MIL Vent re: chilcare(long)

Leosmom13 · October 2013

amercer0 said:
I've never been to Ireland, but I'm familiar with other parts of Europe...and there the norm is for multi-generational families to live together. The grandparents help with babies and the children take care of their parents in old age. So if it is the norm over there, I understand why you might feel surprised or disappointed.

With that said...you shouldn't be mad at someone if they don't want to watch your child, especially if you didn't even talk to them about it. Have an actual conversation with your MIL. If she agrees, yay problem solved. If she doesn't, understand that people have their own lives and move on.

This is what it is like here in Ireland. It is very common to have grandparents taking a very active role in their children's and grandchildrens life, and vice versa. I guess that is where my expectation comes from and maybe why I'm being misunderstood on thus thread! You are right to say that I probably should sit down with MIL and discuss the possibility of looking after ds.

NiksMama · October 2013

Have you toured your local daycare facilities? We have documentaries like that here in the states too, but they're rarely representative of the majority of businesses. Crèches are publicly funded, right? Are there private daycares that have higher standards for employees?

Leosmom13 · October 2013

carrotcake06 said:
My family (mom and sister) will be watching the twins when I go back to work. Not bc they offered, but because I asked if it would be something they would want to do. We sat down, worked out logistics including pay, and set expectations.

I didn't expect them to read my mind and at no point made them feel obligated to watch my kids.

Your right I shouldn't expect her to read my mind but I certainly haven't made her feel obligated to watch ds. I haven't even asked her!i don't believe it's her obligation I guess I'm just dissapointed that's all. We are a very tight knit family and in sad that she doesn't want to look after ds in light if our other childcare options.

carrotcake06 · October 2013

orlaithsheanon16 said:

carrotcake06 said:
My family (mom and sister) will be watching the twins when I go back to work. Not bc they offered, but because I asked if it would be something they would want to do. We sat down, worked out logistics including pay, and set expectations.

I didn't expect them to read my mind and at no point made them feel obligated to watch my kids.
Your right I shouldn't expect her to read my mind but I certainly haven't made her feel obligated to watch ds. I haven't even asked her!i don't believe it's her obligation I guess I'm just dissapointed that's all. We are a very tight knit family and in sad that she doesn't want to look after ds in light if our other childcare options.

If you haven't asked her, then you can't assume she won't do it. She may be waiting for you to ask.

Leosmom13 · October 2013

NiksMama said:
Have you toured your local daycare facilities? We have documentaries like that here in the states too, but they're rarely representative of the majority of businesses. Crèches are publicly funded, right? Are there private daycares that have higher standards for employees?

All crèches are privately funded but subsidised by the government. The government body that regulates the industry found that 80% of the daycares were in breach if regulations. There are now numerous court cases in progress relating to the abuse suffered by the children in these centres. The governing body was also aware of many breaches in care and never did anything about it so you can see how scary it is for us deciding in our options!

rissa06 · October 2013

I am sure that there are places that are good and bad like anywhere. I'm not use what the laws are like in Ireland. My best friend lives in Wales and she uses a place two times a week and it is highly recommended. I would say that the documentary is supposed to telling what's out there and it is not supposed to be reflective of every place.

U have to do what's comfortable for u. I love the facility that my kids are in and I know at te end of the day they are well taken care of... But I know there are a bunch of places that aren't like that. Also, I just heard of a babysitter that we hired was not great with my son and it was one that was highly recommended.

So, about ur mil. I don't think any family member is entitled to watch ur child or has to ask. I know for me,
I'm grateful that my parents help out, but I don't expect them to take care of my kids for me nor is it their responsibility to do so. U have time. Maybe u can work out with another parent that u watch their child once a week and they can watch urs. My friend does that in wales. Gk!

Leosmom13 · October 2013

rissa06 said:
I am sure that there are places that are good and bad like anywhere. I'm not use what the laws are like in Ireland. My best friend lives in Wales and she uses a place two times a week and it is highly recommended. I would say that the documentary is supposed to telling what's out there and it is not supposed to be reflective of every place.

U have to do what's comfortable for u. I love the facility that my kids are in and I know at te end of the day they are well taken care of... But I know there are a bunch of places that aren't like that. Also, I just heard of a babysitter that we hired was not great with my son and it was one that was highly recommended.

So, about ur mil. I don't think any family member is entitled to watch ur child or has to ask. I know for me,
I'm grateful that my parents help out, but I don't expect them to take care of my kids for me nor is it their responsibility to do so. U have time. Maybe u can work out with another parent that u watch their child once a week and they can watch urs. My friend does that in wales. Gk!

Thanks for the advice!

CelticWife · October 2013

Eh. I get it. Really. In my family, we try and help each other in any way we can and we try to anticipate each others needs.

DH's family, however, doesn't. They are more self centric (not a bad thing! Just not what I an used to.). They never offer to help in any way. You have to specifically ask if you would like help with anything. Half the time, they do say no. I have learned to accept that no, MIL will sit and watch me get the kids ready to go out the door, or FIL will see one spill their drink and mention to me that I need to clean it up. Only SIL has ever been willing to babysit.

I do get frustrated sometimes, because to me I see it as not caring about my children. It is the little things you do to show love, IMO. DH's family shows love by buying you things that they think are cool. It takes a while t get used to.

I would write out specifically what you were hoping she would do, then sit her down and ask her. Give her time to think about it. (Caring for someone else's child is not a small responsibility. Especially when it can lead to family conflict when what MIL/grandma thinks should happen isn't what Mom thinks should happen.)

In the meantime, see if you can find a, college student who might like some extra cash, nanny share with some of your coworkers, or find a SAHM who might be willing to watch LO one day a week. Good luck!

Leosmom13 · October 2013

CelticWife said:
Eh. I get it. Really. In my family, we try and help each other in any way we can and we try to anticipate each others needs.

DH's family, however, doesn't. They are more self centric (not a bad thing! Just not what I an used to.). They never offer to help in any way. You have to specifically ask if you would like help with anything. Half the time, they do say no. I have learned to accept that no, MIL will sit and watch me get the kids ready to go out the door, or FIL will see one spill their drink and mention to me that I need to clean it up. Only SIL has ever been willing to babysit.

I do get frustrated sometimes, because to me I see it as not caring about my children. It is the little things you do to show love, IMO. DH's family shows love by buying you things that they think are cool. It takes a while t get used to.

I would write out specifically what you were hoping she would do, then sit her down and ask her. Give her time to think about it. (Caring for someone else's child is not a small responsibility. Especially when it can lead to family conflict when what MIL/grandma thinks should happen isn't what Mom thinks should happen.)

In the meantime, see if you can find a, college student who might like some extra cash, nanny share with some of your coworkers, or find a SAHM who might be willing to watch LO one day a week. Good luck!

Thanks celticwife!! I think different families are different so sometimes I have misplaced expectations. This is what my in laws are like. Would prefer to buy things than help out which is sometimes frustrating. I'm going to look into other options I think.

BubblyDevil · October 2013

Grow up.

Leosmom13 · October 2013

BubblyDevil said:
Grow up.

I don't really see how this is constructive.It is simply a drive by flaming which doesn't offer your opinion or any useful advice. I don't expect rainbows here or that we will all agree but I hardly see how worrying about my child's childcare situation is not being grown up. It's probably the most grown up thing I have ever done.

girlmama83 · October 2013

orlaithsheanon16 said:

BubblyDevil said:
Grow up.
I don't really see how this is constructive.It is simply a drive by flaming which doesn't offer your opinion or any useful advice. I don't expect rainbows here or that we will all agree but I hardly see how worrying about my child's childcare situation is not being grown up. It's probably the most grown up thing I have ever done.

What advice are we being required to give you? Your post is nothing but you bitching that your MIL won't take care of your child. That's why she told you to grow up.

Leosmom13 · October 2013

lindsey61811 said:

orlaithsheanon16 said:

BubblyDevil said:
Grow up.
I don't really see how this is constructive.It is simply a drive by flaming which doesn't offer your opinion or any useful advice. I don't expect rainbows here or that we will all agree but I hardly see how worrying about my child's childcare situation is not being grown up. It's probably the most grown up thing I have ever done.

What advice are we being required to give you? Your post is nothing but you bitching that your MIL won't take care of your child. That's why she told you to grow up.

I don't "require" any advice! The title of the post entails that I would be venting not bitching. I have accepted everyone's opinions with respect here but this comment left by pp is just childish and doesn't contribute! I have already stated that I can see that I am coming off as selfish, I have also taken on board people's advice. I do however believe that some of the misinterpretation comes from different cultures. There's no need for nasty immature comments here. We are all adults afterall.

girlmama83 · October 2013

Welcome to the bump. That's how it is.

PB102012 · October 2013

I am in agreeance with previous posts, I don't think it's wrong of her not to offer. Caring for a child can be very overwhelming and she has already raised her children. This is her time to herself to do what she pleases.

PrimRoseMama · October 2013

Yes you are being selfish. It's not your MIL's job to care for your LO just because you don't think her time has value. She's worked hard & deserves to spend her retirement as she chooses. It's very presumptuous to assume that because she does not have a day job that somehow means she has all this time & desire to watch your loin fruit.

Also, please tell me you don't expect her to work for FREE? If you are going to ask her then offer to pay her IMHO. There is a whole lot of entitlement here. Yikes.

vintageutopia · October 2013

I haven't read all of the responses, but I think you are way off base here. Your MIL raised her children.This is YOUR child. You are responsible for his childcare while you are at work...not her.

Maybe, she just wants to be a grandma, not a childcare provider.

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MIL Vent re: chilcare(long)

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