The boat has longed sailed for a relationship with my ex and myself. But he now has a new girlfriend. He has always said since our son, he does not want to get married or have any other children. Our son is three and every night, in the middle of the night, he climbs into bed with us we are working on this behavior. I recently found out from our son he was even dating this woman and that she is spending the night regularly. My ex and I have always had an open honest relationship, but he pet this from me. My issues are 1. She's in bed when our son crawls in bed with daddy and 2. My ex wasn't honest with me.
What do I do? He has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. How can we do what's best for our son?
Re: Baby father drama
Are you still married/dating him? No. Then he has no say in what happens between you and your next SO. If he makes a stink then tell him he can suck it. I do this to my ex on a regular basis.
So if she isn't bad, what is your concern? Not trying to be snarky, just trying to understand.
Do they possibly live together? How many times have you met her if you just found out about her? I don't think any of us will be able to tell you anything that will make you feel better about this. This is bound to happen eventually if it is this girl or one further down the road. Have a conversation with your ex and the GF at the same time, address your concerns and boundaries. Also, come up with something better than "I know you're not a bad person". Are you worried about him being attached to her?
I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].
SCANDAL!
I couldn't have said it better.
Why are you discussing your ex's living arrangements and dating life with a 3-year-old?? Just because he told you thing then, doesn't mean he didn't have a right to change his mind later if he met someone.
Stop talking to your son about what happens at his dad's with the new woman. VERY frowned upon by courts and any reasonable adult.
What would you have to say if he says that she's moving in with him and that's that? Then she has a right to be in her own home and your son needs to stay in his own room. So, in the meantime, I think it's better that he still has his father's comfort available. If you don't think he'd have someone bad around him, then what's the big deal? She might turn out to be his step-mom one day. You kind of have to accept that.
Sounds like this is the first woman he's had around since you, and maybe that's the real issue here.
You stated earlier that this has been going on for months, which means it isn't "new".
He's 3. She's just a casual person in his life. Not a parent. He won't even miss her.
Months meaning a total of 2
I agree! And its not even a jealousy thing.. its flat out creepy to me. Sleeping in the same bed is not something a child should be doing with someone they've only known a couple months. Even if daddy is there too... just weird in my opinion.
Deja vu. Didn't someone post a similar situation couple months ago?
I'd be upset and uncomfortable that my kid was sleeping in the same bed with an adult he barely knows.
Kids at the age of 3 can handle things like that, assuming it's not "on the regular".
Imagine a day care and suddenly a teacher is no longer there. She was there periodically for 2 months and then she's gone. The kid will be fine. Or some kid they see at the park several times for 2 months is no longer going to the park. No big deal. They probably won't even notice.
This sounds like it's his first girlfriend since they split, so there is no reason to believe he's parading a string of women in front of him.
I'm not saying it's great, but if the kid is scared or something, it's not a big deal. I'm sure they move him back once he's asleep or calm. If the kid has a toddler bed, it's not like dad can just go lay with him in his room.
Me too. In fact, I can say with experience children are affected at that young of an age. DHs XW is a serial dater. SD was exposed to every single one of them before XW had a chance to figure out if it was a viable relationship first. A couple of months dating is too soon for a kid to meet a SO IMO.
I wouldn't be ok with it necessarily, however it is to be expected that your ex is going to move on and these things will happen eventually. OP sounds like they've been over for a long time and the kid is only 3. As cool and "open" as it sounds, and as she said she trusts him not to bring bad people around. I'm giving the dad the benefit of the doubt and thinking he is somewhat serious about this girl. She really needs to have a talk with both the dad and the girl OR revisit her custody agreement. I'm guessing since she hasn't answered any questions about that agreement that there isn't one in place. As sucky as it is, it just doesn't sound like there is much that she can do.
Not everyone needs to be married, dude.
QFT. It's rare to find people that don't at least halfway live together before marriage.
While I wouldn't at all be comfortable with my son hanging out in bed with a woman he doesn't know well, I think this is a serious stretch. Married? Really? Dad's long time girlfriend and DS jumps in bed on a sat morning to read books and giggle, sure. Crawls in to bed at night after a bad dream, ok. Bed sharing with Dad's semi new girlfriend, not ok. But they certainly do not need to be married for me to deal with it after a serious relationship has been established.
I agree. 2 months is not ok. I agree that you have to be ok with him moving on and if that is the cause of you having the problem you would have to get over it, but I think 2 months is too soon even if he feels serious about her at the time. He is only with the child a few nights she can handle being at her own house those nights.
Also 3 year olds are smarter than people give them credit for. Daddy's girlfriend who is all of a sudden gone is much different then a teacher leaving after a few months.
He'd been dating his new GF for about three to four months, when she moved in with him he's having DD call her Momma "name". At that time, DD never slept in her own bed, so I was uncomfortable with the thought of her sleeping in bed with STBX new GF.
We've since been able to somewhat talk about things, and DD does sleep in her own bed at his house, at least part of the night. I have no problem with her crawling in bed on a weekend morning with them to snuggle...I'm not trying to be unreasonable.
I think the biggest issue really is introducing new partners to your LO so soon. In my case, I feel my ex is doing my DD an injustice moving new GF in so soon having DD call her momma, but I realize I can only do so much. I assume the OP feels the same, but also realizes there's not too much she can do. Good luck to you OP! I know it's tough, but it will get easier :
Um, my kid isnt 3 yet, and he notices when his regular friends arent at church or the park even for one day. It takes him a while to let go. FFS he is still upset that no more Backyardigans on Netflix, if one of his dc friends left after only being there a month or two, he would be pretty effing upset even if only for a few days.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
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Except that psychologically you will do more damage to the child by marrying the person before the kid has had a lot of time to spend with that person; getting to know the new gf with both mom and dad there, then just gf and dad but no gf for over nights, then some gf overnights, then gf moves in (or dad moves in with gf), and then maybe marriage if they feel like it but only if they want to because a non-married but still committed relationship is not harmful for the kid. And spread this out over a year or three.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
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Right? What a maroon.
Isn't that special.
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