some friends to come over to be a mother's helper, but they have always declined. The harder questions to address are the ones about my trust of my in laws. You are correct, I think MIL has terrible judgement, although FIL has pretty good judgement but has difficulty standing up to MIL. I won't go into nitty gritty details, but I do believe there is an alcohol issue; I am not talking about a "glass or two" of wine, I am talking a bottle plus, including if she is the only person drinking with dinner. Yes, you can call me out on the basic decision to leave him with them at all. The thought process there is that she is a binge drinker who drinks too much in social situations, not by herself. When the plan was for them to be in town and at home with DS, that felt comfortable. When the plan changed, it became very UNcomfortable, very quickly. It has been hard to be away from him, but going to this conference was an excellent opportunity for my job, that because of some timing, it was a really once in a lifetime opportunity. So, these are some of the explanations about how this situation came to be. Thank you again for all the thoughts and effort that went into sending me replies. They are very much appreciated and always make me think about my position with a different point of view. (SORRY FOR THE BLOCK TEXT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FORMATTING.)

TooShy2 · October 2013

Sorry for the lack of formatting in my posts. I wrote them out with paragraphs and I'm not sure what happened.

kristennd · October 2013

If I had a 3-year old and a 1-year old, I would absolutely take the opportunity to only take the older one to Disneyland/World. The younger one is too young and it would be such a treat for the older one to be able to focus on them and what they want to experience there. It's not like the younger one would never get their turn.

LeahCK · October 2013

I think that situation can arise with many people. One of my sister in laws leaves her children frequently (with various people, including the in laws) while another one of my sis in laws does not like leaving her LO with anyone except daycare. I am middle of the road. In a situation with your inlaws where you trust one but not the other is a hard place to be in. Most marriages have in laws. Many marriages have to work to make things great with them all or most of the time. I trust my LO with in laws at various times (after bedtime, maybe for an hour, etc). Overnight, nah! But I would leave my LO with ONE of my sis in laws in a heartbeat for any amount of time because she is that good with babies and has excellent judgement.

I think you made a decision comfortable for you and it worked out. Life is just a journey filled with experiences that teach you.

P.S. I took my niece to Disney and left my LO for 2 nights (when he was 13 months) and am glad I did because I saw many people with infants and it was incredibly hot and very little shade. Although I missed him terribly I am glad I left him at home. My feeling was that I would be dragging him around in the heat and it would have been awfully uncomfortable for him. He was home comfy and cool. We will go back when he is older and as a family.

laurakaz13 · October 2013

theresat858 said:

wife07mom09 said:

id also offer to fly DH home early if they feel they cant watch your baby. Id be upset too but Im in the camp of not leaving a 12 mo old for 5 days, call me overprotective and my IL ca barely watch mine for 2 hours. I did leave my 13 mo old with my mom for 2.5 days and it was realy hard. the baby was in the process of being weaned and didnt take well to someone other than me at bedtime. DH came with me to a work conference. as good as it wa to be away from the kids, I would not do it again with a LO so young.but thats e. I know lots of people leave LO overnight. in your case Id probably come home becasue a stranger watching my baby would destroy any confidence I had in the caretaker. and drink aound my kids? no way. If your MIL was drinking at all around your baby Id persoanlly never leve them again. hope this all works out and you enjoy the rest of your semi vacation

Ooops, I didn't realize a glass of wine around my baby was terrible...better call child protective services! (if there is an adult present who is capable of driving safely - ie her FIL - then I really do not see the big deal with MIL or any adult caregiver having a drink or two around a child).

Me neither! I'm drinking a glass of wine next to DD while she watches Dora before bedtime. Call CPS on me too!

mommymegan831 · October 2013

This is totally irrelevant at this point but as a teacher I'm home alone all summer with the kids and I never feel comfortable taking the 2 around water, so I understand where you're coming from. Still, I could never leave DS while I took DD to Disney, maybe next time you can offer to take your parents or in laws with you

laurakaz13 · October 2013

Also, not everyone freaks out about leaving their kids for a few nights with great caregivers who love them. My parents are amazing and take amazing care of DD. DH and I are both military officers. We both leave for periods of time.

The most I spent away from DD was 1 month due a short deployment. Was it easy? No! But it doesn't make me a bad parent. I love my career and do it well. I hate the judgmental attitude toward women who might have to leave their LO for a little bit. It's a double standard and it sucks!

DH and I have also taken a few vacations away from DD while she's stayed with her grandparents. I totally understand why OP didn't want to take a 1 yr old to Disney World. I can't think of anything worse than having a baby in that place!

OP- I'm glad it worked out and the in-laws didn't go out and use a babysitter.

FemShep · October 2013

Chiming in with random comments.....

OP, I very much appreciated your responses. So often, people post on the boards, don't always like what they hear, and never come back. Thanks for responding in the thread.

I just got back from a Disney World trip with DH, DD1 (8), DD2 (15mo), and both sets of inlaws. While I can understand why a single parent wouldn't want to take a 3yo and 1yo to Disney on their own, having a 1yo at Disney is hardly the worst thing in the world. Disney has some amazing baby care centers, there's a ton of stuff for the LO to do, and you don't pay admission until LO is 3. I'd take her again in a heartbeat.

I don't get the "no drinking" judgement. I have a glass of wine (or pumpkin cider-yum!) with dinner 2-3 times a week. I can still drive and I'm not impaired in any way. Sheesh.

I would absolutely leave my LO with my ILs for a long weekend, and we hope to do so next year. I would have second thoughts if I was concerned about social drinking, and frankly, while I wouldn't say anything, I would be annoyed if ILs traveled a significant distance with my LO without clearing it in advance. Sounds like a good takeaway would be to always discuss expectations (like not traveling, not using unknown babysitters, etc) in advance, and if it causes issues, don't leave the LO.

thedash · October 2013

I agree everyone needs to relax and stop trying to micromanage OP's trip. Just because it's not exactly how you would have done the trip doesn't make her choice unreasonable. And I can understand trusting the IL's to watch LO at home while sticking to his normal routine for a few days but then getting nervous when they change plans suddenly and bring in a person you've never met or interviewed to babysit.

Mustardseed2007 · October 2013

LeahCK said:

I would be highly pissed.

But to calm myself down I would think along these lines if I was too far away to control the situation.

If I read your post correctly you, your husband and your 3 year old are with you, while your 1 year old is with your in laws back home (which THEY offered, so no taking advantage of them)- and they decided to go to their vacation home (how far away is this 2nd home)? How far away are you from them?

What time are they leaving for this trivia? Is it after LO's bedtime (ie. 8:30 and he remains sleeping)? If so maybe calm down a little bit and tell them that since they have never met the sitter that you want the person's full name, phone number and address. Tell them to let her know that you will call her to speak with her briefly and will be calling to check in throughout the night until your inlaws arrive back at home.

After that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER let them have my LO EVER again.

I realize that some generations seem to behave and think differently. Because their parents were aloof and care free maybe they are too and see no harm. I try to explain to my in laws that times have changed and that some things that they allowed their kids to do they are lucky that everything turned out ok. Not everyone has foresight. Some have NONE! My in laws wouldn't do that knowing that there is a boundary with us and we made that clear early on. They ask us if our LO is allowed to have or do something. I appreciate it and because of that love them to have a strong relationship with him.

I would explain to them that even though this is their grandchild it is first and foremost YOU and YOUR HUSBAND's child. They should be consulted for most decisions (especially one of this nature).

I would also tell them that it was irresponsible. But that's just me.

Breathe Deep! Woosahhhhh! This you will get through too!

I actually agree with all of this. They were doing you a favor, so I would not ream them out for making these decisions without consulting me (you left your LO with them, not with this person that neither of you had ever met. That is the part that would tick me off the most).

But rather than reaming them out, I would let them know I wasn't pleased with what they did, and then I wouldn't leave LO with them again. Or maybe just not for an extended period of time like this.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

Thanks for your update. That puts things in a slightly different perspective as far as why you were concerned about your MIL going out.

I don't judge you taking just your 3 year old to Disney. Kudos to those people who took their 1 year old and it was fine, but heck - a 1 year old isn't going to remember and if it will be easier w/ just the 3 year old - I don't blame you.

I personally wouldn't be all that upset about the sitter. If the sitter came highly recommended from people they trust - eh, I wouldn't be that concerned.

The biggest thing in all of this was the not telling you ahead of time, and then w/ your update- your MILs drinking. On those 2 counts - I get where you're coming from.

Luckily they listened to you all and changed their plans. In the future, need to open up those conversations earlier!

*sparky* · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

amy052006 said:

I guess I am having a hard time buying that you would trust someone enough to leave your child with them while you go to Disney World, but yet would not trust their judgment.
The thing is that sometimes you do trust them until they do something stupid. I trusted my MIL completely. She had 3 kids and they all came out unscathed. I left Joey with her when he was 15 months old for ONE hour while I went to the store. She left all the doors in the house open and he fell down a steep flight of stairs and landed on his head in a metal gate. He had a head injury. Her response was to immediately put him down for a nap and then tell me he fell off his toddler chair 8 inches off the ground and hit his head on the matching table. It wasn't until 6 hours later when she called me crying saying she lied that I knew what had happened. She hasn't been allowed to watch him alone since. But before that one major fuck up, I had zero indication that she was untrustworthy.

Doesn't seem to be the case with the OP's MIL but it does happen.

Holy crap - I would have completely lost it on her. I can't believe she lied about it and put him down for a nap right after a head injury.

sillygirlio · October 2013

I didn't read all the comments, but I think if you can trust your in-laws to watch your baby for a week you should trust their judgment all the way. If you can't do that, you shouldn't have left your child with them. No, I don't think you have room to be angry. You chose the situation.

That being said, it sounds like the vacation home is in a smaller community... leaving your child with a highly recommended stranger is common place in a small community, so I don't question the grandparent's judgment in the least. After all, no one is really a stranger in a small community, but that's just my perspective. I'd let it go.

ebp913 · October 2013

Nechie122 said:

This wouldn't bother me unless I didn't trust my IL's judgment to begin with, in which case I wouldn't have left my baby with them for 5 days.

Pretty much this. Hiring a babysitter isn't weird. And in a pinch, I've even hired babysitters based on only personal recommendations and a phone interview. When DD is sick and can't go to daycare, I also book sitters through the back-up care service that DH's employer contracts with and don't get to meet them in advance. If your ILs generally have good judgment with your DS, you need to relax. And if they don't, don't take advantage of their generosity by leaving your kid there for five days and then micromanaging them.

This. I use sitters a lot who are highly recommended by a friend or service.

*sparky* · October 2013

Their vacation home must be pretty close by if they were still able to send LO to regular DC? Or was that for only a couple of the days and they had LO all day the other days?

I don't see what they did as a big deal, unless the vacation home were very far away. Yes it would be best if they gave you a heads up ahead of time but really it shouldn't matter which house they care for your LO in. And as far as getting a sitter, it sounds like a small community and they found someone recommended. I don't see that as a big deal either.

Now, if your MIL has issues with drinking in general to the point that it impairs her judgment, then I would not leave your LO's with them ever. If she is drinking to excess whlie caring for your children then I would say that is a big problem.

Mrs.RockyM · October 2013

Honestly, I'd be POd. First off, I would be uncomfortable with anyone taking my child out of town, unless I had known or agreed to it. Second of all, I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone watching my child that I didn't know. Regardless of how much I trust someone, it's a decision I'd like to be involved in. It's not their child, it's yours. Third of all, and most important, they're the babysitters, and if they didn't want to watch your LO they shouldn't have agreed to. It's not an emergency, it's a planned night out with friends. They can do that another time. It's not like you expect your babysitter to hire someone else to watch your kid.

SoMoNY · October 2013

I'd be pissed on so many levels.

SoMoNY · October 2013

I trust my nanny, doesn't mean I trust her judgement in picking a babysitter while she goes off to play a game.

The ILs should have been upfront about EVERYTHING so that the OP had the option to find other accommodations. If my ILs did this it would be a cold day in hell before I trusted them in any shape or form with kids.

mexicolombiana · October 2013

The whole situation would piss me off. The whole taking your baby out of town, hiring a babysitter you've never met so they can hang out with their friends? That's just dumb.

I would be pissed and wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation.

skibunny59 · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

Yes, I would be severely ticked off if someone offered to watch my child and then took them out of town and left them with a stranger without telling me. They would never be watching my kid again.

This!

Meery82 · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

amy052006 said:

I guess I am having a hard time buying that you would trust someone enough to leave your child with them while you go to Disney World, but yet would not trust their judgment.

The thing is that sometimes you do trust them until they do something stupid. I trusted my MIL completely. She had 3 kids and they all came out unscathed. I left Joey with her when he was 15 months old for ONE hour while I went to the store. She left all the doors in the house open and he fell down a steep flight of stairs and landed on his head in a metal gate. He had a head injury. Her response was to immediately put him down for a nap and then tell me he fell off his toddler chair 8 inches off the ground and hit his head on the matching table. It wasn't until 6 hours later when she called me crying saying she lied that I knew what had happened. She hasn't been allowed to watch him alone since. But before that one major fuck up, I had zero indication that she was untrustworthy.

Doesn't seem to be the case with the OP's MIL but it does happen.

Oh god, I would've choked her. A nap after a head injury is probably the worst thing you could do. I can't believe she managed to keep her 3 kids alive.

Want a personalized experience?

Am I allowed to be PO'd about this?

Re: Am I allowed to be PO'd about this?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards