I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. However, etiquette dictates that a hostess should at least CONSULT with the guest of honor on the guest list. I didn't even get that courtesy. ACTUALLY. It's a gift. It's nice if the guest of honor is consulted, but it's not a mandatory requirement.
I did try to talk to her face to face on two separate occasions about the size/theme of the shower. I got shut down both times. If you're not comfortable with the way a gift is being given, decline it.
I did ask politely to bring a friend or two as a buffer since my mom and sister live out of state and cannot attend. I even offered to pay whatever the food cost would be for them. I was denied. Again. You should NOT be dictating how someone gives a gift.
As you can see, I've exhausted pretty much every option. The only thing I have left is to perhaps call and say that, since my mom is unable to attend, she is requesting that I be allowed to bring a friend on her invitation instead in order to provide myself with the aforementioned "safe" zone. It should NOT be the big deal that it is since MIL's friends are allowed to be there (and I will play that card if I absolutely have to)...and this is her FIFTH grandchild. It actually IS rude as heck to invite someone somewhere if you are NOT the hostess. You are the guest of honor, NOT the hostess, so yes. It would be incredibly rude for you to do this. Play any card you want, but that doesn't change the fact that your actions would be completely rude.
I have tried for nearly 4 years to try to get to know these women, and they apparently want nothing to do with being nice, and the sad thing is that my husband knows it too....and is beside himself because he feels divided loyalties. Sounds like they ARE trying to be nice. Your SIL is throwing you a shower. As in, she's inviting people to come to a party to buy YOU gifts. Apparently her gift isn't good enough for you. Sounds like that's on you, not her.
So I'll say it again. Get over yourself. You sound like a whiney brat.
Not so. Also, we have no clue if this was the only shower.
now i know how Nancy Kerrigan felt. that's insight into SCARY ISLAND. you have no clue what really went down.
I stand by my earlier reply that this is a legit problem, in-laws are not being "nice," and OP should have a friend "drive" her. Normally, yes, bringing an uninvited guest is rude. But in the face of these circumstances, the etiquette-sanctioned option of declining the shower is not practically available. Desperate measures are called for, and by that I mean springing an uninvited guest on the hostess is her best option. Make it up to them by being as effusively charming as you can, in person and in your note afterwards, accompanied perhaps by a thoughtful hostess gift.
I stand by my earlier reply that this is a legit problem, in-laws are not being "nice," and OP should have a friend "drive" her. Normally, yes, bringing an uninvited guest is rude. But in the face of these circumstances, the etiquette-sanctioned option of declining the shower is not practically available. Desperate measures are called for, and by that I mean springing an uninvited guest on the hostess is her best option. Make it up to them by being as effusively charming as you can, in person and in your note afterwards, accompanied perhaps by a thoughtful hostess gift.
The problem with this option is that she has already asked her SIL if she could invite some of her own friends, and SIL said no. If she were to do this anyway, it's not just rude, it is disrespectful. Based on the updates given by the OP, it sounds like the SIL is already a bit exasperated by the requests (whether rightly or wrongly made), so for the OP to intentionally go against her wishes would only further the strain on the relationship, if the SIL is as rigid as the OP paints her to be.
A shower is by no means an entitlement or requirement; it is a gift, the specifics completely up to the host/hostess. To say that she absolutely must have it and that the SIL is being rude by not allowing her to set the parameters is erroneous.
It is a gift, you can accept or decline, but you cannot put your own parameters on the gift being given. Take a Xanax, go, and smile. Surely someone in your family that will be there can ease your anxiety.
Bring people you feel comfortable with and will make you feel comfortable. No need to RSVP them. It is ridiculously selfish and rude of her not to take into consideration your anxiety. FWIW I have anxiety as well and that would all completely freak me out.
My MIL tried to pull the same crap (except it was my family, not friends) until I told her that if my family couldn't be included, I wasn't interested in her throwing me a shower. Maybe I'm immature, maybe I'm ungrateful, but that's how I felt. Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, they aren't wrong.
Misspeedymarie said it best! I have never had social anxiety but I can imagine it must be extremely difficult to have to deal with, yet people are just saying to suck it up! Really????? OP, you wouldn't want to be rude to MIL or SIL by bringing uninvited guests, or canceling...or as someone said...it's more than rude.......it's disrespectful! Apparently, only the host is allowed to be rude and disrespectful to you...I mean, after all, you're only the mother to be so your feelings can be disrespected, but whatever you do DO NOT disrespect them!!!! Doesn't make any sense to me!!!!!
It is a gift, you can accept or decline, but you cannot put your own parameters on the gift being given. Take a Xanax, go, and smile. Surely someone in your family that will be there can ease your anxiety.
You are a person of questionable character to so cavalierly say something like that. ("take a xanax") Medicating isn't like eating a sandwich or something.
The relatives are obviously engaging in a petty power play. I would probably go and act polite but think about other things. I wouldn't give them any reason to complain, but I'd be body-present, mind-absent. I'd probably go through the English monarchs in my head, or Oscar winners, or everything I've taught.
now i know how Nancy Kerrigan felt. that's insight into SCARY ISLAND. you have no clue what really went down.
Thanks so much to the few posters who actually read what I wrote and commented on the actual problem. Since the shower is Saturday, I knew I didn't really have the option of not going (although the hostess made a big deal about how I absolutely HAD to RSVP....if the party is FOR me, why did I have to RSVP? But I digress).
I said that I'm going, but when asked if my H could go, I said that he is a "maybe". That counts another person in the food counts, and that means that, should he get called to work, I'll need a ride to the shower, and a friend will have to bring me...and if I start feeling "sick" (anxious) I will make a polite, graceful exit after repeatedly thanking the guests for coming and his family for hosting.
SIL who is causing the problems will be dealt with later, privately, because this isn't the first time since we got married that she's made something in our lives all about her, and it's got to stop.
I'm curious why you haven't addressed your social anxiety with a therapist. I'm not trying to be harsh about it. S.O. suffered from panic attacks for several months after we met, typically when we were going to visit my family. He finally spoke with a therapist, and through therapy and medication, has not had a panic attack in over a year.
His mother, who has the same anxiety, has not addressed the problem, and has essentially been house-ridden for the past four years, because she is too anxious to drive anywhere.
I have seen three therapists for my anxiety, and they did give me coping mechanisms...many of them didn't work for me. Most of the time, I can control it, if I'm with someone I know/stay close to. I can go to different events and cope. My biggest problem comes when faced with large groups of strangers when I know I'm going to be a focal point. My H and I learned a long time ago that a single alcoholic beverage goes a long way in lowering my inhibitions to make the situations manageable for me should the anxiety start to grow. That obviously isn't an option in this case, which is why I had asked for a friend or two.
Having severe social anxiety myself I get it. Completely ignoring the fact that SIL is pullin bs power moves to completely negate anything MTB says, this situation us ridiculous. Telling a woman who has issues with crowds of people she doesnt know to "suck it up and play nice" is like telling a person to jump in a pit of poisonous creatures and telling them to "stay alive". Its crap and just because you dont understand it doesnt mean its ok to discount it.
For a "family only" function it seems there are a lot of people who are invited who arnt family. Common sense says they dont know the mtb and wont show up, however they are friends with the mil and sil which leads me to think that they will show. And in the process of "honoring the mother to be" will probably ignore said mother to bes wishes or even presence. If her in laws wont listen to her or respect her, what makes you think a group of women who dont know her will, esp being mil's friends. The whole thing is ridiculous. They arnt throwing her a shower. They are showing her how they are "the better person" and being hats in the process.
Whew. Good luck OP, find a good friend to drive and go with you. Even if its rude to the host. Seems like they didnt ask anything or listen to you at all, so maybe she forgot about you asking to include friends. If not, who cares. If she yells at you or goes off on you, the mtb at your own shower, she just looks like the b, not you.
Having severe social anxiety myself I get it. Completely ignoring the fact that SIL is pullin bs power moves to completely negate anything MTB says, this situation us ridiculous. Telling a woman who has issues with crowds of people she doesnt know to "suck it up and play nice" is like telling a person to jump in a pit of poisonous creatures and telling them to "stay alive". Its crap and just because you dont understand it doesnt mean its ok to discount it.
For a "family only" function it seems there are a lot of people who are invited who arnt family. Common sense says they dont know the mtb and wont show up, however they are friends with the mil and sil which leads me to think that they will show. And in the process of "honoring the mother to be" will probably ignore said mother to bes wishes or even presence. If her in laws wont listen to her or respect her, what makes you think a group of women who dont know her will, esp being mil's friends. The whole thing is ridiculous. They arnt throwing her a shower. They are showing her how they are "the better person" and being hats in the process.
Whew. Good luck OP, find a good friend to drive and go with you. Even if its rude to the host. Seems like they didnt ask anything or listen to you at all, so maybe she forgot about you asking to include friends. If not, who cares. If she yells at you or goes off on you, the mtb at your own shower, she just looks like the b, not you.
Thanks so much for understanding! Last night, the SIL emailed my mom (don't know HOW she got my mom's email), but at any rate, she was asking for pictures of me. Not sure why. Then, when my mom voices concerns about my anxiety and how I may feel embarrassed/stressed/anxious/etc., SIL goes on to say that the goal is that I'm "just another guest" and not the guest of honor. Ummmm...as the MTB, at a shower being thrown FOR ME....I'm not to be considered the guest of honor? This thing is just getting stranger by the second.
Having severe social anxiety myself I get it. Completely ignoring the fact that SIL is pullin bs power moves to completely negate anything MTB says, this situation us ridiculous. Telling a woman who has issues with crowds of people she doesnt know to "suck it up and play nice" is like telling a person to jump in a pit of poisonous creatures and telling them to "stay alive". Its crap and just because you dont understand it doesnt mean its ok to discount it.
For a "family only" function it seems there are a lot of people who are invited who arnt family. Common sense says they dont know the mtb and wont show up, however they are friends with the mil and sil which leads me to think that they will show. And in the process of "honoring the mother to be" will probably ignore said mother to bes wishes or even presence. If her in laws wont listen to her or respect her, what makes you think a group of women who dont know her will, esp being mil's friends. The whole thing is ridiculous. They arnt throwing her a shower. They are showing her how they are "the better person" and being hats in the process.
Whew. Good luck OP, find a good friend to drive and go with you. Even if its rude to the host. Seems like they didnt ask anything or listen to you at all, so maybe she forgot about you asking to include friends. If not, who cares. If she yells at you or goes off on you, the mtb at your own shower, she just looks like the b, not you.
Thanks so much for understanding! Last night, the SIL emailed my mom (don't know HOW she got my mom's email), but at any rate, she was asking for pictures of me. Not sure why. Then, when my mom voices concerns about my anxiety and how I may feel embarrassed/stressed/anxious/etc., SIL goes on to say that the goal is that I'm "just another guest" and not the guest of honor. Ummmm...as the MTB, at a shower being thrown FOR ME....I'm not to be considered the guest of honor? This thing is just getting stranger by the second.
Having severe social anxiety myself I get it. Completely ignoring the fact that SIL is pullin bs power moves to completely negate anything MTB says, this situation us ridiculous. Telling a woman who has issues with crowds of people she doesnt know to "suck it up and play nice" is like telling a person to jump in a pit of poisonous creatures and telling them to "stay alive". Its crap and just because you dont understand it doesnt mean its ok to discount it.
For a "family only" function it seems there are a lot of people who are invited who arnt family. Common sense says they dont know the mtb and wont show up, however they are friends with the mil and sil which leads me to think that they will show. And in the process of "honoring the mother to be" will probably ignore said mother to bes wishes or even presence. If her in laws wont listen to her or respect her, what makes you think a group of women who dont know her will, esp being mil's friends. The whole thing is ridiculous. They arnt throwing her a shower. They are showing her how they are "the better person" and being hats in the process.
Whew. Good luck OP, find a good friend to drive and go with you. Even if its rude to the host. Seems like they didnt ask anything or listen to you at all, so maybe she forgot about you asking to include friends. If not, who cares. If she yells at you or goes off on you, the mtb at your own shower, she just looks like the b, not you.
Thanks so much for understanding! Last night, the SIL emailed my mom (don't know HOW she got my mom's email), but at any rate, she was asking for pictures of me. Not sure why. Then, when my mom voices concerns about my anxiety and how I may feel embarrassed/stressed/anxious/etc., SIL goes on to say that the goal is that I'm "just another guest" and not the guest of honor. Ummmm...as the MTB, at a shower being thrown FOR ME....I'm not to be considered the guest of honor? This thing is just getting stranger by the second.
Wow! If you are "just a guest and not the guest of honor", don't show up! Use her words as your out! What a b*tch this family is. I am sorry you have to deal with this crap. If you do decide to go, bring someone along anyway. She obviously has no respect for you.
OMG....it was horrible. First, my H ended up not having to work, but we still asked two of our friend to go with us as moral support. We got there, and I told his middle sister (not the one who was being a witch) that I hadn't been feeling well, so I asked them to come with us in case I needed to leave so my H could stay (that wasn't a lie. I woke up with a horrible headache and was dizzy off and on throughout the shower). The one who was causing the problems barely spoke to me. We announced the gender, and then got immediately bombarded with questions about the name. When we listed our three "finalist" names, we got lectured because we aren't using the name that my H, his dad, and grandfather had. At the end of it, I thanked the SIL who had been the main hostess (the one causing all of the concerns). She GLARED at me and didn't say a word. Then, my H got summoned to his parents house to help his dad, and he came back and said that the problem SIL wanted the chocolate favors (we had 6 of them that were left on other tables), and a metal owl that I brought home that was a decoration back because she "hadn't had a chocolate" and the owl was HERS. What ever..
But, hey, at least you made it through and came out whole! Now you know to never let this woman throw you a party ever again!
Sorry it was awful, but at least now it is over and you can forget about her and her weirdness, and look forward to the birth of your LO.
Awful doesn't even begin to describe it. Tonight at Mother's Day dinner, she ignored my H and me. Then, his dad asked if I'd thanked her for the shower. Um...yeah....TWICE. Then she had my H. give me this card, which read "This card has no point, but I'm sending it anyway" and there were pictures from yesterday, NONE of which included either my H. or me! At this point, I'm seriously considering banning her from the hospital when I deliver......it's not worth it to continue to try with such a toxic person.
Oh, and I also found out that she invaded my privacy by getting into my facebook albums and downloading pictures of me to use in a banner.
Re: Facing the most horrible shower EVER :-(
Not so. Also, we have no clue if this was the only shower.
The problem with this option is that she has already asked her SIL if she could invite some of her own friends, and SIL said no. If she were to do this anyway, it's not just rude, it is disrespectful. Based on the updates given by the OP, it sounds like the SIL is already a bit exasperated by the requests (whether rightly or wrongly made), so for the OP to intentionally go against her wishes would only further the strain on the relationship, if the SIL is as rigid as the OP paints her to be.
A shower is by no means an entitlement or requirement; it is a gift, the specifics completely up to the host/hostess. To say that she absolutely must have it and that the SIL is being rude by not allowing her to set the parameters is erroneous.
Misspeedymarie said it best! I have never had social anxiety but I can imagine it must be extremely difficult to have to deal with, yet people are just saying to suck it up! Really?????
OP, you wouldn't want to be rude to MIL or SIL by bringing uninvited guests, or canceling...or as someone said...it's more than rude.......it's disrespectful!
Apparently, only the host is allowed to be rude and disrespectful to you...I mean, after all, you're only the mother to be so your feelings can be disrespected, but whatever you do DO NOT disrespect them!!!!
Doesn't make any sense to me!!!!!
You are a person of questionable character to so cavalierly say something like that. ("take a xanax") Medicating isn't like eating a sandwich or something.
The relatives are obviously engaging in a petty power play. I would probably go and act polite but think about other things. I wouldn't give them any reason to complain, but I'd be body-present, mind-absent. I'd probably go through the English monarchs in my head, or Oscar winners, or everything I've taught.
Thanks so much to the few posters who actually read what I wrote and commented on the actual problem. Since the shower is Saturday, I knew I didn't really have the option of not going (although the hostess made a big deal about how I absolutely HAD to RSVP....if the party is FOR me, why did I have to RSVP? But I digress).
I said that I'm going, but when asked if my H could go, I said that he is a "maybe". That counts another person in the food counts, and that means that, should he get called to work, I'll need a ride to the shower, and a friend will have to bring me...and if I start feeling "sick" (anxious) I will make a polite, graceful exit after repeatedly thanking the guests for coming and his family for hosting.
SIL who is causing the problems will be dealt with later, privately, because this isn't the first time since we got married that she's made something in our lives all about her, and it's got to stop.
I have seen three therapists for my anxiety, and they did give me coping mechanisms...many of them didn't work for me. Most of the time, I can control it, if I'm with someone I know/stay close to. I can go to different events and cope. My biggest problem comes when faced with large groups of strangers when I know I'm going to be a focal point. My H and I learned a long time ago that a single alcoholic beverage goes a long way in lowering my inhibitions to make the situations manageable for me should the anxiety start to grow. That obviously isn't an option in this case, which is why I had asked for a friend or two.
For a "family only" function it seems there are a lot of people who are invited who arnt family. Common sense says they dont know the mtb and wont show up, however they are friends with the mil and sil which leads me to think that they will show. And in the process of "honoring the mother to be" will probably ignore said mother to bes wishes or even presence. If her in laws wont listen to her or respect her, what makes you think a group of women who dont know her will, esp being mil's friends. The whole thing is ridiculous. They arnt throwing her a shower. They are showing her how they are "the better person" and being hats in the process.
Whew. Good luck OP, find a good friend to drive and go with you. Even if its rude to the host. Seems like they didnt ask anything or listen to you at all, so maybe she forgot about you asking to include friends. If not, who cares. If she yells at you or goes off on you, the mtb at your own shower, she just looks like the b, not you.
Thanks so much for understanding! Last night, the SIL emailed my mom (don't know HOW she got my mom's email), but at any rate, she was asking for pictures of me. Not sure why. Then, when my mom voices concerns about my anxiety and how I may feel embarrassed/stressed/anxious/etc., SIL goes on to say that the goal is that I'm "just another guest" and not the guest of honor. Ummmm...as the MTB, at a shower being thrown FOR ME....I'm not to be considered the guest of honor? This thing is just getting stranger by the second.
Thanks so much for understanding! Last night, the SIL emailed my mom (don't know HOW she got my mom's email), but at any rate, she was asking for pictures of me. Not sure why. Then, when my mom voices concerns about my anxiety and how I may feel embarrassed/stressed/anxious/etc., SIL goes on to say that the goal is that I'm "just another guest" and not the guest of honor. Ummmm...as the MTB, at a shower being thrown FOR ME....I'm not to be considered the guest of honor? This thing is just getting stranger by the second.
Wow! If you are "just a guest and not the guest of honor", don't show up! Use her words as your out! What a b*tch this family is. I am sorry you have to deal with this crap. If you do decide to go, bring someone along anyway. She obviously has no respect for you.
Awful doesn't even begin to describe it. Tonight at Mother's Day dinner, she ignored my H and me. Then, his dad asked if I'd thanked her for the shower. Um...yeah....TWICE. Then she had my H. give me this card, which read "This card has no point, but I'm sending it anyway" and there were pictures from yesterday, NONE of which included either my H. or me! At this point, I'm seriously considering banning her from the hospital when I deliver......it's not worth it to continue to try with such a toxic person.
Oh, and I also found out that she invaded my privacy by getting into my facebook albums and downloading pictures of me to use in a banner.