SD calls me by my name

Kflanders24 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

Kflanders24 said:

The question was not " can SD call me mom " and all your responses are in that nature. You answered a question that I didn't ask...

We quote so people know who we are talking to. You asked if anyone has been here, I have, my SD is going on 6, I have been in her life since she was about 16 months old, I now have two children with my DH. You asked what SC calls us, I answered and explained why.

Answered.. explained why... explained why again... and then explained why again........

cole2144 · September 2013

Guess it`s a good thing, I am free to reply as often as I would like.

jess9802 · September 2013

My SS calls me by my name.

I would be deeply uncomfortable if he called me Mom. He has a mother who loves him, and who, despite my issues with her, has done a fantastic job raising her son. I have no desire to displace her or minimize her role in his life. She deserves to be Mom. I'm fine with being Jessica to him. I don't worry about DS knowing what to call me, just as long as it's not something like "Hey lady" or "you bitch."

If DH and I ever split up and he remarried and another woman was involved in caring for my son, I'd want her to be warm, and kind, and loving to him, but I would lose my shit if he called her mom and she encouraged it (or failed to discourage it). JMO.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

Guess it`s a good thing, I am free to reply as often as I would like.

Are you done now?

cole2144 · September 2013

Lol aww I am done for now. Sorry no quotes.

redrae78 · September 2013

I have been in my SS life since he was 18 months old. He is now 8. He calls me by my first name.

No matter how crappy I feel his mother is, she is still his mother. She hasn't seen or talked to him in nearly a year but I have not and will not encourage him to call me Mom. Should he decide to do it on his own I won't stop him but I will not force the issue.

I refer to my own SF as my dad. My father walked out of my life when I was 9 and I haven't seen him but 2 times in 26 years. My SF gave me away at my wedding. He sat and held my hand and cried with me when my mother died and he rejoiced with me and my husband when we had our baby girl. He deserves to be called Dad.

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

Kflanders24 said:

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Should I just have an open conversation about it with SD you think? If this is the way we decide to go? Or try a few things our and see if she catches on? what do you think ?

Why does she have to pick a name? I don't understand why she can't just call you by your name?

MrsHetzel · September 2013

@jess9802, I literally loled at "hey bitch". I'm pretty sure that's how BM wishes SD would address me lol

And @redrae78 you touch on an interesting topic. Why is it more acceptable for men to be granted the title Dad when they're not the bio dad (regardless of status of bio dad) but women are enraged at the thought of a child calling a woman mom who hasn't directly given birth to them?

DH has a daughter who's not biologically his but calls him Dad and I know her and her sister (DH's bio daughter) will never call me mom and I do not mind at all. I'm just wondering what the thoughts are on this double standard I suppose you could call it.

Sunday924 · September 2013

MrsHetzel said:

This is a good question, I'll be watching for others thoughts. Everyone, DH, all the grandparents, my sisters, etc., call me Mama around LO, like "mama's warming up your bottle" or "mama this and that" but SD will say "K is getting your bottle" and I'd like to say call me mama around LO, not like SD is calling me mom, she'll still call me by my first name obvi, but calling me mama when referencing me to the baby. But I know if BM hears me even suggesting SD calls me mom in any fashion she will fly so far past the deep end...

My SS calls me by my first name. I asked him to call me mom when talking to my DD or DS. He does and I don't think there is an issue with asking him to do that because I'm not asking him to call me mom as if I was his mom.

redrae78 · September 2013

I feel that Mom and Dad are titles. The person filling that role has the right to be called such. If bio mom or dad is still an active member of the child's life and is fulfilling that role than they deserve the title. Should it be the step parent than if the child chooses to call them Mom or Dad I see nothing wrong with that. Though I do not think a child should ever be forced or encouraged to call a step parent Mom or Dad. It should come naturally.

I was in my early 20's before I started calling my SF my dad. Until that time I always called him by his first name. My brother (his bio son) was never confused about who his dad was by the way.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

redrae78 said:

I feel that Mom and Dad are titles. The person filling that role has the right to be called such. If bio mom or dad is still an active member of the child's life and is fulfilling that role than they deserve the title. Should it be the step parent than if the child chooses to call them Mom or Dad I see nothing wrong with that. Though I do not think a child should ever be forced or encouraged to call a step parent Mom or Dad. It should come naturally.

I was in my early 20's before I started calling my SF my dad. Until that time I always called him by his first name. My brother (his bio son) was never confused about who his dad was by the way.

So considering I have said multiple times that SD is by no means forced to call me mom. The few times she has has been at her discretion and under her terms.... SO thats okay then? ... because that's the case. I literally do as much for her as her mom does... because she is with me half the time. The time is not just step mother kinda helping out, I have more then stepped up and gone above and beyond for a little girl that isn't my own.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

I take pride in the fact as well that when she does call me mom she doesn't get punished OR praised.... I really don't feel I need to tell her to NOT to call me mom because she has one....
I see it as a very high compliment from the child that she wants to call me mom.

Philleigh · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:
Its not JUST the baby. I feel like myself and SD are in a place where we deserve a term of endearment for each other. I have been in her life most of her life, we have her half the time she 50/50. Is that not understandable? And you can DROP the whole baby not being confused just because SD does... You and PP's have already made that clear. I understand now that it isn't something I should be worried about. I feel better.

Lurker here...

Which baby are you referring too? In your BOTB intro you said this is your first time ttc and you have never been "prego" (op's words, not mine).

Maybe you should wait until you get pregnant or have a baby before you worry about discussing what to call you in front of the yet to be conceived child.

I've seen a few of your posts over the past few days and either you are really bad at understanding that people will have different opinions on a public message board or this is MUD. I vote MUD.

::creepily goes back to lurking::

Philleigh · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:
**** Thank you to all who responded, I received some really good advice that I plan to use. This was obviously touchy and I'm not trying to offend anyone. My SD is NEVER forced to call me mom, but I do not think I need to correct her either. She is 8 and knows full well who her mom is and what it means to call me mom. JMO. Also the Name thing has been resolved in my mind in the direction of having SD refer to me as mom in regards to talking to the baby "mom will be right back LO, shes getting your bottle" but from me to her calling me whatever she wants. I know my SD and she will be more than happy and willing to go along with this, shes the sweetest. Thanks again everyone******

Which is fine of course. Im wondering if I run the risk of my child calling me by my name. We have SD half the time and I wonder if hearing me called by my name by SD fairly often if my baby would pick that up. Anyone been there? should I be worried?

Also, does your SD call you mom? SD has been playing around with it for quite a while. I Never react in a good or bad way I just let her do it if she wants too. Obviously her mom says she doesn't care as long as we aren't "forcing" her... Which we aren't.

Thanks for any input ladies

QFP

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Theres no drama... its just questions... I don't at all understand why everything is a big freaking debate. But I actually totally agree, obviously there is some disconnect here that I wasn't at all expecting...

singinchick31 · September 2013

Listen, I understand you feel very close to SD but having her call you by name is in no way demeaning to your role in her life. Let me tell you from personal experience this will not influence what your own child calls you. I lived with my dad and stepmom full time from the age of three, as did my younger sister. SM also has a son a bit younger than me who lived with us as well andd there was never any confusion between us. My sister and I called SM by her first name and still do, as our stepmother calls our dad by his first name. There have always been plenty of "MY mom" and "YOUR dad" specifications, so much so that others remark how in conversation I rarely ever use the terms 'mom' and 'dad' without the 'my' in front of it. That's just my way of differentiating. I may have spent a lot more time with SM than my own mother, but that still does not, and never will make her my mom. When I refer to 'my parents' I am including SM and we by no means have a bad relationship. From what I have seen in practice and on this board as well, it would seem this is the norm.

singinchick31 · September 2013

*stepbrother

Littlejen22 · September 2013

You seem frustrated because we do not agree with you and yes we are all beating a dead horse. I will take this at face value and say that all of the sudden you realize that you and SD are so close she should not call you by your name. Pick a few terms of endearment and ask her if she wants to continue to call you by your first name or one of the other ones you chose that do not include Mom, Mama, Mommy or similar like I said above. If you are so close she does not need to call you Mom to prove it. That is not snarky but an honest observation.

But you said we are not answering your question so lets try again. My SD never called me Mom and my children were never confused.

Ilumine · September 2013

To answer your initial post, my stepchildren do not call me Mom.

My SS will call me his parent when discussing talking about me to other people though. That is becuase I PARENT him not mother him. And there is a difference.

My child has never been confused by SS calling me by my first name and we have full custody since before she was born. If kids were confused so easily, then you would have called your parents by their first names becuase they called each other by the first names, unless THEY called each other Mommy and Daddy (and that is just icky).

As for the rest of your responses...get a grip.

ReeseFox · September 2013

My DD1 addresses my H by his first name, but refers to him as Daddy when talking to her little sister (i.e. "E, go to Daddy"); she regards him as a father.

AlwaysForgetful · September 2013

My kids called DH "daddy" before we were married. Spooked me at first, even strongly encouraged them to call him by his name. Then I gave up. The kids chose to call him that even with correction. DH loved it (yes, he corrected them) but mine were really young then. Also EX did not have much part in their life then, about as much as now. So no, I don't feel guilty. Flame away if you wish, I would leave it up to the child as to what they wish to do.

Now, When Ex does visit, my daughter (not ex's) calls him Uncle K. She is almost 2, but has been brought up to call him that. We have never had any sort of confusion with her calling Ex daddy because the boys call him daddy. Ok, we are talking max visits I think were 13 in a year at one point (her first year), but still, no issues. It is actually kinda of cute to watch the 5 year old explain to people how this daddy is not DD daddy but he is her uncle.

twister22 · September 2013

Shoot. I have a friend who works FT, and has a live-in nanny who is with her 3 boys more than she is. The nanny is the one who wakes the kids up Monday-Friday, and she's the one who puts them to bed M, W, & F. When the mom is on a business trip the nanny does everything. The nanny is at all the family holidays, and goes on all the family vacations. My friend's oldest is 10, and the nanny started when he was 4 months old.

And guess what? The boys call the nanny by her FIRST NAME. The horror. I mean, after all, she is playing a bigger role in raising the kids than their own mother is. The nanny is the one who makes breakfast, lunch, and dinner 7 days a week. The nanny is the one who helps with homework after school. The nanny does 70% of wake ups and 40% of putting to bed.

MissSusieQ · September 2013

DS has never had a problem call in me mom. He has known forever that SS has a different mom them him and they have the same dad. Kids are smart I don't think we give them enough credit. SS has really never called me mom, typically he calls me by name. He will refer to me as your mom when talking to DS.

GHBEA · September 2013

My CO and a lot of my friends CO said the children are not to call any one else mom or dad. I thought this was a given in ALL CO.

How ever they do refer DH and I as mommy and daddy when talking to the LO's, that is something they just do I never said anything to them about it.

MrsHetzel · September 2013

GHBEA said:
My CO and a lot of my friends CO said the children are not to call any one else mom or dad. I thought this was a given in ALL CO.

Seriously??? Because a stranger in a black robe behind a desk doesn't already have enough say in the lives of blended families??

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