Telling mom early?

HigginsBDog · June 2013

Am I the only person who hasn't told their mother yet? I'm almost 9 weeks along and DH and I have told nobody that we're expecting. Given my age (35) our doctor recommended that we wait until 12 weeks to be safe. I'm starting to worry that my mother's reaction when I do tell her will be about 50% THRILLED and 50% "WTF why didn't you tell me earlier?!?"

Add to this the fact that my mother is going through some medical issues herself right now and is a bit depressed. I worry that if I tell her early and then something happens with this pregnancy she'll just be devastated. But if nothing goes wrong then this could be such a bright spot for her!

I'm obsessing about this in the way that only a hormonal pregnant lady can do and have convinced myself that I'm an awful daughter. Agh...

kschref · June 2013

I don't think you're an awful daughter. I told my Mom because she lives 10 minutes away, sees me 3 times a week, and was with me through my two m/c. She knew that even though I told her, there was still a chance it wouldn't make it so she was cautiously optimistic as opposed to being super excited for us, which was fine because I was too.

I think that if you feel like you should wait, you should wait. When you do tell her, you can explain to her why you waited and hopefully she will understand. 12 weeks is only 3 weeks away for you, so it's not terribly long in the scheme of things. I say go with your instincts. You know your mom better than the rest of us.

lilylow · June 2013

We told our parents right away. But at the same time we would tell them if anything went wrong.

peanutmuse · June 2013

My husband and I had a conversation about this. We weighed the options regarding if we had a loss -- would our mothers be more upset if we told them and then we had another miscarriage? Or would they be more upset if the way that they found out that I was pregnant was because I had a miscarriage? We decided that the latter would be far too upsetting, so we opted to tell them early. But that is because we would have told them if there was a miscarriage. If you wouldn't tell your mother, that would change things of course.

Bottom line, it's a personal decision, and there's no one size fits all. You have to do what is best for you and for your family.

sarahlisa00 · June 2013

I agree, go with your instincts. There was no way keeping my mouth shut with the family... but I was torn about letting my grandmother know. She isn't doing well and I was in the same boat. Do I tell her and lift her spirits or wait until it's safe? I went with telling her because I knew she would understand if god forbid anything should happen and I thought it would help her through this tough time. Everyone I know pretty much knows now, well everyone close to me.. I haven't made a public announcement or anything but I'm not sure I'll ever do that anyway.

HigginsBDog · June 2013

Thanks so much, ladies! Totally agree there's no one-size fits all, but it's so helpful to hear your stories on the varied times you shared your news and your thoughts behind it. Appreciate your help tremendously on such a minor, personal thing - it's been said before, but this is really an awesome group of women!

heather52904 · June 2013

We haven't told anyone yet and our waiting until our next u/s in midJuly before we do. After we told early last time, our parents complained a lot that they couldn't spread the news until later. And after our loss, we didn't feel our parents were very supportive. I think there will be some disappointment about us having kept it a secret this time, but we felt this was right for us.

rowanthefrog · June 2013

We always tell our parents and a few close friends early on. We've had so many miscarriages and need their support (and at this point, assistance with childcare) if I'm out of commission.

Of course, you do what you are comfortable with, but as long as you are confident she could keep a secret, I don't see an issue with telling her.

A

LeannFran · June 2013

I think you're doing the right thing by waiting. Honestly, you should do whatever makes you feel the best. I would probably hold off until the end of the first trimester for the same reason you are, to avoid devastation for your mother, especially if her depression could worsen. I hope you have peace about the decision you and DH make. Good luck!

CaliCarly77 · June 2013

I am 9 weeks today - we aren't telling moms or anyone until after the NT scan and MaT21 results (around 12 weeks) except for my sister and work who we will tell a few days before. I keep thinking people will wonder why we didn't say something sooner, but as pp said, I don't trust them to not tell, and because we have no idea whether both babies will survive the first tri, we don't want to have to tell everyone bad news.

KatelynEA90 · June 2013

I still haven't told my mom. We've been on vacation together since last week.

goldenB · June 2013

peanut+muse:
My husband and I had a conversation about this. We weighed the options regarding if we had a loss -- would our mothers be more upset if we told them and then we had another miscarriage? Or would they be more upset if the way that they found out that I was pregnant was because I had a miscarriage? We decided that the latter would be far too upsetting, so we opted to tell them early. But that is because we would have told them if there was a miscarriage. If you wouldn't tell your mother, that would change things of course.
Bottom line, it's a personal decision, and there's no one size fits all. You have to do what is best for you and for your family.

this

sugarland726 · June 2013

You have to do what feels right to you. If she has a problem with that then that is on her. Not on you.

suupercute · June 2013

We haven't told anyone. Husband and I decided that both our moms cannot keep quiet until we are ready for others to find out. With my mom she will definitely tell my aunt (her sister) who will tell my cousins etc. etc. basically the entire extended family will know within 24 hours. With my mother-in-law, well...she sent a mass email to her church friends for my sister-in-law's pregnancy asking them to pray for her. I know she means well but...

MiaMyPuggle · June 2013

I told my mom and asked her not to say a word until we are 12 weeks. I had random people congratulating me at the store and at a wedding. I wanted NO ONE ELSE to know. If I am ever pg again, I'm hidin for the first 12 weeks and not telling a soul.
Don't tell her. I wish I didn't!!!!!

housewifebecomesher · June 2013

We told our parents at 9 weeks because that was our first u/s. They were still ecstatic. Wait until you're ready.

CaliCarly77 · June 2013

suupercute:
We haven't told anyone. Husband and I decided that both our moms cannot keep quiet until we are ready for others to find out. With my mom she will definitely tell my aunt (her sister) who will tell my cousins etc. etc. basically the entire extended family will know within 24 hours. With my mother-in-law, well...she sent a mass email to her church friends for my sister-in-law's pregnancy asking them to pray for her. I know she means well but...

Suupercute - I could have written this.

MiaMy - that is exactly what I expect from my mom!

Katelyn - I am SO impressed you are on vacation with mom and she doesn't know yet! You deserve some sort of medal. My mom would know within seconds, since she would immediately open a bottle of wine.

These responses are all making me feel better about my decision - thanks OP for bringing this up!

tesskerr · June 2013

I am 12 weeks and we are still not ready to tell! I think we are
Going to wait till 14 or 16 weeks.
Or 20.
Or when the baby is born.

gingerbabe · June 2013

I think you are doing the right thing. It is probably best for her. I just told my mom a couple days ago, but we haven't told my dad, MIL or FIL. We are waiting to tell them till I'm further along. I just know my mom can handle any news and will respect my privacy if m/c did happen, because she knows I am a private person.

Unknown · June 2013

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