Facing the most horrible shower EVER :-(
When we announced my pregnancy, my sister-in-law insisted that she wanted to throw me a shower. Since we'd had a surprise wedding and no wedding showers, I agreed as a way to make amends. That was in December....in February, she finally asked me for dates that worked. I gave he what appeared to fit my calendar, and she replied that it didn't work for ANOTHER SIL (warning sign #1, I know).
At no point did she ask me about a guest list, and when I would ask about the size of the shower, or who was invited, she wouldn't give me direct answers (warning sign #2).
At Easter brunch, she blindsides me with the fact that she's reserved a party room at a local hotel, and that the shower would be a "lunchy thing" (if this woman knew anything about me, she'd know how much of a bad idea this is). When I voiced concerned to her about (A) the size of the shower she's planning and (B) the STILL mysterious guest list, I was told that all I had to do was show up and smile and she didn't see what the big deal is (despite me explaining that I'm an introvert with social anxiety and how much I'd like a few friends there to make me a bit more secure---a request that she DENIED, saying this was a family shower).
Today, I find out that the guest list includes my MIL's friends, and women who are married to the sons of those friends (none of whom I've actually met). Should I :
A) bring some of my friends along (after RSVP-ing them as MY guests)
not show up since it's obvious that the shower isn't about me at all?
C) show up and leave if my anxiety flares up?
D) ???
Really could use some help on this....
Re: Facing the most horrible shower EVER :-(
Maybe ask if you can bring one or two guests with you, like SO or your mom or sister if they weren't invited to help ease your anxiety.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Every etiquette page I've visited says that it is actually customary to consult with the mother-to-be about the guest list.
I can't hang with his family... His family has long thought that I'm not good enough (his mom even said that to him) and I was banned from family functions until we were engaged. I am not close to my in-laws AT ALL. They don't know much about me and when I do get the chance to tell them anything, it is met with disinterest. I only agreed to this shower in an effort to mend fences.
I think you're in a tough position here. I agree it sounds very self absorbed to go to all the effort to host a shower for someone, but refuse any accommodations to keep that person comfortable.
I would just have your husband attend with you, coed or not, and if your anxiety gets really bad, feign pregnancy symptoms and leave as soon as gifts and cake are done.
If his family already treats you poorly, not showing up or canceling will probably blow the drama to epic proportions. I would try to keep it as brief as possible, write very gracious thank yous, and then avoid these people as much as possible in e future.
This. I don't know much about social anxiety, so maybe you could ask to also have your H there is it is really that bad. But I don't think having a family only shower is weird, I have never put friends on the guest list for showers my family have thrown (except I think my MOH for my bridal shower.) His family is now your family you should begin the process of feeling comfortable around them. You are bringing a child into this family too and will be tied to them for life. And if you don't know these friends of your MIL now, I don't see why you can't take this opportunity to meet them now.
My husband can't be there (that was another problem...they couldn't even be bothered to remember that he works a side job on Saturdays, and since showers typically aren't co-ed, he didn't request any time off). I wouldn't be so incensed if I hadn't found out today that my MIL's friends (not relatives) were invited, as were their daughters-in-law.
If it helps your anxiety any, I have a feeling the focus of this shower is going to be your MIL. It is a shower for her family and her friends to welcome her into grandparenthood. Which is a little tacky, but at least you will reap the rewards of baby gifts you want or need.
If it makes you feel any better my MIL made one of DH's aunts host a baby shower for me, in absentia since we had no plans to travel back to his hometown. She felt like she deserved it since she had gone to and given gifts at so many showers for the family and now it was her turn to be the center of attention. DH tried to talk her out of it to no avail. So she had people come and she opened the gifts at the shower then re-wrapped them and sent them to us. So tacky!
Maybe if you indulge her a little with this shower that is more for her than you it could help with that fence mending you are after?
It is too bad you were not able to give any input to the guest list but since this is your DH's side of the family/friends then I suppose you wouldn't know who to invite anyway. Your mother should be invited though. Since your DH cannot make it...perhaps your SIL would allow your mom to go with you. Maybe tell your SIL you are driivng separate since you might need two vehicles to transport items home...or maybe even tell her you are now allowed to drive (LOL) and your mom will have to drive you. Other then that you could just leave if it gets to be too much. Tell the guests you are not feeling well and leave.
Hopefully, it isn't too bad. At most of the showers I've been to at places other then homes things aren't too jam-packed. Hopefully your anxiety doesn't kick in.
This. It does seem like your SIL is intentionally needling you. I would just let go of everything they do to upset you--the slights will likely keep on comin'. Accept that it sucks, but the shower is not going to fun, and prepare yourself to survive it. It sounds like your anxiety is serious enough that a support person is non-negotiable. I think PP idea of having someone very close to you drive you is an excellent one, and I wouldn't tell SIL ahead of time. You don't want to give her a chance to argue about it. Just show up with the person, say you ended up needing help to get there and thanks so much for graciously taking in [driver], you so appreciate it, followed by gushing about decorations and how kind she is to host yada yada. Then after a reasonable time, whoops, doctor told you to be sure to take it easy, you'd better go, everything was so lovely yada yada.
Good luck.
Sorry, I agree with this. Yes it sucks you do not get along with them that great, but they are throwing you a shower so they are trying here. It is only a few hours. Once the baby is born they will want to be a part of his/her life so you have to deal with it. They are a part of your family too.
I have family members that I do not like - would not associate with if we were not related but I deal with it because they are family. You cannot chose your family unfortunately.
I agree that your SIL is throwing the shower to celebrate your MIL. Your MIL probably feels like she's attended all these events for her friends and their children, and now she wants to have her turn.
Does this suck? Of course. But you can deal with it. Paste a smile on your face, stay calm, shake hands and greet these strangers, open gifts, then split. You can handle it for a few hours. Remember that it's really your MIL who is in the spotlight.
I also suspect that if you roll with this and accept it graciously, it will do a lot to help your MIL feel more positive about you. If you can't accept it graciously, you're going to seem very ungrateful in their eyes.
I have anxiety issues as well, so I understand this situation must actually be a bit terrifying.
My advice is to bring a friend or close family member as your "guest" to help you that day, and talk to them first about being your "buffer" at the shower. Buffers are important in these situations, and perhaps just having someone there who gets it will help to put you more at ease and make it through.
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My problem with this is if it's a FAMILY shower, as SIL insists, then the myriad of non-family members attending are as out of place as SIL seems to think OP's friends would be.
I would definitely bring someone along. Mom, friend, whatever. Then let MIL/SIL have their day.
If the invitations haven't gone out yet, decline the shower but that would be extremely rude.
I agree with PP that said you are being whiney. You accepted a gift, you don't get to dictate how it's given.
But the OP has talked to her SIL about her social anxiety and her need to have a few people at the shower she is comfortable with. That didn't work. Then her husband intervened and talked to his sister about how the OP would need someone there because of her issues with social anxiety and their request was still declined. So the OP isn't keeping anything inside, she is talking to the host.
I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. However, etiquette dictates that a hostess should at least CONSULT with the guest of honor on the guest list. I didn't even get that courtesy.
I did try to talk to her face to face on two separate occasions about the size/theme of the shower. I got shut down both times.
I did ask politely to bring a friend or two as a buffer since my mom and sister live out of state and cannot attend. I even offered to pay whatever the food cost would be for them. I was denied.
As you can see, I've exhausted pretty much every option. The only thing I have left is to perhaps call and say that, since my mom is unable to attend, she is requesting that I be allowed to bring a friend on her invitation instead in order to provide myself with the aforementioned "safe" zone. It should NOT be the big deal that it is since MIL's friends are allowed to be there (and I will play that card if I absolutely have to)...and this is her FIFTH grandchild.
I have tried for nearly 4 years to try to get to know these women, and they apparently want nothing to do with being nice, and the sad thing is that my husband knows it too....and is beside himself because he feels divided loyalties.
I do not know about the last 4 years - but now in the present time they are throwing you a shower. To me they are being nice by doing this and want something to do with you because the shower is for you.
Ok you can't bring a friend - get over it. Some times we have to step out of our comfort zone and be adults.
and THIS.
THIS. I agree, I wouldn't be super excited to go to a shower when I don't know half of the people there. "Hi...thanks for the onsie..and you are????".
Voice your concerns about who she's inviting. If it's people you've never met; that would be very awkward, and even if she did invite them; i'd doubt they'd come because they don't know you either.
1. give her a list of people you want invited, and give her the addresses.
2. tell her that these people are very important to you, and need to be invited.
3. If she gives you flak about it, ex: I don't have enough money for all these people!! Tell her to not invite MIL's friends daughters/DIL's OR offer to pay for your friends. At least if you intervene, and tell her you'll pay for them, I doubt she'll refuse.
4. Show up to the shower, even if you think it'll be "horrible". Be grateful to whats given to you.
EDIT:: Hopefully it's early enough that you can just cancel it?? If you cancel, chances are your MIL and SIL will have problems with you for the rest of your life.
Lurker butting in here. I get the social anxiety. I have a mild case myself. It sucks that she can't help you out and let you have one friend there. I think that if you had a physical handicap, she would understand. But, instead of getting more frustrated over it, try not to work yourself up too much right now.
What's the worst that will happen? Try to keep that in mind. No one will physically be harmed, your baby will be fine, and you might be uncomfortable for a while. If it gets too bad, you can always go outside or to the restroom for a few minutes to compose yourself. They will understand if you need a few minutes for "pregnancy issues". From the sounds of it, they might not even notice you're gone! Hope that helps.
You can do this!
Good lord, this post took a turn.
OP - if it's too late to decline the shower, my main advice (if this shower goes poorly and they aren't' any nicer to you afterwards) is to learn a lesson and stop expecting them to change. And don't accept future offers of them hosting any kind of event for you.
I know that doesn't help you w/ this shower, but you and DH need to start working w/ who they are, not who you want them to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sheesh this post took a turn! I think there are 2 sides here....OP, unfortunately you accepted this gift before you really understood what it entailed, but it's still at the host's discretion to set the invitation list, and it would be very rude to bring uninvited guests or not show up after the effort the host has put in.
That said, I think a lot of PPs are minimizing how debilitating true anxiety can be, and it seems incredibly witchy of SIL to brush this aside as a non issue and refuse any concession to make you comfortable.
I would call SIL ASAP and let her know that you have some medical restrictions to work under and will require someone escorting you to the shower, or you won't be able to attend. Be vague about what the restriction is, and you're not lying, anxiety is a medical disorder if you have a valid diagnosis.
Then, make a big deal about gushing over how much you love the shower, how generous they are, etc, etc and kill em with kindness.
This! You should absolutely attend. Smile, be nice and gracious to everyone. It is one day. You will survive.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Dear OP:
I have social anxiety issues as well, and I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. Your in law types sound like real peaches- I hope your husband fell far, far from the tree and that you don't have to deal with this kind of controlling behavior at home!
Anyway, as appealing as the thought may be to a person who dislikes confrontation, simply not attending is not an option. Not just because it's rude (as many others have pointed out) but because it will cause not just hours or days, but YEARS of grief...from everyone. You will be judged by how rude you were until you prove yourself to them, and since they already seem to dislike you it is unlikely you will get another opportunity to do that.
So...buckle down and attend the party. It's only a few hours, and they WILL give you useful gifts for your baby. If it's terrible, then it's terrible. You can come back here and tell us all about it and we'll laugh and cry along with you. You might be surprised and find that it's pretty great though, and take away good memories (and better connections with your in laws) than you'd ever expect.
I do have one pressing question: Why is it that the people who don't like you are throwing a shower and the people who do, aren't?
this
This. MandJS is wise.
OP, I am sympathetic to your anxiety issues, but this basically boils down to everything quoted above. Your SIL has offered a gift. If the gift is not to your liking, your choices are to accept and suck it up, or decline altogether. I cannot blame you for requesting certain accommodations due to your social anxiety issues, but those requests have been denied. Either accept the gift the way it is, or decline it altogether. Do not make further requests of your hostess. If the idea of attending this shower is so terrifying, then decline/cancel the shower, but be prepared for this to do further damage to the already damaged relationship with DH's family.
Dear Kaydee,
I feel that this is just a power play on your in-laws' part, and it is overly optimistic to assume that if you acquiesce you will be more in their favor. I would either bring one friend, or I would follow the example of the late Princess Grace and try to make the most of any social situation. She had a similar problem with her SIL and MIL, who never liked her.
I also caution you not to be disheartened by what a bunch of old-fashioned biddies might say when they're protected behind the anonymity of a screen name. This is especially the case when they can't spell or just spew out a random insult. Keep in mind that a few of them are probably just refugees from BabyCenter.
If nothing else, you guys could bond at the shower, maybe play some games. Maybe you could even welcome them to one of your interests. For example, if you like old movies or old movie stars, you could put on an old movie, say "Mogambo" or "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," and bond. At least you're not living with them. You just occupy the same cage, that's all, for a few hours.
Hope this message made you smile. It is very impressive that your post got 1,207 views. I think I had to call a political nemesis a profane word to get that many views.
After all of these comments (and I've read them all) I agree with some and whole-heartedly disagree with others this is a couple of things I would do. I do not have social anxiety issues but working in the medical field (and in psychiatry in the past) I've seen a lot of patients who did so I know it is a serious "medical" condition. That being said...if I were in your position: I would 1) bring a very close friend who understands your position and let SIL know the morning of that you are bringing her to "drive you" to the shower and 2) leave if you get too anxious.
I am really thinkig you will NOT be the center of attention since hardly any of the people know you. Keep in mind that these people are friends of your MIL so really it IS common for her to invite her friends. My mom invited some of HER friends that I barely knew and she was MY mother. Keep in mind that this shower will not be the first social group you'll have to deal with as your child grows. Unless you expect your DH to handle all school functions and birthday parties. If you see a therapist for your anxieity issues they should have given you some ideas for coping with it. Use those.