To be SAHM or not?

t3handy · October 2013

I have a 14 month DD and my DH and I are planning to try for another in a few months. We are trying to decide if I should stay home or continue working. My DD is in a daycare she loves right now (we love it too) but the cost of 2 kids in childcare would take up 3/4 of my paycheck.. Not seeming worth it. My worry is 1) my DD will miss playing with her friends at daycare and 2) I will miss working. I really like the sense of accomplishment I get from work. When I'm home with my DD, I can totally see me doing it all day everyday, but when I'm at work I keep thinking about how hard it would be to leave.
Has anyone felt a loss or a gain of accomplishment from being a SAHM?

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

I don't think this is a decision you can make right now, honestly. Being a SAHM to two kids is an entirely different ballgame than with only one.

If it were me, I would not do it. I was a SAHM for a year and it was horrible. That is just my experience. Others do not have that experience. I think it takes some kind of superhero to be a SAHM and not go insane.

EMOmamma · October 2013

The thing is if you got pg now it's still going to be about a year until you have 2 kids in DC. A lot can change in a year. Also, your DD will be older and could do part time preschool in the future if you do stay home.

We are actually working through this decision right now too. My H's schedule changed and now it almost doesn't make sense for him to work. He likes to work but the stress of the whole situation is our tipping point. We love our DC and would love for the kids to continue to go PT at least if they can.

Nechie122 · October 2013

No one can tell you what to do. But if your primary concern is your paycheck being eaten up, consider that daycare is just a temporary expense while you're giving up more than just your immediate salary; you're also giving up future contributions to your 401k, any raises or promotions you might get, and your foot in the door (depending on your industry).

Also, in about a year or so, many 3 year olds are enrolled in a preschool program. That's an added cost that you'd have to pay for. So are any activities you sign up for. So you can't just subtract daycare out of your budget and say, Well, I'm only losing 25% of my pay.

That said, why decide now? You can always stay home, but it's not as easy to reverse course. See how it goes after #2 is born.

Spin313 · October 2013

I am a SAHM and I love it. I run mom groups for both kids, so we have a social circle; we have family in the area that we spend time with, and I am very involved with volunteering at DS's school. It works for us/me.

From the tone of your message, it doesn't really sound like something you are excited about doing. It's a LOT of work to be a SAHP (especially to more than one child), and spending weekends and/or time off doesn't come close to showing you that bigger picture.

t3handy · October 2013

I never thought about the fact that she'll be in preschool soon.. If I stayed home now we could make it work but would have to really tighten down. I'm just worried about regretting either decision I make!! I'm not good with change so am wanting to avoid going back and forth. It took me so long to adjust to the office I'm at now (I'm a dental assistant) and if I leave there won't be a place for me to go back to. I'd have to start all over! I just see all these other moms who rave about being SAHM's and I'm afraid I'm missing something.

t3handy · October 2013

Do any of you working moms feel guilty for not wanting to stay home? Sorry I'm so scattered! I just can't stop thinking about it and don't really have anyone to relate to and talk about it with.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

I feel exactly 0 guilt.

I'm a better mom as a working mom, where I get adult interaction and I'm not cleaning up the exact same messes 20 times a day.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

I do feel guilty leaving them at DC, but I feel much less guilt than I did when I thought that my unhappiness was ruining them for lyfe.

insertclevername · October 2013

I felt guilty leaving DS1 when he was an infant. He started DC at 12 weeks old. Now I wouldn't pull him out of daycare because I really feel it would be detrimental for him. He loves "school". Canada has it right. I would have loved to have a year of maternity leave. I don't think I am cut out to be a SAHM although I sometimes wish I was.

Nechie122 · October 2013

t3handy said:
Do any of you working moms feel guilty for not wanting to stay home? Sorry I'm so scattered! I just can't stop thinking about it and don't really have anyone to relate to and talk about it with.

No, why would I? My child is well taken care of, my DH splits all parenting duties 50/50, DD gets the benefit of being raised in a higher tax bracket (travel, private school, every single Lightning McQueen toy ever invented ...) And on a serious note, if anything ever happened to my DH, our marriage or his job, I have a fallback option.

We're all happy, healthy and fulfilled. No guilt here.

t3handy · October 2013

NYMama1 I think I am right on that page with you. I feel like taking her out of DC right now would be worse for her than me staying home with her. Anytime we go on vacation I can tell she misses her interaction with little ones. I feel guilty-like I'm a failing mother- for wanting to work. I mean who wouldn't want to spend all of their time with their own child?? Part of it is having adult interaction and the other part is helping to progress our finances so our kiddos can have a fun filled life with activities and preschool and vacations.

JPinkman · October 2013

t3handy said:

Do any of you working moms feel guilty for not wanting to stay home? Sorry I'm so scattered! I just can't stop thinking about it and don't really have anyone to relate to and talk about it with.

Depends on the day. Today I do. Last night at bedtime DD#1 told me good bye instead of good night and that she misses me - during the week I see her at night but not when I leave in the morning - it makes it hard. DH is the SAHP - and I often wish we could switch places but he doesn't have the degrees to be able to match what I make and it would not be possible.

shannond354 · October 2013

I recently quit my job of 7 years and a career I enjoy to SAH. It's hard. Really hard. It's lonely and I feel like I'm a slave to snack times, naps and meals. But, it is the right decision for our family for now. DH works really long hours and I really am grateful I am this fortunate. I would take the wait and see approach. You can't really decide until your next LO is here. GL!

t3handy · October 2013

Thank you everyone!! Anytime I tried to look up SAHM points if view it's always promoting it and I guess it just made me feel like that's what the right thing to do was. Ever since before we had kids I said I wouldn't want to stay home because I am not one who goes out and gets involved in things.. I could see myself getting lonely. I just want to do what's best for our kiddos.. My DH and I will be discussing this tonight and will probably take the wait and see approach. So good to know there are others who feel the same way I do!

nixieknox3 · October 2013

i felt guilty when i was a working mom, but i hated my old job with a fiery passion. if i had a job that made me happy and fulfilled, i would not feel one drop of guilt. DD1 was my only child that went to daycare and she absolutely loved it. go with your gut instincts, if your main reason for being a SAHM is the cost of daycare, just know it will be a tight couple of years. you don't want to grow resentful of your children. being a working mom does not make you any less of a mom.

sorry i am not more articulate.

ILoveBoys · October 2013

I used to work as a nursing assistant and loved it. Planned to go back to school for nursing.
DH got a job where we would move a lot, then I got pg with DD when we moved back. So I've been a SAHM for 4.5 years.
It's really not for everyone. My MIL says all the time she would've never been able to stay home. I like it but miss the daily adult interaction.
Working and staying at home are both hard in their own right.

LaCally4 · October 2013

I primarily SAH but I do teach a few classes at the gym so I get a little break and some adult interaction. Usually the kids either come and play in the daycare there or stay with one of our moms or my SIL. My oldest is in school all day and my middle goes to preschool 3 mornings a week which gives him a chance to go and socialize without me there. I take my little one to music class and story/craft time at the library while the other two are in school so I have that time to spend with just her.

It helps a lot that we have both of our families close by and that my husband is really good about giving me breaks when I need them. We try to dedicate most of our weekends to family time but if there's been a brutal week I can say, "Hey, I really need a couple hours to myself" and he will either take the kids out or stay with them so I can go out.

If I'm honest, I don't miss working full time. I liked my job but I like staying home more. Since you're not pregnant yet, definitely give it some time before making a decision. Having a toddler and a newborn is tough but it's gotten easier as they get older because they will play with each other. I'm more tired on days when I just have my youngest because she wants all the attention and entertainment to come from me.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

I feel like I want to reply as a sahm because it seems like you got a lot of responses from working moms, but I also feel like if I tout my "value" of staying at home, I'll get reamed out for being a sanctimommy. So, let me preceed my response by saying that I think everyone should do what works best for them and there is definitely no one-size-fits-all to the sah vs working debate. Plenty of women sah and are crappy moms, so in that case, I think their kids would be better off in daycare anyway!

With that said, I personally see tremendous value in staying at home while my children are young. I don't think that a 14 month old will "miss" her "friends", so citing that as a reason to keep her in daycare is silly. 14 month olds don't have friends. She can go to part-time preschool when she is 3 and make new friends and she'll be just fine. However, if you love working and think you'd be unfulfilled by staying home, there is nothing wrong with that, so just own that reason and keep continue working. As others have said, staying at home with two little kids is extremely hard, draining, frustrating, yet I wouldn't change it for the world. Now that my youngest is 3 and in preschool and my oldest has started full-day Kindergarten, I've actually started teaching preschool part-time (in a different class) while my DD2 is at preschool anyway. I feel this truly gives me the best of both worlds and I love feeling that fulfillment of working again, yet I'm still always home when my kids are home. Is there something similar you could do to try to have the "best of both worlds"? I will have to go back to work full time once both girls are in grade school, and I dread it.

Anyway, as others said, nobody can make this personal choice for you and you have to just figure out what will work best for your family. I value being a sahm and never doubt that it was worth the sacrifices we've made financially and regarding my career (I was a high school teacher), but yes it's hard. And I don't think it's something you should really even be worrying about until you're at least pregnant with #2 and it's a more "real" decision.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

14 month olds certainly have friends.

nanabanana06 · October 2013

I've been a SAHM for 2 years. I don't like it. I love being with the kids all day, watching them grow, ect. I just so miss actual human interaction. I feel as if my social skills have actually suffered from SAH. This is one of the big driving factors of me going back to school to start a real career. I need to get out of the house and actually do something with my life. Sure, I love staying at home, cooking, cleaning, ect. It's just a lot of strain on my actual personality. I think the kids need some interaction as well. Sure I have invested in getting them into classes at the YMCA and trying to join mommy groups. It's just not the same for me. I miss getting out of the house, working, doing something with my life, talking with real adults, ect. There are pros and cons to both, you have to do what your heart says.

ASmallWonder · October 2013

HilarityEnsued said:

I could never be a SAHM, so that is not even open for discussion.

That said, the cost of daycare is a temporary thing.

I gotta say, my stomach dropped a little when I realized that we won't see any real decrease for AT LEAST 5 years from now because the freaking before and after school costs for the older one rival full time daycare! So when he's in school and we lose our two kid discount at daycare, we will actually be paying MORE until the baby is in kindergarten and then it goes down...slightly. Fuck.

ASmallWonder · October 2013

@HilarityEnsued nope, public school here but before and after school care for one kid is $150 a week and once you factor in our loss of the daycare discount, it ends up costing us more

studyinpink · October 2013

I was working part time and now that we have two I am per diem and will be working six shifts as opposed to 8.

I am still working but am at home a ton! My oldest just turned 2 and it has been difficult. I continued to send her to the in home daycare on maternity leave and started sending her a third day a couple of weeks ago.

I was overwhelmed and frustrated. Still am on the days I have them both alone (which is now only 2 days a week).

I went back to work when K was 2 months (my leave was exhausted due to being pulled out of work at 32 weeks).

My first day was amazing and way less stressful than being home with my kids. Staying at home with kids is so so hard.

All that to say I think she has more fun at daycare and couldn't imagine staying at home full time.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

CinemaGoddess said:

14 month olds certainly have friends.

I guess it depends how you define "friends". I'm sure they enjoy parallel play with the children they are used to seeing every day, but they certainly are not forming the deep bonds of "friendship" based on similar interests and personalities with other toddlers under the age of two. They will not bemoan the loss of these "friendships" because they have to stay at home with mom all day instead. That's all I meant.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

WYEngTeacher said:

CinemaGoddess said:

14 month olds certainly have friends.

I guess it depends how you define "friends". I'm sure they enjoy parallel play with the children they are used to seeing every day, but they certainly are not forming the deep bonds of "friendship" based on similar interests and personalities with other toddlers under the age of two. They will not bemoan the loss of these "friendships" because they have to stay at home with mom all day instead. That's all I meant.

No, but if a kid is happy somewhere, why take them away from that?

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

CinemaGoddess said:

WYEngTeacher said:

CinemaGoddess said:

14 month olds certainly have friends.

I guess it depends how you define "friends". I'm sure they enjoy parallel play with the children they are used to seeing every day, but they certainly are not forming the deep bonds of "friendship" based on similar interests and personalities with other toddlers under the age of two. They will not bemoan the loss of these "friendships" because they have to stay at home with mom all day instead. That's all I meant.

No, but if a kid is happy somewhere, why take them away from that?

I'm not interested in net-battling, and I feel like you're trying to pick one with me. Like I said, I wasn't trying to be a sanctimommy and I'm not going to say that a child is better off at home with mom than at daycare, which I feel like is what you want me to say. I don't think that is always the case, although for my family it is. Everyone is different, like I said.

All I was saying was that a 14 month old is really still a baby who parallel-plays at best with other babies. Most barely talk yet. Have you been around a 14 month old lately? My point was just that she shouldn't base this major life decision on her "DD missing her friends at daycare" (her words) when she won't. A 14 month old will not miss "friends", plain and simple. She may be happy there because it is what she's always known, but hopefully she will be just as or more happy in her home. If not, then that's another story. But we're not talking about a 2 1/2 year old who cries because they miss their friends. Although maybe we will be by the time OP actually has this theoretical second child and pulls the oldest from daycare anyway, but I guess that's besides the point?

ETA I don't know if I should even go here, but to more directly address your question, you ask "why take them away from somewhere they're happy?" I feel like what you're actually questioning is "why" I value a child staying at home rather than being in daycare. For MY family, I value the importance of fostering healthy attachment between toddler and parent, and I value being the one primarily raising my child - teaching and nurturing them all day long at that age. I fully realize not everyone is on the "attachment" train and I can respect that, yet disagree. However, a 14 month old who is attached to his/her parent will undoubtedly be happier at home with mom than they will be with "friends" at daycare. And I reiterate, let's remember the age of the child I was addressing.. I am NOT talking about an older child who actually does have little friendships. Anyway, AGAIN, if you want/need to work for YOU and it makes you a better mom because it fulfills you and saves your sanity, then all the power to you and I am not judging or criticizing! That just isn't the case for me. I am thankful to have been able to sah because if I worked full time, I personally would be a stressed and tired mom!

MagickalNarwhal · October 2013

Hahahahahahaha OK, saying that working moms don't value attachment with their toddler is *totally* not judging or criticizing! Noted. Thanks!

(Can't get quote to work without painfully long quote trees, but that's directed at WYEng Teacher)

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

WYEngTeacher said:

CinemaGoddess said:

WYEngTeacher said:

CinemaGoddess said:

14 month olds certainly have friends.

I guess it depends how you define "friends". I'm sure they enjoy parallel play with the children they are used to seeing every day, but they certainly are not forming the deep bonds of "friendship" based on similar interests and personalities with other toddlers under the age of two. They will not bemoan the loss of these "friendships" because they have to stay at home with mom all day instead. That's all I meant.

No, but if a kid is happy somewhere, why take them away from that?

I'm not interested in net-battling, and I feel like you're trying to pick one with me. Like I said, I wasn't trying to be a sanctimommy and I'm not going to say that a child is better off at home with mom than at daycare, which I feel like is what you want me to say. I don't think that is always the case, although for my family it is. Everyone is different, like I said.

All I was saying was that a 14 month old is really still a baby who parallel-plays at best with other babies. Most barely talk yet. Have you been around a 14 month old lately? My point was just that she shouldn't base this major life decision on her "DD missing her friends at daycare" (her words) when she won't. A 14 month old will not miss "friends", plain and simple. She may be happy there because it is what she's always known, but hopefully she will be just as or more happy in her home. If not, then that's another story. But we're not talking about a 2 1/2 year old who cries because they miss their friends. Although maybe we will be by the time OP actually has this theoretical second child and pulls the oldest from daycare anyway, but I guess that's besides the point?

ETA I don't know if I should even go here, but to more directly address your question, you ask "why take them away from somewhere they're happy?" I feel like what you're actually questioning is "why" I value a child staying at home rather than being in daycare. The OP said, quite plainly, that her child likes DC and is happy there. For MY family, I value the importance of fostering healthy attachment between toddler and parent, and I value being the one primarily raising my child - teaching and nurturing them all day long at that age. I fully realize not everyone is on the "attachment" train and I can respect that, yet disagree. However, a 14 month old who is attached to his/her parent will undoubtedly be happier at home with mom than they will be with "friends" at daycare. And I reiterate, let's remember the age of the child I was addressing.. I am NOT talking about an older child who actually does have little friendships. Anyway, AGAIN, if you want/need to work for YOU and it makes you a better mom because it fulfills you and saves your sanity, then all the power to you and I am not judging or criticizing! That just isn't the case for me. I am thankful to have been able to sah because if I worked full time, I personally would be a stressed and tired mom!

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

The bolded in my last post is my response. Then I got stuck in the text box. Stupid text box.

And you are playing sanctimommy/mommy martyr with that wall o' text.

MagickalNarwhal · October 2013

To actually answer the OP, I never had any intention whatsoever of staying home. Working like .75 FTE was my ideal. For a lot of reasons (mostly hating my job at the time and my son being super high needs) I did end up staying home almost full time. I worked PT during tax season (that's my field) and will again this year.

I echo the suggestions to:

1. Screw what everyone else says and do what works for you, your kid, and your family.

2. Consider the non-immediate financial losses that leaving your job will incur, like you mentioned it would be hard to get back in if you left. Also, raises, health care, retirement, continuing education, networking, keeping your skills current etc etc

3. You may consider planning to stay at work. You will likely know for sure what you want to do when the time arrives. Find out what your maternity leave policy is (esp if you have to pay anything back of you don't return after ML), and see what your world looks like once kid #2 is actually here.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

MagickalNarwhal said:

Hahahahahahaha OK, saying that working moms don't value attachment with their toddler is *totally* not judging or criticizing! Noted. Thanks!

(Can't get quote to work without painfully long quote trees, but that's directed at WYEng Teacher)

I totally did not say that! See, I knew I shouldn't touch this thread with a ten foot pole. I knew the working moms would get their panties in a bunch and twist my words to misinterpret what I said. And by the way, I TOO am a working mom now - just in a way that works for my family! Whatever - like I said about 10 times, everyone is different and just needs to do what works for them. Can we leave it at that? Gah!

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

The whole 14-month-old-with-friends is a moo point anyway, considering the OP isn't even pregnant yet. The kid will probably be closer to 3 by the time new baby arrives.

nanabanana06 · October 2013

Hey, I'm all for attachment, baby wearing, bed sharing, ect. I'm about to go nuts if I have one more convo about my kids or video games. Nuts!! You can still for attachments and go to work. You don't NEED to be around your kids 24/7 to form a bond. Jeez, no wonder AP gets such a bad rap.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

@CinemaGoddness - any 14 month old will be happy in the primary care situation they've always known. That doesn't mean they won't be happy and, in many cases, better off if you change that situation. Mom is the parent and needs to decide what is best for her family; you don't base that decision off of "my baby is "happy" at daycare so I will keep them there even if it takes my whole salary to pay for it". Please. A 14 month old would probably also be happy if you fed them chicken nuggets all day, but most mom's wouldn't do that because it isn't ultimately the best situation for the child. No, I'm not comparing daycare to feeding your child McDonalds, just illustrating a point. Many daycares are AWESOME! I'm sure OP's daycare is awesome and okay, fine, she should just leave her DD there forever because CLEARLY she is happy and better off. Is that what you wanted me to say?? GAH!

MagickalNarwhal · October 2013

WYEngTeacher said:

MagickalNarwhal said:

Hahahahahahaha OK, saying that working moms don't value attachment with their toddler is *totally* not judging or criticizing! Noted. Thanks!

(Can't get quote to work without painfully long quote trees, but that's directed at WYEng Teacher)

I totally did not say that! See, I knew I shouldn't touch this thread with a ten foot pole. I knew the working moms would get their panties in a bunch and twist my words to misinterpret what I said. And by the way, I TOO am a working mom now - just in a way that works for my family! Whatever - like I said about 10 times, everyone is different and just needs to do what works for them. Can we leave it at that? Gah!

I'm a SAHM. I just get mega frustrated when people imply that working precludes attachment. My wife is the earner in the family and she works full time. She is a strong attachment parent.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

WYEngTeacher said:

@CinemaGoddness - any 14 month old will be happy in the primary care situation they've always known. That doesn't mean they won't be happy and, in many cases, better off if you change that situation. Mom is the parent and needs to decide what is best for her family; you don't base that decision off of "my baby is "happy" at daycare so I will keep them there even if it takes my whole salary to pay for it". Please. A 14 month old would probably also be happy if you fed them chicken nuggets all day, but most mom's wouldn't do that because it isn't ultimately the best situation for the child. No, I'm not comparing daycare to feeding your child McDonalds, just illustrating a point. Many daycares are AWESOME! I'm sure OP's daycare is awesome and okay, fine, she should just leave her DD there forever because CLEARLY she is happy and better off. Is that what you wanted me to say?? GAH!

What the hell, dude? I was not going after you. Not even a little bit.

Simma down, yo. You're giving the SAHMs a bad name and pretty soon amynumbers is going to be over here yelling at us again.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

HilarityEnsued said:

3 year olds definitely have friends. My not-even-two-yo talks incessantly about his friend Donny. By three they are thick as thieves.

Nobody is arguing whether 3 year olds have friends. Yes, they totally do.

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

Nana_Osaki06 said:

Hey, I'm all for attachment, baby wearing, bed sharing, ect. I'm about to go nuts if I have one more convo about my kids or video games. Nuts!! You can still for attachments and go to work. You don't NEED to be around your kids 24/7 to form a bond. Jeez, no wonder AP gets such a bad rap.

I don't think that baby wearing (or even bedsharing) defines or really even creates attachments. It is so overrated in its association with AP. Yes, I loved my Ergo and babywore a lot, but it had zilch to do with how I formed bonds with my kids.

And for the record, I never even used the term attachment parenting in my post. I generally avoid that term because of all the negative associations people have with it. I used the word "attachment", and several of you saw that word and ran with it. I think plenty of working AND sah moms are very attached to their kids, regardless or whether or not they "AP", and I never in any way intended to imply otherwise. If you go back and re-read my post, I was saying that I - me personally - am the type of person who feels stretched thin if I'm trying to do my best at too many things. I was a teacher, and I put my all into it. I would not have been able to continue to be the best teacher I could while also trying to be the best mom could. I would have been stressed to the max and unhappy, always feeling like a failure in all areas. I feel that would have impacted MY ability to fully attach to my kids. I'm talking about ME. Everybody is different, yo.

ETA That ended up becoming a response to everyone, not just Nana. To each their own. I'm done here!

nanabanana06 · October 2013

WYEngTeacher said:

Nana_Osaki06 said:

Hey, I'm all for attachment, baby wearing, bed sharing, ect. I'm about to go nuts if I have one more convo about my kids or video games. Nuts!! You can still for attachments and go to work. You don't NEED to be around your kids 24/7 to form a bond. Jeez, no wonder AP gets such a bad rap.

I don't think that baby wearing (or even bedsharing) defines or really even creates attachments. It is so overrated in its association with AP. Yes, I loved my Ergo and babywore a lot, but it had zilch to do with how I formed bonds with my kids.

And for the record, I never even used the term attachment parenting in my post. I generally avoid that term because of all the negative associations people have with it. I used the word "attachment", and several of you saw that word and ran with it. I think plenty of working AND sah moms are very attached to their kids, regardless or whether or not they "AP", and I never in any way intended to imply otherwise.

Ok then. 8-|

WYEngTeacher · October 2013

That's ok nana darlin', I roll my eyes at you daily! :-D

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