Feeling guilty
bumpuser9524622
member
I know everyone always says that a miscarriage isn't your fault, there's nothing you did to case it, blah, blah, blah. I'm really having a hard time believing this and feel like I must have done something to cause my baby to die...
Is it because of the vitamins and medications that I took? Is it because I bought my husband cheapie vitamins and they messed up his sperm? Is it from lifting DD? Is it because I went swimming? Is it from the paint because we were having some work done on our house? Is it because I constantly had terrifying thoughts that something was wrong with the pregnancy, so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is it because of all of the crappy food that I was eating because I felt so sick? Is it because I didn't eat vegetables because I had a serious aversion? Is it because I had a glass of wine a week after ovulation because I really didn't think that I would get pregnant this cycle? Is it because I've had many x-rays and CT scans in the past (not while pregnant, obviously)? Is it because I hadn't been doing my prenatal yoga? And I could go on, and on, and on.
I realize that it's neurotic and I don't need anyone to tell me it's not my fault because I won't believe it anyway. I think I just needed to vent. And maybe to see if I'm the only crazy person who thinks about this stuff.
1 miracle Earth baby and 5 Angel babies
~All welcome~
Re: Feeling guilty
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I lost my twins at 11 weeks, and am just devastated. My worry is moreso that I wasn't properly taking my thyroid medication, which cause people not ot carry pregnancies to full term. The worst part is that I purposely stopped taking it because i was pissed my husband scheduled a stupid guys trip, and then one month later we were pregnant. I didn't start taking my medication until one month into my pregnancy because i didnt want to start anything new into a pregnancy. I also had bad aversions to vegetables and ate processed meats once a week.
It's painful to see small children and babies and think that I did this to myself and my husband. It makes me a little sick inside and I get a huge lump in my throat like I am about to cry like I never have before. I only had my DnC a week ago, so I am not sure how long anyone feels awful, but hang in there. I am in the same boat, and I hope it gets easier for the both of us.
While I'm going to tell you it's not your fault, I will also admit that I have these thoughts frequently.
I have my own reasons for why I could have been the reason my baby didn't live, but I will never know the true reason, so I can't keep blaming myself. Please try not to drive yourself crazy about setting blame on someone or something.
BFP #1: 6/25/09 EDD 2/13/10 @ 6 weeks- Saw HB @ 9 weeks - DS born 2/11/10 (39w5d)
BFP #2: 2/20/13 EDD 11/4/13 - Saw HB 3/19/13 (7w2d) - MMC discovered 4/13/13 (10w5d) - Est. loss @ 9w3d - D&C 4/14/13
BFP #4: 9/10/14 (3w6d) EDD 5/21/15 - natural MC 9/23/14 @ 5w5d
BFP #5: 11/23/14 (3w3d) EDD 8/4/15 - Please be our Rainbow!
Of course my husband who is a dr tells me the stages of grief and this is part of it all. The logical side of me knows this but I think the emotional side has to process it in its own way.
Hugs I know what you are going through.