MIL Vent re: chilcare(long)

Leosmom13

Sorry in advance for the length if this post! So to give you guys the back story, about 3 months ago an undercover documentary aired here in Ireland about the physical and verbal abuse suffered by young children and toddlers at countless childcare facilities across the county. It was a very shocking and upsetting programme watching these young kids being so viciously abused. From that point I decided that I was definetly never putting ds in a crèche or chilcare facility as I feel you never really know who is looking after your child.

Fast forward to now and dh's mom is unemployed but lives very comfortably. She is relatively young so it would not be a stretch for her to look after ds. I have to go back to work next June and am trying to figure out what to do with ds. My mom will be finished work for the summer by then so she can help but I'm pretty pi**ed that mil hasn't even offered to help out with chilcare. I know this sounds selfish but she does nothing all day everyday and i can't believe she hasn't offered knowing how I feel about daycare. Dh says she doesn't want to be tied down with minding a baby but I think this is really selfish! I only work 3 days per week!Do you guys think I'm being selfish for expecting her to offer? It is her grandson after all!Have any if you been in a similar situation?
TIA

MagPie 1986

I understand your frustration but you really cannot be mad at your MIL.  It wasn't her decision to have a child so she shouldn't feel obligated to care for them.  That's the beauty of being a grandparent.

Now if you were delaying having a child because of childcare issues and she offered and is now going back on her word, that's a different story.  But I don't feel like that's the situation at hand.

Bottom line: Your kid, your responsibility...not hers.  It does suck, though.  Sorry

Leosmom13

msspeedymarie said:

1) she might not have offered because you have quite a bit of time yet.
2) yes, it's incredibly selfish to expect someone to watch your child for free. its not her job to take care of the child you chose to have. she is under no obligation just because you think she has nothing else to do.

I get where your coming from but I don't feel she will offer as I have been discussing it in her presence and she has said nothing.
I never said I expected her to watch ds for free. I am more than willing to pay her for the service! I am just surprised and a little annoyed that she would rather see him go to one of these daycares where the abuse took place rather than watch him herself.
I am also very family orientated and believe that family should help each other out. I would and have been their for her many times!
Maybe your right that it is selfish for me to expect it, but I certainly don't believe that because we decided to have a baby that we should be left out in the cold without the support of our families. And to be fair she would expect a lot from us as well.

WheeLinTheSky3

I think it is selfish to expect someone to care for your child because you need them to. You arent looking for an occassional babysitter, you want her to be your full time nanny.  It is not up to you to judge what she does all day and even if she sits on her butt watching TV all day, that is her right. Im sorry you are struggling with childcare but it is not her job to watch your kid, family or not. You should be thankful that you are off for such a long time to begin with as many of us here in the US only get 6 weeks off, period. Im sure that not EVERY childcare option in Ireland is dangerous. Do your research, find something you are comfortable with.

tanabeans

Have you strait up asked her? Sometimes hinting is not enough. Plus she already raised her kids, she shouldn't feel obligated to help with yours. Also do you really want someone who doest WANT to, looking after your child? She could end up frustrated and take burnout on LO without realizing

LokiLahve

Yes, you are being selfish. Your MIL had her children and raised them. YOU chose to have this LO...it is not her obligation to raise/look after your child just because you don't like the other options available for childcare. As pp said, I'm sure not ALL daycares there are bad.
FFS you have until June of next year...do some research and find a nanny you are comfortable with. Surely that is enough time to interview and get to know someone and develop a level of trust with them.
Even if MIL sits on her ass all day doesn't mean she should have to watch your kid.

Leosmom13

Kristin030 said:

I think it is selfish to expect someone to care for your child because you need them to. You arent looking for an occassional babysitter, you want her to be your full time nanny.  It is not up to you to judge what she does all day and even if she sits on her butt watching TV all day, that is her right. Im sorry you are struggling with childcare but it is not her job to watch your kid, family or not. You should be thankful that you are off for such a long time to begin with as many of us here in the US only get 6 weeks off, period. Im sure that not EVERY childcare option in Ireland is dangerous. Do your research, find something you are comfortable with.

Fair enough! I respect your opinion. Perhaps the sleepless nights have got me a little more irritated than usual. Bottom line is I want ds somewhere safe. That is my number 1 priority!unfortunately Kristin the abuse had been shown to be quite widespread and some of the footage filmed,featured pretty much all of the daycares in our area. I just feel like I would live him to be watched by someone that knows him and loves him. I see how this might sound selfish and possibly it comes across like that because i was very disturbed by the documentary and desperate to find a solution. I am very grateful and lucky that I have such a long maternity leave, I know that,but the issue is still the same whether I was going back to work now or when ds is 11 months old!
I suppose I will gave to rely solely on my mum who has offered to help out.

MagPie 1986

orlaithsheanon16 said:

1) she might not have offered because you have quite a bit of time yet.
2) yes, it's incredibly selfish to expect someone to watch your child for free. its not her job to take care of the child you chose to have. she is under no obligation just because you think she has nothing else to do.

I get where your coming from but I don't feel she will offer as I have been discussing it in her presence and she has said nothing. I never said I expected her to watch ds for free. I am more than willing to pay her for the service! I am just surprised and a little annoyed that she would rather see him go to one of these daycares where the abuse took place rather than watch him herself. I am also very family orientated and believe that family should help each other out. I would and have been their for her many times! Maybe your right that it is selfish for me to expect it, but I certainly don't believe that because we decided to have a baby that we should be left out in the cold without the support of our families. And to be fair she would expect a lot from us as well.

It's not her problem. Saying she's leaving you out in the cold is a little dramatic.  She didn't kick you out of her house with no food or clothes.  Your just in a position where you have to make your own daycare arrangements.  It's not fair for you to put this on her. 

Leosmom13

As for the nanny option it would be too expensive as private nannies are very expensive here. It wouldn't be worth my while working and paying her as it would pretty much cancel each other out! I get from the responses that you guys feel I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I just have high expectations for family. To clarify I was only going to need her to watch ds 1 day a week as my mum could do the other two days. I think I'm just annoyed that she doesn't mind ds going to one of these terrible places! I mean I would rather care for her in our own home when she becomes elderly that send her to a nursing home, let alone a nursing home that was accused of abuse and neglect. I know that wouldn't be expected if me but it's what I feel family should do for one another. Maybe that's just me.maybe that's why I'm so annoyed!

BelhurstBride

You're being dramatic, IMO. Sounds like you should have done some more planning prior to getting knocked up.

girlmama83

Ummm. Ya. You chose to have a child, not her. Not her responsibility to provide you with childcare.

Also many women here use daycare centers and don't need you filling their head with even more worries than they probably already have. I'm not using a daycare center, family will be watching my LO, but you referring to daycare as "one of those terrible places" pisses me off on behalf of members of this group who do use daycare.

Not everyone has family like you do who can watch their LO. Consider yourself lucky that your mom is watching her the days that she is.

henderson1026

You are being very selfish in expecting her to offer, pay or no pay.  She clearly doesn't want to your nanny.  Do you really want grandma to resent you and the baby and the time she spends with LO.

You need to chill the fuck out and realize you have 9 MONTHS to figure this out.  andplusalso, I'm sure you aren't the only parent upset by this documentary - what are all the other parents (esp. the ones with children in these facilities) doing?  Do some research or use this time to figure out how your family can afford for you to stay home.

Also, please spell childcare correctly.

amandarins

Really? Because the world revolves around you?

Leosmom13

BelhurstBride said:

You're being dramatic, IMO. Sounds like you should have done some more planning prior to getting knocked up.

Sorry, as a loving mother had you seen the show you would feel the same as me I'm sure. Children being flung around a room, thrown on the floor, screamed at, cussed at. Fine, it might be dramatic but this is my child! I can be dramatic if I wish! This show only aired when I was 8 months pregnant, I would have been happy to put ds in a daycare before I got "knocked up". However things have changed now!

amandarins

And btw she's likely not psychic, so if you need help than ask for it.

henderson1026

orlaithsheanon16 said:

You're being dramatic, IMO. Sounds like you should have done some more planning prior to getting knocked up.

Sorry, as a loving mother had you seen the show you would feel the same as me I'm sure. Children being flung around a room, thrown on the floor, screamed at, cussed at. Fine, it might be dramatic but this is my child! I can be dramatic if I wish! This show only aired when I was 8 months pregnant, I would have been happy to put ds in a daycare before I got "knocked up". However things have changed now!

are you seriously implying that Belhurst is NOT a loving mother?  just GTFU now

BlondieBia21

Yes, you are selfish. No I have not been in a similar situation because I'm not a selfish ass. Why does it matter to you, do you want someone watching your child who obviously doesn't want to?

BelhurstBride

1) imagine that since it aired centers have gotten their shit together. 

 2) it didn't affect every center in Ireland. 

 3) you had nearly a year from when you saw it to figure out alternative arrangements.

 4) you said you needed your MIL one day a week. If you can't afford to hire someone one day a week it sounds like you have bigger problems on your hands.

Leosmom13

Fine I get from the responses, you guys feel I'm being selfish. Fair enough! In sorry I'm not trying to scare anyone. We have very lax guildlines for childcare workers here. Anyone can walk in off the street and get a job in one, im sure it's very different in the states! I'm also not criticising anyone else's choice to put they're children in a daycare facility. I'm sorry I misspelled childcare, I'm typing on my phone and my fingers are too fat since having ds that I can't hit the keys right.

amarissa85

Yes you are selfish. As your MIL she has children, who are grown and out of the house and to be quite frank she may not want to look after yours. It was your choice to have a baby not hers. If you feel so strongly about not putting LO in daycare, stay at home. The baby is your responsibility not any one else's. You sound like a self entitled brat.

Leosmom13

henderson1026 said:

orlaithsheanon16 said:

BelhurstBride said:

You're being dramatic, IMO. Sounds like you should have done some more planning prior to getting knocked up.

Sorry, as a loving mother had you seen the show you would feel the same as me I'm sure. Children being flung around a room, thrown on the floor, screamed at, cussed at. Fine, it might be dramatic but this is my child! I can be dramatic if I wish! This show only aired when I was 8 months pregnant, I would have been happy to put ds in a daycare before I got "knocked up". However things have changed now!

are you seriously implying that Belhurst is NOT a loving mother?  just GTFU now

I believe I said as a loving mother had she seen the show, therefore I was implying and assuming that she IS in fact a loving mother! Unlike some people on the bump I don't feel the need to put people down to get my point across!
I have already stated that I respect your opinionsthere is no need to get childish ladies and call me a selfish ass. I think its safe to say that we can all be a little crazy when it comes to our LO's. Thanks for your responses. I see that I'm coming off as selfish here, but I am anything but a self entitled brat amarissa. You can get your point across just fine without name calling. The problem is finding a nanny that would be willing to do 1 day a week. The day changes every week as I work shifts in the hospital. Lots if nannies do not like the unpredictability if that.

LJUTCMommy

I missed the part where MIL was the one who decided to get pregnant and take responsibility for a little baby.

Oh wait...

BlondieBia21

orlaithsheanon16 said:

henderson1026 said:

orlaithsheanon16 said:

BelhurstBride said:

You're being dramatic, IMO. Sounds like you should have done some more planning prior to getting knocked up.

Sorry, as a loving mother had you seen the show you would feel the same as me I'm sure. Children being flung around a room, thrown on the floor, screamed at, cussed at. Fine, it might be dramatic but this is my child! I can be dramatic if I wish! This show only aired when I was 8 months pregnant, I would have been happy to put ds in a daycare before I got "knocked up". However things have changed now!

are you seriously implying that Belhurst is NOT a loving mother?  just GTFU now

I believe I said as a loving mother had she seen the show, therefore I was implying and assuming that she IS in fact a loving mother! Unlike some people on the bump I don't feel the need to put people down to get my point across!
I have already stated that I respect your opinionsthere is no need to get childish ladies and call me a selfish ass. I think its safe to say that we can all be a little crazy when it comes to our LO's. Thanks for your responses. I see that I'm coming off as selfish here, but I am anything but a self entitled brat amarissa. You can get your point across just fine without name calling. The problem is finding a nanny that would be willing to do 1 day a week. The day changes every week as I work shifts in the hospital. Lots if nannies do not like the unpredictability if that.


So do no other hospital workers use nannies, or are they all sending their kids to the hell hole daycares? You aren't going to talk your way out of this one.

henderson1026

let's be clear, no one has a problem with you feeling uncomfortable sending your kid to daycare.

the problem is that you think MIL is obligated to watch your kid.

Leosmom13

I'm not trying to talk my way out of anything here!! Tbh most people I work with depend on their parents for childcare. A lot of parents have taken their children out if daycare here since the show. Most people leave their kids with friends or family. There are obviously people who still send their children to daycare but that's just not for me. Blondibia I never used the term hell holes. Your putting words in my mouth! Let's keep this clean ladies, can't we all just be adults. You certainly don't have to agree with me and that's obvious at this stage I think, I'm nit expecting rainbows or puppies but we can leave the name calling out' can't we?

MommyAmes2

Perhaps she just doesn't want to be a babysitter?! Your decision to have a baby doesn't require family to become babysitters.

Grow up.

BabyE143

She's already put in her time raising DH maybe she wants to enjoy her freedom now that everyone's out of the house? And I'm sorry for the horrible childcare facilities but this is not mil's problem.

Leosmom13

I get it it's a selfish expectation! I guess we will have to think of other options!

girlmama83

msspeedymarie said:

So you can afford to pay MIL one day a week, but not a private nanny one day a week? Sounds like you are planning to seriously underpay MIL. Maybe that's another reason she doesn't want to sit for you.

Oh please. Like she was planning on paying MIL.

V&G101808

Kristin030 said:

I think it is selfish to expect someone to care for your child because you need them to. You arent looking for an occassional babysitter, you want her to be your full time nanny.  It is not up to you to judge what she does all day and even if she sits on her butt watching TV all day, that is her right. Im sorry you are struggling with childcare but it is not her job to watch your kid, family or not. You should be thankful that you are off for such a long time to begin with as many of us here in the US only get 6 weeks off, period. Im sure that not EVERY childcare option in Ireland is dangerous. Do your research, find something you are comfortable with.

@Kristin030 took the words right out of my mouth...

WildRumpus

So what do your coworkers do about care? Would any of them be willing to nanny share?

Leosmom13

Jill9288 said:

So what do your coworkers do about care? Would any of them be willing to nanny share?

I'm thinking now that might be an option we will have to consider.
Also as I said from the beginning I am not expecting MIL to look after ds for free whether you ladies believe me it not.

TurtleMomma

If you need help, ask for it. If she says no, deal with it. No need to get your nickers in a twist over it.

AprilRaine

Oh hey ma, do you want us to stick you in a crappy old folks home when you're old? No? Oh, then take care of my kid for me.
I'm sorry, but did anyone else not catch that part?
OP, I don't think we have much sympathy for your high (read: unrealistic) expectations. I suggest you talk to local friends/neighbors for suggestions.

Leosmom13

AprilRaine said:

Oh hey ma, do you want us to stick you in a crappy old folks home when you're old? No? Oh, then take care of my kid for me.
I'm sorry, but did anyone else not catch that part?
OP, I don't think we have much sympathy for your high (read: unrealistic) expectations. I suggest you talk to local friends/neighbors for suggestions.

I don't know why people keep putting words in my mouth. I never said that I would stick MIL in a crappy nursing home if she didn't watch ds. In fact I believe I said quite the opposite. I believe we should care for our families therefore I wouldn't be comfortable putting any of our parents in a nursing home as I would rather care for them in our own home!thats how are families operate and it's why I couldnt understand why MIL wouldn't offer to look after ds. I have accepted that my expectations were unrealistic and as I've said before maybe I'm just a little crazy when it comes to ds.

CaliforniaDream87

Um, no. I don't understand your frustration. So you're upset that your MIL didn't offer to take care of YOUR child? Entitled much?

AprilRaine

orlaithsheanon16 said:

 I mean I would rather care for her in our own home when she becomes elderly that send her to a nursing home, let alone a nursing home that was accused of abuse and neglect. I know that wouldn't be expected if me but it's what I feel family should do for one another.

Why even bring that up then if it has no bearing on your current situation? Just sayin... it's easily taken that way. I mean, it wouldn't be expected of you to not send her to a crap nursing home, right? 

Ugh. 

AprilRaine

Bump Burp. Scuse!

silvercamaro77

With a SIL that takes advantage of my MIL for child care Ill leave my opinion out if the mix.

Potential options- Ask MIL to watch LO and explain what you could pay her and what the terms would be (ie changing schedule etc), either you or DH stay home and adjust your living, reduce your schedule by 1 day so your mom can do all the care, DH or you find a way to work opposite shifts so that one of you is always home, find a friend to watch LO, get recommendations from friends/neighbors with kids of someone you could get to keep LO, find/start a nanny share.

That's all I've got right now. They're aren't all great or easy but you have time to make them work.

Leosmom13

silvercamaro77 said:

With a SIL that takes advantage of my MIL for child care Ill leave my opinion out if the mix.

Potential options- Ask MIL to watch LO and explain what you could pay her and what the terms would be (ie changing schedule etc), either you or DH stay home and adjust your living, reduce your schedule by 1 day so your mom can do all the care, DH or you find a way to work opposite shifts so that one of you is always home, find a friend to watch LO, get recommendations from friends/neighbors with kids of someone you could get to keep LO, find/start a nanny share.

That's all I've got right now. They're aren't all great or easy but you have time to make them work.

Thanks for the suggestions. I certainly wouldn't want to take advantage of MIL, and I didn't feel like 1 day would have been. But I guess as has been stated in this thread it's my responsibility to look after ds and maybe I was being selfish. I'm now beginning to think maybe going back part time might work! Ie work 1 1/2 dsys per week, which would mean my mom could watch ds. I guess my frustration and " high expectations" were coming from the fear of our childcare services.

carrotcake06

My family (mom and sister) will be watching the twins when I go back to work. Not bc they offered, but because I asked if it would be something they would want to do. We sat down, worked out logistics including pay, and set expectations.

I didn't expect them to read my mind and at no point made them feel obligated to watch my kids.