SD calls me by my name

Kflanders24 · September 2013

**** Thank you to all who responded, I received some really good advice that I plan to use. This was obviously touchy and I'm not trying to offend anyone. My SD is NEVER forced to call me mom, but I do not think I need to correct her either. She is 8 and knows full well who her mom is and what it means to call me mom. JMO. Also the Name thing has been resolved in my mind in the direction of having SD refer to me as mom in regards to talking to the baby "mom will be right back LO, shes getting your bottle" but from me to her calling me whatever she wants. I know my SD and she will be more than happy and willing to go along with this, shes the sweetest. Thanks again everyone******

Which is fine of course. Im wondering if I run the risk of my child calling me by my name. We have SD half the time and I wonder if hearing me called by my name by SD fairly often if my baby would pick that up. Anyone been there? should I be worried?

Also, does your SD call you mom? SD has been playing around with it for quite a while. I Never react in a good or bad way I just let her do it if she wants too. Obviously her mom says she doesn't care as long as we aren't "forcing" her... Which we aren't.

Thanks for any input ladies

cole2144 · September 2013

My SD calls me by name too because I am not her mom. My SD has mentioned calling me mom a few times since my kids have been born but I just told her that it might hurt her mom`s feelings. I always tell her I love her though.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

My SD calls me by name too because I am not her mom. My SD has mentioned calling me mom a few times since my kids have been born but I just told her that it might hurt her mom`s feelings. I always tell her I love her though.

I guess the way I see it is we are STEP MOM, so mom sorta is a nick-name. We told her when we got married i'll be her step mom and she can call me mom if she wants (only because she asked in the past if she could). That was that. She said okay kinda pondered it for a minute and went about our day. People have recommended finding something similar but thats "ours" but I dont really know how to go about that. . .

EarthandFire · September 2013

My sister and I called SD by name. My brother never picked it up. He was always mom. I'll always leave the door open for kids to do what feels right for them. I've been "adopted" by neighbors and such. I'm sure we'll have kids friends that look at us like second parents. I just let them do what they're comfortable with.

MrsHetzel · September 2013

This is a good question, I'll be watching for others thoughts. Everyone, DH, all the grandparents, my sisters, etc., call me Mama around LO, like "mama's warming up your bottle" or "mama this and that" but SD will say "K is getting your bottle" and I'd like to say call me mama around LO, not like SD is calling me mom, she'll still call me by my first name obvi, but calling me mama when referencing me to the baby. But I know if BM hears me even suggesting SD calls me mom in any fashion she will fly so far past the deep end...

SimpleJane · September 2013

So much wrong with this post. Too bad my lunch break is over so I don't have the time to spell it all out.

cole2144 · September 2013

I don`t feel it is appropriate to call step-parents mom or dad if their parents are involved. I also look at it like if my husband and I ever broke up, it would break my heart for my kids to call someone else mom so I will not do that to another mother.

10-4LilBuddy · September 2013

My stepdaughter lives w us full time. She called me mom on her own when she was younger and her mom freaked out on her. I don't like her calling me my first name because I think our relationship is more special than using just my first name that anyone in the world calls me. We came up with a nickname and that's what she calls me.

She will introduce me as her mom or stepmom depending on the audience and I do the same. We have talked about it and adding the "step" is no big deal because it is a factual description.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

MrsHetzel said:

This is a good question, I'll be watching for others thoughts. Everyone, DH, all the grandparents, my sisters, etc., call me Mama around LO, like "mama's warming up your bottle" or "mama this and that" but SD will say "K is getting your bottle" and I'd like to say call me mama around LO, not like SD is calling me mom, she'll still call me by my first name obvi, but calling me mama when referencing me to the baby. But I know if BM hears me even suggesting SD calls me mom in any fashion she will fly so far past the deep end...

Great advice, thank you.

if she decided she doesn't want to call me mom, This will be a good way to go. (having SD refer to me as mom when shes dealing with baby) Shes a smart little girl and loves me so I'm sure she'll be happy to help in this way

CurlieWhirlie · September 2013

I don't think you need to worry about your own child calling you by your first name just because your SD does. Kids are smart. They know who their parents are. Your baby will know the difference between your relationship and SD's relationship with you. I wouldn't spend so much energy worrying about it.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Also to add a little disclaimer:
BM says she is okay with SD calling me mom as long as SD in comfortable with it.
Am I convinced... Not entirely....
But I also believe that she would have SD call her boyfriend Dad if they tie the knot (its a hunch because they are boyfriend girlfriend right now and she has SD call him Step dad)

fellesferie · September 2013

I'm sorry, but I think it's pretty inappropriate to ask a stepchild to call a stepparent 'mom' or 'dad' just so the baby doesn't get confused. You're prioritizing an irrational (but normal) fear.

I am someone who's find with stepparents who are VERY involved being called 'mom' or 'dad.' I'm just not okay with the child being told to do it, especially only for the sake of the baby.

DH calls me 'dear,' and my parents call me 'Erin.' Both my kids were smart enough to figure out how to call me 'mom.'

Kflanders24 · September 2013

CurlieWhirlie said:

I don't think you need to worry about your own child calling you by your first name just because your SD does. Kids are smart. They know who their parents are. Your baby will know the difference between your relationship and SD's relationship with you. I wouldn't spend so much energy worrying about it.

Ya, I know. I'm just anxious and nervous about becoming a mother. But the PP recommended having SD refer to me as mom around the baby in regards to the baby. I know SD would have no problem with doing that. Shes a smart helpful little girl, she might even like it. If she says "mom is getting your bottle" there really isn't any misinterpretation there

Kflanders24 · September 2013

fellesferie said:

I'm sorry, but I think it's pretty inappropriate to ask a stepchild to call a stepparent 'mom' or 'dad' just so the baby doesn't get confused. You're prioritizing an irrational (but normal) fear.

I am someone who's find with stepparents who are VERY involved being called 'mom' or 'dad.' I'm just not okay with the child being told to do it, especially only for the sake of the baby.

DH calls me 'dear,' and my parents call me 'Erin.' Both my kids were smart enough to figure out how to call me 'mom.'

Fair enough, but no one tells her to call me mom. Like I said, we gave her the OPTION once and only because she is smart enough to make her own decision about it. The few times she has called me mom has been all on her own, at totally random times. Last time was so cute, she was jumping around being nuts and she looks me DEAD in the eye and says " you're silly mom! " And just stared at me all excited. She didn't get in trouble and she also didn't get praised. I simply replied "um no.. YOU'RE SILLY" Also I am extremely involved with SD, love her like my own and she adores me.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

THANKS FOR THE INPUT EVERYONE!! Agree or disagree I got some good advice and opinions on both sides and helped me calm my nerves about the baby thing.

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

You need to consider her mother's feelings. How would it make you feel if your child was calling someone else by the name that is reserved for you? Mom, mama, mommy? I'm willing to bet it would make you feel bad. If she has a mom I see no reason why she can't call you by your first name or any other nickname. Like others said your child will be smart enough to know you are their mom.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

I would dislike it at first then get over it... realizing this women is a mother to my child... honestly like it appears her mom has done... Plus like I said she wants SD to call boyfriend dad .... so ...

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

And for the record when my son first gets back from his dad's house he will accidentally call my SO dad or sometimes accidentally call me grandma. I don't know if this is the case with your SD but I know when my son does it is an accident because he had been used to saying that while at his other house.

Nineoceans · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:
Which is fine of course. Im wondering if I run the risk of my child calling me by my name. We have SD half the time and I wonder if hearing me called by my name by SD fairly often if my baby would pick that up. Anyone been there? should I be worried?

Also, does your SD call you mom? SD has been playing around with it for quite a while. I Never react in a good or bad way I just let her do it if she wants too. Obviously her mom hates it but pretends she doesn't care as long as we aren't "forcing" her... Which we aren't.

Thanks for any input ladies

When my SS talks about me to my DS he always calls me mommy like he will say "give mommy a hug" or "I bet you want mommy to pick you up" even though my SS calls me by my name when addressing me there won't be any confusion

Kflanders24 · September 2013

dmndsr4eva said:

And for the record when my son first gets back from his dad's house he will accidentally call my SO dad or sometimes accidentally call me grandma. I don't know if this is the case with your SD but I know when my son does it is an accident because he had been used to saying that while at his other house.

She does that too sometimes " mommy, i mean -my name-"
But the times she does it that I am referring too she - like i said - looked me dead in the eye, said it, with no regrets. Plus it seemed like she got all excited after saying it. Plus it was after we picked her up from a week with DH's mom out of state. So she hadn't been saying mommy for a lot for a week. She often draws me pictures calling me mom and mommy. Shes 8, so if she was doing it on accident she would realize it and correct it, like she does sometimes.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Which is fine of course. Im wondering if I run the risk of my child calling me by my name. We have SD half the time and I wonder if hearing me called by my name by SD fairly often if my baby would pick that up. Anyone been there? should I be worried?

Also, does your SD call you mom? SD has been playing around with it for quite a while. I Never react in a good or bad way I just let her do it if she wants too. Obviously her mom hates it but pretends she doesn't care as long as we aren't "forcing" her... Which we aren't.

Thanks for any input ladies
When my SS talks about me to my DS he always calls me mommy like he will say "give mommy a hug" or "I bet you want mommy to pick you up" even though my SS calls me by my name when addressing me there won't be any confusion

A PP said the same thing, I very much like the idea and plan on using it if SD decides she doesn't want to call me mom. Shes been playing around with calling me mom (on her own) for a couple months now. So we shall see.

cole2144 · September 2013

You said in an earlier message her mother did not seem really comfortable with it. I would not use mom or any variation of it.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

You said in an earlier message her mother did not seem really comfortable with it. I would not use mom or any variation of it.

You have already made your opinion of the matter clear, Thank for your input.

cole2144 · September 2013

I am not sure why you asked when you are clearly going to do what you want.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

She and I have talked about it and agreed that we are okay with whatever SD is comfortable with... We agreed not to talk about it with her. We have told her can call me mom if she wants too and she has told her she doesn't have to call me mom if she doesn't want too. So SD knows its up to her and no ones gonna make her do anything she isn't comfortable with.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Of course I am going to do what I want, as will SD, as will BM. Other posters gave constructive input... You are just telling me I'm wrong and to knock it off... did you think that was helpful?

Littlejen22 · September 2013

And if you get divorced I hope your child's step-Mom tells your child the same.

Is your husband going to call you Mom all the time also, and your parents and friends? Hey, we don't want to confuse your baby.

You seriously think Mom is just a nickname and not an earned name? WTF

fellesferie · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

fellesferie said:

I'm sorry, but I think it's pretty inappropriate to ask a stepchild to call a stepparent 'mom' or 'dad' just so the baby doesn't get confused. You're prioritizing an irrational (but normal) fear.

I am someone who's find with stepparents who are VERY involved being called 'mom' or 'dad.' I'm just not okay with the child being told to do it, especially only for the sake of the baby.

DH calls me 'dear,' and my parents call me 'Erin.' Both my kids were smart enough to figure out how to call me 'mom.'

Fair enough, but no one tells her to call me mom. Like I said, we gave her the OPTION once and only because she is smart enough to make her own decision about it. The few times she has called me mom has been all on her own, at totally random times. Last time was so cute, she was jumping around being nuts and she looks me DEAD in the eye and says " you're silly mom! " And just stared at me all excited. She didn't get in trouble and she also didn't get praised. I simply replied "um no.. YOU'RE SILLY" Also I am extremely involved with SD, love her like my own and she adores me.

You've indicated you will ask her to call you 'mom' when referencing the baby? I don't understand why it's okay to confuse the issue with your SD and not with your baby.

Especially when you've stated that her mom 'hates' it.

Look, this is really not a thing. I've been on this board several years, and there have been countless posts exactly like yours. There has never EVER been a single post about a mom who couldn't get her baby/toddler/child to call her 'mom' because a stepchild uses her first name.

cole2144 · September 2013

Look if you post on a public forum you are going to get a variety of responses. I told you the reasons behind why I would not do so, as a mother, I would not disrespect another mother that way especially when you said previously that BM did not seem entirely comfortable with it. But you keep trying to justify it whenever anyone disagrees with you.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

fellesferie said:

Kflanders24 said:

fellesferie said:

I'm sorry, but I think it's pretty inappropriate to ask a stepchild to call a stepparent 'mom' or 'dad' just so the baby doesn't get confused. You're prioritizing an irrational (but normal) fear.

I am someone who's find with stepparents who are VERY involved being called 'mom' or 'dad.' I'm just not okay with the child being told to do it, especially only for the sake of the baby.

DH calls me 'dear,' and my parents call me 'Erin.' Both my kids were smart enough to figure out how to call me 'mom.'

Fair enough, but no one tells her to call me mom. Like I said, we gave her the OPTION once and only because she is smart enough to make her own decision about it. The few times she has called me mom has been all on her own, at totally random times. Last time was so cute, she was jumping around being nuts and she looks me DEAD in the eye and says " you're silly mom! " And just stared at me all excited. She didn't get in trouble and she also didn't get praised. I simply replied "um no.. YOU'RE SILLY" Also I am extremely involved with SD, love her like my own and she adores me.

You've indicated you will ask her to call you 'mom' when referencing the baby? I don't understand why it's okay to confuse the issue with your SD and not with your baby.

Especially when you've stated that her mom 'hates' it.

Look, this is really not a thing. I've been on this board several years, and there have been countless posts exactly like yours. There has never EVER been a single post about a mom who couldn't get her baby/toddler/child to call her 'mom' because a stepchild uses her first name.

I understand that now, thanks to responses from posters.

I had no idea because I have no friends in my situation and I have never been in the situation.
So now there is not a problem and I understand how it can work out for the best (having SD refer to me as mommy in regards to the baby, when talking to the baby, Just like pp stated worked for them)
Once again, SD adores me. I mother this child half of her life, bend over backwards, break my back, love SD. Shes 8 years old she has at no point been confused on who her mom is and at now point will she get confused because she is calling me mom in regards to the baby.

Did I birth her? no. But I mother her with all of my being.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Look if you post on a public forum you are going to get a variety of responses. I told you the reasons behind why I would not do so, as a mother, I would not disrespect another mother that way especially when you said previously that BM did not seem entirely comfortable with it. But you keep trying to justify it whenever anyone disagrees with you.

what do you want me to say?

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Should I just have an open conversation about it with SD you think? If this is the way we decide to go? Or try a few things our and see if she catches on? what do you think ?

cole2144 · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Ask SD to pick a nickname, easy as that.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

Kflanders24 said:

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Ask SD to pick a nickname, easy as that.

There is not need to be snippy. If you don't want to be part of this convo... then don't. I am not making you be here. Thank you for your input, maybe you think it wasn't received but it was. But you cant be mad that I don't totally agree.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Ask SD to chose a name that is NOT Mom Mommy or Mama. And if you think those names are no big deal then why does your kid have to call you Mom? Why can't the baby also call you the other name? I do not think you are realizing that the name Mom and all varieties ARE a big deal and that your baby will learn your name anyway. Do you realize everyone in your life besides your kids will not call you Mom and the baby will still learn? You having a baby does not need to change what your SD calls you.

Kflanders24 · September 2013

Its not JUST the baby. I feel like myself and SD are in a place where we deserve a term of endearment for each other. I have been in her life most of her life, we have her half the time she 50/50. Is that not understandable? And you can DROP the whole baby not being confused just because SD does... You and PP's have already made that clear. I understand now that it isn't something I should be worried about. I feel better.

cole2144 · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

cole2144 said:

Kflanders24 said:

Littlejen22 said:

I just read all of your justifications. FFS if you only wanted people to say how it is absolutely great for your SD to call you Mom then why did you even post? Most people here think it is ridiculous because no marrying her father did not make you her mother or earn the title Mom. And I assume you will have a baby smart enough to figure it out like all other kids before. If you are so worried about confusing your child and think the name Mom is not a big deal then have you considered making up a different name for your child and SD to call you? They could both call you Sweetie or by your first name? Oh, that does not sound good does it because you want your kid to call you Mom?

That sounds just fine, just like i stated above. I have heard that before but wasn't sure how to go about picking a different term of endearment between me and SD.

Ask SD to pick a nickname, easy as that.

There is not need to be snippy. If you don't want to be part of this convo... then don't. I am not making you be here. Thank you for your input, maybe you think it wasn't received but it was. But you cant be mad that I don't totally agree.

I am a part of this conversation because you posted on the internet asking for input. Sorry if you don`t like my responses, this board is not sunshine and rainbows. I am not mad you don`t agree but why post if you just want to make justifications when people disagree with you?

Kflanders24 · September 2013

The question was not " can SD call me mom " and all your responses are in that nature. You answered a question that I didn't ask...

cole2144 · September 2013

Kflanders24 said:

The question was not " can SD call me mom " and all your responses are in that nature. You answered a question that I didn't ask...

We quote so people know who we are talking to. You asked if anyone has been here, I have, my SD is going on 6, I have been in her life since she was about 16 months old, I now have two children with my DH. You asked what SC calls us, I answered and explained why.

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