People questioning your parenting choices.

PreDempsey · October 2013

I guess I should really get used to it but I'm a little PO'd. My sister is helping with my shower and we were talking about the registry insert and I mentioned something about possibly saying "No diapers or formula please."

We started talking about the fact that I was cloth diapering, to which she says something along the lines of, yeah people don't do that you're going to hate it and stop. Then we talk about how I'm planning on breast feeding and again she tells me that it never works out and it won't last. What the ever living fluck. I didn't just pick up and spend hundreds of dollars on CD's and decide to BF yesterday on a whim. I've done my damn research and people have been doing both of these things FOR-literally-EVER. These are two topics she has no knowledge on and probably never will since she doesn't want kids so it bugs me that she'd scoff at my choices.

Anyone else getting any table flip provoking feedback?

KristaBelieve · October 2013

ChuggingWater · October 2013

I wish it changed after the child is here. Of just gets worse.

Just stay strong and confident in your decisions. Explain why you are choosing to do so.

Basically, in short, people Are opinionated assholes.

Arrgcr · October 2013

Yes!!!! I'm thinking about cloth diapering a few times a week during the day. My dad has no input unless it's to defend me on things but I'm not sure really where he stands on things. I figure he thinks since I'm 26, married, live in another state, and already have a child I should do what I want.

My mom? Thought breastfeeding was not 'normal' with my first. Because she didn't do it and no one when she had me was either. She's 65. She's over that. She doesn't seem to think I can cloth diaper, even just a few days a week. I hope I can prove her wrong on that too.

I always tell people that disagree, just because we have different opinions doesn't mean either is right or wrong. It's just right for me. And if that makes it wrong for you, that doesn't mean its wrong for me.

slmille4 · October 2013

Yeah people will always question very decision u make. I will say in regards to formula don't completely turn that away because my nephew ate so much my sister did have to supplement with formula and my BFF didn't produce enough milk either.

ac1259 · October 2013

Yeah...no matter what you do you're wrong. I wound up formula feeding and I swear I felt like I had to justify it to people until she was like 6 months old at least. And my DD never latched and I had no supply at all! Then it'll become what are you feeding them? My MIL totally thinks I'm a snot for feeding DD organic baby food and tons of veggies...but whatever she likes it! My point was just it's part of being a mom- you'll be questioned all the time!

megngregk · October 2013

I am also choosing to CD and BF, but didn't think to have my hosts include anything about diapers on the invite. FWIW, in the comments section of the registries, I wrote about the color scheme in the nursery and also that we were planning to CD. My shower was yesterday, and I didn't get a single pack of diapers. I did get one set of bottles, but I had registered for them and know that I will need those. Granted, it was a small shower (I had about 15 guests), but I think the little note on the registries may have helped.

BABYROSEJEANS17 · October 2013

All the time! I stop talking about our choice to breastfeed because I'm tired of the lip service. Most recently my SIL told my SO that I shouldn't be buying so many maternity clothes because I'm going to "throw them out anyway." He made the mistake in relaying the message where I laid into him reminding him that she and I have totally different lives (she's fortunately a SAHM to her 2 kids where I work in corporate). I don't know if she's implying that I'm frivolous with money, but I don't feel that I need to justify my purchases. I just can't wait for my shower this weekend so I can get even more unsolicited advice about our parenting choices.

RobynLovesDano · October 2013

Unsolicited parenting advice deserves a throat punch!

I bf'd for a year, and have cloth diapered for over 2 years! I have had fantastic experience with both

parenting choices are so individual though, you do you!!

PreDempsey · October 2013

slmille4 said:

Yeah people will always question very decision u make. I will say in regards to formula don't completely turn that away because my nephew ate so much my sister did have to supplement with formula and my BFF didn't produce enough milk either.

I have two weeks supply of formula and 400+ diapers stock piled (we'll need them for daycare) so I'm definitely prepared if things don't work out.

quidditchcapn1120 · October 2013

It unfortunately gets worse after the baby gets here.

My MIL frequently referred to nursing as weird and gross when I was BFing DS. It infuriated me but have me even more motivation to meet my goals and ended up nursing for 15 months.

LMCB12 · October 2013

Might as well just get used to it. People have no respect when it comes to parenting and their way is always the better/right way.

HappyDoc · October 2013

From what I understand, the unsolicited advice never ends.... so...

csandroo · October 2013

I don't go around family and friends announcing I'm cloth diapering and breastfeeding because I don't think it's superior to disposable diapers or formula feeding I just think it is what will work best for our family ... and yet every time I am asked and it does come up I hear an earful of how I am going to quit both in no time. I don't understand how people feel comfortable telling someone they are going to fail at something ... I would never tell someone they're going to quit something they set out to do. Whether they are setting out to run a marathon, start a business, cloth diaper, nurse, eat vegan ... WHATEVER they are trying to do in their lifestyle I would never discourage it -- even if deep down I thought it was a silly endeavor I would keep that to myself. RANT OVER.

pixieonboard · October 2013

quidditchcapn1120 said:
It unfortunately gets worse after the baby gets here.

My MIL frequently referred to nursing as weird and gross when I was BFing DS. It infuriated me but have me even more motivation to meet my goals and ended up nursing for 15 months.

Makes You Wonder Where Your MIL Got Her Opinion Of Something So Natural And Basic Being Weird?

ashleywiz · October 2013

It is very frustrating when you say you're planning something and the person you decide to share it with thinks that they need to give you their "opinion."

(for a little eye candy and to express how I feel about people saying these things)

megngregk · October 2013

pixieonboard said:

It unfortunately gets worse after the baby gets here. My MIL frequently referred to nursing as weird and gross when I was BFing DS. It infuriated me but have me even more motivation to meet my goals and ended up nursing for 15 months.
Makes You Wonder Where Your MIL Got Her Opinion Of Something So Natural And Basic Being Weird?

I have to ask. Why the misuse of capitalization?

JaneW2 · October 2013

My mother has been judging my childbirth choices. She wants me to take Lamaze classes and go all-natural, the way she did. I've tried explaining to her that epidurals have improved a lot in 30 years, but I'm not sure she believes me. (I might get an epidural, I won't choose until labor actually comes.)

Not that there's anything wrong with childbirth classes, but I don't need to take one where they tell you that if you have a c-section you failed as a mother and vaccinations cause cancer. Unfortunately, I've had a tough time finding an actual science-based class.

Arrgcr · October 2013

HappyDoc said:
From what I understand, the unsolicited advice never ends.... so...

@HappyDoc I adore you. I love Sheldon.

ScarlettDahlia · October 2013

I got the stink eye for saying that we would be BFing. But it's our decision and if people don't like it, tough shit. I'm still debating on CDing, but I'm sure people will have their opinions on that as well

nbbride06 · October 2013

Unfortunately it never ends. Just make your choices known only when necessary and let it be known that it's not open for discussion. It took me awhile to get to that point with MIL. Anyway, as for diapers and formula, I'd just return whatever you get that you don't want. I did get some diapers at my shower but no formula (although BFing is the norm in my circle). I just returned what I didn't want. I did keep a couple cans of formula (free from OB's office) just in case. They are actually still sitting in the pantry "just in case" for this LO.

litzo27 · October 2013

It gets worse. Much, much worse. Do your research, be confident in your decisions and learn how to do a huge internal eye roll while maintaining a polite smile.

sugarland726 · October 2013

Agree with the other BTDT moms that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I suggest you find a script that works for you to repeat back to people, memorize it and live by it. No matter what you do someone will judge you. It sucks.

Shannahbee · October 2013

Yeah, my one co-worker with 2yo twin girls thinks he is the expert on everything baby. He was listing off all the things I would 'need', including a bunch of formula-feeding supplies. I said that hopefully I wouldn't need that stuff since I planned to breastfeed, and he looked at me like I was so naive and said, "Good luck with that." WTF?! It's funny how much ppl think their way is the only way, because on the other side I have my Mom, who breastfed all four of her kids, and was a lactation consultant, rolling her eyes at me if I worry out loud about not being able to breastfeed for whatever reason.

JaneW2 · October 2013

@Shannahbee: To be fair, it's harder to BF twins, especially since exclusive breastfeeding means Mom has to get up every time either baby needs to be fed. Most women who want to breastfeed succeed, but about 30% have some significant difficulties and up to 10% can't for one reason or another.

Of course, he ought to have a bit more faith in you!

MamaP19 · October 2013

Motherhood has taught me a lot of lessons - the #1 lesson being never to judge what another mom does with their kid (with the exception of intentionally hurting them). I got lots of stares and shitty comments for formula feeding, but of course no one bothered to find out that after a traumatic birth with DD, my body decided not to produce any BM. I had my heart set on breastfeeding and was totally crushed it didn't work out. I also got a lot of taunting remarks, from family members no less, because I had my heart set on natural birth but ended up with a c/s. I wish it wasn't the case, but people (especially those withOUT kids) will judge what you do. It took me about a year but I finally have thick enough skin where I really don't give any weight to what other people think. I've never made any decision for my daughter that wasn't well-researched and with her best interests at heart. If someone else doesn't like, they can go fluck themselves..

I will never understand anyone that doesn't support breastfeeding. And as far as CDing goes, if it's good enough for the royal baby - I'm pretty sure it's just fine for my kid too.

Caitlinm123 · October 2013

My sister (who has no kids) or my Grandma make comments on things we have decided so far. I just tell my sister that when she has kids she can do what she wants or say well this how we are going to do it, then walk away. It always seems to work.

WinsyWade · October 2013

Didn't read re other responses yet, but I'm angry for you...

Sure BF doesn't work for some but why is there reason to believe that it won't work for you?! Way to back you up. Grrr. Breast feeding... You can do it!
Typically people don't give formula at showers though, so I don't think you need to add that to the insert.

For the disposable diapers, I don't think you need to say it either because most people would rather pick something they'd love to receive or something off your registry. If you get diapers, you could use them as back up, give them to a homeless/battered woman's shelter or return them.

purple.cow.0206 · October 2013

I haven't gotten any judgement yet on either of these things, but I'm also trying to be realistic and go with the flow. I'm planning on BFing and using disposable diapers (we live in an apartment that doesn't have its own washer/dryer in unit, so it's just not feasible in our minds to CD), but I also know that BFing may not work out for me. I was formula-fed and I'm completely fine and healthy, so I'm open to formula if BFing doesn't work, though I do want to give it a real, honest try and not just go with formula right away.

lolinshag · October 2013

I would get comments about wanting to go med free and breast feeding. I would always just laugh and say something about "well, i just really want to give it a try. Might not work out, but i do want to at least try." I thunk a lot of people make these comments thinking that WE are judging THEM, when in reality we are not.

lucrezia1480 · October 2013

much support for all your choices, but kinda tacky to put in a shower invite

tootsscott · October 2013

Our intention is to breastfeed the twins and haven't gotten any flack for that yet, but the look on my MIL's face when I said I wasn't going to get special baby laundry detergent and use what we already use was priceless! I'm sure she'll go out and buy us a year supply of it just so we use it, but I explained it doesn't hurt to TRY what we've always used and IF the kids react to it then we'll switch!

AnnikaD20 · October 2013

My mom did BF/CD with us, so she's supportive of those choices, but anything that differs from how she raised us gets me major judgement. Apparently, she spooned rice cereal into our faces at 3 months and we turned out fine, so BLW is stupid nonsense. (She actually told me that our pediatrician would be able to set us straight on that topic.) Also, she never needed [insert thing that wasn't invented 25+ years ago when she was having kids] so clearly it's not all that useful.

I'm sure it will only get more fun once the baby is born.

waittilltomorrow · October 2013

Having a stash of disposables will be handy if for instance the baby has gastro and also for the first few bowel movements

Siblynika · October 2013

Once you have a kid, EVERYONE has an opinion and they ALL believe their way is the only way. My MIL still thinks I'm nuts for wanting to CD and BF. She just assumes I get it from my mother whom she also believes is a little odd. Frankly, I don't see how it's anyone's business how you choose to raise your child. If they're healthy and growing, what difference does in make on how you decided to feed them?

juliasmama2010 · October 2013

Wow, I'm sorry y'all are getting so much crap from people about BF and CD! I don't know if people aren't asking or if I'm just subconsciously ignoring the crap they spew out, but I haven't had too much by way of unsolicited advice (knock on wood). FX it stays that way, cuz I know some people can be relentless. A PP said it best, just cuz it's wrong for someone else, doesn't mean it's wrong for you. Worry about your family first and everything else will fall into place!!

AprlShwrs18 · October 2013

You do get a little immune after a while (3 years here), but there will still be people who make you want to flip tables. I can't think of anything that's gotten under my skin lately - except my mother telling me how to potty train...that drives me crazy. I'd love for her to get the toddler middle finger and then try to tell me what to do. :P

AprlShwrs18 · October 2013

MamaP19 said:

Motherhood has taught me a lot of lessons - the #1 lesson being never to judge what another mom does with their kid (with the exception of intentionally hurting them). I got lots of stares and shitty comments for formula feeding, but of course no one bothered to find out that after a traumatic birth with DD, my body decided not to produce any BM. I had my heart set on breastfeeding and was totally crushed it didn't work out. I also got a lot of taunting remarks, from family members no less, because I had my heart set on natural birth but ended up with a c/s. I wish it wasn't the case, but people (especially those withOUT kids) will judge what you do. It took me about a year but I finally have thick enough skin where I really don't give any weight to what other people think. I've never made any decision for my daughter that wasn't well-researched and with her best interests at heart. If someone else doesn't like, they can go fluck themselves..

I will never understand anyone that doesn't support breastfeeding. And as far as CDing goes, if it's good enough for the royal baby - I'm pretty sure it's just fine for my kid too.

Yup - I really do try not to judge....unless I know you're judging me, than I judge right back.

LittleMommaBlueHen · October 2013

One of my aunts who chose to formula feed her kids from the beginning kept warning me that breastfeeding really doesn't work out for most women. I kind of just wanted to punch her, but then I realized that maybe she doesn't know many women who have breastfed. She thinks me cloth diapering is weird, but she is a germaphobe so that doesn't really surprise me at all.

SweetPeaKate · October 2013

Bottom line is people can't help it and can't keep their mouths shut. And?? if it's not directly to your face you can almost guarantee that people are talking after you leave the room.

If you end up getting diapers, you can always return them to a store that sells a similar package (BRU is a little trickier in my experience based on their diaper selection) but you can always get store credit. I've never seen formula given at a baby shower, but I suppose some people might?

Shannahbee · October 2013

JaneW2 said:
@Shannahbee: To be fair, it's harder to BF twins, especially since exclusive breastfeeding means Mom has to get up every time either baby needs to be fed. Most women who want to breastfeed succeed, but about 30% have some significant difficulties and up to 10% can't for one reason or another.

Of course, he ought to have a bit more faith in you!

@JaneW2 - oh totally and I would never have judged them for using formula- you have to do what's right for your family. And I'm ok with moving to it if I need to. It's just the assumption that even trying is ridiculous, like "silly girl, she'll see."
I think it's true what a PP said - ppl assume that when you choose to do (or try) something differently from what they did, they think you are judging their choice in some way.

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